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Kellie: WHAT ARE YOU RUNNING FROM APEX PREDATOR JOGGING FROM THE PERSPECTIVE OF ANIMALS THE HELL IS THAT GUY DOING ARE YOU CHASING PREY? YOU NEED TO CONSERVE ENERGY I DON'T KNOW I DON'T UNDERSTAND thejakelikesonions Maybe he's running from the truth Gareth Cliff @GarethCliff Which addiction is yours? Sparks Liner Hex (6) @RadiantHex god i just fucking love uber too much. i cannot stop ordering ubers to my house and having them drive me to the nearest bus stop and calling another uber to go to the next one M memecage Uber is one helluva drug meckamecha Yes I am addicted to Linkedin and also Adobe Photoshop showerthoughtsofficial Your future self is talking shit about you oldtimeydildomachine I'm talking shit about me too she ain't special Thomas, 19 Colorado State University 2 miles away very sorry to disappoint, but no I don't skate Red Delicious apples are fucking trash literally the worst fucking apple out there they have the texture and consistency of mashy apple sand nothing delicious about that shit yet they're served everywhere what the fuck is up with that y'all need to try a honey crisp or a pink lady or fucking any other apple fuck Watch Jeopardy with me please the episodes are clogging my DVR tinderventure Strong opinions about his apples thyrell he's right tho BRAndii Do No touch My Food I HAVE 7 Shamps Ard 4,s2 Cice unclefather 7 shrimps and 4,562 rice And then there was the time somebody told me that black mustache-wax made a won- derful mascara for the eyelashes, and I tried it out. It seemed to work, and I went to a party all really quite starry-eyed with mus tache-wax. The trouble came later, when, in the course of the evening, a man I was talk ing to said to me, "I beg your pardon, but you have a black smootch on your cheek." Oh, dear," I said to him, "that's my mus- tache-wax." And-busy getting it off-I never did have a chance to explain. By the time I remembered to, the man, looking shaken, had moved off yesterdaysprint The Baltimore Sun, Maryland, February 21, 1943 yesterdaysprint The Baltimore Sun, Maryland, February 21, 1943 And one thing more. You know that clap of the hand to the mouth (and backward tilting of the head) with which experienced pill-takers take pills? Well-back in my hypochondriac era, when I yielded to no- body in the number and variety of capsules I could take after meals per day, the doctor suddenly shifted me one day from capsules to a liquid medicine. Habit was strongly rooted, however, and what did I do the first day. I was talking, as usual, and my mind wasn't on it, and I reached for the bottle and uncorked it and poured some of the liquid into the palm of my hand and slapped myself in the face with it. . . . All right, now, my good people. It's some- body else's turn. I think I'll go away now and lie down. prokopetz One of my favourite anecdotes about the first Golden Age of Piracy is that, at one point, Captain Henry Morgan left England in one ship, and arrived in the Carbbean commanding a completely different ship, and nobody knows why. What happened to the first ship and how he acquired the second one are entirely unrecorded. Johannegvill At some point in his short career (1715 until 1718), the English pirate Ben Hornigold attacked a sloop near Honduras just to steal all the hats of the crew because his own crew had gotten drunk the night before and they had tossed every single one of their own hats overboard. lyinginbedmon Bartholomew Roberts, arguably the most successtul plrate In history by ships captured (a whopping 470 in 3 years), didn't actually want to be a pirate. His ship was captured and he was forced to join the pirate crew. Afer the original pirate captain was killed, he was democratically elected captain of the pirate crew less than 6 weeks after being captured by them. dirtydirtychai please someone give me the mockumentary following all these disasters (and don't forget the lafitte brothers!! and also all the lady pirates who are super done with everyone else's shitil) betsy @betsylozan when i was at the lake there was a group of college guys jumping off a cliff and they were all giving this one dude in their group crap for wearing a life jacket when no one else had one on & he goes "quit it i pinky promised my girl i would wear it" and i think about that a lot 7/11/18, 10:12 PM Well you can't break a pinky promise Lisa Marie @xLiserx Them: How old are you? Me: 33. Them: And you don't have kids? Wow, time to get on that. Me: I've had 7 miscarriages. Them: *Looking incredibly uncomfortable* Me: Annnnnnnnnd I hope we've learned a lesson in asking inappropriate personal questions. Some questions you don't ask Saint Sims @SimsJoseph All clothing is unisex if you stop being a little bitch about it 9:21 pm 23 Aug 18 Shots fired Tom Bellino @tombellino Idk who made the original, but I am proud of my edits customer service workers trying their best Boomers Millennials Damon @Damon_Hanson Socks that are lost in the dryer come back as Tupperware lids that don't fit anything. Where d they come from smh Antonia @Flaminhaystack Lots of banging noises outside. I find my Romanian neighbours have rebuilt my fence which had fallen down a while ago. When I offered money/beer as gratitude, they said it was better to do nice things rather than expect something. Bloody foreigners coming here & building fences king-of-heroes-official orcs aren't really mosters tbh. they're demihumans. it's barely above wanting to fuck catgirls. carnival-phantasm This is a hot take that could possibly lead to chaos in the already fragile monster fucking community andhumanslovedstorles If I lcok at a mouth and instinctusally know how to kiss it with my human mouth, it Is not a monster, It is a varistion on a person. probably with larger than average teeth. It isn't a monster until I have to strategize inkbomber bold of you to assume i know how to kiss a human mouth showerthoughtsofficial Pinnocchio could tell us so much about the universe. He could randomly claim things like, "The Big Bang happened. and his nose would confirm or deny our theorles. strikeyouout Pinocchio's not omniscient, you stupid fucking redditors, his nose grows when he's intentionally being dishonest. exeunt-pursued-by-a-bear things heating up in the pinocchio fandom English Muffins Anon imosity walks into bookstore] Me: do you have any books on turtles? Worker: Hard back? Me: Yeah, with little heads. teapotsahoy Seguir When ur like: this show is very good. In fact, it is too good. I want something can watch with 30 % brain and this is a minimum 60 % brain show ." teaboot