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its on me: The trees say fuck you I SPEAK FOR THE TREES adiostoreadumb: My snapchats are literally the best AldenRants 29-50 @spnsalsa asked me to rant about dream clichΓ©s! MMBDOHNN GEHD ME SCHHTARBDED, sorry, all of my teeth inexplicably just fell out. NOW THAT THAT PREDICTABLE REFERENCE IS OUT OF THE WAY let's get down to the nitty gritty of our sleepy psyche! THE TIME I'M ASLEEP IS APPARENTLY THE TIME WHICH MY BRAIN BELIEVES IS THE APPROPRIATE OPPORTUNITY TO COMPENSATE FOR ALL THE MEANINGLESS HUMDRUM I PUT IT THROUGH THROUGHOUT THE DAY. Like, thanks, Brain, that'd be great and all if you weren't a fucking lunatic! I SHOULD KNOW! YOU THINK I'M HAVING FUN WHEN REALLY I ENVISION YOU AS FREDDIE KRUEGER GETTING BOOED OFF THE STAGE AT A POETRY SLAM FOR CONFUSING EVERYBODY. EVERY NIGHT I GO TO SLEEP IS JUST ANOTHER NIGHT I'M POSSIBLY GETTING SENTENCED TO A NIGHT IN TWILIGHT ZONE WHERE ABSOLUTELY NOTHING MAKES SENSE. HELP ME OUT A LITTLE WE'RE IN THIS TOGETHER WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT. AT LEAST GET CREATIVE. I DON'T NEED TO BE WALTZING AROUND IN PUBLIC MISSING MY PANTS ANY MOMENT I LOOK DOWN YOU SICK FUCK. I DON'T REQUIRE DOORS THAT ARE 3 INCHES AWAY FROM THE DOORFRAME WHEN I TRY TO CLOSE THEM BECAUSE THE MONSTER YOUUUU CONCOCTED, MIGHT I ADD, IS CHASING ME. AND I SURE AS HELL DON'T NEED TO BE LEGALLY BLIND IN MY DREAMS WHERE EVERYTHING IS SO DARK THAT I'M LEFT WITH NOTHING TO DO IN MY DREAMS EXCEPT FIND LAMPS TO TURN ON!?!? BUT PLOT TWIST! None of the lights I turn on help because FUCK ME THAT'S WHY! And DON'T you go blaming it on me being like "It's because you're stressed :)" OR "It's because you're unbearably insecure about your current situation in life :)" OR "It's because you don't floss :)" I'M AS CALM AND COLLECTED AS CAN BE
 its on me: The trees say fuck you
 I SPEAK FOR THE TREES
 adiostoreadumb:
 My snapchats are literally the best
AldenRants 29-50 @spnsalsa asked me to rant about dream clichΓ©s! MMBDOHNN GEHD ME SCHHTARBDED, sorry, all of my teeth inexplicably just fell out. NOW THAT THAT PREDICTABLE REFERENCE IS OUT OF THE WAY let's get down to the nitty gritty of our sleepy psyche! THE TIME I'M ASLEEP IS APPARENTLY THE TIME WHICH MY BRAIN BELIEVES IS THE APPROPRIATE OPPORTUNITY TO COMPENSATE FOR ALL THE MEANINGLESS HUMDRUM I PUT IT THROUGH THROUGHOUT THE DAY. Like, thanks, Brain, that'd be great and all if you weren't a fucking lunatic! I SHOULD KNOW! YOU THINK I'M HAVING FUN WHEN REALLY I ENVISION YOU AS FREDDIE KRUEGER GETTING BOOED OFF THE STAGE AT A POETRY SLAM FOR CONFUSING EVERYBODY. EVERY NIGHT I GO TO SLEEP IS JUST ANOTHER NIGHT I'M POSSIBLY GETTING SENTENCED TO A NIGHT IN TWILIGHT ZONE WHERE ABSOLUTELY NOTHING MAKES SENSE. HELP ME OUT A LITTLE WE'RE IN THIS TOGETHER WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT. AT LEAST GET CREATIVE. I DON'T NEED TO BE WALTZING AROUND IN PUBLIC MISSING MY PANTS ANY MOMENT I LOOK DOWN YOU SICK FUCK. I DON'T REQUIRE DOORS THAT ARE 3 INCHES AWAY FROM THE DOORFRAME WHEN I TRY TO CLOSE THEM BECAUSE THE MONSTER YOUUUU CONCOCTED, MIGHT I ADD, IS CHASING ME. AND I SURE AS HELL DON'T NEED TO BE LEGALLY BLIND IN MY DREAMS WHERE EVERYTHING IS SO DARK THAT I'M LEFT WITH NOTHING TO DO IN MY DREAMS EXCEPT FIND LAMPS TO TURN ON!?!? BUT PLOT TWIST! None of the lights I turn on help because FUCK ME THAT'S WHY! And DON'T you go blaming it on me being like "It's because you're stressed :)" OR "It's because you're unbearably insecure about your current situation in life :)" OR "It's because you don't floss :)" I'M AS CALM AND COLLECTED AS CAN BE

