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Alive, Animals, and Bad: mithsonian smithchan.com/monsters nake CHANNELmanstersrake 02012 SNUSI Networks LL.C. All rights reserved Smithson legitimatelala: lokiwtf: gallizfrey: anneriawings: siphersaysstuff: honey-andrevolution: sashayed: silvermoon424: poppypicklesticks: billybatsonandjameshowlettsbro: cosmicallycosmopolitan: billybatsonandjameshowlettsbro: james-winston: The Titanoboa, is a 48ft long snake dating from around 60-58million years ago. It had a rib cage 2ft wide, allowing it to eat whole crocodiles, and surrounding the ribcage were muscles so powerful that it could crush a rhino. Titanoboa was so big it couldn’t even spend long amounts of time on land, because the force of gravity acting on it would cause it to suffocate under its own weight. I’m so glad they aren’t around omg me too. I’m scared enough of 26 ft long anacondas. I’m so happy Megalodons, those giant sharks, aren’t alive either Praise natural selection I remember watching Walking with Beasts or something similar, or some British tv show about evolution The subject was something like a 12 foot long water scorpion I was so startled by its sudden appearance and narration that I yelped: “12 fucking feet?!?!  I’m fucking glad it’s extinct!”  Dude, prehistory was home to some fucking TERRIFYING creatures. For some reason, everything back then was enormous and scary. Extinction doesn’t always have to be a bad thing! And Poppy, what you saw was an arthropod known as Pterygotus (it was actually featured in Walking With Monsters). Not only was it as big (or maybe even bigger) than your average human, it had a stinger the size of a lightbulb. REALLY glad that bugger isn’t around anymore. Also, Megalodon deserves to be mention again, because just hearing its name makes me want to never be submerged in water ever again. GOD, I HATE THIS POST. HOW DO WE EVEN KNOW THAT SHIT ISN’T STILL AROUND? LURKING? EVOLVING? WE DON’T. WE DON’T KNOW SHIT ABOUT SHIT DOWN THERE. THE OCEAN IS A PRIMEVAL HELLSCAPE NIGHTMARE AND WE ALL JUST DIP OUR STUPID FRAGILE UNPROTECTED FETUS BODIES AROUND THE EDGES OF IT LIKE THAT’S NORMAL. FUCK THE OCEAN. this is so relevant to my interests  It wasn’t just the predators. North Carolina was once home to giant ground sloths… THAT IS A GODDAMNED LEAF-EATING SLOTH. We’ve got a skeleton of one of these fuckers at the museum downtown, and man, just being NEAR it is unsettling. DON’T FORGET PREHISTORIC WHALES, SOME OF THOSE FUCKERS WERE TERRIFYING AMBULOCETUS WAS AMPHIBIOUS AND PRETTY BADASS BASILOSAURUS WAS THIS GIANT REPTILIAN CETACEAN THAT PROBABLY SWAM LIKE A DUMB EEL BECAUSE OF ITS TINY FLUKES BUT THIS FUCKER WAS 60 FEET LONG AND AT THE TOP OF THE MARINE FOOD CHAIN AND THEN THERE’S MY FAVORITE, ZYGOPHYSETER, WHICH WAS THIS HUGE EARLY SPERM WHALE THAT ATE SHARKS AND OTHER WHALES IT WAS NOTHING BUT TEETH The reason why the animals in the prehistoric times were so big was because there was much more oxygen in the atmosphere if I recall correctly. Because there was so much oxygen and so few carbon gasses, life on earth was able to grow to terrifying lengths and heights, don’t forget how giant the bugs were. I have never seen so much prime nope in a single post *Goes on Tumblr at 5am to help me go back to sleep for a bit longer* *Never sleeps again* Dammit I was born to late for all the fun
Alive, Animals, and Bad: mithsonian smithchan.com/monsters nake
 CHANNELmanstersrake
 02012 SNUSI Networks LL.C. All rights reserved Smithson
legitimatelala:

lokiwtf:

gallizfrey:

anneriawings:

siphersaysstuff:

honey-andrevolution:

sashayed:

silvermoon424:

poppypicklesticks:

billybatsonandjameshowlettsbro:

cosmicallycosmopolitan:

billybatsonandjameshowlettsbro:

james-winston:

The Titanoboa, is a 48ft long snake dating from around 60-58million years ago. It had a rib cage 2ft wide, allowing it to eat whole crocodiles, and surrounding the ribcage were muscles so powerful that it could crush a rhino. Titanoboa was so big it couldn’t even spend long amounts of time on land, because the force of gravity acting on it would cause it to suffocate under its own weight.

I’m so glad they aren’t around

omg me too. I’m scared enough of 26 ft long anacondas. I’m so happy Megalodons, those giant sharks, aren’t alive either

Praise natural selection

I remember watching Walking with Beasts or something similar, or some British tv show about evolution
The subject was something like a 12 foot long water scorpion
I was so startled by its sudden appearance and narration that I yelped: “12 fucking feet?!?!  I’m fucking glad it’s extinct!” 

Dude, prehistory was home to some fucking TERRIFYING creatures. For some reason, everything back then was enormous and scary. Extinction doesn’t always have to be a bad thing!
And Poppy, what you saw was an arthropod known as Pterygotus (it was actually featured in Walking With Monsters). Not only was it as big (or maybe even bigger) than your average human, it had a stinger the size of a lightbulb. REALLY glad that bugger isn’t around anymore.

Also, Megalodon deserves to be mention again, because just hearing its name makes me want to never be submerged in water ever again.


GOD, I HATE THIS POST. HOW DO WE EVEN KNOW THAT SHIT ISN’T STILL AROUND? LURKING? EVOLVING? WE DON’T. WE DON’T KNOW SHIT ABOUT SHIT DOWN THERE. THE OCEAN IS A PRIMEVAL HELLSCAPE NIGHTMARE AND WE ALL JUST DIP OUR STUPID FRAGILE UNPROTECTED FETUS BODIES AROUND THE EDGES OF IT LIKE THAT’S NORMAL. FUCK THE OCEAN.

this is so relevant to my interests 

It wasn’t just the predators. North Carolina was once home to giant ground sloths…

THAT IS A GODDAMNED LEAF-EATING SLOTH.
We’ve got a skeleton of one of these fuckers at the museum downtown, and man, just being NEAR it is unsettling.


DON’T FORGET PREHISTORIC WHALES, SOME OF THOSE FUCKERS WERE TERRIFYING
AMBULOCETUS WAS AMPHIBIOUS AND PRETTY BADASS

BASILOSAURUS WAS THIS GIANT REPTILIAN CETACEAN THAT PROBABLY SWAM LIKE A DUMB EEL BECAUSE OF ITS TINY FLUKES BUT THIS FUCKER WAS 60 FEET LONG AND AT THE TOP OF THE MARINE FOOD CHAIN
AND THEN THERE’S MY FAVORITE, ZYGOPHYSETER, WHICH WAS THIS HUGE EARLY SPERM WHALE THAT ATE SHARKS AND OTHER WHALES
IT WAS NOTHING BUT TEETH



The reason why the animals in the prehistoric times were so big was because there was much more oxygen in the atmosphere if I recall correctly. Because there was so much oxygen and so few carbon gasses, life on earth was able to grow to terrifying lengths and heights, don’t forget how giant the bugs were.


