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Anaconda, Bad, and Bad Jokes: consultingskeletondetective somanyfandomsasdfghjkl the-average-gatsby: alright you guys have posted some pretty bad jokes on here but not one comes close to this doozy brace yourselves so there's a far-off place that consists of a perfectly triangular lake surrounded by land, with three kingdoms on the three sides of the lake. the first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy prosperous people. the second kingdom is more humble, but has its fair share of wealth and power, too. the third kingdom is struggling and poor, and barely has an army the kingdoms eventually go to war over control of the lake, as it's a valuable resource to have. the first kingdom sends 100 of their finest knights, clad in the best armor and each with their own personal squire. the second kingdom sends 50 of their knights, with fine leather armor and a few dozen squires of their own. the third kingdom sends their one and only knight, an elderly warrior who has long since passed his prime, with his own personal squire the night before the big battle, the knights in the first kingdom drink and make merry, partying into the late hours of the night. the knights in the second kingdom aren't as well off, but have their own supply of grog and also drink late into the night. in the third camp, the faithful squire gets a rope and slings it over the branch of a tall tree, making a noose, and hangs a pot from it. he fills the pot with stew and has a humble dinner with the old knight. the next morning, the knights in the first two kingdoms are hung over and unable to fight, while the knight in the third kingdom is old and weary, unable to get up. in place of the knights, the squires from all three kingdoms go and fight. the battle lasts long into the night, but by the time the dust settled, only one squire was left standing the squire from the third kingdom. and it just goes to show you that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides What have we become How dare you make me read that Source: the-average-ga 106,189 notes
Anaconda, Bad, and Bad Jokes: consultingskeletondetective
 somanyfandomsasdfghjkl
 the-average-gatsby:
 alright you guys have posted some pretty bad jokes on here but not
 one comes close to this doozy
 brace yourselves
 so there's a far-off place that consists of a perfectly triangular lake
 surrounded by land, with three kingdoms on the three sides of the
 lake. the first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy
 prosperous people. the second kingdom is more humble, but has its
 fair share of wealth and power, too. the third kingdom is struggling
 and poor, and barely has an army
 the kingdoms eventually go to war over control of the lake, as it's a
 valuable resource to have. the first kingdom sends 100 of their finest
 knights, clad in the best armor and each with their own personal
 squire. the second kingdom sends 50 of their knights, with fine leather
 armor and a few dozen squires of their own. the third kingdom sends
 their one and only knight, an elderly warrior who has long since
 passed his prime, with his own personal squire
 the night before the big battle, the knights in the first kingdom drink
 and make merry, partying into the late hours of the night. the knights
 in the second kingdom aren't as well off, but have their own supply of
 grog and also drink late into the night.
 in the third camp, the faithful squire gets a rope and slings it over the
 branch of a tall tree, making a noose, and hangs a pot from it. he fills
 the pot with stew and has a humble dinner with the old knight.
 the next morning, the knights in the first two kingdoms are hung over
 and unable to fight, while the knight in the third kingdom is old and
 weary, unable to get up. in place of the knights, the squires from all
 three kingdoms go and fight. the battle lasts long into the night, but by
 the time the dust settled, only one squire was left standing the
 squire from the third kingdom.
