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Apparently, Bitch, and Dude: Hacker Scripts Based on a true story. xoox: OK, so, our build engineer has left for another company. The dude was literally living inside the terminal. You know that type of a guy who loves Vim, creates diagrams in Dot and writes wiki-posts in Markdown... I fsomething- anything requires more than 90 seconds of his time, he writes a script to automate that. xxoc: So we're sitting here, looking through his, uhm, "legacy xxx: You're gonna love this ooc: smack-my-bitch-up.sh -sends a text message "late at work" to his wife (apparently). Automatically picks reasons from an array of strings, randomly. Runs inside a cron-job. The job fires if there are active SSH-sessions on the server after 9pm with his login xxox: kumar-asshole.sh - scans the inbox for emails from "Kumar" (a DBA at our clients). Looks for keywords like "help" trouble", "sorry" etc. If keywords are found - the script SSHes into the clients server and rolls back the staging database to the latest backup. Then sends a reply "no worries mate, be careful next time" xxx: hangover.sh - another cron-job that is set to specific dates. Sends automated emails like "not feeling well/gonna work from home" etc. Adds a random "reason" from another predefined array of strings. Fires if there are no interactive sessions on the server at 8:45am xoox: (and the oscar goes to) fucking-coffee. sh this one waits exatly 17 seconds(), then opens a telnet session to our coffee-machine (we had no frikin idea the coffee machine is on the network, runs linux and has a TCP socket up and running) and sends something like sys brew.Turns out this thing starts brewing a mid-sized half-caf latte and waits another 24 () seconds before pouring it into a cup. The timing is exactly how long it takes to walk to the machine from the dudes desk. xoxx: holy sh"t I'm keeping those I found this on an old Git account
Apparently, Bitch, and Dude: Hacker Scripts
 Based on a true story.
 xoox: OK, so, our build engineer has left for another company. The dude was literally living inside the terminal. You know
 that type of a guy who loves Vim, creates diagrams in Dot and writes wiki-posts in Markdown... I fsomething- anything
 requires more than 90 seconds of his time, he writes a script to automate that.
 xxoc: So we're sitting here, looking through his, uhm, "legacy
 xxx: You're gonna love this
 ooc: smack-my-bitch-up.sh -sends a text message "late at work" to his wife (apparently). Automatically picks reasons
 from an array of strings, randomly. Runs inside a cron-job. The job fires if there are active SSH-sessions on the server
 after 9pm with his login
 xxox: kumar-asshole.sh - scans the inbox for emails from "Kumar" (a DBA at our clients). Looks for keywords like "help"
 trouble", "sorry" etc. If keywords are found - the script SSHes into the clients server and rolls back the staging database
 to the latest backup. Then sends a reply "no worries mate, be careful next time"
 xxx: hangover.sh - another cron-job that is set to specific dates. Sends automated emails like "not feeling well/gonna
 work from home" etc. Adds a random "reason" from another predefined array of strings. Fires if there are no interactive
 sessions on the server at 8:45am
 xoox: (and the oscar goes to) fucking-coffee. sh this one waits exatly 17 seconds(), then opens a telnet session to
 our coffee-machine (we had no frikin idea the coffee machine is on the network, runs linux and has a TCP socket up and
 running) and sends something like sys brew.Turns out this thing starts brewing a mid-sized half-caf latte and waits
 another 24 () seconds before pouring it into a cup. The timing is exactly how long it takes to walk to the machine from
 the dudes desk.
 xoxx: holy sh"t I'm keeping those
I found this on an old Git account

