🔥 | Latest

Skip: Call FaceTime Add Contact Text Message I'm David. Your contact last month has "W O N'! Go to http://winyourxmas.com? FAJJHAKKFG and try - 6426 Wut? I don't know who this is? David? From like 2nd grade?! Dude I haven't talked to you in forever! Holy shit man! How have you been?! heard you got married to Karen. Dude, that's awesome. I'll admit it was a little weird for me when you two started dating given our history, but I'm so stoked for you. I mean, she was like my girlfriend for 9 years and we were engaged. Then you knowI lost my job because of my drinking problem.. And then lost our house because of my cocaine problem... And then there's the fact I started beating her senseless because I was lashing out and she was the always the closet thing around that made me feel better when I hit it... lol does she still walk with that limp after I pushed her down the stairs? God, memories man, ya know? Actually don't tell her I said that. She probably won't think it's funny. She doesn't really talk to me anymore. How did her reconstructive jaw surgery go? At least is made her fat ass skinny because she had to eat through a straw right?! lolll you owe me a beer for that one dude. I still have a lot of her stuff actually. She got that restraining order against me so I didn't know what to do with it so it's just in a box sitting in the middle of my barren living room. Sometimes when I pick up a bottle and skip out on my AA meetings I just sit here and stare at it. It's actually making me kinda sad right now. No one could burn a TV dinner or take a hit like her you know? Damn, I shouldn't have looked inside this box. All this stuff and memories. I want her back David. Dude, stop. Then don't text me this stupid contest shit asshole. OText Message Send QWERTYUIO P ASD F GH JKL ZX CVBNM 123 return space Me irl
Skip: Call
 FaceTime
 Add Contact
 Text Message
 I'm David. Your contact
 last month has "W O N'!
 Go to
 http://winyourxmas.com?
 FAJJHAKKFG and try -
 6426
 Wut?
 I don't know who this is?
 David? From like 2nd
 grade?!
 Dude I haven't talked to
 you in forever! Holy shit
 man!
 How have you been?!
 heard you got married to
 Karen. Dude, that's
 awesome.
 I'll admit it was a little
 weird for me when you
 two started dating given
 our history, but I'm so
 stoked for you.
 I mean, she was like my
 girlfriend for 9 years and
 we were engaged.
 Then you knowI lost my
 job because of my
 drinking problem..
 And then lost our house
 because of my cocaine
 problem...
 And then there's the fact I
 started beating her
 senseless because I was
 lashing out and she was
 the always the closet thing
 around that made me feel
 better when I hit it...
 lol does she still walk with
 that limp after I pushed her
 down the stairs?
 God, memories man, ya
 know?
 Actually don't tell her I
 said that. She probably
 won't think it's funny. She
 doesn't really talk to me
 anymore. How did her
 reconstructive jaw surgery
 go?
 At least is made her fat
 ass skinny because she
 had to eat through a straw
 right?! lolll you owe me a
 beer for that one dude.
 I still have a lot of her stuff
 actually.
 She got that restraining
 order against me so I
 didn't know what to do
 with it so it's just in a box
 sitting in the middle of my
 barren living room.
 Sometimes when I pick up
 a bottle and skip out on
 my AA meetings I just sit
 here and stare at it.
 It's actually making me
 kinda sad right now. No
 one could burn a TV
 dinner or take a hit like her
 you know?
 Damn, I shouldn't have
 looked inside this box. All
 this stuff and memories.
 I want her back David.
 Dude, stop.
 Then don't text me this
 stupid contest shit
 asshole.
 OText Message
 Send
 QWERTYUIO P
 ASD F GH JKL
 ZX CVBNM
 123
 return
 space
Me irl

Me irl

Skip: theguilteaparty So my mom told me a story... Growing up, my mom and her siblings would make banana bread every week. Literally every week since the first one of them learned how to make it, they started making banana bread- lo and behold though, they liked it with walnuts and they all knew their dad hated walnuts. So they made a special loaf of banana bread just for him every week, just for him to eat. Nobody else was allowed to eat it because that was his banana bread, baked especially for him. So anyways, they did this once a week from middle school up until every last one of them moved out of the house (and considering there was at least 10 years difference from the oldest to the youngest, this was quite some time). So that's like... 16 years of weekly banana bread. And he always finished it. He, without fail, ate the whole loaf of bread by himself. That's approximately 835 loaves of banana bread. Now Skip ahead a few years... and they're all visiting and baking banana bread and they start making a dad's bread and their mom comes in, "I don't think he can handle eating one more slice of banana bread!" "What are you talking about? He loves banana bread! He had it all the time!" This is when my grandma, their mom, broke the news that my grandfather loathed banana bread with every fiber of his being. He just adored that his kids loved him enough to make him a special loaf of banana bread every week (and he didn't have the heart to tell them that he couldn't stand banana bread) and he was incredibly, utterly upset that my grandma told the kids his big secret. My grandfather was a loving, patient, gentle man who absolutely hated banana bread but loved his kids so much more and I just wanted to share that with you guys. I think this story is just about the perfect example of the kind of person he was. Dad and the Banana Bread
Skip: theguilteaparty
 So my mom told me a story...
 Growing up, my mom and her siblings would
 make banana bread every week.
 Literally every week since the first one of them
 learned how to make it, they started making
 banana bread- lo and behold though, they liked
 it with walnuts and they all knew their dad
 hated walnuts.
 So they made a special loaf of banana bread
 just for him every week, just for him to eat.
 Nobody else was allowed to eat it because that
 was his banana bread, baked especially for
 him.
 So anyways, they did this once a week from
 middle school up until every last one of them
 moved out of the house (and considering there
 was at least 10 years difference from the oldest
 to the youngest, this was quite some time). So
 that's like... 16 years of weekly banana bread.
 And he always finished it. He, without fail, ate
 the whole loaf of bread by himself.
 That's approximately 835 loaves of banana
 bread.
 Now
 Skip ahead a few years...
 and they're all visiting and baking banana bread
 and they start making a dad's bread and their
 mom comes in, "I don't think he can handle
 eating one more slice of banana bread!"
 "What are you talking about? He loves banana
 bread! He had it all the time!"
 This is when my grandma, their mom, broke the
 news that my grandfather loathed banana
 bread with every fiber of his being. He just
 adored that his kids loved him enough to make
 him a special loaf of banana bread every week
 (and he didn't have the heart to tell them that
 he couldn't stand banana bread) and he was
 incredibly, utterly upset that my grandma told
 the kids his big secret.
 My grandfather was a loving, patient, gentle
 man who absolutely hated banana bread but
 loved his kids so much more and I just wanted
 to share that with you guys. I think this story is
 just about the perfect example of the kind of
 person he was.
Dad and the Banana Bread

