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    Candy, Christmas, and Gif: AT&T LTE
 10:40 AM
 e
 * 67%.
 Amelia
 YOU MATCHED WITH AMELIA ON 6/23/18
 A lost duck is walking through the
 forest. Which way does he go?
 To the left
 The duck waddles along and ends up
 by a lake. Farther along the shore is a
 bridge he can cross to get to the other
 side. Should the duck swim across the
 lake or go towards the bridge?
 Bridge
 Also... why is there a Christmas tree
 outside
 With night approaching the duck
 crosses the bridge. Smart decision as
 alligators are seen hiding in the lake
 The duck has a weird feeling there
 might have been treasure under the
 Christmas tree he passed. "Too late"
 he says to himself. On the other side
 the duck finds an abandoned mining
 town. However, power is still running
 Should the duck investigate one of the
 houses or pass through the town
 towards the mountain?
 Sk
 Omg this is a risky choice but the duck
 should investigate the house
 The duck is hesitant but decides to
 investigate the house. He finds that
 the front door is unlocked and slowly
 opens it, searching for any danger. He
 finds nothing of danger but keeps his
 guard up. In the entry way is an old
 Christmas tree, a desk with a phone
 and two doors. Where should he go?
 The Christmas tree
 The duck investigates under the
 Christmas tree and finds some old
 presents. With no one living in the
 town he decides to open them. He
 finds a hat making him feel way
 cooler, and some candy that he
 decides to eat. "Man I'm cool" says
 the duck. Should the duck leave or
 continue to investigate the house?
 Continue to investigate
 The duck looks into the two doors and
 finds the rooms are empty. "They
 must've left in a hurry" he says. The
 duck waddles to the desk and
 searches it finding nothing but a torn
 note. On it is written "Amelia's
 number" but the rest of the note is
 gone. The duck wonders if he should
 try a random phone number or leave
 the house and head towards the
 mountain. What should he do?
 Sunday 9:58 PM
 Try a random phone number
 Yesterday 4:31 PM
 The duck wonders what Amelia's
 phone number could be. What number
 should he try?
 Sent
 Today 10:06 AM
 GIF
 Type a message
Apologies if its a repost. It madeth me laugh
    

        
        
        
        
        
        
        
        
    

    

        

            
            

                
                Candy, Christmas, and Gif: AT&T LTE
 10:40 AM
 e
 * 67%.
 Amelia
 YOU MATCHED WITH AMELIA ON 6/23/18
 A lost duck is walking through the
 forest. Which way does he go?
 To the left
 The duck waddles along and ends up
 by a lake. Farther along the shore is a
 bridge he can cross to get to the other
 side. Should the duck swim across the
 lake or go towards the bridge?
 Bridge
 Also... why is there a Christmas tree
 outside
 With night approaching the duck
 crosses the bridge. Smart decision as
 alligators are seen hiding in the lake
 The duck has a weird feeling there
 might have been treasure under the
 Christmas tree he passed. "Too late"
 he says to himself. On the other side
 the duck finds an abandoned mining
 town. However, power is still running
 Should the duck investigate one of the
 houses or pass through the town
 towards the mountain?
 Sk
 Omg this is a risky choice but the duck
 should investigate the house
 The duck is hesitant but decides to
 investigate the house. He finds that
 the front door is unlocked and slowly
 opens it, searching for any danger. He
 finds nothing of danger but keeps his
 guard up. In the entry way is an old
 Christmas tree, a desk with a phone
 and two doors. Where should he go?
 The Christmas tree
 The duck investigates under the
 Christmas tree and finds some old
 presents. With no one living in the
 town he decides to open them. He
 finds a hat making him feel way
 cooler, and some candy that he
 decides to eat. "Man I'm cool" says
 the duck. Should the duck leave or
 continue to investigate the house?
 Continue to investigate
 The duck looks into the two doors and
 finds the rooms are empty. "They
 must've left in a hurry" he says. The
 duck waddles to the desk and
 searches it finding nothing but a torn
 note. On it is written "Amelia's
 number" but the rest of the note is
 gone. The duck wonders if he should
 try a random phone number or leave
 the house and head towards the
 mountain. What should he do?
 Sunday 9:58 PM
 Try a random phone number
 Yesterday 4:31 PM
 The duck wonders what Amelia's
 phone number could be. What number
 should he try?
 Sent
 Today 10:06 AM
 GIF
 Type a message
Apologies if its a repost. It madeth me laugh
                
