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Were Through: realizing that my last shreds of mental stability were through on-campus routine and group therapy through my university
Were Through: realizing that my last shreds of mental stability were through on-campus routine and group therapy through my university

realizing that my last shreds of mental stability were through on-campus routine and group therapy through my university

Were Through: AMERICAN SCIENTIFIC le Lape IMPROVEMENTS. NUMBER I. THE ADVOCATE OF IN DUSTRY AND ENTERPRISE, AND JOURNAL OF MECHANICAL AND OTHE NEW-YORK. THURSDAY, AUGUST 28, 1845. CATALOGUE OF AMERICAN PATENTS VOLUME I. ISSUED IN 1844. IMPROVED RAIL-R0 AD CARS. CLASS 1-Agriculture, including Instruments and Operatvons. THE SCIENTIFIC AMERICAN, Bee Hives-Improvement in Bee Hives by Aarou E. James, Point Pleasant, Va., Jan. 6th. Do. Samuel & J. D. Cope, Damascusville, Ohio, Feh. 8th, Do. George B. West, Fairfield, Ohio. April 20th. Do. James A. Cutting, Haverhill, N. II. June 24th. Do. Jacob D. Fulkerson, Unity. Ohio, July lst, Do. Oliver Reynolds, Webster. N. Y., Dec. 4th. Bee Palaces, Lemon Hamlin, Kirkersville, Ohio, July 13th. Improvement in Churns-George W. Cook. St. Louis, Mo., Feb. 28th. Do. Harmess Bently, Ballston, N. Y., April 20th. Do. Jason B. Schermerhorp, New York, June 5th. Do. Thomas Ling, Portland, Me., Aug. 21st. Corn and Cane Cutters-Jacob Peck, Oakland, Penn., Aug. 28th. Corn Fodder, Cutting and Crashing-Rudolph Miller, York, Penn., Oct. 3d. Corn-Sheller-Willium McAll, Talladega, India- na, April 13th. Cultivator-Robert Nelson, West Point, la., Jan. 15th. Cultivator-William Dyzert, Gettysburg, Pena.. Aug. 16th. Cultivator Teeth-James Birdsall, Hamorton, Penn., Nov. 9th. Fruit-gatherer-Alexander McWilliams, Wash- ington, D. C. March 13th. Harrow, sward-cutting-Dennis Rice, Rowe, PUBLISHED EVERY TIHURSDAY MORNING, AT NO. 11 SPRUCE STREET, NEW YORK, NO. 10 STATE STREET, BOSTON, AND No. 21 ARCADE, PHILADELPHIA, (THE PRINCUPAL OFFICE BEING IN NEW YORK,) Br RUFUS PORTER. Each mumber will be fornished with from twa to five ori- final Engravings, many of them elegant, and illestrative of Nee Iunentions, Scientifie Principlex, anl Curious Works; and will cantain, in addition to the most intereating news of passing events, general untienes of the progress of Mechanie- al and other Scientific Improrements, American and Fo- reign Improvements and Inventions; Cntalogues of Aneri- can Patents: Scientifie Essays, illostrative of the principlos of the aciences of Mechanies, Chemistry and Architocture ;: efal information and instruction in vncious Arts and Trades: Curious Philosophical Experiments: Miscellane- nga Intelligence, Music and Poetry. This paper is expecially entitied to the patronage of Me- chanics and Manufacturers, being the only paper in Ameri- ca, devoted to the interests of those classes; but is particu- larly nseful to farmers, as it will not only apprise them of improvements in agricaltural implements, but instruct them in various mechanical trudes, and guard them against impo- sitinns. As a family newspaper, it will convey more use. fal intelligence to children nnd young people, than five tinues its cost in school instruction. in favnur of this paper, is that it will be worth two dollar nt the end of the year when the volume is complete, (Old vulumes of the New York Mechanie, being now worth double the original cost, in chah.) TTRMS.