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Ass, Fucking, and Head: Ihad to read this at work today and it's the funniest thing ever theblessedone TO ALL EMPLOYEES t has been brought to the management's attention that some individuals have been using foul language in the course of normal conversation between employees. Due to complaints from some of the easily cffended workers, this conduct will no longer be tolerated The management does, however, realise the importance of each person being able to properly express their feelings when communicating with their fellow employees. Therefore, the management has compiled the following code phrases so that the proper exchange of ideas and information can continue. NEW PHRASE OLD PHRASE I'm not certain that's feasible Really Perhaps you should check with <name> Of course I'm concerned. I wasn't involved in that project No fucking way.. You've got to be shitting me.. Tell someone who gives a fuck Ask me if I give a fuck it's not my fucking problem. What the fuck?.. Fuck it, it won't work. Why the fuck didn't you tell me that s0oner? When the fuck do you expect me to do this? Who the fuck cares?. Interesting behaviour I'm not sure I can implement this. P'l try to schedule that Perhaps I can work late. Are you sure it's a problem? He's not familiar with the problem. You don't say. Excuse me? Excuse me, <sir or ma'am>? They weren't happy with it? He's got his head up his ass Eat shit.. Eat shit and die Eat shit and die, motherfucker... What the fuck do they want from my Efe?. Kiss my ass.. Fuck it, I'm on salary So you'd like my help with that?
Ass, Fucking, and Head: Ihad to read this at work today and it's
 the funniest thing ever
 theblessedone
 TO ALL EMPLOYEES
 t has been brought to the management's attention that some individuals have been using foul language in
 the course of normal conversation between employees. Due to complaints from some of the easily
 cffended workers, this conduct will no longer be tolerated
 The management does, however, realise the importance of each person being able to properly express
 their feelings when communicating with their fellow employees. Therefore, the management has compiled
 the following code phrases so that the proper exchange of ideas and information can continue.
 NEW PHRASE
 OLD PHRASE
 I'm not certain that's feasible
 Really
 Perhaps you should check with <name>
 Of course I'm concerned.
 I wasn't involved in that project
 No fucking way..
 You've got to be shitting me..
 Tell someone who gives a fuck
 Ask me if I give a fuck
 it's not my fucking problem.
 What the fuck?..
 Fuck it, it won't work.
 Why the fuck didn't you tell me that s0oner?
 When the fuck do you expect me to do this?
 Who the fuck cares?.
 Interesting behaviour
 I'm not sure I can implement this.
 P'l try to schedule that
 Perhaps I can work late.
 Are you sure it's a problem?
 He's not familiar with the problem.
 You don't say.
 Excuse me?
 Excuse me, <sir or ma'am>?
 They weren't happy with it?
 He's got his head up his ass
 Eat shit..
 Eat shit and die
 Eat shit and die, motherfucker...
 What the fuck do they want from my Efe?.
 Kiss my ass..
 Fuck it, I'm on salary
 So you'd like my help with that?
Tumblr, Twitch, and Blog: kyleraynxr: twitch-eaglehart: Imagine doing this in front of a 14th century peasant this is literally the funniest comment this video could have
Tumblr, Twitch, and Blog: kyleraynxr:
twitch-eaglehart:
Imagine doing this in front of a 14th century peasant

this is literally the funniest comment this video could have

kyleraynxr: twitch-eaglehart: Imagine doing this in front of a 14th century peasant this is literally the funniest comment this video could...

