🔥 | Latest

Regret, Peeing, and Buttons: Instant regret after peeing in the elevator buttons.
Regret, Peeing, and  Buttons: Instant regret after peeing in the elevator buttons.

Instant regret after peeing in the elevator buttons.

Dank, Memes, and Target: When you mash buttons in a fighting game and still win by MrPopzicle-Supercard MORE MEMES
Dank, Memes, and Target: When you mash buttons in a fighting game and still win by MrPopzicle-Supercard
MORE MEMES

When you mash buttons in a fighting game and still win by MrPopzicle-Supercard MORE MEMES

Game, Mash, and Fighting: When you mash buttons in a fighting game and still win
Game, Mash, and Fighting: When you mash buttons in a fighting game and still win

When you mash buttons in a fighting game and still win

Advice, Confused, and Disappointed: alexaloraetheris: Reasons I believe my friend is secretly some kind of deity 1) First time we spoke was a week after the beggining of freshman year she summed up my entire character and most of the events of my life Sherlock style. I asked her how the hell she knew all that. She just shrugged and said she figured out our entire class already 1 2) The one time we had religion class instead of ethics she listened to the teacher for a few minutes, laughed and told me "Humans have wished to be gods so much they've forgotten they have to ability to create them. Imagination has truly suffered from this monotheism stuff." I was confused and asked her if she was an atheist. She rolled her eyes and said Oh I believe in god alright. I just don't think the bastard deserves to be worshipped." 3) Out of nowhere she gave me this advice The only truth a liar ever told was that lies weren't going to save you. Don't become the liar who has to pass that wisdom on, because they speak from experience 4) To this day, she has one of those old-timey phones with buttons she only uses to ocassionally call someone. When I asked her why she never got a smartphone she got pouty: "I hate social media. On Facebook they talk a lot but never say anything. If I wanted to listen to people moan about their problems and ask for help they don't expect l'd listen to their prayers." (Notice the choice of words) 5) I noticed she was stiff and I offered her a massage since I'm really good at it but when i started kneading her back I swear to this day those were not muscles I felt. I asked her what she did to turn her muscles into rocks covered with a thin layer of skin and she kinda froze then shrugged and said she was just really, really stiff. My hands hurt after ten minutes when I can usually go for an hour. Next time I offered she seemed surprised and laughed. She still has rocks for muscles 6) We were having a debate over the way neural pathways are formed (I study biology and she forensics) and I jokingly asked if I could have her brain for study when she dies. She laughed Sure, if you find a way to kill me you can have it. I'm actually curious what you're gonna find." 7) One time she was tired and miserable and I tried to comfort her. We both have really dark sense of humor so I told her she could scare the dead out of their graves with that glare. She told me the dead can't come back and I rolled my eyes and said 'obviously' but she continued When you die you descend to the underworld with nothing to lose. To keep you, they give you something to lose. When you want to return, they will demand it back. That's why nobody ever leaves. The only way out is to never enter." 8) One day she just came up to me with a disappointed look on her face When I asked her what was wrong she was quiet for a few seconds and then just told me "Betrayals committed in good intentions are still damning. Just... keep that in mind." Then she left and didn't speak to me for three days. I still don't know what she meant but even three years later I haven't forgotten it. 9) We were casually sitting on a bench when, out of nowhere, she asked me Is it just me or have humans gotten dumber? Or have they always been this stupid and I just haven't been paying attention?" 10) She asked me if I ever wondered what it was like to die. I said no but told her I would tell her when I found out. I meant it as a ghost joke but she smiled at me and said Great. I'll wait for you to come back. Maybe you'll even remember me In conclusion, she is some kind of low-key god and she lost her faith in humanity even before we lost our faith in her but she's stuck with us because immortality is a bitclh P.S. I just remembered her name is a variation on 'Eve'. Maybe l should reconsider my atheist status?! What if God was one of us?
