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Being Alone, Boner, and Do a Barrel Roll: People Can't Handle The Way Morrissey Describes A Boner In His Novel A bulbous salutation to you all. posted on Sept. 24, 2015, at 9:52 a.m Alan White BuzzFeed News Reporter, UK So, during a sex scene in Morrissey's recently published novel List of the Lost, this happens. Eliza's breasts barrel-rolled across Ezra's howling mouth and the pained frenzy of his bulbous salutation extenuating his excitement as it smacked its way into every muscle of Eliza's body except for the otherwise central zone." 03 thebibliosphere: doebarnes: mugsandpugs: jottingprosaist: shredsandpatches: hedwig-dordt: naznomad: martingoresangst: Thats the weirdest erotic sentence i’ve read all month this fucking post singlehandedly ruined my life You don’t really appreciate how fucking great fan fic is when it comes to writing sex untill you stop to recognise how Serious Literary Stars fail at writing sex. DO A BARREL ROLL #in all my years of reading fic i have never encountered a sentence this terrible #did he just say that his dick smacked EVERY MUSCLE in her body except you know her vagina? #like I'MMA SMACK YOU IN THE CHEEK I'MMA SMACK YOU IN THE SHOULDER I'MMA SMACK YOU IN THE CALF #what is your dick doing?? #how do you think sex works morrissey?? Forget what his dick is doing, what are her breasts doing? How do a pair of fat sacks attached to a ribcage barrel-roll anywhere? Let alone across a man’s mouth and then his wanger immediately after? Sir, why is your mouth so dong-adjacent? Is your weiner detachable, is that it? Do you have your joystick clutched in your hand so that you can score a sweet schlong-to-titty-roll immediately after a kiss and then proceed to beat your banana all over her body in the world’s most failed attempt at erotic massage??? HOW DO YOU THINK SEX WORKS??? … guys ….. Are the sex scenes in My Immortal better than this?“HE PUT HIS THINGY IN MY YOU-KNOW-WHAT AND WE HAD SEX.” … I mean. Comparatively… Like, in My Immortal, it’s at least implied he knows where he’s supposed to put it. It’s very simplistic, Ikea-style sex (insert tab A into slot B) but that’s better than this vague, useless composition of random, nonsensical placement and movement of body parts. So yes, the sex in My Immortal is, in this sense, better. @goddessemily   was it this post?
Being Alone, Boner, and Do a Barrel Roll: People Can't Handle The
 Way Morrissey Describes A
 Boner In His Novel
 A bulbous salutation to you all.
 posted on Sept. 24, 2015, at 9:52 a.m
 Alan White
 BuzzFeed News Reporter, UK
 So, during a sex scene in Morrissey's
 recently published novel List of the
 Lost, this happens.
 Eliza's breasts barrel-rolled across Ezra's
 howling mouth and the pained frenzy of
 his bulbous salutation extenuating his
 excitement as it smacked its way into
 every muscle of Eliza's body except for
 the otherwise central zone."
 03
thebibliosphere:

doebarnes:

mugsandpugs:

jottingprosaist:

shredsandpatches:

hedwig-dordt:

naznomad:

martingoresangst:

Thats the weirdest erotic sentence i’ve read all month

this fucking post singlehandedly ruined my life

You don’t really appreciate how fucking great fan fic is when it comes to writing sex untill you stop to recognise how Serious Literary Stars fail at writing sex.

DO A BARREL ROLL



#in all my years of reading fic i have never encountered a sentence this terrible #did he just say that his dick smacked EVERY MUSCLE in her body except you know her vagina? #like I'MMA SMACK YOU IN THE CHEEK I'MMA SMACK YOU IN THE SHOULDER I'MMA SMACK YOU IN THE CALF #what is your dick doing?? #how do you think sex works morrissey??


Forget what his dick is doing, what are her breasts doing? How do a pair of fat sacks attached to a ribcage barrel-roll anywhere? Let alone across a man’s mouth and then his wanger immediately after? Sir, why is your mouth so dong-adjacent? Is your weiner detachable, is that it? Do you have your joystick clutched in your hand so that you can score a sweet schlong-to-titty-roll immediately after a kiss and then proceed to beat your banana all over her body in the world’s most failed attempt at erotic massage??? HOW DO YOU THINK SEX WORKS???

… guys
….. Are the sex scenes in My Immortal better than this?“HE PUT HIS THINGY IN MY YOU-KNOW-WHAT AND WE HAD SEX.”
… I mean. Comparatively…

Like, in My Immortal, it’s at least implied he knows where he’s supposed to put it. It’s very simplistic, Ikea-style sex (insert tab A into slot B) but that’s better than this vague, useless composition of random, nonsensical placement and movement of body parts.

