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like crazy: inquisitorhotpants: burntcopper: futureevilscientist: optimysticals: uovoc: konec0: sleepyferret: shitfacedanon: dat-soldier: sonnetscrewdriver: dat-soldier: did-you-kno: Source back the fuck up There’s another story that I like about a Chinese general who had to defend a city with only a handful of soldiers from a huge enemy horde that was in all likelihood going to steamroll the place flat within hours of showing up. So when said horde did arrive, they saw the general sitting outside the city’s open gates, drinking tea. The horde sent a couple of emissaries over to see what was what, and the general greeted them cheerfully and invited them all to come and take tea with him. The horde decided that this was a scenario that had “MASSIVE FUCKING TRAP” written all over it in beautiful calligraphy and promptly fucked off. Whoever that general was, he was clearly the Ancient Chinese equivalent of Sam Vimes. did he just invite us over for tea nah man i’m out This just keeps getting better I fucking love history. ok but tbh that story misses a lot of the subtlety of the situation like ok so this story is the Romance of Three Kingdoms, and essentially takes place between Zhuge Liang, resident tactician extraordinaire, and Sima Yi… OTHER resident tactician extraordinaire. The two were both regarded as tactical geniuses and recognized the other as their rival. Zhuge Liang had a reputation for ambushing the SHIT out of his opponents and using the environment to his advantage, thus destroying large armies with a small number of men. Sima Yi (who kind of entered the picture later) was a cautious person whose speciality was unravelling his opponent’s plans before they began. So it was natural that the two would butt heads; however, since Sima Yi tended to have more men and resources, he started winning battles against the former. Which, y’know, kinda sucked. On to the actual story: Zhuge Liang is all like “shit i gotta defend this city with like 10 men.” Literally if he fights ANY kind of battle here, he WILL lose; his only option for survival is not to fight. And that’s looking more and more impossible until he hears that his rival is leading the opposing army. And then he gets this brilliant idea. He basically opens all the gates, sends his men out in civilian clothes to sweep the streets, and sits on top of the gate drinking tea and chilling out and basically makes the whole thing out to be a trap When Sima Yi comes he’s all like “yo come on in bro” and Sima Yi is like “yeah he’s never been that obvious about his traps before. this is definitely a bluff” and he’s about to head in when he realizes wait. he knows that i think he’s bluffing. and so he gets it in his head that maybe, just MAYBE, Zhuge Liang has this cunning plan that will wipe out his army - recall that he has a pretty good handle on what his rival is capable of. And after a long period of deliberation (which is just like “he know that I know that he knows that etc.”), being the cautious man he is, SIma Yi eventually decides to turn his entire army around and leave. Zhuge Liang later points out that the plan was based specifically on the fact that he was facing his rival; if it had been anyone else, there’s no way it would have worked. A dumber or less cautious person would have simply charged in and won without breaking a sweat.  and that’s the real genius here: it was a plan formed entirely just to deceive one man, and it worked. Zhuge Liang is the most brilliant, sneaky-ass bastard in history. One time his side’s army was out of arrows, which pretty much meant they were screwed. So Zhuge Liang goes and does the logical thing, which is build a fuck ton of scarecrows and put them all on boats. Then he makes the men hide in the boats and sail them out on the river. Well, that day was super foggy (which Zhuge Liang had predicted. Did I mention he was also a freakishly accurate meteorologist?). So the enemy across the river sees a fleet of boats armed to the teeth with what appears to be half an army of men. They panic! and start firing arrows like crazy.  Zhuge Liang lets this play out for a while, then he’s like, ”Ok guys that’s enough.” They calmly turn the boats around and go back to base, where they dismantle the scarecrows and pull out all the enemy’s arrows. Zhuge Liang is legend. I love this post. It just keeps getting better. Like seriously, I would have adored learning about this in World History. If you want to see this in cinematic glory, watch Red Cliff. Especially since it makes Zhuge Liang look like this: Red Cliff is 50% bloody battles and 50% eye candy and about half of that eye-candy is due to Zhuge Liang I fully support watching Red Cliff; it’s gloriously silly entertainment during the battle scenes. Guess what just got moved to the top of my watch list?? :D
like crazy: inquisitorhotpants:

burntcopper:

futureevilscientist:

optimysticals:

uovoc:

konec0:

sleepyferret:

shitfacedanon:

dat-soldier:

sonnetscrewdriver:

dat-soldier:

did-you-kno:

Source


back the fuck up


There’s another story that I like about a Chinese general who had to defend a city with only a handful of soldiers from a huge enemy horde that was in all likelihood going to steamroll the place flat within hours of showing up.
So when said horde did arrive, they saw the general sitting outside the city’s open gates, drinking tea. The horde sent a couple of emissaries over to see what was what, and the general greeted them cheerfully and invited them all to come and take tea with him.
The horde decided that this was a scenario that had “MASSIVE FUCKING TRAP” written all over it in beautiful calligraphy and promptly fucked off.
Whoever that general was, he was clearly the Ancient Chinese equivalent of Sam Vimes.


did he just invite us over for tea nah man i’m out


This just keeps getting better

I fucking love history.

ok but tbh that story misses a lot of the subtlety of the situation like ok
so this story is the Romance of Three Kingdoms, and essentially takes place between Zhuge Liang, resident tactician extraordinaire, and Sima Yi… OTHER resident tactician extraordinaire.
The two were both regarded as tactical geniuses and recognized the other as their rival. Zhuge Liang had a reputation for ambushing the SHIT out of his opponents and using the environment to his advantage, thus destroying large armies with a small number of men. Sima Yi (who kind of entered the picture later) was a cautious person whose speciality was unravelling his opponent’s plans before they began. So it was natural that the two would butt heads; however, since Sima Yi tended to have more men and resources, he started winning battles against the former. Which, y’know, kinda sucked.
On to the actual story: Zhuge Liang is all like “shit i gotta defend this city with like 10 men.” Literally if he fights ANY kind of battle here, he WILL lose; his only option for survival is not to fight. And that’s looking more and more impossible until he hears that his rival is leading the opposing army. And then he gets this brilliant idea. He basically opens all the gates, sends his men out in civilian clothes to sweep the streets, and sits on top of the gate drinking tea and chilling out and basically makes the whole thing out to be a trap
When Sima Yi comes he’s all like “yo come on in bro”
and Sima Yi is like “yeah he’s never been that obvious about his traps before. this is definitely a bluff” and he’s about to head in when he realizes
wait. he knows that i think he’s bluffing.
and so he gets it in his head that maybe, just MAYBE, Zhuge Liang has this cunning plan that will wipe out his army - recall that he has a pretty good handle on what his rival is capable of. And after a long period of deliberation (which is just like “he know that I know that he knows that etc.”), being the cautious man he is, SIma Yi eventually decides to turn his entire army around and leave.
Zhuge Liang later points out that the plan was based specifically on the fact that he was facing his rival; if it had been anyone else, there’s no way it would have worked. A dumber or less cautious person would have simply charged in and won without breaking a sweat. 
and that’s the real genius here: it was a plan formed entirely just to deceive one man, and it worked.

Zhuge Liang is the most brilliant, sneaky-ass bastard in history. One time his side’s army was out of arrows, which pretty much meant they were screwed. So Zhuge Liang goes and does the logical thing, which is build a fuck ton of scarecrows and put them all on boats. Then he makes the men hide in the boats and sail them out on the river.
Well, that day was super foggy (which Zhuge Liang had predicted. Did I mention he was also a freakishly accurate meteorologist?). So the enemy across the river sees a fleet of boats armed to the teeth with what appears to be half an army of men. They panic! and start firing arrows like crazy. 
Zhuge Liang lets this play out for a while, then he’s like, ”Ok guys that’s enough.” They calmly turn the boats around and go back to base, where they dismantle the scarecrows and pull out all the enemy’s arrows.
Zhuge Liang is legend.

