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Confused, Dad, and Facebook: Man okay when I got my wisdom teeth out it was a fucking experience. Before the surgery wasn't too interesting but as soon as I woke up I saw the nurse next to me and was all like "hey... i think... i died... and now I'm in a parallel universe... and i gotta go back to my house and kill the me from this universe" and he was just kinda like "alright, you do that". And then the other nurse kept going in and out of the room to get things and I thought there was like 5 of her that kept coming out of the room, and then so when she was wheeling me out in a wheelchair I was like "damn... why are there so many of you... there's like 5 many of you" and she was just kinda like "alright, you do that". Anyway I got to the car and my dad was there and he was like "how ya feeling son" in the dadliest way possible and I was like "MAN I AM PUMPED LETS GET SOME JUICE I'M STARVED" so we drove about 3 blocks to a jamba juice, whereupon I say "I'm good I can do this" and run/drunkstumble 30 feet to the door.I burst in the door like a viking returning from some fucking battle and holler "WHATS UP FUCKS" to everyone in the store, which was thankfully just the 2 people behind the counter, who looked probably as scared/confused as a jamba juice employee could look So anyway, as my dad explained the situation I looked up at the jamba juice menu and was utterly fucking lost in it. Like I swear I was looking at this menu board for a year, deciphering this Rosetta stone of fruits.I distinctly remember that I was looking at each item in a smoothie, thinking of how it tasted then moving on to the next thing and thinking of how that tasted, and how they would taste together. Since most smoothies had 3 or 4 items, this took some thinking. So my dad sees me in this extreme brain blast state of mind and says "hey are you going to order or what". Keep in mind I'm on the first fucking smoothie on the list here. So I just say "shush man I'm trying to do fruit science", and then when I realized that this process could take literal years, I just said yeah give me a smooth regular" which for the uninitiated, isn't actually a real thing on any menu. Oh, also I asked them if the "boosted smoothies would give me super powers and then pointed my fingers at them and made "lightning noises". So my dad just orders me the first thing on the menu and I go to sit down and stare out the window or some shit and my thoroughly amused dad just looks at me and says "how ya feelin?". Now at this time I was feeling a lot of things, but most noticeable to me was the gauze in my mouth, so I just look at him and say there's these fuckin... tiny sheep in my head" which at the time was the best way I had to convey this feeling. Anyway about that time, the jamba juice guy brings us our drinks and he gives me a small thing of mario kart stickers and I swear I almost cried from the tsunami of emotion that gift made me feel (I still have them) Anyway the rest of the story is we drove home and I explained this programming project I was working on to my dad in perfect detail somehow and then I came home and went on facebook and posted a comment on my friends status (because I couldn't find the status update bar) that read: just took a lort of painkillers and yelled at everyone in a jambo juice" This may be the funniest thing I have ever read There are actual tears coming out of my face More awesome pics at FUNsubstance.com
Confused, Dad, and Facebook: Man okay when I got my wisdom teeth out it
 was a fucking experience. Before the surgery
 wasn't too interesting but as soon as I woke up I
 saw the nurse next to me and was all like
 "hey... i think... i died... and now I'm in a
 parallel universe... and i gotta go back to my
 house and kill the me from this universe" and he
 was just kinda like "alright, you do that". And
 then the other nurse kept going in and out of the
 room to get things and I thought there was like
 5 of her that kept coming out of the room, and
 then so when she was wheeling me out in a
 wheelchair I was like "damn... why are there so
 many of you... there's like 5 many of you" and
 she was just kinda like "alright, you do that".
 Anyway I got to the car and my dad was there
 and he was like "how ya feeling son" in the
 dadliest way possible and I was like "MAN I AM
 PUMPED LETS GET SOME JUICE I'M
 STARVED" so we drove about 3 blocks to a
 jamba juice, whereupon I say "I'm good I can do
 this" and run/drunkstumble 30 feet to the door.I
 burst in the door like a viking returning from
 some fucking battle and holler "WHATS UP
 FUCKS" to everyone in the store, which was
 thankfully just the 2 people behind the counter,
 who looked probably as scared/confused as a
 jamba juice employee could look
 So anyway, as my dad explained the situation I
 looked up at the jamba juice menu and was
 utterly fucking lost in it. Like I swear I was
 looking at this menu board for a year,
 deciphering this Rosetta stone of fruits.I
 distinctly remember that I was looking at each
 item in a smoothie, thinking of how it tasted
 then moving on to the next thing and thinking of
 how that tasted, and how they would taste
 together. Since most smoothies had 3 or 4
