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dungeons: nOrma1-people-sxare-me A group of rough looking boys walked past me today and all I heard of their conversation was "he's got that anxiety disorder bro so I went with him so he'd be more comfortable and it made me realise the world isn't all that bad fitzefitcher #this is team skull its-just-a-phage The pet store I worked at had a pen with rabbits near the front door. On every side of the pen were huge signs saying You can pet me, but don't pick me up!" One day two absolutely huge guys came in and one immediately reaches into the pen to grab a rabbit. Before i could say anything his friend grabbed his arm and asked him "did you see the sign? He said "yeah! it says that you can pick them up but don't pet them! Then he went quiet for a moment and softly said "l didn't read it right did 1? And his friend just puts his arm on his shoulder and said "its ok, i know you've got that thing where words get mixed up. Let just pet these cute lil shits" And I still haven't gotten over that interaction. flowernstt I was walking my dog through Boston bc he likes the likes car rides. He's a little thing tbh we call him short and long So this huge scary man with a full beard approaches me like "hey can my buddy and I pet your dog? He gets nervous around dogs but your's is so small I think it's a good place to start" Ofc I was like "yes he's very friendly!" So this guy brings his equally big friend over and they sit on the floor while this man looks terrified of my tiny dog so big man number one asks "can I pick him up?" And i say yes so he picks him up and puts him on man number two's lap and man number two is abt to freak out and his friend straight up just goes "hey man, it's okay just relax lI'd never let anything hurt you. He's a good boy." I'll never forget it ever bc I know that man looked at me (5'3, glasses, probably wearing a sweater vest) and my dog (kinda goofy looking little thing) and was like 'ah yes the two least intimidating living things l've seen in Boston all day he'll feel relaxed around them and went out of his way to help his friend. It makes me so happy anotherdayforchaosfay My husband had this Dungeons and Dragons group ages ago, and one of the guys was TERRIFIED of cats. The moment he sees one he freezes up and can barely breathe. Said guy is almost seven feet tall and solid wall of muscle Whenever he came over l'd put the cats in the bedroom and chill out with a book because my cats don't like being shut away without one of us One of my cats was pawing at the door and meowing loudly, an indication she REALLY needs to use the litter box. I let her out and decide, hey, I'm hungry and decide to the kitchen. I forgot to shut the bedroom door. Next thing I hear is the group going completely silent. My husband very calmly asks me to come over and help him gather our two cats up. I go over to where the group is and my black cat, Cacoa, is rubbing up against the guy's leg purring, and doing her "let me on your lap meow. The other cat, Jasper, is sitting at the window, chilling out. I go over and pick up Cacoa and tell the big dude she's harmless, loves laps, and would be thrilled if he pet her. Very slowly he touches my cat's face, and she leans right into his hand. He then pets her back and sighs because she's really soft and purring like mad. After a few minutes he asks how to pick her up and if it's okay if she sits on his lap He spent the next six hours spoiling my cat. The next week he showed up with cat treats and toys because he fell in love with the cats. He told me he was doing some research on house cats, and even talked to a vet about them. A couple months later he adopted two cats and was as thrilled and excited as a new parent. ruffboijuliaburnsides Oh no a new one!!! jack-the-lion Blessed post. anaalihelmisimpukka I used to work at this stable for icelandic horses and every now and then this man would turn up by the field to just watch the horses. One time I walked by him as I was going to get the horses inside, and he went "I always wanted to learn how to ride but I'm afraid of horses because they're so huge. If I could ride ponies like this, maybe I'd dare but now I'm too big and heavy for them." You should have seen his face when I told them that actually they're not ponies, just small horses and they could totally carry him. His face just lit up. Next thing I'm helping him to get on back. Today he knows how to ride Source:nOrma1-people-sxare-me 935,955 notes A classic collection of feel good stories (with new additions)
dungeons: nOrma1-people-sxare-me
 A group of rough looking boys walked past me today and all I heard of their
 conversation was "he's got that anxiety disorder bro so I went with him so he'd
 be more comfortable and it made me realise the world isn't all that bad
 fitzefitcher
 #this is team skull
 its-just-a-phage
 The pet store I worked at had a pen with rabbits near the front door. On every
 side of the pen were huge signs saying You can pet me, but don't pick me up!"
 One day two absolutely huge guys came in and one immediately reaches into
 the pen to grab a rabbit. Before i could say anything his friend grabbed his arm
 and asked him "did you see the sign?
 He said "yeah! it says that you can pick them up but don't pet them!
 Then he went quiet for a moment and softly said "l didn't read it right did 1?
 And his friend just puts his arm on his shoulder and said "its ok, i know you've
 got that thing where words get mixed up. Let just pet these cute lil shits"
 And I still haven't gotten over that interaction.
 flowernstt
 I was walking my dog through Boston bc he likes the likes car rides. He's a little
 thing tbh we call him short and long
 So this huge scary man with a full beard approaches me like "hey can my buddy
 and I pet your dog? He gets nervous around dogs but your's is so small I think
 it's a good place to start"
 Ofc I was like "yes he's very friendly!" So this guy brings his equally big friend
 over and they sit on the floor while this man looks terrified of my tiny dog so big
 man number one asks "can I pick him up?" And i say yes so he picks him up and
 puts him on man number two's lap and man number two is abt to freak out and
 his friend straight up just goes "hey man, it's okay just relax lI'd never let anything
 hurt you. He's a good boy." I'll never forget it ever bc I know that man looked at
 me (5'3, glasses, probably wearing a sweater vest) and my dog (kinda goofy
 looking little thing) and was like 'ah yes the two least intimidating living things
 l've seen in Boston all day he'll feel relaxed around them and went out of his
 way to help his friend. It makes me so happy
 anotherdayforchaosfay
 My husband had this Dungeons and Dragons group ages ago, and one of the
 guys was TERRIFIED of cats. The moment he sees one he freezes up and can
 barely breathe. Said guy is almost seven feet tall and solid wall of muscle
 Whenever he came over l'd put the cats in the bedroom and chill out with a book
 because my cats don't like being shut away without one of us
 One of my cats was pawing at the door and meowing loudly, an indication she
 REALLY needs to use the litter box. I let her out and decide, hey, I'm hungry
 and decide to the kitchen. I forgot to shut the bedroom door.
 Next thing I hear is the group going completely silent. My husband very calmly
 asks me to come over and help him gather our two cats up. I go over to where
 the group is and my black cat, Cacoa, is rubbing up against the guy's leg
 purring, and doing her "let me on your lap meow. The other cat, Jasper, is
 sitting at the window, chilling out. I go over and pick up Cacoa and tell the big
 dude she's harmless, loves laps, and would be thrilled if he pet her. Very slowly
 he touches my cat's face, and she leans right into his hand. He then pets her
 back and sighs because she's really soft and purring like mad. After a few
 minutes he asks how to pick her up and if it's okay if she sits on his lap
 He spent the next six hours spoiling my cat. The next week he showed up with
 cat treats and toys because he fell in love with the cats. He told me he was
 doing some research on house cats, and even talked to a vet about them. A
 couple months later he adopted two cats and was as thrilled and excited as a
 new parent.
 ruffboijuliaburnsides
 Oh no a new one!!!
 jack-the-lion
 Blessed post.
 anaalihelmisimpukka
 I used to work at this stable for icelandic horses and every now and then this
 man would turn up by the field to just watch the horses. One time I walked by
 him as I was going to get the horses inside, and he went "I always wanted to
 learn how to ride but I'm afraid of horses because they're so huge. If I could ride
 ponies like this, maybe I'd dare but now I'm too big and heavy for them." You
 should have seen his face when I told them that actually they're not ponies, just
 small horses and they could totally carry him. His face just lit up. Next thing I'm
 helping him to get on back. Today he knows how to ride
 Source:nOrma1-people-sxare-me
 935,955 notes
A classic collection of feel good stories (with new additions)

A classic collection of feel good stories (with new additions)

dungeons: INKTOBER DUNGEONS & DRAGONS EDITION MIx & MATCH! MONSTERS HUMANOIDS WEEK 1: GLASSIC WEEK 1: GLASS 1. DRAGON 2. SKELETON OR ZOMBIE 3. MIMIC 4. OWLBEAR 5. OOzE 6. OGRE OR TROLL .MIND FLAYER ● FIGHTER OR BARBARIAN 2. ROGUE 3. BARD 4. RANGER OR DRUID 5. SPELLCASTER CLASS 6. MONK .CLERIC OR PALADIN WEEK 2: CUTE WEEK 2: PLAYER RACE 8. FAERIE DRAGON 8. DWARF 9. FLUMPH 10. HOMUNCULOUS I1.MODRONE 12. BULLYWUG 13. PIXIE OR SPRITE 14. PEGASUS OR UNICORN 9. ELF/ DROW/HALF-ELF T0. GNOME 11. TIEFLING 12. ORC/HALF-ORC 3. DRAGONBORN 14. HALFLING WEEK 3: YOUR CHOICE WEEK 3: EXPANSION RACE 15. ELEMENTAL T6. FIEND 17. CELESTIAL 18. GIANT 9. UNDEAD 20. MONSTROSITY 21. ABERRATION S.GENASI 6. AASIMAR 17. YUAN-TI 8.AARAKOCRA 19. GOLIATH 20. GITH 21. BUGBEAR WEEK 4: HORRIFIC WEEK 4: HUMANOID 22. BEHOLDER 23. GRICK 24. HOOK HORROR 25. NOTHIC 26. ROPER 21GIBBERING MOUTHER 28. STIRGE 22.GOBLIN OR HOBGOBLIN 23. KOBOLD 24. THRI-KREEN 25. KENKU 26. GNOLL 27. LIZARDFOLK OR MERFOLK 28. LYCANTHROPE FINAL BOSS FIGHT PESKY OL HUMANS 29. LICH 30. KRAKEN 31. TARRASQUE 29. CULTIST OR ACOLYTE 30. BAN DIT OR PIRATE 31. KNIGHT OR GUARD CRYINGMANLYTEARS.TUMBLR.COM cryingmanlytears: I try to do Inktober like every year and I fail every time. I may try again and I will most certainly fail around the 13 or 14th day, but I’m still going to try and I think that’s what’s important. I was trying to find some good prompts but nothing was sticking out so I started looking for a DD one but didn’t find anything I wanted. The thing is there’s just SO MUCH content so I made this prompt myself and kept it very flexible. You can stick to one column or go week to week, choose one side or the other, or whatever you wanna do. Oh, by the way, for Week 1 of Humanoids, by ‘spellcaster class’ I mean wizard, sorcerer or warlock but that wouldn’t fit.
dungeons: INKTOBER
 DUNGEONS & DRAGONS
 EDITION
 MIx & MATCH!