I love this post. It just keeps getting better. Like seriously, I would have adored learning about this in World History.

If you want to see this in cinematic glory, watch Red Cliff.
Especially since it makes Zhuge Liang look like this:
Red Cliff is 50% bloody battles and 50% eye candy and about half of that eye-candy is due to Zhuge Liang

I fully support watching Red Cliff; it’s gloriously silly entertainment during the battle scenes.

Guess what just got moved to the top of my watch list?? :D

inquisitorhotpants: burntcopper: futureevilscientist: optimysticals: uovoc: konec0: sleepyferret: shitfacedanon: dat-soldier: so...

like crazy: >14786690 (OP) well you know what they say Cum and go Drip and dip Nail and bail Nut then strut Plow and ciao Suck and duck Skeet and yeet Hit it and quit it Ram and scram Screw and sho0 Shoot and scoot Squirt and revert Smash and dash Skeet and retreat Rape and escape Hump then dump Kiss then dismiss Finger don't linger Cuddle then scuttle Breed then proceed Get lade then evade Jack of then back off Ejaculate and evacuate Go down and skip town Impregnate and immigrate Tear her apart then depart Bust a nut then leave the hut Fuck her ass then hit the gas Suck her toes then say adios Fill her hole then take a stroll Shoot the Jizz then out you is Spray DNA and refuse to stay Smash mouth and dash south Give her cock then run a block Make a baby and run like crazy Smash her rear then disappear Hit the spot then ditch the thot Blow your load and hit the road Shoot the glaze then run aways Shoot your goo and say "adieu" Give her meat then hit the street Shoot your shit then fucking split Get some brain then ride the train Paint her face and leave the place Give her the dick and get out quick Fill the crack and never come back Ruin her sheets then hit the streets Rock her box then change the locks Insert your cock then promptly walk Make her your play mate and vacate Slide in your meat then hit the street Fertilize her seed then need for speed Empty your sack and don't come back Cum on her back then get on the track Fuck her fast then leave her in the past Get insider her gown then get out of town Prove you ain't gay then run the fuck away Please your monkey and leave the country Take her virginity then change your vicinity Give it to the lad then make like a black dad Prompt her wetting then change your setting Explore your sexuality then reposition your locality Upload your generic information then appear in a different nation Preform vaginal penetration then proceed to change your location Put yourseif inside her a fair amount then change your physical whereabouts Also known as one night stand
like crazy: >14786690 (OP)
 well you know what they say
 Cum and go
 Drip and dip
 Nail and bail
 Nut then strut
 Plow and ciao
 Suck and duck
 Skeet and yeet
 Hit it and quit it
 Ram and scram
 Screw and sho0
 Shoot and scoot
 Squirt and revert
 Smash and dash
 Skeet and retreat
 Rape and escape
 Hump then dump
 Kiss then dismiss
 Finger don't linger
 Cuddle then scuttle
 Breed then proceed
 Get lade then evade
 Jack of then back off
 Ejaculate and evacuate
 Go down and skip town
 Impregnate and immigrate
 Tear her apart then depart
 Bust a nut then leave the hut
 Fuck her ass then hit the gas
 Suck her toes then say adios
 Fill her hole then take a stroll
 Shoot the Jizz then out you is
 Spray DNA and refuse to stay
 Smash mouth and dash south
 Give her cock then run a block
 Make a baby and run like crazy
 Smash her rear then disappear
 Hit the spot then ditch the thot
 Blow your load and hit the road
 Shoot the glaze then run aways
 Shoot your goo and say "adieu"
 Give her meat then hit the street
 Shoot your shit then fucking split
 Get some brain then ride the train
 Paint her face and leave the place
 Give her the dick and get out quick
 Fill the crack and never come back
 Ruin her sheets then hit the streets
 Rock her box then change the locks
 Insert your cock then promptly walk
 Make her your play mate and vacate
 Slide in your meat then hit the street
 Fertilize her seed then need for speed
 Empty your sack and don't come back
 Cum on her back then get on the track
 Fuck her fast then leave her in the past
 Get insider her gown then get out of town
 Prove you ain't gay then run the fuck away
 Please your monkey and leave the country
 Take her virginity then change your vicinity
 Give it to the lad then make like a black dad
 Prompt her wetting then change your setting
 Explore your sexuality then reposition your locality
 Upload your generic information then appear in a different nation
 Preform vaginal penetration then proceed to change your location
 Put yourseif inside her a fair amount then change your physical whereabouts
Also known as one night stand

Also known as one night stand

like crazy: Yes. You wish and you dream with all your little heart But you remember, lTiana, that that old star can only take you part of the way You got to help it along with some hard work of your owrn, and then, yeah, you can do anything you set your mind to cephalopodvictorious: roarkshop: natvarmac: datunofficialdisneyprincess: theassofremylebeau: Best lesson from a Disney movie This is an underrated movie This is a grossly underrated movie. Can I take a minute to rant? Good. Cuz I’m gonna. I FLOVE this movie. And I HATE all the stupid hatred it gets. For a long time the buzz was “finally a black princess yay!” and now everyone is like “Fuck this movie, first black princess and she spends the whole movie a frog.” You know what? Fuck that. Because Ariel spent a good majority of the movie not talking. Mulan spent the majority of the move pretending to be a man. Aurora and Snow White? Asleep (Hardly in the movie at all). They’re all just plot devices, not designed to take away from the traits of the women.  And you know what else? Unlike some of the other princesses, Tiana is in control of her destiny every step of the way. When she turns into the frog does she lose hope and need rescuing? Hell naw. She busts Naveen over the head and gets the job done. She is consistently responsible and capable even after having her dreams crushed and turning into a freaking frog.  So don’t tell me that Tiana is “less than” just because she gets turned into a frog. She’s still one of the most hardworking, badass, and capable chicks in animated history and I love her like crazy cakes.  the end.  Also? She’s based on a real person. A real woman who is 91 and is still cooking in her kitchen. She’s still widely respected in the culinary community, she’s fed presidents, she’s had songs written about her and her restaurants. She’s 91, and she still wakes up every morning to run things, because she still believes in hard work and good food. And if you don’t think that’s truly fantastic, then you can just fuck right off.
like crazy: Yes. You wish and you dream
 with all your little heart

 But you remember, lTiana, that

 that old star can only take you
 part of the way

 You got to help it along with
 some hard work of your owrn,

 and then, yeah, you can do anything
 you set your mind to
cephalopodvictorious:
roarkshop:

natvarmac:

datunofficialdisneyprincess:

theassofremylebeau:

Best lesson from a Disney movie

This is an underrated movie

This is a grossly underrated movie.

Can I take a minute to rant? Good. Cuz I’m gonna.
I FLOVE this movie. And I HATE all the stupid hatred it gets. For a long time the buzz was “finally a black princess yay!” and now everyone is like “Fuck this movie, first black princess and she spends the whole movie a frog.”
You know what? Fuck that. Because Ariel spent a good majority of the movie not talking. Mulan spent the majority of the move pretending to be a man. Aurora and Snow White? Asleep (Hardly in the movie at all). They’re all just plot devices, not designed to take away from the traits of the women. 
And you know what else? Unlike some of the other princesses, Tiana is in control of her destiny every step of the way. When she turns into the frog does she lose hope and need rescuing? Hell naw. She busts Naveen over the head and gets the job done. She is consistently responsible and capable even after having her dreams crushed and turning into a freaking frog. 
So don’t tell me that Tiana is “less than” just because she gets turned into a frog. She’s still one of the most hardworking, badass, and capable chicks in animated history and I love her like crazy cakes. 
the end. 