 items, this took some thinking. So my dad sees
 me in this extreme brain blast state of mind and
 says "hey are you going to order or what". Keep
 in mind I'm on the first fucking smoothie on the
 list here. So I just say "shush man I'm trying to
 do fruit science", and then when I realized that
 this process could take literal years, I just said
 yeah give me a smooth regular" which for the
 uninitiated, isn't actually a real thing on any
 menu. Oh, also I asked them if the "boosted
 smoothies would give me super powers and
 then pointed my fingers at them and made
 "lightning noises".
 So my dad just orders me the first thing on the
 menu and I go to sit down and stare out the
 window or some shit and my thoroughly
 amused dad just looks at me and says "how ya
 feelin?". Now at this time I was feeling a lot of
 things, but most noticeable to me was the
 gauze in my mouth, so I just look at him and say
 there's these fuckin... tiny sheep in my head"
 which at the time was the best way I had to
 convey this feeling. Anyway about that time, the
 jamba juice guy brings us our drinks and he
 gives me a small thing of mario kart stickers
 and I swear I almost cried from the tsunami of
 emotion that gift made me feel (I still have
 them)
 Anyway the rest of the story is we drove home
 and I explained this programming project I was
 working on to my dad in perfect detail somehow
 and then I came home and went on facebook
 and posted a comment on my friends status
 (because I couldn't find the status update bar)
 that read: just took a lort of painkillers and
 yelled at everyone in a jambo juice"
 This may be the funniest thing I have ever read
 There are actual tears coming out of my face
 More awesome pics at FUNsubstance.com
Confused, Dad, and Facebook: Man okay when I got my wisdom teeth out it was a fucking experience. Before the surgery wasn't too interesting but as soon as I woke up I saw the nurse next to me and was all like "hey... i think... i died... and now I'm in a parallel universe... and i gotta go back to my house and kill the me from this universe" and he was just kinda like "alright, you do that". And then the other nurse kept going in and out of the room to get things and I thought there was like 5 of her that kept coming out of the room, and then so when she was wheeling me out in a wheelchair I was like "damn... why are there so many of you... there's like 5 many of you" and she was just kinda like "alright, you do that". Anyway I got to the car and my dad was there and he was like "how ya feeling son" in the dadliest way possible and I was like "MAN I AM PUMPED LETS GET SOME JUICE I'M STARVED" so we drove about 3 blocks to a jamba juice, whereupon I say "I'm good I can do this" and run/drunkstumble 30 feet to the door.I burst in the door like a viking returning from some fucking battle and holler "WHATS UP FUCKS" to everyone in the store, which was thankfully just the 2 people behind the counter, who looked probably as scared/confused as a jamba juice employee could look So anyway, as my dad explained the situation I looked up at the jamba juice menu and was utterly fucking lost in it. Like I swear I was looking at this menu board for a year, deciphering this Rosetta stone of fruits.I distinctly remember that I was looking at each item in a smoothie, thinking of how it tasted then moving on to the next thing and thinking of how that tasted, and how they would taste together. Since most smoothies had 3 or 4 items, this took some thinking. So my dad sees me in this extreme brain blast state of mind and says "hey are you going to order or what". Keep in mind I'm on the first fucking smoothie on the list here. So I just say "shush man I'm trying to do fruit science", and then when I realized that this process could take literal years, I just said yeah give me a smooth regular" which for the uninitiated, isn't actually a real thing on any menu. Oh, also I asked them if the "boosted smoothies would give me super powers and then pointed my fingers at them and made "lightning noises". So my dad just orders me the first thing on the menu and I go to sit down and stare out the window or some shit and my thoroughly amused dad just looks at me and says "how ya feelin?". Now at this time I was feeling a lot of things, but most noticeable to me was the gauze in my mouth, so I just look at him and say there's these fuckin... tiny sheep in my head" which at the time was the best way I had to convey this feeling. Anyway about that time, the jamba juice guy brings us our drinks and he gives me a small thing of mario kart stickers and I swear I almost cried from the tsunami of emotion that gift made me feel (I still have them) Anyway the rest of the story is we drove home and I explained this programming project I was working on to my dad in perfect detail somehow and then I came home and went on facebook and posted a comment on my friends status (because I couldn't find the status update bar) that read: just took a lort of painkillers and yelled at everyone in a jambo juice" This may be the funniest thing I have ever read There are actual tears coming out of my face More awesome pics at FUNsubstance.com
Confused, Dad, and Facebook: Man okay when I got my wisdom teeth out it