-The "Srientific American " will be furnished to subscribera at $2,00 per annum,-one dollar in alvunce, and the balance in six months. Five copies will be sent to one address six months, for four dollars in advance. Any person procuring two ur more subscribera, will be en- titled to a comn.iasion of 25 cents each. There is, perhaps, no mechhanical subject, in which improvement has advanced so rapidly, within the last ten years, as that of railroad pas- senger cars. eastern roads, and be will find it difficult to convey to a third party, a correct idea of the vast extent of improvement. Some of the most ele- gant cars of this dass, and which are of a capacity to accommodate from sixty to eighty passengers, and run with a steadiness hardly equalled by a steamboat in still water, are manufactured by Davenport & Bridges, at their estalblishment in Cambridgeport, Mass. The manufacturers have recently introluced a variety of excellent improvements in the construction of trucks, springs, and connections, which are calculated to avoid atmospheric resistance, secure safety and convenicnce, and contribute case and comfort to passengers, while flying at the rate of 30 or 40 miles per hour. that our readers may be enabled to appreciate more fully the progress of improvements in this inmportant branch of mechanism. Let any person contrast the awkward and uncouth cars of '35 with the superbly splendid long cars now running on several of the Another important argument We purpose to give a particular description of these improvements, accompanied with saitable engravings, in our next number, Hulling Clover Machines-A. B. Crawford, Woo- ster, Ohio, Dec. 31st. Hulling and Pearling Rice-Jacob Groat, Troy, N. Y., July 11lth. Mowing, Grain Cradles-William A. Wood and GREAT IMPROVEMENT IN LITHOGRAPHIC PRINT- Mass., May 17th. BURNING WELL.-A correspondent of the Cleve- LOWELL AS IT WAS AND AS IT Is; By Rev. HENRY A. MILES, is a neat 18mo of 234 pages just land Plain Dealer, gives an account of a burning ING.-A very important improvement has been made issued by Powers & Bagley, Lowell. It is full of well that may be seen at Southington Centre, in facts of general interest, Merrimae Company (whose dividends are so often all but 24 feet through sand-stone, quick-sand and precision and regularity of pressure is obtained as quoted) employs 1250 women, whose average earn- ings considerably ezceed $2 eaclı per week above the cost of their board. The laboring men average 85 odor, accompanied by a rushing sdund, was perceiv- impressions of designs, or about 1,000 copies of lith- cents per day above their board; fifty-six overseers receive $2 each per day with occasioual preiniums. (These are the reduced wages we hear of.] None lamp into it. are employed under fifteen years of age. man is retained a day afiei she 1s knowu of licentious conduct, but not one in a hundred is ever discharged for any such cause. running time is 12 hours 10 minutes per day, which is too long and should be shortened, but the average working time of each hand is but ten hours and a half. In the Boott Mills, a careful arcouut of working time has been kept, and it appears that 106 girls averaged 267 days each in a year and 10 hours 8 minutes per day, each being paid according to her work, and all are paid in cash every inonth,- taking with him the wood for the handles, and the not one farthing in store orders, or barter of any machinery used for the purpose. Brooms inade kind. The average earnings of the women in all the factories, including novices, is $1,93 per week be- sides their board. Mauy girls who lhave been school e achers gladly take places in the inills, as the pay s higher here, and the work lighter, though the hours are longer. No one has lost a sixpence of exporied thitlher in large quantities.-Er. her earnings in the Lowell factories since the first was started. The girls have about $100,000 in the Savings Bank. -Such is the condition of the Laboring Class in the principal Manufacturing town in America. quantity of hay (froın a field where it was in cocks Granted that it is not all it should be-that it imight for stacking) rise rapidly into the air. There was and should be improved-it is still true that no where else does a Laboring class of equal numbers time : however the hay continued to ascend until it earn so much, year by year; no where else are they apparently passed through the clouds, which were so constantly employed, comfortably situated and sailing high at the time. After the lapse of a few adequately rewarded. Let those who would over- throw this state of things go to work and huild up something better, or show how it may be done. Until they bave some crude notions of this sort, ought they not to cease their incessant warfare on American Manufactures ?