The amount of times I could have been that white girl in the horrar movie could honestly be a movie in itself and it's honestly a waste that my entire life isn't constantly recorded on fim because it would be HILARIOUS teaboot 1. That one time I decided to see what was past the old gate in the woods, but when got there it had been smashed in half and there was a decapitated sheep head with no skin just off the tral, so Instead I Just turned around and went home. 2. That time some friends and I went camping and we found a pile of bones wrapped in a garbage bag buried under a log. but the adult supervisor told us it was nothing, so we Just put It beck and didn't talk about It again 3. The time I was getting chased through the woods at night and I realized "wait It's dark as fuck so I Just held stll untl the guy gave up and left. 4. The time this dude said he was in love with me and so he was going to cut my head off and dump my body in a lake, so I told him to grow the hell up. but then he got caught stealing girl's underwear a day later and I never saw him again 5. That one time in college where I was taking a shortcut on my home at night and a car followed me into a dark alley, so I stared directly into the driver's side of the window and walked towards it to psych them out 6. The night I was out on a walk and this old guy told me he'd locked his keys in his truck and that he needed someone my size to crawl in through the back window for him, so I told him "you know that sounds super suspicious right and told him where to find a pay phone for a tow truck instead 7. The one time this random guy on the street said he was in love with me and so he was going to follow me home on my bus, so I clapped him on the shoulder and told him that if he got that close to my bus then I was going to throw him under the wheels, but then this really nice homeless man from Nigeria told the quy to fuck off and then checked to make sure he didn't follow me onboard 8. That big cat with yellow eyes who I found in a well and brought home who used to put rotting meat in my closet and wake me up by chewing on my face, until put him back outside and never saw him again. 9. My one cousin who used to come over for the summer who kept calling me pi帽ata and hitting me with sticks, until he went back home and was sent to juvie cause he finally got caught torturing animals 10. The time I got lost on the way to a meeting and wound up at a circus tent instead, and got followed by a full-out clown for three vacant street blocks 11. The pet hamster I had when I was seven who would scream all night and eventually escaped by ripping a bar out of its cage and wiggling through the hole. My mom caught it and put it back but it lived another year and a half until one night the screaming just stopped 12. The time I was whistling in the woods and something started whistling back, so I went home 13. That one night at summer camp where a group of girls got together to play bloody mary' in the lavatory and invited me to come with them so I said "no thanks and stayed with the camp councillors and drank soup instead. 14. The old abandoned house I just moved into with the door that leads into a big empty room full of dirt and empty cooking pots that I just sort of... locked up forever and never go near 15. Once when I was at an ihop I saw a coffee mug do a full 360掳 spin with nobody touching it, so I said 'that was neat and never ate there again 16. The time I tcok a photo of a big old raven sitting on the crucifix on top of the old town church cause it was the most goth thing I'd ever seen, right? But then it swooped down towards me, so I apologized immediately for being rude, and I felt a little silly for a while but the car that hit me on the way home didn't even leave a bruise so Idk be nice to blrds. teaboot Sorry I know I bring this shit up a lot but sometimes im awake at night and I just. keep thinking teaboot I think the secret to survival Is to be good to animals, stay away from men, and say "no thanks" to everything else grandmother slime @artyin....29. aug. if I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it's not that I lied it's just that I failed meirl theyellowbrickroad Did I ever tell u guys about the time my ex legitimately thought he killed me withi theyellowbrickroad Ok so picture this I'm 18 and excited about sex, trying out some new positions We are having sex in a pretty similar position to this And my pussy Is so wet it might as well be a god damn Sllp N Slde ok. And he's pounding at it fast and hard but slips out and goes to go right back in... But something is wrong. He's about to enter.. The. Wrong. Hole. And my eyes widen, I go to shout "nooaolllI' But it's all happening too fast. He thrusts right into my unlubed asshole and I scream like murder and leap right up onto my feet. We had only been cating a couple of months at this time and there was something very important he did not know about me: I am a chronic fainter, If I'm in pain or if I see my own blood, I will pass the fuck out. I get real quiet and turn to him and say, "I am going to pass out. He doesn't know I'm sertous, he thinks I'm Just being emotional, and he's Ilke "no baby come here but as he finishes that sentence i faint and my head ping pongs off my metal bed frame, onto the wall and then finally my whole body falls on the ground. He has never seen anybody faint before and naturally assumes I'm dead. A couple minutes later I awaken to him scbbing into my naked chest. Like this motherfucker really thought he sent me to the grave with some accidental anal soorajmakhi SIMONE I AM YELLING katielittlejohn Joining tumblr was worth it just to read this. I didn't make a terrible mistake 9 years ago, after all. vulpemarshmallow I'm really invested in the idea of elves having twitchy ears that reflect their emoticns. I'm also invested in the idea of elves having a hard time reading humans because their ears don't move-and really, that's like talking to someone who never moves thelr eyebrows for them. my elves are just weird cats screenageralex Being 18-25 is like playing a video game where you've skipped the tutorlal and you're just sort of running about with no idea how anything works rumbutt Being 25-30 is like later on in the game when you've figured out how things work, but have made poor leveling decisions along the way and are now horibly underpowered for what you're supposed to be doing. Victory Today 12:23 a.m. This may sound like I'm fucking with you but I'm not. was recently diagnosed with a terminal disease called cyroaudiovascularmexia. Google it if you