I have never seen so much prime nope in a single post


*Goes on Tumblr at 5am to help me go back to sleep for a bit longer*
*Never sleeps again*


Dammit I was born to late for all the fun

legitimatelala: lokiwtf: gallizfrey: anneriawings: siphersaysstuff: honey-andrevolution: sashayed: silvermoon424: poppypicklesticks:...

Ass, Bad, and Children: zaynsamosa white person: eats chicken tikka masala once* i just... i feel so connected... to indian culture... I'm learning to speak islam.... check out my third eye..... chakra teaboot Every time see this. Every damn time. I'm immediately sucked back into my fuckin. Fuckin English lit class with Mr. Fuckass McShit. Mr. "Hit the gong to begin class", "Namaste, Children", "l wanna go backpacking in India to find my spiritual awakening and also my left burkinstock that I lost during a cedar sauna drum circle" ass bastard. "Do you want to share your poetry with the class to get in touch with your emotions" ass fucker. Mr. "Here's a photograph of a tribal shaman, describe him using nature words" asshole. Pretentious- ass, condescending motherfucker. "Do you want to tell us about your saddest memory?" "I dunno, sir. Are you giving me an option?" "No." "Then why are you asking" Every goddamn day. Fuck. "You seem tense." Oh, I seem tense? I seem tense. Well fuck, Professor Pillsbury, maybe l 'seem tense' because I walk into a room on five hours of sleep to the sound of a goddamn brass gong drilling through my brain and your seven- foot-nine, socks-and-sandals-wearing, patchouli- smelling ass immediately gravitates in my direction with some shit like "a tree......... Is a Poem" and I gotta sit here and politely tell you that No I'm Not Comfortable Telling The Class About A Time I Was Emotionally Vulnerable With A Loved One using words that sound like the way the color yellow smells. Maybe l don't wanna sit in a circle and hold hands with Brittney from Computer Sciences to "align our auras" or some shit Fuck. Fuuuuuuck. I swear to God, if I wanted to sing kumbaya' with a smelly old guy with gross facial hair who writes bad porn on the side, I'd go out to the parking lot and share a Hookah with Crazy Dan, the disgraced electrician. What, I don't wanna do an interpretive dance to represent the spiritual experience of eating Quinoa in a room full of ambivalent preteens and suddenly I'm the 'troubled youth' you need to Robin Williams "O Captain My Captain" your way into having a Paternal Bonding Moment powerful enough to Expand My Impressionable Young Mind and Turn My Life Around, you goddamn saint, you? Jesus Fucking Christ. You insufferable jackass. You're not "Enlightened", you rolled out of bed and ate half a pot brownie, wrote a sad song about a leaf, and strolled into class to ramble about your Spirit Animal for six hours straight before calling it a day. Holy Jesus goddamned Christ. Fucking Balls, sir. Holy Fucking Balls Source: zintersoldier #Teaboot 238,334 notes Sep 29th, 2018 a tree Is a Poem
Ass, Bad, and Children: zaynsamosa
 white person: eats chicken tikka masala once* i just...
 i feel so connected... to indian culture... I'm learning
 to speak islam.... check out my third eye..... chakra
 teaboot
 Every time see this. Every damn time. I'm immediately
 sucked back into my fuckin. Fuckin English lit class
 with Mr. Fuckass McShit. Mr. "Hit the gong to begin
 class", "Namaste, Children", "l wanna go backpacking
 in India to find my spiritual awakening and also my left
 burkinstock that I lost during a cedar sauna drum
 circle" ass bastard. "Do you want to share your poetry
 with the class to get in touch with your emotions" ass
 fucker. Mr. "Here's a photograph of a tribal shaman,
 describe him using nature words" asshole. Pretentious-
 ass, condescending motherfucker. "Do you want to tell
 us about your saddest memory?" "I dunno, sir. Are you
 giving me an option?" "No." "Then why are you asking"
 Every goddamn day. Fuck. "You seem tense." Oh, I
 seem tense? I seem tense. Well fuck, Professor
 Pillsbury, maybe l 'seem tense' because I walk into a
 room on five hours of sleep to the sound of a goddamn
 brass gong drilling through my brain and your seven-
 foot-nine, socks-and-sandals-wearing, patchouli-
 smelling ass immediately gravitates in my direction with
 some shit like "a tree......... Is a Poem" and I gotta sit
 here and politely tell you that No I'm Not Comfortable
 Telling The Class About A Time I Was Emotionally
 Vulnerable With A Loved One using words that sound
 like the way the color yellow smells. Maybe l don't
 wanna sit in a circle and hold hands with Brittney from
 Computer Sciences to "align our auras" or some shit
 Fuck. Fuuuuuuck. I swear to God, if I wanted to sing
 kumbaya' with a smelly old guy with gross facial hair
 who writes bad porn on the side, I'd go out to the
 parking lot and share a Hookah with Crazy Dan, the
 disgraced electrician. What, I don't wanna do an
 interpretive dance to represent the spiritual experience
 of eating Quinoa in a room full of ambivalent preteens
 and suddenly I'm the 'troubled youth' you need to
 Robin Williams "O Captain My Captain" your way into
 having a Paternal Bonding Moment powerful enough to
 Expand My Impressionable Young Mind and Turn My
 Life Around, you goddamn saint, you? Jesus Fucking
 Christ. You insufferable jackass. You're not
 "Enlightened", you rolled out of bed and ate half a pot
 brownie, wrote a sad song about a leaf, and strolled
 into class to ramble about your Spirit Animal for six
 hours straight before calling it a day. Holy Jesus
 goddamned Christ. Fucking Balls, sir. Holy Fucking
 Balls
 Source: zintersoldier
 #Teaboot
 238,334 notes
 Sep 29th, 2018
a tree Is a Poem

