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Being Alone, Boner, and Do a Barrel Roll: People Can't Handle The Way Morrissey Describes A Boner In His Novel A bulbous salutation to you all. posted on Sept. 24, 2015, at 9:52 a.m Alan White BuzzFeed News Reporter, UK So, during a sex scene in Morrissey's recently published novel List of the Lost, this happens. Eliza's breasts barrel-rolled across Ezra's howling mouth and the pained frenzy of his bulbous salutation extenuating his excitement as it smacked its way into every muscle of Eliza's body except for the otherwise central zone." 03 thebibliosphere: doebarnes: mugsandpugs: jottingprosaist: shredsandpatches: hedwig-dordt: naznomad: martingoresangst: Thats the weirdest erotic sentence i’ve read all month this fucking post singlehandedly ruined my life You don’t really appreciate how fucking great fan fic is when it comes to writing sex untill you stop to recognise how Serious Literary Stars fail at writing sex. DO A BARREL ROLL #in all my years of reading fic i have never encountered a sentence this terrible #did he just say that his dick smacked EVERY MUSCLE in her body except you know her vagina? #like I'MMA SMACK YOU IN THE CHEEK I'MMA SMACK YOU IN THE SHOULDER I'MMA SMACK YOU IN THE CALF #what is your dick doing?? #how do you think sex works morrissey?? Forget what his dick is doing, what are her breasts doing? How do a pair of fat sacks attached to a ribcage barrel-roll anywhere? Let alone across a man’s mouth and then his wanger immediately after? Sir, why is your mouth so dong-adjacent? Is your weiner detachable, is that it? Do you have your joystick clutched in your hand so that you can score a sweet schlong-to-titty-roll immediately after a kiss and then proceed to beat your banana all over her body in the world’s most failed attempt at erotic massage??? HOW DO YOU THINK SEX WORKS??? … guys ….. Are the sex scenes in My Immortal better than this?“HE PUT HIS THINGY IN MY YOU-KNOW-WHAT AND WE HAD SEX.” … I mean. Comparatively… Like, in My Immortal, it’s at least implied he knows where he’s supposed to put it. It’s very simplistic, Ikea-style sex (insert tab A into slot B) but that’s better than this vague, useless composition of random, nonsensical placement and movement of body parts. So yes, the sex in My Immortal is, in this sense, better. @goddessemily   was it this post?
Being Alone, Boner, and Do a Barrel Roll: People Can't Handle The
 Way Morrissey Describes A
 Boner In His Novel
 A bulbous salutation to you all.
 posted on Sept. 24, 2015, at 9:52 a.m
 Alan White
 BuzzFeed News Reporter, UK
 So, during a sex scene in Morrissey's
 recently published novel List of the
 Lost, this happens.
 Eliza's breasts barrel-rolled across Ezra's
 howling mouth and the pained frenzy of
 his bulbous salutation extenuating his
 excitement as it smacked its way into
 every muscle of Eliza's body except for
 the otherwise central zone."
 03
thebibliosphere:

doebarnes:

mugsandpugs:

jottingprosaist:

shredsandpatches:

hedwig-dordt:

naznomad:

martingoresangst:

Thats the weirdest erotic sentence i’ve read all month

this fucking post singlehandedly ruined my life

You don’t really appreciate how fucking great fan fic is when it comes to writing sex untill you stop to recognise how Serious Literary Stars fail at writing sex.

DO A BARREL ROLL



#in all my years of reading fic i have never encountered a sentence this terrible #did he just say that his dick smacked EVERY MUSCLE in her body except you know her vagina? #like I'MMA SMACK YOU IN THE CHEEK I'MMA SMACK YOU IN THE SHOULDER I'MMA SMACK YOU IN THE CALF #what is your dick doing?? #how do you think sex works morrissey??