            

            
            
Apologies if its a repost. It madeth me laugh

            
            
        

    



        

            
        
        

            



        

            
        
        

            



        

            
        
        

            



        

            
        
        

            



        

            
        
        

            



        

            
        
        

            




    Tumblr, Blog, and French: greatwar-1914:

A battle-hardened French platoon proudly displays their torn flag.  
    

        
        
        
        
        
        
        
        
    

    

        

            
            

                
                Tumblr, Blog, and French: greatwar-1914:

A battle-hardened French platoon proudly displays their torn flag.  
                
            

            
            
greatwar-1914:

A battle-hardened French platoon proudly displays their torn flag.  

            
            
        

    



        

            
        
        

            



        

            
        
        

            



        

            
        
        

            



        

            
        
        

            



        

            
        
        

            



        

            
        
        

            



        

            
        
        

            




    God, Love, and Oh My God: What should your portfolio look like? A Handy image guide for all
 illustrated by Payface.
 DO
 - OVER SIZED
 BULKY, HEAVy
 DISORGANISED
 MESSY PAPERS
 + LIGHT, TRANSPORTABLE
 ORGrAMISED LABELS
 ANO TITLED
 NO LOoSE oR TORN
 PAPERS
 PORT RAT「
 LANDSCAPE
 Do TRy To kEEP THE CONTENT
 OF YouR FOUD THE SAME COMPOSITION
 IF THE INTERVIEWER HAS TO CONSTANT y
 ROTATE YouR FOLI0 To READ oR Look,
 IT WoNT Look GOOD
 DO NOT PUT
 IN EVERYTHING!
 ESPE CIALLY PIECES
 You ARE NOT
 PR Ovo 0F!
 drew thi) hen
 AND THIS WAS THE
 RESULT OF MY HARD
 ORK LAST MDNTH!
 DO SHOW AT LEAST
 10-20 PAGTES
 OF YOUR BEST
 WORK, As WELL AS
 SOME OF YDMR
 RouGrH AyOuTS AND
 CoNCEPTDEVELDY
 payface.tumblr.com
baixinha-su:

theblueatom:

payface:

areyoutryingtodeduceme:

payface:

putting this up, since my website project for university is finished and I don’t have to put it on the web anymore.
a very, very basic image guide on how your portfolio should be presented or appear, whether you’re in fine arts, graphic design or illustration, illustrated by yours truly
please do NOT remove the commentary while reblogging, do not reupload anywhere else.

OH MY GOD PAY, BLESS YOUR FACE.
I actually get asked to see a lot of portfolio’s while I’m at cons. And while I LOVE looking at other people’s art and offering critiques if they ask, it’s sort of cringe-y to be handed a messy stack of papers or something. Nice portfolio’s look so much more professional!

^ Unfortunately I know the feeling so many times.Reblogging for anyone who’s missed this! 

AHHH THANKS PAY


thank you!

    

        
        
        
        
        
        
        
        
    

    

        

            
            

                
                God, Love, and Oh My God: What should your portfolio look like? A Handy image guide for all
 illustrated by Payface.
 DO
 - OVER SIZED
 BULKY, HEAVy
 DISORGANISED
 MESSY PAPERS
 + LIGHT, TRANSPORTABLE
 ORGrAMISED LABELS
 ANO TITLED
 NO LOoSE oR TORN
 PAPERS
 PORT RAT「
 LANDSCAPE
 Do TRy To kEEP THE CONTENT
 OF YouR FOUD THE SAME COMPOSITION
 IF THE INTERVIEWER HAS TO CONSTANT y
 ROTATE YouR FOLI0 To READ oR Look,
 IT WoNT Look GOOD
 DO NOT PUT
 IN EVERYTHING!
 ESPE CIALLY PIECES
 You ARE NOT
 PR Ovo 0F!
 drew thi) hen
 AND THIS WAS THE
 RESULT OF MY HARD
 ORK LAST MDNTH!
 DO SHOW AT LEAST
 10-20 PAGTES
 OF YOUR BEST
 WORK, As WELL AS
 SOME OF YDMR
 RouGrH AyOuTS AND
 CoNCEPTDEVELDY
 payface.tumblr.com
baixinha-su:

theblueatom:

payface:

areyoutryingtodeduceme:

payface:

putting this up, since my website project for university is finished and I don’t have to put it on the web anymore.
a very, very basic image guide on how your portfolio should be presented or appear, whether you’re in fine arts, graphic design or illustration, illustrated by yours truly
please do NOT remove the commentary while reblogging, do not reupload anywhere else.

OH MY GOD PAY, BLESS YOUR FACE.
I actually get asked to see a lot of portfolio’s while I’m at cons. And while I LOVE looking at other people’s art and offering critiques if they ask, it’s sort of cringe-y to be handed a messy stack of papers or something. Nice portfolio’s look so much more professional!

^ Unfortunately I know the feeling so many times.Reblogging for anyone who’s missed this! 

AHHH THANKS PAY


thank you!

                
            

            
            
baixinha-su:

theblueatom:

payface:

areyoutryingtodeduceme:

payface:

putting this up, since my website project for university is finishe...

            
            
        

    



        

            
        
        

            



        

            
        
        

            



        

            
        
        

            



        

            
        
        

            




    80s, Ariana Grande, and Bad: This dog throwing a ball on the beach
 @DrSmashlove
A dear friend of mine who live in NYC was seriously dating a man from out of town. He planned to move to NYC and they planned to start a life together. He ended up calling it all off and it hurt her badly. I was texting with her and she said out of deep frustration “I HONESTLY JUST WANNA B LIKE ARIANA GRANDE THANK U NEXT BUT NOOO”. This really hurt my heart. Lemme splain y’all some. First, even Ariana ain’t like Ariana. I don’t know what Ariana was like as a child or what she like now. None of us do. Everything about her - from her music to her social media - is carefully crafted-curated by a team of dozens of people who make their living off of her. She has the fourth largest IG account with 136M followers. She don’t just walk into a bathroom bust a selfie and post it like y’all. She got a team of former Facebook-IG employees who analyze IG activity to the millisecond and post content that will guarantee growth and exposure of her account. And her music is cranked out by the same old balding men in creepy black nike caps, bad tans and tight jeans who managed Guns N Roses-Metallica in the 80s and now have decided that dressing a grown woman up as a lil girl with bows in her hair is the wave. Don’t ever get lost in the sauce. NOBODY’s heart is built like that. NOBODY invest they entire existence someone and then by the next day they like “thank u next”. That’s a tag line only someone with a sick heart (in a black nike baseball cap 😂) could devise. It’s not real. Love is a gift. Sometimes the world gets in the way. Don’t stop loving with all your heart. My friend said “What if I never meet anyone who makes me feel like that? Or worse, what if I can’t let myself feel like that with someone who deserves it bc he fvcked up my sense of trust so bad?” Well bish that’s how the heart works lol! That’s how u feel when u in love and it get torn apart! U feel like maybe u never gon be in love again! Nah. A merciful God ain’t build us like that and God is indeed merciful. Give it time. U will love again and realize that ya ex was a whole trash can. It take time to heal but it will happen. Don’t hold yourself to someone else’s timeline! Ever! Love y’all. Bless up ❀
    

        
        
        
        
        
        
        
        
    

    

        

            
            