a tree Is a Poem

Being Alone, Apparently, and Disneyland: talesfromyourlocalcashier: victorian-sexstache: mizuaoi: musicalhell: madhattey: rusticbabe: spiderman-against-pedos: witchcryptid: alittlebitpessimistic: azalea-in-time: ziamlevinestylinson: 2ollux-captor-ii2-my-dance2tor: useless-worthless-nobody: azalea-in-time: When you go to a haunted house, it may seem like you’re being funny by trying to scare the actors or jump out at them when you go through a second time, but guess what? ITS NOT FUNNY. You pay us to scare you. It is your choice to go, so don’t fucking go through if you’re going to ignore the rules and get too close to the actors as a ‘joke’. These bruises happened because over the course of 4 hours, several people ignored the instructions that CLEARLY stated that they were to wait in the front room until told otherwise. Rather than listen, they ran into the next room and slammed into me- effectively throwing me into the wall. This didn’t only happen once. It happened ten times at LEAST. Then we had this asshole who thought that once I ‘died’ for the haunt, he could pretend to kick me to see if I’d moved. I, being used to people abusing me- jumped back and slammed my head into the concrete wall. YOU ARE NOT FUNNY BY BEING RUDE AT A HAUNTED HOUSE. WE ARE PAID ACTORS THAT YOU CHOOSE TO COME AND SEE PERFORM. YOU PAY US TO SCARE THE SHIT OUT OF YOU, SO DONT HIT US WHEN WE DO I feel that this is relevant considering it is October and more Haunted Houses are opening up. I know it seems funny to scare the ‘monsters’ but all you do is hurt real people. So stop. It’s not even October but I’m still spreading this SIGNAL BOOOOOOOOSSSSSTTTTT!!!!!!! Now Yeah…your director may want to consider reblocking We don’t have a director? Or blocking??? It’s a haunted house bro, not a play Reblogging for relevance- I work at a Haunted House every October, and have been for the past few years. Our house in particular is staffed by Volunteer workers who are either earning credits for Graduation, or people who know the Family that owns the haunted attraction. In our City, we’re one of two Haunted Houses, so while we open in late September, we tend to get incredibly busy during the month of October and often work from 6pm until 2, 3am on weekends.  We do not get paid to help out. Due to our location, we get a lot of drunk guys coming through, and a lot of ‘funny’ teenagers. In my several years working there, I’ve seen Actors get grabbed and thrown, stomped on, kicked, bitten, everything. A lot of the Actors at this attraction are young teenagers, Middle and Secondary School students, so this kind of abuse is terrifying and potentially emotionally scarring. There’s a position half-way through the house we call ‘Psych Ward’, and it’s essentially a jump scare. The scare is a corner-room, boxed in with walls and broken windows, that the Actor pops out of and shouts and taunts the people going through. October, 2012, a couple were going through the Psych Ward corner and the scare went off as per usual. The girlfriend of this couple got very startled but laughed it off and continued on. The boyfriend, however, back-tracked and went up to the broken window and punched the Actor in the face for scaring his girlfriend. The Actor, who I’m going to call Tracy, had a black eye for a good two weeks solid and the couple had to be escorted out of the house and were banned from the property. Ever since we’ve ruled that Veteran Actors (someone who’s been there for 3+ years) are the only ones allowed in this particular Scaring Spot. He paid to get scared and then got violent when we delivered. There are so many stories I can tell of ignorant customers banging back on scares and injuring the Actors inside, grabbing props from the actors and hurting them with it, destroying props because they thought it would be ‘funny’.  I just want to raise awareness that the ACTORS ARE STILL PEOPLE. We’re instructed to get the best kind of scare out of you, sometimes with no pay at all (like this particular attraction), so please respect our work. We wouldn’t come to your job, mock you, and push you around trying to be ‘funny’. Don’t come to our job and do that to us! I literally cannot believe people are angry over this post saying “don’t fucking beat up actors” I work at a haunted hayride and a guy tried to dropkick me in the chest and knee me in the face because he thought it was funny. I got in trouble for breaking character to tell him to fucking stop. Ive been hit so many times this season it has left cuts and bruises. Back in 2015 I was fucking choked and dragged behind a wagon because a lady was drunk and her son had to pry her hands off me because IM NOT ALLOWED TO TOUCH YOU OR FIGHT BACK. Most recently, a customer groped my breasts and twisted my fucking nipples. Apparently, she did it to AT LEAST twenty other actors. THAT IS SEXUAL ASSAULT YOU ASSHOLES. ITS NOT OKAY. Most recently a customer fucking kicked me and sent me to the goddamned hospital. WHEN YOU GO TO A HAUNTED HAYRIDE / HAUNTED HOUSE, REMEMBER YOU LITERALLY PAID US TO SCARE YOU. THE ACTORS ARE REAL PEOPLE. DO NOT FUCKING HIT US. Why the fuck would you even do this holy shit Hey guys i know this is out of theme but that comment from @witchcryptid was me and my old url. I plan on working this job again this year if at all possible, so here’s an added psa: If your family or friend(s) force you into a haunting, be upfront as best you can and tell actors as they come up “please do not scare me i am too anxious / scared” and 9.99/10 times we will listen and leave you alone. just communicate with us even though we most often cannot communicate back. We may be playing monsters, but we are NOT monsters. Also, please remember to keep your hands off of us during your haunting, and also please try to step in or speak up if you see people trying to touch us, assault us, or talking about planning to touch or hurt a staff member. We cannot do anything and will most likely get in legal trouble for touching you in defense. Thank you and have a spooky fall 🌻🍁🍂🍃 I…I feel really upset that this has to be a reminder ._. I mean they should know you’re…justacting. jesus christ… I don’t even do haunted houses (I’m one of those aforementioned anxious people) but boosting the signal because this is seriously not cool. Hey guys it’s that time!! You paid for a ticket which means you consented to be scared! As an ex haunt monster please for fucks sake if you KNOW your reflex is to strike when scared DO NOT GO TO THESE. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE NO ONE GOES TO DISNEYLAND AND PUNCHES DONALD DUCK WHY WOULD YOU DO THE SAME TO HAUNTED HOUSE WORKERS?!?!?!?! Please don’t attack workers for doing their jobs.
Being Alone, Apparently, and Disneyland: talesfromyourlocalcashier:
victorian-sexstache:


mizuaoi:

musicalhell:

madhattey:

rusticbabe:

spiderman-against-pedos:

witchcryptid:

alittlebitpessimistic:

azalea-in-time:

ziamlevinestylinson:

2ollux-captor-ii2-my-dance2tor:

useless-worthless-nobody:

azalea-in-time:

When you go to a haunted house, it may seem like you’re being funny by trying to scare the actors or jump out at them when you go through a second time, but guess what? ITS NOT FUNNY.
You pay us to scare you. It is your choice to go, so don’t fucking go through if you’re going to ignore the rules and get too close to the actors as a ‘joke’.
These bruises happened because over the course of 4 hours, several people ignored the instructions that CLEARLY stated that they were to wait in the front room until told otherwise. Rather than listen, they ran into the next room and slammed into me- effectively throwing me into the wall. This didn’t only happen once. It happened ten times at LEAST.
Then we had this asshole who thought that once I ‘died’ for the haunt, he could pretend to kick me to see if I’d moved. I, being used to people abusing me- jumped back and slammed my head into the concrete wall.
YOU ARE NOT FUNNY BY BEING RUDE AT A HAUNTED HOUSE. WE ARE PAID ACTORS THAT YOU CHOOSE TO COME AND SEE PERFORM. YOU PAY US TO SCARE THE SHIT OUT OF YOU, SO DONT HIT US WHEN WE DO
I feel that this is relevant considering it is October and more Haunted Houses are opening up. I know it seems funny to scare the ‘monsters’ but all you do is hurt real people. So stop.

