62681 Do All Americans Have Pet Eagles? Yes I Remember My First Eagle Ceremony When I Turned Nine the First Eagle You Get Is Always Declawed Which I Always Thought Was Pretty Inhumane but It Was a Good Way to Ease Into Caring for the Birds My Eagle Named Baldy Because I Wasnt a Terribly Clever Child Was Already Quite Old When I Received Him He Was a Rescue Eagle Luckily but I Did Have Him Until I Was 16 I Don't Know if I Was More Excited About Getting My Drivers License That Year or My New Eagle! You Should Have Seen the Party We Had When I Got Him Too! Grilled Hot Dogs and Fire Works and Lemonade Obviously I Named My Beautiful New Eagle Freedom He's Too Big to Keep Inside Anymore Unfortunatey but We've Got a Pretty Comfortable Roost for Him on Our Apartment's Balcony Ah Yes the Eagle Ceremony! My Justice and I Remember His Quite Well They Had Just Come Out With Telepathic Link Transplants When I Got Him Which Is How I Know He Remembers It Our Celebration Was Quite Modest Compared to Freedom's-Apple Pie Under a Cloudless Summer Sky as We Signed Our Declaration of Interdependence I Still Have the Inked and Talon-Plerced Document Hanging on My Wall What Is This Get Out Canada I Was So Scared During My Pet Eagle Ceremony I Almost Threw Up but Stonewall Jackson and I Have Been Best Friends Ever Since My Dad and Grandfather Built a Really Massive Roost Behind the House for My Eagle and My Sisters' Eagles Stonewall Always Waits for Me When I Get Home From Class Since Schools Are Getting So Over Protective and Strict These Days and Won't Allow Eagles Indoors Which Just Goes to Show How Much We're Bubble Wrapping Kids Today Back in the Day if You Couldn't Handle a Few Stitches Because You Pissed Off the Wrong Kid's Eagle You Had to Just Man Up and Learn Your Lesson! Ooo I Never Miss a Chance to Tell This Story! I Had a Rather Unusual First Eagle Ceremony the Traditional Giant American Flag That You Wave Around to Summon Your Eagle Had Been Severely Damaged the Week Prior a Ceremony That Had Not Gone According to Plan but the Child Only Suffered Minor Talon Wounds the Flag Took the Brunt of the Attack Anyway I Couldn't Use the Normal Flag So We Had to Search ALL OVER for One Suitable for Eagle Summoning Unfortunately the Stripes Weren't the Correct Shade of Patriotic Red So Everyone Was Worried an Eagle Wouldn't Show Up at All I Had to Stand in the Middle of That Wheat Field the Wind Creating Amber Waves Out of It Shaking That Flag in the Air for Over Three Hours Everyone Was Just About to Give Up When Suddenly Patriot Appeared Out of Nowhere! He Came to Me So Quickly It Was Like He Was Apologizing for Being Late and We've Been Together Ever Since Some People Think It's Excessive to Have Two Eagles but What Can I Say I'm a Two Eagles Kind of Guy Well I Can Say You Must Be a Terrorist to Call Me Out Over My Excesses but I Digress We Don't Have Many Open Fields Around Here So I Got Liberty by Waving My Flag Atop a Decommissioned WWll Aircraft Carrier I Was Kicking a Couple of Boxes of Tea Into the Harbor for Good Measure and There She Was I Loved Her So Much I Repeated the Process a Year Later and Got Young Colbert Here It's Hard Work Raising Two Eagles but I Have Two Shoulders After All Besides I Know That the Secret to Happy and Healthy Eagles Is Plenty of Bud Light Oh Man the Eagle Ceremony I Was a Weird Fucking Kid Okay So L Was Totally Sure That the Eagle Ceremony Wasn't Just Going to Net Me My Eagle and Deepen the Mystical Bond Between a Citizen and Their Country I Thought I Was Going to Get to Turn Into an Eagle Too So Me and My Mom and My Dad and My Little Brother Are All Standing in the Old Civil War Battleground Surrounded by the Ghosts of Our Fallen Soldiers and All and the Problem Here- It's Not Usually a Problem Because I Make Sure to Shave My Beard Off Twice a Day Three Times on Sundays- Was That I Am Actually Born on the Fourth of July So It Wasn't Just One Eagle That Showed Up It Was Pretty Much Every Big Old Patriotic Warbird in Missouri All Flapping Around Confused and Pissed Off Their Innate Senses of Direction Completely Fucked Up by the Way Firecracker Babies Warp America's Natural System of Ley Lines and I Was Six So Grabbed the Flag and Ran With It Over My Shoulders Rippling in the Wind Thinking It Was Going to Turn Into Wings for Me and I Would Go Be an Eagle With All the Other Eagles Instead I Just Got Mobbed by a Freaked-Out Mess of Nationalistic Avians Who All Weighed More Than I Did I Lost Half My Nose and My Whole Left Arm and Spent Most of Fourth Grade in Reconstructive Surgery Getting Machine Guns Welded on to the Shattered Remains of My Ulna Completely Missed My Little Brother's Eagle Ceremony Which I Wil Always Regret but It Was All Worth It to Have Met Columbia I Never Did Turn Into an Eagle on the Outside but I Like to Think Those Long Hours in the Hospital Feeding Her Rubbing Alcohol and My Own Blood Have Made Me an Eagle in My Heart You Should Probably Go to TheMetaPicturecom Srsfunny Do All Americans Really Have Pet Eagles?