 MONSTERS
 HUMANOIDS
 WEEK 1: GLASSIC
 WEEK 1: GLASS
 1. DRAGON
 2. SKELETON OR ZOMBIE
 3. MIMIC
 4. OWLBEAR
 5. OOzE
 6. OGRE OR TROLL
 .MIND FLAYER
 ● FIGHTER OR BARBARIAN
 2. ROGUE
 3. BARD
 4. RANGER OR DRUID
 5. SPELLCASTER CLASS
 6. MONK
 .CLERIC OR PALADIN
 WEEK 2: CUTE
 WEEK 2: PLAYER RACE
 8. FAERIE DRAGON
 8. DWARF
 9. FLUMPH
 10. HOMUNCULOUS
 I1.MODRONE
 12. BULLYWUG
 13. PIXIE OR SPRITE
 14. PEGASUS OR UNICORN
 9. ELF/ DROW/HALF-ELF
 T0. GNOME
 11. TIEFLING
 12. ORC/HALF-ORC
 3. DRAGONBORN
 14. HALFLING
 WEEK 3: YOUR CHOICE
 WEEK 3: EXPANSION RACE
 15. ELEMENTAL
 T6. FIEND
 17. CELESTIAL
 18. GIANT
 9. UNDEAD
 20. MONSTROSITY
 21. ABERRATION
 S.GENASI
 6. AASIMAR
 17. YUAN-TI
 8.AARAKOCRA
 19. GOLIATH
 20. GITH
 21. BUGBEAR
 WEEK 4: HORRIFIC
 WEEK 4: HUMANOID
 22. BEHOLDER
 23. GRICK
 24. HOOK HORROR
 25. NOTHIC
 26. ROPER
 21GIBBERING MOUTHER
 28. STIRGE
 22.GOBLIN OR HOBGOBLIN
 23. KOBOLD
 24. THRI-KREEN
 25. KENKU
 26. GNOLL
 27. LIZARDFOLK OR MERFOLK
 28. LYCANTHROPE

 FINAL BOSS FIGHT
 PESKY OL HUMANS
 29. LICH
 30. KRAKEN
 31. TARRASQUE
 29. CULTIST OR ACOLYTE
 30. BAN DIT OR PIRATE
 31. KNIGHT OR GUARD
 CRYINGMANLYTEARS.TUMBLR.COM
cryingmanlytears:
I try to do Inktober like every year and I fail every time. I may try again and I will most certainly fail around the 13 or 14th day, but I’m still going to try and I think that’s what’s important. I was trying to find some good prompts but nothing was sticking out so I started looking for a DD one but didn’t find anything I wanted. The thing is there’s just SO MUCH content so I made this prompt myself and kept it very flexible. You can stick to one column or go week to week, choose one side or the other, or whatever you wanna do. Oh, by the way, for Week 1 of Humanoids, by ‘spellcaster class’ I mean wizard, sorcerer or warlock but that wouldn’t fit.

cryingmanlytears: I try to do Inktober like every year and I fail every time. I may try again and I will most certainly fail around the 1...

dungeons: deadcatwithaflamethrower: hebic: kyraneko: balencia: kitrazzle: pissedoffweasley: wizardingheadcanon: kyraneko: elidyce: thatgirlonstage: fuckyeahdeathlyhallows: sirlestrange: #that is a human as a rat as a cup That was a long 12 years for Wormtail. Can you imagine how differently their lives would’ve gone if Ron, in trying to transfigure Scabbers, had actually transfigured him back into a human?Just take a moment to imagine McGonagall’s reaction if Peter Pettigrew had abruptly appeared in her classroom from Ronald Weasley’s rat.Take a moment. Or if Ron had fucked it up a little worse and couldn’t get ‘Scabbers’ back and McGonagall had take him to disenchant him and next thing we know there’s a naked Peter Pettigrew sitting on McGonagall’s desk and the kids in that class learn six new swear words, a hex they will never dare to use, and a fear of Minerva McGonagall’s wrath that will be with them until the day they die. Ten and twenty years later first years are being pulled aside and warned never mess around in Transfiguration seriously the last time a kid mucked something up in that class Professor McGonagall used two semi-legal hexes, took down a Death Eater and sabotaged the rise of the Dark Lord before Potter had time to get his wand out. What most of Hogwarts learned first on that otherwise-unexceptionable day was that Professor McGonagall could sure scream loud. Professor Flitwick’s Charms 5th-year Charms class was close enough to catch the full effect, and the door had been left open besides; en masse the students recoiled with shock and a miscast Hiccuping Charm broke one of the windows (out which the entire flock of ravens they were practicing on escaped to the Forbidden Forest where they only had to worry about centaurs, rather than annoying young humans with wands). Up in the Divination Tower, Sibyl Trelawny preened over her foresight to have warned her students of an unprecedented catastrophe likely to occur before the hour was out. Out in Greenhouse Five, a NEWT-level Herbology class looked up in puzzlement, and most of them were subsequently bitten by the Venomous Tentaculae they were attempting to propagate. It does not do to ignore a Venomous Tentacula when you’re prodding at its intimate parts with a cotton ball held in tweezers, so the class was cancelled while two-thirds of the students headed for the infirmary and the rest of them headed into the castle because if they stayed with the Venomous Tentaculae they’d be outnumbered, and nobody wants that. And down in the dungeons, Professor Snape turned away from comparing Lee Jordan’s Pepper-Up Potion to spoiled cream at what sounded like a woman screaming from the entrance hall. At the second scream, he ordered the class to remain where they were and behave, sweeping out of the room just in time to miss Theodore Nott suddenly jumping up and yelping as if someone had put a crocodile heart down the back of his robes. Fred Weasley stepped back from the unfortunate Slytherin, shared a smirk with his twin, and stuck his head out the door to make sure Snape had rounded the corner before leading the way out of the classroom. - Back in the Transfiguration classroom, about four minutes ago, it had started innocently enough. Ron Weasley, possessed of a broken wand and a lurking suspicion that most of the family’s magical talent had been soaked up by his siblings before he was around to get any, had attempted to turn his pet rat, Scabbers, into a teacup. Scabbers had not become a teacup. Scabbers, blast his useless furry little backside, had become a furry, vaguely teacup-shaped monstrosity out of which absolutely no one would have been tempted to drink, and to make matters worse, he still had a tail. It was moving. Harry was hiding a smile behind his hand. Dean and Seamus weren’t even trying to hide, elbowing each other and laughing. Parvati and Lavender were looking with disgust and horror at either Scabbers or him, and Hermione was opening her mouth, no doubt ready to tell him exactly what he’d done wrong. Which only made it worse that he really thought he’d done everything right this time. He snatched Scabbers off the desk (eww, the base of the cup had the same texture as rat feet) and turned away from Hermione. He made the wand movement again, picturing in his mind the way McGonagall had demonstrated it. “Erreverto.” “Erreverto. Erreverto. Erreverto.” It didn’t work. It didn’t work when Professor McGonagall stopped by and gave Hermione two points for Gryffindor for getting the spell perfect in both directions. It didn’t work when Harry made his successful transfiguration (Ron looked; the pattern was a little bit furry but it was definitely a teacup). Ron’s lips formed the shape of a word that would’ve made his mother box his ears had she heard it and attempted the reverse transfiguration, which didn’t work either. Finally, faced not only with the indignity of failure but the threat of Scabbers being stuck like that, he’d gone up to Professor McGonagall’s desk. “Um, Professor?” Professor McGonagall looked up from the paper she was grading and looked from him to the squirming teacup. “Problems, Mr. Weasley?” “Um, yeah, Professor. I can’t get it to work in either direction and it’s not fair to Scabbers to make him stay as a teacup just because I can’t do a spell right and can you maybe … ?” “I suppose so, Mr. Weasley,” she said, and waved her wand in the exact manner Ron had been doing all along. Nothing happened. Professor McGonagall looked very, very puzzled. “Now that’s odd,” she said softly. As one, the other students rose from their seats and quietly moved closer. She did not attempt the transfiguration in the other direction. Instead, she made a complex motion with her wand and murmured an incantation that