It’s not even October but I’m still spreading this

SIGNAL BOOOOOOOOSSSSSTTTTT!!!!!!! Now

Yeah…your director may want to consider reblocking

We don’t have a director? Or blocking??? It’s a haunted house bro, not a play

Reblogging for relevance-
I work at a Haunted House every October, and have been for the past few years. Our house in particular is staffed by Volunteer workers who are either earning credits for Graduation, or people who know the Family that owns the haunted attraction. In our City, we’re one of two Haunted Houses, so while we open in late September, we tend to get incredibly busy during the month of October and often work from 6pm until 2, 3am on weekends. 
We do not get paid to help out. Due to our location, we get a lot of drunk guys coming through, and a lot of ‘funny’ teenagers. In my several years working there, I’ve seen Actors get grabbed and thrown, stomped on, kicked, bitten, everything. A lot of the Actors at this attraction are young teenagers, Middle and Secondary School students, so this kind of abuse is terrifying and potentially emotionally scarring.
There’s a position half-way through the house we call ‘Psych Ward’, and it’s essentially a jump scare. The scare is a corner-room, boxed in with walls and broken windows, that the Actor pops out of and shouts and taunts the people going through. October, 2012, a couple were going through the Psych Ward corner and the scare went off as per usual. The girlfriend of this couple got very startled but laughed it off and continued on. The boyfriend, however, back-tracked and went up to the broken window and punched the Actor in the face for scaring his girlfriend. The Actor, who I’m going to call Tracy, had a black eye for a good two weeks solid and the couple had to be escorted out of the house and were banned from the property. Ever since we’ve ruled that Veteran Actors (someone who’s been there for 3+ years) are the only ones allowed in this particular Scaring Spot.
He paid to get scared and then got violent when we delivered.
There are so many stories I can tell of ignorant customers banging back on scares and injuring the Actors inside, grabbing props from the actors and hurting them with it, destroying props because they thought it would be ‘funny’. 
I just want to raise awareness that the ACTORS ARE STILL PEOPLE. We’re instructed to get the best kind of scare out of you, sometimes with no pay at all (like this particular attraction), so please respect our work.
We wouldn’t come to your job, mock you, and push you around trying to be ‘funny’. Don’t come to our job and do that to us!

I literally cannot believe people are angry over this post saying “don’t fucking beat up actors”

I work at a haunted hayride and a guy tried to dropkick me in the chest and knee me in the face because he thought it was funny. 

I got in trouble for breaking character to tell him to fucking stop. 

Ive been hit so many times this season it has left cuts and bruises.  Back in 2015 I was fucking choked and dragged behind a wagon because a lady was drunk and her son had to pry her hands off me because IM NOT ALLOWED TO TOUCH YOU OR FIGHT BACK. 

Most recently, a customer groped my breasts and twisted my fucking nipples.  Apparently, she did it to AT LEAST twenty other actors. 
THAT IS SEXUAL ASSAULT YOU ASSHOLES.  ITS NOT OKAY. 

Most recently a customer fucking kicked me and sent me to the goddamned hospital.  

WHEN YOU GO TO A HAUNTED HAYRIDE / HAUNTED HOUSE, REMEMBER YOU LITERALLY PAID US TO SCARE YOU.  
THE ACTORS ARE REAL PEOPLE.
DO NOT FUCKING HIT US.


Why the fuck would you even do this holy shit 


Hey guys i know this is out of theme but that comment from @witchcryptid was me and my old url.  I plan on working this job again this year if at all possible, so here’s an added psa:
If your family or friend(s) force you into a haunting, be upfront as best you can and tell actors as they come up “please do not scare me i am too anxious / scared” and 9.99/10 times we will listen and leave you alone.  just communicate with us even though we most often cannot communicate back.  
We may be playing monsters, but we are NOT monsters.
Also, please remember to keep your hands off of us during your haunting, and also please try to step in or speak up if you see people trying to touch us, assault us, or talking about planning to touch or hurt a staff member.  
We cannot do anything and will most likely get in legal trouble for touching you in defense.
Thank you and have a spooky fall 🌻🍁🍂🍃

I…I feel really upset that this has to be a reminder ._.
I mean they should know you’re…justacting.
jesus christ…

I don’t even do haunted houses (I’m one of those aforementioned anxious people) but boosting the signal because this is seriously not cool.


Hey guys it’s that time!!
You paid for a ticket which means you consented to be scared!
As an ex haunt monster please for fucks sake if you KNOW your reflex is to strike when scared DO NOT GO TO THESE. 

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE NO ONE GOES TO DISNEYLAND AND PUNCHES DONALD DUCK WHY WOULD YOU DO THE SAME TO HAUNTED HOUSE WORKERS?!?!?!?!


Please don’t attack workers for doing their jobs.

talesfromyourlocalcashier: victorian-sexstache: mizuaoi: musicalhell: madhattey: rusticbabe: spiderman-against-pedos: witchcryptid: ...