So yes, the sex in My Immortal is, in this sense, better.


@goddessemily   was it this post?

thebibliosphere: doebarnes: mugsandpugs: jottingprosaist: shredsandpatches: hedwig-dordt: naznomad: martingoresangst: Thats the weir...

Asian, Dragonball, and Fucking: Rahul Kohli @RahulKohli13 Following Scarlett Johansson IMDb@IMDb Who would play you in the movie about your life? Rahul Kohli o Following @RahulKohli13 I did it for "likes" actually Kira Figs @KiraFigs You're an actor too. God forbid you choose a role that people don't agree with and become the target for unwanted jokes. Great way to perpetuate the bullying and harassment of a fellow actress just for retweetstwitter.com/RahulKohli13/s... Rahul Kohli @RahulKohli13 Following I kicked the hornet's nest. I'm so sorry to any of her fans I offended with that joke I made. I'm actually a big fan and I wish her all the best #Scarlett4Mulan Victoria Loves Scarlett and Kimberly @AlianovnaArmy Replying to @RahulKohli 13 Oh for fuck sake, Are y'all seriously keep bringing that back? She did not played an asian! She played A FUCKING ROBOT! A Robot has no nationality, do you know what means, Major could have been played by anyone, do you understand? omg Rahul Kohli @RahulKohli13 Following May I answer this one? Because I'm Asian. Shani dead after A4 trailer @Natasha_Rogers Why would she choose to play a nobody? Who is this? twitter.com/rahulkohli13/s... Rahul Kohli @RahulKohli13 Following Okay that's enough twitter for me tonight. I get anxious when I tweet a joke and people get upset. Imma get back to my script INT. THE KOHLI HOUSE DAY Rahul Kohli's parents sit in the living room, Rama (Emma Stone) and Satish (Tilda Swinton) watch Dragonball Evolution. rocktheholygrail: OOOOOOOOOOOOOH
Asian, Dragonball, and Fucking: Rahul Kohli
 @RahulKohli13
 Following
 Scarlett Johansson
 IMDb@IMDb
 Who would play you in the movie about your life?

 Rahul Kohli o
 Following
 @RahulKohli13
 I did it for "likes" actually
 Kira Figs @KiraFigs
 You're an actor too. God forbid you choose a role that people don't agree with and
 become the target for unwanted jokes. Great way to perpetuate the bullying and
 harassment of a fellow actress just for retweetstwitter.com/RahulKohli13/s...

 Rahul Kohli
 @RahulKohli13
 Following
 I kicked the hornet's nest. I'm so sorry to any
 of her fans I offended with that joke I made.
 I'm actually a big fan and I wish her all the
 best
 #Scarlett4Mulan
 Victoria Loves Scarlett and Kimberly @AlianovnaArmy
 Replying to @RahulKohli 13
 Oh for fuck sake, Are y'all seriously keep bringing that back? She did not played an
 asian! She played A FUCKING ROBOT! A Robot has no nationality, do you know what
 means, Major could have been played by anyone, do you understand? omg

 Rahul Kohli
 @RahulKohli13
 Following
 May I answer this one?
 Because I'm Asian.
 Shani dead after A4 trailer @Natasha_Rogers
 Why would she choose to play a nobody? Who is this?
 twitter.com/rahulkohli13/s...

 Rahul Kohli
 @RahulKohli13
 Following
 Okay that's enough twitter for me tonight. I
 get anxious when I tweet a joke and people
 get upset. Imma get back to my script
 INT. THE KOHLI HOUSE DAY
 Rahul Kohli's parents sit in the living room,
 Rama (Emma Stone) and Satish (Tilda
 Swinton) watch Dragonball Evolution.
rocktheholygrail:
OOOOOOOOOOOOOH

rocktheholygrail: OOOOOOOOOOOOOH

Anaconda, Fucking, and Tumblr: charuchii: amatasera: tastefullyoffensive: 100 to 0 IMMA FUCKING KILL YOU oh wait this is actually pretty good thank you he attac but then he snac
Anaconda, Fucking, and Tumblr: charuchii:

amatasera:

tastefullyoffensive:

100 to 0

IMMA FUCKING KILL YOU 
oh wait this is actually pretty good thank you 

he attac but then he snac

charuchii: amatasera: tastefullyoffensive: 100 to 0 IMMA FUCKING KILL YOU oh wait this is actually pretty good thank you he attac but...