-Trilune. in the lithographic printing machine by a young French engineer named Nicolle, by which the same Trumbull county, Ohio. The well is 91 feet deep, We learn from it that the hard rock, which the augur used for boring could by the common hand-press. By the common litho- not penetrate. When it was withdrawn, a pecutiar graphic process, not more than from 200 to 250 good Ichn C Loveland, Hoosick Falls, N. Y. Nor Wife, Children and Friends. 13th. Mowing, Harvesting Machines-George Esterly, If the stock of our bliss be in stranger hands vested, The fund, ill secured, oft in bankruptey ends; But the heart issues bills which are never protested, When drawn on the firm of-wife, children and friends. ed. Suspecting the presence of inflammable gas. ographic writing, can be obtained in twelve hours; Mr. Wannemaker. the owner of the well, lowered a by this new machine, which is also worked by hand, Heart Prairie, W. T., Oct. 22d. Mowing, Hemp Cradles-Grifin Reynolds, jun. as many as 2,000 of the former, and 20,000 of the A violent explosion that did some in- jurv to the by-standers, was the consequence, and latter, can be obtained within the same period of Washington, Ky., May 30th. the gas still continues to burn. buretted hydrogen. Mowing, Reaping Machines-William F. Ketch- um, Buffalo, N. Y., Nov. 18th. Improvement in Ploughs-John Thompson, Rip- No wo- De guilty It 1s duubtlean cat- Lime. Though valour still glows in life's dying embers, The death-wounded tar, who his colours defends, Drops a tear of regret as he, dying, remembers How blest was his home with-wife, children and A SENSIBLE HORSE.-One of the truck horses of Mr. Hinds was unloosed for a minute or two, from ley, Ohio, April 17th. the trucks, a few days since, in this city, when, on the driver looking around for him, behold he was missing. It was an hour or two, before the driver The average Do. Aaron Smith, Bloomfield, Mich, May 6th. Do. Jonathan Mooers, Hazeltou, Penn, July lst. Do. Anthony Taylor, New Garden, Ohio, Dec. 19th. NEW ARTICLE OF EXPORT.-We are told that a Yankee broom maker in Ohio has leased some twelve Iundred acres of bottoni land, on the Scioto river, near Columbus, and planted the entire plot in broom corn, with a view to export the crop to Eng- could discover his whereabout. It was very myste- land, where he intends to proceed himself, and en- gage extensively in the manufacturing of brooms, flights of fancy. IHowever, he was ac last found in frieuds. Plough, adjusting-William R. Allan, Browas- ton, Ky., Jan. 31st. Plough, combined-Harvey Crown, Payson, Iil., March 9th. Plough, double-Aaron Smith, Bloomield, Mich. May 10th. Plough, excavating ditehes-Janies Herbert, La- grange, Ia., April 13th. Plough, gathering weeds under the furrow slice- The soldier, whose deeds live immortal in story, Whon duty to far distant latitude sends, With transport would barter whole ages of glory For one happy day with-wife, children, and friends. rious, he being a steady beast, and not subject to the sumith's shop, where he was wont to have his shoes repaired. The smith said the horse entered from the American broom corn are so tnuch superi- and took the usual stand for shoeing. Upon exam- or, for varions uses, to any thing to be had in Eng- ining his feet he found one shoe off, which he sup- land, that they have becone, within a few years plied. That horse is a sensiale beast. past, quite a favorite in that country and are now The day-spring of youth, still unclouded by sorrow, Alone on itself for enjoyment depends; But drear is the twilight of age, if it borrow No warmth from the smile of-wife, children, and THE PROPERTIES OF ZINC.