want. Essentially, I don't get enough blood flow to my ears so they are slowly freezing, and they will soon fall off and it will spread to my inner ear and brain. There is no cure, but there is one stopgap I need go warm my ears constantly to save my life and the only material soft enough is the inner thigh of a pretty girl. So l need you to sit on my face. For medical reasons Girl are you a gorila exhibit? Cause I wanna drop a baby in you tinderventure My blo says "send me your best and shittest plckup lines but don't tell me which digivolvin men in greek mythology? scoundrels. just terrible. woeful social skills. murderers. kidnappers. violent misogynists. most of them.. never described as handscme so we have to assume they were ugly. narcissus? unproblematic. beacon of transformative self love. king of the swerve. gay icon. couldn't recognize his refiection but neither can my dog, we aren't holding thet against him. aegardian-viking Narcissus wrote this exphautaz I refuse to believe Narcissus could read. digivolvin i've been thinking about this response for the better part of 2 hours and it hasn't gotten less hysterically funny to me vampireapologist I think a lot about who I am to cther people in the world-particular who I am to strangers as a mere concept in their lives. Today this woman called our information desk and said, "my son's band is playing tonight. I want to come see him, but he never answers his phone. want to be there. Have you heard anything about his band? And I felt so bad for this lady but I'm not in the music scene around here so I had Five hours later. I'm hiking and run into a group of guys setting up for some outdoor perfornmance, and as I watch them unload the drums it hits me. "Hey. I said, are y'all in a band??" They sald yeah and smled and I told them "one of your moms called today. She wants to watch you play. but she can't get a hold of you. Call your mom. And they all pulled out their phones and started discussing whose mom it probably was as they presumably dialed their own. And now. unless we meet again and recognize each other, that's who I'll be forever to those guys-some mysterious courier for mom-messages who came out of the woods and told them their mcm called. I didn't even tell them why their mom called me. Who am I to their mom?? Noboay even asked. They just took my word for it and called their mothers. Amazing vamplreapologist quantim-mechanics Truth emerging from the IM LAUGHINGIlI THEY DIDN'T EVEN ASK WHO I AM. Andrew Wogas Opposing marriage equality because people are mean to you is the worst possible argument, just admit you're a cunt and were never going to vote yes Vikki Andrew Wogas people like you are why lots of us are Vikki voting no, what would your mother think if she knew you called women the c-word online Andrew Wogas Let's find out? Hey Kellie Wogas Kellie Wogas Vikki
Kellie: WHAT ARE YOU
 RUNNING FROM
 APEX PREDATOR
 JOGGING
 FROM THE
 PERSPECTIVE
 OF ANIMALS
 THE HELL IS THAT
 GUY DOING
 ARE YOU CHASING PREY?
 YOU NEED
 TO
 CONSERVE
 ENERGY
 I DON'T
 KNOW I DON'T
 UNDERSTAND
 thejakelikesonions
 Maybe he's running from the truth
 Gareth Cliff
 @GarethCliff
 Which addiction is yours?
 Sparks Liner Hex (6)
 @RadiantHex
 god i just fucking love uber too much. i
 cannot stop ordering ubers to my house
 and having them drive me to the nearest
 bus stop and calling another uber to go to
 the next one
 M memecage
 Uber is one helluva drug
 meckamecha
 Yes I am addicted to Linkedin and also Adobe Photoshop
 showerthoughtsofficial
 Your future self is talking shit about you
 oldtimeydildomachine
 I'm talking shit about me too she ain't special
 Thomas, 19
 Colorado State University
 2 miles away
 very sorry to disappoint, but no I don't skate
 Red Delicious apples are fucking trash literally
 the worst fucking apple out there they have
 the texture and consistency of mashy apple
 sand nothing delicious about that shit yet
 they're served everywhere what the fuck is up
 with that y'all need to try a honey crisp or a
 pink lady or fucking any other apple fuck
 Watch Jeopardy with me please the episodes
 are clogging my DVR
 tinderventure
 Strong opinions about his apples
 thyrell
 he's right tho
 BRAndii Do No
 touch
 My
 Food
 I HAVE 7 Shamps
 Ard 4,s2 Cice
 unclefather
 7 shrimps and 4,562 rice
 And then there was the time somebody
 told me that black mustache-wax made a won-
 derful mascara for the eyelashes, and I tried
 it out. It seemed to work, and I went to a
 party all really quite starry-eyed with mus
 tache-wax. The trouble came later, when, in
 the course of the evening, a man I was talk
 ing to said to me, "I beg your pardon, but
 you have a black smootch on your cheek."
 Oh, dear," I said to him, "that's my mus-
 tache-wax." And-busy getting it off-I never
 did have a chance to explain. By the time I
 remembered to, the man, looking shaken,
 had moved off
 yesterdaysprint
 The Baltimore Sun, Maryland, February 21, 1943
 yesterdaysprint
 The Baltimore Sun, Maryland, February 21, 1943
 And one thing more. You know that
 clap of the hand to the mouth (and backward
 tilting of the head) with which experienced
 pill-takers take pills? Well-back in my
 hypochondriac era, when I yielded to no-
 body in the number and variety of capsules
 I could take after meals per day, the doctor
 suddenly shifted me one day from capsules
 to a liquid medicine. Habit was strongly
 rooted, however, and what did I do the first
 day. I was talking, as usual, and my mind
 wasn't on it, and I reached for the bottle
 and uncorked it and poured some of the
 liquid into the palm of my hand and slapped
 myself in the face with it. . . .
 All right, now, my good people. It's some-
 body else's turn. I think I'll go away now and
 lie down.
 prokopetz
 One of my favourite anecdotes about the first Golden Age of Piracy is that, at
 one point, Captain Henry Morgan left England in one ship, and arrived in the
 Carbbean commanding a completely different ship, and nobody knows why.
 What happened to the first ship and how he acquired the second one are
 entirely unrecorded.
 Johannegvill
 At some point in his short career (1715 until 1718), the English pirate Ben
 Hornigold attacked a sloop near Honduras just to steal all the hats of the crew
 because his own crew had gotten drunk the night before and they had tossed
 every single one of their own hats overboard.
 lyinginbedmon
 Bartholomew Roberts, arguably the most successtul plrate In history by ships
 captured (a whopping 470 in 3 years), didn't actually want to be a pirate. His
 ship was captured and he was forced to join the pirate crew.