Bless Up, Emoji, and Food: Dunkin doesn't eat unless I microwave his food bc he thinks once it goes in the microwave it magically becomes human food 0:32 Beloveds! Very, very important! I gotta share something with y’all. At work, u gon have mentors. Bosses that take a interest in u. U feel me? They gon push u along. They gon support u. They gon look out for u. But as a dear friend once told me...there’s one thing they NOT gon do. Y’all ready? Y’all ready for this A1 Sauce? Y’all receptive? Nah. U know what I think y’all distracted on this Friday imma address this another time LMAO JK HERE IT GOES: one thing that mentor is NOT gon do is take money out of HIS paycheck, and put it in yours. READ THAT CAREFULLY. If it’s between your paycheck and his paycheck, he gon choose his paycheck 10 times out of 10. Not nine! see y’all not listening! 😂 Y’all sitting back like “nah some bosses are cool, my boss Phil is amazing, Phil will gladly go to HR and say ‘please bump Sally’s salary by $30,000 and decrease mine by a commensurate amount - I insist 😌’” <— men don’t make this emoji face because Phil don’t exist HE 👏 DONT 👏 EXIST 👏 BELOVED 👏 HE 👏 ON 👏 THE 👏 WAITING 👏 LIST 👏 FOR 👏 THAT 👏 NEW 👏 TESLA 👏 THAT 👏 30 👏 THOU 👏 BEEN 👏 SPUNT 👏 ARREDDY 👏- aight? He is not - I repeat not - gon prefer ya paycheck to his. Not gon happen! Not now not never! U feel me? So what that mean. IT MEAN U GOTTA ADVOCATE FOR YOURSELF. “But smash imma be ‘the b!tch’ at work if I complain” GOOD. BE THE B!TCH LMAO. U KNOW WHAT B!TCHES DO? THEY GET PAID WHAT’S OWED TO THEM. THEN MEN GET MAD AND CALL THEM A B!TCH. IF THEY CALL U A B!TCH, 9 TIMES OUT OF 10 U DID SOMETHING RIGHT, AND THEY SALTY. BIG SALT. MORTONS. HIMALAYA ROCK SALT U FEEL ME? THE PINK JOINT. DONT LET A LABEL DISCOURAGE U. LET IT *EN* COURAGE U - TO GET WHAT U DESERVE. AIGHT? LOVE YALL. BLESS UP 😍😂😂 (Slide 1: @dunkinandkirby. Slide 2: @cantuonwheels)
Bless Up, Emoji, and Food: Dunkin doesn't eat unless I microwave his
 food bc he thinks once it goes in the
 microwave it magically becomes human food
 0:32
Beloveds! Very, very important! I gotta share something with y’all. At work, u gon have mentors. Bosses that take a interest in u. U feel me? They gon push u along. They gon support u. They gon look out for u. But as a dear friend once told me...there’s one thing they NOT gon do. Y’all ready? Y’all ready for this A1 Sauce? Y’all receptive? Nah. U know what I think y’all distracted on this Friday imma address this another time LMAO JK HERE IT GOES: one thing that mentor is NOT gon do is take money out of HIS paycheck, and put it in yours. READ THAT CAREFULLY. If it’s between your paycheck and his paycheck, he gon choose his paycheck 10 times out of 10. Not nine! see y’all not listening! 😂 Y’all sitting back like “nah some bosses are cool, my boss Phil is amazing, Phil will gladly go to HR and say ‘please bump Sally’s salary by $30,000 and decrease mine by a commensurate amount - I insist 😌’” <— men don’t make this emoji face because Phil don’t exist HE 👏 DONT 👏 EXIST 👏 BELOVED 👏 HE 👏 ON 👏 THE 👏 WAITING 👏 LIST 👏 FOR 👏 THAT 👏 NEW 👏 TESLA 👏 THAT 👏 30 👏 THOU 👏 BEEN 👏 SPUNT 👏 ARREDDY 👏- aight? He is not - I repeat not - gon prefer ya paycheck to his. Not gon happen! Not now not never! U feel me? So what that mean. IT MEAN U GOTTA ADVOCATE FOR YOURSELF. “But smash imma be ‘the b!tch’ at work if I complain” GOOD. BE THE B!TCH LMAO. U KNOW WHAT B!TCHES DO? THEY GET PAID WHAT’S OWED TO THEM. THEN MEN GET MAD AND CALL THEM A B!TCH. IF THEY CALL U A B!TCH, 9 TIMES OUT OF 10 U DID SOMETHING RIGHT, AND THEY SALTY. BIG SALT. MORTONS. HIMALAYA ROCK SALT U FEEL ME? THE PINK JOINT. DONT LET A LABEL DISCOURAGE U. LET IT *EN* COURAGE U - TO GET WHAT U DESERVE. AIGHT? LOVE YALL. BLESS UP 😍😂😂 (Slide 1: @dunkinandkirby. Slide 2: @cantuonwheels)

Beloveds! Very, very important! I gotta share something with y’all. At work, u gon have mentors. Bosses that take a interest in u. U feel me...