-Professor Farraday, Dudley Hills, East Hartford, Ct. Oct. 7th. as we are informed in the London Athenæum, has paper. Plough, wheel-Israel Long, Bucyrus, Ohio, March 9th. friends. EXTRAORDINARY PHENOMENON.-The inhabit- made this metal the subject of many interesting ex- ants of the village of Moulton were greatly astonish- ed on Saturday last, at observing a considerable properties on being melted and poured into water, nectady, N. Y., Feb. 20th. Let the breath of renown ever freshen and nourish The laurel which o'er the dead favourite bends, O'er me wave the willow, and long may it Bourish, Bedewed with the tears of-wile, children, and friends! Potato-Diggers-Archibald C. Ketchum, Sche- He has discovered that it assumes new periments. Rake, grain-Benoni F. Partridge, Onondaga, N. Y., March 13th. Rattoon and Cane Cuters-Robert Lauve, Pla- quemines, La., Sept. 17th. Seeding, corn planters-Thomas H. Hoskings, Crawfordsville, Ia., Jan. 20th. Seeding, planting machines-Dierck Brewer, Pe- the metal becoming very malleable and soft, losing none of its tenacity, but still capable of being spun into the finest wire, pressed into any required form, not the slightest breeze of winud perceptible at the or rolled into any thinness desired. This promises to be a very useful discovery. Attraction. Attraction is a curious power, miuntes it again appeard like a small black streak in the cloudy vapour, where it continned to form a most novel and extraordinary sight for ten or fifteen from Syria, has been presented to the National In- minutes, when it gradually descended again to the earth.-Linconshire Chronicle. A SPECIMEN OF VEGETABLE SILK, raised from seeds received from Italy, which came originally tersburg, Tenn., April 4th. That none can understand : Its infoence iy every where- In water, air and land; It keeps the earth compact and tight, As though strong balts were through it; And, what is more mysterious yet, It binds us mortals to it. Seeding, seed planter-Loea Pratt, Amherst, N. H., April 25th, and Richard J. Gatling, Murfreesbo- stitute. Some of the seeds have been forwarded to Florida to the Hon. D. Levy, for the purpose of be- rough, N. C., May 10th, ing cuitivated. Seeding, seed planters-U. Kilburn, Lawrence- ville, Penn., and F. Haines, Marietta, Penn., Dec. 31st. MAKING ARTICLES IN HORN.-The handles for knives, razors, and other articles inoulded in lhorn, been commenced around the dangerous falls in the are thus made: The horn is first cut into appropri- Columbia river, at Willamette, by Dr. McLauglin, lightning appears to be occasioned by the combustion ate pieces with the saw, and when heated, these are prepared with a knife or spoke-shave, to the general form and size required; after which the pieces are pressed into moulds. Au idea of the mould will be conveyed by imagining two dies or pieces of melal, complete the work in two years, at a cost of thirty parallel on their outer surfaces, and with a cavity thousand dollars. His charter, procured from the sunk entirely in the one, or partially in each, gccor- Oregon Legislature is for twenty-one years, It is being forced together by the whole weight of the ding to circumstances: it is made either straight, said that the improvenment which will be effected in atinosphere, greatly constrict each other; but their Me., Anril 10th. carved, twisted, rounded, bevelled, &e., of it is en- graved with some device, according to the pattern of of the canal will. of itself, fully reward the commu- acquired. A centrifugal force being thus established, the work to be produced. The pressure is applied nity for the privilege conferred by the Legislature. to the dies by enclosing them in a kind of clamp made with a strong pair of nut crackers, but with a powerful screw at the end opposite to the joint ; the mould, dies, and horn. are dipped into boiling water or a few minutes, and then screwed as fast as possi- singularity of his sitters. A certnin man eame to produced by that portion of the sonorous circle Sth. ble immediately on removing the sam about twenty mninutes the work is ready for fioish- all included in a fumily piece. It was but one ing: some handles are made of two pieces joinesd to- thing," said he, and that is the portrait of my first gether. IMPROVEMENT IN OREGON-Already has a canal CAUSE OF SOUND IN THUNDER.