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Dude, Fafsa, and Lawyer: Can you marry me 5:01 PM I just got back from my school and they said they cannot give me any aid except for unsubsidised loans unless l have a child, get married, or turn 24, so I have to get married Yeah ok I'll marry you I need a better fafsa application too Wait seriously Would you really do it Im doing actual research on it Are we doing this It would have to happen like lightning fast cause my next semester happens pretty damn soon I don't know how fast this happens lemme check Ughhhh okay so we'd need to get a marriage license which can be up to $30 depending on where we get it, and THEN we need to file for a marriage certificate I'm an ordained minister but idk if I could file my own marriage certificate get ordained and do it Can we go to Indiana? Let me check Dude Im so excited Its possible that I can get FAFSA to pay for an entire apartment for me to go to school in Milwaukee DUDE WHAT Okay so there's no minister registration required in lllinois so Yeah I'm looking that up right now Ive heard that if one partner commits adultery, thats grounds for a quicker divorce Yeah this sample form I'm looking at says "irretrievable breakdown" of marriage Worse comes to worse we can stage a fight but I think we can just say yeah it's not working out Does it include adultery divorce ranging from $15,000 to $30,000. Most of this money is spent on legal fees. So Fuck lawyers We don't need a lawyer We don't have kids we don't have property to divide up Oh thats only for a lawyer We don't have alimony to negotiate We're just two guys being dudes. Gettin a divorce portraitofemmy: possiblestoner: marzipanandminutiae: A. imagine your otp B. dear gods this country has massive issues I’ve been looking for this post for ages listen, I’ve read enough fanfic to know that they’re not getting divorced, but it’ll take about 35k of pining to figure that out.
Dude, Fafsa, and Lawyer: Can you marry me
 5:01 PM
 I just got back from my school
 and they said they cannot give
 me any aid except for
 unsubsidised loans unless l
 have a child, get married, or
 turn 24, so I have to get married
 Yeah ok I'll marry you I need a
 better fafsa application too
 Wait seriously
 Would you really do it
 Im doing actual research on it

 Are we doing this
 It would have to happen like
 lightning fast cause my next
 semester happens pretty
 damn soon
 I don't know how fast this
 happens lemme check
 Ughhhh okay so we'd need to get
 a marriage license which can be
 up to $30 depending on where we
 get it, and THEN we need to file
 for a marriage certificate
 I'm an ordained minister but idk if
 I could file my own marriage
 certificate

 get ordained and do it
 Can we go to Indiana?
 Let me check
 Dude Im so excited
 Its possible that I can get
 FAFSA to pay for an entire
 apartment for me to go to
 school in Milwaukee
 DUDE WHAT
 Okay so there's no minister
 registration required in lllinois so

 Yeah I'm looking that up right
 now
 Ive heard that if one partner
 commits adultery, thats
 grounds for a quicker divorce
 Yeah this sample form I'm
 looking at says "irretrievable
 breakdown" of marriage
 Worse comes to worse we can
 stage a fight but I think we can
 just say yeah it's not working out
 Does it include adultery

 divorce ranging from $15,000
 to $30,000. Most of this money
 is spent on legal fees.
 So Fuck lawyers
 We don't need a lawyer
 We don't have kids we don't have
 property to divide up
 Oh thats only for a lawyer
 We don't have alimony to
 negotiate
 We're just two guys being dudes.
 Gettin a divorce
portraitofemmy:

possiblestoner:

marzipanandminutiae:

A. imagine your otp
B. dear gods this country has massive issues

I’ve been looking for this post for ages

listen, I’ve read enough fanfic to know that they’re not getting divorced, but it’ll take about 35k of pining to figure that out.

portraitofemmy: possiblestoner: marzipanandminutiae: A. imagine your otp B. dear gods this country has massive issues I’ve been looking ...