I found this on an old Git account

Computers, Money, and Police: @Michaeligr Wanted: Computer Hacker Hi I am Michael and I am pretty sure that the bakery across the street charged me for 8 croissants yesterday even thoughI only bought 7. To avenge this injustice, I need someone to help me hack into the bakery's computer and transfer the cost of a croissant from their account to mine. If you are good at technology, be outside the bakery at 5.18pm with a computer and we can carry out my plan. Here is what it will involve e We will be dressed as bakers so that people don't get suspicious (I will bring a spare baker's hat just in case you don't have your own) OIf anyone asks us what we're doing, just say, "We own a rival bakery called Full Speed Abread and we are just checking out the competition" I have memorised the Wikipedia page on bread so if they ask any detailed questions about bread, leave it to me If they ask any questions about bread that I can't answer, I will shout "RUN" That will be the signal that our cover has been blown and we need to get out of there If you do this job right and reimburse me for the croissant, I will see to it that you are rewarded. I will NOT pay you in money because that would leave a money trail that the police could use to track us down. However, since you are so interested in computers, I will pay you in floppy disks, like the one below. And don't worry, that's not the only floppy disk that will be coming your way. There are plenty more where that came from. Michael Re: Bakery Hack Hi. Michael again from the poster above. I have just remembered that I only have one baker's hat so you will need to bring your own. Hopefully this is not a problem. If it is, I could possibly borrow the protective headgear from my uncle's beekeeper's suit and you could wear that instead? h this is not ideal but it will have to do. Michael Wanted : Computer Hacker
Computers, Money, and Police: @Michaeligr
 Wanted: Computer Hacker
 Hi I am Michael and I am pretty sure that the bakery across
 the street charged me for 8 croissants yesterday even thoughI
 only bought 7. To avenge this injustice, I need someone to
 help me hack into the bakery's computer and transfer the cost
 of a croissant from their account to mine. If you are good at
 technology, be outside the bakery at 5.18pm with a computer
 and we can carry out my plan. Here is what it will involve
 e We will be dressed as bakers so that people don't get
 suspicious (I will bring a spare baker's hat just in case you
 don't have your own)
 OIf anyone asks us what we're doing, just say, "We own a
 rival bakery called Full Speed Abread and we are just
 checking out the competition"
 I have memorised the Wikipedia page on bread so if they
 ask any detailed questions about bread, leave it to me
 If they ask any questions about bread that I can't answer, I
 will shout "RUN" That will be the signal that our cover
 has been blown and we need to get out of there
 If you do this job right and reimburse me for the croissant, I
 will see to it that you are rewarded. I will NOT pay you in
 money because that would leave a money trail that the police
 could use to track us down. However, since you are so
 interested in computers, I will pay you in floppy disks, like
 the one below. And don't worry, that's not the only floppy disk
 that will be coming your way. There are plenty more where
 that came from.
 Michael
 Re: Bakery Hack
 Hi. Michael again from the poster above. I have just
 remembered that I only have one baker's hat so you will need
 to bring your own. Hopefully this is not a problem. If it is, I
 could possibly borrow the protective headgear from my
 uncle's beekeeper's suit and you could wear that instead? h
 this is not ideal but it will have to do.
 Michael
Wanted : Computer Hacker