Butt, Dad, and Disney: huffylemon in 7th grade i went to the see a movie with a boy and in the middle of it he was like "do you wanna kiss" and i was like "excuse me" and he pulled a bag of hershey's kisses out of his coat DO YOU REALIZE WHAT A GOOD BACKUP PLAN THAT IS kidswithhats: story time!!! so in biology, this kid kept looking at his crotch and moving his hands back and forth, and we were all wondering what he was doing and the teacher saw and told him to show her what he was doing and hE WAS FUCKING CROCHETING UNDER HIS JACKET OMG. HE HAD A BALL OF YARN ABOUT THE SIZE OF HIS HEAD AND A SCARF ABOUT 3/4 OF HIS HEIGHT Just slow clap it out. carry-on-my-wayward-butt: i just remembered how in middle school a bunch of boys would go around and tickle girl's chins and shout "BALLS ON UR CHIN" and this guy i knew did it to this tiny quiet unassuming girl and like at the speed of fuckin light she grabbed his arm and headbutted him directly in the nose and he passed the fuck out methlabrador wTF MY 7 YEAR OLD SISTER JUST CAME INTO MY ROOM AND GESTURED FOR ME TO FOLLOW HER AND DIDNT SAY ANYTHING SO I DID AND SHE LEAD ME INTO THE BACKYARD AND SHE SAID "IM GOING TO SHOW YOU MY SECRET" AND I WAS LIKE "WHAT OK" AND SHE TOOK THE LID OFF HER PORTABLE SANDBOX AND IT WAS FILLED WITH WATER AND LIKE THOUSANDS OF TINY BABY TADPOLES SWIMMING AROUND AND I WAS LIKE WHAT WHERE DID YOU GET THESE AND SHE SAID "iM RAISING THEM" starxapple: starxapple my grandpa has a date tonight and hes really old and in a wheelchair and has to drag around this breathing machine but hes just sitting there waiting for the hospice shuttle to take him to pick up his date and he looks SUPER EXCITED and its the cutest thing ive ever seen update he came home and i asked him how it went and he said, "i should have taken an extra tank of oxygen because she took my BREATH AWAY" blastortoise: I think the funniest thing that's ever happened to me during a sexual situation was when I was giving my first boyfriend a blow job and he was like "yeah take it all choke on it" and i was already at the base of his dick and it wasn't anywhere near the back of my throat and I like snorted from laughing, I guess he took at as me "choking" and he came and was like "fuuuck that's so sexy" and I just came up like iquanamouth: last year one night me and my old roommates were all playing twister and mike was on the spinner and halfway through the game he kind of mumbled to himself "i sure hope im calling these right" and then everyone in the room simultaneously remembered that mike was colorblind missmella You guys I'm in Disney World and this afternoon my blood sugar dropped so low I got separated from my family and somehow bought an ice cream and then blacked out and woke up on a bench with chocolate sauce all over my arms and Mickey Mouse putting a cold towel on my head this truly is a magical place. horsesforfraublucher thedevilstongue: olivialaurel My dad and I were in a hotel and he tried the coffee and smiled and said "ahh, it's like making love in a canoe." and I said, "it's that good?" and he stopped smiling and looked me in the eye and said, "no, it's fucking close to water" before pouring it down the drain really dramatically and walking away Oh my GOD Extreme dad jokes. brOlan: my coworker just told me about a kid he knew in second grade that was really allergic to peanuts but one day during lunch he said that he couldn't take it anymore and wanted to know what reeses taste like so he pulled out his epipen, ate the reese cup then stabbed himself with the epipen and told the teacher to call the hospital and that kid is the most hardcore kid I've ever heard of I wanna be his friend Source:huffylemon 851.373 notes Here is a collection of classic tumblr posts, including a couple I've never seen before
Butt, Dad, and Disney: huffylemon
 in 7th grade i went to the see a
 movie with a boy and in the
 middle of it he was like "do you
 wanna kiss" and i was like
 "excuse me" and he pulled a bag
 of hershey's kisses out of his coat
 DO YOU REALIZE WHAT A GOOD
 BACKUP PLAN THAT IS
 kidswithhats:
 story time!!!
 so in biology, this kid kept looking
 at his crotch and moving his
 hands back and forth, and we
 were all wondering what he was
 doing and the teacher saw and
 told him to show her what he was
 doing and hE WAS FUCKING
 CROCHETING UNDER HIS
 JACKET OMG. HE HAD A BALL
 OF YARN ABOUT THE SIZE OF
 HIS HEAD AND A SCARF ABOUT
 3/4 OF HIS HEIGHT
 Just slow clap it out.