Also? She’s based on a real person. A real woman who is 91 and is still cooking in her kitchen. She’s still widely respected in the culinary community, she’s fed presidents, she’s had songs written about her and her restaurants. She’s 91, and she still wakes up every morning to run things, because she still believes in hard work and good food. And if you don’t think that’s truly fantastic, then you can just fuck right off.

cephalopodvictorious: roarkshop: natvarmac: datunofficialdisneyprincess: theassofremylebeau: Best lesson from a Disney movie This is...

like crazy: Anonymous (ID: eQot91c+) 05/01/13(Wed)18:34:43 No.477045509 File: 1367447683568ipa-(9 KB, 480x360, yui.jpg) sbe me sbe 16 >be a total beta shave few friends nothing special -total weaboo >be doing duke of edinburgh award >for the volunteering decide to help a paralyzed girl and her mum >her dad was fighting over seas at the time -first day listen to the mum about what i'll be doing idgf >meet girl >10/10 DAYUM.jpeg -say hello how are you the usual shit >get started helping the mum cook >me and her get talking about her daughter ask what she does all day >she just lies in bed watching tv -feels bad man >don't think much other of it though >go in to take her food and to her feed her etc >SHE'S WATCHING DEATH NOTE >we start talking like crazy >discuss other anime >become friends quickly >keep up DoE award >keep talking to her >become very good friends >DoE ends *keep on visiting her after school >go out with her,with her in a wheel chair go to park and stuff -she's never been outside for a prolonged amount of time >start dating kind of >keep on visiting and helping out >watch anime together for a couple of weeks -get onto angel beats sepisode ten -find out Yui was paralyzed skeep quiet >marriage proposal scene >engageoverfeel png 10/10 girl asks if i would like her more if she could move -tears rolling down face -throw my arms around her >softly say "you are perfect the way you are, don't ever change" that was the first time i ever hugged my wife <p><a href="https://garagemovie.tumblr.com/post/156998030645/browsedankmemes-wholesome-greentext-via" class="tumblr_blog" target="_blank">garagemovie</a>:</p><blockquote> <p><a href="http://browsedankmemes.com/post/156993764636/wholesome-greentext-via-rwholesomememes" class="tumblr_blog" target="_blank">browsedankmemes</a>:</p> <blockquote><p>Wholesome greentext via /r/wholesomememes <a href="http://ift.tt/2ktbmOA" target="_blank">http://ift.tt/2ktbmOA</a></p></blockquote> <figure class="tmblr-full" data-orig-height="254" data-orig-width="356"><img src="https://78.media.tumblr.com/f77bf3d1dd53a95edd99f5b9295c8050/tumblr_inline_ol32b0P6Wx1rk7yq5_540.png" data-orig-height="254" data-orig-width="356"/></figure></blockquote> <p>Stop. It&rsquo;s 1 am</p>
like crazy: Anonymous (ID: eQot91c+) 05/01/13(Wed)18:34:43 No.477045509
 File: 1367447683568ipa-(9 KB, 480x360, yui.jpg)
 sbe me
 sbe 16
 >be a total beta
 shave few friends nothing special
 -total weaboo
 >be doing duke of edinburgh award
 >for the volunteering decide to help a paralyzed girl and her mum
 >her dad was fighting over seas at the time
 -first day listen to the mum about what i'll be doing idgf
 >meet girl
 >10/10
 DAYUM.jpeg
 -say hello how are you the usual shit
 >get started helping the mum cook
 >me and her get talking about her daughter
 ask what she does all day
 >she just lies in bed watching tv
 -feels bad man
 >don't think much other of it though
 >go in to take her food and to her feed her etc
 >SHE'S WATCHING DEATH NOTE
 >we start talking like crazy
 >discuss other anime
 >become friends quickly
 >keep up DoE award
 >keep talking to her
 >become very good friends
 >DoE ends
 *keep on visiting her after school
 >go out with her,with her in a wheel chair
 go to park and stuff
 -she's never been outside for a prolonged amount of time
 >start dating kind of
 >keep on visiting and helping out
 >watch anime together for a couple of weeks
 -get onto angel beats
 sepisode ten
 -find out Yui was paralyzed
 skeep quiet
 >marriage proposal scene
 >engageoverfeel png
 10/10 girl asks if i would like her more if she could move
 -tears rolling down face
 -throw my arms around her
 >softly say "you are perfect the way you are, don't ever change"
 that was the first time i ever hugged my wife
<p><a href="https://garagemovie.tumblr.com/post/156998030645/browsedankmemes-wholesome-greentext-via" class="tumblr_blog" target="_blank">garagemovie</a>:</p><blockquote>
<p><a href="http://browsedankmemes.com/post/156993764636/wholesome-greentext-via-rwholesomememes" class="tumblr_blog" target="_blank">browsedankmemes</a>:</p>
<blockquote><p>Wholesome greentext via /r/wholesomememes <a href="http://ift.tt/2ktbmOA" target="_blank">http://ift.tt/2ktbmOA</a></p></blockquote>
<figure class="tmblr-full" data-orig-height="254" data-orig-width="356"><img src="https://78.media.tumblr.com/f77bf3d1dd53a95edd99f5b9295c8050/tumblr_inline_ol32b0P6Wx1rk7yq5_540.png" data-orig-height="254" data-orig-width="356"/></figure></blockquote>

<p>Stop.  It&rsquo;s 1 am</p>

<p><a href="https://garagemovie.tumblr.com/post/156998030645/browsedankmemes-wholesome-greentext-via" class="tumblr_blog" target="_blank"...