                
                80s, Ariana Grande, and Bad: This dog throwing a ball on the beach
 @DrSmashlove
A dear friend of mine who live in NYC was seriously dating a man from out of town. He planned to move to NYC and they planned to start a life together. He ended up calling it all off and it hurt her badly. I was texting with her and she said out of deep frustration “I HONESTLY JUST WANNA B LIKE ARIANA GRANDE THANK U NEXT BUT NOOO”. This really hurt my heart. Lemme splain y’all some. First, even Ariana ain’t like Ariana. I don’t know what Ariana was like as a child or what she like now. None of us do. Everything about her - from her music to her social media - is carefully crafted-curated by a team of dozens of people who make their living off of her. She has the fourth largest IG account with 136M followers. She don’t just walk into a bathroom bust a selfie and post it like y’all. She got a team of former Facebook-IG employees who analyze IG activity to the millisecond and post content that will guarantee growth and exposure of her account. And her music is cranked out by the same old balding men in creepy black nike caps, bad tans and tight jeans who managed Guns N Roses-Metallica in the 80s and now have decided that dressing a grown woman up as a lil girl with bows in her hair is the wave. Don’t ever get lost in the sauce. NOBODY’s heart is built like that. NOBODY invest they entire existence someone and then by the next day they like “thank u next”. That’s a tag line only someone with a sick heart (in a black nike baseball cap 😂) could devise. It’s not real. Love is a gift. Sometimes the world gets in the way. Don’t stop loving with all your heart. My friend said “What if I never meet anyone who makes me feel like that? Or worse, what if I can’t let myself feel like that with someone who deserves it bc he fvcked up my sense of trust so bad?” Well bish that’s how the heart works lol! That’s how u feel when u in love and it get torn apart! U feel like maybe u never gon be in love again! Nah. A merciful God ain’t build us like that and God is indeed merciful. Give it time. U will love again and realize that ya ex was a whole trash can. It take time to heal but it will happen. Don’t hold yourself to someone else’s timeline! Ever! Love y’all. Bless up ❀
                
                

                
            

            
            
A dear friend of mine who live in NYC was seriously dating a man from out of town. He planned to move to NYC and they planned to start a lif...

            
            
        

    



        

            
        
        

            



        

            
        
        

            



        

            
        
        

            



        

            
        
        

            



        

            
        
        

            



        

            
        
        

            




    Being Alone, College, and Computers: Philadelphia NEWS .
 RESTAURANTS
 HEALTH-
 WE G SITI[+
 REAL ESIATE & HEUE·
 1HINGS 10 De-
 酉EDDING-
 BEST 0F PEILLY
 MAGAZINE
 Q
 Besides, the impetus seemed righteous. In a world torn asunder by the
 Great Depression, the Holocaust, and two World Wars, our citizenry
 needed to come together, be united, rally behind a collective vision of
 what it meant to be an American: You lived in a single-family house. you
 drove a station wagon, you wore bowling shirts and blue jeans, and you
 slathered mayonnaise on everything from BLTs to burgers to pastrami on
 rye. How do you think "Hold the mayo" became a saying? There was
 aluays mayo, and if you were some kind of deviant who didn't want it,
 you had to say so out loud
 MY SON Ä°AKE, who's 25, eats mayo. He's a practical young man who
 works in computers and adores macaroni salad. He's a good son. I also
 have a daughter. She was a women's and gender studies major in college.
 Naturally, she loathes mayonnaise. And she's not alone. Ask the young
 people you know their opinion of mayo, and you'll be shocked by the
 depths of their emotion. Oh, there's the occasional outlier, like Jake. But
 for the most part, today's youth would sooner get their news from an
 actual paper newspaper than ingest mayonnaise
 The origins of this contentious condiment are hotly debated. Is its name
 derived from the city of Mahon on the Balearic Island of Menorca, where
 the Duc de Richelieu's chef, unable to find cream for a sauce to celebrate
 his lordship's successful siege during the Seven Years War, substituted an
 emulsion of eggs and ol? Or is it a bastardization of Bayonnaise, fronm
polyglotplatypus:
please listen to this poor man losing his shit as he reads an article blaming millenials for killing the mayonnaise industry that was written by a babyboomer upset people don’t want to eat her bland salads anymore
    

        
        
        
        
        
        
        
        
    

    

        

            
            

