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Bad, Bitch, and Chihuahua: Highlights Always willing to make a rain Laughs at medioore jokers . I play s different instrument . Turned my recorder into a fully functional obacco po Very optimistic when hungover Friendship bracelets Can drive a stick shift I got bars Iget along with overy dog rve met and at a 73% oftro people rve moc. * Downsides Will be late nearly every day with iterally no excuse Will spook the customers with I have ADHD, but don't worry, I buy other peoples adderall Allergic to mushrooms (still willing to trip them) .I have been the cause of 13 car accidents (that I know ofy . Kind of bad at doing accents, usually just comes off as disrespecttuil Contributions Inventor Sauce Boss . A safe space and secure area for your sauces in the car. For a spill and worry free drive home . Part the Red Sea .The thick, untamed, poofy, distressed mane usually accompanied by a Mo Moses Tampons Coined the phrase "jean skirt hair mon in a floor length jean skirt Coined the term *Escobars When someone snorts a mix of cocaine and Xanax .Not recommended Education Bradford Elementary School Made it to round 1 of the 6th grade spelling bee Mullen High School 2008-2012 . Graduated 1st place in worst attendance in class of 2012 . Dia though Had an impact on the student handbook because I rode a donkey to schook of Northem Colorado 2012-201 Survived Greeley Majored in like 7 different things so I'm well rounded University of the Virgin Isiands 2015-2017 Majored in Political Science and English- Creative Whiting School blew away in Hurricane Irma School cut major Jobs I Didnt Quit In Less Than 3 Weeks Or Get Fired From Colorado Saddlery 2012-Present I make everyone feel good about themselves in the company because I ne ver know what's going on there They don't pay me anymore but I still show up from time to time . Laboniously diverse in that bitch . I programmed their Alexa to play the world's national anthems at noon ever y day - They pretty much can't fire me thered e Intenship in Haiti 2016 Partially fluent in Haitian Creole, which I speak in when dicey fools speak to me at the bar and I want them to leave 4ever Spent about a year total in Hait I had Zika, so don't worry, I won't be having children any time soono Harley Davidson-St. Thomas . I folded shits, talked to drunk people, then I sold said shits to said drunk p eople I'm very impressive at folding shirts Reason(s) I Dipped: I wanted to get off the islandl over Christmas I kept accidentally throwing piles of clothes onto the owner's chihuahua a d I felt really guilty about ito They said I quit better than any other employee they've had, that was co sort of Local Color Clothing Boutique More folding, but the clothes were more expensive) Some girl just dropped this resume off at my work
Bad, Bitch, and Chihuahua: Highlights
 Always willing to make a rain
 Laughs at medioore jokers
 . I play s different instrument
 . Turned my recorder into a fully functional obacco po
 Very optimistic when hungover
 Friendship bracelets
 Can drive a stick shift
 I got bars
 Iget along with overy dog rve met and at a 73% oftro people rve moc.
 *
 Downsides
 Will be late nearly every day with iterally no excuse
 Will spook the customers with
 I have ADHD, but don't worry, I buy other peoples adderall
 Allergic to mushrooms (still willing to trip them)
 .I have been the cause of 13 car accidents (that I know ofy
 . Kind of bad at doing accents, usually just comes off as disrespecttuil
 Contributions
 Inventor
 Sauce Boss
 . A safe space and secure area for your sauces in the car.
 For a spill and worry free drive home
 . Part the Red Sea
 .The thick, untamed, poofy, distressed mane usually accompanied by a Mo
 Moses Tampons
 Coined the phrase "jean skirt hair
 mon in a floor length jean skirt
 Coined the term *Escobars
 When someone snorts a mix of cocaine and Xanax
 .Not recommended
 Education
 Bradford Elementary School
 Made it to round 1 of the 6th grade spelling bee
 Mullen High School 2008-2012
 .
 Graduated 1st place in worst attendance in class of 2012
 .

 Dia
 though
 Had an impact on the student handbook because I rode a donkey to schook
 of Northem Colorado 2012-201
 Survived Greeley
 Majored in like 7 different things so I'm well rounded
 University of the Virgin Isiands 2015-2017
 Majored in Political Science and English- Creative Whiting
 School blew away in Hurricane Irma
 School cut major
 Jobs I Didnt Quit In Less Than 3 Weeks Or Get Fired From
 Colorado Saddlery 2012-Present
 I make everyone feel good about themselves in the company because I ne
 ver know what's going on there
 They don't pay me anymore but I still show up from time to time
 . Laboniously diverse in that bitch
 . I programmed their Alexa to play the world's national anthems at noon ever
 y day
 - They pretty much can't fire me thered
 e Intenship in Haiti 2016
 Partially fluent in Haitian Creole, which I speak in when dicey fools speak to
 me at the bar and I want them to leave 4ever
 Spent about a year total in Hait
 I had Zika, so don't worry, I won't be having children any time soono
 Harley Davidson-St. Thomas
 . I folded shits, talked to drunk people, then I sold said shits to said drunk p
 eople
 I'm very impressive at folding shirts
 Reason(s) I Dipped:
 I wanted to get off the islandl over Christmas
 I kept accidentally throwing piles of clothes onto the owner's chihuahua a
 d I felt really guilty about ito
 They said I quit better than any other employee they've had, that was co
 sort of
 Local Color Clothing Boutique
 More folding, but the clothes were more expensive)
Some girl just dropped this resume off at my work