like crazy: did you know? did-you-kno.tumblr.com During a battle in 603 BC, Chinese warrior Xiong Yiliao stepped out between the armies and started juggling 9 balls. The opposing troops were so amazed that all 500 of them turned and fled did-you-kno.tumblr.com didyouknowblog.com facebook.com/didyouknowblog optimysticals: uovoc: konec0: sleepyferret: shitfacedanon: dat-soldier: sonnetscrewdriver: dat-soldier: did-you-kno: Source back the fuck up There’s another story that I like about a Chinese general who had to defend a city with only a handful of soldiers from a huge enemy horde that was in all likelihood going to steamroll the place flat within hours of showing up. So when said horde did arrive, they saw the general sitting outside the city’s open gates, drinking tea. The horde sent a couple of emissaries over to see what was what, and the general greeted them cheerfully and invited them all to come and take tea with him. The horde decided that this was a scenario that had “MASSIVE FUCKING TRAP” written all over it in beautiful calligraphy and promptly fucked off. Whoever that general was, he was clearly the Ancient Chinese equivalent of Sam Vimes. did he just invite us over for tea nah man i’m out This just keeps getting better I fucking love history. ok but tbh that story misses a lot of the subtlety of the situation like ok so this story is the Romance of Three Kingdoms, and essentially takes place between Zhuge Liang, resident tactician extraordinaire, and Sima Yi… OTHER resident tactician extraordinaire. The two were both regarded as tactical geniuses and recognized the other as their rival. Zhuge Liang had a reputation for ambushing the SHIT out of his opponents and using the environment to his advantage, thus destroying large armies with a small number of men. Sima Yi (who kind of entered the picture later) was a cautious person whose speciality was unravelling his opponent’s plans before they began. So it was natural that the two would butt heads; however, since Sima Yi tended to have more men and resources, he started winning battles against the former. Which, y’know, kinda sucked. On to the actual story: Zhuge Liang is all like “shit i gotta defend this city with like 10 men.” Literally if he fights ANY kind of battle here, he WILL lose; his only option for survival is not to fight. And that’s looking more and more impossible until he hears that his rival is leading the opposing army. And then he gets this brilliant idea. He basically opens all the gates, sends his men out in civilian clothes to sweep the streets, and sits on top of the gate drinking tea and chilling out and basically makes the whole thing out to be a trap When Sima Yi comes he’s all like “yo come on in bro” and Sima Yi is like “yeah he’s never been that obvious about his traps before. this is definitely a bluff” and he’s about to head in when he realizes wait. he knows that i think he’s bluffing. and so he gets it in his head that maybe, just MAYBE, Zhuge Liang has this cunning plan that will wipe out his army - recall that he has a pretty good handle on what his rival is capable of. And after a long period of deliberation (which is just like “he know that I know that he knows that etc.”), being the cautious man he is, SIma Yi eventually decides to turn his entire army around and leave. Zhuge Liang later points out that the plan was based specifically on the fact that he was facing his rival; if it had been anyone else, there’s no way it would have worked. A dumber or less cautious person would have simply charged in and won without breaking a sweat.  and that’s the real genius here: it was a plan formed entirely just to deceive one man, and it worked. Zhuge Liang is the most brilliant, sneaky-ass bastard in history. One time his side’s army was out of arrows, which pretty much meant they were screwed. So Zhuge Liang goes and does the logical thing, which is build a fuck ton of scarecrows and put them all on boats. Then he makes the men hide in the boats and sail them out on the river. Well, that day was super foggy (which Zhuge Liang had predicted. Did I mention he was also a freakishly accurate meteorologist?). So the enemy across the river sees a fleet of boats armed to the teeth with what appears to be half an army of men. They panic! and start firing arrows like crazy.  Zhuge Liang lets this play out for a while, then he’s like, ”Ok guys that’s enough.” They calmly turn the boats around and go back to base, where they dismantle the scarecrows and pull out all the enemy’s arrows. Zhuge Liang is legend. I love this post. It just keeps getting better. Like seriously, I would have adored learning about this in World History.
like crazy: did you know?
 did-you-kno.tumblr.com
 During a battle in 603 BC, Chinese warrior
 Xiong Yiliao stepped out between the armies
 and started juggling 9 balls. The opposing
 troops were so amazed that all 500 of them
 turned and fled
 did-you-kno.tumblr.com
 didyouknowblog.com
 facebook.com/didyouknowblog
optimysticals:

uovoc:

konec0:

sleepyferret:

shitfacedanon:

dat-soldier:

sonnetscrewdriver:

dat-soldier:

did-you-kno:

Source


back the fuck up

There’s another story that I like about a Chinese general who had to defend a city with only a handful of soldiers from a huge enemy horde that was in all likelihood going to steamroll the place flat within hours of showing up.
So when said horde did arrive, they saw the general sitting outside the city’s open gates, drinking tea. The horde sent a couple of emissaries over to see what was what, and the general greeted them cheerfully and invited them all to come and take tea with him.
The horde decided that this was a scenario that had “MASSIVE FUCKING TRAP” written all over it in beautiful calligraphy and promptly fucked off.
Whoever that general was, he was clearly the Ancient Chinese equivalent of Sam Vimes.


did he just invite us over for tea nah man i’m out

This just keeps getting better

I fucking love history.

ok but tbh that story misses a lot of the subtlety of the situation like ok
so this story is the Romance of Three Kingdoms, and essentially takes place between Zhuge Liang, resident tactician extraordinaire, and Sima Yi… OTHER resident tactician extraordinaire.
The two were both regarded as tactical geniuses and recognized the other as their rival. Zhuge Liang had a reputation for ambushing the SHIT out of his opponents and using the environment to his advantage, thus destroying large armies with a small number of men. Sima Yi (who kind of entered the picture later) was a cautious person whose speciality was unravelling his opponent’s plans before they began. So it was natural that the two would butt heads; however, since Sima Yi tended to have more men and resources, he started winning battles against the former. Which, y’know, kinda sucked.
On to the actual story: Zhuge Liang is all like “shit i gotta defend this city with like 10 men.” Literally if he fights ANY kind of battle here, he WILL lose; his only option for survival is not to fight. And that’s looking more and more impossible until he hears that his rival is leading the opposing army. And then he gets this brilliant idea. He basically opens all the gates, sends his men out in civilian clothes to sweep the streets, and sits on top of the gate drinking tea and chilling out and basically makes the whole thing out to be a trap
When Sima Yi comes he’s all like “yo come on in bro”
and Sima Yi is like “yeah he’s never been that obvious about his traps before. this is definitely a bluff” and he’s about to head in when he realizes
wait. he knows that i think he’s bluffing.
and so he gets it in his head that maybe, just MAYBE, Zhuge Liang has this cunning plan that will wipe out his army - recall that he has a pretty good handle on what his rival is capable of. And after a long period of deliberation (which is just like “he know that I know that he knows that etc.”), being the cautious man he is, SIma Yi eventually decides to turn his entire army around and leave.
Zhuge Liang later points out that the plan was based specifically on the fact that he was facing his rival; if it had been anyone else, there’s no way it would have worked. A dumber or less cautious person would have simply charged in and won without breaking a sweat. 
and that’s the real genius here: it was a plan formed entirely just to deceive one man, and it worked.

Zhuge Liang is the most brilliant, sneaky-ass bastard in history. One time his side’s army was out of arrows, which pretty much meant they were screwed. So Zhuge Liang goes and does the logical thing, which is build a fuck ton of scarecrows and put them all on boats. Then he makes the men hide in the boats and sail them out on the river.
Well, that day was super foggy (which Zhuge Liang had predicted. Did I mention he was also a freakishly accurate meteorologist?). So the enemy across the river sees a fleet of boats armed to the teeth with what appears to be half an army of men. They panic! and start firing arrows like crazy. 
Zhuge Liang lets this play out for a while, then he’s like, ”Ok guys that’s enough.” They calmly turn the boats around and go back to base, where they dismantle the scarecrows and pull out all the enemy’s arrows.
Zhuge Liang is legend.