 Afer the original pirate captain was killed, he was democratically elected captain
 of the pirate crew less than 6 weeks after being captured by them.
 dirtydirtychai
 please someone give me the mockumentary following all these disasters
 (and don't forget the lafitte brothers!! and also all the lady pirates who are super
 done with everyone else's shitil)
 betsy
 @betsylozan
 when i was at the lake there was a
 group of college guys jumping off a cliff
 and they were all giving this one dude in
 their group crap for wearing a life jacket
 when no one else had one on & he goes
 "quit it i pinky promised my girl i would
 wear it" and i think about that a lot
 7/11/18, 10:12 PM
 Well you can't break a pinky promise
 Lisa Marie
 @xLiserx
 Them: How old are you?
 Me: 33.
 Them: And you don't have kids? Wow,
 time to get on that.
 Me: I've had 7 miscarriages.
 Them: *Looking incredibly uncomfortable*
 Me: Annnnnnnnnd I hope we've learned a
 lesson in asking inappropriate personal
 questions.
 Some questions you don't ask
 Saint Sims
 @SimsJoseph
 All clothing is unisex if you stop
 being a little bitch about it
 9:21 pm 23 Aug 18
 Shots fired
 Tom Bellino
 @tombellino
 Idk who made the original, but I am
 proud of my edits
 customer
 service
 workers trying
 their best
 Boomers
 Millennials
 Damon
 @Damon_Hanson
 Socks that are lost in the dryer come
 back as Tupperware lids that don't fit
 anything.
 Where d they come from smh
 Antonia
 @Flaminhaystack
 Lots of banging noises outside.
 I find my Romanian neighbours
 have rebuilt my fence which had
 fallen down a while ago.
 When I offered money/beer as
 gratitude, they said it was better to
 do nice things rather than expect
 something.
 Bloody foreigners coming here &
 building fences
 king-of-heroes-official
 orcs aren't really mosters tbh. they're demihumans. it's barely above wanting to
 fuck catgirls.
 carnival-phantasm
 This is a hot take that could possibly lead to chaos in the already fragile monster
 fucking community
 andhumanslovedstorles
 If I lcok at a mouth and instinctusally know how to kiss it with my human mouth, it
 Is not a monster, It is a varistion on a person. probably with larger than average
 teeth. It isn't a monster until I have to strategize
 inkbomber
 bold of you to assume i know how to kiss a human mouth
 showerthoughtsofficial
 Pinnocchio could tell us so much about the universe. He could randomly claim
 things like, "The Big Bang happened. and his nose would confirm or deny our
 theorles.
 strikeyouout
 Pinocchio's not omniscient, you stupid fucking redditors, his nose grows when
 he's intentionally being dishonest.
 exeunt-pursued-by-a-bear
 things heating up in the pinocchio fandom
 English Muffins
 Anon imosity
 walks into bookstore]
 Me: do you have any books on turtles?
 Worker: Hard back?
 Me: Yeah, with little heads.
 teapotsahoy Seguir
 When ur like: this show is very good. In fact, it is too good. I want something
 can watch with 30 % brain and this is a minimum 60 % brain show ."
 teaboot
 The amount of times I could have been that white girl in the horrar movie could
 honestly be a movie in itself and it's honestly a waste that my entire life isn't
 constantly recorded on fim because it would be HILARIOUS
 teaboot
 1. That one time I decided to see what was past the old gate in the woods, but
 when got there it had been smashed in half and there was a decapitated sheep
 head with no skin just off the tral, so Instead I Just turned around and went
 home.
 2. That time some friends and I went camping and we found a pile of bones
 wrapped in a garbage bag buried under a log. but the adult supervisor told us it
 was nothing, so we Just put It beck and didn't talk about It again
 3. The time I was getting chased through the woods at night and I realized "wait
 It's dark as fuck so I Just held stll untl the guy gave up and left.
 4. The time this dude said he was in love with me and so he was going to cut my
 head off and dump my body in a lake, so I told him to grow the hell up. but then
 he got caught stealing girl's underwear a day later and I never saw him again
 5. That one time in college where I was taking a shortcut on my home at night
 and a car followed me into a dark alley, so I stared directly into the driver's side
 of the window and walked towards it to psych them out
 6. The night I was out on a walk and this old guy told me he'd locked his keys in
 his truck and that he needed someone my size to crawl in through the back
 window for him, so I told him "you know that sounds super suspicious right and
 told him where to find a pay phone for a tow truck instead
 7. The one time this random guy on the street said he was in love with me and
 so he was going to follow me home on my bus, so I clapped him on the shoulder
 and told him that if he got that close to my bus then I was going to throw him
 under the wheels, but then this really nice homeless man from Nigeria told the
 quy to fuck off and then checked to make sure he didn't follow me onboard
 8. That big cat with yellow eyes who I found in a well and brought home who
 used to put rotting meat in my closet and wake me up by chewing on my face,
 until put him back outside and never saw him again.
 9. My one cousin who used to come over for the summer who kept calling me
 pi帽ata and hitting me with sticks, until he went back home and was sent to juvie
 cause he finally got caught torturing animals
 10. The time I got lost on the way to a meeting and wound up at a circus tent
 instead, and got followed by a full-out clown for three vacant street blocks
 11. The pet hamster I had when I was seven who would scream all night and
 eventually escaped by ripping a bar out of its cage and wiggling through the
 hole. My mom caught it and put it back but it lived another year and a half until
 one night the screaming just stopped
 12. The time I was whistling in the woods and something started whistling back,
 so I went home
 13. That one night at summer camp where a group of girls got together to play
 bloody mary' in the lavatory and invited me to come with them so I said "no
 thanks and stayed with the camp councillors and drank soup instead.