Advice, Confused, and Disappointed: alexaloraetheris:
 Reasons I believe my friend is secretly some kind of deity
 1) First time we spoke was a week after the beggining of freshman year she
 summed up my entire character and most of the events of my life Sherlock
 style. I asked her how the hell she knew all that. She just shrugged and said
 she figured out our entire class already
 1
 2) The one time we had religion class instead of ethics she listened to the
 teacher for a few minutes, laughed and told me
 "Humans have wished to be gods so much they've forgotten they have to
 ability to create them. Imagination has truly suffered from this monotheism
 stuff."
 I was confused and asked her if she was an atheist. She rolled her eyes and
 said
 Oh I believe in god alright. I just don't think the bastard deserves to be
 worshipped."
 3) Out of nowhere she gave me this advice
 The only truth a liar ever told was that lies weren't going to save you. Don't
 become the liar who has to pass that wisdom on, because they speak from
 experience
 4) To this day, she has one of those old-timey phones with buttons she only
 uses to ocassionally call someone. When I asked her why she never got a
 smartphone she got pouty:
 "I hate social media. On Facebook they talk a lot but never say anything. If I
 wanted to listen to people moan about their problems and ask for help they
 don't expect l'd listen to their prayers." (Notice the choice of words)
 5) I noticed she was stiff and I offered her a massage since I'm really good at
 it but when i started kneading her back I swear to this day those were not
 muscles I felt. I asked her what she did to turn her muscles into rocks
 covered with a thin layer of skin and she kinda froze then shrugged and said
 she was just really, really stiff. My hands hurt after ten minutes when I can
 usually go for an hour. Next time I offered she seemed surprised and
 laughed. She still has rocks for muscles
 6) We were having a debate over the way neural pathways are formed (I
 study biology and she forensics) and I jokingly asked if I could have her brain
 for study when she dies. She laughed
 Sure, if you find a way to kill me you can have it. I'm actually curious what
 you're gonna find."
 7) One time she was tired and miserable and I tried to comfort her. We both
 have really dark sense of humor so I told her she could scare the dead out of
 their graves with that glare. She told me the dead can't come back and I
 rolled my eyes and said 'obviously' but she continued
 When you die you descend to the underworld with nothing to lose. To keep
 you, they give you something to lose. When you want to return, they will
 demand it back. That's why nobody ever leaves. The only way out is to never
 enter."
 8) One day she just came up to me with a disappointed look on her face
 When I asked her what was wrong she was quiet for a few seconds and then
 just told me
 "Betrayals committed in good intentions are still damning. Just... keep that in
 mind." Then she left and didn't speak to me for three days. I still don't know
 what she meant but even three years later I haven't forgotten it.
 9) We were casually sitting on a bench when, out of nowhere, she asked me
 Is it just me or have humans gotten dumber? Or have they always been this
 stupid and I just haven't been paying attention?"
 10) She asked me if I ever wondered what it was like to die. I said no but told
 her I would tell her when I found out. I meant it as a ghost joke but she smiled
 at me and said
 Great. I'll wait for you to come back. Maybe you'll even remember me
 In conclusion, she is some kind of low-key god and she lost her faith in
 humanity even before we lost our faith in her but she's stuck with us because
 immortality is a bitclh
 P.S. I just remembered her name is a variation on 'Eve'. Maybe l should
 reconsider my atheist status?!
What if God was one of us?