Wanted : Computer Hacker

Computers, Money, and Police: @Michaeligr Wanted: Computer Hacker Hi I am Michael and I am pretty sure that the bakery across the street charged me for 8 croissants yesterday even thoughI only bought 7. To avenge this injustice, I need someone to help me hack into the bakery's computer and transfer the cost of a croissant from their account to mine. If you are good at technology, be outside the bakery at 5.18pm with a computer and we can carry out my plan. Here is what it will involve e We will be dressed as bakers so that people don't get suspicious (I will bring a spare baker's hat just in case you don't have your own) OIf anyone asks us what we're doing, just say, "We own a rival bakery called Full Speed Abread and we are just checking out the competition" I have memorised the Wikipedia page on bread so if they ask any detailed questions about bread, leave it to me If they ask any questions about bread that I can't answer, I will shout "RUN" That will be the signal that our cover has been blown and we need to get out of there If you do this job right and reimburse me for the croissant, I will see to it that you are rewarded. I will NOT pay you in money because that would leave a money trail that the police could use to track us down. However, since you are so interested in computers, I will pay you in floppy disks, like the one below. And don't worry, that's not the only floppy disk that will be coming your way. There are plenty more where that came from. Michael Re: Bakery Hack Hi. Michael again from the poster above. I have just remembered that I only have one baker's hat so you will need to bring your own. Hopefully this is not a problem. If it is, I could possibly borrow the protective headgear from my uncle's beekeeper's suit and you could wear that instead? h this is not ideal but it will have to do. Michael Help me hack a bakery
Computers, Money, and Police: @Michaeligr
 Wanted: Computer Hacker
 Hi I am Michael and I am pretty sure that the bakery across
 the street charged me for 8 croissants yesterday even thoughI
 only bought 7. To avenge this injustice, I need someone to
 help me hack into the bakery's computer and transfer the cost
 of a croissant from their account to mine. If you are good at
 technology, be outside the bakery at 5.18pm with a computer
 and we can carry out my plan. Here is what it will involve
 e We will be dressed as bakers so that people don't get
 suspicious (I will bring a spare baker's hat just in case you
 don't have your own)
 OIf anyone asks us what we're doing, just say, "We own a
 rival bakery called Full Speed Abread and we are just
 checking out the competition"
 I have memorised the Wikipedia page on bread so if they
 ask any detailed questions about bread, leave it to me
 If they ask any questions about bread that I can't answer, I
 will shout "RUN" That will be the signal that our cover
 has been blown and we need to get out of there
 If you do this job right and reimburse me for the croissant, I
 will see to it that you are rewarded. I will NOT pay you in
 money because that would leave a money trail that the police
 could use to track us down. However, since you are so
 interested in computers, I will pay you in floppy disks, like
 the one below. And don't worry, that's not the only floppy disk
 that will be coming your way. There are plenty more where
 that came from.
 Michael
 Re: Bakery Hack
 Hi. Michael again from the poster above. I have just
 remembered that I only have one baker's hat so you will need
 to bring your own. Hopefully this is not a problem. If it is, I
 could possibly borrow the protective headgear from my
 uncle's beekeeper's suit and you could wear that instead? h
 this is not ideal but it will have to do.
 Michael
Help me hack a bakery

Help me hack a bakery

Computers, Money, and Police: @Michaeligr Wanted: Computer Hacker Hi I am Michael and I am pretty sure that the bakery across the street charged me for 8 croissants yesterday even thoughI only bought 7. To avenge this injustice, I need someone to help me hack into the bakery's computer and transfer the cost of a croissant from their account to mine. If you are good at technology, be outside the bakery at 5.18pm with a computer and we can carry out my plan. Here is what it will involve e We will be dressed as bakers so that people don't get suspicious (I will bring a spare baker's hat just in case you don't have your own) OIf anyone asks us what we're doing, just say, "We own a rival bakery called Full Speed Abread and we are just checking out the competition" I have memorised the Wikipedia page on bread so if they ask any detailed questions about bread, leave it to me If they ask any questions about bread that I can't answer, I will shout "RUN" That will be the signal that our cover has been blown and we need to get out of there If you do this job right and reimburse me for the croissant, I will see to it that you are rewarded. I will NOT pay you in money because that would leave a money trail that the police could use to track us down. However, since you are so interested in computers, I will pay you in floppy disks, like the one below. And don't worry, that's not the only floppy disk that will be coming your way. There are plenty more where that came from. Michael Re: Bakery Hack Hi. Michael again from the poster above. I have just remembered that I only have one baker's hat so you will need to bring your own. Hopefully this is not a problem. If it is, I could possibly borrow the protective headgear from my uncle's beekeeper's suit and you could wear that instead? h this is not ideal but it will have to do. Michael Wanted : Computer Hacker
Computers, Money, and Police: @Michaeligr
 Wanted: Computer Hacker
 Hi I am Michael and I am pretty sure that the bakery across
 the street charged me for 8 croissants yesterday even thoughI
 only bought 7. To avenge this injustice, I need someone to
 help me hack into the bakery's computer and transfer the cost
 of a croissant from their account to mine. If you are good at
 technology, be outside the bakery at 5.18pm with a computer
 and we can carry out my plan. Here is what it will involve
 e We will be dressed as bakers so that people don't get
 suspicious (I will bring a spare baker's hat just in case you
 don't have your own)
 OIf anyone asks us what we're doing, just say, "We own a
 rival bakery called Full Speed Abread and we are just
 checking out the competition"
 I have memorised the Wikipedia page on bread so if they
 ask any detailed questions about bread, leave it to me
 If they ask any questions about bread that I can't answer, I
 will shout "RUN" That will be the signal that our cover
 has been blown and we need to get out of there
 If you do this job right and reimburse me for the croissant, I
 will see to it that you are rewarded. I will NOT pay you in
 money because that would leave a money trail that the police
 could use to track us down. However, since you are so
 interested in computers, I will pay you in floppy disks, like
 the one below. And don't worry, that's not the only floppy disk
 that will be coming your way. There are plenty more where
 that came from.
 Michael
 Re: Bakery Hack
 Hi. Michael again from the poster above. I have just
 remembered that I only have one baker's hat so you will need
 to bring your own. Hopefully this is not a problem. If it is, I
 could possibly borrow the protective headgear from my
 uncle's beekeeper's suit and you could wear that instead? h
 this is not ideal but it will have to do.
 Michael
Wanted : Computer Hacker