Forget what his dick is doing, what are her breasts doing? How do a pair of fat sacks attached to a ribcage barrel-roll anywhere? Let alone across a man’s mouth and then his wanger immediately after? Sir, why is your mouth so dong-adjacent? Is your weiner detachable, is that it? Do you have your joystick clutched in your hand so that you can score a sweet schlong-to-titty-roll immediately after a kiss and then proceed to beat your banana all over her body in the world’s most failed attempt at erotic massage??? HOW DO YOU THINK SEX WORKS???

… guys
….. Are the sex scenes in My Immortal better than this?“HE PUT HIS THINGY IN MY YOU-KNOW-WHAT AND WE HAD SEX.”
… I mean. Comparatively…

Like, in My Immortal, it’s at least implied he knows where he’s supposed to put it. It’s very simplistic, Ikea-style sex (insert tab A into slot B) but that’s better than this vague, useless composition of random, nonsensical placement and movement of body parts.

So yes, the sex in My Immortal is, in this sense, better.


@goddessemily   was it this post?

thebibliosphere: doebarnes: mugsandpugs: jottingprosaist: shredsandpatches: hedwig-dordt: naznomad: martingoresangst: Thats the weir...

Fucking, Life, and School: DONNY CATES. @Doncates , Dec 11 I promise you dont really want to read a book where Eddie is doing fine and everything is awesome and everyone is happy. That book is boring and you will not like that book Or maybe you would. I dunno. I'm not writing that book symbisexual-disaster:*glances wearily at my 5,000 bookmarked fics in which everything is awesome and everyone is happy*  Honestly this just shows what a shallow understanding of story writing he has and I don’t know how he got to become a writer as a result of this.Conflict makes a story interesting but it’s pretty clear that a) he only has 1 idea of conflict (tragedy) and b) he sees no room for character growth (because anything other than tragedy is considered boring and irrelevant and therefore we never see characters put into different situations and he doesn’t have to write them react to anything other than tragedy).Showing Eddie and Venom doing well doesn’t even have to be the whole series (honestly I’d find that pretty boring too after several issues as much as I want to see Eddie and Venom grocery shopping or going to the farmer’s market). The point of doing so is a) character development and b) a break in the storyline from any current conflict. As much as peace/ trivial aspects of Eddie’s life will get boring after several issues, so will conflict. I’m really tired of seeing overblown issues left right and centre and absolutely no pause given to Eddie’s development (not to mention he’s regressing because of shitty writing).That one scene where Eddie’s speaking to V but seemingly himself when he’s eating noodles and V’s asking for a bloody steak? That’s the kind of shit I’m talking about. It’s literally 2 pages of Eddie speaking to himself, being very kind to V, then snapping back at a stranger who’s weirded out by him and he and V then proceed to have a conversation about innocence and stupidity. Not only does this show Eddie’s a dick in day-to-day life which contrasts with his ideas of being a good person and saving the innocent, it also shows V’s basic (but forming) ideas about human characteristics and personalities and Eddie has to do his best to help V understand innocent =/= stupid. That’s all it fucking took! 2 pages of a regular conversation between Eddie and V! Then you can get back to whatever conflict is happening!Donny Cates never graduated from the school of ‘I like these characters and I’m going to make them suffer’ and it shows.
Fucking, Life, and School: DONNY CATES. @Doncates , Dec 11
 I promise you dont really want to read a book where Eddie is doing fine and
 everything is awesome and everyone is happy. That book is boring and you will
 not like that book
 Or maybe you would. I dunno.
 I'm not writing that book
symbisexual-disaster:*glances wearily at my 5,000 bookmarked fics in which everything is awesome and everyone is happy* 
Honestly this just shows what a shallow understanding of story writing he has and I don’t know how he got to become a writer as a result of this.Conflict makes a story interesting but it’s pretty clear that a) he only has 1 idea of conflict (tragedy) and b) he sees no room for character growth (because anything other than tragedy is considered boring and irrelevant and therefore we never see characters put into different situations and he doesn’t have to write them react to anything other than tragedy).Showing Eddie and Venom doing well doesn’t even have to be the whole series (honestly I’d find that pretty boring too after several issues as much as I want to see Eddie and Venom grocery shopping or going to the farmer’s market). The point of doing so is a) character development and b) a break in the storyline from any current conflict. As much as peace/ trivial aspects of Eddie’s life will get boring after several issues, so will conflict. I’m really tired of seeing overblown issues left right and centre and absolutely no pause given to Eddie’s development (not to mention he’s regressing because of shitty writing).That one scene where Eddie’s speaking to V but seemingly himself when he’s eating noodles and V’s asking for a bloody steak? That’s the kind of shit I’m talking about. It’s literally 2 pages of Eddie speaking to himself, being very kind to V, then snapping back at a stranger who’s weirded out by him and he and V then proceed to have a conversation about innocence and stupidity. Not only does this show Eddie’s a dick in day-to-day life which contrasts with his ideas of being a good person and saving the innocent, it also shows V’s basic (but forming) ideas about human characteristics and personalities and Eddie has to do his best to help V understand innocent =/= stupid. That’s all it fucking took! 2 pages of a regular conversation between Eddie and V! Then you can get back to whatever conflict is happening!Donny Cates never graduated from the school of ‘I like these characters and I’m going to make them suffer’ and it shows.