 and it just goes to show you that the squire of the high pot and noose
 is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides
 What have we become
 How dare you make me read that
 Source: the-average-ga
 106,189 notes
Ass, Be Like, and Friends: Students: * starts packing 5 mins before the bell Teacher: *cocks gun* "the bell doesn't dismiss you this blicky does" FOX 32 News @fox32news Proposed bill would allow teachers to carry guns at school in Alabama bit.ly/2EOdafS *me doing my work in class* *teacher taps me* “You’re wanted in the office.” He says. Fuck they caught me juuling I thought. *i go down to the principals office* *knocks on the door* “Enter.” *i open the door* *sees the principal and the counselor* Fuck they caught me sucking dick in the stalls, I thought. *i sit down* “Now, Terome, before we begin,” the principal says, “would you like to come clean?” “Hey, $20 is $20.” “What? No, we mean your biggest secret.” “My biggest secret? Hey man I didn’t know she was 3.” “Wh-, nigga we mean your Instagram page.” “Oh.” “Typicalterome correct? How retarded do you have to be to use your own name?” “Well-“ “And you’re following your personal page so we know it’s you.” “I mean-“ “And-“ “IGHT NIGGA YOU CAUGHT ME.” “Your counselor and I have scrolled through your entire page and tbh ur cool but we don’t talk much - rate 7.” “Nigga what?” “Your page is average my nigga.” “Ouch. Is that why I was called down here?” “No. After we were finished, we counted over 43 memes about school shootings and 6 story times about them as well.” “Well those are old-“ “And because of recent events, you know how we feel about these things.” “But-“ “So, we could expel you indefinitely, orrrrr you could do us both a favor.” “WOAH HOLUP. $20 each or no deal.” “Huh? No nigga, we want you to shout out our meme pages.” “Wh-“ “Please bro can you shout me out bro I’m a small meme page and I look up to you and I’d really appreciate it if one of my idols shouted me out bro please bro I’ll love you forever bro please just put me in a caption or could you maybe make a meme of my friends making a retarded ass face that’d be sick bro honestly bro you’re the best if you do that bro please me and then counselor are tryna go and be like you one day bro please.” *blocked* Damn niggas is annoying.
Ass, Be Like, and Friends: Students: * starts packing 5 mins before
 the bell
 Teacher: *cocks gun* "the bell doesn't
 dismiss you this blicky does"
 FOX 32 News @fox32news
 Proposed bill would allow teachers to carry
 guns at school in Alabama bit.ly/2EOdafS
*me doing my work in class* *teacher taps me* “You’re wanted in the office.” He says. Fuck they caught me juuling I thought. *i go down to the principals office* *knocks on the door* “Enter.” *i open the door* *sees the principal and the counselor* Fuck they caught me sucking dick in the stalls, I thought. *i sit down* “Now, Terome, before we begin,” the principal says, “would you like to come clean?” “Hey, $20 is $20.” “What? No, we mean your biggest secret.” “My biggest secret? Hey man I didn’t know she was 3.” “Wh-, nigga we mean your Instagram page.” “Oh.” “Typicalterome correct? How retarded do you have to be to use your own name?” “Well-“ “And you’re following your personal page so we know it’s you.” “I mean-“ “And-“ “IGHT NIGGA YOU CAUGHT ME.” “Your counselor and I have scrolled through your entire page and tbh ur cool but we don’t talk much - rate 7.” “Nigga what?” “Your page is average my nigga.” “Ouch. Is that why I was called down here?” “No. After we were finished, we counted over 43 memes about school shootings and 6 story times about them as well.” “Well those are old-“ “And because of recent events, you know how we feel about these things.” “But-“ “So, we could expel you indefinitely, orrrrr you could do us both a favor.” “WOAH HOLUP. $20 each or no deal.” “Huh? No nigga, we want you to shout out our meme pages.” “Wh-“ “Please bro can you shout me out bro I’m a small meme page and I look up to you and I’d really appreciate it if one of my idols shouted me out bro please bro I’ll love you forever bro please just put me in a caption or could you maybe make a meme of my friends making a retarded ass face that’d be sick bro honestly bro you’re the best if you do that bro please me and then counselor are tryna go and be like you one day bro please.” *blocked* Damn niggas is annoying.

*me doing my work in class* *teacher taps me* “You’re wanted in the office.” He says. Fuck they caught me juuling I thought. *i go down to t...