Girls, Journey, and Run: Anonymous 01/23/19(Wed)04:49:15 No.12460541 insisted on knowing why my three- chapter submission to a literary agent was rejected >his assistant finally responded telling me the book was "overly fetishistic and lacked any kind of nuance or relationship with reality" 7 KB PNG asked her if I could edit what l'd sent them and submit it again with minor changes no response How do you even appeal to literary agents in this day and age? l he entire industry seems so rgged against anvbody with any originality or capacity for sincere expression :Anonymous 01/23/19(Wed)06:04:43 No.12460726 >>12460704 # A novel from the perspective of a boy who is crushed in his father's concrete plant and turns into a paving stone. It is his journey from there into the city where he observes a great many things as he observes the changes in the area where he is laid along a stretch of pavement, e.g romances, break ups, quarrels, gentrification etc. He learns to deal with people dropping chewing gum and cigarette butts onto him, and struggles emotionally when the street becomes run-down and more heavy-footed unkind people trample over him day and night. The story ends on a positive note, as he is transported to a seafront and reset on the pavement adjoining a beach, where barefoot girls and so on walk on him instead, making him happier and turning him into a man, so to speak. >>12460735 # >>12460736 # >>12460748 # >>12460752 # >>12460760 # >>12460789 # >>12460960 # >>12461047 # >>12461111 # >>12461154 # >>12461186 # >>12461234 # >>12461271 # >>12461440 # >>12461492 # >>12461521 # >>12461537 # >>12461627
Girls, Journey, and Run: Anonymous
 01/23/19(Wed)04:49:15 No.12460541
 insisted on knowing why my three-
 chapter submission to a literary agent
 was rejected
 >his assistant finally responded telling
 me the book was "overly fetishistic and
 lacked any kind of nuance or relationship
 with reality"
 7 KB PNG
 asked her if I could edit what l'd sent them and submit it
 again with minor changes
 no response
 How do you even appeal to literary agents in this day and
 age? l he entire industry seems so rgged against
 anvbody with any originality or capacity for sincere
 expression