 carry-on-my-wayward-butt:
 i just remembered how in middle
 school a bunch of boys would go
 around and tickle girl's chins and
 shout "BALLS ON UR CHIN" and this
 guy i knew did it to this tiny quiet
 unassuming girl and like at the speed
 of fuckin light she grabbed his arm
 and headbutted him directly in the
 nose and he passed the fuck out
 methlabrador
 wTF MY 7 YEAR OLD SISTER JUST
 CAME INTO MY ROOM AND
 GESTURED FOR ME TO FOLLOW
 HER AND DIDNT SAY ANYTHING
 SO I DID AND SHE LEAD ME INTO
 THE BACKYARD AND SHE SAID "IM
 GOING TO SHOW YOU MY
 SECRET" AND I WAS LIKE "WHAT
 OK" AND SHE TOOK THE LID OFF
 HER PORTABLE SANDBOX AND IT
 WAS FILLED WITH WATER AND
 LIKE THOUSANDS OF TINY BABY
 TADPOLES SWIMMING AROUND
 AND I WAS LIKE WHAT WHERE DID
 YOU GET THESE AND SHE SAID
 "iM RAISING THEM"
 starxapple:
 starxapple
 my grandpa has a date tonight
 and hes really old and in a
 wheelchair and has to drag
 around this breathing machine
 but hes just sitting there waiting
 for the hospice shuttle to take
 him to pick up his date and he
 looks SUPER EXCITED and its
 the cutest thing ive ever seen
 update he came home and i asked
 him how it went and he said, "i
 should have taken an extra tank of
 oxygen because she took my
 BREATH AWAY"
 blastortoise:
 I think the funniest thing that's ever
 happened to me during a sexual
 situation was when I was giving my
 first boyfriend a blow job and he was
 like "yeah take it all choke on it" and
 i was already at the base of his dick
 and it wasn't anywhere near the back
 of my throat and I like snorted from
 laughing, I guess he took at as me
 "choking" and he came and was like
 "fuuuck that's so sexy" and I just
 came up like
 iquanamouth:
 last year one night me and my old
 roommates were all playing twister
 and mike was on the spinner and
 halfway through the game he kind of
 mumbled to himself "i sure hope im
 calling these right" and then everyone
 in the room simultaneously
 remembered that mike was colorblind
 missmella
 You guys I'm in Disney World and
 this afternoon my blood sugar
 dropped so low I got separated from
 my family and somehow bought an
 ice cream and then blacked out and
 woke up on a bench with chocolate
 sauce all over my arms and Mickey
 Mouse putting a cold towel on my
 head this truly is a magical place.
 horsesforfraublucher
 thedevilstongue:
 olivialaurel
 My dad and I were in a hotel and
 he tried the coffee and smiled
 and said "ahh, it's like making
 love in a canoe." and I said, "it's
 that good?" and he stopped
 smiling and looked me in the
 eye and said, "no, it's fucking
 close to water" before pouring it
 down the drain really
 dramatically and walking away
 Oh my GOD
 Extreme dad jokes.