God, Golden Globes, and Love: Despite Not Running For President, Oprah Reveals That it Was "Worthy of Thinking About" @balleralert i love Despite Not Running For President, Oprah Reveals That it Was “Worthy of Thinking About”-blogged by @thereal__bee ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀ After rumors surfaced of a possible presidential campaign from Oprah Winfrey, the Queen recently revealed while running for President just doesn’t “interest her," it was “worthy of thinking about.” ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀ After a powerful speech at last month’s Golden Globes, some of Hollywood’s finest such as Steven Spielberg and Meryl Streep, all jumped on the bandwagon for an Oprah 2020 campaign. However, during an interview with ‘60 Minutes Overtime’ correspondent Ann Silvio, Queen O said she was rather surprised by the responses. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀ “It wasn’t my doing,” she explained. “Are you kidding me? I was just trying to give a good speech. I was looking for a way to express what was going on in this moment in terms of gender and class and race. I cared about landing that speech in the room.” ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀ While Winfrey is for sure not running in the next presidential election, she admits that she did consider it, and even said that multiple “wealthy men” offered to run her campaign and raise a billion dollars for her. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀ “I think when you have that many people whose opinions you value coming at you, it’s worthy of thinking about,” said Winfrey, who is also a ‘60 Minutes’ contributor. “I’ve never looked outside for other people to tell me when I should be making a move. And wouldn’t I know? Because if God actually wanted me to run, wouldn’t God kind of tell me? And I haven’t heard that. I do feel that I have a responsibility as a person who has a big voice in this country to use it to promote justice and kindness and goodwill in the world, but it has never felt to me that that was supposed to be political — and it still does not feel that to me. So I am actually humbled by the fact that people think that I could be a leader of the free world, but it’s just not in my spirit, it’s not my DNA.”
God, Golden Globes, and Love: Despite Not Running For
 President, Oprah Reveals That it
 Was "Worthy of Thinking About"
 @balleralert
 i love
Despite Not Running For President, Oprah Reveals That it Was “Worthy of Thinking About”-blogged by @thereal__bee ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀ After rumors surfaced of a possible presidential campaign from Oprah Winfrey, the Queen recently revealed while running for President just doesn’t “interest her," it was “worthy of thinking about.” ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀ After a powerful speech at last month’s Golden Globes, some of Hollywood’s finest such as Steven Spielberg and Meryl Streep, all jumped on the bandwagon for an Oprah 2020 campaign. However, during an interview with ‘60 Minutes Overtime’ correspondent Ann Silvio, Queen O said she was rather surprised by the responses. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀ “It wasn’t my doing,” she explained. “Are you kidding me? I was just trying to give a good speech. I was looking for a way to express what was going on in this moment in terms of gender and class and race. I cared about landing that speech in the room.” ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀ While Winfrey is for sure not running in the next presidential election, she admits that she did consider it, and even said that multiple “wealthy men” offered to run her campaign and raise a billion dollars for her. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀ “I think when you have that many people whose opinions you value coming at you, it’s worthy of thinking about,” said Winfrey, who is also a ‘60 Minutes’ contributor. “I’ve never looked outside for other people to tell me when I should be making a move. And wouldn’t I know? Because if God actually wanted me to run, wouldn’t God kind of tell me? And I haven’t heard that. I do feel that I have a responsibility as a person who has a big voice in this country to use it to promote justice and kindness and goodwill in the world, but it has never felt to me that that was supposed to be political — and it still does not feel that to me. So I am actually humbled by the fact that people think that I could be a leader of the free world, but it’s just not in my spirit, it’s not my DNA.”

Despite Not Running For President, Oprah Reveals That it Was “Worthy of Thinking About”-blogged by @thereal__bee ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀ After rumors s...