 :Anonymous
 01/23/19(Wed)06:04:43 No.12460726
 >>12460704 #
 A novel from the perspective of a boy who is crushed in
 his father's concrete plant and turns into a paving stone. It
 is his journey from there into the city where he observes a
 great many things as he observes the changes in the
 area where he is laid along a stretch of pavement, e.g
 romances, break ups, quarrels, gentrification etc. He
 learns to deal with people dropping chewing gum and
 cigarette butts onto him, and struggles emotionally when
 the street becomes run-down and more heavy-footed
 unkind people trample over him day and night. The story
 ends on a positive note, as he is transported to a seafront
 and reset on the pavement adjoining a beach, where
 barefoot girls and so on walk on him instead, making him
 happier and turning him into a man, so to speak.
 >>12460735 # >>12460736 # >>12460748 # >>12460752 # >>12460760 #
 >>12460789 # >>12460960 # >>12461047 # >>12461111 # >>12461154 #
 >>12461186 # >>12461234 # >>12461271 # >>12461440 # >>12461492 #
 >>12461521 # >>12461537 # >>12461627
Advice, Confused, and Disappointed: alexaloraetheris: Reasons I believe my friend is secretly some kind of deity 1) First time we spoke was a week after the beggining of freshman year she summed up my entire character and most of the events of my life Sherlock style. I asked her how the hell she knew all that. She just shrugged and said she figured out our entire class already 1 2) The one time we had religion class instead of ethics she listened to the teacher for a few minutes, laughed and told me "Humans have wished to be gods so much they've forgotten they have to ability to create them. Imagination has truly suffered from this monotheism stuff." I was confused and asked her if she was an atheist. She rolled her eyes and said Oh I believe in god alright. I just don't think the bastard deserves to be worshipped." 3) Out of nowhere she gave me this advice The only truth a liar ever told was that lies weren't going to save you. Don't become the liar who has to pass that wisdom on, because they speak from experience 4) To this day, she has one of those old-timey phones with buttons she only uses to ocassionally call someone. When I asked her why she never got a smartphone she got pouty: "I hate social media. On Facebook they talk a lot but never say anything. If I wanted to listen to people moan about their problems and ask for help they don't expect l'd listen to their prayers." (Notice the choice of words) 5) I noticed she was stiff and I offered her a massage since I'm really good at it but when i started kneading her back I swear to this day those were not muscles I felt. I asked her what she did to turn her muscles into rocks covered with a thin layer of skin and she kinda froze then shrugged and said she was just really, really stiff. My hands hurt after ten minutes when I can usually go for an hour. Next time I offered she seemed surprised and laughed. She still has rocks for muscles 6) We were having a debate over the way neural pathways are formed (I study biology and she forensics) and I jokingly asked if I could have her brain for study when she dies. She laughed Sure, if you find a way to kill me you can have it. I'm actually curious what you're gonna find." 7) One time she was tired and miserable and I tried to comfort her. We both have really dark sense of humor so I told her she could scare the dead out of their graves with that glare. She told me the dead can't come back and I rolled my eyes and said 'obviously' but she continued When you die you descend to the underworld with nothing to lose. To keep you, they give you something to lose. When you want to return, they will demand it back. That's why nobody ever leaves. The only way out is to never enter." 8) One day she just came up to me with a disappointed look on her face When I asked her what was wrong she was quiet for a few seconds and then just told me "Betrayals committed in good intentions are still damning. Just... keep that in mind." Then she left and didn't speak to me for three days. I still don't know what she meant but even three years later I haven't forgotten it. 9) We were casually sitting on a bench when, out of nowhere, she asked me Is it just me or have humans gotten dumber? Or have they always been this stupid and I just haven't been paying attention?" 10) She asked me if I ever wondered what it was like to die. I said no but told her I would tell her when I found out. I meant it as a ghost joke but she smiled at me and said Great. I'll wait for you to come back. Maybe you'll even remember me In conclusion, she is some kind of low-key god and she lost her faith in humanity even before we lost our faith in her but she's stuck with us because immortality is a bitclh P.S. I just remembered her name is a variation on 'Eve'. Maybe l should reconsider my atheist status?! What if God was one of us?
Advice, Confused, and Disappointed: alexaloraetheris:
 Reasons I believe my friend is secretly some kind of deity
 1) First time we spoke was a week after the beggining of freshman year she
 summed up my entire character and most of the events of my life Sherlock
 style. I asked her how the hell she knew all that. She just shrugged and said
 she figured out our entire class already
 1
 2) The one time we had religion class instead of ethics she listened to the
 teacher for a few minutes, laughed and told me
 "Humans have wished to be gods so much they've forgotten they have to
 ability to create them. Imagination has truly suffered from this monotheism
 stuff."
 I was confused and asked her if she was an atheist. She rolled her eyes and
 said
 Oh I believe in god alright. I just don't think the bastard deserves to be
 worshipped."
 3) Out of nowhere she gave me this advice
 The only truth a liar ever told was that lies weren't going to save you. Don't
 become the liar who has to pass that wisdom on, because they speak from
 experience
 4) To this day, she has one of those old-timey phones with buttons she only
 uses to ocassionally call someone. When I asked her why she never got a
 smartphone she got pouty:
 "I hate social media. On Facebook they talk a lot but never say anything. If I
 wanted to listen to people moan about their problems and ask for help they
 don't expect l'd listen to their prayers." (Notice the choice of words)
 5) I noticed she was stiff and I offered her a massage since I'm really good at
 it but when i started kneading her back I swear to this day those were not
 muscles I felt. I asked her what she did to turn her muscles into rocks
 covered with a thin layer of skin and she kinda froze then shrugged and said
 she was just really, really stiff. My hands hurt after ten minutes when I can
 usually go for an hour. Next time I offered she seemed surprised and
 laughed. She still has rocks for muscles
 6) We were having a debate over the way neural pathways are formed (I
 study biology and she forensics) and I jokingly asked if I could have her brain
 for study when she dies. She laughed
 Sure, if you find a way to kill me you can have it. I'm actually curious what
 you're gonna find."
 7) One time she was tired and miserable and I tried to comfort her. We both
 have really dark sense of humor so I told her she could scare the dead out of
 their graves with that glare. She told me the dead can't come back and I
 rolled my eyes and said 'obviously' but she continued
 When you die you descend to the underworld with nothing to lose. To keep
 you, they give you something to lose. When you want to return, they will
 demand it back. That's why nobody ever leaves. The only way out is to never
 enter."
 8) One day she just came up to me with a disappointed look on her face
 When I asked her what was wrong she was quiet for a few seconds and then
 just told me
 "Betrayals committed in good intentions are still damning. Just... keep that in
 mind." Then she left and didn't speak to me for three days. I still don't know
 what she meant but even three years later I haven't forgotten it.
 9) We were casually sitting on a bench when, out of nowhere, she asked me
 Is it just me or have humans gotten dumber? Or have they always been this
 stupid and I just haven't been paying attention?"
 10) She asked me if I ever wondered what it was like to die. I said no but told
 her I would tell her when I found out. I meant it as a ghost joke but she smiled
 at me and said
 Great. I'll wait for you to come back. Maybe you'll even remember me
 In conclusion, she is some kind of low-key god and she lost her faith in
 humanity even before we lost our faith in her but she's stuck with us because
 immortality is a bitclh
 P.S. I just remembered her name is a variation on 'Eve'. Maybe l should
 reconsider my atheist status?!
What if God was one of us?

What if God was one of us?