Alive, Apparently, and Ass: starism i Still cant believe sneaking out is an Actual thing that teenagers Do starism this is just so unrealistic to me like what the fuck how do yall do it??? I have Arguments and Questions 1. like what am i supposed to do if i live in a building??? do i just wait for the elevator?? do i take the stairs?? mind me there could be a Lot 2. how THE FUCK do yall manage to do all this shit without waking anyone up?? this is So Fake!! if i so much as sneeze into my pillow my mom will come into my room and see if my ass is okay and then complain that i woke her up 3. HOW THE FUCK DONT YOUR PARENTS REALIZE YALL ARE GONE?? AND HOW DO YOU MANAGE TO COME BACK?? WHAT THE FUCK!! 4. if my mom found out that id been going places in the middle of the night u bet your ass id be dead the next day 5. i dont believe in this concept At All so my sister snuck out of the house one night because we live in an old house in the country that's always creaking and "settling" which, d news: is perfect for sneaking out because there's always weird noises anyway; bad news: we're in the middle of the woods and there's always creepy fucking noises but hey, what are white girls gonna do except sneak out at night and through the woods to go have sex with their boyfriends? cou and I do literally mean through the woods. our driveway is a quarter of a mile long through actual wooded area, and she wasn't smart enough to grab a flashlight. but she could sort of see the headlights of her boyfriend's car at the very end so it wasn't so bad going down to be picked up except when she got dropped off, she had to make the trip back up the driveway, through the dark scary woods, with no light whatsoever, at like 3 am or some other Gonna Get White Girl Murdered time and she was high as fuuuuuuuuuuck so she's creeping her way back up the driveway, trying to move slow or else she'll fall off the ground and get lost in the sky forever. really then she steps on a frog because we also have a 3 acre "pond" like our property isn't fucking creepy enough already and my first-time-to-ever-be-high sister stepped on a FROG and apparently it both squished and belched, and keep in mind that with no light whatsoever she doesnt know what the fuck just happened AT ALL I wake up to a series of frantic text messages hlp he lp HEL dont' tell momd and dad jsut murdered somtheing also, just for context, this is also the sister that pierced her own ears and gave herself a stick'n'poke tattoo with a lighter and my moms sewing needle because she "got restless" and picked a fight with a girl two grades above, half a foot taller, and probably a hundred pounds heavier AND WON (it doesn't matter if you're smol if you get 'em on the ground and get on top) anyway so waking up to an "I just murdered something text from her was. actually kind of inevitable siblings are either ride or die or no officer I've never seen that person before, and that night, I decided I was ride or die so then I take MY dumb white girl ass out into the woods in the middle of the night, but at least I'm smart enough to take a flashlight sister had already texted me she was "onthe driveways" but again that's a quarter mile journey finally I arrive at the scene of the crime sister: sitting in the gravel, crying, makeup a Mess frog: laying still beside her, looking like a slightly smaller Jabba the Hut she points at the frog and sobs that it's a heart. obviously a frog. a fucking BIG ASS frog, but still. I'm relieved, but also super pissed, because I drug myself out of bed, snuck out too, and dangled my sumptuous human body in front of all the Forest Monsters on my way down here and there isn't even a fucking body just a frog, which I pick up to show her is not a heart, and turns out to only be stunned! not deadl still very much alive and full of pee!! so it pisses all over me and slimes out of my hand, escaping into the night also, I totally held my sisters hand with my Piss Hand as Iled her back home because she mia7437 this was a goddamned journey 6. why wouldn't you rather just sleep reasons to not sneak out of the house
Alive, Apparently, and Ass: starism
 i Still cant believe sneaking out is an Actual
 thing that teenagers Do
 starism
 this is just so unrealistic to me like what the
 fuck how do yall do it??? I have Arguments and
 Questions
 1. like what am i supposed to do if i live in a
 building??? do i just wait for the elevator?? do i
 take the stairs?? mind me there could be a Lot
 2. how THE FUCK do yall manage to do all this
 shit without waking anyone up?? this is So
 Fake!! if i so much as sneeze into my pillow my
 mom will come into my room and see if my ass
 is okay and then complain that i woke her up
 3. HOW THE FUCK DONT YOUR PARENTS
 REALIZE YALL ARE GONE?? AND HOW DO YOU
 MANAGE TO COME BACK?? WHAT THE FUCK!!
 4. if my mom found out that id been going
 places in the middle of the night u bet your ass
 id be dead the next day
 5. i dont believe in this concept At All
 so my sister snuck out of the house one night
 because we live in an old house in the country
 that's always creaking and "settling" which,
 d news: is perfect for sneaking out because
 there's always weird noises anyway; bad news:
 we're in the middle of the woods and there's
 always creepy fucking noises
 but hey, what are white girls gonna do except
 sneak out at night and through the woods to go
 have sex with their boyfriends?
 cou
 and I do literally mean through the woods. our
 driveway is a quarter of a mile long through
 actual wooded area, and she wasn't smart
 enough to grab a flashlight. but she could sort
 of see the headlights of her boyfriend's car at
 the very end so it wasn't so bad going down to
 be picked up
 except when she got dropped off, she had to
 make the trip back up the driveway, through the
 dark scary woods, with no light whatsoever, at
 like 3 am or some other Gonna Get White Girl
 Murdered time
 and she was high as fuuuuuuuuuuck
 so she's creeping her way back up the driveway,
 trying to move slow or else she'll fall off the
 ground and get lost in the sky forever. really
 then she steps on a frog
 because we also have a 3 acre "pond" like our
 property isn't fucking creepy enough already
 and my first-time-to-ever-be-high sister stepped
 on a FROG and apparently it both squished and
 belched, and keep in mind that with no light
 whatsoever she doesnt know what the fuck just
 happened AT ALL
 I wake up to a series of frantic text messages
 hlp he lp HEL
 dont' tell momd and dad
 jsut murdered somtheing
 also, just for context, this is also the sister that
 pierced her own ears and gave herself a
 stick'n'poke tattoo with a lighter and my moms
 sewing needle because she "got restless" and
 picked a fight with a girl two grades above, half
 a foot taller, and probably a hundred pounds
 heavier AND WON
 (it doesn't matter if you're smol if you get 'em
 on the ground and get on top)
 anyway
 so waking up to an "I just murdered something
 text from her was. actually kind of inevitable
 siblings are either ride or die or no officer I've
 never seen that person before, and that night, I
 decided I was ride or die
 so then I take MY dumb white girl ass out into
 the woods in the middle of the night, but at
 least I'm smart enough to take a flashlight
 sister had already texted me she was "onthe
 driveways" but again that's a quarter mile
 journey
 finally I arrive at the scene of the crime
 sister: sitting in the gravel, crying, makeup a
 Mess
 frog: laying still beside her, looking like a slightly
 smaller Jabba the Hut
 she points at the frog and sobs that it's a heart.
 obviously a frog. a fucking BIG ASS frog, but
 still. I'm relieved, but also super pissed, because
 I drug myself out of bed, snuck out too, and
 dangled my sumptuous human body in front of
 all the Forest Monsters on my way down here
 and there isn't even a fucking body
 just a frog, which I pick up to show her is not a
 heart, and turns out to only be stunned! not
 deadl still very much alive and full of pee!!
 so it pisses all over me and slimes out of my
 hand, escaping into the night
 also, I totally held my sisters hand with my Piss
 Hand as Iled her back home because she
 mia7437
 this was a goddamned journey
 6. why wouldn't you rather just sleep
reasons to not sneak out of the house

reasons to not sneak out of the house

Advice, Butt, and Click: 2 x t 15) Inbox | Tumblrx M Inbax- vickyediaz@gma X https://www.tumblr.com/inbox train.medcerts com 1處Home l Archive of Ou wl Microsoft Word Onlir f Facebook "-Bloge t Tumblr Reddit DkUneddit Inbox blr Anonymous said February 19th 201 INBOX TOOLS Mass Edit Mo that's one big piece of tape on your laptop camera Search Inbox INCOMING imaginarymuffin: bluecrysto-blog: amis-amai: ilikeyoshi: dickbuttofficial: killbenedictcumberbatch: carry-on-my-wayward-butt: carry-on-my-wayward-butt: windows 10 is garbage so every time i boot up the computer i have to run command prompt and enter net.exe stop “Windows Search” so that the shitty goddamned search/cortana feature that i never fucking use stops running in the background taking up all my fucking disk space before after what the fuck is that seriously what the fuck is making my computer be a fucking piece of shit @baristaboy try this out dude @lambylin y’all didn’t even add a tutorial of how to do this so imma put one right here1. type in cmd.exe into your windows search and right click on Command Promt search result and select “Run as Administator”.2. Type/Copypase in  net.exe stop “Windows Search” and make sure Windows Search is in quotations. It should then respond saying “The Windows Search service is stopping” and then tell you it’s stopped.This is only a temp fix though, if you want it switched off permanently then do THIS:1.  Press the Windows key + R at the same time and type in services.msc. 2.  Scroll until you find Windows Search and double click it to enter its Properties window. 3.  Change the Startup type to Disabled. Apply this change and you can exit out.VOILA, NO MORE TAKEN UP DISK SPACE Reblog to save a fucking life, FUCK CORTANA. Important piece of advice 
Advice, Butt, and Click: 2
 x t 15) Inbox | Tumblrx M Inbax- vickyediaz@gma X
 https://www.tumblr.com/inbox
 train.medcerts com 1處Home l Archive of Ou wl Microsoft Word Onlir
 f Facebook "-Bloge t Tumblr
 Reddit DkUneddit
 Inbox
 blr
 Anonymous said
 February 19th 201
 INBOX TOOLS
 Mass Edit Mo
 that's one big piece of tape on your laptop camera
 Search Inbox
 INCOMING
imaginarymuffin:
bluecrysto-blog:

amis-amai:


ilikeyoshi:

dickbuttofficial:

killbenedictcumberbatch:

carry-on-my-wayward-butt:

carry-on-my-wayward-butt:

windows 10 is garbage so every time i boot up the computer i have to run command prompt and enter
net.exe stop “Windows Search”
so that the shitty goddamned search/cortana feature that i never fucking use stops running in the background taking up all my fucking disk space

before
after

what the fuck is that seriously what the fuck is making my computer be a fucking piece of shit


@baristaboy try this out dude
@lambylin

y’all didn’t even add a tutorial of how to do this so imma put one right here1. type in cmd.exe into your windows search and right click on Command Promt search result and select “Run as Administator”.2. Type/Copypase in 

net.exe stop “Windows Search” and make sure Windows Search is in quotations. It should then respond saying “The Windows Search service is stopping” and then tell you it’s stopped.This is only a temp fix though, if you want it switched off permanently then do THIS:1.  Press the Windows key + R at the same time and type in services.msc.