What if God was one of us?

Cookies, Funny, and All: 8966 Had to eat all these cookies so I had someplace to put my loose buttons
Cookies, Funny, and All: 8966
Had to eat all these cookies so I had someplace to put my loose buttons

Had to eat all these cookies so I had someplace to put my loose buttons

Animals, Be Like, and Cats: more-zero-than-ace asked: How awesome do you think pet dragons would be? Like, not dragons the size of buildings, but maybe the size of large dogs or cats? braaains-archive answered: SO AWESOME hi-def-doritos -baby dragons -baby dragons that will try to bite lighters and cigarettes and any other form of flame including gas stovetops because a baby dragon biting flame is like a baby human chewing on a teething toy they just gotta do it -baby dragons that will also try to bite lightbulbs, including holiday lights and phone screens, because they haven't figured out yet that these are not Real Fire -baby dragons who love to just sit on the stovetop after the pots are removed and bask in the warmth -baby dragons who start up a little hoard of small household items that are metallic and/or shiny, like paperclips and keys because they've yet to be exposed to gold and jewels -baby dragons who beg at the din table -baby dragons who' ve figured out how to fly but not quite how to stop yet so they kinda just crash into something that's hopefully soft to stop themselves -adolescent dragons being introduced to jewelry for the first time and having to be told "no" unto they give up on stealing the items. For now stashes of silverware and change and rhinestones being found back in the cupboards -adolescent dragons who love music and can hum along -adolescent dragons getting used to their leashes and going on walks -adolescent dragons who learn to ride on your shoulder and at first you have to keep them tied to you so they don't fly off when you go outside but pretty soon they learn and they love you enough to stay with you -adolescent dragons going through crazy mood swings and being distant and aloof but eventuallv comina back for snuggles like always young dragons who start trying to preen your hair (it never goes very well but they try, okay? And you love them.) young dragons with tons of energy setting about doing everything possible to make their humans happy they can operate almost any lamp or lightswitch for you, and they'll try to open your cupboards when you're cooking and they'll press elevator buttons and unzip your backpack/purse briefcase and untie just about any small task they can do to make you happy your shoes and fetc h the paper and do -young dragons who think their scolding is what opens automatic doors for their owners young dragons who are incredibly, zealously eager to please ovon though they don't realy now what they'ro doing -middle-aged dragons who start to lose some of the energy but are now incredibly loyal and know you and your habits to a fault -mi s who start taking naps on the wi ra ledges and fall off a few times but they get the hang of it -middle-aged dragons who stay on your shoulder almost all the time now, wrapping their tail around your other shoulder for balance -middle-aged dragons that will affectionately rub their heads along your neck and cheek and jawline -old dragons who just lay around and nap happily all the time seriously they're like cats and sunbeams -old dragons who sit in your lap and eat off your plate at dinner because they've darn well earned the privilege and everybody else knows it -old dragons who are terrible influences and start showing the younger dragons how to hoard and steal shiny things -old dragons that curl up under your chin and lie on yourc and bask in your presence hest service dragons who help disabled people go about their ives -pet dragons who are basically therapy animals -pet dragons that are incredibly loving and demonstrative of that love -pet dragons who are loyal and who bond closely and work -pet dragons who are the sweetest things in the universe -pet dragons Pet Dragons
Animals, Be Like, and Cats: more-zero-than-ace asked:
 How awesome do you think pet dragons would be?
 Like, not dragons the size of buildings, but maybe
 the size of large dogs or cats?
 braaains-archive answered:
 SO AWESOME
 hi-def-doritos
 -baby dragons
 -baby dragons that will try to bite lighters and cigarettes and
 any other form of flame including gas stovetops because a
 baby dragon biting flame is like a baby human chewing on a
 teething toy they just gotta do it
 -baby dragons that will also try to bite lightbulbs, including
 holiday lights and phone screens, because they haven't
 figured out yet that these are not Real Fire
 -baby dragons who love to just sit on the stovetop after the
 pots are removed and bask in the warmth
 -baby dragons who start up a little hoard of small household
 items that are metallic and/or shiny, like paperclips and keys
 because they've yet to be exposed to gold and jewels
 -baby dragons who beg at the din
 table
 -baby dragons who' ve figured out how to fly but not quite how
 to stop yet so they kinda just crash into something that's
 hopefully soft to stop themselves
 -adolescent dragons being introduced to jewelry for the first
 time and having to be told "no" unto they give up on stealing
 the items. For now
 stashes of silverware and change and rhinestones being
 found back in the cupboards
 -adolescent dragons who love music and can hum along
 -adolescent dragons getting used to their leashes and going
 on walks
 -adolescent dragons who learn to ride on your shoulder and
 at first you have to keep them tied to you so they don't fly off
 when you go outside but pretty soon they learn and they love
 you enough to stay with you
 -adolescent dragons going through crazy mood swings and
 being distant and aloof but eventuallv comina back for
 snuggles like always
 young dragons who start trying to preen your hair (it never
 goes very well but they try, okay? And you love them.)
 young dragons with tons of energy setting about doing
 everything possible to make their humans happy
 they can operate almost any lamp or lightswitch for you, and
 they'll try to open your cupboards when you're cooking and
 they'll press elevator buttons and unzip your backpack/purse
 briefcase and untie
 just about any small task they can do to make you happy
 your shoes and fetc
 h the paper and do
 -young dragons who think their scolding is what opens
 automatic doors for their owners
 young dragons who are incredibly, zealously eager to please
 ovon though they don't realy now what they'ro doing
 -middle-aged dragons who start to lose some of the energy
 but are now incredibly loyal and know you and your habits to
 a fault
 -mi
 s who start taking naps on the wi
 ra
 ledges and fall off a few times but they get the hang of it
 -middle-aged dragons who stay on your shoulder almost all
 the time now, wrapping their tail around your other shoulder
 for balance
 -middle-aged dragons that will affectionately rub their heads
 along your neck and cheek and jawline
 -old dragons who just lay around and nap happily all the time
 seriously they're like cats and sunbeams
 -old dragons who sit in your lap and eat off your plate at
 dinner because they've darn well earned the privilege and
 everybody else knows it
 -old dragons who are terrible influences and start showing the
 younger dragons how to hoard and steal shiny things
 -old dragons that curl up under your chin and lie on yourc
 and bask in your presence
 hest
 service dragons who help disabled people go about their
 ives
 -pet dragons who are basically therapy animals
 -pet dragons that are incredibly loving and demonstrative of
 that love
 -pet dragons who are loyal and who bond closely and work
 -pet dragons who are the sweetest things in the universe
 -pet dragons
Pet Dragons