                
                Being Alone, College, and Computers: Philadelphia NEWS .
 RESTAURANTS
 HEALTH-
 WE G SITI[+
 REAL ESIATE & HEUE·
 1HINGS 10 De-
 酉EDDING-
 BEST 0F PEILLY
 MAGAZINE
 Q
 Besides, the impetus seemed righteous. In a world torn asunder by the
 Great Depression, the Holocaust, and two World Wars, our citizenry
 needed to come together, be united, rally behind a collective vision of
 what it meant to be an American: You lived in a single-family house. you
 drove a station wagon, you wore bowling shirts and blue jeans, and you
 slathered mayonnaise on everything from BLTs to burgers to pastrami on
 rye. How do you think "Hold the mayo" became a saying? There was
 aluays mayo, and if you were some kind of deviant who didn't want it,
 you had to say so out loud
 MY SON Ä°AKE, who's 25, eats mayo. He's a practical young man who
 works in computers and adores macaroni salad. He's a good son. I also
 have a daughter. She was a women's and gender studies major in college.
 Naturally, she loathes mayonnaise. And she's not alone. Ask the young
 people you know their opinion of mayo, and you'll be shocked by the
 depths of their emotion. Oh, there's the occasional outlier, like Jake. But
 for the most part, today's youth would sooner get their news from an
 actual paper newspaper than ingest mayonnaise
 The origins of this contentious condiment are hotly debated. Is its name
 derived from the city of Mahon on the Balearic Island of Menorca, where
 the Duc de Richelieu's chef, unable to find cream for a sauce to celebrate
 his lordship's successful siege during the Seven Years War, substituted an
 emulsion of eggs and ol? Or is it a bastardization of Bayonnaise, fronm
polyglotplatypus:
please listen to this poor man losing his shit as he reads an article blaming millenials for killing the mayonnaise industry that was written by a babyboomer upset people don’t want to eat her bland salads anymore
                
                

                
            

            
            
polyglotplatypus:
please listen to this poor man losing his shit as he reads an article blaming millenials for killing the mayonnaise indust...

            
            
        

    



        

            
        
        

            



        

            
        
        

            



        

            
        
        

            



        

            
        
        

            



        

            
        
        

            



        

            
        
        

            



        

            
        
        

            




    Advice, Brains, and Coca-Cola: Peanut butter
spaceorphan18:

sulkingheals:

downtroddendeity:

jacemp3:

monkeysaysficus:


audrey-hepbae:

catchymemes:

10 tricks you didn’t know you could do with your food.
By Blossom

The internet went from showing food recipe videos to alchemy in less than a decade. There’s going to be a quick video on how to make the philosopher’s stone from tomato sauce next week. 


I WANNA DRINK THE TRANSPARENT SODA


leave milk out unrefrigerated in your house for 2 days

Some days ago, my sibling sent me this video out of the desperate hope I could provide the catharsis of seeing it torn to pieces. It has now been coming on 72 hours, and only now have I recovered enough to be able to do much of anything but scream, “WHAT?!” and “NO!” at the screen.
We had a long discussion about what in the twelve hells this video even is. A surreal, dadaist parody so obscure that our brains aren’t operating on enough levels to comprehend it? The Instagram lifehack equivalent of those terrifying procedurally-generated animated Youtube videos that farm ad revenue by playing millions of times to babies whose parents left the iPad on autoplay? A coded message designed to activate the combat programming of brainwashed cyborg sleeper agents? A post that slipped through a wormhole from an alternate dimension where the laws of reality are different? An emanation of a vast and alien chaos god?
I cannot bring myself to confront the claims in this video in the order they are put forth without losing my will to live after the first one, so I will start with the least crazy and work my way up.
Bananas to ripen things: More or less true. You’ll sometimes see advice to cooks to store underripe fruit in a paper bag with one piece of overripe (but not rotten) fruit to ripen it more quickly.Misrepresentations: It will probably take longer than overnight to ripen something as green as some of those tomatoes, and it doesn’t have to be a banana.
Coca-cola and milk: The coke is more acidic than the
 milk and curdles it, resulting in solid globs of milk protein which 
settle out. The brown dye in the coke sticks to the milk protein globs, 
leaving the excess liquid more or less clear.Misrepresentations: The video has been enormously sped up, which the editing does not make clear; the reaction takes hours.
Ketchup to clean metal: To my mild surprise, this is actually a thing (though you could just make a paste out of salt, flour, and vinegar and scrub with that and not get ketchup stains on everything)
Misrepresentations: 
for cleaning copper and bronze. Which the jug shown in the video is not. The acid in the ketchup might take some of the tarnish off, say, aluminum, but at that point you might as well just use vinegar.
Sparkling water omelet: Omelet souffles are a thing.Misrepresentations: You
 literally do not need the sparkling water
 you can just beat the eggs until they’re fluffy