2.  Scroll until you find Windows Search and double click it to enter its Properties window. 

3.  Change the Startup type to Disabled. Apply this change and you can exit out.VOILA, NO MORE TAKEN UP DISK SPACE


Reblog to save a fucking life, FUCK CORTANA.

Important piece of advice 

imaginarymuffin: bluecrysto-blog: amis-amai: ilikeyoshi: dickbuttofficial: killbenedictcumberbatch: carry-on-my-wayward-butt: carry-o...

Asian, Fucking, and God: THE ONION EDITION 10c FINEST AMERICAN NEWS SOURCE MAN WALKS ON FUCKING MOON NEIL ARMSTRONG'S HISTORIC FIRST WORDS ON MOON HOLY LIVING FUCK' THE MOON Jesus fucking down in the moon's low gravity The distant, lonely, mysterious colleague on the lunar surface. satellite that has tascinated Hl, yeah Hell yeah," an mankind since the dawn of time ecstatie Aldrin said, pumping astronauts Neil Armstrong and lt's like I told you on the way down on the Sea of Tranquty his shipmate. "Remember?I told in the lunar module Eagle andyou this was going to be fucking Chris Houston. We're on the spent two hours engaged in bove: Neil Armstrong on the surface of the fucking moon chological preparations for the to the capsule. Their intense 18 un-fucking-believableness f month NASA training period- the next phase of the operation, the primary unction of which earthlings watched on televi- credible nature of their mis- ed the tour steps leading out of at one point Armstrong had to the module, pause, and tooksit down and take several deep one small but epoch-making breaths. "just so I dont fueking HOUSTON:Roer. Tranquility 250,000 miles away. " abso-seientists at press time still fucking-lutely am standing oncouldnot eve begin to fucking TRANQUILITY; [t wasa smooth The Earth as seen Ho y Jesus the sur ace of the moon rom the surfaceof the fuckingmoon conceive I am talking to you from the The astronauts also planted an goddamned fueking moon. JesusAmerican flag in the ground H. Christ in a chicken basketongside a plaque reading, in Holy mother of tuck," the first part: "This plaque, placed here Christ's sake. the moon. Over. HOUSTON: You're clear, Tran- pause.) HOUSTON: Roger that. You're quility. Proceed. Over. clear for T1, walkingon lhe, TRANQUILITY: Can see the| TRANQUILITY: Holy 〔pause) Lunar Module ootpads de- living (long pause) fuck. (Long man on the moon added. Roger, no fucking doubt about rom the planet around which it," Mission Controller Peterthis celestial body orbits, will Lovell replied. A-fucking-fir- rest undisturbed on this spot for HOUSTON: You're cleared to, the goddamned moon· (Long| copy? Conveyor. To walk (pause HOUSTON: We read you. Over ing believing this? Over fucking walk on the moon. TRANQUILITY: Footpads depHOUSTON: We read you. Over Eight minutes later, as Armholy living tuck. Can you believe E CAN PUT A MAN ON THE tou uieeakendMOON, BUT WE CAN'T BOMB TRANQUILITY: LEC attached. Surface is powdery. One more lutely am standing on the sur- pause.) I'm hypervnlating.talking to you from the god- HOUSTON: Everything okay,Hold on. r. (lang0ujSsriotinchskn bastA TINY ASIAN NATION INTO the ladder. Can see the Eath, TRANQUILITY: I'm on the bot- THANQUILITY Holy mother THE STONE AGE? A newspaper from July 21st, 1969
Asian, Fucking, and God: THE ONION
 EDITION
 10c
 FINEST AMERICAN NEWS SOURCE
 MAN WALKS ON
 FUCKING MOON
 NEIL ARMSTRONG'S HISTORIC FIRST
 WORDS ON MOON
 HOLY LIVING FUCK'
 THE MOON Jesus fucking down in the moon's low gravity
 The distant, lonely, mysterious colleague on the lunar surface.
 satellite that has tascinated Hl, yeah Hell yeah," an
 mankind since the dawn of time ecstatie Aldrin said, pumping
 astronauts Neil Armstrong and
 lt's like I told you on the way
 down on the Sea of Tranquty his shipmate. "Remember?I told
 in the lunar module Eagle andyou this was going to be fucking
 Chris Houston. We're on the spent two hours engaged in
 bove: Neil Armstrong on the surface of the fucking moon
 chological preparations for the to the capsule. Their intense 18
 un-fucking-believableness f month NASA training period-
 the next phase of the operation, the primary unction of which
 earthlings watched on televi- credible nature of their mis-
 ed the tour steps leading out of at one point Armstrong had to
 the module, pause, and tooksit down and take several deep
 one small but epoch-making breaths. "just so I dont fueking
 HOUSTON:Roer. Tranquility
 250,000 miles away. " abso-seientists at press time still
 fucking-lutely am standing oncouldnot eve begin to fucking
 TRANQUILITY; [t wasa smooth
 The Earth as seen
 Ho y Jesus
 the sur ace of the moon
 rom
 the surfaceof the fuckingmoon
 conceive
 I am talking to you from the The astronauts also planted an
 goddamned fueking moon. JesusAmerican flag in the ground
 H. Christ in a chicken basketongside a plaque reading, in
 Holy mother of tuck," the first part: "This plaque, placed here
 Christ's sake. the moon. Over. HOUSTON: You're clear, Tran-
 pause.)
 HOUSTON: Roger that. You're
 quility. Proceed. Over.
 clear for T1, walkingon lhe, TRANQUILITY: Can see the| TRANQUILITY: Holy 〔pause)
 Lunar Module ootpads de- living (long pause) fuck. (Long man on the moon added.
 Roger, no fucking doubt about rom the planet around which
 it," Mission Controller Peterthis celestial body orbits, will
 Lovell replied. A-fucking-fir- rest undisturbed on this spot for
 HOUSTON: You're cleared to, the goddamned moon· (Long| copy?
 Conveyor. To walk (pause HOUSTON: We read you. Over ing believing this? Over
 fucking walk on the moon. TRANQUILITY: Footpads depHOUSTON: We read you. Over
 Eight minutes later, as Armholy living tuck. Can you believe
 E CAN PUT A MAN ON THE
 tou uieeakendMOON, BUT WE CAN'T BOMB
 TRANQUILITY: LEC attached.
 Surface is powdery. One more lutely am standing on the sur-
 pause.) I'm hypervnlating.talking to you from the god-
 HOUSTON: Everything okay,Hold on.
 r. (lang0ujSsriotinchskn bastA TINY ASIAN NATION INTO
 the ladder. Can see the Eath, TRANQUILITY: I'm on the bot- THANQUILITY Holy mother
 THE STONE AGE?
A newspaper from July 21st, 1969