 was a fucking experience. Before the surgery
 wasn't too interesting but as soon as I woke up I
 saw the nurse next to me and was all like
 "hey... i think... i died... and now I'm in a
 parallel universe... and i gotta go back to my
 house and kill the me from this universe" and he
 was just kinda like "alright, you do that". And
 then the other nurse kept going in and out of the
 room to get things and I thought there was like
 5 of her that kept coming out of the room, and
 then so when she was wheeling me out in a
 wheelchair I was like "damn... why are there so
 many of you... there's like 5 many of you" and
 she was just kinda like "alright, you do that".
 Anyway I got to the car and my dad was there
 and he was like "how ya feeling son" in the
 dadliest way possible and I was like "MAN I AM
 PUMPED LETS GET SOME JUICE I'M
 STARVED" so we drove about 3 blocks to a
 jamba juice, whereupon I say "I'm good I can do
 this" and run/drunkstumble 30 feet to the door.I
 burst in the door like a viking returning from
 some fucking battle and holler "WHATS UP
 FUCKS" to everyone in the store, which was
 thankfully just the 2 people behind the counter,
 who looked probably as scared/confused as a
 jamba juice employee could look
 So anyway, as my dad explained the situation I
 looked up at the jamba juice menu and was
 utterly fucking lost in it. Like I swear I was
 looking at this menu board for a year,
 deciphering this Rosetta stone of fruits.I
 distinctly remember that I was looking at each
 item in a smoothie, thinking of how it tasted
 then moving on to the next thing and thinking of
 how that tasted, and how they would taste
 together. Since most smoothies had 3 or 4
 items, this took some thinking. So my dad sees
 me in this extreme brain blast state of mind and
 says "hey are you going to order or what". Keep
 in mind I'm on the first fucking smoothie on the
 list here. So I just say "shush man I'm trying to
 do fruit science", and then when I realized that
 this process could take literal years, I just said
 yeah give me a smooth regular" which for the
 uninitiated, isn't actually a real thing on any
 menu. Oh, also I asked them if the "boosted
 smoothies would give me super powers and
 then pointed my fingers at them and made
 "lightning noises".
 So my dad just orders me the first thing on the
 menu and I go to sit down and stare out the
 window or some shit and my thoroughly
 amused dad just looks at me and says "how ya
 feelin?". Now at this time I was feeling a lot of
 things, but most noticeable to me was the
 gauze in my mouth, so I just look at him and say
 there's these fuckin... tiny sheep in my head"
 which at the time was the best way I had to
 convey this feeling. Anyway about that time, the
 jamba juice guy brings us our drinks and he
 gives me a small thing of mario kart stickers
 and I swear I almost cried from the tsunami of
 emotion that gift made me feel (I still have
 them)
 Anyway the rest of the story is we drove home
 and I explained this programming project I was
 working on to my dad in perfect detail somehow
 and then I came home and went on facebook
 and posted a comment on my friends status
 (because I couldn't find the status update bar)
 that read: just took a lort of painkillers and
 yelled at everyone in a jambo juice"
 This may be the funniest thing I have ever read
 There are actual tears coming out of my face
 More awesome pics at FUNsubstance.com
Gif, Lol, and Love: thisbibliomaniac: caitallolovesyou: bigboomer101: totallynotzelda: skeleton-zone-192000: officialfist: newkidsonmycock31: assbaka: scottbaiowulf: punchsportsandpunchlines: jovan: babydreamgirl: zodiacbaby: uvsunglassesfordogs: did you know that before they decided on a cgi baby for the twilight movie they had planned to use this ANIMATRONIC baby feel like this also begs the question: why did the people who were in charge of this consider two alternatives for this character instead of just, like, a real human baby. i can’t imagine you couldn’t just nab some newborn off a crew member or friend … I want to die!!!! this is the funniest post I’ve seen on tumblr in forever I have never seen these movies in their entirety and was unaware there was a cgi baby in it so I am posting this gif of a scene I discovered was genuinely used in the movie twilight unironically Is that when the werewolf falls in love with the baby Because that was a thing, the werewolf falls in love with the baby β€œOh I wasn’t in love with YOU! I was in love with the baby inside of you all along.” Because that’s a regular thing to write, STEPHANIE. MEYER. can you blame him i mean that is one hot baby SO THATS WHERE IT COMES FROM IVE BEEN USING FOR YEARS I NEVER KNEW IT WAS FROM TWILIGHT HAHAHAHAHAHA what the fuck reason why they didn’t use a real baby: who would trust vampires and werewolves with their child? They say that the crew who made her had lost the animatronic and that she is still out there. Aparently some of the crew members are afraid to find her again This was a weird and wild ride from start to finish. I, for one, hope that animatronic is in Hell where it belongs. lol @dangerously-human @jayykesley
Gif, Lol, and Love: thisbibliomaniac:
caitallolovesyou:

bigboomer101:

totallynotzelda:

skeleton-zone-192000:

officialfist:

newkidsonmycock31:

assbaka:

scottbaiowulf:


punchsportsandpunchlines:

jovan:

babydreamgirl:

zodiacbaby:

uvsunglassesfordogs:

did you know that before they decided on a cgi baby for the twilight movie they had planned to use this ANIMATRONIC baby
feel like this also begs the question: why did the people who were in charge of this consider two alternatives for this character instead of just, like, a real human baby. i can’t imagine you couldn’t just nab some newborn off a crew member or friend

…

I want to die!!!!

this is the funniest post I’ve seen on tumblr in forever


I have never seen these movies in their entirety and was unaware there was a cgi baby in it so I am posting this gif of a scene I discovered was genuinely used in the movie twilight unironically

Is that when the werewolf falls in love with the baby
Because that was a thing, the werewolf falls in love with the baby


β€œOh I wasn’t in love with YOU! I was in love with the baby inside of you all along.” Because that’s a regular thing to write, STEPHANIE. MEYER. 

can you blame him i mean that is one hot baby


SO THATS WHERE IT COMES FROM IVE BEEN USING 
FOR YEARS I NEVER KNEW IT WAS FROM TWILIGHT HAHAHAHAHAHA

what the fuck

reason why they didn’t use a real baby: who would trust vampires and werewolves with their child?


They say that the crew who made her had lost the animatronic and that she is still out there. Aparently some of the crew members are afraid to find her again

This was a weird and wild ride from start to finish.
I, for one, hope that animatronic is in Hell where it belongs. lol


@dangerously-human @jayykesley

thisbibliomaniac: caitallolovesyou: bigboomer101: totallynotzelda: skeleton-zone-192000: officialfist: newkidsonmycock31: assbaka: sc...