Bad, Beard, and Blessed: nOrma1-people-sxare-me A group of rough looking boys walked past me today and all I heard of their conversation was "he's got that anxiety disorder bro so I went with him so he'd be more comfortable and it made me realise the world isn't all that bad fitzefitcher #this is team skull its-just-a-phage The pet store I worked at had a pen with rabbits near the front door. On every side of the pen were huge signs saying You can pet me, but don't pick me up!" One day two absolutely huge guys came in and one immediately reaches into the pen to grab a rabbit. Before i could say anything his friend grabbed his arm and asked him "did you see the sign? He said "yeah! it says that you can pick them up but don't pet them! Then he went quiet for a moment and softly said "l didn't read it right did 1? And his friend just puts his arm on his shoulder and said "its ok, i know you've got that thing where words get mixed up. Let just pet these cute lil shits" And I still haven't gotten over that interaction. flowernstt I was walking my dog through Boston bc he likes the likes car rides. He's a little thing tbh we call him short and long So this huge scary man with a full beard approaches me like "hey can my buddy and I pet your dog? He gets nervous around dogs but your's is so small I think it's a good place to start" Ofc I was like "yes he's very friendly!" So this guy brings his equally big friend over and they sit on the floor while this man looks terrified of my tiny dog so big man number one asks "can I pick him up?" And i say yes so he picks him up and puts him on man number two's lap and man number two is abt to freak out and his friend straight up just goes "hey man, it's okay just relax lI'd never let anything hurt you. He's a good boy." I'll never forget it ever bc I know that man looked at me (5'3, glasses, probably wearing a sweater vest) and my dog (kinda goofy looking little thing) and was like 'ah yes the two least intimidating living things l've seen in Boston all day he'll feel relaxed around them and went out of his way to help his friend. It makes me so happy anotherdayforchaosfay My husband had this Dungeons and Dragons group ages ago, and one of the guys was TERRIFIED of cats. The moment he sees one he freezes up and can barely breathe. Said guy is almost seven feet tall and solid wall of muscle Whenever he came over l'd put the cats in the bedroom and chill out with a book because my cats don't like being shut away without one of us One of my cats was pawing at the door and meowing loudly, an indication she REALLY needs to use the litter box. I let her out and decide, hey, I'm hungry and decide to the kitchen. I forgot to shut the bedroom door. Next thing I hear is the group going completely silent. My husband very calmly asks me to come over and help him gather our two cats up. I go over to where the group is and my black cat, Cacoa, is rubbing up against the guy's leg purring, and doing her "let me on your lap meow. The other cat, Jasper, is sitting at the window, chilling out. I go over and pick up Cacoa and tell the big dude she's harmless, loves laps, and would be thrilled if he pet her. Very slowly he touches my cat's face, and she leans right into his hand. He then pets her back and sighs because she's really soft and purring like mad. After a few minutes he asks how to pick her up and if it's okay if she sits on his lap He spent the next six hours spoiling my cat. The next week he showed up with cat treats and toys because he fell in love with the cats. He told me he was doing some research on house cats, and even talked to a vet about them. A couple months later he adopted two cats and was as thrilled and excited as a new parent. ruffboijuliaburnsides Oh no a new one!!! jack-the-lion Blessed post. anaalihelmisimpukka I used to work at this stable for icelandic horses and every now and then this man would turn up by the field to just watch the horses. One time I walked by him as I was going to get the horses inside, and he went "I always wanted to learn how to ride but I'm afraid of horses because they're so huge. If I could ride ponies like this, maybe I'd dare but now I'm too big and heavy for them." You should have seen his face when I told them that actually they're not ponies, just small horses and they could totally carry him. His face just lit up. Next thing I'm helping him to get on back. Today he knows how to ride Source:nOrma1-people-sxare-me 935,955 notes A classic collection of feel good stories (with new additions)
Bad, Beard, and Blessed: nOrma1-people-sxare-me