symbisexual-disaster:*glances wearily at my 5,000 bookmarked fics in which everything is awesome and everyone is happy*  Honestly this just ...

Animals, Beautiful, and Cats: pining-sheith: pining-sheith: This is Milo. Milo is my only sister and was 21 years old. They would have been 22 in April. Milo was an amazing, wonderful, and kind-hearted person who always did their best to be strong and stubborn. They proved that over the last 48 hours. On October 11, 2018, approximately at 7:08 AM EST, Milo was struck by a car while crossing the street at a crosswalk to catch the bus that would take them downtown. Milo was an animation student at CCAD and was catching the bus to get to class. Due to the accident, they sustained 3 fractures to their skull, both of their hips were broken, one of their legs was broken, their face was fractured, and also suffered from a fractured neck and spinal cord injury. Milo was expected to not make it past 3 PM on October 11 but managed to hang on until this morning. Unfortunately, Milo passed away on October 12 and I am getting to why I am here asking for your help. My family did not have life insurance for Milo and my mother has myriad of health problems on top of now dealing with the death of her child. My mother desperately wishes to bury Milo with my grandparents and my uncle but to do this we need money so we may proceed with Milo’s funeral arrangements. I know the asking price is very steep but any donation is better than what we have which is nothing at the current moment. The police are doing a full investigation and we do not know of what kind of insurance the driver had and if they will be able to cover these costs. We do know we need money up front and soon so we may put my sister to rest. If you can only even donate a dollar it is better than the nothing we have right now. If Milo reaches their goal of 7,000 dollars and goes over, I will donate any remainder to the local animal shelter in Milo’s name. We have two beautiful cats Milo loved very deeply and Milo cared so much for animals, I know that is something they would have liked. The past 48 hours have been extremely hard on my family and I am doing all that I can do to help ease my mother’s pain so she does not have to worry about the costs of burying her child. If you can assist in any way, I appreciate you. Thank you. Go Fund Me Page reblogs are appreciated I’m sorry for the double reblog but if you would like to donate via PayPal you can here
Animals, Beautiful, and Cats: pining-sheith:

pining-sheith:

This is Milo. Milo is my only sister and was 21 years old. They would have been 22 in April. Milo was an amazing, wonderful, and kind-hearted person who always did their best to be strong and stubborn. They proved that over the last 48 hours. On October 11, 2018, approximately at 7:08 AM EST, Milo was struck by a car while crossing the street at a crosswalk to catch the bus that would take them downtown. Milo was an animation student at CCAD and was catching the bus to get to class. Due to the accident, they sustained 3 fractures to their skull, both of their hips were broken, one of their legs was broken, their face was fractured, and also suffered from a fractured neck and spinal cord injury. Milo was expected to not make it past 3 PM on October 11 but managed to hang on until this morning. Unfortunately, Milo passed away on October 12 and I am getting to why I am here asking for your help. My family did not have life insurance for Milo and my mother has myriad of health problems on top of now dealing with the death of her child. My mother desperately wishes to bury Milo with my grandparents and my uncle but to do this we need money so we may proceed with Milo’s funeral arrangements. I know the asking price is very steep but any donation is better than what we have which is nothing at the current moment. The police are doing a full investigation and we do not know of what kind of insurance the driver had and if they will be able to cover these costs. We do know we need money up front and soon so we may put my sister to rest. If you can only even donate a dollar it is better than the nothing we have right now. If Milo reaches their goal of 7,000 dollars and goes over, I will donate any remainder to the local animal shelter in Milo’s name. We have two beautiful cats Milo loved very deeply and Milo cared so much for animals, I know that is something they would have liked. The past 48 hours have been extremely hard on my family and I am doing all that I can do to help ease my mother’s pain so she does not have to worry about the costs of burying her child. If you can assist in any way, I appreciate you. Thank you.
Go Fund Me Page
reblogs are appreciated

I’m sorry for the double reblog but if you would like to donate via PayPal you can here

pining-sheith: pining-sheith: This is Milo. Milo is my only sister and was 21 years old. They would have been 22 in April. Milo was an ama...

Traffic, Heroes, and Los Angeles: Tanker truck explodes on Los Angeles highway, taco truck proceed to sell tacos in traffic jam (Not all heroes wear capes)
Traffic, Heroes, and Los Angeles: Tanker truck explodes on Los Angeles highway, taco truck proceed to sell tacos in traffic jam (Not all heroes wear capes)

Tanker truck explodes on Los Angeles highway, taco truck proceed to sell tacos in traffic jam (Not all heroes wear capes)

Bad, Dank, and Family: Validating your wife's feelings. You don't have to understand the exact feelings in play to show solidarity. Below are some helpful phrases that may help you better express YOUR feelings about her feelings. She just wants to know that you care. She needs space to process what she's feeling before she is ready to move on to problem solving and logic. Give her this space and show your support by employing a response from below 1. An apology (one or more of these may apply, but likely only one will be necessary) "I'm sorry I hurt your feelings'" "That sounds like it sucks. I'm sorry" "I'm sorry I wasn't listening" "l'm sorry I made you feel that way" 2. A follow up (to show how much you care utilize one or more of the following that apply) "I didn't know that [action or statement] would make you feel [bad thing], you are [good thing] to me "Can you think of anything that would make you feel better?" "I hate that I made you feel this way." "I hope you know I would never do that on