I love this post. It just keeps getting better. Like seriously, I would have adored learning about this in World History.

optimysticals: uovoc: konec0: sleepyferret: shitfacedanon: dat-soldier: sonnetscrewdriver: dat-soldier: did-you-kno: Source ba...

like crazy: Hey since I haven't been active in forever, who wants to hear a story about how 1 became a local cryptid in my town? Heck yeah! Yes Reply Alright lets do this So l live in a small neighborhood kinda thing, Its honestly shaped like someone connected two bongs with a straw that leads out to the street, so very tiny and not a lot of people drive through cause its a dead end and surrounded by woods Anyways, so it's Saturday morning, like 3 am and my sister has taken her behemoth of a dog outside Little background, this dog is a saint bermard, lab mix, so he big. Hes also amazingly stupid. He's only three and we got him a year ago so he still does stupid shit all the time. Anyways hes got a long lead line on him, probably 30 ft, so hes off doing whatever and ny sister is kinda dazed, still sleepy. Homeboy fucking TAKES OFF and runs into the woods behind y house, taking that lead with him and a good chunk of my sisters pal skin. Whatever he's chasing has speed, and hes keeping up with it. So l run outside cause shes screaming his name and start to take off after him. 1 thought that mother fucker would get caught on a tree due to the lead but nope was I wrong. Now the woods probably go a mile back before they hit road, and then stretch around s miles hotizontally I'm worried this dumb dog is gonna run into the street and get hit, so l run the mile to the street (with my very out of shape body. 1 honestly thought I was going to die). After like r5 minutes of tripping and trying to make my way through this damn jungle, I get to the street. At this point 1 still look a human so nothing happens, 1 dont see him anywhere, and 1 run back to the house cause I've realized I'm in a tank top and boxer shorts with no shoes and its tick season. So I change into a big ass sweatshirt and sweat pants and boots even though its almost oo degrees out because I do not want to have to deal with ticks After chugging some water 1 take back off, this time going horizontally 1 caught sight of something running so l took off, yelling ny brains out managing to sprain my ankle and rip half my hair outta my ponytail in the process Around a mile downl lose sight of it so l turn and hike the mile back to the street just to make sure it didn't go that way After that I go back to my house, and then return to the spot where i last saw him and continue walking till Imlike 2 miles away So my trip so far has been mile to street> mile home > i mile hotizontally>t mile to street >2 miles home> 2 ½ miles horizontally So I'm about ready to die. I'm covering in blood from smashing y arm one of my eyes has turned red cause a stick poked it, I've got a limp, I'm breathing like a dragon with asthma, and I'm covering in leaves and sticks I start yelling his name again and hear a bark in the distance so 1 take off and after like 5 minutes I spot him He is now howling like a banshee in distress I book it towards his dumb ass and practically tackle him, which ended up with me covered in a random assortment of shit. Cool, whatever. His leash is tied atound two trees so I unravel it and he pounces on me in relief. He's salivating like crazy so I take him to a stream near by to let him drink Mother fucker pulls me in. I'm too tired to be pissed. At this point now that I'm calming down I realize my boots are now soaking wet with both blood and water. I've got several scars on my thigh and they all got ripped open So Im gushing blood like no tomorrow.I soak my jacket in water and put it on this stupid dog so he wont get burnt on the way back and itll be a bit cooler. So now he looks even bigger then usual 1 take my shoes off and toss then over my neck and we're about to start the trek back when he takes off AGAIN. This time I'm holding the leash and 1 do not let go. He ends up slipping on a mud bank and taking me with him With are now covered head to toe in nad, shit, dirt, blood and whatever the hell else is in those woods. Some how he has ended up with no major wounds, but now I have a rock lodged in my forehead and blood in my eyes. And my shoes are gone. Whatever, 1 just want to get home. 1 pick a direction and walk until 1 end up in the back yard of someone who lives down the street. Lucky for me, this person has barbed wire in their back yard on the ground for some reason, which I trip on Now I have barbed wire practically wrapped around me like some crazy fashion statement. I wanted to get home so bad 1 didn't even bother to rip it off. I'd do that So now its like 6am, so its dark, but you can still see, and its dead quiet. I pull my sisters dog along with me, holding his collar so he cant take off again. So heres me, covered in blood, mud, and barbed wire, limping down the street, no shoes on, with a large dog wearing a jacket, which, from a distance, you cant tell. Now I smell like whatever was in those woods, and it is a strong smell, so as I walk by any house with a dog outside, that dog starts barking. Eventually the quiet is replaced with dogs howling, barking, snarling at me. 1 eventually make it back to my house, but not before passing a dude getting his newspaper or whatever He's a good distance away from me and he hesitantly calls out asking if Im okay. I respond with "yeah but I've been yelling for like 3 hours t as ungodly rasp. He goes right the fuck back in l get home, get cleaned up, get the dog cleaned up, and everythings fine UNTIL a couple nights later my mom goes to a neighborhood meeting story Turns out, there had been a black bear in the woods near my house, which people had been keeping an eye out for, but instead they saw (what they thought) was a "humanoid figure covered in spikes dragging a bear covered in blood around by its neck For the next few weeks people were talking about how they heard the "hortiie screeching" and how there was blood all down the streets and on the trees. The dude who asked if I was okay was telling everybody that the "thing growled at him and he could see it had blood red eyes So now theres a rumor about a demon with razor sharp tendrils who feeds on wild animals by slashing them open and drinking their blood Rumor states that you'll hear it before you see it, and the sound it makes sounds like a howl and a scream People later found my boots covered in blood and said it was a "victim of the demon. A week later a house that was being built caught fire and that was blamed on me, as well as an accident where someone swerved to avoid something and crashed through a house. The stream turned blood red after some heavy rainfall. which was due to the mud, but also blamed on me and some mote for a couple nights (coyotes most people "spotting" the demon (which was either their imagination or the actual bear) the rumot grew and grew so now its famous in my neighborhood So yeah thats how 1 became a bear killing demon in my neighborhood. I was too embarrassed. How to become a cryptid
like crazy: Hey since I haven't been active in forever, who wants to hear a story
 about how 1 became a local cryptid in my town?
 Heck yeah!
 Yes
 Reply
 Alright lets do this
 So l live in a small neighborhood kinda thing, Its honestly shaped like
 someone connected two bongs with a straw that leads out to the street,
 so very tiny and not a lot of people drive through cause its a dead end
 and surrounded by woods Anyways, so it's Saturday morning, like 3 am
 and my sister has taken her behemoth of a dog outside
 Little background, this dog is a saint bermard, lab mix, so he big. Hes
 also amazingly stupid. He's only three and we got him a year ago so he
 still does stupid shit all the time. Anyways hes got a long lead line on
 him, probably 30 ft, so hes off doing whatever and ny sister is kinda
 dazed, still sleepy.
 Homeboy fucking TAKES OFF and runs into the woods behind y
 house, taking that lead with him and a good chunk of my sisters pal
 skin. Whatever he's chasing has speed, and hes keeping up with it. So l
 run outside cause shes screaming his name and start to take off after
 him. 1 thought that mother fucker would get caught on a tree due to the
 lead but nope was I wrong. Now the woods probably go a mile back
 before they hit road, and then stretch around s miles hotizontally
 I'm worried this dumb dog is gonna run into the street and get hit, so l
 run the mile to the street (with my very out of shape body. 1 honestly
 thought I was going to die). After like r5 minutes of tripping and trying
 to make my way through this damn jungle, I get to the street. At this
 point 1 still look a human so nothing happens, 1 dont see him anywhere,
 and 1 run back to the house cause I've realized I'm in a tank top and
 boxer shorts with no shoes and its tick season. So I change into a big ass
 sweatshirt and sweat pants and boots even though its almost oo degrees
 out because I do not want to have to deal with ticks
 After chugging some water 1 take back off, this time going horizontally
 1 caught sight of something running so l took off, yelling ny brains out
 managing to sprain my ankle and rip half my hair outta my ponytail in
 the process Around a mile downl lose sight of it so l turn and hike the
 mile back to the street just to make sure it didn't go that way
 After that I go back to my house, and then return to the spot where i
 last saw him and continue walking till Imlike 2 miles away
 So my trip so far has been
 mile to street> mile home > i mile hotizontally>t mile to street >2
 miles home> 2 ½ miles horizontally
 So I'm about ready to die. I'm covering in blood from smashing y arm
 one of my eyes has turned red cause a stick poked it, I've got a limp, I'm
 breathing like a dragon with asthma, and I'm covering in leaves and
 sticks
 I start yelling his name again and hear a bark in the distance so 1 take off
 and after like 5 minutes I spot him He is now howling like a banshee in
 distress I book it towards his dumb ass and practically tackle him,
 which ended up with me covered in a random assortment of shit. Cool,
 whatever. His leash is tied atound two trees so I unravel it and he
 pounces on me in relief. He's salivating like crazy so I take him to a
 stream near by to let him drink
 Mother fucker pulls me in. I'm too tired to be pissed. At this point now
 that I'm calming down I realize my boots are now soaking wet with
 both blood and water. I've got several scars on my thigh and they all got
 ripped open So Im gushing blood like no tomorrow.I soak my jacket in
 water and put it on this stupid dog so he wont get burnt on the way
 back and itll be a bit cooler. So now he looks even bigger then usual 1
 take my shoes off and toss then over my neck and we're about to start
 the trek back when he takes off AGAIN. This time I'm holding the leash
 and 1 do not let go. He ends up slipping on a mud bank and taking me
 with him With are now covered head to toe in nad, shit, dirt, blood
 and whatever the hell else is in those woods.
 Some how he has ended up with no major wounds, but now I have a
 rock lodged in my forehead and blood in my eyes. And my shoes are
 gone. Whatever, 1 just want to get home. 1 pick a direction and walk
 until 1 end up in the back yard of someone who lives down the street.
 Lucky for me, this person has barbed wire in their back yard on the
 ground for some reason, which I trip on Now I have barbed wire
 practically wrapped around me like some crazy fashion statement. I
 wanted to get home so bad 1 didn't even bother to rip it off. I'd do that
 So now its like 6am, so its dark, but you can still see, and its dead quiet.
 I pull my sisters dog along with me, holding his collar so he cant take
 off again. So heres me, covered in blood, mud, and barbed wire, limping
 down the street, no shoes on, with a large dog wearing a jacket, which,
 from a distance, you cant tell. Now I smell like whatever was in those
 woods, and it is a strong smell, so as I walk by any house with a dog
 outside, that dog starts barking. Eventually the quiet is replaced with
 dogs howling, barking, snarling at me. 1 eventually make it back to my
 house, but not before passing a dude getting his newspaper or whatever
 He's a good distance away from me and he hesitantly calls out asking if
 Im okay. I respond with "yeah but I've been yelling for like 3 hours
 t as ungodly rasp. He goes right the fuck back in
 l get home, get cleaned up, get the dog cleaned up, and everythings fine
 UNTIL a couple nights later my mom goes to a neighborhood meeting
 story
 Turns out, there had been a black bear in the woods near my house,
 which people had been keeping an eye out for, but instead they saw
 (what they thought) was a "humanoid figure covered in spikes dragging
 a bear covered in blood around by its neck
 For the next few weeks people were talking about how they heard
 the "hortiie screeching" and how there was blood all down the streets
 and on the trees. The dude who asked if I was okay was telling
 everybody that the "thing growled at him and he could see it had blood
 red eyes
 So now theres a rumor about a demon with razor sharp tendrils who
 feeds on wild animals by slashing them open and drinking their blood
 Rumor states that you'll hear it before you see it, and the sound it makes
 sounds like a howl and a scream People later found my boots covered in
 blood and said it was a "victim of the demon. A week later a house that
 was being built caught fire and that was blamed on me, as well as an
 accident where someone swerved to avoid something and crashed
 through a house. The stream turned blood red after some heavy rainfall.
 which was due to the mud, but also blamed on me and some mote
 for a couple nights (coyotes most
 people "spotting" the demon (which was either their imagination or the
 actual bear) the rumot grew and grew so now its famous in my
 neighborhood
 So yeah thats how 1 became a bear killing demon in my neighborhood.
 I was too embarrassed.
How to become a cryptid