A newspaper from July 21st, 1969

Ass, Bad, and Beautiful: teaboot I swear to God I'm going to kill my pothead stoner asshole neighbors. This apartment has no fucking air circulation and it's hot as Lucifer's tits in here so I open window and it's fucking 25/7around-the-clock goddamned fucking CLOUDS of fucking weed coming up the side of the building, fucking hotboxes by proxy two stories up. Holy fuck. Holy fuck. Like I could not physically give less of a steaming shit that they're smoking pot, I don't care, I don't give a FUUUUCK, but it's a beautiful 3 in the afternoon or pouring rain at 1 AM and ITS PRECIPITATING WEED SWEAT IN MY LIVIBG ROOM I swear to God they're just chucking it by the kilo onto the barbecue at this point. They've got to be hosting a fucking White Trash Bob Marley revival tour on their fucking balcony and broadcasting it live to Hoboken They're doing a goddamned kush marathon fundraiser to raise awareness for discontinued Doritos flavours I can hear them coughing smoke. FROM MY BATHROOM Every so often I hear a loud ass *wheeeeze*, and I pray to the Lord that one of them has finally Gone Home To Jesus There is no reason in the entire known universe for three people to consume this much fucking devil lettuce per day. They should be dead. They're going to be the first known death caused by a marijuana overdose I cannot overstate how bad it smells When I open my window, I'm immediately astral-projected into the body of a 43 year old blonde woman with dreadlocks named Amethystglow Phoenixfire. She has an OM tattoo on top of her left foot and sells decorative gourds online. Her "spirit animal" is a tiger. She has a rescue dog and feeds it on a strict vegan diet. She doesn't believe in soap An hour later I emerge from my vision wearing a triple X size mumu, one burkinstock, and a Lulu lemon headband. I didn't own a bongo before, but I do now teaboot I promised my mama I wouldn't grow up to be a violet person but Its past midnight on a Thursday and I'm about to go downstairs and strangle these shit spewing smog muppets with my own two bare hands teaboot I have to get up at 6 AM for work tomorrow morning and I'm going to have to walk past a crime scene that looks like three oily sheepdogs were beaten to death by Oscar the grouch and I'm going to have to pretend I have no idea what happened teaboot I'm so fucking high right now teaboot HOLY FUCK THIS IS STILL MY LIFE BUT ON THE BRIGHT SIDE THEIR COUGHS ARE NOW A LONG, WHISTLING WHEEZE SO MAYBE GOD IS HERE TO INTERVENE Source: teaboot The neighbors are doing the weed.
Ass, Bad, and Beautiful: teaboot
 I swear to God I'm going to kill my pothead
 stoner asshole neighbors. This apartment
 has no fucking air circulation and it's hot as
 Lucifer's tits in here so I open window and it's
 fucking 25/7around-the-clock goddamned
 fucking CLOUDS of fucking weed coming up
 the side of the building, fucking hotboxes by
 proxy two stories up. Holy fuck. Holy fuck.
 Like I could not physically give less of a
 steaming shit that they're smoking pot, I
 don't care, I don't give a FUUUUCK, but it's a
 beautiful 3 in the afternoon or pouring rain at
 1 AM and ITS PRECIPITATING WEED SWEAT
 IN MY LIVIBG ROOM
 I swear to God they're just chucking it by the
 kilo onto the barbecue at this point.
 They've got to be hosting a fucking White
 Trash Bob Marley revival tour on their fucking
 balcony and broadcasting it live to Hoboken
 They're doing a goddamned kush
 marathon fundraiser to raise awareness for
 discontinued Doritos flavours
 I can hear them coughing smoke. FROM MY
 BATHROOM
 Every so often I hear a loud ass *wheeeeze*,
 and I pray to the Lord that one of them has
 finally Gone Home To Jesus
 There is no reason in the entire known
 universe for three people to consume this
 much fucking devil lettuce per day. They
 should be dead. They're going to be the first
 known death caused by a marijuana overdose
 I cannot overstate how bad it smells
 When I open my window, I'm immediately
 astral-projected into the body of a 43 year
 old blonde woman with dreadlocks named
 Amethystglow Phoenixfire. She has an
 OM tattoo on top of her left foot and sells
 decorative gourds online. Her "spirit animal" is
 a tiger. She has a rescue dog and feeds it on a
 strict vegan diet. She doesn't believe in soap
 An hour later I emerge from my vision wearing
 a triple X size mumu, one burkinstock, and a
 Lulu lemon headband. I didn't own a bongo
 before, but I do now
 teaboot
 I promised my mama I wouldn't grow up to
 be a violet person but Its past midnight on a
 Thursday and I'm about to go downstairs and
 strangle these shit spewing smog muppets
 with my own two bare hands
 teaboot
 I have to get up at 6 AM for work tomorrow
 morning and I'm going to have to walk past
 a crime scene that looks like three oily
 sheepdogs were beaten to death by Oscar the
 grouch and I'm going to have to pretend I have
 no idea what happened
 teaboot
 I'm so fucking high right now
 teaboot
 HOLY FUCK THIS IS STILL MY LIFE BUT ON
 THE BRIGHT SIDE THEIR COUGHS ARE NOW
 A LONG, WHISTLING WHEEZE SO MAYBE
 GOD IS HERE TO INTERVENE
 Source: teaboot
The neighbors are doing the weed.

The neighbors are doing the weed.

Target, Tumblr, and Blog: aphtrashbin: i just gotta say, that hoyl sufck, Prussia and austria are so goddamned short compared to hungary in this image edit, and i absolutely adore it.
Target, Tumblr, and Blog: aphtrashbin:

i just gotta say, that hoyl sufck,
Prussia and austria are so goddamned short compared to hungary in this image edit, and i absolutely adore it.

aphtrashbin: i just gotta say, that hoyl sufck, Prussia and austria are so goddamned short compared to hungary in this image edit, and i ab...