Ass, Fucking, and Head: I had to read this at work today and it's the funniest thing ever a theblessedone TO ALL EMPLOYEES It has been brought to the managements attention that some individuals have been using foul language in the course of normal conversation between employees. Due to complaints from some of the easily offended workers, this conduct will no longer be tolerated The management does, however, realise the importance of each person being able to properly express their feelings when communicating with their fellow employees. Therefore, the management has compiled the following code phrases so that the proper exchange of ideas and information can continue OLD PHRASE NEW PHRASE No fucking way You've got to be shitting me Tel someone who gives a fuck Ask me if I give a fuck It's not my fucking problem I'm not certain that's feasible Really ps you should check with sname> Of course I'm concerned Iwasn't involved in that project Interesting behaviour What the fuck? FΓΌck it, it won't work.. Why the fuck didn't you tell me that sooner'll ty to schedule that When the fuck do you expect me to do this ?...Perhaps I can work late. 'm not sure I can implement this Who the fuck cares? Are you sure it's a problem? He's got his head up his ass Eat shit.. Eat shit and die Eat shit and die, motherfucker. What the fuck do they want from my lfe? He's not familiar with the problem. You don't say Excuse me? Excuse me, <sir or ma'am>? They werent happy with t? Kiss my ass. Fuck it, I'm on salary So you'd like my help with that?
Ass, Fucking, and Head: I had to read this at work today and it's
 the funniest thing ever
 a theblessedone
 TO ALL EMPLOYEES
 It has been brought to the managements attention that some individuals have been using foul language in
 the course of normal conversation between employees. Due to complaints from some of the easily
 offended workers, this conduct will no longer be tolerated
 The management does, however, realise the importance of each person being able to properly express
 their feelings when communicating with their fellow employees. Therefore, the management has compiled
 the following code phrases so that the proper exchange of ideas and information can continue
 OLD PHRASE
 NEW PHRASE
 No fucking way
 You've got to be shitting me
 Tel someone who gives a fuck
 Ask me if I give a fuck
 It's not my fucking problem
 I'm not certain that's feasible
 Really
 ps you should check with sname>
 Of course I'm concerned
 Iwasn't involved in that project
 Interesting behaviour
 What the fuck?
 FΓΌck it, it won't work..
 Why the fuck didn't you tell me that sooner'll ty to schedule that
 When the fuck do you expect me to do this ?...Perhaps I can work late.
 'm not sure I can implement this
 Who the fuck cares?
 Are you sure it's a problem?
 He's got his head up his ass
 Eat shit..
 Eat shit and die
 Eat shit and die, motherfucker.
 What the fuck do they want from my lfe?
 He's not familiar with the problem.
 You don't say
 Excuse me?
 Excuse me, <sir or ma'am>?
 They werent happy with t?
 Kiss my ass.
 Fuck it, I'm on salary
 So you'd like my help with that?
Ass, Fucking, and Head: I had to read this at work today and it's the funniest thing ever a theblessedone TO ALL EMPLOYEES It has been brought to the managements attention that some individuals have been using foul language in the course of normal conversation between employees. Due to complaints from some of the easily offended workers, this conduct will no longer be tolerated The management does, however, realise the importance of each person being able to properly express their feelings when communicating with their fellow employees. Therefore, the management has compiled the following code phrases so that the proper exchange of ideas and information can continue OLD PHRASE NEW PHRASE No fucking way You've got to be shitting me Tel someone who gives a fuck Ask me if I give a fuck It's not my fucking problem I'm not certain that's feasible Really ps you should check with sname> Of course I'm concerned Iwasn't involved in that project Interesting behaviour What the fuck? FΓΌck it, it won't work.. Why the fuck didn't you tell me that sooner'll ty to schedule that When the fuck do you expect me to do this ?...Perhaps I can work late. 'm not sure I can implement this Who the fuck cares? Are you sure it's a problem? He's got his head up his ass Eat shit.. Eat shit and die Eat shit and die, motherfucker. What the fuck do they want from my lfe? He's not familiar with the problem. You don't say Excuse me? Excuse me, <sir or ma'am>? They werent happy with t? Kiss my ass. Fuck it, I'm on salary So you'd like my help with that?