AldenRants 29-50 @spnsalsa asked me to rant about dream clichΓ©s! MMBDOHNN GEHD ME SCHHTARBDED, sorry, all of my teeth inexplicably just f...

its on me: me: no thanks i'm on a diet hehe me 10 minutes later: Dr Smashlove Ladies if we go out to dinner getchu a molten chocolate cake with a scoop of vanilla ice cream on the side. Maybe some mochi, if we at a sushi joint (might I suggest the red bean - it don't taste like beans - the Japanese done worked they magic on it and now it taste like fruit 😍). A serving of sorbet, if that's what floats your boat. A 'seasonal fruit bowl', if that catches your fancy (side note: how these high class joints get away with charging $11 for nine raspberries and eight blueberries Bruh? That's seasonal robbery right there FFS πŸ˜‚). A plate of 'zeppole', perhaps (that's Italian for 'Dunkin Donut donut holes' or, for my fine ass Canadian readers, 'Timbits' 😍). Eat that sugar baby girl. You'll need them calories for later. As for me, the dessert I desire resides between your thighs. Put it on me. Suffocate me, mama. Let me inhale that Punani essence - sweeter than a batch of fresh baked chocolate chip cookies. Let your waterfall of mango-flavored honey drizzle drench my sensibilities until I can no longer think straight and am consumed in infatuation and adoration. U feel me? Let me dive in the Punani and swim across your ocean. I love worldly desserts as much as anyone but I know there is a higher dessert. A sweeter one. A more fragrant, intoxicating one. More intoxicating that that peach cobbler when u woozy afterward and u all like "waitress what they put in this joint" and she all "the chef prepares it in a French liquer" and u just like "ok dammit, I'm drunk off a dessert now, this wasn't how tonight was suppose to go" πŸ˜«πŸ˜‚. In any event, feed me mama. U the dessert chef tonight. Like a episode of Chopped where u making a rare and delicious form of ice cream - and all the judges like "SHE'S GOING FOR IT - SHE'S GOING FOR THE ICE CREAM MAKER - SHE'S DOING IT" <- they always say this...every episode πŸ˜‚. Pour that ice cream on me mama. U win this round. U win every round. U the new mildly-creepy salty steak chef dude. Slap me. Massage me. Throw me on the fire, u feel me? Just let me get that Nani first - and imma die a happy man πŸ˜πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚
 its on me: me: no thanks i'm on a diet hehe
 me 10 minutes later:
 Dr Smashlove
Ladies if we go out to dinner getchu a molten chocolate cake with a scoop of vanilla ice cream on the side. Maybe some mochi, if we at a sushi joint (might I suggest the red bean - it don't taste like beans - the Japanese done worked they magic on it and now it taste like fruit 😍). A serving of sorbet, if that's what floats your boat. A 'seasonal fruit bowl', if that catches your fancy (side note: how these high class joints get away with charging $11 for nine raspberries and eight blueberries Bruh? That's seasonal robbery right there FFS πŸ˜‚). A plate of 'zeppole', perhaps (that's Italian for 'Dunkin Donut donut holes' or, for my fine ass Canadian readers, 'Timbits' 😍). Eat that sugar baby girl. You'll need them calories for later. As for me, the dessert I desire resides between your thighs. Put it on me. Suffocate me, mama. Let me inhale that Punani essence - sweeter than a batch of fresh baked chocolate chip cookies. Let your waterfall of mango-flavored honey drizzle drench my sensibilities until I can no longer think straight and am consumed in infatuation and adoration. U feel me? Let me dive in the Punani and swim across your ocean. I love worldly desserts as much as anyone but I know there is a higher dessert. A sweeter one. A more fragrant, intoxicating one. More intoxicating that that peach cobbler when u woozy afterward and u all like "waitress what they put in this joint" and she all "the chef prepares it in a French liquer" and u just like "ok dammit, I'm drunk off a dessert now, this wasn't how tonight was suppose to go" πŸ˜«πŸ˜‚. In any event, feed me mama. U the dessert chef tonight. Like a episode of Chopped where u making a rare and delicious form of ice cream - and all the judges like "SHE'S GOING FOR IT - SHE'S GOING FOR THE ICE CREAM MAKER - SHE'S DOING IT" <- they always say this...every episode πŸ˜‚. Pour that ice cream on me mama. U win this round. U win every round. U the new mildly-creepy salty steak chef dude. Slap me. Massage me. Throw me on the fire, u feel me? Just let me get that Nani first - and imma die a happy man πŸ˜πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

Ladies if we go out to dinner getchu a molten chocolate cake with a scoop of vanilla ice cream on the side. Maybe some mochi, if we at a...

its on me: Don't blame it on me - Jose Mourinho version
 its on me: Don't blame it on me - Jose Mourinho version

Don't blame it on me - Jose Mourinho version