Empire, Fall, and Food: Dear Guy Who Just Made My ntruding Have you ever been to earth? On earth, we use the word "burrito" to describe a tortilla filled with things you eat. Pretty simple stuff, and I'm surprised you at least got that part right. My burrito was, in fact filled with food. In this, you and I agree and are friends. But this is also where my lifelong hatred begins for you and anyone else whose brain has been repeatedly scrubbed with the same mixture of bleach and Pop Rocks as yours has. Because that should have killed you, but left you around long enough to do what you did to me today. Let me explain: Let me further explain: Burritos are eaten from one end to the other So that means when you assemble a burrito with motherfucking ZONES of ingredient:s going that direction, you create a disgusting experience for the burrito's end user. Whern you make a burrito, you should put the ingredi- ents in layerslengthwise. That way, every bite has AT LEAST A FUCKING CHANCE of getting at least two types of ingredients, and there is trapped in a goddamned cilantro cavern. Have you ever eaten one of the things you make all fucking day? You should try one They are pretty good WHEN YOU ARE NOT WILLING YOURSELF THROUGH THE FUCKING EMPIRE OF SOUR CREAM ONLY TO END UP IN LETTUCE COUNTRY When you eat a burrito, you don't stand it up and bite down on it lengthwise like a fucking Rancor. Humans can't usually dislocate their jaws, and I'm not a fucking pelican. But you must think that's how it's done, since that would be THE ONLY FUCKING WAY to take a bite of your crapstrosity and have it taste like And guess what else, player? You probably can't guess anything, because I'm pretty sure you're just a mop with a hat on it that fell over and spilled some shit into a tortilla, but just in case, here's what: Humans also don't eat burritos like fucking corn on the cob. Like a fucking typewriter from one end to the other a little at a time and then DING next line. But today I wish I had tried that, Because at least THEN would be able to eat some rice, then beans, then be all like HEY BEANS I'LL BE RIGHT BACK JUST GOING OVER HERE TO THE GUACAMOLE FOR Nope My experience was more like HEY BEANS ITS JUST GOING TO BE YOU AND IFOR A MINUTE UNTILI CAN FUCKING EXCAVATE THE RICE FROM BENEATH YOU BUT BY THEN YOU WILL BE A FADING MEMORY OH HEY I WAS WRONG I'M IN THE FUCKING CHEESEOSPHERE NOW RICE MUST BE NEXT I HOPE IT'S NOT ANOTHER FUCKING SALSA POCKET You built this thing like a fucking pack of And don't even fucking think I'm about to open this shit up and re engineer your nonsense 90 degrees. IALREADY PUT A HOLE IN IT WITH MY FUCKING MOUTH. YEAH. THATS HOWI DISCOVERED YOU FUCKING SUCK AT LOOK ING AT THINGS. I AM NOT GOING TO DO FUCKING TORTILLA ORIGAMI TO GET THIS SHIT BACK TOGETHER, ONLY TO END UP WITH A BURRITO THAT'S BEEN SHOT IN THE GUT AND IS BLEEDING YOUR INEPTITUDE What's that? should ask you to mix it up first next time? IS THIS JAMBA JUICE? I DONT WANT TO DRINK MY FUCKING BURRITO THROUGH A BENDY STRAW, AND I DON'T WANT A PILE OF BURRITO SOUP IN A FLOUR You're the worst thing that has ever happened to the universe, you owe everyone everywhere an apology for this burritobomination, and I hope your babies look like monkeys. UPDATE FOR EVERYONE WHO SAID JUST EAT IT WITH A FORK IDIDN'T ORDER THE FUCKING COBBURRITO SALAD If anyone ever handed me a burrito with a fork, THEY WOULD BE WEARING A BRAND NEWW BURRITO HAT FROM MY FALL COLLECTION TEN SECONDS LATER That's like buying a car and having them hand you a fucking wrench with the keys. Like YEAH WE KNOW THIS MOTHERFUCKER'S GOING TO EXPLODE AND BE SPREAD ACROSS EIGHT LANES AS SOON AS YOU HIT THE GAS, BUT SHIT, WE GAVE YOUA WRENCH, SO BE COOL Jesus already gave me two burrito forks. One at the end of each arm. They're caⅡed fucking A fork. My god.I haven't cried sinceI was six, now People eat burritos with forks? God is sorry he made us. The absolute worst way to make a burrito
Empire, Fall, and Food: Dear Guy Who Just Made My
 ntruding
 Have you ever been to earth?
 On earth, we use the word "burrito" to describe
 a tortilla filled with things you eat. Pretty
 simple stuff, and I'm surprised you at least
 got that part right. My burrito was, in fact
 filled with food. In this, you and I agree and
 are friends. But this is also where my lifelong
 hatred begins for you and anyone else whose
 brain has been repeatedly scrubbed with the
 same mixture of bleach and Pop Rocks as
 yours has. Because that should have killed
 you, but left you around long enough to do
 what you did to me today. Let me explain:
 Let me further explain:
 Burritos are eaten from one end to the other
 So that means when you assemble a burrito
 with motherfucking ZONES of ingredient:s
 going that direction, you create a disgusting
 experience for the burrito's end user. Whern
 you make a burrito, you should put the ingredi-
 ents in layerslengthwise. That way, every bite
 has AT LEAST A FUCKING CHANCE of getting
 at least two types of ingredients, and there is
 trapped in a goddamned cilantro cavern.
 Have you ever eaten one of the things you
 make all fucking day? You should try one
 They are pretty good WHEN YOU ARE NOT
 WILLING YOURSELF THROUGH THE FUCKING
 EMPIRE OF SOUR CREAM ONLY TO END UP
 IN LETTUCE COUNTRY
 When you eat a burrito, you don't stand it up
 and bite down on it lengthwise like a fucking
 Rancor. Humans can't usually dislocate their
 jaws, and I'm not a fucking pelican. But you
 must think that's how it's done, since that
 would be THE ONLY FUCKING WAY to take a
 bite of your crapstrosity and have it taste like
 And guess what else, player? You probably
 can't guess anything, because I'm pretty sure
 you're just a mop with a hat on it that fell over
 and spilled some shit into a tortilla, but just in
 case, here's what:
 Humans also don't eat burritos like fucking
 corn on the cob. Like a fucking typewriter
 from one end to the other a little at a time and
 then DING next line. But today I wish I had
 tried that, Because at least THEN would be
 able to eat some rice, then beans, then be all
 like HEY BEANS I'LL BE RIGHT BACK JUST
 GOING OVER HERE TO THE GUACAMOLE FOR
 Nope
 My experience was more like HEY BEANS
 ITS JUST GOING TO BE YOU AND IFOR A
 MINUTE UNTILI CAN FUCKING EXCAVATE
 THE RICE FROM BENEATH YOU BUT BY
 THEN YOU WILL BE A FADING MEMORY OH
 HEY I WAS WRONG I'M IN THE FUCKING
 CHEESEOSPHERE NOW RICE MUST BE NEXT
 I HOPE IT'S NOT ANOTHER FUCKING SALSA
 POCKET
 You built this thing like a fucking pack of
 And don't even fucking think I'm about to open
 this shit up and re engineer your nonsense 90
 degrees. IALREADY PUT A HOLE IN IT WITH
 MY FUCKING MOUTH. YEAH. THATS HOWI
 DISCOVERED YOU FUCKING SUCK AT LOOK
 ING AT THINGS. I AM NOT GOING TO DO
 FUCKING TORTILLA ORIGAMI TO GET THIS
 SHIT BACK TOGETHER, ONLY TO END UP
 WITH A BURRITO THAT'S BEEN SHOT IN THE
 GUT AND IS BLEEDING YOUR INEPTITUDE
 What's that? should ask you to mix it up first
 next time? IS THIS JAMBA JUICE? I DONT
 WANT TO DRINK MY FUCKING BURRITO
 THROUGH A BENDY STRAW, AND I DON'T
 WANT A PILE OF BURRITO SOUP IN A FLOUR
 You're the worst thing that has ever happened
 to the universe, you owe everyone everywhere
 an apology for this burritobomination, and I
 hope your babies look like monkeys.
 UPDATE FOR EVERYONE WHO SAID JUST
 EAT IT WITH A FORK
 IDIDN'T ORDER THE FUCKING COBBURRITO
 SALAD
 If anyone ever handed me a burrito with a fork,
 THEY WOULD BE WEARING A BRAND NEWW
 BURRITO HAT FROM MY FALL COLLECTION
 TEN SECONDS LATER
 That's like buying a car and having them hand
 you a fucking wrench with the keys. Like
 YEAH WE KNOW THIS MOTHERFUCKER'S
 GOING TO EXPLODE AND BE SPREAD
 ACROSS EIGHT LANES AS SOON AS YOU
 HIT THE GAS, BUT SHIT, WE GAVE YOUA
 WRENCH, SO BE COOL
 Jesus already gave me two burrito forks. One
 at the end of each arm. They're caⅡed fucking
 A fork. My god.I haven't cried sinceI was six,
 now
 People eat burritos with forks?
 God is sorry he made us.
The absolute worst way to make a burrito

The absolute worst way to make a burrito