 14. The old abandoned house I just moved into with the door that leads into a
 big empty room full of dirt and empty cooking pots that I just sort of... locked up
 forever and never go near
 15. Once when I was at an ihop I saw a coffee mug do a full 360掳 spin with
 nobody touching it, so I said 'that was neat and never ate there again
 16. The time I tcok a photo of a big old raven sitting on the crucifix on top of the
 old town church cause it was the most goth thing I'd ever seen, right? But then it
 swooped down towards me, so I apologized immediately for being rude, and I
 felt a little silly for a while but the car that hit me on the way home didn't even
 leave a bruise so Idk be nice to blrds.
 teaboot
 Sorry I know I bring this shit up a lot but sometimes im awake at night and I just.
 keep thinking
 teaboot
 I think the secret to survival Is to be good to animals, stay away from men, and
 say "no thanks" to everything else
 grandmother slime @artyin....29. aug.
 if I say goodnight and an hour later you see me
 online it's not that I lied it's just that I failed
 meirl
 theyellowbrickroad
 Did I ever tell u guys about the time my ex legitimately thought he killed me withi
 theyellowbrickroad
 Ok so picture this I'm 18 and excited about sex, trying out some new positions
 We are having sex in a pretty similar position to this
 And my pussy Is so wet it might as well be a god damn Sllp N Slde ok. And he's
 pounding at it fast and hard but slips out and goes to go right back in... But
 something is wrong. He's about to enter..
 The. Wrong. Hole.
 And my eyes widen, I go to shout "nooaolllI' But it's all happening too fast. He
 thrusts right into my unlubed asshole and I scream like murder and leap right up
 onto my feet.
 We had only been cating a couple of months at this time and there was
 something very important he did not know about me: I am a chronic fainter, If I'm
 in pain or if I see my own blood, I will pass the fuck out. I get real quiet and turn
 to him and say, "I am going to pass out.
 He doesn't know I'm sertous, he thinks I'm Just being emotional, and he's Ilke "no
 baby come here but as he finishes that sentence i faint and my head ping
 pongs off my metal bed frame, onto the wall and then finally my whole body falls
 on the ground.
 He has never seen anybody faint before and naturally assumes I'm dead. A
 couple minutes later I awaken to him scbbing into my naked chest. Like this
 motherfucker really thought he sent me to the grave with some accidental anal
 soorajmakhi
 SIMONE I AM YELLING
 katielittlejohn
 Joining tumblr was worth it just to read this. I didn't make a terrible mistake 9
 years ago, after all.
 vulpemarshmallow
 I'm really invested in the idea of elves having twitchy ears that reflect their
 emoticns. I'm also invested in the idea of elves having a hard time reading
 humans because their ears don't move-and really, that's like talking to someone
 who never moves thelr eyebrows for them.
 my elves are just weird cats
 screenageralex
 Being 18-25 is like playing a video game where you've skipped the tutorlal and
 you're just sort of running about with no idea how anything works
 rumbutt
 Being 25-30 is like later on in the game when you've figured out how things
 work, but have made poor leveling decisions along the way and are now horibly
 underpowered for what you're supposed to be doing.
 Victory
 Today 12:23 a.m.
 This may sound like I'm
 fucking with you but I'm not.
 was recently diagnosed with
 a terminal disease called
 cyroaudiovascularmexia.
 Google it if you want.
 Essentially, I don't get enough
 blood flow to my ears so they
 are slowly freezing, and they
 will soon fall off and it will
 spread to my inner ear and
 brain. There is no cure, but
 there is one stopgap I need
 go warm my ears constantly
 to save my life and the only
 material soft enough is the
 inner thigh of a pretty girl. So l
 need you to sit on my face. For
 medical reasons
 Girl are you a gorila exhibit?
 Cause I wanna drop a baby in
 you
 tinderventure
 My blo says "send me your best and shittest plckup lines but don't tell me which
 digivolvin
 men in greek mythology? scoundrels. just terrible. woeful social skills.
 murderers. kidnappers. violent misogynists. most of them.. never described as
 handscme so we have to assume they were ugly.
 narcissus? unproblematic. beacon of transformative self love. king of the
 swerve. gay icon. couldn't recognize his refiection but neither can my dog, we
 aren't holding thet against him.
 aegardian-viking
 Narcissus wrote this
 exphautaz
 I refuse to believe Narcissus could read.
 digivolvin
 i've been thinking about this response for the better part of 2 hours and it hasn't
 gotten less hysterically funny to me
 vampireapologist
 I think a lot about who I am to cther people in the world-particular who I am to
 strangers as a mere concept in their lives.
 Today this woman called our information desk and said, "my son's band is
 playing tonight. I want to come see him, but he never answers his phone.
 want to be there. Have you heard anything about his band?
 And I felt so bad for this lady but I'm not in the music scene around here so I had
 Five hours later. I'm hiking and run into a group of guys setting up for some
 outdoor perfornmance, and as I watch them unload the drums it hits me.
 "Hey. I said, are y'all in a band??"
 They sald yeah and smled and I told them "one of your moms called today. She
 wants to watch you play. but she can't get a hold of you. Call your mom.
 And they all pulled out their phones and started discussing whose mom it
 probably was as they presumably dialed their own.
 And now. unless we meet again and recognize each other, that's who I'll be
 forever to those guys-some mysterious courier for mom-messages who came
 out of the woods and told them their mcm called.
 I didn't even tell them why their mom called me. Who am I to their mom??
 Noboay even asked. They just took my word for it and called their mothers.
 Amazing
 vamplreapologist
 quantim-mechanics
 Truth emerging from the
 IM LAUGHINGIlI THEY DIDN'T EVEN ASK WHO I AM.