possibly only Hermione recognized. The teacup squeaked. Professor McGonagall looked more puzzled than ever, and made a sweeping wand movement that ended with a sharp jab and uttered, “Arcanum finite!” And there was a loud bang, and there was a pale, pudgy, and very naked man sprawled out on her desk, and she jumped back hard enough to knock her chair into the wall and screamed. - Having taught a particularly rigorous course of magical study to children and teens for quite some time now, Minerva McGonagall had become accustomed to certain things. Students who didn’t listen. Students who did rude things to the mice when they thought she wasn’t looking. Students who accidentally turned a frog or a raven into a flock of starlings or a school of strange slimy South American fish (and tried to solve the immediate problem by filling the classroom with two feet of water, neglecting to consider the gap under the door). Students who tried to transfigure their noses into a more appealing shape and wound up in the hospital wing regrowing their nostrils. Naked men on her desk was something Minerva McGonagall had never had an occasion to get used to. What made it worse was that she recognized this one, and he’d been dead for more than a decade. Inferius! was her first thought, followed shortly thereafter by Animagus, which collided with Peter Pettigrew! and produced the utterly horrifying thought of what if all four of them were Animagi? which didn’t bear thinking about at all, so her brain jumped to if he wasn’t killed by a Dark Wizard then why didn’t he say so? and realized there was only one possible explanation why, and about that time her eyes registered that parts of Peter Pettigrew she really doesn’t want to know about were flopping about in front of her face, and she was screaming as she jumped back. The flow of invective which followed somehow failed to surprise her one bit. Some part of her registered, peripherally, the shocked faces of her students, but most of her attention was directed at Peter Pettigrew, who at very least faked his own death and at worst framed Sirius Black and if Black didn’t betray the Potters then who … did. And the words poured out of her, filthy English and filthier Latin while Pettigrew squirmed on the table, his face rage and guilt and fear and something shifty and contemptible, and he turned to look at the stunned students and lunged for Ron Weasley’s wand. - Severus Snape had reached the Entrance Hall by the time the scream died away and the invective replaced it. He almost smirked, amid the alarm; of all the things he’d never expected to hear from Minerva McGonagall … he took the stairs two at a time, still not noticing the students who followed. He did notice the Herbology class, which had stopped on the way to the Infirmary and were staring transfixed in the direction of the Transfiguration classroom, but pushed his way through them, getting Venomous Tentacula pollen all over his robes in the process. From the other end of the corridor came Professor Flitwick’s Charms class, with Professor Flitwick bringing up the rear and pushing his way between students. - Ron looked stunned as the man who’d been his pet rat snatched the wand from his hand; Professor McGonagal’s expression shifted to one beyond fury and when the entire class recoiled, it wasn’t from the naked man with the wand. “Laedo!“ Minerva McGonagall roared. - Ron Weasley’s wand cast a Splintering Curse many years beyond its rightful owner’s abilities, and it did Peter Pettigrew the poor favor of eliminating the door, which might have slowed him down a bit. - Severus Snape flailed and skidded to a halt as the Transfiguration classroom’s door shattered. He stepped back just in time, and stared, jaw dropped in shock, as a naked man he recognized from his school days flew past him and bellyflopped against the wall, bounced, and collapsed to the ground just in time to avoid the “Exitium!” which followed and vaporized an impresive chunk of the castle’s stone wall. Fred and George and Lee Jordan, determined to stay at the front of the crowd, had been pushed almost against Professor Snape by their fellow Potions classmates and some pollen-coated Hufflepuffs. Fred squirmed aside hastily as Professor McGonagall appeared in the doorway, the look on her face so utterly livid that Professors Snape and Flitwick both reflexively stepped back. Snape tripped over George’s foot and fell against a knot of Hufflepuffs, releasing another cloud of pollen and knocking them backwards. Pettigrew saw his opportunity and took it, scrambling to his feet, stumbling sideways, and launching himself towards the gap. And Minerva McGonagall made a thrust with her wand and said, “Perdo.” In the very loud silence which followed, Filius Flitwick squeaked, “The Splinching Charm, Minerva?” She might’ve looked embarrassed for a moment, and then she smiled as she looked down at Pettigrew, who lay on his belly, his arms and legs lying akimbo some distance away. “Unorthodox,” she said, “but useful in a pinch. If someone would inform the Headmaster, and send an owl to the Ministry—-not Fudge, not Crouch, someone competent—-Shacklebolt, perhaps. Students, return to your classrooms, please. Mr. Weasley, I’m very sorry, but I do believe it’s impossible to return you your rat. However, the zero I was going to have to give you for the day’s work is entirely undeserved, as you were not transfiguring a normal rat. You may make the lesson up any time this week.” - The story was, of course, much embellished by the time it reached all the students. Versions of it had the intruder peppering Snape with a Glitter Hex or transfiguring Ron’s rat into a pair of boxers, and people had to be disabused of the notion that it had been Voldemort who’d been hiding as a rat all this time. Snape gave both Weasley twins detention for tripping him, and took forty-seven points total from Gryffindor over the next few weeks for various pretend-subtle pollen references. Kingsley Shacklebolt showed up with a team of Aurors in time to meet Professor Dumbledore; the Wizengamot launched an investigation into the events surrounding the Potters’ murder; the results turned into a scandal which saw the release of Sirius Black and the forced resignation of both Director Bartemious Crouch and Minister Cornelius Fudge. Director of Magical Law Enforcement Amelia Bones was confirmed as Minister of Magic shortly thereafte, and the Daily Prophet reported that Sirius Black (“Godfather to the Boy-Who-Lived!” “Framed, Abandoned, Condemned to Living Hell!” “Heart-Wrenching: His Release In Pictures, Page 17!”) was considering applying for a teaching position at Hogwarts, “but just for a year, I’ve been cursed enough for one lifetime.” (“The Prophet reminds its readers that the so-called “curse” on a certain Hogwarts teaching position is almost certainly a mere string of coincidences.”) And, Minerva thought with relish some months later, it was almost three weeks before anyone attempted messing around in her class. A personal record. I’ve probably reblogged this before but I’m going to do it again right now I think this is literally the best au this entire fandom has produced I’ve only seen this legendary bit of writing in memes and screenshots. I feel so blessed to see it in person. Beautiful, simply beautiful! Reblogging my own post because a) it’s my damn horn and I’ll blow it if I want to, and b) I just (finally!) cross-posted this to Archive Of Our Own, so if anybody wants to go read it over there, here it is. @deadcatwithaflamethrower My only complaint is that Theodore Nott and Fred Weasely wouldn’t be in the same Potions class. *is pedantic* *reblogging because now you can bookmark it on AO3*
dungeons: deadcatwithaflamethrower:

hebic:
kyraneko:

balencia:

kitrazzle:

pissedoffweasley:

wizardingheadcanon:

kyraneko:

elidyce:

thatgirlonstage:

fuckyeahdeathlyhallows:

sirlestrange:

#that is a human as a rat as a cup

That was a long 12 years for Wormtail.

Can you imagine how differently their lives would’ve gone if Ron, in trying to transfigure Scabbers, had actually transfigured him back into a human?Just take a moment to imagine McGonagall’s reaction if Peter Pettigrew had abruptly appeared in her classroom from Ronald Weasley’s rat.Take a moment.

Or if Ron had fucked it up a little worse and couldn’t get ‘Scabbers’ back and McGonagall had take him to disenchant him and next thing we know there’s a naked Peter Pettigrew sitting on McGonagall’s desk and the kids in that class learn six new swear words, a hex they will never dare to use, and a fear of Minerva McGonagall’s wrath that will be with them until the day they die.
Ten and twenty years later first years are being pulled aside and warned never mess around in Transfiguration seriously the last time a kid mucked something up in that class Professor McGonagall used two semi-legal hexes, took down a Death Eater and sabotaged the rise of the Dark Lord before Potter had time to get his wand out.

What most of Hogwarts learned first on that otherwise-unexceptionable day was that Professor McGonagall could sure scream loud.
Professor Flitwick’s Charms 5th-year Charms class was close enough to catch the full effect, and the door had been left open besides; en masse the students recoiled with shock and a miscast Hiccuping Charm broke one of the windows (out which the entire flock of ravens they were practicing on escaped to the Forbidden Forest where they only had to worry about centaurs, rather than annoying young humans with wands).
Up in the Divination Tower, Sibyl Trelawny preened over her foresight to have warned her students of an unprecedented catastrophe likely to occur before the hour was out.
Out in Greenhouse Five, a NEWT-level Herbology class looked up in puzzlement, and most of them were subsequently bitten by the Venomous Tentaculae they were attempting to propagate. It does not do to ignore a Venomous Tentacula when you’re prodding at its intimate parts with a cotton ball held in tweezers, so the class was cancelled while two-thirds of the students headed for the infirmary and the rest of them headed into the castle because if they stayed with the Venomous Tentaculae they’d be outnumbered, and nobody wants that.
And down in the dungeons, Professor Snape turned away from comparing Lee Jordan’s Pepper-Up Potion to spoiled cream at what sounded like a woman screaming from the entrance hall. At the second scream, he ordered the class to remain where they were and behave, sweeping out of the room just in time to miss Theodore Nott suddenly jumping up and yelping as if someone had put a crocodile heart down the back of his robes.
Fred Weasley stepped back from the unfortunate Slytherin, shared a smirk with his twin, and stuck his head out the door to make sure Snape had rounded the corner before leading the way out of the classroom.
-
Back in the Transfiguration classroom, about four minutes ago, it had started innocently enough. Ron Weasley, possessed of a broken wand and a lurking suspicion that most of the family’s magical talent had been soaked up by his siblings before he was around to get any, had attempted to turn his pet rat, Scabbers, into a teacup.
Scabbers had not become a teacup.
Scabbers, blast his useless furry little backside, had become a furry, vaguely teacup-shaped monstrosity out of which absolutely no one would have been tempted to drink, and to make matters worse, he still had a tail.
It was moving.
Harry was hiding a smile behind his hand. Dean and Seamus weren’t even trying to hide, elbowing each other and laughing. Parvati and Lavender were looking with disgust and horror at either Scabbers or him, and Hermione was opening her mouth, no doubt ready to tell him exactly what he’d done wrong.
Which only made it worse that he really thought he’d done everything right this time.
He snatched Scabbers off the desk (eww, the base of the cup had the same texture as rat feet) and turned away from Hermione. He made the wand movement again, picturing in his mind the way McGonagall had demonstrated it. “Erreverto.”
“Erreverto. Erreverto. Erreverto.”
It didn’t work. It didn’t work when Professor McGonagall stopped by and gave Hermione two points for Gryffindor for getting the spell perfect in both directions. It didn’t work when Harry made his successful transfiguration (Ron looked; the pattern was a little bit furry but it was definitely a teacup). Ron’s lips formed the shape of a word that would’ve made his mother box his ears had she heard it and attempted the reverse transfiguration, which didn’t work either.
Finally, faced not only with the indignity of failure but the threat of Scabbers being stuck like that, he’d gone up to Professor McGonagall’s desk.
“Um, Professor?”
Professor McGonagall looked up from the paper she was grading and looked from him to the squirming teacup. “Problems, Mr. Weasley?”
“Um, yeah, Professor. I can’t get it to work in either direction and it’s not fair to Scabbers to make him stay as a teacup just because I can’t do a spell right and can you maybe … ?”
“I suppose so, Mr. Weasley,” she said, and waved her wand in the exact manner Ron had been doing all along.
Nothing happened.
Professor McGonagall looked very, very puzzled.
“Now that’s odd,” she said softly.
As one, the other students rose from their seats and quietly moved closer.
She did not attempt the transfiguration in the other direction. Instead, she made a complex motion with her wand and murmured an incantation that possibly only Hermione recognized. The teacup squeaked. Professor McGonagall looked more puzzled than ever, and made a sweeping wand movement that ended with a sharp jab and uttered, “Arcanum finite!”
And there was a loud bang, and there was a pale, pudgy, and very naked man sprawled out on her desk, and she jumped back hard enough to knock her chair into the wall and screamed.
-
Having taught a particularly rigorous course of magical study to children and teens for quite some time now, Minerva McGonagall had become accustomed to certain things. Students who didn’t listen. Students who did rude things to the mice when they thought she wasn’t looking. Students who accidentally turned a frog or a raven into a flock of starlings or a school of strange slimy South American fish (and tried to solve the immediate problem by filling the classroom with two feet of water, neglecting to consider the gap under the door). Students who tried to transfigure their noses into a more appealing shape and wound up in the hospital wing regrowing their nostrils.
Naked men on her desk was something Minerva McGonagall had never had an occasion to get used to. What made it worse was that she recognized this one, and he’d been dead for more than a decade.
Inferius! was her first thought, followed shortly thereafter by Animagus, which collided with Peter Pettigrew! and produced the utterly horrifying thought of what if all four of them were Animagi? which didn’t bear thinking about at all, so her brain jumped to if he wasn’t killed by a Dark Wizard then why didn’t he say so? and realized there was only one possible explanation why, and about that time her eyes registered that parts of Peter Pettigrew she really doesn’t want to know about were flopping about in front of her face, and she was screaming as she jumped back.
The flow of invective which followed somehow failed to surprise her one bit. Some part of her registered, peripherally, the shocked faces of her students, but most of her attention was directed at Peter Pettigrew, who at very least faked his own death and at worst framed Sirius Black and if Black didn’t betray the Potters then who … did. And the words poured out of her, filthy English and filthier Latin while Pettigrew squirmed on the table, his face rage and guilt and fear and something shifty and contemptible, and he turned to look at the stunned students and lunged for Ron Weasley’s wand.
-
Severus Snape had reached the Entrance Hall by the time the scream died away and the invective replaced it. He almost smirked, amid the alarm; of all the things he’d never expected to hear from Minerva McGonagall … he took the stairs two at a time, still not noticing the students who followed.
He did notice the Herbology class, which had stopped on the way to the Infirmary and were staring transfixed in the direction of the Transfiguration classroom, but pushed his way through them, getting Venomous Tentacula pollen all over his robes in the process.
From the other end of the corridor came Professor Flitwick’s Charms class, with Professor Flitwick bringing up the rear and pushing his way between students.
-
Ron looked stunned as the man who’d been his pet rat snatched the wand from his hand; Professor McGonagal’s expression shifted to one beyond fury and when the entire class recoiled, it wasn’t from the naked man with the wand.
“Laedo!“ Minerva McGonagall roared.
-
Ron Weasley’s wand cast a Splintering Curse many years beyond its rightful owner’s abilities, and it did Peter Pettigrew the poor favor of eliminating the door, which might have slowed him down a bit.
-
Severus Snape flailed and skidded to a halt as the Transfiguration classroom’s door shattered. He stepped back just in time, and stared, jaw dropped in shock, as a naked man he recognized from his school days flew past him and bellyflopped against the wall, bounced, and collapsed to the ground just in time to avoid the “Exitium!” which followed and vaporized an impresive chunk of the castle’s stone wall.
Fred and George and Lee Jordan, determined to stay at the front of the crowd, had been pushed almost against Professor Snape by their fellow Potions classmates and some pollen-coated Hufflepuffs. Fred squirmed aside hastily as Professor McGonagall appeared in the doorway, the look on her face so utterly livid that Professors Snape and Flitwick both reflexively stepped back.
Snape tripped over George’s foot and fell against a knot of Hufflepuffs, releasing another cloud of pollen and knocking them backwards. Pettigrew saw his opportunity and took it, scrambling to his feet, stumbling sideways, and launching himself towards the gap.
And Minerva McGonagall made a thrust with her wand and said, “Perdo.”
In the very loud silence which followed, Filius Flitwick squeaked, “The Splinching Charm, Minerva?”
She might’ve looked embarrassed for a moment, and then she smiled as she looked down at Pettigrew, who lay on his belly, his arms and legs lying akimbo some distance away.
“Unorthodox,” she said, “but useful in a pinch. If someone would inform the Headmaster, and send an owl to the Ministry—-not Fudge, not Crouch, someone competent—-Shacklebolt, perhaps. Students, return to your classrooms, please. Mr. Weasley, I’m very sorry, but I do believe it’s impossible to return you your rat. However, the zero I was going to have to give you for the day’s work is entirely undeserved, as you were not transfiguring a normal rat. You may make the lesson up any time this week.”
-
The story was, of course, much embellished by the time it reached all the students. Versions of it had the intruder peppering Snape with a Glitter Hex or transfiguring Ron’s rat into a pair of boxers, and people had to be disabused of the notion that it had been Voldemort who’d been hiding as a rat all this time.
Snape gave both Weasley twins detention for tripping him, and took forty-seven points total from Gryffindor over the next few weeks for various pretend-subtle pollen references.
Kingsley Shacklebolt showed up with a team of Aurors in time to meet Professor Dumbledore; the Wizengamot launched an investigation into the events surrounding the Potters’ murder; the results turned into a scandal which saw the release of Sirius Black and the forced resignation of both Director Bartemious Crouch and Minister Cornelius Fudge. Director of Magical Law Enforcement Amelia Bones was confirmed as Minister of Magic shortly thereafte, and the Daily Prophet reported that Sirius Black (“Godfather to the Boy-Who-Lived!” “Framed, Abandoned, Condemned to Living Hell!” “Heart-Wrenching: His Release In Pictures, Page 17!”) was considering applying for a teaching position at Hogwarts, “but just for a year, I’ve been cursed enough for one lifetime.” (“The Prophet reminds its readers that the so-called “curse” on a certain Hogwarts teaching position is almost certainly a mere string of coincidences.”)
And, Minerva thought with relish some months later, it was almost three weeks before anyone attempted messing around in her class.
A personal record.

I’ve probably reblogged this before but I’m going to do it again right now

I think this is literally the best au this entire fandom has produced

I’ve only seen this legendary bit of writing in memes and screenshots. I feel so blessed to see it in person.

Beautiful, simply beautiful!

Reblogging my own post because a) it’s my damn horn and I’ll blow it if I want to, and b) I just (finally!) cross-posted this to Archive Of Our Own, so if anybody wants to go read it over there, here it is.


@deadcatwithaflamethrower 
My only complaint is that Theodore Nott and Fred Weasely wouldn’t be in the same Potions class. *is pedantic*

*reblogging because now you can bookmark it on AO3*

deadcatwithaflamethrower: hebic: kyraneko: balencia: kitrazzle: pissedoffweasley: wizardingheadcanon: kyraneko: elidyce: thatgirl...

dungeons: jordyjinx: space_witch666: DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS @xlindseywayx @gerardway @mikeyway @jimmyurine @angryzen @_brigitte._ What a bunch of adorable fucking nerds, I love them..
dungeons: jordyjinx:

space_witch666: DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS @xlindseywayx @gerardway @mikeyway @jimmyurine @angryzen @_brigitte._



What a bunch of adorable fucking nerds, I love them..

jordyjinx: space_witch666: DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS @xlindseywayx @gerardway @mikeyway @jimmyurine @angryzen @_brigitte._ What a bunch of...

dungeons: jordyjinx: space_witch666: DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS @xlindseywayx @gerardway @mikeyway @jimmyurine @angryzen @_brigitte._
dungeons: jordyjinx:

space_witch666: DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS @xlindseywayx @gerardway @mikeyway @jimmyurine @angryzen @_brigitte._

jordyjinx: space_witch666: DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS @xlindseywayx @gerardway @mikeyway @jimmyurine @angryzen @_brigitte._

