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Scotch, Neat, and Please: Senor Mustache would like his scotch neat, please.
Scotch, Neat, and Please: Senor Mustache would like his scotch neat, please.

Senor Mustache would like his scotch neat, please.

Scotch, Neat, and Please: Senor Mustache would like his scotch neat, please.
Scotch, Neat, and Please: Senor Mustache would like his scotch neat, please.

Senor Mustache would like his scotch neat, please.

Anaconda, College, and God: PIRITS bookhobbit why is "olde vampires in high school" the big thing and not "olde vampires in college" everyone in college is eccentric. everyone you wanna wear full on Victorian suit? the girl in pajamas who clearly hasn't slept in three days supports you everyone is too preoccupied to care as long as you're polite and follow class etiquette multiple high school diplomas? eh. same stuff. multiple BAs? Enjoy learning chemistry AND art history! All in detail! wandering around campus at 3am? that's just the lifestyle tm * no matter how old or young you look it's not really that weird, there's sixteen year olds and sixty year olds doing BAs somewhere big schools are very anonymous so nobody's gonna bother to hassle you * anorthernskyatdawn the girl in pyjamas is the vampire themauvesoul Also: If u put ur blood in a water bottle ppl will assume it's juice and be Jealous "Oh god I'm a monster" 20 students who r all procrastinating big projects say "same simultaniousely and with the exact same tone Everything is a joke so if u say "I subsist on the lifeblood of mankind" someone will go "lol what a mood* It would take u like 100 years to major in everything Seen sucking the blood of a fellow classmate and u r instantly the campus Cryptid and Mascoft Listen. If u have an ethical dilemma go find a philosophy major that believes in ethical subjectivism and they'll make u so angry u forget abt whatever the fuck was bothering u College is the only acceptable place to get into fistfights over classical literature * e * iterally all u need to do to avoid suspicion is be the guy that alway:s has qum and a stapler If u have a majestic mustache ppl will just assume ur an English major Allergic to crosses? Cool. So r certain stem majors. e * College Vampires
Anaconda, College, and God: PIRITS
 bookhobbit
 why is "olde vampires in high school" the big thing and not "olde vampires
 in college"
 everyone in college is eccentric. everyone
 you wanna wear full on Victorian suit? the girl in pajamas who
 clearly hasn't slept in three days supports you
 everyone is too preoccupied to care as long as you're polite and
 follow class etiquette
 multiple high school diplomas? eh. same stuff. multiple BAs? Enjoy
 learning chemistry AND art history! All in detail!
 wandering around campus at 3am? that's just the lifestyle tm
 *
 no matter how old or young you look it's not really that weird, there's
 sixteen year olds and sixty year olds doing BAs somewhere
 big schools are very anonymous so nobody's gonna bother to hassle
 you
 *
 anorthernskyatdawn
 the girl in pyjamas is the vampire
 themauvesoul
 Also:
 If u put ur blood in a water bottle ppl will assume it's juice and be
 Jealous
 "Oh god I'm a monster" 20 students who r all procrastinating big
 projects say "same simultaniousely and with the exact same tone
 Everything is a joke so if u say "I subsist on the lifeblood of
 mankind" someone will go "lol what a mood*
 It would take u like 100 years to major in everything
 Seen sucking the blood of a fellow classmate and u r instantly the
 campus Cryptid and Mascoft
 Listen. If u have an ethical dilemma go find a philosophy major that
 believes in ethical subjectivism and they'll make u so angry u forget
 abt whatever the fuck was bothering u
 College is the only acceptable place to get into fistfights over
 classical literature
 *
 e
 *
 iterally all u need to do to avoid suspicion is be the guy that alway:s
 has qum and a stapler
 If u have a majestic mustache ppl will just assume ur an English
 major
 Allergic to crosses? Cool. So r certain stem majors.
 e
 *
College Vampires