“Warm water clears wax from fruits!”: This is a mysterious and arcane procedure called “washing.”Misrepresentations: I don’t know what the hell they even did to the video on this sequence but as a person who has washed many apples in warm water, it does not look like that and the thin layer of edible wax applied to make them look good in the grocery store does not come off that easily.
Sprite to clean earrings: Again, this will take tarnish off some metals just due to the acid, but
Misrepresentations: DO YOU WANT GROSS STICKY EARRINGS AND EAR INFECTIONS? JUST USE VINEGAR WATER. Also, “dirt” is not a kind of molecule. (Incidentally, if the earrings are silver, there is a vastly better method that actually reverses the tarnish instead of removing it.)
Insta-freeze bottle: This is a real thing
Misrepresentation: 
which absolutely will not happen if you follow their instructions, because a) they neglect to mention an important caveat (the water needs to be purified/distilled) and b) 5 minutes is not long enough for a water bottle to supercool. If you google any of the myriad videos and articles of people doing this trick, you’ll see numbers like “3 hours in the freezer” or “40 minutes in a salted ice bath.”
There is video of the trick working. Either that footage was taken from someone else, or they knew how to do it, did it, and then deliberately lied about the time for no apparent reason.
Putting a broken plate in milk for two days magically fixes it: To my immense surprise, they didn’t make this one up; the idea is that the milk protein casein can form into a plastic at high temperatures and bind to the ceramic. Googling it turned up some hobbyist potters commenting that they’d used it to salvage things that had cracked slightly in the kiln.Misrepresentations: Once again, they’ve misrepresented the method: everything I saw talking about how to do it said to boil the milk and then soak for an hour, not leave it out for two days like an offering to the pixies. And most of what I saw reported about it also said it only really works on hairline cracks, not full breaks, and doesn’t hold up long-term because the real structural damage isn’t repaired. And may leave a faint and persistent odor of boiled milk.
Just use superglue.
“Reveal the genetic memory of the honeycomb”:
This is the kind of gibberish predicated on so many nonsensical assumptions that unpacking it would be more trouble than it’s worth. Plus, well, I can barely see anything with the low video quality, but what I can see of the vague blur doesn’t look much like a honeycomb in the first place. Suffice to say:
“Honey looks like a honeycomb” isn’t even in the ballpark of what’s generally meant by “genetic memory,”
what’s generally meant by “genetic memory” is also complete hooey, and
fluid dynamics is weird and swirling a thick, viscous, water-soluble liquid with a layer of water on top is going to do weird things.
But at least that I could potentially attribute to ignorance rather than deliberate intent to deceive, unlike

Hot coals and peanut butter
This is the reason it’s taken me this long to post this. Every time I think about it my soul starts to leave my body. It’s such a mind-boggling level of bullshit that every time I’ve tried to put words around an explanation I’m quickly reduced to staring at the screen and mouthing “No” to myself in a voice of quiet despair, because I can’t even figure out where to start.
Well, okay, I guess I might as well start by saying I think their
 let’s say inspiration on this was articles about scientists who made diamonds out of peanut butter and carbon dioxide. 
With a press that’s designed to recreate the conditions of the earth’s mantle, and which is prone to exploding. So, you know, not something you can do in your kitchen. Unless you have one hell of a kitchen.
You can see the direct links to this in the nonsensical claim that this “works” because peanut butter contains carbon dioxide. (It doesn’t, particularly. It’s crushed peanuts mixed with oil. You know what would have a lot of carbon dioxide? The fire you pulled that glowing lump of charcoal out of.) It also mentions “pressure” when no particular pressure is involved, presumably because we’ve all heard about turning coal into diamond under heat and pressure.
Chemically speaking, there’s very little to make that crystal out of except carbon, unless you want to posit a mass migration of all the sugar molecules in the peanut butter to the center of the coal. And “carbon crystal” = “diamond,” and do you think if it was that easy to make diamonds they’d be that expensive?
I will guarantee you that crystal is a lump of quartz they covered in black crud and then peanut butter to pretend it was the charcoal.
But, of course, all of that is irrelevant, because by reblogging this at all, even to performatively despair that the internet does not seem to have come all that far since the days of Infinite Chocolate, I’m playing into their hands. Lifehack clickbait has done this forever- they deliberately seed in wrong or awful advice because people will share that to say how stupid/wrong it is. They led with complete insanity to get attention, and I gave them eyeballs on the video watching this, and I’ll be giving them more from writing this.
Maybe I’ll stick to the chaos god theory. It’s less depressing.
@ohnofixit