dungeons: rmh8402: pegasusdragontiger: kyraneko: balencia: kitrazzle: pissedoffweasley: wizardingheadcanon: kyraneko: elidyce: thatgirlonstage: fuckyeahdeathlyhallows: sirlestrange: #that is a human as a rat as a cup That was a long 12 years for Wormtail. Can you imagine how differently their lives would’ve gone if Ron, in trying to transfigure Scabbers, had actually transfigured him back into a human?Just take a moment to imagine McGonagall’s reaction if Peter Pettigrew had abruptly appeared in her classroom from Ronald Weasley’s rat.Take a moment. Or if Ron had fucked it up a little worse and couldn’t get ‘Scabbers’ back and McGonagall had take him to disenchant him and next thing we know there’s a naked Peter Pettigrew sitting on McGonagall’s desk and the kids in that class learn six new swear words, a hex they will never dare to use, and a fear of Minerva McGonagall’s wrath that will be with them until the day they die. Ten and twenty years later first years are being pulled aside and warned never mess around in Transfiguration seriously the last time a kid mucked something up in that class Professor McGonagall used two semi-legal hexes, took down a Death Eater and sabotaged the rise of the Dark Lord before Potter had time to get his wand out. What most of Hogwarts learned first on that otherwise-unexceptionable day was that Professor McGonagall could sure scream loud. Professor Flitwick’s Charms 5th-year Charms class was close enough to catch the full effect, and the door had been left open besides; en masse the students recoiled with shock and a miscast Hiccuping Charm broke one of the windows (out which the entire flock of ravens they were practicing on escaped to the Forbidden Forest where they only had to worry about centaurs, rather than annoying young humans with wands). Up in the Divination Tower, Sibyl Trelawny preened over her foresight to have warned her students of an unprecedented catastrophe likely to occur before the hour was out. Out in Greenhouse Five, a NEWT-level Herbology class looked up in puzzlement, and most of them were subsequently bitten by the Venomous Tentaculae they were attempting to propagate. It does not do to ignore a Venomous Tentacula when you’re prodding at its intimate parts with a cotton ball held in tweezers, so the class was cancelled while two-thirds of the students headed for the infirmary and the rest of them headed into the castle because if they stayed with the Venomous Tentaculae they’d be outnumbered, and nobody wants that. And down in the dungeons, Professor Snape turned away from comparing Lee Jordan’s Pepper-Up Potion to spoiled cream at what sounded like a woman screaming from the entrance hall. At the second scream, he ordered the class to remain where they were and behave, sweeping out of the room just in time to miss Theodore Nott suddenly jumping up and yelping as if someone had put a crocodile heart down the back of his robes. Fred Weasley stepped back from the unfortunate Slytherin, shared a smirk with his twin, and stuck his head out the door to make sure Snape had rounded the corner before leading the way out of the classroom. - Back in the Transfiguration classroom, about four minutes ago, it had started innocently enough. Ron Weasley, possessed of a broken wand and a lurking suspicion that most of the family’s magical talent had been soaked up by his siblings before he was around to get any, had attempted to turn his pet rat, Scabbers, into a teacup. Scabbers had not become a teacup. Scabbers, blast his useless furry little backside, had become a furry, vaguely teacup-shaped monstrosity out of which absolutely no one would have been tempted to drink, and to make matters worse, he still had a tail. It was moving. Harry was hiding a smile behind his hand. Dean and Seamus weren’t even trying to hide, elbowing each other and laughing. Parvati and Lavender were looking with disgust and horror at either Scabbers or him, and Hermione was opening her mouth, no doubt ready to tell him exactly what he’d done wrong. Which only made it worse that he really thought he’d done everything right this time. He snatched Scabbers off the desk (eww, the base of the cup had the same texture as rat feet) and turned away from Hermione. He made the wand movement again, picturing in his mind the way McGonagall had demonstrated it. “Erreverto.” “Erreverto. Erreverto. Erreverto.” It didn’t work. It didn’t work when Professor McGonagall stopped by and gave Hermione two points for Gryffindor for getting the spell perfect in both directions. It didn’t work when Harry made his successful transfiguration (Ron looked; the pattern was a little bit furry but it was definitely a teacup). Ron’s lips formed the shape of a word that would’ve made his mother box his ears had she heard it and attempted the reverse transfiguration, which didn’t work either. Finally, faced not only with the indignity of failure but the threat of Scabbers being stuck like that, he’d gone up to Professor McGonagall’s desk. “Um, Professor?” Professor McGonagall looked up from the paper she was grading and looked from him to the squirming teacup. “Problems, Mr. Weasley?” “Um, yeah, Professor. I can’t get it to work in either direction and it’s not fair to Scabbers to make him stay as a teacup just because I can’t do a spell right and can you maybe … ?” “I suppose so, Mr. Weasley,” she said, and waved her wand in the exact manner Ron had been doing all along. Nothing happened. Professor McGonagall looked very, very puzzled. “Now that’s odd,” she said softly. As one, the other students rose from their seats and quietly moved closer. She did not attempt the transfiguration in the other direction. Instead, she made a complex motion with her wand and murmured an incantation that possibly only Hermione recognized. The teacup squeaked. Professor McGonagall looked more puzzled than ever, and made a sweeping wand movement that ended with a sharp jab and uttered, “Arcanum finite!” And there was a loud bang, and there was a pale, pudgy, and very naked man sprawled out on her desk, and she jumped back hard enough to knock her chair into the wall and screamed. - Having taught a particularly rigorous course of magical study to children and teens for quite some time now, Minerva McGonagall had become accustomed to certain things. Students who didn’t listen. Students who did rude things to the mice when they thought she wasn’t looking. Students who accidentally turned a frog or a raven into a flock of starlings or a school of strange slimy South American fish (and tried to solve the immediate problem by filling the classroom with two feet of water, neglecting to consider the gap under the door). Students who tried to transfigure their noses into a more appealing shape and wound up in the hospital wing regrowing their nostrils. Naked men on her desk was something Minerva McGonagall had never had an occasion to get used to. What made it worse was that she recognized this one, and he’d been dead for more than a decade. Inferius! was her first thought, followed shortly thereafter by Animagus, which collided with Peter Pettigrew! and produced the utterly horrifying thought of what if all four of them were Animagi? which didn’t bear thinking about at all, so her brain jumped to if he wasn’t killed by a Dark Wizard then why didn’t he say so? and realized there was only one possible explanation why, and about that time her eyes registered that parts of Peter Pettigrew she really doesn’t want to know about were flopping about in front of her face, and she was screaming as she jumped back. The flow of invective which followed somehow failed to surprise her one bit. Some part of her registered, peripherally, the shocked faces of her students, but most of her attention was directed at Peter Pettigrew, who at very least faked his own death and at worst framed Sirius Black and if Black didn’t betray the Potters then who … did. And the words poured out of her, filthy English and filthier Latin while Pettigrew squirmed on the table, his face rage and guilt and fear and something shifty and contemptible, and he turned to look at the stunned students and lunged for Ron Weasley’s wand. - Severus Snape had reached the Entrance Hall by the time the scream died away and the invective replaced it. He almost smirked, amid the alarm; of all the things he’d never expected to hear from Minerva McGonagall … he took the stairs two at a time, still not noticing the students who followed. He did notice the Herbology class, which had stopped on the way to the Infirmary and were staring transfixed in the direction of the Transfiguration classroom, but pushed his way through them, getting Venomous Tentacula pollen all over his robes in the process. From the other end of the corridor came Professor Flitwick’s Charms class, with Professor Flitwick bringing up the rear and pushing his way between students. - Ron looked stunned as the man who’d been his pet rat snatched the wand from his hand; Professor McGonagal’s expression shifted to one beyond fury and when the entire class recoiled, it wasn’t from the naked man with the wand. “Laedo!“ Minerva McGonagall roared. - Ron Weasley’s wand cast a Splintering Curse many years beyond its rightful owner’s abilities, and it did Peter Pettigrew the poor favor of eliminating the door, which might have slowed him down a bit. - Severus Snape flailed and skidded to a halt as the Transfiguration classroom’s door shattered. He stepped back just in time, and stared, jaw dropped in shock, as a naked man he recognized from his school days flew past him and bellyflopped against the wall, bounced, and collapsed to the ground just in time to avoid the “Exitium!” which followed and vaporized an impresive chunk of the castle’s stone wall. Fred and George and Lee Jordan, determined to stay at the front of the crowd, had been pushed almost against Professor Snape by their fellow Potions classmates and some pollen-coated Hufflepuffs. Fred squirmed aside hastily as Professor McGonagall appeared in the doorway, the look on her face so utterly livid that Professors Snape and Flitwick both reflexively stepped back. Snape tripped over George’s foot and fell against a knot of Hufflepuffs, releasing another cloud of pollen and knocking them backwards. Pettigrew saw his opportunity and took it, scrambling to his feet, stumbling sideways, and launching himself towards the gap. And Minerva McGonagall made a thrust with her wand and said, “Perdo.” In the very loud silence which followed, Filius Flitwick squeaked, “The Splinching Charm, Minerva?” She might’ve looked embarrassed for a moment, and then she smiled as she looked down at Pettigrew, who lay on his belly, his arms and legs lying akimbo some distance away. “Unorthodox,” she said, “but useful in a pinch. If someone would inform the Headmaster, and send an owl to the Ministry—-not Fudge, not Crouch, someone competent—-Shacklebolt, perhaps. Students, return to your classrooms, please. Mr. Weasley, I’m very sorry, but I do believe it’s impossible to return you your rat. However, the zero I was going to have to give you for the day’s work is entirely undeserved, as you were not transfiguring a normal rat. You may make the lesson up any time this week.” - The story was, of course, much embellished by the time it reached all the students. Versions of it had the intruder peppering Snape with a Glitter Hex or transfiguring Ron’s rat into a pair of boxers, and people had to be disabused of the notion that it had been Voldemort who’d been hiding as a rat all this time. Snape gave both Weasley twins detention for tripping him, and took forty-seven points total from Gryffindor over the next few weeks for various pretend-subtle pollen references. Kingsley Shacklebolt showed up with a team of Aurors in time to meet Professor Dumbledore; the Wizengamot launched an investigation into the events surrounding the Potters’ murder; the results turned into a scandal which saw the release of Sirius Black and the forced resignation of both Director Bartemious Crouch and Minister Cornelius Fudge. Director of Magical Law Enforcement Amelia Bones was confirmed as Minister of Magic shortly thereafte, and the Daily Prophet reported that Sirius Black (“Godfather to the Boy-Who-Lived!” “Framed, Abandoned, Condemned to Living Hell!” “Heart-Wrenching: His Release In Pictures, Page 17!”) was considering applying for a teaching position at Hogwarts, “but just for a year, I’ve been cursed enough for one lifetime.” (“The Prophet reminds its readers that the so-called “curse” on a certain Hogwarts teaching position is almost certainly a mere string of coincidences.”) And, Minerva thought with relish some months later, it was almost three weeks before anyone attempted messing around in her class. A personal record. I’ve probably reblogged this before but I’m going to do it again right now I think this is literally the best au this entire fandom has produced I’ve only seen this legendary bit of writing in memes and screenshots. I feel so blessed to see it in person. Beautiful, simply beautiful! Reblogging my own post because a) it’s my damn horn and I’ll blow it if I want to, and b) I just (finally!) cross-posted this to Archive Of Our Own, so if anybody wants to go read it over there, here it is. YESSSSSSS!  Love it!!
dungeons: rmh8402:

pegasusdragontiger:


kyraneko:

balencia:

kitrazzle:

pissedoffweasley:

wizardingheadcanon:

kyraneko:

elidyce:

thatgirlonstage:

fuckyeahdeathlyhallows:

sirlestrange:

#that is a human as a rat as a cup

That was a long 12 years for Wormtail.

Can you imagine how differently their lives would’ve gone if Ron, in trying to transfigure Scabbers, had actually transfigured him back into a human?Just take a moment to imagine McGonagall’s reaction if Peter Pettigrew had abruptly appeared in her classroom from Ronald Weasley’s rat.Take a moment.

Or if Ron had fucked it up a little worse and couldn’t get ‘Scabbers’ back and McGonagall had take him to disenchant him and next thing we know there’s a naked Peter Pettigrew sitting on McGonagall’s desk and the kids in that class learn six new swear words, a hex they will never dare to use, and a fear of Minerva McGonagall’s wrath that will be with them until the day they die.
Ten and twenty years later first years are being pulled aside and warned never mess around in Transfiguration seriously the last time a kid mucked something up in that class Professor McGonagall used two semi-legal hexes, took down a Death Eater and sabotaged the rise of the Dark Lord before Potter had time to get his wand out.