College Vampires

9/11, America, and Children: The Turkey Story So it's 2001, and my family drives from fu California and like three blizzards to get to Ohio for into a nursing home and it's their last holiday in that house. So its a bit bittersweet but ultimately a good thing. Since it's their last holiday there, the family pulls out all the stops when it comes to dinner, all the Russian desserts come out, as does the Lethal Bacon Mashed Potatoes and the horrible candied yams with the mini marshmallows dish because not all expressions of love are even if they are si In the spirit of going alout, Uncle Bobby smokes a Turkey Uncle Bobby started cooking as a boy foil-wrapped potatoes into a campfire and has been ad- dicted since, and now has a hand-made smokehouse in the backyard where he makes various cured meats and other delights. He seasons the turkey in the traditional manner, but he and grandpa have a shared passion for SO Game Hen seasoned that way, for them. Then Bobby has a Brilliant Idea. He realizes that he can stuff the turkey (once it has been smoked) with regular stuffing, and there is still plenty of room for him to put the game hen inside THAT, and stuff the game hen be- cuase why not? He confers with Mom, and she explains how to cut open the turkey so there's dramatic reveal as the stuffing and game hen come out. It's Genius. Except, of course, that my Aunt Sue is attending, Uncle Cliff s after her So the day of the dinner, tensions are running a bit high, between the marathon cooking, the kids al being trapped indoors due to aforementioned blizzards, and Uncle Cliff deciding that the best way to amuse himself is by hiding from the adults in the basement, getting drunk and rambling about how various ethic groups were destroying America. Being that I had close Muslim friends that were leaving the country becuase of 9/11, 1 was near tears from this nonsense and ready to n roughly five times my size. Sue, for some reason, keeps coming down and defending him, or telling us we're rotten children for 'attacking him, becuase she Must Stand By Her Man, even if her man is a hefty bag of dog feces with an ugly mustache My sister eventually boits upstairs to tattle and my grandfather limps down to the basement and brandishes his Hip Bone Cane, hands rock-steady in spite of the Parkinson's slowly taking over him. Firstly Cliff, It may not be my roof much longer but while you are under it you will be civil, or Ill beat your skull in. Also, dinner's ready, everyone go wash up. We go upstairs and sit down, and do the traditional "Name one thing you're thankful for as the bread gets passed around the table, and things calm down a bit. Bobby brings out the Turkey and everyone goes OOH becuase it's really pretty, them Mom carves it open so that the stuffing spills out dramatically along with the game hen and there's an appreciative gasp all around becuase it looks cool. Only Sue KEEPS gasping, in utter horror, before getting up and clasping her hands to her face ala Edvard Munch and shrieks OH MY GOD IT WAS PREGNANTI We all stare at Sue. We all look back at the fully-dressed-cooked-and-stuffed birds that in no way had any internal organs in them or ever gave live birth Then we all looked back at Sue, trying to figure out where to begin but since shed been trying to justify Cliffs behavior she was pretty much free-associating conspiracies and scandals now, and just kept going. IT WAS PREGNANT MY GOD WE'VE COMMITTED AN ABORTION WE'RE ALL GOING TO HELL FOR THIS, I'M SO SORRY JESUS She goes into full pearl-clutching gibbering horror at this point and falls back into her chair like it's a Victorian fainting couch only it's a shitty chair from the Eisenhower administration so it collapses and she slams into the floor, sobbing and kicking her feet like a toddler Everyone watched for a moment before my Mom sighs heavily and starts carving and serving the turkey while my grandmother mouths she's not coming back Cliff, reactions delayed by about six beers, finally notices his wife is on the floor and tries to pick her up, are assisted by Dad, who is saintly patient man and less immune to this jacknapery at that point. I am stuffing dinner rolls into my face to keep from laughing at this grand spectacle ICANT EAT IT, I REFUSE TO PARTAKE IN THIS BARBARISM Sue begins but Dad puts on his best Kindly Father voice (he was heavily involved with the catholic church and even considered becoming a priest before getting drafted but that's another story)and assures Sue that she need not eat, or even be in the room if she wants. She nods, placated by being the center of attention again, and Dad goes in for the kill. I wouldn't want you to go hungry. Can I make you some That would be lovely." Said Sue, joke flying over her ng 747. I recall watching my grandmot her nearly choke to death on the green beans over that, and everyone pointedly trying to avoid talking about anything poultry-related while Sue sat there and ate the most ironic scrambled eggs in the history of mankind. Shortly thereafter, Cliff threw up in the sink and they went home, and the party got underway properly, with Grandpa raising a toast to Mom and Uncle Bobby For t Turkey has been an staple since then. I'll see if I can hit Uncle Bobby up for instructions but if you decide to make it 1. you HAVE to shriek "OH MY GOD IT WAS PREGNANT when you carve it open, or it's not authentic and won't taste as good 2. Share the pictures with me, Very planned Parenthood
9/11, America, and Children: The Turkey Story