purpose" "I wish I knew how to make you feel better" "I'm not sure what I can do to make you feel better, but l'd like to try "I hate that my family or friend made you feel that way" "I hear what you are saying. It's hard for me to feel like I can't fix it" "I hope you know you are [good thing]. I never want you to feel [bad thing]" "This is hard for me too" "I don't quite understand what's going on. Can you explain it again or tell me how I can help?" "You don't need to yell. I'm listening, and I hope you'll listen to me next" "I really want to fix this, but you're going to have to help me understand what's wrong" "I didn't know you were this upset" "I can see that you're upset, but I don't understand why" "l don't know what to say" "Let's try to avoid another misunderstanding like this" "l see why you're feeling that way Would you like a glass of wine?" 3. She might also have some things to apologize for. Once you have apologized kindly using two or three follow up statements you can try to start problem solving. Proceed with caution. It's important that you don't rush from apologizing to criticizing Editor's note: this guide is intended to help turn your feelings into words that help a situation Please to do not simply read a response from this guide. You should still mean what you are saying My friend made her husband an apology cheat sheet (posted with permission). by jinx2369 MORE MEMES
Bad, Dank, and Family: Validating your wife's feelings. You don't have to understand the exact feelings in play to show
 solidarity. Below are some helpful phrases that may help you better express YOUR feelings
 about her feelings. She just wants to know that you care. She needs space to process what
 she's feeling before she is ready to move on to problem solving and logic. Give her this space
 and show your support by employing a response from below
 1. An apology (one or more of these may apply, but likely only one will be necessary)
 "I'm sorry I hurt your feelings'"
 "That sounds like it sucks. I'm sorry"
 "I'm sorry I wasn't listening"
 "l'm sorry I made you feel that way"
 2. A follow up (to show how much you care utilize one or more of the following that apply)
 "I didn't know that [action or statement] would make you feel [bad thing], you are [good thing] to
 me
 "Can you think of anything that would make you feel better?"
 "I hate that I made you feel this way."
 "I hope you know I would never do that on purpose"
 "I wish I knew how to make you feel better"
 "I'm not sure what I can do to make you feel better, but l'd like to try
 "I hate that my family or friend made you feel that way"
 "I hear what you are saying. It's hard for me to feel like I can't fix it"
 "I hope you know you are [good thing]. I never want you to feel [bad thing]"
 "This is hard for me too"
 "I don't quite understand what's going on. Can you explain it again or tell me how I can help?"
 "You don't need to yell. I'm listening, and I hope you'll listen to me next"
 "I really want to fix this, but you're going to have to help me understand what's wrong"
 "I didn't know you were this upset"
 "I can see that you're upset, but I don't understand why"
 "l don't know what to say"
 "Let's try to avoid another misunderstanding like this"
 "l see why you're feeling that way
 Would you like a glass of wine?"
 3. She might also have some things to apologize for. Once you have apologized kindly using
 two or three follow up statements you can try to start problem solving. Proceed with caution. It's
 important that you don't rush from apologizing to criticizing
 Editor's note: this guide is intended to help turn your feelings into words that help a situation
 Please to do not simply read a response from this guide. You should still mean what you are
 saying
My friend made her husband an apology cheat sheet (posted with permission). by jinx2369
MORE MEMES