I apologize for being stupid enough to believe that video so reblogging the breakdown of why it was wrong.

Why you shouldn’t believe everything on the internet. 

    

        
        
        
        
        
        
        
        
    

    

        

            
            

                
                Advice, Brains, and Coca-Cola: Peanut butter
spaceorphan18:

sulkingheals:

downtroddendeity:

jacemp3:

monkeysaysficus:


audrey-hepbae:

catchymemes:

10 tricks you didn’t know you could do with your food.
By Blossom

The internet went from showing food recipe videos to alchemy in less than a decade. There’s going to be a quick video on how to make the philosopher’s stone from tomato sauce next week. 


I WANNA DRINK THE TRANSPARENT SODA


leave milk out unrefrigerated in your house for 2 days

Some days ago, my sibling sent me this video out of the desperate hope I could provide the catharsis of seeing it torn to pieces. It has now been coming on 72 hours, and only now have I recovered enough to be able to do much of anything but scream, “WHAT?!” and “NO!” at the screen.
We had a long discussion about what in the twelve hells this video even is. A surreal, dadaist parody so obscure that our brains aren’t operating on enough levels to comprehend it? The Instagram lifehack equivalent of those terrifying procedurally-generated animated Youtube videos that farm ad revenue by playing millions of times to babies whose parents left the iPad on autoplay? A coded message designed to activate the combat programming of brainwashed cyborg sleeper agents? A post that slipped through a wormhole from an alternate dimension where the laws of reality are different? An emanation of a vast and alien chaos god?
I cannot bring myself to confront the claims in this video in the order they are put forth without losing my will to live after the first one, so I will start with the least crazy and work my way up.
Bananas to ripen things: More or less true. You’ll sometimes see advice to cooks to store underripe fruit in a paper bag with one piece of overripe (but not rotten) fruit to ripen it more quickly.Misrepresentations: It will probably take longer than overnight to ripen something as green as some of those tomatoes, and it doesn’t have to be a banana.
Coca-cola and milk: The coke is more acidic than the
 milk and curdles it, resulting in solid globs of milk protein which 
settle out. The brown dye in the coke sticks to the milk protein globs, 
leaving the excess liquid more or less clear.Misrepresentations: The video has been enormously sped up, which the editing does not make clear; the reaction takes hours.
Ketchup to clean metal: To my mild surprise, this is actually a thing (though you could just make a paste out of salt, flour, and vinegar and scrub with that and not get ketchup stains on everything)
Misrepresentations: 
for cleaning copper and bronze. Which the jug shown in the video is not. The acid in the ketchup might take some of the tarnish off, say, aluminum, but at that point you might as well just use vinegar.
Sparkling water omelet: Omelet souffles are a thing.Misrepresentations: You
 literally do not need the sparkling water
 you can just beat the eggs until they’re fluffy