What most of Hogwarts learned first on that otherwise-unexceptionable day was that Professor McGonagall could sure scream loud.
Professor Flitwick’s Charms 5th-year Charms class was close enough to catch the full effect, and the door had been left open besides; en masse the students recoiled with shock and a miscast Hiccuping Charm broke one of the windows (out which the entire flock of ravens they were practicing on escaped to the Forbidden Forest where they only had to worry about centaurs, rather than annoying young humans with wands).
Up in the Divination Tower, Sibyl Trelawny preened over her foresight to have warned her students of an unprecedented catastrophe likely to occur before the hour was out.
Out in Greenhouse Five, a NEWT-level Herbology class looked up in puzzlement, and most of them were subsequently bitten by the Venomous Tentaculae they were attempting to propagate. It does not do to ignore a Venomous Tentacula when you’re prodding at its intimate parts with a cotton ball held in tweezers, so the class was cancelled while two-thirds of the students headed for the infirmary and the rest of them headed into the castle because if they stayed with the Venomous Tentaculae they’d be outnumbered, and nobody wants that.
And down in the dungeons, Professor Snape turned away from comparing Lee Jordan’s Pepper-Up Potion to spoiled cream at what sounded like a woman screaming from the entrance hall. At the second scream, he ordered the class to remain where they were and behave, sweeping out of the room just in time to miss Theodore Nott suddenly jumping up and yelping as if someone had put a crocodile heart down the back of his robes.
Fred Weasley stepped back from the unfortunate Slytherin, shared a smirk with his twin, and stuck his head out the door to make sure Snape had rounded the corner before leading the way out of the classroom.
-
Back in the Transfiguration classroom, about four minutes ago, it had started innocently enough. Ron Weasley, possessed of a broken wand and a lurking suspicion that most of the family’s magical talent had been soaked up by his siblings before he was around to get any, had attempted to turn his pet rat, Scabbers, into a teacup.
Scabbers had not become a teacup.
Scabbers, blast his useless furry little backside, had become a furry, vaguely teacup-shaped monstrosity out of which absolutely no one would have been tempted to drink, and to make matters worse, he still had a tail.
It was moving.
Harry was hiding a smile behind his hand. Dean and Seamus weren’t even trying to hide, elbowing each other and laughing. Parvati and Lavender were looking with disgust and horror at either Scabbers or him, and Hermione was opening her mouth, no doubt ready to tell him exactly what he’d done wrong.
Which only made it worse that he really thought he’d done everything right this time.
He snatched Scabbers off the desk (eww, the base of the cup had the same texture as rat feet) and turned away from Hermione. He made the wand movement again, picturing in his mind the way McGonagall had demonstrated it. “Erreverto.”
“Erreverto. Erreverto. Erreverto.”
It didn’t work. It didn’t work when Professor McGonagall stopped by and gave Hermione two points for Gryffindor for getting the spell perfect in both directions. It didn’t work when Harry made his successful transfiguration (Ron looked; the pattern was a little bit furry but it was definitely a teacup). Ron’s lips formed the shape of a word that would’ve made his mother box his ears had she heard it and attempted the reverse transfiguration, which didn’t work either.
Finally, faced not only with the indignity of failure but the threat of Scabbers being stuck like that, he’d gone up to Professor McGonagall’s desk.
“Um, Professor?”
Professor McGonagall looked up from the paper she was grading and looked from him to the squirming teacup. “Problems, Mr. Weasley?”
“Um, yeah, Professor. I can’t get it to work in either direction and it’s not fair to Scabbers to make him stay as a teacup just because I can’t do a spell right and can you maybe … ?”
“I suppose so, Mr. Weasley,” she said, and waved her wand in the exact manner Ron had been doing all along.
Nothing happened.
Professor McGonagall looked very, very puzzled.
“Now that’s odd,” she said softly.
As one, the other students rose from their seats and quietly moved closer.
She did not attempt the transfiguration in the other direction. Instead, she made a complex motion with her wand and murmured an incantation that possibly only Hermione recognized. The teacup squeaked. Professor McGonagall looked more puzzled than ever, and made a sweeping wand movement that ended with a sharp jab and uttered, “Arcanum finite!”
And there was a loud bang, and there was a pale, pudgy, and very naked man sprawled out on her desk, and she jumped back hard enough to knock her chair into the wall and screamed.
-
Having taught a particularly rigorous course of magical study to children and teens for quite some time now, Minerva McGonagall had become accustomed to certain things. Students who didn’t listen. Students who did rude things to the mice when they thought she wasn’t looking. Students who accidentally turned a frog or a raven into a flock of starlings or a school of strange slimy South American fish (and tried to solve the immediate problem by filling the classroom with two feet of water, neglecting to consider the gap under the door). Students who tried to transfigure their noses into a more appealing shape and wound up in the hospital wing regrowing their nostrils.
Naked men on her desk was something Minerva McGonagall had never had an occasion to get used to. What made it worse was that she recognized this one, and he’d been dead for more than a decade.
Inferius! was her first thought, followed shortly thereafter by Animagus, which collided with Peter Pettigrew! and produced the utterly horrifying thought of what if all four of them were Animagi? which didn’t bear thinking about at all, so her brain jumped to if he wasn’t killed by a Dark Wizard then why didn’t he say so? and realized there was only one possible explanation why, and about that time her eyes registered that parts of Peter Pettigrew she really doesn’t want to know about were flopping about in front of her face, and she was screaming as she jumped back.
The flow of invective which followed somehow failed to surprise her one bit. Some part of her registered, peripherally, the shocked faces of her students, but most of her attention was directed at Peter Pettigrew, who at very least faked his own death and at worst framed Sirius Black and if Black didn’t betray the Potters then who … did. And the words poured out of her, filthy English and filthier Latin while Pettigrew squirmed on the table, his face rage and guilt and fear and something shifty and contemptible, and he turned to look at the stunned students and lunged for Ron Weasley’s wand.
-
Severus Snape had reached the Entrance Hall by the time the scream died away and the invective replaced it. He almost smirked, amid the alarm; of all the things he’d never expected to hear from Minerva McGonagall … he took the stairs two at a time, still not noticing the students who followed.
He did notice the Herbology class, which had stopped on the way to the Infirmary and were staring transfixed in the direction of the Transfiguration classroom, but pushed his way through them, getting Venomous Tentacula pollen all over his robes in the process.
From the other end of the corridor came Professor Flitwick’s Charms class, with Professor Flitwick bringing up the rear and pushing his way between students.
-
Ron looked stunned as the man who’d been his pet rat snatched the wand from his hand; Professor McGonagal’s expression shifted to one beyond fury and when the entire class recoiled, it wasn’t from the naked man with the wand.
“Laedo!“ Minerva McGonagall roared.
-
Ron Weasley’s wand cast a Splintering Curse many years beyond its rightful owner’s abilities, and it did Peter Pettigrew the poor favor of eliminating the door, which might have slowed him down a bit.
-
Severus Snape flailed and skidded to a halt as the Transfiguration classroom’s door shattered. He stepped back just in time, and stared, jaw dropped in shock, as a naked man he recognized from his school days flew past him and bellyflopped against the wall, bounced, and collapsed to the ground just in time to avoid the “Exitium!” which followed and vaporized an impresive chunk of the castle’s stone wall.
Fred and George and Lee Jordan, determined to stay at the front of the crowd, had been pushed almost against Professor Snape by their fellow Potions classmates and some pollen-coated Hufflepuffs. Fred squirmed aside hastily as Professor McGonagall appeared in the doorway, the look on her face so utterly livid that Professors Snape and Flitwick both reflexively stepped back.
Snape tripped over George’s foot and fell against a knot of Hufflepuffs, releasing another cloud of pollen and knocking them backwards. Pettigrew saw his opportunity and took it, scrambling to his feet, stumbling sideways, and launching himself towards the gap.
And Minerva McGonagall made a thrust with her wand and said, “Perdo.”
In the very loud silence which followed, Filius Flitwick squeaked, “The Splinching Charm, Minerva?”
She might’ve looked embarrassed for a moment, and then she smiled as she looked down at Pettigrew, who lay on his belly, his arms and legs lying akimbo some distance away.
“Unorthodox,” she said, “but useful in a pinch. If someone would inform the Headmaster, and send an owl to the Ministry—-not Fudge, not Crouch, someone competent—-Shacklebolt, perhaps. Students, return to your classrooms, please. Mr. Weasley, I’m very sorry, but I do believe it’s impossible to return you your rat. However, the zero I was going to have to give you for the day’s work is entirely undeserved, as you were not transfiguring a normal rat. You may make the lesson up any time this week.”
-
The story was, of course, much embellished by the time it reached all the students. Versions of it had the intruder peppering Snape with a Glitter Hex or transfiguring Ron’s rat into a pair of boxers, and people had to be disabused of the notion that it had been Voldemort who’d been hiding as a rat all this time.
Snape gave both Weasley twins detention for tripping him, and took forty-seven points total from Gryffindor over the next few weeks for various pretend-subtle pollen references.
Kingsley Shacklebolt showed up with a team of Aurors in time to meet Professor Dumbledore; the Wizengamot launched an investigation into the events surrounding the Potters’ murder; the results turned into a scandal which saw the release of Sirius Black and the forced resignation of both Director Bartemious Crouch and Minister Cornelius Fudge. Director of Magical Law Enforcement Amelia Bones was confirmed as Minister of Magic shortly thereafte, and the Daily Prophet reported that Sirius Black (“Godfather to the Boy-Who-Lived!” “Framed, Abandoned, Condemned to Living Hell!” “Heart-Wrenching: His Release In Pictures, Page 17!”) was considering applying for a teaching position at Hogwarts, “but just for a year, I’ve been cursed enough for one lifetime.” (“The Prophet reminds its readers that the so-called “curse” on a certain Hogwarts teaching position is almost certainly a mere string of coincidences.”)
And, Minerva thought with relish some months later, it was almost three weeks before anyone attempted messing around in her class.
A personal record.

I’ve probably reblogged this before but I’m going to do it again right now

I think this is literally the best au this entire fandom has produced

I’ve only seen this legendary bit of writing in memes and screenshots. I feel so blessed to see it in person.

Beautiful, simply beautiful!