 Andrew Wogas Opposing marriage equality because people are mean
 to you is the worst possible argument, just admit you're a cunt and were
 never going to vote yes Vikki
 Andrew Wogas people like you are why lots of us are
 Vikki
 voting no, what would your mother think if she knew you called women
 the c-word online
 Andrew Wogas Let's find out? Hey Kellie Wogas
 Kellie Wogas Vikki
Kellie: The World Of SEINFELD Isabel Donna Melanie Vanessa Marlene Louise (Gretchen German) (Tawney Katean (Athena Massey) (Lynn Clark) (Tracy Kolis) (Tamara Bick) Marlene (Tracy Kolis) Sandra (Lisa Malkiewicz) Naomi (Jessica Lundy) Sandi Lena Marisa Tomei (Marisa Tomei) Danielle (Chelsea Noble) (Jennifer Guthrie) (Jann Karam) Laura (Marlee Matlin) Marla the Virgin (Jane Leeves) Celia Morgan (Andrea Bendewald) Betsy (Megan Mullally) Christie (Lisa Deane) Friend/Acquaintance Laura (Pamela Brull) Gillian In a relationship with (Kristin Bauer) Becky (Helen Slater) Gwen (Linda Kash) Anna Audrey (Suzanne Snyder) (Rebecca McFarland) Beth Valerie Boss/Co-worker (Debra Messing) (Lauren Graham) Diane Janet Lanette Celia Family (Rosalind Allen) (Tracy Nelson) (Amanda Peete) (Julia Pennington) Sophie (Cindy Ambuehl) Melissa (Kathleen McClellan) Karen Vivian Claire Sara Sidarides (Marcia Cross) (Lisa Edelstein) (Kellie Waymire) (Sara Rose Peterson) Sheila (Alexandra Wentworthh) Nina Julie (Michelle Forbes) Tara (Catherine Keener) Patty (Lori Loughlin) Jenna (Audrey Kissel) (Kristin Davis) Pam Ellen Audrey (Susan Diol) Marcy (Suzanne Cryer) Miranda (Arabella Field) (Kim Myers) (Christine Taylor) Nicky (Danette Tays) Misc. characters Jodi associated with Jerry (Jennifer Coolidge) Meryl (Courtney Cox) Shelly (Dana Wheeler-Nicholson) Cynthia (Maggie Wheeler) Heather Patrice (Valerie Mahaffey) Cheryl (Maggie Han) Lt. Bookman (Philip Baker Hal) Holly (Stacey Travis) Tony (Brad Garrett) Sidra (Kymberly Kalil) (Teri Hatcher) Miss Rhode Island Alex (Melinda Clarke) Siena Paula Milos Mable Choate (Marguerite Macintyre) Anna Jane (Jami Gertz) (Katy Selverstone) (Christa Miller) (Mark Harelik) (Frances Bay) (Anna Gunn) Daphne Bower (Karla Tamburrelli) Nancy (Marla Sucharetza) Gavin The Doorman Victoria Dolores Babu Bhatt (Brian George) (Dedee Pfeiffer) (Larry Miller) (Joseph Maher) (Susan Walters) Matthew (John Christian Graas) Phil Tawni Lindsey Enright (Jessica Hecht) Evie Katie (Louis Mustillo) (Kimberley Campbell) Tia Van Camp (Jennifer Campbell) (Bridget Sienna) Poppie (Reni Santoni) (Debra Jo Rupp) Ramon Artie Levine Robin (Melanie Chartoff) Mary Anne (Rena Sofer) (Carlos Jacott) (Ron Steelman) Tim Whatley (Bryan Cranston) Rachel Goldstein (Melanie Smith) Mr. Ross (Warren Frost) Mrs. Ross Alec Berg (Mark DeCarlo) Nana Bonnie (Jessica Tuck) Nina (Billye Ree Wallace) (Charlotte Lewis) Kenny Bania (Steve Hytner) Sally Weaver (Kathy Griffin) Joel Horneck (Kevin Dunn) Jeannie Steinman (Janeane Garofalo) Uncle Leo Helen Seinfeld (Liz Sheridan) (Grace Zabriskie) Allison (Kari Coleman) Denise (Len Lesser) (Joan Scheckel) Susan Ross Morty Seinfeld (Barney Martin/Phil Bruns) Jack Klompus (Sandy Baron) Izzy Mandelbaum (Lloyd Bridges) Margeret (Marita Geraghty) (Heidi Swedberg) Reilly (Joel Polis) Russell Dalrymple (Bob Balaban)| Molly Dalrymple The Bubble Boy (Denise Richards) (Jon Hayman) Jerry Seinfeld (Jerry Seinfeld) Jean-Paul Jean-Paul (Jeremiah Birkett) Mr. Morgan (Tom Wright) Mr. Kruger (Daniel von Bargen) George Steinbrenner (Larry David, Lee Bear) Joe Mayo (Wendel Meldrum) Newman Alton Benes (Wayne Knight) (Lawrence Tierny) Sue Ellen Mischke (Brenda Strong) George Costanza (Jason Alexander) "Crazy" Joe Davola (Peter Crombie) Elaine Benes (Julia Louis-Dreyfus) Mr. Wilhelm (Richard Herd) Jimmy (Anthony Starke) Rabbi Glickman David Puddy (Patrick Warburton) Estelle Constanza (Estelle Harris) Frank Constanza (Jerry Stiller/John Randolph) Mr. Lippman (Harris Shore, Richard Fancy) (Bruce Mahler) The Drake (Rick Overton) Jason Hanke (James Spader) Jake Jarmel Justin Pitt (lan Abercrombie) Misc. characters associated with Elaine Deena The Soup Nazi (Larry Thomas) Cosmo Kramer (Michael Richards) (Marty Rackham) (Mary Jo Keenan) Gary Fogel (Jon