 A group of rough looking boys walked past me today and all I heard of their
 conversation was "he's got that anxiety disorder bro so I went with him so he'd
 be more comfortable and it made me realise the world isn't all that bad
 fitzefitcher
 #this is team skull
 its-just-a-phage
 The pet store I worked at had a pen with rabbits near the front door. On every
 side of the pen were huge signs saying You can pet me, but don't pick me up!"
 One day two absolutely huge guys came in and one immediately reaches into
 the pen to grab a rabbit. Before i could say anything his friend grabbed his arm
 and asked him "did you see the sign?
 He said "yeah! it says that you can pick them up but don't pet them!
 Then he went quiet for a moment and softly said "l didn't read it right did 1?
 And his friend just puts his arm on his shoulder and said "its ok, i know you've
 got that thing where words get mixed up. Let just pet these cute lil shits"
 And I still haven't gotten over that interaction.
 flowernstt
 I was walking my dog through Boston bc he likes the likes car rides. He's a little
 thing tbh we call him short and long
 So this huge scary man with a full beard approaches me like "hey can my buddy
 and I pet your dog? He gets nervous around dogs but your's is so small I think
 it's a good place to start"
 Ofc I was like "yes he's very friendly!" So this guy brings his equally big friend
 over and they sit on the floor while this man looks terrified of my tiny dog so big
 man number one asks "can I pick him up?" And i say yes so he picks him up and
 puts him on man number two's lap and man number two is abt to freak out and
 his friend straight up just goes "hey man, it's okay just relax lI'd never let anything
 hurt you. He's a good boy." I'll never forget it ever bc I know that man looked at
 me (5'3, glasses, probably wearing a sweater vest) and my dog (kinda goofy
 looking little thing) and was like 'ah yes the two least intimidating living things
 l've seen in Boston all day he'll feel relaxed around them and went out of his
 way to help his friend. It makes me so happy
 anotherdayforchaosfay
 My husband had this Dungeons and Dragons group ages ago, and one of the
 guys was TERRIFIED of cats. The moment he sees one he freezes up and can
 barely breathe. Said guy is almost seven feet tall and solid wall of muscle
 Whenever he came over l'd put the cats in the bedroom and chill out with a book
 because my cats don't like being shut away without one of us
 One of my cats was pawing at the door and meowing loudly, an indication she
 REALLY needs to use the litter box. I let her out and decide, hey, I'm hungry
 and decide to the kitchen. I forgot to shut the bedroom door.
 Next thing I hear is the group going completely silent. My husband very calmly
 asks me to come over and help him gather our two cats up. I go over to where
 the group is and my black cat, Cacoa, is rubbing up against the guy's leg
 purring, and doing her "let me on your lap meow. The other cat, Jasper, is
 sitting at the window, chilling out. I go over and pick up Cacoa and tell the big
 dude she's harmless, loves laps, and would be thrilled if he pet her. Very slowly
 he touches my cat's face, and she leans right into his hand. He then pets her
 back and sighs because she's really soft and purring like mad. After a few
 minutes he asks how to pick her up and if it's okay if she sits on his lap
 He spent the next six hours spoiling my cat. The next week he showed up with
 cat treats and toys because he fell in love with the cats. He told me he was
 doing some research on house cats, and even talked to a vet about them. A
 couple months later he adopted two cats and was as thrilled and excited as a
 new parent.
 ruffboijuliaburnsides
 Oh no a new one!!!
 jack-the-lion
 Blessed post.
 anaalihelmisimpukka
 I used to work at this stable for icelandic horses and every now and then this
 man would turn up by the field to just watch the horses. One time I walked by
 him as I was going to get the horses inside, and he went "I always wanted to
 learn how to ride but I'm afraid of horses because they're so huge. If I could ride
 ponies like this, maybe I'd dare but now I'm too big and heavy for them." You
 should have seen his face when I told them that actually they're not ponies, just
 small horses and they could totally carry him. His face just lit up. Next thing I'm
 helping him to get on back. Today he knows how to ride
 Source:nOrma1-people-sxare-me
 935,955 notes
A classic collection of feel good stories (with new additions)