 So it's 2001, and my family drives from fu
 California and like three blizzards to get to Ohio for
 into
 a nursing home and it's their last holiday in that house.
 So its a bit bittersweet but ultimately a good thing.
 Since it's their last holiday there, the family pulls out
 all the stops when it comes to dinner, all the Russian
 desserts come out, as does the Lethal Bacon Mashed
 Potatoes and the horrible candied yams with the mini
 marshmallows dish because not all expressions of love
 are
 even if they are si
 In the spirit of going
 alout, Uncle Bobby smokes a Turkey
 Uncle Bobby started cooking as a boy
 foil-wrapped potatoes into a campfire and has been ad-
 dicted since, and now has a hand-made smokehouse in
 the backyard where he makes various cured meats and
 other delights. He seasons the turkey in the traditional
 manner, but he and grandpa have a shared passion for
 SO
 Game Hen seasoned that way, for them.
 Then Bobby has a Brilliant Idea. He realizes that he can
 stuff the turkey (once it has been smoked) with regular
 stuffing, and there is still plenty of room for him to put
 the game hen inside THAT, and stuff the game hen be-
 cuase why not? He confers with Mom, and she explains
 how to cut open the turkey so there's dramatic reveal
 as the stuffing and game hen come out. It's Genius.
 Except, of course, that my Aunt Sue is attending, Uncle
 Cliff s
 after her
 So the day of the dinner, tensions are running a bit
 high, between the marathon cooking, the kids al being
 trapped indoors due to aforementioned blizzards,
 and Uncle Cliff deciding that the best way to amuse
 himself is by hiding from the adults in the basement,
 getting drunk and rambling about how various ethic
 groups were destroying America. Being that I had close
 Muslim friends that were leaving the country becuase of
 9/11, 1 was near tears from this nonsense and ready to
 n roughly five times my size.
 Sue, for some reason, keeps coming down and
 defending him, or telling us we're rotten children
 for 'attacking him, becuase she Must Stand By Her
 Man, even if her man is a hefty bag of dog feces with an
 ugly
 mustache
 My sister eventually boits upstairs to tattle and
 my grandfather limps down to the basement and
 brandishes his Hip Bone Cane, hands rock-steady in
 spite of the Parkinson's slowly taking over him.
 Firstly Cliff, It may not be my roof much longer but
 while you are under it you will be civil, or Ill beat your
 skull in. Also, dinner's ready, everyone go wash up.
 We go upstairs and sit down, and do the
 traditional "Name one thing you're thankful for as the
 bread gets passed around the table, and things calm
 down a bit. Bobby brings out the Turkey and everyone
 goes OOH becuase it's really pretty, them Mom carves
 it open so that the stuffing spills out dramatically along
 with the game hen and there's an appreciative gasp all
 around becuase it looks cool.
 Only Sue KEEPS gasping, in utter horror, before getting
 up and clasping her hands to her face ala Edvard
 Munch and shrieks
 OH MY GOD IT WAS PREGNANTI
 We all stare at Sue. We all look back at the
 fully-dressed-cooked-and-stuffed birds that in no way
 had any internal organs in them or ever gave live birth
 Then we all looked back at Sue, trying to figure out
 where to begin but since shed been trying to justify
 Cliffs behavior she was pretty much free-associating
 conspiracies and scandals now, and just kept going.
 IT WAS PREGNANT MY GOD WE'VE COMMITTED AN
 ABORTION WE'RE ALL GOING TO HELL FOR THIS, I'M
 SO SORRY JESUS She goes into full pearl-clutching
 gibbering horror at this point and falls back into her
 chair like it's a Victorian fainting couch only it's a
 shitty chair from the Eisenhower administration so it
 collapses and she slams into the floor, sobbing and
 kicking her feet like a toddler
 Everyone watched for a moment before my Mom sighs
 heavily and starts carving and serving the turkey while
 my grandmother mouths she's not coming back
 Cliff, reactions delayed by about six beers, finally
 notices his wife is on the floor and tries to pick her up,
 are assisted by Dad,
 who is saintly patient man and less immune to this
 jacknapery at that point. I am stuffing dinner rolls into
 my face to keep from laughing at this grand spectacle
 ICANT EAT IT, I REFUSE TO PARTAKE IN THIS
 BARBARISM Sue begins but Dad puts on his best
 Kindly Father voice (he was heavily involved with the
 catholic church and even considered becoming a priest
 before getting drafted but that's another story)and
 assures Sue that she need not eat, or even be in the
 room if she wants. She nods, placated by being the
 center of attention again, and Dad goes in for the kill.
 I wouldn't want you to go hungry. Can I make you
 some
 That would be lovely." Said Sue, joke flying over her
 ng 747. I recall watching my grandmot
 her nearly choke to death on the green beans over that,
 and everyone pointedly trying to avoid talking about
 anything poultry-related while Sue sat there and ate the
 most ironic scrambled eggs in the history of mankind.
 Shortly thereafter, Cliff threw up in the sink and they
 went home, and the party got underway properly, with
 Grandpa raising a toast to Mom and Uncle Bobby For
 t Turkey has been an
 staple since then. I'll see if I can hit Uncle Bobby up for
 instructions but if you decide to make it 1. you HAVE
 to shriek "OH MY GOD IT WAS PREGNANT when you
 carve it open, or it's not authentic and won't taste as
 good 2. Share the pictures with me,
Very planned Parenthood

Very planned Parenthood