Lovitz) Hal Kitzmiller (Vince Grant) Denim Vest (Kevin McDonald) Jacapo Peterman (John O'Hurley) Tina Robbins (Siobhan Fallon Hogan) Barbara Kramer Frank Constanza's lawyer (Larry David) (Sheree Nort Ned Isakoff (Todd Kimsey) Ping (Ping Wu) Peggy (Megan Cole) Wendy (Wendy Malick) Tor Eckman Misc. characters associated with George (Stephen Tobolowsky) Ricky (Sam Lloyd) Daryl (Samuel Bliss Cooper) Llyod Braun (Peter Keleghan, Matt McCoy) Eddie Sherman (Ned Bellamy) Michael Barth Boy in pizza palor (Drake Bell) Larry (Lawrence Mandley) Joe Temple (Robert Hooks) Remy Temple (Diana Theodore) Rebecca DeMornay Lola (Donna Evans) Emily (Sarah Silverman) Cop#1 (Neil Flynn) Joel Rifkin Kevin (Jeremy Piven) Wyck Thayer (Bruce Davison) Bob Cobb (Maestro) (Mark Metcalf) (Tim DeKay) Bob Grossberg (Rob Schneider) (Anthony Cistaro) The close talker Tony (Dan Cortese) Jackie Chiles Sam (Judge Reinhold) The Doctor (Victor Raider-Wexler) Connie (Phil Morris) Mickey Abbot (Danny Woodburn) (Molly Shannon) (Lisa Arch) Hildy (Linda Walle) Kurt Jack (Toby Huss) Mickey's mother Uill St. John) Barry (Patton Oswalt) (John Michael Higgins) Dugan (Joe Urla) John Germaine Carl (David James Elliott) Mike Moffit (Lee Arenberg) Sid Marion (Jeff Yagher) Jay Brooks) (Sonya Eddy) (Ashley Gardner) Sal Bass Gail (Anita Barone) (Tony Amendola) Franklin Delana Romanowski (Michael McShane) Leslie Misc. characters associated with Cosmo (Wendel Meldrum) Audrey (Susan Diol) Anna Caddy (Armin Shimerman) Corky Ramirez (Never appears on-screen) Bob Sacamano (Never appears on-screen) Lomez Earl Haffler (O'Neal Compton) Postmaster General (Lili Bernard) Olive (Sunday Theodore) Cheryl (Lisa Houle) Mona Darin the intern (Viveka Davis) (Jarrad Paul) (Wilford Brimley) Rusty (Jon Gries) Roberta Slippery Pete (Peter Stormare) (Molly Hagan) Ellen (Never appears on-screen) DAILY FILL (Never appears on-screen) Jay Riemenschneider (Never appears on-screen) Noreen Artie (Kelly Coffield) (Brian Posehn) Get yours. Handy guide for the World of Seinfeld by DailyFill
Kellie: The World Of
 SEINFELD
 Isabel
 Donna
 Melanie
 Vanessa
 Marlene
 Louise
 (Gretchen German)
 (Tawney Katean
 (Athena Massey)
 (Lynn Clark)
 (Tracy Kolis)
 (Tamara Bick)
 Marlene
 (Tracy Kolis)
 Sandra
 (Lisa Malkiewicz)
 Naomi
 (Jessica Lundy)
 Sandi
 Lena
 Marisa Tomei
 (Marisa Tomei)
 Danielle
 (Chelsea Noble)
 (Jennifer Guthrie)
 (Jann Karam)
 Laura
 (Marlee Matlin)
 Marla the Virgin
 (Jane Leeves)
 Celia Morgan
 (Andrea Bendewald)
 Betsy
 (Megan Mullally)
 Christie
 (Lisa Deane)
 Friend/Acquaintance
 Laura
 (Pamela Brull)
 Gillian
 In a relationship with
 (Kristin Bauer)
 Becky
 (Helen Slater)
 Gwen
 (Linda Kash)
 Anna
 Audrey
 (Suzanne Snyder)
 (Rebecca McFarland)
 Beth
 Valerie
 Boss/Co-worker
 (Debra Messing)
 (Lauren Graham)
 Diane
 Janet
 Lanette
 Celia
 Family
 (Rosalind Allen)
 (Tracy Nelson)
 (Amanda Peete)
 (Julia Pennington)
 Sophie
 (Cindy Ambuehl)
 Melissa
 (Kathleen McClellan)
 Karen
 Vivian
 Claire
 Sara Sidarides
 (Marcia Cross)
 (Lisa Edelstein)
 (Kellie Waymire)
 (Sara Rose Peterson)
 Sheila
 (Alexandra Wentworthh)
 Nina
 Julie
 (Michelle Forbes)
 Tara
 (Catherine Keener)
 Patty
 (Lori Loughlin)
 Jenna
 (Audrey Kissel)
 (Kristin Davis)
 Pam
 Ellen
 Audrey
 (Susan Diol)
 Marcy
 (Suzanne Cryer)
 Miranda
 (Arabella Field)
 (Kim Myers)
 (Christine Taylor)
 Nicky
 (Danette Tays)
 Misc. characters
 Jodi
 associated with Jerry
 (Jennifer Coolidge)
 Meryl
 (Courtney Cox)
 Shelly
 (Dana Wheeler-Nicholson)
 Cynthia
 (Maggie Wheeler)
 Heather
 Patrice
 (Valerie Mahaffey)
 Cheryl
 (Maggie Han)
 Lt. Bookman
 (Philip Baker Hal)
 Holly
 (Stacey Travis)
 Tony
 (Brad Garrett)
 Sidra
 (Kymberly Kalil)
 (Teri Hatcher)
 Miss Rhode Island
 Alex
 (Melinda Clarke)
 Siena
 Paula
 Milos Mable Choate
 (Marguerite Macintyre)
 Anna
 Jane
 (Jami Gertz)
 (Katy Selverstone)
 (Christa Miller)
 (Mark Harelik)
 (Frances Bay)
 (Anna Gunn)
 Daphne Bower
 (Karla Tamburrelli)
 Nancy
 (Marla Sucharetza)
 Gavin The Doorman
 Victoria
 Dolores
 Babu Bhatt
 (Brian George)
 (Dedee Pfeiffer)
 (Larry Miller)
 (Joseph Maher)
 (Susan Walters)
 Matthew
 (John Christian Graas)
 Phil
 Tawni
 Lindsey Enright