How to become a cryptid

like crazy: sosyebabe What you got made fun of in school for? graatrunk i went into american public school for 6th grade and i pierced someone's scrotum with a fencing foil that was missing the little rubber safety tip on the end by accident in gym and it was middle school so i was promptly nicknamed "The Nut Slayer" and i cried until my parents let me move back to europe and live with my grandparents billsimportantposts I know most people associate LUSH Cosmetics with white girls and bath bombs but products from this beautiful company have faded my scars and stretch marks, completely gotten rid of my acne, fixed my dry skin problems, thickened my eyelashes, laid my edges, made my hair grow like crazy… I can go on and on. I’ve actually never tried the bath bombs, but their skincare and haircare products work magic. Fading Scars - Stretch Marks Organic Therapy Massage Bar Extra Dry Skin King of Skin In-Shower Body Conditioner, Skin Drink Facial Moisturizer, Sultana of Soap Bar, Tender is the Night Massage Bar, Each’s a Peach Massage Bar Acne Fresh Farmacy Solid Cleanser, Eau Roma Toning Water, Full of Grace Serum Bar Thickening Lashes Eyes Right Mascara - Lash Milk Edges R&B Hair Moisturizer (if you put this on your edges before wrapping your hair, they’ll be relaxer-straight when you wake up, lasts about 12 hours), -Dirty Styling Cream (cream-based edge control with a matte finish, no more shiny or crunchy edges) -Hair Growth NEW! Shampoo Bar, Retread Hair Conditioner FACE - HAIR STUFF Magical Moringa Facial Moisturizer Oh my lordy. Let me tell y'all about this stuff. It’s marketed as a moisturizer but I use it as a primer because when you put this on your face, it’s completely matte. Like completely. All day. And it will lock your makeup in place like no other. You can sweat in it, swim in it, whatever. Shit won’t budge. Ever. Jason & the Argan Oil Shampoo Bar Amazing for volumizing. It made the three bundles in my head look more like five when I used this thing the first time, I kid you not. Also gives your hair a really natural shine. I only use it when I really need a volume boost, otherwise it’s just too much. No Drought Dry Shampoo If you have a weave, you need this stuff. Period. A lot of times, the natural oils in our scalps (referring to my fellow black women here) are too heavy for Brazilian, Peruvian, etc hair, and so it’s easy for weave to get weighed down between washes. Shake this stuff in your hair, brush it out - bam, flow city. ( more in the comments
like crazy: sosyebabe
 What you got made fun of in school for?
 graatrunk
 i went into american public school for 6th
 grade and i pierced someone's scrotum with a
 fencing foil that was missing the little rubber
 safety tip on the end by accident in gym
 and it was middle school so i was promptly
 nicknamed "The Nut Slayer" and i cried until
 my parents let me move back to europe and
 live with my grandparents
billsimportantposts I know most people associate LUSH Cosmetics with white girls and bath bombs but products from this beautiful company have faded my scars and stretch marks, completely gotten rid of my acne, fixed my dry skin problems, thickened my eyelashes, laid my edges, made my hair grow like crazy… I can go on and on. I’ve actually never tried the bath bombs, but their skincare and haircare products work magic. Fading Scars - Stretch Marks Organic Therapy Massage Bar Extra Dry Skin King of Skin In-Shower Body Conditioner, Skin Drink Facial Moisturizer, Sultana of Soap Bar, Tender is the Night Massage Bar, Each’s a Peach Massage Bar Acne Fresh Farmacy Solid Cleanser, Eau Roma Toning Water, Full of Grace Serum Bar Thickening Lashes Eyes Right Mascara - Lash Milk Edges R&B Hair Moisturizer (if you put this on your edges before wrapping your hair, they’ll be relaxer-straight when you wake up, lasts about 12 hours), -Dirty Styling Cream (cream-based edge control with a matte finish, no more shiny or crunchy edges) -Hair Growth NEW! Shampoo Bar, Retread Hair Conditioner FACE - HAIR STUFF Magical Moringa Facial Moisturizer Oh my lordy. Let me tell y'all about this stuff. It’s marketed as a moisturizer but I use it as a primer because when you put this on your face, it’s completely matte. Like completely. All day. And it will lock your makeup in place like no other. You can sweat in it, swim in it, whatever. Shit won’t budge. Ever. Jason & the Argan Oil Shampoo Bar Amazing for volumizing. It made the three bundles in my head look more like five when I used this thing the first time, I kid you not. Also gives your hair a really natural shine. I only use it when I really need a volume boost, otherwise it’s just too much. No Drought Dry Shampoo If you have a weave, you need this stuff. Period. A lot of times, the natural oils in our scalps (referring to my fellow black women here) are too heavy for Brazilian, Peruvian, etc hair, and so it’s easy for weave to get weighed down between washes. Shake this stuff in your hair, brush it out - bam, flow city. ( more in the comments