Reblogging my own post because a) it’s my damn horn and I’ll blow it if I want to, and b) I just (finally!) cross-posted this to Archive Of Our Own, so if anybody wants to go read it over there, here it is.

YESSSSSSS! 


Love it!!

rmh8402: pegasusdragontiger: kyraneko: balencia: kitrazzle: pissedoffweasley: wizardingheadcanon: kyraneko: elidyce: thatgirlon...

dungeons: 0 IN MID-2004, WITH THE GLOBAL DOMINATION THAT WAS TO COME JUST A MURMUR ON THE HORIZON, WE FOLLOWED MCR AROUND THE UK FOR ONE OF THEIR VERY FIRST METAL HAMMER FEATURES WORDS: JOHN DORAN PHOTOS: JOHN McMURTRIE mcrscans.tumblr.com G- prepared for the accident that was to happen tonight at premier sauna-cum-venue, The Garage. During erard Way had been having premonitions that he was going to be blinded for months. The lead an eviscerating performance, Gerard throws himself singer of My Chemical Romancetoward the crowd just as one particularly lust-crazed kept on seeing it happen in dreams and each time he would young woman thrusts her arms up to touch him. Gerard, now wearing onyx-black shades, takes up the story: "I head-banged into her finger and it went right in my eye. It was the weirdest feeling. It was painful but the worst thing was how weird it was. I could feel her finger in my eye and all this really warm fluid running down my face. I thought my eyeball had burst and I just kept on thinking about the dreams I'd been having about wake up in a cold sweat, shaking. So he was almost going blind. I was like, 'Dude, I've lost this left eye: But the finger was right back into my socket around the eyeball where all the tendons and shit are. It made LEAP OF FAITH: THE MCRMY PILE IN ANK GENUFLECTS AT HE ALTAR OF SCREAM 38 METLHAMNERCOUK THE BROTHERS WAY: DIVVENT MESS garage RISTOR music "DOESTHE NUMBER 30 GO FROM HERE MATE?" a really weird slurping noise when she took it out.the outfit) from Newark, NJ, who, despite only having Metal Hammer has very strict rules about what girls acouple of single releases in this country, are starting can and cannot stick into its various orifices and this should definitely be a no-no. Gerard and the rest of themuch for their own safety, then they do about their fans. band are sitting around sharing coffee, beers and soft They walk out on stage to hand out bottles of water to drinks, waiting for their Manchester Hop And Grape show the people at the front and regularly douse the ones who soundcheck this evening and telling us all about how they look like they need it. They also try to protect their fans are beginning to take off in this country-while swapping from the carnage on stage if they get up there. It's Metal gig injury stories. Gerard reckons it would have been cool Hammers view that moshing is a good thing because it in a way to have lost his eye, saying: "Can you imagine gives people the chance to have catharsis and get the how cool it would be to wear an eyepatch on stage?" to cause a huge stir over here. And if they don't care violence out that is in us all without hurting anyone else You'd be the screamo Bluebeard!", adds taciturr drummer Matt Pelissier. All of the band have horror stories in this country under the age of 40 was made to go to one to tell when it comes to playing live and, watching thepunk or screamo gig a week then football violence would powerhouse performance that they put on, you can't help probably die out overnight. But Gerard still thinks there's but feel they should take out a hell of a lot more personal anegative element to it sometimes, saying: "Some of it injury insurance. "Frank [Iero] hit me in the face with the is macho bullshit. Some of the nu metal acts were just head of his guitar one night and it was bleeding so much encouraging violence for violence's sake. It gives punk that my entire face was covered in blood," says Ray Toro, rck a bad name and it makes it harder for the kids. Their the Afro-haired guitarist. "It was like a mask of blood." parents aren't going to let them go and watch bands if (usually). In fact, we'd go so far as to say that if everyone "We're a really physical band on stage," adds Gerard.they go and get the shit kicked out of them." "I slipped a couple of discs in my back on tour. Frank hasThe Garage is heaving hours before the gig even starts broken his wrist. We've all been hurt." It was the gig the night before when we first met up with the five-piece (Gerard's brother Mikey plays bass in and people keep on coming up to Gerard in the pub beforehand. He's nearly mobbed at one point by two girls coming out of McDonald's. "Oh! My! God!" says "We've all been hurt GERARD ON SOME OF THE NOT-SO-MUCH-PERKS OF THE JOB mcrscans.tumblr.com METALHAMMERCOUK 39 VEHICLES AND CONTENTS ARE LEFT ENTIRELY AT OWNERS RISK MCR'S WARM-UP YOGA one with hermouth full of Curly Wurly McFlurry "My! Chemical! Romance! for a quick pint. Now Gerard's got over the fear of nearly becoming a rocknrolcyclops, he can explain the genesis. And you can see why they're starting to attract this of their strange name. "The name is taken from an Irvine kind of attention when the gig kicks off. Within seconds Welsh book. Me and Mikey were looking at a copy of Ecstasy, of the first song, Gerard is in the crowd, screaming and thrashing like a younger, better-looking Casey Chaos. Their music is reminiscent of other emo/post-hardcoreChemical Romance mean so much on so many different bands such as Funeral For A Friend and Hundred Reasons, levels. It seemed to be the only way to describe the music. but they have a scruffier, punkier edge, which comes fromAnd in another way, Trainspotting is generally set in this the fact that they're all massive fans of Black Flag. and on the inside it said, Three tales of chemical romance." The de facto leader of the group adds: "Well, the words area with people getting caught up in a scene and a vibe The band, it has to be said, as nice as they are, don't appear to be very rock'n'roll. Hammer groans inwardly when it gets on the tour bus, as the two DVDs that are out on show are Dungeons & Dragons, the cartoon, and a stop-motion animation of Wind In The Willows. Nearly all the band go straight to bed, leaving Hammer Matt, who looks like he would sooner be pulling his own up with just Matt and the drummers from Hondo Macleanteeth out with pliers than being interviewed, perks up and The Bled, drinking Stella, listening to Refused and slightly and says, "Newark is in the State of New Jersey, talking about hi-hats. C-c-c-call the cops! where there's a lot of drugs about and that resonated with us because of all the stuff we had to fight through to become a band. The strange thing is that when you watch the movie with the drug addiction and murder, it evern looks like Newark, where we come from!" a few hours outside of New York. It's a complete goddamn The next day, when Hammer has unstuck its tonguewasteland. It's been shut down for about 20 years. It from the floor and tried to rub its aching pancreas better, we look for the band, but apparently they all got up What does it smell of?" we ask. to go sightseeing around Manchester at 5.30 this morning. "Dead bodies", he replies nonchalantly. 5.30am? That was only half an hour after Hammer went to bed! Later, after a lot of fannying about with gaffa tape says, "and during that period I was using substances and hairspray, the band finally say theyre ready to go out to overcome other substances. smells godawful." "Also, at the time I was drinking severely," Gerard "I could feel her finger in my eye... I thought my eyeball had burst" NO, ITS NOT A WEIRD GROUPIE STORY mcrscans.tumblr.com 40 METRIHAMMERCOUK "Id had a really bad year before the band and that helped me get out of it. My art career had gone down the like he could have stepped straight out of Flock Of shitter, 9/11 had just happened. I was quite close to that Seagulls, Gerard is a goth-rock marauder with raven- at the time and it affected me in a very bad way. I became black hair, torn black clothing and aviator shades, and like a hermit and just started drinking all the time and Matt, with his backwards cap and goatee beard, looks I didn't want to do anything with my life. And drinking like he's ready to walk on stage filling in for Metallica. and not doing anything else is the worst thing you can Frank is the most 'modern-looking guy in the band do in terms of depression. I had to go and see a therapist with his punctured face, gun and heart tattoos, and for the first time ever and she put me on antidepressants. asymmetrical haircut. Suddenly all their disparate looks But it wasn'tthe counselling or the drugs, it was the band gel and they look like a band should: a band of brothers. that got me out of my depression. I had a purpose again." "In this life you gotta do what you gotta do!" yells with his MC5/Mars Volta 'fro, the rake-thin Mikey looks All of the band have had similar experiences. "I think Gerard before pausing and adding, "And if that means you'll find none of us was the cool kid at school," offers doing a line of coke and getting a blow job, then that's Frank. "I felt like I never fitted in when I was younger and what you gotta do!" I think depression is a normal thing that happens in thatHammer ain't gonna argue, and by the end of the show situation. So a lot of those emotions go into our songs. there have been more members of the audience running We keep it in check now. Sometimes I go a little bit off the across the stage and diving off than those who haven't. rails but we keep each other in check. There's always beer After dragging Frank off for a quick curry in nearby around when you're on tour. You're more likely to get beer Rusholme, just to prove that all English food isn't shit, tickets than meal tickets." we rejoin the others in Manchester's premier rock bar, The reason that bands drink so much on tour is because Big Hands, where a dizzying array of beers are drunk of all of the downtime there is to kil. Matt, who doesnt by the band, and by the swelling ranks of girls who want drink that often, says: You'll get kids who are desperate to drink with them. to come backstage and when they run into the dressingWe leave them at about 3am, cavorting on the streets of room there will be, like, one guy asleep, two having a chat, Manchester, singing note-perfect impressions of English one watching the TV and another smoking a cigarettebands while dreaming about world domination. they always look so depressed, like they've walked into the wrong room. Why? You feel like saying, Look, you'd be having a better time if you were out at the bar." Frank agrees: The hour you're on stage and meeting the kids afterwards is what it's all about. It is the 22.5 GERARD WOULD NEVER LET ANYONE INTO HIS SACRED CRYPT hours of the day which is boring when you're on tour." But if last night's gig was incendiary, tonight's is certifiably cooler. Ray looks like a 1960s urban guerrilla If 'DUDE, WHERE'S MY EYE?" mcrscans.tumblr.com METALHAMM ERCOUK 41 mcrscans: My Chemical Romance (UK tour special, 2004) article for Metal Hammer Special, 2013 by John Doran, photography by John McMurtrie.
dungeons: 0
 IN MID-2004, WITH THE GLOBAL DOMINATION THAT WAS TO COME
 JUST A MURMUR ON THE HORIZON, WE FOLLOWED MCR AROUND
 THE UK FOR ONE OF THEIR VERY FIRST METAL HAMMER FEATURES
 WORDS: JOHN DORAN PHOTOS: JOHN McMURTRIE
 mcrscans.tumblr.com
 G-
 prepared for the accident that was to happen tonight at
 premier sauna-cum-venue, The Garage. During
 erard Way had been having
 premonitions that he was going
 to be blinded for months. The lead an eviscerating performance, Gerard throws himself
 singer of My Chemical Romancetoward the crowd just as one particularly lust-crazed
 kept on seeing it happen in
 dreams and each time he would
 young woman thrusts her arms up to touch him.
 Gerard, now wearing onyx-black shades, takes up the
 story: "I head-banged into her finger and it went right in
 my eye. It was the weirdest feeling. It was painful but the
 worst thing was how weird it was. I could feel her finger
 in my eye and all this really warm fluid running down
 my face. I thought my eyeball had burst and I just kept
 on thinking about the dreams I'd been having about
 wake up in a cold sweat, shaking. So he was almost
 going blind. I was like, 'Dude, I've lost this left eye:
 But the finger was right back into my socket around
 the eyeball where all the tendons and shit are. It made
 LEAP OF FAITH: THE
 MCRMY PILE IN
 ANK GENUFLECTS AT
 HE ALTAR OF SCREAM
 38 METLHAMNERCOUK