Ass, Fucking, and Head: I had to read this at work today and it's
 the funniest thing ever
 a theblessedone
 TO ALL EMPLOYEES
 It has been brought to the managements attention that some individuals have been using foul language in
 the course of normal conversation between employees. Due to complaints from some of the easily
 offended workers, this conduct will no longer be tolerated
 The management does, however, realise the importance of each person being able to properly express
 their feelings when communicating with their fellow employees. Therefore, the management has compiled
 the following code phrases so that the proper exchange of ideas and information can continue
 OLD PHRASE
 NEW PHRASE
 No fucking way
 You've got to be shitting me
 Tel someone who gives a fuck
 Ask me if I give a fuck
 It's not my fucking problem
 I'm not certain that's feasible
 Really
 ps you should check with sname>
 Of course I'm concerned
 Iwasn't involved in that project
 Interesting behaviour
 What the fuck?
 FΓΌck it, it won't work..
 Why the fuck didn't you tell me that sooner'll ty to schedule that
 When the fuck do you expect me to do this ?...Perhaps I can work late.
 'm not sure I can implement this
 Who the fuck cares?
 Are you sure it's a problem?
 He's got his head up his ass
 Eat shit..
 Eat shit and die
 Eat shit and die, motherfucker.
 What the fuck do they want from my lfe?
 He's not familiar with the problem.
 You don't say
 Excuse me?
 Excuse me, <sir or ma'am>?
 They werent happy with t?
 Kiss my ass.
 Fuck it, I'm on salary
 So you'd like my help with that?
Alive, America, and Beautiful: Keaton Patti @KeatonPatti I forced a bot to watch over 1,000 hours of Trump rallies and then asked it to write a Trump rally of its own. Here is the first page TRUMP RALLY INT BIG ARBY S IN SOUTH WYOMKLAHOMA PRESIDENT TRUMP forces himself on a podium PRESIDENT TRUME I just had a phone call with the economy. Jobs poured out of the phone. Great jobs. Tall jobs. Steve Jobs. All at Kinko' s The crowd cheers. It is full of real Americans (man with hard hat, man with harder hat, gun that is alive PRESIDENT TRUMP (CONT D) The United Snakes is doing so good. other countries are on fire. All the people on fire. Hot fire too. Not us. Our flag is so beautiful President Trump salutes a flag that says: ARBY'S FOOD IS FINE TO EAT. The crowd howls. They love this flag of America PRESIDENT TRUMP (CONT D) I signed a bill. No more swamp swamp gone. Swamp is in Mexico now It's on fire. Great deal for us The crowd chants: FOUR MORE SWAMPS! FOUR MORE SWAMPS! PRESIDENT TRUMP (CONT'D) Foreign powers cheat us Canada steals our milk. China steals our milk. We only had one glass of milk left! Obama drank it. Not fair The crowd boos. They wanted that milk PRESIDENT TRUMP CONT'D) But like President Ronald Rogaine, will bring back the milk! The crowd roars. They still want that milk. PRESIDENT TRUMP (CONT D) A wall of milk. No criminals get through. Democrats want criminals to have the milk. No way. Milk comes from coal. We'1l dig it up All of the words are mispronounced. The crowd cheers. They hate pronunciations. They love milk. They start digging
Alive, America, and Beautiful: Keaton Patti
 @KeatonPatti
 I forced a bot to watch over 1,000
 hours of Trump rallies and then asked
 it to write a Trump rally of its own. Here
 is the first page
 TRUMP RALLY
 INT BIG ARBY S IN SOUTH WYOMKLAHOMA
 PRESIDENT TRUMP forces himself on a podium
 PRESIDENT TRUME
 I just had a phone call with the
 economy. Jobs poured out of the
 phone. Great jobs. Tall jobs. Steve
 Jobs. All at Kinko' s
 The crowd cheers. It is full of real Americans (man with hard
 hat, man with harder hat, gun that is alive
 PRESIDENT TRUMP (CONT D)
 The United Snakes is doing so good.