A classic collection of feel good stories (with new additions)

Memes, 🤖, and Election: I would vote for Max II in the federal election if I could @mayormax1
Memes, 🤖, and Election: I would vote for Max II in the federal election if I could @mayormax1

I would vote for Max II in the federal election if I could @mayormax1

Cookies, Creepy, and God: themetaisawesome: tsunasty: deafonyourleft: totallytrailbreaker: skellydun: rip santa. Working in Retail in under 3 minutes i had to watch this like 5 times because of no captions but lmao if someone makes a transcript for this it would be bomb transcript:“So we have these Santas at work, right, okay? We have black and we have white Santas. And they’re like creepy, five-foot tall, lifelike animatronic… like, Santas that hold plates of cookies and milk, and they kinda look like they could wake up and come to life and murder you in your sleep– and they don’t include batteries, but we have these Santas. Like nothing screams ‘festive holiday cheer’ like a big, hulking Santa. Um. Nothin’ will jingle your jangles more.So, um, this woman comes in and she’s like, “Do you have these?” and I’m like, “Oh my god, yeah!” So a couple weeks ago we sold out of our white Santas, and we are down to like, three black Santas. And so, I take her to the aisle, I show her the Santas, and the first thing out of her mouth is, “I’m not racist, but…” and I’m like, well, I can’t– I’m not in the position to decide if you are or not, but if like– if I could use context clues and infer, uh, I would say maybe that you might be. And three, we’re talking about Santa. Like– (stuttering) did we switch subjects?And so, um, I’m in like, I– the next thing that pops out of her mouth is like, “This is not right.” and I’m like, okay, I’m sorry, but this is what the picture was. And she’s like, “No. Santa is white.” And I’m like, oh no, okay. Okay. So I’m in– I’m about to tell her, I’m like, mid-sentence, like, “I’m sorry, do you want me to go call another store, do you need me to, like, write you a raincheck just in case we we get any more.” And she’s like, “This is wrong, I want them taken down.” She interrupts me, says that, and I’m like, (pause). I like, look around, and I’m like, is she talking to me? Is this, like, my own, like, personal hell? But like, of course it is.So, um, I’m like, “I can’t take these Santas down.” And she’s like, “Why not?!” And I’m like, “You either have to buy them, or take them down yourself.” And that was like, the stupidest thing I could have ever said, because– (sighs) she takes this bag, with like, Jesus’s face, like, slammed right in the middle as a design– it’s big– she takes it off her shoulder, and starts beating these black Santas! She starts beating these Santas down, they were like, falling down… and I’m like, oh my god! What– what is happening?So like, I step in the middle of her and these Santas and I’m like, “Ma’am, ma’am, you need to leave, you need to stop, or I’m going to have to call someone.” So she like, stops, and she’s like, beet red, and like, huffin’ and puffin’, and she like, looks at me and I can tell she’s just trying to get like, a one-liner in, and she’s like, “The Santa I know is white.” And then she walks away. And I’m like, well– I’m processing what’s happening, while also thinking, like, the Santa you know? Santa’s not real. So unless you’re using an ouija board to contact good old Kris Kringle, um, from like, B.C. or whenever, I’m like, that’s pretty impressive, but how ya doin’ that. And, um, I– the last thought that ran through my mind is that, I’m like, I would hate to be in the room with her when she finds out that Jesus is not white.” ‘‘Tis the season
Cookies, Creepy, and God: themetaisawesome:

tsunasty:

deafonyourleft:

totallytrailbreaker:

skellydun:

rip santa.

Working in Retail in under 3 minutes

i had to watch this like 5 times because of no captions but lmao if someone makes a transcript for this it would be bomb

transcript:“So we have these Santas at work, right, okay? We have black and we have white Santas. And they’re like creepy, five-foot tall, lifelike animatronic… like, Santas that hold plates of cookies and milk, and they kinda look like they could wake up and come to life and murder you in your sleep– and they don’t include batteries, but we have these Santas. Like nothing screams ‘festive holiday cheer’ like a big, hulking Santa. Um. Nothin’ will jingle your jangles more.So, um, this woman comes in and she’s like, “Do you have these?” and I’m like, “Oh my god, yeah!” So a couple weeks ago we sold out of our white Santas, and we are down to like, three black Santas. And so, I take her to the aisle, I show her the Santas, and the first thing out of her mouth is, “I’m not racist, but…” and I’m like, well, I can’t– I’m not in the position to decide if you are or not, but if like– if I could use context clues and infer, uh, I would say maybe that you might be. And three, we’re talking about Santa. Like– (stuttering) did we switch subjects?And so, um, I’m in like, I– the next thing that pops out of her mouth is like, “This is not right.” and I’m like, okay, I’m sorry, but this is what the picture was. And she’s like, “No. Santa is white.” And I’m like, oh no, okay. Okay. So I’m in– I’m about to tell her, I’m like, mid-sentence, like, “I’m sorry, do you want me to go call another store, do you need me to, like, write you a raincheck just in case we we get any more.” And she’s like, “This is wrong, I want them taken down.” She interrupts me, says that, and I’m like, (pause). I like, look around, and I’m like, is she talking to me? Is this, like, my own, like, personal hell? But like, of course it is.So, um, I’m like, “I can’t take these Santas down.” And she’s like, “Why not?!” And I’m like, “You either have to buy them, or take them down yourself.” And that was like, the stupidest thing I could have ever said, because– (sighs) she takes this bag, with like, Jesus’s face, like, slammed right in the middle as a design– it’s big– she takes it off her shoulder, and starts beating these black Santas! She starts beating these Santas down, they were like, falling down… and I’m like, oh my god! What– what is happening?So like, I step in the middle of her and these Santas and I’m like, “Ma’am, ma’am, you need to leave, you need to stop, or I’m going to have to call someone.” So she like, stops, and she’s like, beet red, and like, huffin’ and puffin’, and she like, looks at me and I can tell she’s just trying to get like, a one-liner in, and she’s like, “The Santa I know is white.” And then she walks away. And I’m like, well– I’m processing what’s happening, while also thinking, like, the Santa you know? Santa’s not real. So unless you’re using an ouija board to contact good old Kris Kringle, um, from like, B.C. or whenever, I’m like, that’s pretty impressive, but how ya doin’ that. And, um, I– the last thought that ran through my mind is that, I’m like, I would hate to be in the room with her when she finds out that Jesus is not white.”