 THE BROTHERS
 WAY: DIVVENT MESS
 garage RISTOR
 music
 "DOESTHE NUMBER 30
 GO FROM HERE MATE?"
 a really weird slurping noise when she took it out.the outfit) from Newark, NJ, who, despite only having
 Metal Hammer has very strict rules about what girls acouple of single releases in this country, are starting
 can and cannot stick into its various orifices and this
 should definitely be a no-no. Gerard and the rest of themuch for their own safety, then they do about their fans.
 band are sitting around sharing coffee, beers and soft They walk out on stage to hand out bottles of water to
 drinks, waiting for their Manchester Hop And Grape show the people at the front and regularly douse the ones who
 soundcheck this evening and telling us all about how they look like they need it. They also try to protect their fans
 are beginning to take off in this country-while swapping from the carnage on stage if they get up there. It's Metal
 gig injury stories. Gerard reckons it would have been cool Hammers view that moshing is a good thing because it
 in a way to have lost his eye, saying: "Can you imagine gives people the chance to have catharsis and get the
 how cool it would be to wear an eyepatch on stage?"
 to cause a huge stir over here. And if they don't care
 violence out that is in us all without hurting anyone else
 You'd be the screamo Bluebeard!", adds taciturr
 drummer Matt Pelissier. All of the band have horror stories in this country under the age of 40 was made to go to one
 to tell when it comes to playing live and, watching thepunk or screamo gig a week then football violence would
 powerhouse performance that they put on, you can't help probably die out overnight. But Gerard still thinks there's
 but feel they should take out a hell of a lot more personal anegative element to it sometimes, saying: "Some of it
 injury insurance. "Frank [Iero] hit me in the face with the is macho bullshit. Some of the nu metal acts were just
 head of his guitar one night and it was bleeding so much encouraging violence for violence's sake. It gives punk
 that my entire face was covered in blood," says Ray Toro, rck a bad name and it makes it harder for the kids. Their
 the Afro-haired guitarist. "It was like a mask of blood." parents aren't going to let them go and watch bands if
 (usually). In fact, we'd go so far as to say that if everyone
 "We're a really physical band on stage," adds Gerard.they go and get the shit kicked out of them."
 "I slipped a couple of discs in my back on tour. Frank hasThe Garage is heaving hours before the gig even starts
 broken his wrist. We've all been hurt."
 It was the gig the night before when we first met up
 with the five-piece (Gerard's brother Mikey plays bass in
 and people keep on coming up to Gerard in the pub
 beforehand. He's nearly mobbed at one point by two
 girls coming out of McDonald's. "Oh! My! God!" says
 "We've all been hurt
 GERARD ON SOME OF THE NOT-SO-MUCH-PERKS OF THE JOB
 mcrscans.tumblr.com
 METALHAMMERCOUK 39

 VEHICLES AND
 CONTENTS
 ARE LEFT
 ENTIRELY AT
 OWNERS RISK
 MCR'S
 WARM-UP YOGA
 one with hermouth full of Curly Wurly McFlurry "My!
 Chemical! Romance!
 for a quick pint. Now Gerard's got over the fear of nearly
 becoming a rocknrolcyclops, he can explain the genesis.
 And you can see why they're starting to attract this
 of their strange name. "The name is taken from an Irvine
 kind of attention when the gig kicks off. Within seconds Welsh book. Me and Mikey were looking at a copy of Ecstasy,
 of the first song, Gerard is in the crowd, screaming and
 thrashing like a younger, better-looking Casey Chaos.
 Their music is reminiscent of other emo/post-hardcoreChemical Romance mean so much on so many different
 bands such as Funeral For A Friend and Hundred Reasons, levels. It seemed to be the only way to describe the music.
 but they have a scruffier, punkier edge, which comes fromAnd in another way, Trainspotting is generally set in this
 the fact that they're all massive fans of Black Flag.
 and on the inside it said, Three tales of chemical romance."
 The de facto leader of the group adds: "Well, the words
 area with people getting caught up in a scene and a vibe
 The band, it has to be said, as nice as they are, don't
 appear to be very rock'n'roll. Hammer groans inwardly
 when it gets on the tour bus, as the two DVDs that are
 out on show are Dungeons & Dragons, the cartoon,
 and a stop-motion animation of Wind In The Willows.
 Nearly all the band go straight to bed, leaving Hammer Matt, who looks like he would sooner be pulling his own
 up with just Matt and the drummers from Hondo Macleanteeth out with pliers than being interviewed, perks up
 and The Bled, drinking Stella, listening to Refused and slightly and says, "Newark is in the State of New Jersey,
 talking about hi-hats. C-c-c-call the cops!
 where there's a lot of drugs about and that resonated
 with us because of all the stuff we had to fight through to
 become a band. The strange thing is that when you watch
 the movie with the drug addiction and murder, it evern
 looks like Newark, where we come from!"
 a few hours outside of New York. It's a complete goddamn
 The next day, when Hammer has unstuck its tonguewasteland. It's been shut down for about 20 years. It
 from the floor and tried to rub its aching pancreas
 better, we look for the band, but apparently they all got up What does it smell of?" we ask.
 to go sightseeing around Manchester at 5.30 this morning. "Dead bodies", he replies nonchalantly.
 5.30am? That was only half an hour after Hammer went
 to bed! Later, after a lot of fannying about with gaffa tape says, "and during that period I was using substances
 and hairspray, the band finally say theyre ready to go out to overcome other substances.
 smells godawful."
 "Also, at the time I was drinking severely," Gerard
 "I could feel her finger in my eye...
 I thought my eyeball had burst"
 NO, ITS NOT A WEIRD GROUPIE STORY
 mcrscans.tumblr.com
 40 METRIHAMMERCOUK

 "Id had a really bad year before the band and that
 helped me get out of it. My art career had gone down the like he could have stepped straight out of Flock Of
 shitter, 9/11 had just happened. I was quite close to that Seagulls, Gerard is a goth-rock marauder with raven-
 at the time and it affected me in a very bad way. I became black hair, torn black clothing and aviator shades, and
 like a hermit and just started drinking all the time and Matt, with his backwards cap and goatee beard, looks
 I didn't want to do anything with my life. And drinking like he's ready to walk on stage filling in for Metallica.
 and not doing anything else is the worst thing you can Frank is the most 'modern-looking guy in the band
 do in terms of depression. I had to go and see a therapist with his punctured face, gun and heart tattoos, and
 for the first time ever and she put me on antidepressants. asymmetrical haircut. Suddenly all their disparate looks
 But it wasn'tthe counselling or the drugs, it was the band gel and they look like a band should: a band of brothers.
 that got me out of my depression. I had a purpose again." "In this life you gotta do what you gotta do!" yells
 with his MC5/Mars Volta 'fro, the rake-thin Mikey looks
 All of the band have had similar experiences. "I think Gerard before pausing and adding, "And if that means
 you'll find none of us was the cool kid at school," offers doing a line of coke and getting a blow job, then that's
 Frank. "I felt like I never fitted in when I was younger and what you gotta do!"
 I think depression is a normal thing that happens in thatHammer ain't gonna argue, and by the end of the show
 situation. So a lot of those emotions go into our songs. there have been more members of the audience running
 We keep it in check now. Sometimes I go a little bit off the across the stage and diving off than those who haven't.
 rails but we keep each other in check. There's always beer After dragging Frank off for a quick curry in nearby
 around when you're on tour. You're more likely to get beer Rusholme, just to prove that all English food isn't shit,
 tickets than meal tickets."
 we rejoin the others in Manchester's premier rock bar,
 The reason that bands drink so much on tour is because Big Hands, where a dizzying array of beers are drunk
 of all of the downtime there is to kil. Matt, who doesnt by the band, and by the swelling ranks of girls who want
 drink that often, says: You'll get kids who are desperate to drink with them.
 to come backstage and when they run into the dressingWe leave them at about 3am, cavorting on the streets of
 room there will be, like, one guy asleep, two having a chat, Manchester, singing note-perfect impressions of English
 one watching the TV and another smoking a cigarettebands while dreaming about world domination.
 they always look so depressed, like they've walked into
 the wrong room. Why? You feel like saying, Look, you'd be
 having a better time if you were out at the bar."
 Frank agrees: The hour you're on stage and meeting
 the kids afterwards is what it's all about. It is the 22.5
 GERARD WOULD
 NEVER LET
 ANYONE INTO
 HIS SACRED
 CRYPT
 hours of the day which is boring when you're on tour."
 But if last night's gig was incendiary, tonight's is
 certifiably cooler. Ray looks like a 1960s urban guerrilla
 If
 'DUDE, WHERE'S MY EYE?"
 mcrscans.tumblr.com
 METALHAMM
 ERCOUK 41
mcrscans:

My Chemical Romance (UK tour special, 2004) article for Metal Hammer Special, 2013 by John Doran, photography by John McMurtrie.

mcrscans: My Chemical Romance (UK tour special, 2004) article for Metal Hammer Special, 2013 by John Doran, photography by John McMurtrie.