-Thunder is one of the consequences resulting from lightning, and Me., Nov. 18th. Seeding, sowing machines-Ean Fisk, Fayette, You throw a stone up in the air, And down it comes-ker-whaek ! The centrafugal easts it np- The centripetalback. My eyes! I can't discover how One objeet 'traets another; Unless they love each other, lke A sister and a brother, Smut Machine-Meredith Mallory, Mount Mor- ris. N. Y. Jan. 20th. Smut Machine-Jacob W. Brown, Mount Airy, an American citizen. Its length will be about hall of some of the inflamable particles of air; or accor- a mile, part of the way through a solid bed of pri- mitive rock, und the fall in the entire distance will ding to more recent opinions, of a condensation of be about thirty-five feet. The projector expects to aerial matter conduciug to electricity, by which in N. C. Feb. 28th. either case, a vacum is created. The sorrounding atoms which remaia uninfluenced by this change, 2oth. Do. James M. Clarke, Strasburg, Penn., March Do. Samuel Scammon and R. Nason, Waterville, elastic nature causes them immediately to expand, and by this enlargement their sonorous property is 30th. Do. Elisha S. Snyder, Charleston, Va., April the navigation of the Columbia, by this construction I know the compans always points Direetly at the pole: Some say the north star causes this, And some say-Symms's Hole ! Prehaps it does--prehaps it don't, Prehaps some other cause; Keep on prehapsing-who can solve Attraction's hidden laws 7 Do. Henry B. James, Mount Holly, N. J., May 17th. Do. Abraham Straub, Milton, Penn., May 17th. Do. Elisha W. Young, Parkman, Ohio, June 5th. Do. Thomas H. Nelson, Harriaburg, Penn., June it acts in all directions alike; but as the eircle ex- tends, its propulsive power becomes gradually dim- PORTRAIT PAINTING.-A portrait painter in large inished, till at last its presaure is no longer felt, nor practice might write a pretty book on the vanity and sound created. The rumbling noiso of thander is Do. James W. Webster, Luray, Va., June 5th. Do. John Pagin, Michigan City, Ia., Aag. 19th. Do. Jacob Groat, Troy, N. Y., Nov. 9th. Straw-Cutter-William Hovey, Worcester, Mass. Feb. 19th. Do. Hiram M. Smith, Richmond, Va., Feb. and in Copely, and had himself, his wife and seven children which strikes upon the earth, whence it becomes condensed : and, being lntercepted in its upward course by dense masses of vapor, it is again reflected, "But," said theand this alternate motion and reverbration continue, urtist, "ahe is dead you know, sir; what can I do? until the interuption ceases, or the original force is she is ooly to be admitted us an angel." Oh, no! exhausted. Echo is occasioned also by reverbration wife-for this one is my second." A ly lights on a 'lasses cup- Attraction bids him woo it, A SMOKE FILTER FOB LOCOMOTIVES.-An in- vention, which promises to be one of great utility, not at all," answered the other: "she must come in has been recently made by Mr. J. P. Deimpfil, a French gentleman, of inuch scientific talent.The added, but some timo elapsed hefore the person came invention consists of "an attachment" to the chim- ney of a locomotive, dividing it by a partition in Lwo parts or pa-sages, upward and downward, with a fly- Copely." he said; "an accilent befell my second intoxicating liquors, for which nobody ought to wheel at the bottom of the downward draft, and a layer of gravel or aand underneath the wheel. The hrr likeness ucluded in the family picture." The 200 pipes of gin, 100 puncheona of rum, 2000 pipes; Y June 5th. top of the chimney is closed, and the smoke and painter complied-the