“Warm water clears wax from fruits!”: This is a mysterious and arcane procedure called “washing.”Misrepresentations: I don’t know what the hell they even did to the video on this sequence but as a person who has washed many apples in warm water, it does not look like that and the thin layer of edible wax applied to make them look good in the grocery store does not come off that easily.
Sprite to clean earrings: Again, this will take tarnish off some metals just due to the acid, but
Misrepresentations: DO YOU WANT GROSS STICKY EARRINGS AND EAR INFECTIONS? JUST USE VINEGAR WATER. Also, “dirt” is not a kind of molecule. (Incidentally, if the earrings are silver, there is a vastly better method that actually reverses the tarnish instead of removing it.)
Insta-freeze bottle: This is a real thing
Misrepresentation: 
which absolutely will not happen if you follow their instructions, because a) they neglect to mention an important caveat (the water needs to be purified/distilled) and b) 5 minutes is not long enough for a water bottle to supercool. If you google any of the myriad videos and articles of people doing this trick, you’ll see numbers like “3 hours in the freezer” or “40 minutes in a salted ice bath.”
There is video of the trick working. Either that footage was taken from someone else, or they knew how to do it, did it, and then deliberately lied about the time for no apparent reason.
Putting a broken plate in milk for two days magically fixes it: To my immense surprise, they didn’t make this one up; the idea is that the milk protein casein can form into a plastic at high temperatures and bind to the ceramic. Googling it turned up some hobbyist potters commenting that they’d used it to salvage things that had cracked slightly in the kiln.Misrepresentations: Once again, they’ve misrepresented the method: everything I saw talking about how to do it said to boil the milk and then soak for an hour, not leave it out for two days like an offering to the pixies. And most of what I saw reported about it also said it only really works on hairline cracks, not full breaks, and doesn’t hold up long-term because the real structural damage isn’t repaired. And may leave a faint and persistent odor of boiled milk.
Just use superglue.
“Reveal the genetic memory of the honeycomb”:
This is the kind of gibberish predicated on so many nonsensical assumptions that unpacking it would be more trouble than it’s worth. Plus, well, I can barely see anything with the low video quality, but what I can see of the vague blur doesn’t look much like a honeycomb in the first place. Suffice to say:
“Honey looks like a honeycomb” isn’t even in the ballpark of what’s generally meant by “genetic memory,”
what’s generally meant by “genetic memory” is also complete hooey, and
fluid dynamics is weird and swirling a thick, viscous, water-soluble liquid with a layer of water on top is going to do weird things.
But at least that I could potentially attribute to ignorance rather than deliberate intent to deceive, unlike

Hot coals and peanut butter
This is the reason it’s taken me this long to post this. Every time I think about it my soul starts to leave my body. It’s such a mind-boggling level of bullshit that every time I’ve tried to put words around an explanation I’m quickly reduced to staring at the screen and mouthing “No” to myself in a voice of quiet despair, because I can’t even figure out where to start.
Well, okay, I guess I might as well start by saying I think their
 let’s say inspiration on this was articles about scientists who made diamonds out of peanut butter and carbon dioxide. 
With a press that’s designed to recreate the conditions of the earth’s mantle, and which is prone to exploding. So, you know, not something you can do in your kitchen. Unless you have one hell of a kitchen.
You can see the direct links to this in the nonsensical claim that this “works” because peanut butter contains carbon dioxide. (It doesn’t, particularly. It’s crushed peanuts mixed with oil. You know what would have a lot of carbon dioxide? The fire you pulled that glowing lump of charcoal out of.) It also mentions “pressure” when no particular pressure is involved, presumably because we’ve all heard about turning coal into diamond under heat and pressure.
Chemically speaking, there’s very little to make that crystal out of except carbon, unless you want to posit a mass migration of all the sugar molecules in the peanut butter to the center of the coal. And “carbon crystal” = “diamond,” and do you think if it was that easy to make diamonds they’d be that expensive?
I will guarantee you that crystal is a lump of quartz they covered in black crud and then peanut butter to pretend it was the charcoal.
But, of course, all of that is irrelevant, because by reblogging this at all, even to performatively despair that the internet does not seem to have come all that far since the days of Infinite Chocolate, I’m playing into their hands. Lifehack clickbait has done this forever- they deliberately seed in wrong or awful advice because people will share that to say how stupid/wrong it is. They led with complete insanity to get attention, and I gave them eyeballs on the video watching this, and I’ll be giving them more from writing this.
Maybe I’ll stick to the chaos god theory. It’s less depressing.
@ohnofixit


I apologize for being stupid enough to believe that video so reblogging the breakdown of why it was wrong.

Why you shouldn’t believe everything on the internet. 

                
                

                
            

            
            
spaceorphan18:

sulkingheals:

downtroddendeity:

jacemp3:

monkeysaysficus:


audrey-hepbae:

catchymemes:

10 tricks you didn’t know you c...