Wanted : Computer Hacker

Computers, Money, and Police: @Michaeligr Wanted: Computer Hacker Hi I am Michael and I am pretty sure that the bakery across the street charged me for 8 croissants yesterday even thoughI only bought 7. To avenge this injustice, I need someone to help me hack into the bakery's computer and transfer the cost of a croissant from their account to mine. If you are good at technology, be outside the bakery at 5.18pm with a computer and we can carry out my plan. Here is what it will involve e We will be dressed as bakers so that people don't get suspicious (I will bring a spare baker's hat just in case you don't have your own) OIf anyone asks us what we're doing, just say, "We own a rival bakery called Full Speed Abread and we are just checking out the competition" I have memorised the Wikipedia page on bread so if they ask any detailed questions about bread, leave it to me If they ask any questions about bread that I can't answer, I will shout "RUN" That will be the signal that our cover has been blown and we need to get out of there If you do this job right and reimburse me for the croissant, I will see to it that you are rewarded. I will NOT pay you in money because that would leave a money trail that the police could use to track us down. However, since you are so interested in computers, I will pay you in floppy disks, like the one below. And don't worry, that's not the only floppy disk that will be coming your way. There are plenty more where that came from. Michael Re: Bakery Hack Hi. Michael again from the poster above. I have just remembered that I only have one baker's hat so you will need to bring your own. Hopefully this is not a problem. If it is, I could possibly borrow the protective headgear from my uncle's beekeeper's suit and you could wear that instead? h this is not ideal but it will have to do. Michael Wanted : Computer Hacker
Computers, Money, and Police: @Michaeligr
 Wanted: Computer Hacker
 Hi I am Michael and I am pretty sure that the bakery across
 the street charged me for 8 croissants yesterday even thoughI
 only bought 7. To avenge this injustice, I need someone to
 help me hack into the bakery's computer and transfer the cost
 of a croissant from their account to mine. If you are good at
 technology, be outside the bakery at 5.18pm with a computer
 and we can carry out my plan. Here is what it will involve
 e We will be dressed as bakers so that people don't get
 suspicious (I will bring a spare baker's hat just in case you
 don't have your own)
 OIf anyone asks us what we're doing, just say, "We own a
 rival bakery called Full Speed Abread and we are just
 checking out the competition"
 I have memorised the Wikipedia page on bread so if they
 ask any detailed questions about bread, leave it to me
 If they ask any questions about bread that I can't answer, I
 will shout "RUN" That will be the signal that our cover
 has been blown and we need to get out of there
 If you do this job right and reimburse me for the croissant, I
 will see to it that you are rewarded. I will NOT pay you in
 money because that would leave a money trail that the police
 could use to track us down. However, since you are so
 interested in computers, I will pay you in floppy disks, like
 the one below. And don't worry, that's not the only floppy disk
 that will be coming your way. There are plenty more where
 that came from.
 Michael
 Re: Bakery Hack
 Hi. Michael again from the poster above. I have just
 remembered that I only have one baker's hat so you will need
 to bring your own. Hopefully this is not a problem. If it is, I
 could possibly borrow the protective headgear from my
 uncle's beekeeper's suit and you could wear that instead? h
 this is not ideal but it will have to do.
 Michael
Wanted : Computer Hacker

Wanted : Computer Hacker