billsimportantposts I know most people associate LUSH Cosmetics with white girls and bath bombs but products from this beautiful company...

like crazy: did you know? did-you-kno.tumblr.com During a battle in 603 BC, Chinese warrior Xiong Yiliao stepped out between the armies and started juggling 9 balls. The opposing troops were so amazed that all 500 of them turned and fled did-you-kno.tumblr.com didyouknowblog.com facebook.com/didyouknowblog idontevenhaveone: etienne-bessette: futureevilscientist: optimysticals: uovoc: konec0: sleepyferret: shitfacedanon: dat-soldier: sonnetscrewdriver: dat-soldier: did-you-kno: Source back the fuck up There’s another story that I like about a Chinese general who had to defend a city with only a handful of soldiers from a huge enemy horde that was in all likelihood going to steamroll the place flat within hours of showing up. So when said horde did arrive, they saw the general sitting outside the city’s open gates, drinking tea. The horde sent a couple of emissaries over to see what was what, and the general greeted them cheerfully and invited them all to come and take tea with him. The horde decided that this was a scenario that had “MASSIVE FUCKING TRAP” written all over it in beautiful calligraphy and promptly fucked off. Whoever that general was, he was clearly the Ancient Chinese equivalent of Sam Vimes. did he just invite us over for tea nah man i’m out This just keeps getting better I fucking love history. ok but tbh that story misses a lot of the subtlety of the situation like ok so this story is the Romance of Three Kingdoms, and essentially takes place between Zhuge Liang, resident tactician extraordinaire, and Sima Yi… OTHER resident tactician extraordinaire. The two were both regarded as tactical geniuses and recognized the other as their rival. Zhuge Liang had a reputation for ambushing the SHIT out of his opponents and using the environment to his advantage, thus destroying large armies with a small number of men. Sima Yi (who kind of entered the picture later) was a cautious person whose speciality was unravelling his opponent’s plans before they began. So it was natural that the two would butt heads; however, since Sima Yi tended to have more men and resources, he started winning battles against the former. Which, y’know, kinda sucked. On to the actual story: Zhuge Liang is all like “shit i gotta defend this city with like 10 men.” Literally if he fights ANY kind of battle here, he WILL lose; his only option for survival is not to fight. And that’s looking more and more impossible until he hears that his rival is leading the opposing army. And then he gets this brilliant idea. He basically opens all the gates, sends his men out in civilian clothes to sweep the streets, and sits on top of the gate drinking tea and chilling out and basically makes the whole thing out to be a trap When Sima Yi comes he’s all like “yo come on in bro” and Sima Yi is like “yeah he’s never been that obvious about his traps before. this is definitely a bluff” and he’s about to head in when he realizes wait. he knows that i think he’s bluffing. and so he gets it in his head that maybe, just MAYBE, Zhuge Liang has this cunning plan that will wipe out his army - recall that he has a pretty good handle on what his rival is capable of. And after a long period of deliberation (which is just like “he know that I know that he knows that etc.”), being the cautious man he is, SIma Yi eventually decides to turn his entire army around and leave. Zhuge Liang later points out that the plan was based specifically on the fact that he was facing his rival; if it had been anyone else, there’s no way it would have worked. A dumber or less cautious person would have simply charged in and won without breaking a sweat.  and that’s the real genius here: it was a plan formed entirely just to deceive one man, and it worked. Zhuge Liang is the most brilliant, sneaky-ass bastard in history. One time his side’s army was out of arrows, which pretty much meant they were screwed. So Zhuge Liang goes and does the logical thing, which is build a fuck ton of scarecrows and put them all on boats. Then he makes the men hide in the boats and sail them out on the river. Well, that day was super foggy (which Zhuge Liang had predicted. Did I mention he was also a freakishly accurate meteorologist?). So the enemy across the river sees a fleet of boats armed to the teeth with what appears to be half an army of men. They panic! and start firing arrows like crazy.  Zhuge Liang lets this play out for a while, then he’s like, ”Ok guys that’s enough.” They calmly turn the boats around and go back to base, where they dismantle the scarecrows and pull out all the enemy’s arrows. Zhuge Liang is legend. I love this post. It just keeps getting better. Like seriously, I would have adored learning about this in World History. If you want to see this in cinematic glory, watch Red Cliff. Especially since it makes Zhuge Liang look like this: Red Cliff is 50% bloody battles and 50% eye candy and about half of that eye-candy is due to Zhuge Liang @admiraloblivious we’re finding this movie and watching it asap Ffffff-
like crazy: did you know?
 did-you-kno.tumblr.com
 During a battle in 603 BC, Chinese warrior
 Xiong Yiliao stepped out between the armies
 and started juggling 9 balls. The opposing
 troops were so amazed that all 500 of them
 turned and fled
 did-you-kno.tumblr.com
 didyouknowblog.com
 facebook.com/didyouknowblog
idontevenhaveone:

etienne-bessette:

futureevilscientist:

optimysticals:

uovoc:

konec0:

sleepyferret:

shitfacedanon:

dat-soldier:

sonnetscrewdriver:

dat-soldier:

did-you-kno:

Source


back the fuck up


There’s another story that I like about a Chinese general who had to defend a city with only a handful of soldiers from a huge enemy horde that was in all likelihood going to steamroll the place flat within hours of showing up.
So when said horde did arrive, they saw the general sitting outside the city’s open gates, drinking tea. The horde sent a couple of emissaries over to see what was what, and the general greeted them cheerfully and invited them all to come and take tea with him.
The horde decided that this was a scenario that had “MASSIVE FUCKING TRAP” written all over it in beautiful calligraphy and promptly fucked off.
Whoever that general was, he was clearly the Ancient Chinese equivalent of Sam Vimes.


did he just invite us over for tea nah man i’m out


This just keeps getting better

I fucking love history.