likeness was introduced-and half and quarter pipes of Madeira wine, 3000 caska cinders pass upward through one passnge to the top. the husband looked with a glance of satisfaction on then descending through the other, (a strong draught being made by the revolution of the fly- wheel, which is put in motion by the steam.) and all the refuse of the smoke pipe is retained by the accordingly, and had to bring an acrion at law to grand filter, and the heated air again passes into the obtain payment for the portraits which he had obli- merchants are also rudely put a stop to. furnaces. from one cloud to ahother.- Webster's Principles of 20th. Sound. Aud, when he's in, sttrection keeps The chap from paddling through it. Attraction lures the sot to drink, To all his troubles drowo; But when his legs give way, he falls, And 'traction keeps him down. Do. Eliakim Tay lor, Rochester, N. Y., Oct. 12th, Do. Ezra Taylor, Monroe, N. Y., Nov. 6th. Threshing Machine-Luther & Ezra Whitman, as a woman-no angels for me." The portrait was LIQUOR BURNTT.-Among the property destroyed by the late fire, in this city, was a large quantity of Winthrop, Me, March 20th. back; when ho returned, he had a stranger lady on his arm, Imust have another cast of your hand, Do. Charles W. Catheart, New Durham, Ind., April 25th, and Frederick A. Stuart, Catharine, N. wife: this lady is my third, and she is come to have mourn. Attraction is a curious power, That none can understand: Its influence is everywhere- In water, sir and land. It operstes on every thing-- The sen, the tides, the weather; And sometimes draws the sexes up, And binds them frat together. Threshing and Winnowing Machine, and Grain Separaters-Jacob V. A. Wemple, Mohawk, and George Westinghouse, Schoharie, N. Y., July 13th. Wionowing, Fanning Mill, for eleaning grain- Calvin O. Guernsey, Russia, N. Y. Oct. 12th. Winnowing, separating grain from atraw-Man ning Packard and Christian B. Packard, Clarendon N. Y., Nov. Sth. of port wine, 1000 Malaga, 1500 Marseilles, 1000 claret, and 5000 baskets of Champaigne were con- sumed. How much more that is not told of, on account of the little aympathy the tale would excite, is not known. The operations of sundry large wine his thiree spouses. Not so the lady; she renonstra- ted; never was such a thing heard of-out her pred- ecessors myst go. The artist painted them out N. Y. Euangelist. terated.-Lafe of Cupely, Family Lbrary. I bought this today. I'm not complaining, but 7€ it a lot for a newspaper...that's not even from this century...
Were Through: AMERICAN
 SCIENTIFIC
 le
 Lape
 IMPROVEMENTS.
 NUMBER I.
 THE ADVOCATE OF IN DUSTRY AND ENTERPRISE, AND JOURNAL OF MECHANICAL AND OTHE
 NEW-YORK. THURSDAY, AUGUST 28, 1845.
 CATALOGUE OF AMERICAN PATENTS
 VOLUME I.
 ISSUED IN 1844.
 IMPROVED RAIL-R0 AD CARS.
 CLASS 1-Agriculture, including Instruments
 and Operatvons.
 THE
 SCIENTIFIC AMERICAN,
 Bee Hives-Improvement in Bee Hives by Aarou
 E. James, Point Pleasant, Va., Jan. 6th.
 Do. Samuel & J. D. Cope, Damascusville, Ohio,
 Feh. 8th,
 Do. George B. West, Fairfield, Ohio. April 20th.
 Do. James A. Cutting, Haverhill, N. II. June
 24th.
 Do. Jacob D. Fulkerson, Unity. Ohio, July lst,
 Do. Oliver Reynolds, Webster. N. Y., Dec. 4th.
 Bee Palaces, Lemon Hamlin, Kirkersville, Ohio,
 July 13th.
 Improvement in Churns-George W. Cook. St.
 Louis, Mo., Feb. 28th.
 Do. Harmess Bently, Ballston, N. Y., April 20th.
 Do. Jason B. Schermerhorp, New York, June
 5th.
 Do. Thomas Ling, Portland, Me., Aug. 21st.
 Corn and Cane Cutters-Jacob Peck, Oakland,
 Penn., Aug. 28th.
 Corn Fodder, Cutting and Crashing-Rudolph
 Miller, York, Penn., Oct. 3d.
 Corn-Sheller-Willium McAll, Talladega, India-
 na, April 13th.
 Cultivator-Robert Nelson, West Point, la., Jan.
 15th.
 Cultivator-William Dyzert, Gettysburg, Pena..
 Aug. 16th.
 Cultivator Teeth-James Birdsall, Hamorton,
 Penn., Nov. 9th.
 Fruit-gatherer-Alexander McWilliams, Wash-
 ington, D. C. March 13th.