Dad and the Banana Bread

Skip: Autumn Today 11 38 AM Sorry, I'm not really looking for a relationship, but I saw your name and really wanted to use this pickup line. You can call me Winter because I wont come until Autumn is finished. Alright, you can unmatch me now. LOL thanks for that The pleasure is all mine... well, I guess that pickup line says the opposite, but you get the general idea As long as it at least made you're day little better too, it was worth it Do you mind if l post it on Facebook? I'll crop your name & pic It was rly that impressive Yeah, that's fine. Word My Tinder game definitely peaked there. It was by far the best pickup line AND autumn joke I've ever heard My friend commented "ironic bc Washington just completely skipped autumn this year" Imfao I said "yeah story of my fuckin life" I'll make it up next and we can skip me until you ee come twice. Damn look at you You're on a roll What can I say, you bring out the colors in me Autumn Oh my god I'd rather you bring them out in me Well, there's a chance Autumn might come early for next year. I think that's all I got. I've heard the anticipation is the best part though Anymore and I wouldn't want you to fall for me. Hey now get too cocky here, I just like pickup lines I had to switch to "fall" for that one. Feel like an idiot That was too clever even for me It's alright, I'll leaf quietly I'm in disbeleaf Damn I can't think of anything else I'm trying Well, this went better than I thought it would actually. I thought you would have autumnatically unmatched me. АННН LMAO Don't trees me like that Whew, what a re-leaf There's no season for you to be acting this way Yeah, I'm burnt out. "autumnatically That was a pretty damn good one This has probably been greatest match I've ever gotten. I gotta say, I agree Mind if I post this on the internet for internet points? Do it, I did If I could send you screenshots of people's reactions I totally would (Update) It’s that time of year
Skip: Autumn
 Today 11 38 AM
 Sorry, I'm not really looking for a relationship, but
 I saw your name and really wanted to use this
 pickup line.
 You can call me Winter because I wont come until
 Autumn is finished.
 Alright, you can unmatch me now.
 LOL thanks for that
 The pleasure is all mine... well, I guess that pickup
 line says the opposite, but you get the general
 idea
 As long as it at least made you're day little better
 too, it was worth it
 Do you mind if l post it on Facebook? I'll crop
 your name & pic
 It was rly that impressive
 Yeah, that's fine.
 Word
 My Tinder game definitely peaked there.
 It was by far the best pickup line AND autumn
 joke I've ever heard
 My friend commented "ironic bc Washington just
 completely skipped autumn this year" Imfao
 I said "yeah story of my fuckin life"
 I'll make it up next and we can skip me until you
 ee
 come twice.
 Damn look at you
 You're on a roll
 What can I say, you bring out the colors in me
 Autumn
 Oh my god
 I'd rather you bring them out in me
 Well, there's a chance Autumn might come early
 for next year.
 I think that's all I got.
 I've heard the anticipation is the best part though
 Anymore and I wouldn't want you to fall for me.
 Hey now get too cocky here, I just like pickup
 lines
 I had to switch to "fall" for that one.
 Feel like an idiot
 That was too clever even for me
 It's alright, I'll leaf quietly
 I'm in disbeleaf
 Damn I can't think of anything else
 I'm trying
 Well, this went better than I thought it would
 actually. I thought you would have autumnatically
 unmatched me.
 АННН LMAO
 Don't trees me like that
 Whew, what a re-leaf
 There's no season for you to be acting this way
 Yeah, I'm burnt out.
 "autumnatically
 That was a pretty damn good one
 This has probably been greatest match I've ever
 gotten.
 I gotta say, I agree
 Mind if I post this on the internet for internet
 points?
 Do it, I did
 If I could send you screenshots of people's
 reactions I totally would
(Update) It’s that time of year

(Update) It’s that time of year