ok but tbh that story misses a lot of the subtlety of the situation like ok
so this story is the Romance of Three Kingdoms, and essentially takes place between Zhuge Liang, resident tactician extraordinaire, and Sima Yi… OTHER resident tactician extraordinaire.
The two were both regarded as tactical geniuses and recognized the other as their rival. Zhuge Liang had a reputation for ambushing the SHIT out of his opponents and using the environment to his advantage, thus destroying large armies with a small number of men. Sima Yi (who kind of entered the picture later) was a cautious person whose speciality was unravelling his opponent’s plans before they began. So it was natural that the two would butt heads; however, since Sima Yi tended to have more men and resources, he started winning battles against the former. Which, y’know, kinda sucked.
On to the actual story: Zhuge Liang is all like “shit i gotta defend this city with like 10 men.” Literally if he fights ANY kind of battle here, he WILL lose; his only option for survival is not to fight. And that’s looking more and more impossible until he hears that his rival is leading the opposing army. And then he gets this brilliant idea. He basically opens all the gates, sends his men out in civilian clothes to sweep the streets, and sits on top of the gate drinking tea and chilling out and basically makes the whole thing out to be a trap
When Sima Yi comes he’s all like “yo come on in bro”
and Sima Yi is like “yeah he’s never been that obvious about his traps before. this is definitely a bluff” and he’s about to head in when he realizes
wait. he knows that i think he’s bluffing.
and so he gets it in his head that maybe, just MAYBE, Zhuge Liang has this cunning plan that will wipe out his army - recall that he has a pretty good handle on what his rival is capable of. And after a long period of deliberation (which is just like “he know that I know that he knows that etc.”), being the cautious man he is, SIma Yi eventually decides to turn his entire army around and leave.
Zhuge Liang later points out that the plan was based specifically on the fact that he was facing his rival; if it had been anyone else, there’s no way it would have worked. A dumber or less cautious person would have simply charged in and won without breaking a sweat. 
and that’s the real genius here: it was a plan formed entirely just to deceive one man, and it worked.

Zhuge Liang is the most brilliant, sneaky-ass bastard in history. One time his side’s army was out of arrows, which pretty much meant they were screwed. So Zhuge Liang goes and does the logical thing, which is build a fuck ton of scarecrows and put them all on boats. Then he makes the men hide in the boats and sail them out on the river.
Well, that day was super foggy (which Zhuge Liang had predicted. Did I mention he was also a freakishly accurate meteorologist?). So the enemy across the river sees a fleet of boats armed to the teeth with what appears to be half an army of men. They panic! and start firing arrows like crazy. 
Zhuge Liang lets this play out for a while, then he’s like, ”Ok guys that’s enough.” They calmly turn the boats around and go back to base, where they dismantle the scarecrows and pull out all the enemy’s arrows.
Zhuge Liang is legend.

I love this post. It just keeps getting better. Like seriously, I would have adored learning about this in World History.

If you want to see this in cinematic glory, watch Red Cliff.
Especially since it makes Zhuge Liang look like this:
Red Cliff is 50% bloody battles and 50% eye candy and about half of that eye-candy is due to Zhuge Liang

@admiraloblivious we’re finding this movie and watching it asap

Ffffff-

idontevenhaveone: etienne-bessette: futureevilscientist: optimysticals: uovoc: konec0: sleepyferret: shitfacedanon: dat-soldier:...

like crazy: What joke will make one burst into laughter for at least 30 seconds? DO NOT TELL A PERSONAL STORY A joke" should be the classic meaning of a joke (with a punchline, etc.) More Emmanuel Gautier, I have a weird laugh Written Thu Guy walks into a bar, orders a beer, and notices a big jar full of money behind the counter. He asks the bartender, "Hey man, what's that jar? I bet there's at least one grand in there!" "Ah, you must be new here. It's a challenge. If you put in fifty bucks, and then succeed at three tasks, you get all the money inside the jar." "Really? Man, what a tourist trap! Do people actually try that?" "Sure." "Damn. Stil, that's a lot of money. I gotta ask, what are the three tasks?" "Well, first, you need to go over to the bouncer over there. Yeah, the tall, muscular guy. And you gotta knock him out in one punch. Wow." "Yeah. Next, in the backyard we have this wild rottweiler. Nasty dog. Rabid. And it has a bad tooth. We tried having the vet over, but he won't come anywhere near the beast. The task is to take out his bad tooth "Uh huh." "And finally, there's this lady upstairs. She owns the place. She's quite old. Sixty five, maybe seventy. Very nice lady. She lost her husband a decade ago and, well.. she's lonely. The task is to go see her and give her some." "That is twisted, my friend. Wow. It's amazing that anyone thinks they can pull all this off. People these days... Anyway.'" The guy drinks his beer, and then has another. And another. And another. Now quite inebriated, he punches the counter and yells, "Whatever man, I'll do your stupid challenge!" He throws in a $50 bill, goes to the bouncer, taps him on the shoulder, and WHAM! The bouncer is down in one punch. Everyone in the bar suddenly groups around the scene and starts cheering frantically. The guy shouts, "Where's the damn dog at?", people push him to the backdoor, which he pushes. The crowd awaits, hearing nothing at first Then, muffled screams, punches, scratches and howls coming from behind the door Finally, the door opens again, and the guy paces into the bar, slowly, his shirt ripped apart and stained with blood, breathing loudly. Finally, he throws his arms up in the air, and shouts in triumph! As the crowd cheers like crazy, he yells "NOW WHERE'S THE OLD BITCH WITH THE BAD TOOTH?" 48.9k Views View Upvotes Hahah made me LOL for real guys hhaha
like crazy: What joke will make one
 burst into laughter for at
 least 30 seconds?
 DO NOT TELL A PERSONAL STORY A joke" should be the
 classic meaning of a joke (with a punchline, etc.)
 More
 Emmanuel Gautier, I have a
 weird laugh
 Written Thu
 Guy walks into a bar, orders a beer, and
 notices a big jar full of money behind the
 counter. He asks the bartender, "Hey man,
 what's that jar? I bet there's at least one grand
 in there!"
 "Ah, you must be new here. It's a challenge. If
 you put in fifty bucks, and then succeed at
 three tasks, you get all the money inside the
 jar."
 "Really? Man, what a tourist trap! Do people
 actually try that?"
 "Sure."
 "Damn. Stil, that's a lot of money. I gotta ask,
 what are the three tasks?"
 "Well, first, you need to go over to the
 bouncer over there. Yeah, the tall, muscular
 guy. And you gotta knock him out in one
 punch.
 Wow."
 "Yeah. Next, in the backyard we have this
 wild rottweiler. Nasty dog. Rabid. And it has a
 bad tooth. We tried having the vet over, but
 he won't come anywhere near the beast. The
 task is to take out his bad tooth
 "Uh huh."
 "And finally, there's this lady upstairs. She
 owns the place. She's quite old. Sixty five,
 maybe seventy. Very nice lady. She lost her
 husband a decade ago and, well.. she's
 lonely. The task is to go see her and give her
 some."
 "That is twisted, my friend. Wow. It's
 amazing that anyone thinks they can pull all
 this off. People these days... Anyway.'"
 The guy drinks his beer, and then has
 another. And another. And another. Now
 quite inebriated, he punches the counter and
 yells, "Whatever man, I'll do your stupid
 challenge!"
 He throws in a $50 bill, goes to the bouncer,
 taps him on the shoulder, and WHAM! The
 bouncer is down in one punch. Everyone in
 the bar suddenly groups around the scene
 and starts cheering frantically. The guy
 shouts, "Where's the damn dog at?", people
 push him to the backdoor, which he pushes.
 The crowd awaits, hearing nothing at first
 Then, muffled screams, punches, scratches
 and howls coming from behind the door
 Finally, the door opens again, and the guy
 paces into the bar, slowly, his shirt ripped
 apart and stained with blood, breathing
 loudly. Finally, he throws his arms up in the
 air, and shouts in triumph! As the crowd
 cheers like crazy, he yells "NOW WHERE'S
 THE OLD BITCH WITH THE BAD TOOTH?"
 48.9k Views View Upvotes
Hahah made me LOL for real guys hhaha

Hahah made me LOL for real guys hhaha