Some girl just dropped this resume off at my work

Bad, Family, and Phone: 2 When my grandfather was young he owned a roadside motel, and my mother used to do work around the motel for the family. The building was old and they had bad pipes, so visits from the plumber were a fairly regular occurrence over there At one point they had a clogged toilet after a guest checked out, so they called the plumber to come and clean it out. The plumber came in with his bag of gear and set to work, but the clog was stubborn After a few tries, he decided he needed to get the snake I don't know if you've ever seen a serious plumbing snake, but the big ones are a sight to behold. This isn't a little crank auger, it's a full-on electrical powered snake with a big motor on the back and a little grabby claw on the end So he fires up the snake and sends the metal coil down into the pipes with the claw closed, figuring whatever's down there he'll just bump it a bit, push it down the pipes until it clears - but this doesn't happen either. Finally, in frustration, he twists the control to open the mechanical claw at the end of the coil, closes it on something, throws the motor in reverse and starts to pull it back up By now a couple of members of the staff have gathered in the room to try and tigure out what the hell got flushed down the toilet that this giant machine couldn't remove. The motor is really straining you know that sound an electric motor makes when it's working really hard? The whole machine is struggling to pull whatever this is back up through the pipes and into the roonm Finally, after an extended wait, the object is slowly dragged, sopping wet, out of the toilet bowl - and it's a shower curtain, The staff is dumbfounded. They're trying to figure out how this could have happened. It would be weird enough if the guest had ripped the shower curtain down and flushed it down the toilet, but the shower curtain in the room is still there. It would be even weirder if the guest had brought their own shower curtain to the motel and tried to flush it down the toilet, but it's clearly one of their shower curtains. Did they try and steal the shower curtain, leave with it, then feel guilty and come back only to find that the shower curtain had already been replaced, and then flush the shower curtain down the toilet to hide the evidence? While they're discussing this, the room phone rings The person on the other end is screaming, hysterical, so it takes a few minutes for them to figure out that it's the housekeeper who was cleaning the rooms. After a few moments, the manage to get the story out of her: The snake had missed the clog entirely. Rather than spiraling down into the plumbing where it was intended to go, it had wound its way into the central line, and then back up the pipes in the room next door. It spiraled its way up, out the toilet bowl, and then started flailing wildly around the next-door bathroom like a Lovecraftian nightmare made of steel, knocking things off of shelves and clattering furiously around the room. Then, while the hapless housekeeper watched in horror, a metal claw opened on the end of it and snagged the shower curtain, ripped it off the bar ring-by-ring, spun it around the room until it was coiled tightly around the cable, and dragged it back down into the toilet bowl The actual clog was never found 10980 Because a shower curtain would really go through the pipes like that
Bad, Family, and Phone: 2
 When my grandfather was young he owned a
 roadside motel, and my mother used to do work
 around the motel for the family. The building was old
 and they had bad pipes, so visits from the plumber
 were a fairly regular occurrence over there
 At one point they had a clogged toilet after a guest
 checked out, so they called the plumber to come
 and clean it out. The plumber came in with his bag
 of gear and set to work, but the clog was stubborn
 After a few tries, he decided he needed to get the
 snake
 I don't know if you've ever seen a serious plumbing
 snake, but the big ones are a sight to behold. This
 isn't a little crank auger, it's a full-on electrical
 powered snake with a big motor on the back and a
 little grabby claw on the end
 So he fires up the snake and sends the metal coil
 down into the pipes with the claw closed, figuring
 whatever's down there he'll just bump it a bit, push it
 down the pipes until it clears - but this doesn't
 happen either. Finally, in frustration, he twists the
 control to open the mechanical claw at the end of
 the coil, closes it on something, throws the motor in
 reverse and starts to pull it back up

 By now a couple of members of the staff have
 gathered in the room to try and tigure out what the
 hell got flushed down the toilet that this giant
 machine couldn't remove. The motor is really
 straining you know that sound an electric motor
 makes when it's working really hard? The whole
 machine is struggling to pull whatever this is back
 up through the pipes and into the roonm
 Finally, after an extended wait, the object is slowly
 dragged, sopping wet, out of the toilet bowl - and it's
 a shower curtain,
 The staff is dumbfounded. They're trying to figure
 out how this could have happened. It would be
 weird enough if the guest had ripped the shower
 curtain down and flushed it down the toilet, but the
 shower curtain in the room is still there. It would be
 even weirder if the guest had brought their own
 shower curtain to the motel and tried to flush it down
 the toilet, but it's clearly one of their shower curtains.
 Did they try and steal the shower curtain, leave with
 it, then feel guilty and come back only to find that
 the shower curtain had already been replaced, and
 then flush the shower curtain down the toilet to hide
 the evidence?

 While they're discussing this, the room phone rings
 The person on the other end is screaming,
 hysterical, so it takes a few minutes for them to
 figure out that it's the housekeeper who was
 cleaning the rooms. After a few moments, the
 manage to get the story out of her:
 The snake had missed the clog entirely. Rather than
 spiraling down into the plumbing where it was
 intended to go, it had wound its way into the central
 line, and then back up the pipes in the room next
 door. It spiraled its way up, out the toilet bowl, and
 then started flailing wildly around the next-door
 bathroom like a Lovecraftian nightmare made of
 steel, knocking things off of shelves and clattering
 furiously around the room. Then, while the hapless
 housekeeper watched in horror, a metal claw
 opened on the end of it and snagged the shower
 curtain, ripped it off the bar ring-by-ring, spun it
 around the room until it was coiled tightly around the
 cable, and dragged it back down into the toilet bowl
 The actual clog was never found
 10980
Because a shower curtain would really go through the pipes like that

Because a shower curtain would really go through the pipes like that