 Harrow, sward-cutting-Dennis Rice, Rowe,
 PUBLISHED EVERY TIHURSDAY MORNING, AT NO. 11
 SPRUCE STREET, NEW YORK, NO. 10 STATE
 STREET, BOSTON, AND No. 21 ARCADE,
 PHILADELPHIA,
 (THE PRINCUPAL OFFICE BEING IN NEW YORK,)
 Br RUFUS PORTER.
 Each mumber will be fornished with from twa to five ori-
 final Engravings, many of them elegant, and illestrative of
 Nee Iunentions, Scientifie Principlex, anl Curious Works;
 and will cantain, in addition to the most intereating news of
 passing events, general untienes of the progress of Mechanie-
 al and other Scientific Improrements, American and Fo-
 reign Improvements and Inventions; Cntalogues of Aneri-
 can Patents: Scientifie Essays, illostrative of the principlos
 of the aciences of Mechanies, Chemistry and Architocture ;:
 efal information and instruction in vncious Arts and
 Trades: Curious Philosophical Experiments: Miscellane-
 nga Intelligence, Music and Poetry.
 This paper is expecially entitied to the patronage of Me-
 chanics and Manufacturers, being the only paper in Ameri-
 ca, devoted to the interests of those classes; but is particu-
 larly nseful to farmers, as it will not only apprise them of
 improvements in agricaltural implements, but instruct them
 in various mechanical trudes, and guard them against impo-
 sitinns. As a family newspaper, it will convey more use.
 fal intelligence to children nnd young people, than five tinues
 its cost in school instruction.
 in favnur of this paper, is that it will be worth two dollar
 nt the end of the year when the volume is complete, (Old
 vulumes of the New York Mechanie, being now worth
 double the original cost, in chah.)
 TTRMS.-The "Srientific American " will be furnished
 to subscribera at $2,00 per annum,-one dollar in alvunce,
 and the balance in six months.
 Five copies will be sent to one address six months, for
 four dollars in advance.
 Any person procuring two ur more subscribera, will be en-
 titled to a comn.iasion of 25 cents each.
 There is, perhaps, no mechhanical subject, in which improvement has advanced so rapidly, within the last ten years, as that of railroad pas-
 senger cars.
 eastern roads, and be will find it difficult to convey to a third party, a correct idea of the vast extent of improvement. Some of the most ele-
 gant cars of this dass, and which are of a capacity to accommodate from sixty to eighty passengers, and run with a steadiness hardly equalled
 by a steamboat in still water, are manufactured by Davenport & Bridges, at their estalblishment in Cambridgeport, Mass. The manufacturers
 have recently introluced a variety of excellent improvements in the construction of trucks, springs, and connections, which are calculated to
 avoid atmospheric resistance, secure safety and convenicnce, and contribute case and comfort to passengers, while flying at the rate of 30 or 40
 miles per hour.
 that our readers may be enabled to appreciate more fully the progress of improvements in this inmportant branch of mechanism.
 Let any person contrast the awkward and uncouth cars of '35 with the superbly splendid long cars now running on several of the
 Another important argument
 We purpose to give a particular description of these improvements, accompanied with saitable engravings, in our next number,
 Hulling Clover Machines-A. B. Crawford, Woo-
 ster, Ohio, Dec. 31st.
 Hulling and Pearling Rice-Jacob Groat, Troy,
 N. Y., July 11lth.
 Mowing, Grain Cradles-William A. Wood and
 GREAT IMPROVEMENT IN LITHOGRAPHIC PRINT- Mass., May 17th.
 BURNING WELL.-A correspondent of the Cleve-
 LOWELL AS IT WAS AND AS IT Is; By Rev.