My friend made her husband an apology cheat sheet (posted with permission). by jinx2369 MORE MEMES

Asian, Fucking, and God: THE ONION EDITION 10c FINEST AMERICAN NEWS SOURCE MAN WALKS ON FUCKING MOON NEIL ARMSTRONG'S HISTORIC FIRST WORDS ON MOON HOLY LIVING FUCK' THE MOON Jesus fucking down in the moon's low gravity The distant, lonely, mysterious colleague on the lunar surface. satellite that has tascinated Hl, yeah Hell yeah," an mankind since the dawn of time ecstatie Aldrin said, pumping astronauts Neil Armstrong and lt's like I told you on the way down on the Sea of Tranquty his shipmate. "Remember?I told in the lunar module Eagle andyou this was going to be fucking Chris Houston. We're on the spent two hours engaged in bove: Neil Armstrong on the surface of the fucking moon chological preparations for the to the capsule. Their intense 18 un-fucking-believableness f month NASA training period- the next phase of the operation, the primary unction of which earthlings watched on televi- credible nature of their mis- ed the tour steps leading out of at one point Armstrong had to the module, pause, and tooksit down and take several deep one small but epoch-making breaths. "just so I dont fueking HOUSTON:Roer. Tranquility 250,000 miles away. " abso-seientists at press time still fucking-lutely am standing oncouldnot eve begin to fucking TRANQUILITY; [t wasa smooth The Earth as seen Ho y Jesus the sur ace of the moon rom the surfaceof the fuckingmoon conceive I am talking to you from the The astronauts also planted an goddamned fueking moon. JesusAmerican flag in the ground H. Christ in a chicken basketongside a plaque reading, in Holy mother of tuck," the first part: "This plaque, placed here Christ's sake. the moon. Over. HOUSTON: You're clear, Tran- pause.) HOUSTON: Roger that. You're quility. Proceed. Over. clear for T1, walkingon lhe, TRANQUILITY: Can see the| TRANQUILITY: Holy 〔pause) Lunar Module ootpads de- living (long pause) fuck. (Long man on the moon added. Roger, no fucking doubt about rom the planet around which it," Mission Controller Peterthis celestial body orbits, will Lovell replied. A-fucking-fir- rest undisturbed on this spot for HOUSTON: You're cleared to, the goddamned moon· (Long| copy? Conveyor. To walk (pause HOUSTON: We read you. Over ing believing this? Over fucking walk on the moon. TRANQUILITY: Footpads depHOUSTON: We read you. Over Eight minutes later, as Armholy living tuck. Can you believe E CAN PUT A MAN ON THE tou uieeakendMOON, BUT WE CAN'T BOMB TRANQUILITY: LEC attached. Surface is powdery. One more lutely am standing on the sur- pause.) I'm hypervnlating.talking to you from the god- HOUSTON: Everything okay,Hold on. r. (lang0ujSsriotinchskn bastA TINY ASIAN NATION INTO the ladder. Can see the Eath, TRANQUILITY: I'm on the bot- THANQUILITY Holy mother THE STONE AGE? A newspaper from July 21st, 1969
Asian, Fucking, and God: THE ONION
 EDITION
 10c
 FINEST AMERICAN NEWS SOURCE
 MAN WALKS ON
 FUCKING MOON
 NEIL ARMSTRONG'S HISTORIC FIRST
 WORDS ON MOON
 HOLY LIVING FUCK'
 THE MOON Jesus fucking down in the moon's low gravity
 The distant, lonely, mysterious colleague on the lunar surface.
 satellite that has tascinated Hl, yeah Hell yeah," an
 mankind since the dawn of time ecstatie Aldrin said, pumping
 astronauts Neil Armstrong and
 lt's like I told you on the way
 down on the Sea of Tranquty his shipmate. "Remember?I told
 in the lunar module Eagle andyou this was going to be fucking
 Chris Houston. We're on the spent two hours engaged in
 bove: Neil Armstrong on the surface of the fucking moon
 chological preparations for the to the capsule. Their intense 18
 un-fucking-believableness f month NASA training period-
 the next phase of the operation, the primary unction of which
 earthlings watched on televi- credible nature of their mis-
 ed the tour steps leading out of at one point Armstrong had to
 the module, pause, and tooksit down and take several deep
 one small but epoch-making breaths. "just so I dont fueking
 HOUSTON:Roer. Tranquility
 250,000 miles away. " abso-seientists at press time still
 fucking-lutely am standing oncouldnot eve begin to fucking
 TRANQUILITY; [t wasa smooth
 The Earth as seen
 Ho y Jesus
 the sur ace of the moon
 rom
 the surfaceof the fuckingmoon
 conceive
 I am talking to you from the The astronauts also planted an
 goddamned fueking moon. JesusAmerican flag in the ground
 H. Christ in a chicken basketongside a plaque reading, in
 Holy mother of tuck," the first part: "This plaque, placed here
 Christ's sake. the moon. Over. HOUSTON: You're clear, Tran-
 pause.)
 HOUSTON: Roger that. You're
 quility. Proceed. Over.
 clear for T1, walkingon lhe, TRANQUILITY: Can see the| TRANQUILITY: Holy 〔pause)
 Lunar Module ootpads de- living (long pause) fuck. (Long man on the moon added.
 Roger, no fucking doubt about rom the planet around which
 it," Mission Controller Peterthis celestial body orbits, will
 Lovell replied. A-fucking-fir- rest undisturbed on this spot for
 HOUSTON: You're cleared to, the goddamned moon· (Long| copy?
 Conveyor. To walk (pause HOUSTON: We read you. Over ing believing this? Over
 fucking walk on the moon. TRANQUILITY: Footpads depHOUSTON: We read you. Over
 Eight minutes later, as Armholy living tuck. Can you believe
 E CAN PUT A MAN ON THE
 tou uieeakendMOON, BUT WE CAN'T BOMB
 TRANQUILITY: LEC attached.
 Surface is powdery. One more lutely am standing on the sur-
 pause.) I'm hypervnlating.talking to you from the god-
 HOUSTON: Everything okay,Hold on.
 r. (lang0ujSsriotinchskn bastA TINY ASIAN NATION INTO
 the ladder. Can see the Eath, TRANQUILITY: I'm on the bot- THANQUILITY Holy mother
 THE STONE AGE?
A newspaper from July 21st, 1969

A newspaper from July 21st, 1969