Bane, Blackhistory, and Blade: HI!MV NAMEIS JOHN A, BURR IN 1898 IINVENTED THE LAWN MOWER If you have a manual push mower today, it likely uses design elements from 19th Century black American inventor John Albert Burr's patented rotary blade lawn mower. On May 9, 1899, John Albert Burr patented an improved rotary blade lawn mower. Burr designed a lawn mower with traction wheels and a rotary blade that was designed to not easily get plugged up from lawn clippings. John Albert Burr also improved the design of lawn mowers by making it possible to mow closer to building and wall edges. You can view U.S. patent 624,749 issued to John Albert Burr. LIFE OF INVENTOR JOHN ALBERT BURR John Burr was born in Maryland in 1848, at a time when he would have been a teenager during the Civil War. His parents were slaves who were later freed, and he may also have been a slave until age 17. He didn't escape from manual labor, as he worked as a field hand during his teenage years. But his talent was recognized and wealthy black activists ensured he was able to attend engineering classes at a private university. He put his mechanical skills to work making a living repairing and servicing farm equipment and other machines. He moved to Chicago and also worked as a steelworker. When he filed his patent for the rotary mower in 1898, he was living in Agawam, Massachussetts. INVENTIONS OF JOHN ALBERT BURR "The object of my invention is to provide a casing which wholly incloses the operating gearing so as to prevent it from becoming choked by the grass or clogged by obstructions of any kind," reads the patent application. His rotary lawn mower design helped reduce the irritating clogs of clippings that are the bane of manual mowers. It was also more maneuverable and could be used for closer clipping around objects such as posts and buildings. Looking at his patent diagram, you will see a design that is very familiar for manual rotary mowers today. Burr enjoyed the fruits of his success. Unlike many inventors who never see their designs commercialized, or soon lose any benefits, he got royalties for his creations. He enjoyed traveling and lecturing. He lived a long life and died in 1926 of influenza at age 78. BlackHistory BlackExcellence JohnBurr theblaquelioness
Bane, Blackhistory, and Blade: HI!MV NAMEIS JOHN A, BURR
 IN 1898 IINVENTED THE
 LAWN MOWER
If you have a manual push mower today, it likely uses design elements from 19th Century black American inventor John Albert Burr's patented rotary blade lawn mower. On May 9, 1899, John Albert Burr patented an improved rotary blade lawn mower. Burr designed a lawn mower with traction wheels and a rotary blade that was designed to not easily get plugged up from lawn clippings. John Albert Burr also improved the design of lawn mowers by making it possible to mow closer to building and wall edges. You can view U.S. patent 624,749 issued to John Albert Burr. LIFE OF INVENTOR JOHN ALBERT BURR John Burr was born in Maryland in 1848, at a time when he would have been a teenager during the Civil War. His parents were slaves who were later freed, and he may also have been a slave until age 17. He didn't escape from manual labor, as he worked as a field hand during his teenage years. But his talent was recognized and wealthy black activists ensured he was able to attend engineering classes at a private university. He put his mechanical skills to work making a living repairing and servicing farm equipment and other machines. He moved to Chicago and also worked as a steelworker. When he filed his patent for the rotary mower in 1898, he was living in Agawam, Massachussetts. INVENTIONS OF JOHN ALBERT BURR "The object of my invention is to provide a casing which wholly incloses the operating gearing so as to prevent it from becoming choked by the grass or clogged by obstructions of any kind," reads the patent application. His rotary lawn mower design helped reduce the irritating clogs of clippings that are the bane of manual mowers. It was also more maneuverable and could be used for closer clipping around objects such as posts and buildings. Looking at his patent diagram, you will see a design that is very familiar for manual rotary mowers today. Burr enjoyed the fruits of his success. Unlike many inventors who never see their designs commercialized, or soon lose any benefits, he got royalties for his creations. He enjoyed traveling and lecturing. He lived a long life and died in 1926 of influenza at age 78. BlackHistory BlackExcellence JohnBurr theblaquelioness

If you have a manual push mower today, it likely uses design elements from 19th Century black American inventor John Albert Burr's patented ...