Pet Dragons

Bad, Click, and Friends: Anonymous said why can't muslims tell other muslims to stop killing people? thebootydiaries: thebootydiaries: It’s a breezy summer day and the rustling from the leaves outside sound like whispers from my small apartment. I’m sitting in front of my laptop, silently studying the 1.6 billion faces speaking simultaneously in front of me. It’s Monday, the day of the weekly conference call between all Muslims. We have been required to attend this Skype meeting from the the tender age of fetus, but I had never spoken in one of them before.  That changes today.  “Hey guys, what if…” I start to say.  Nobody hears me, but I refuse to be silent. How could I show my face again on Tumblr if I couldn’t even save my mayonnaise friends from death? How could I expect to earn their respect? Anon was right; why hadn’t I done this before? Thousands of lives had paid the price for my ignorance, but not anymore. “What if you guys….. stopped killing people.“  Suddenly, silence.  1,643,398,023 pairs of eyes are on me. My heart is in my throat as the ISIS leader gives me a blank expression.  A single tear rolls down my cheek. Please.” I say with a broken voice.  He is moved.  “Aight”. My fingers are almost shaking as I carefully type in the ten digit phone number I have had memorized my entire life. The buttons on my home phone seem to glow a bit more dull, and even the ringing of the phone from the other end seems to be agonized, almost as if the world is telling me to hang up. But I refuse to give up; I can’t let my lily-white friends down. Not again.The phone rings once. Twice. Three times. Still no answer. Just as I am about to hang up, there is a click.All I can hear is heavy breathing.“Hello….” I say quietly, my voice shaking. “Is….. Is this Muslim?”There was a long silence before I heard a voice answer “ya lol.”“I was thinking………..” I begin cautiously. “Maybe murder is…………bad.”“Habibi, I…..I don’t understand. What are you trying to say….?” The voice seems shaken.“What if…….world peace is good and killing people is…………not good”He lets out an audible gasp. “Are you saying ISIS is…….bad?”“Maybe death is…….not good.” I continue. My heart is racing. I remind myself that I am saving thousands of lives, and inhale.The silence from the other end of the line is almost deafening. He seemed to be thinking, as if he had never considered this idea before in his life. Truly I had opened his heart and his mind. This…. This could end terrorism.“Muslim….Please.” I whisper.I hear a tear roll down his cheek, with my Muslim Communication Hearing™, and hold my breath as he finally breathes out his next words.“Kk.”
Bad, Click, and Friends: Anonymous said
 why can't muslims tell other muslims to
 stop killing people?
thebootydiaries:

thebootydiaries:
It’s a breezy summer day and the rustling from the leaves outside sound like whispers from my small apartment. I’m sitting in front of my laptop, silently studying the 1.6 billion faces speaking simultaneously in front of me. It’s Monday, the day of the weekly conference call between all Muslims. We have been required to attend this Skype meeting from the the tender age of fetus, but I had never spoken in one of them before. 
That changes today. 
“Hey guys, what if…” I start to say. 
Nobody hears me, but I refuse to be silent. How could I show my face again on Tumblr if I couldn’t even save my mayonnaise friends from death? How could I expect to earn their respect? Anon was right; why hadn’t I done this before? Thousands of lives had paid the price for my ignorance, but not anymore.
“What if you guys….. stopped killing people.“ 
Suddenly, silence. 
1,643,398,023 pairs of eyes are on me. My heart is in my throat as the ISIS leader gives me a blank expression. 
A single tear rolls down my cheek. Please.” I say with a broken voice. 
He is moved. 
“Aight”.

My fingers are almost shaking as I carefully type in the ten digit phone number I have had memorized my entire life. The buttons on my home phone seem to glow a bit more dull, and even the ringing of the phone from the other end seems to be agonized, almost as if the world is telling me to hang up. But I refuse to give up; I can’t let my lily-white friends down. Not again.The phone rings once. Twice. Three times. Still no answer. Just as I am about to hang up, there is a click.All I can hear is heavy breathing.“Hello….” I say quietly, my voice shaking. “Is….. Is this Muslim?”There was a long silence before I heard a voice answer “ya lol.”“I was thinking………..” I begin cautiously. “Maybe murder is…………bad.”“Habibi, I…..I don’t understand. What are you trying to say….?” The voice seems shaken.“What if…….world peace is good and killing people is…………not good”He lets out an audible gasp. “Are you saying ISIS is…….bad?”“Maybe death is…….not good.” I continue. My heart is racing. I remind myself that I am saving thousands of lives, and inhale.The silence from the other end of the line is almost deafening. He seemed to be thinking, as if he had never considered this idea before in his life. Truly I had opened his heart and his mind. This…. This could end terrorism.“Muslim….Please.” I whisper.I hear a tear roll down his cheek, with my Muslim Communication Hearing™, and hold my breath as he finally breathes out his next words.“Kk.”

thebootydiaries: thebootydiaries: It’s a breezy summer day and the rustling from the leaves outside sound like whispers from my small apart...