 (Jessica Hecht)
 Evie
 Katie
 (Louis Mustillo)
 (Kimberley Campbell)
 Tia Van Camp
 (Jennifer Campbell)
 (Bridget Sienna)
 Poppie
 (Reni Santoni)
 (Debra Jo Rupp)
 Ramon
 Artie Levine
 Robin
 (Melanie Chartoff)
 Mary Anne
 (Rena Sofer)
 (Carlos Jacott)
 (Ron Steelman)
 Tim Whatley
 (Bryan Cranston)
 Rachel Goldstein
 (Melanie Smith)
 Mr. Ross
 (Warren Frost)
 Mrs. Ross
 Alec Berg
 (Mark DeCarlo)
 Nana
 Bonnie
 (Jessica Tuck)
 Nina
 (Billye Ree Wallace)
 (Charlotte Lewis)
 Kenny Bania
 (Steve Hytner)
 Sally Weaver
 (Kathy Griffin)
 Joel Horneck
 (Kevin Dunn)
 Jeannie Steinman
 (Janeane Garofalo)
 Uncle Leo
 Helen Seinfeld
 (Liz Sheridan)
 (Grace Zabriskie)
 Allison
 (Kari Coleman)
 Denise
 (Len Lesser)
 (Joan Scheckel)
 Susan Ross
 Morty Seinfeld
 (Barney Martin/Phil Bruns)
 Jack Klompus
 (Sandy Baron)
 Izzy Mandelbaum
 (Lloyd Bridges)
 Margeret
 (Marita Geraghty)
 (Heidi Swedberg)
 Reilly
 (Joel Polis)
 Russell Dalrymple
 (Bob Balaban)| Molly Dalrymple
 The Bubble Boy (Denise Richards)
 (Jon Hayman)
 Jerry Seinfeld
 (Jerry Seinfeld)
 Jean-Paul Jean-Paul
 (Jeremiah Birkett)
 Mr. Morgan
 (Tom Wright)
 Mr. Kruger
 (Daniel von Bargen)
 George Steinbrenner
 (Larry David, Lee Bear)
 Joe Mayo
 (Wendel Meldrum)
 Newman
 Alton Benes
 (Wayne Knight)
 (Lawrence Tierny)
 Sue Ellen Mischke
 (Brenda Strong)
 George Costanza
 (Jason Alexander)
 "Crazy" Joe Davola
 (Peter Crombie)
 Elaine Benes
 (Julia Louis-Dreyfus)
 Mr. Wilhelm
 (Richard Herd)
 Jimmy
 (Anthony Starke)
 Rabbi Glickman
 David Puddy
 (Patrick Warburton)
 Estelle Constanza
 (Estelle Harris)
 Frank Constanza
 (Jerry Stiller/John Randolph)
 Mr. Lippman
 (Harris Shore, Richard Fancy)
 (Bruce Mahler)
 The Drake
 (Rick Overton)
 Jason Hanke
 (James Spader)
 Jake Jarmel
 Justin Pitt
 (lan Abercrombie)
 Misc. characters
 associated with Elaine
 Deena
 The Soup Nazi
 (Larry Thomas)
 Cosmo Kramer
 (Michael Richards)
 (Marty Rackham)
 (Mary Jo Keenan)
 Gary Fogel
 (Jon Lovitz)
 Hal Kitzmiller
 (Vince Grant)
 Denim Vest
 (Kevin McDonald)
 Jacapo Peterman
 (John O'Hurley)
 Tina Robbins
 (Siobhan Fallon Hogan)
 Barbara Kramer
 Frank Constanza's lawyer
 (Larry David)
 (Sheree Nort
 Ned Isakoff
 (Todd Kimsey)
 Ping
 (Ping Wu)
 Peggy
 (Megan Cole)
 Wendy
 (Wendy Malick)
 Tor Eckman
 Misc. characters
 associated with George
 (Stephen Tobolowsky)
 Ricky
 (Sam Lloyd)
 Daryl
 (Samuel Bliss Cooper)
 Llyod Braun
 (Peter Keleghan, Matt McCoy)
 Eddie Sherman
 (Ned Bellamy)
 Michael Barth
 Boy in pizza palor
 (Drake Bell)
 Larry
 (Lawrence Mandley)
 Joe Temple
 (Robert Hooks)
 Remy Temple
 (Diana Theodore)
 Rebecca DeMornay
 Lola
 (Donna Evans)
 Emily
 (Sarah Silverman)
 Cop#1
 (Neil Flynn)
 Joel Rifkin Kevin
 (Jeremy Piven)
 Wyck Thayer
 (Bruce Davison)
 Bob Cobb (Maestro)
 (Mark Metcalf)
 (Tim DeKay)
 Bob Grossberg
 (Rob Schneider)
 (Anthony Cistaro)
 The close talker
 Tony
 (Dan Cortese)
 Jackie Chiles
 Sam
 (Judge Reinhold)
 The Doctor
 (Victor Raider-Wexler)
 Connie
 (Phil Morris)
 Mickey Abbot
 (Danny Woodburn)
 (Molly Shannon)
 (Lisa Arch)
 Hildy
 (Linda Walle)
 Kurt Jack
 (Toby Huss)
 Mickey's mother
 Uill St. John)
 Barry
 (Patton Oswalt)
 (John Michael Higgins)
 Dugan
 (Joe Urla)
 John Germaine
 Carl
 (David James Elliott)
 Mike Moffit
 (Lee Arenberg)
 Sid
 Marion
 (Jeff Yagher)
 Jay Brooks)
 (Sonya Eddy)
 (Ashley Gardner)
 Sal Bass
 Gail
 (Anita Barone)
 (Tony Amendola)
 Franklin Delana Romanowski
 (Michael McShane)
 Leslie
 Misc. characters
 associated with Cosmo
 (Wendel Meldrum)
 Audrey
 (Susan Diol)
 Anna
 Caddy
 (Armin Shimerman)
 Corky Ramirez
 (Never appears on-screen)
 Bob Sacamano
 (Never appears on-screen)
 Lomez
 Earl Haffler
 (O'Neal Compton)
 Postmaster General
 (Lili Bernard)
 Olive
 (Sunday Theodore)
 Cheryl
 (Lisa Houle)
 Mona
 Darin the intern
 (Viveka Davis)
 (Jarrad Paul)
 (Wilford Brimley)
 Rusty
 (Jon Gries)
 Roberta
 Slippery Pete
 (Peter Stormare)
 (Molly Hagan)
 Ellen
 (Never appears on-screen)
 DAILY FILL
 (Never appears on-screen)
 Jay Riemenschneider
 (Never appears on-screen)
 Noreen
 Artie
 (Kelly Coffield)
 (Brian Posehn)
 Get yours.
Handy guide for the World of Seinfeld by DailyFill

Handy guide for the World of Seinfeld by DailyFill