 other countries are on fire. All
 the people on fire. Hot fire too.
 Not us. Our flag is so beautiful
 President Trump salutes a flag that says: ARBY'S FOOD IS FINE
 TO EAT. The crowd howls. They love this flag of America
 PRESIDENT TRUMP (CONT D)
 I signed a bill. No more swamp
 swamp gone. Swamp is in Mexico now
 It's on fire. Great deal for us
 The crowd chants: FOUR MORE SWAMPS! FOUR MORE SWAMPS!
 PRESIDENT TRUMP (CONT'D)
 Foreign powers cheat us Canada
 steals our milk. China steals our
 milk. We only had one glass of milk
 left! Obama drank it. Not fair
 The crowd boos. They wanted that milk
 PRESIDENT TRUMP CONT'D)
 But like President Ronald Rogaine,
 will bring back the milk!
 The crowd roars. They still want that milk.
 PRESIDENT TRUMP (CONT D)
 A wall of milk. No criminals get
 through. Democrats want criminals
 to have the milk. No way. Milk
 comes from coal. We'1l dig it up
 All of the words are mispronounced. The crowd cheers. They
 hate pronunciations. They love milk. They start digging
Love, Mother's Day, and Prison: May 14, 2017 . As I picked out this card for my mom last Mother's Day at Hallmark, I handed it to the female cashier to ring me up. She looked at me and said "This must be a joke! How could you give your mother such a horrible card?!? You should be ashamed of yourself!" Being little miss confrontation, I obviously had to respond by saying "The reason I am giving her this card (as I read it to her outloud), is because I am not a stripper and I am also not in prison. It was a thank you for being an amazing mother who has always taught me right from wrong and the card gave her credit for being the best mother ever!" I then heard the claps of 7 people who were also buying cards and had created a line behind me. The cashier's face turned bright red from embarrassment and in an attempt to still try and bring me down, she said "Well I'm calling corporate and telling them that one of our card vendors set up a very offensive card and it should be removed immediately!" You know me... gotta get in my last word "I probably wouldn't do that if you want to keep your job." (as l pointed to the back stamped with the Hallmark logo) She finally let me pay and as I got to the door, I couldn't help myself, I looked over my shoulder and asked "So which one is it? Is your daughter a stripper or is she in prison!?!" I got my second round of claps and cheers as I smiled and walked out. My mom told me it was one of funniest and most amazing cards and after that one I should give up because I can't ever top it. Happy Mother's Day mommy! I love you the moon
Love, Mother's Day, and Prison: May 14, 2017 .
 As I picked out this card for my mom last Mother's
 Day at Hallmark, I handed it to the female cashier to
 ring me up. She looked at me and said "This must be a
 joke! How could you give your mother such a horrible
 card?!? You should be ashamed of yourself!" Being
 little miss confrontation, I obviously had to respond by
 saying "The reason I am giving her this card (as I read
 it to her outloud), is because I am not a stripper and I
 am also not in prison. It was a thank you for being an
 amazing mother who has always taught me right from
 wrong and the card gave her credit for being the best
 mother ever!" I then heard the claps of 7 people who
 were also buying cards and had created a line behind
 me. The cashier's face turned bright red from
 embarrassment and in an attempt to still try and bring
 me down, she said "Well I'm calling corporate and
 telling them that one of our card vendors set up a very
 offensive card and it should be removed immediately!"
 You know me... gotta get in my last word "I probably
 wouldn't do that if you want to keep your job." (as l
 pointed to the back stamped with the Hallmark logo)
 She finally let me pay and as I got to the door, I
 couldn't help myself, I looked over my shoulder and
 asked "So which one is it? Is your daughter a stripper
 or is she in prison!?!" I got my second round of claps
 and cheers as I smiled and walked out. My mom told
 me it was one of funniest and most amazing cards and
 after that one I should give up because I can't ever top
 it. Happy Mother's Day mommy! I love you the moon