‘‘Tis the season

themetaisawesome: tsunasty: deafonyourleft: totallytrailbreaker: skellydun: rip santa. Working in Retail in under 3 minutes i had to ...

Being Alone, Baseball, and Cute: 6 at 10:22 PM- About 3 years ago I answered my phone and there was an elderly lady who said hello is this Johnny. I told her no it's not Johnny you must have the wrong number. She then proceeds to read my phone number back to me and I told her that the number she was calling could not be correct because it was my number. She then said she was sorry and hung up. She called again right after that. I told her no it's still me. She then would call me about once a week and I would have to tell her that she had the wrong number One time she called and I asked her how she was doing, she told me about her day, the noisy neighbors, her favorite TV show that she watched this afternoon and whatever else she wanted to tell me. She then asked me how my day was and I told her. She asked me how the kids were doing and I told talking to Johnny. I never told her I was Johnny but I never told her I wasn't. She would call about once every two weeks and the conversations usually went the same. When she asked about the kids I would tell her about mine She would talk about the last time she had seen them they were just little boys playing baseball in their cute uniforms. When I told her they were all grown up now she would remark that they grow up so fast. About six months ago I stopped getting phone calls. To be honest I really didn't think about it until I heard a commercial on the radio that sounded a lot like her. Then wondered what had happened to her. Well tonight when I got home from my men's meeting my phone rang and it was her. She told me that she had been ill and was in the hospital but she was much better now and home. She told me that they did not want her to come back home but she told them I've lived alone for 44 years I live alone just fine for the rest of my years. She then told me about her day about the noisy neighbors and about her TV show. She then told me she had to go because it was her bedtime, but we will talk again soon. Well curiosity got the better of me andI decided to do a reverse look up to see if I could find anything out about my mystery lady. Well I found her, she lives in the city& is 108 years old. I also found out her name for the first time because I never asked. Her first name swhich coincidentally was my grandmother's name. Her Johnny passed away about 23 years ago. I got this phone number about 21 years ago. So she very well may have had that correct number. It may have just been reassigned to me. I am looking forward to my next phone call from my friend Saw this post on my uncles facebook, made my day. via /r/wholesomememes https://ift.tt/2QEBAi0
Being Alone, Baseball, and Cute: 6 at 10:22 PM-
 About 3 years ago I answered my phone and there was an elderly lady who
 said hello is this Johnny. I told her no it's not Johnny you must have the
 wrong number. She then proceeds to read my phone number back to me
 and I told her that the number she was calling could not be correct because
 it was my number. She then said she was sorry and hung up. She called
 again right after that. I told her no it's still me. She then would call me about
 once a week and I would have to tell her that she had the wrong number
 One time she called and I asked her how she was doing, she told me about
 her day, the noisy neighbors, her favorite TV show that she watched this
 afternoon and whatever else she wanted to tell me. She then asked me how
 my day was and I told her. She asked me how the kids were doing and I told
 talking to Johnny. I never told her I was Johnny but I never told her I wasn't.
 She would call about once every two weeks and the conversations usually
 went the same. When she asked about the kids I would tell her about mine
 She would talk about the last time she had seen them they were just little
 boys playing baseball in their cute uniforms. When I told her they were all
 grown up now she would remark that they grow up so fast. About six months
 ago I stopped getting phone calls. To be honest I really didn't think about it
 until I heard a commercial on the radio that sounded a lot like her. Then
 wondered what had happened to her. Well tonight when I got home from my
 men's meeting my phone rang and it was her. She told me that she had
 been ill and was in the hospital but she was much better now and home. She
 told me that they did not want her to come back home
 but she told them I've lived alone for 44 years I live alone just fine for the rest
 of my years. She then told me about her day about the noisy neighbors and
 about her TV show. She then told me she had to go because it was her
 bedtime, but we will talk again soon. Well curiosity got the better of me andI
 decided to do a reverse look up to see if I could find anything out about my
 mystery lady. Well I found her, she lives in the city& is 108 years old. I also
 found out her name for the first time because I never asked. Her first name
 swhich coincidentally was my grandmother's name. Her Johnny
 passed away about 23 years ago. I got this phone number about 21 years
 ago. So she very well may have had that correct number. It may have just
 been reassigned to me. I am looking forward to my next phone call from my
 friend
Saw this post on my uncles facebook, made my day. via /r/wholesomememes https://ift.tt/2QEBAi0