 brOlan:
 my coworker just told me about a kid
 he knew in second grade that was
 really allergic to peanuts but one day
 during lunch he said that he couldn't
 take it anymore and wanted to know
 what reeses taste like so he pulled
 out his epipen, ate the reese cup then
 stabbed himself with the epipen and
 told the teacher to call the hospital
 and that kid is the most hardcore kid
 I've ever heard of I wanna be his
 friend
 Source:huffylemon
 851.373 notes
Here is a collection of classic tumblr posts, including a couple I've never seen before

Here is a collection of classic tumblr posts, including a couple I've never seen before

Christmas, Dad, and Drake: 0/0/1/1 [Return] [Catalog) [Bottom] [Update] [ Auto] File: Screenshot 2019-07-17 at (png (445 KB, 384x679) Anonymous 07/17/19(Wed)07:46:39 No.804863399 >Be me, several years ago. Was 14 at the time, going on 15. >Exchanging presents with some friends after Christmas Get a lava lamp from one female friend. >Thank her, think it's kinda cool. Take it home and turn it on. >It looks cool. >Thanks lamp. >But wait, there's more! >At the time I slept in the same room as my two older brothers. One was named Drake, He was the eldest out of all of us, and Ike, who was in the middle. >Obviously those are fake names, just thought you should know that. >Anyway, every night, Drake would turn off the lava lamp because he slept easier without it on. Get into a habit of letting him do it, and not turning it off myself. >thatwasamistake.avi >One night. He forgets to turn it off. And I do too. YEP wake up at 2 in the morning, my back feels hot >Being a sleepy moron don't place anything together until I think I smell smoke. >To this day, this part was the scariest moment. It took about a minute straight of sitting up and screaming FIRE! FIRE!' like a parrot before my brother Ike lifted his head off the pillow to tell me to shut the fuck up. >Regain my composure, the closest way to describe it was that I 'Helecoptered' out of bed. Next moment I was looking at a growing blue leak on my bed, and an overturned lava lamp. >the base had melted, and it fell over, and, uh, the top came off and the boiling wax and oil got on my back. >I breathe calmly and look at my brother and say "I'm going to go to upstairs and take a shower, then have dad take me to the hospital." I turn to leave >"W-wait!" says Ike What? >I need to use the toilette first. >Drake runs across the room and slaps him. Bro. Anyway, that's what happened. Afterwards, I had Dad drive me to the ER and I was treated for 2nd and 1st-degree burns, always tell this story because people find it funny. But, to me, the funniest part was when I realized was that if I had been sleeping in my stomach, IE my chest being burnt by lava, I wouldn't have any nipples Pic related Anon get attacked by a lava lamp
Christmas, Dad, and Drake: 0/0/1/1
 [Return] [Catalog) [Bottom] [Update] [ Auto]
 File: Screenshot 2019-07-17 at (png (445 KB, 384x679)
 Anonymous 07/17/19(Wed)07:46:39 No.804863399
 >Be me, several years ago. Was 14 at the time, going on 15.
 >Exchanging presents with some friends after Christmas
 Get a lava lamp from one female friend.
 >Thank her, think it's kinda cool.
 Take it home and turn it on.
 >It looks cool.
 >Thanks lamp.
 >But wait, there's more!
 >At the time I slept in the same room as my two older brothers. One was named Drake, He was the eldest out of all of us, and Ike, who was in the
 middle.
 >Obviously those are fake names, just thought you should know that.
 >Anyway, every night, Drake would turn off the lava lamp because he slept easier without it on.
 Get into a habit of letting him do it, and not turning it off myself.
 >thatwasamistake.avi
 >One night. He forgets to turn it off. And I do too.
 YEP
 wake up at 2 in the morning, my back feels hot
 >Being a sleepy moron don't place anything together until I think I smell smoke.
 >To this day, this part was the scariest moment. It took about a minute straight of sitting up and screaming FIRE! FIRE!' like a parrot before my brother Ike lifted his head off
 the pillow to tell me to shut the fuck up.
 >Regain my composure, the closest way to describe it was that I 'Helecoptered' out of bed. Next moment I was looking at a growing blue leak on my bed, and an overturned
 lava lamp.
 >the base had melted, and it fell over, and, uh, the top came off and the boiling wax and oil got on my back.
 >I breathe calmly and look at my brother and say "I'm going to go to upstairs and take a shower, then have dad take me to the hospital."
 I turn to leave
 >"W-wait!" says Ike
 What?
 >I need to use the toilette first.
 >Drake runs across the room and slaps him.
 Bro.
 Anyway, that's what happened. Afterwards, I had Dad drive me to the ER and I was treated for 2nd and 1st-degree burns, always tell this story because people find it funny.
 But, to me, the funniest part was when I realized was that if I had been sleeping in my stomach, IE my chest being burnt by lava, I wouldn't have any nipples
 Pic related
Anon get attacked by a lava lamp

Anon get attacked by a lava lamp