Advice, Fail, and Family: HAT IFI TOLD YOU 36 QUESTIONS ARE ENOUGH FOR A TOTAL STRANGER TO FALLIN LOVE WITH YOU? Disclaimer: This method is working for average people. A mental illnes:s or a physical appareance that disgusts your partner can make it fail After answering the questions, the 2 partners must stare into each other's eves for four minutes Let start:) Set l 1 Civen the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest? 2. Would you like to be famous? In what way? 3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse 4. What would constitute a "perfec day for you? 5. When did you last aing to yourself To aomeone elso? what you are going to say? Why 6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 yeara of your life, which would you want? 7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die? 8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in 9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful? 10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be? 11. Take four minutea and tell your partner your life atory in as much detail as poasible. 12. If you eould wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be? Set I 13·If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself. your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know? 14. Is there something that you've dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven't you done i? 15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life? 16. What do you value most in a friendahip? 17. What is your most treasured memory? 18. What is your most terrible memory? 19. If you knew that in one year you would die wuddenly would you change anything about the way you living? Why? are 20. What does friendship mean to you? 21. What roles do love and affection play in your life? 22. Altenate sharina somethina vou consider a positive 23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people's? 24. How do you feel about your mother? relationship with your Set III 25. Make three true "we" statements each. For instance, "We are both in this room feeling 26. Complete this sentence: "I wish Ihad someone with whom I could sharO 27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please hare what would be important for him or her to know. 28. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you've just met. 29. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life. 30. When did you last ery in front of another person? By yourself 31. Tell your partner aomething that you like about them already 32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about? 33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven't you told them yet? 34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why? 38. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why 38. Share a personal problem and ask your partner's advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen. I hope some of you 9gagers will use it sucessfully :) And sorry for the long post, here is a love potato <3
Advice, Fail, and Family: HAT IFI TOLD YOU
 36 QUESTIONS ARE ENOUGH FOR A TOTAL
 STRANGER TO FALLIN LOVE WITH YOU?
 Disclaimer: This method is working
 for average people. A mental illnes:s
 or a physical appareance that
 disgusts your partner can make it fail
 After answering the questions, the 2
 partners must stare into each
 other's eves for four minutes
 Let start:)
 Set l
 1 Civen the choice of anyone in the world, whom would
 you want as a dinner guest?
 2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?
 3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse
 4. What would constitute a "perfec day for you?
 5. When did you last aing to yourself To aomeone elso?
 what you are going to say? Why
 6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either
 the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 yeara of
 your life, which would you want?
 7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?
 8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have
 in
 9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
 10. If you could change anything about the way you were
 raised, what would it be?
 11. Take four minutea and tell your partner your life atory
 in as much detail as poasible.
 12. If you eould wake up tomorrow having gained any one
 quality or ability, what would it be?
 Set I
 13·If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself.
 your life, the future or anything else, what would you want
 to know?
 14. Is there something that you've dreamed of doing for a
 long time? Why haven't you done i?
 15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
 16. What do you value most in a friendahip?
 17. What is your most treasured memory?
 18. What is your most terrible memory?
 19. If you knew that in one year you would die wuddenly
 would you change anything about the way you
 living? Why?
 are
 20. What does friendship mean to you?
 21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?
 22. Altenate sharina somethina vou consider a positive
 23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your
 childhood was happier than most other people's?
 24. How do you feel about your
 mother?
 relationship with your
 Set III
 25. Make three true "we" statements each. For instance,
 "We are both in this room feeling
 26. Complete this sentence: "I wish Ihad someone with
 whom I could sharO
 27. If you were going to become a close friend with your
 partner, please hare what would be important for him or
 her to know.
 28. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very
 honest this time, saying things that you might not say to
 someone you've just met.
 29. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in
 your life.
 30. When did you last ery in front of another person? By
 yourself
 31. Tell your partner aomething that you like about them
 already
 32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?
 33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to
 communicate with anyone, what would you most regret
 not having told someone? Why haven't you told them yet?
 34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches
 fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time
 to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What
 would it be? Why?
 38. Of all the people in your family, whose death would
 you find most disturbing? Why
 38. Share a personal problem and ask your partner's
 advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your
 partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling
 about the problem you have chosen.
 I hope some of you 9gagers will use
 it sucessfully :)
 And sorry for the long post,
 here is a love potato <3