Saw this post on my uncles facebook, made my day. via /r/wholesomememes https://ift.tt/2QEBAi0

Being Alone, Baseball, and Cute: 6 at 10:22 PM- About 3 years ago I answered my phone and there was an elderly lady who said hello is this Johnny. I told her no it's not Johnny you must have the wrong number. She then proceeds to read my phone number back to me and I told her that the number she was calling could not be correct because it was my number. She then said she was sorry and hung up. She called again right after that. I told her no it's still me. She then would call me about once a week and I would have to tell her that she had the wrong number One time she called and I asked her how she was doing, she told me about her day, the noisy neighbors, her favorite TV show that she watched this afternoon and whatever else she wanted to tell me. She then asked me how my day was and I told her. She asked me how the kids were doing and I told talking to Johnny. I never told her I was Johnny but I never told her I wasn't. She would call about once every two weeks and the conversations usually went the same. When she asked about the kids I would tell her about mine She would talk about the last time she had seen them they were just little boys playing baseball in their cute uniforms. When I told her they were all grown up now she would remark that they grow up so fast. About six months ago I stopped getting phone calls. To be honest I really didn't think about it until I heard a commercial on the radio that sounded a lot like her. Then wondered what had happened to her. Well tonight when I got home from my men's meeting my phone rang and it was her. She told me that she had been ill and was in the hospital but she was much better now and home. She told me that they did not want her to come back home but she told them I've lived alone for 44 years I live alone just fine for the rest of my years. She then told me about her day about the noisy neighbors and about her TV show. She then told me she had to go because it was her bedtime, but we will talk again soon. Well curiosity got the better of me andI decided to do a reverse look up to see if I could find anything out about my mystery lady. Well I found her, she lives in the city& is 108 years old. I also found out her name for the first time because I never asked. Her first name swhich coincidentally was my grandmother's name. Her Johnny passed away about 23 years ago. I got this phone number about 21 years ago. So she very well may have had that correct number. It may have just been reassigned to me. I am looking forward to my next phone call from my friend Saw this post on my uncles facebook, made my day.
Being Alone, Baseball, and Cute: 6 at 10:22 PM-
 About 3 years ago I answered my phone and there was an elderly lady who
 said hello is this Johnny. I told her no it's not Johnny you must have the
 wrong number. She then proceeds to read my phone number back to me
 and I told her that the number she was calling could not be correct because
 it was my number. She then said she was sorry and hung up. She called
 again right after that. I told her no it's still me. She then would call me about
 once a week and I would have to tell her that she had the wrong number
 One time she called and I asked her how she was doing, she told me about
 her day, the noisy neighbors, her favorite TV show that she watched this
 afternoon and whatever else she wanted to tell me. She then asked me how
 my day was and I told her. She asked me how the kids were doing and I told
 talking to Johnny. I never told her I was Johnny but I never told her I wasn't.
 She would call about once every two weeks and the conversations usually
 went the same. When she asked about the kids I would tell her about mine
 She would talk about the last time she had seen them they were just little
 boys playing baseball in their cute uniforms. When I told her they were all
 grown up now she would remark that they grow up so fast. About six months
 ago I stopped getting phone calls. To be honest I really didn't think about it
 until I heard a commercial on the radio that sounded a lot like her. Then
 wondered what had happened to her. Well tonight when I got home from my
 men's meeting my phone rang and it was her. She told me that she had
 been ill and was in the hospital but she was much better now and home. She
 told me that they did not want her to come back home
 but she told them I've lived alone for 44 years I live alone just fine for the rest
 of my years. She then told me about her day about the noisy neighbors and
 about her TV show. She then told me she had to go because it was her
 bedtime, but we will talk again soon. Well curiosity got the better of me andI
 decided to do a reverse look up to see if I could find anything out about my
 mystery lady. Well I found her, she lives in the city& is 108 years old. I also
 found out her name for the first time because I never asked. Her first name
 swhich coincidentally was my grandmother's name. Her Johnny
 passed away about 23 years ago. I got this phone number about 21 years
 ago. So she very well may have had that correct number. It may have just
 been reassigned to me. I am looking forward to my next phone call from my
 friend
Saw this post on my uncles facebook, made my day.

Saw this post on my uncles facebook, made my day.