 HENRY A. MILES, is a neat 18mo of 234 pages just land Plain Dealer, gives an account of a burning ING.-A very important improvement has been made
 issued by Powers & Bagley, Lowell. It is full of well that may be seen at Southington Centre, in
 facts of general interest,
 Merrimae Company (whose dividends are so often all but 24 feet through sand-stone, quick-sand and precision and regularity of pressure is obtained as
 quoted) employs 1250 women, whose average earn-
 ings considerably ezceed $2 eaclı per week above the
 cost of their board. The laboring men average 85 odor, accompanied by a rushing sdund, was perceiv- impressions of designs, or about 1,000 copies of lith-
 cents per day above their board; fifty-six overseers
 receive $2 each per day with occasioual preiniums.
 (These are the reduced wages we hear of.] None lamp into it.
 are employed under fifteen years of age.
 man is retained a day afiei she 1s knowu
 of licentious conduct, but not one in a hundred is
 ever discharged for any such cause.
 running time is 12 hours 10 minutes per day, which
 is too long and should be shortened, but the average
 working time of each hand is but ten hours and a
 half. In the Boott Mills, a careful arcouut of
 working time has been kept, and it appears that 106
 girls averaged 267 days each in a year and 10 hours
 8 minutes per day, each being paid according to her
 work, and all are paid in cash every inonth,- taking with him the wood for the handles, and the
 not one farthing in store orders, or barter of any machinery used for the purpose. Brooms inade
 kind. The average earnings of the women in all the
 factories, including novices, is $1,93 per week be-
 sides their board. Mauy girls who lhave been school
 e achers gladly take places in the inills, as the pay
 s higher here, and the work lighter, though the
 hours are longer. No one has lost a sixpence of exporied thitlher in large quantities.-Er.
 her earnings in the Lowell factories since the first
 was started. The girls have about $100,000 in the
 Savings Bank.
 -Such is the condition of the Laboring Class in
 the principal Manufacturing town in America. quantity of hay (froın a field where it was in cocks
 Granted that it is not all it should be-that it imight for stacking) rise rapidly into the air. There was
 and should be improved-it is still true that no
 where else does a Laboring class of equal numbers time : however the hay continued to ascend until it
 earn so much, year by year; no where else are they apparently passed through the clouds, which were
 so constantly employed, comfortably situated and sailing high at the time. After the lapse of a few
 adequately rewarded. Let those who would over-
 throw this state of things go to work and huild up
 something better, or show how it may be done.
 Until they bave some crude notions of this sort,
 ought they not to cease their incessant warfare on
 American Manufactures ?-Trilune.
 in the lithographic printing machine by a young
 French engineer named Nicolle, by which the same
 Trumbull county, Ohio. The well is 91 feet deep,
 We learn from it that the
 hard rock, which the augur used for boring could by the common hand-press. By the common litho-
 not penetrate. When it was withdrawn, a pecutiar graphic process, not more than from 200 to 250 good Ichn C Loveland,
 Hoosick Falls, N. Y. Nor
 Wife, Children and Friends.
 13th.
 Mowing, Harvesting Machines-George Esterly,
 If the stock of our bliss be in stranger hands vested,
 The fund, ill secured, oft in bankruptey ends;
 But the heart issues bills which are never protested,
 When drawn on the firm of-wife, children and friends.
 ed. Suspecting the presence of inflammable gas. ographic writing, can be obtained in twelve hours;
 Mr. Wannemaker. the owner of the well, lowered a by this new machine, which is also worked by hand, Heart Prairie, W. T., Oct. 22d.
 Mowing, Hemp Cradles-Grifin Reynolds, jun.
 as many as 2,000 of the former, and 20,000 of the
 A violent explosion that did some in-
 jurv to the by-standers, was the consequence, and latter, can be obtained within the same period of Washington, Ky., May 30th.
 the gas still continues to burn.
 buretted hydrogen.
 Mowing, Reaping Machines-William F. Ketch-
 um, Buffalo, N. Y., Nov. 18th.
 Improvement in Ploughs-John Thompson, Rip-
 No wo-
 De guilty
 It 1s duubtlean cat-
 Lime.
 Though valour still glows in life's dying embers,
 The death-wounded tar, who his colours defends,
 Drops a tear of regret as he, dying, remembers
 How blest was his home with-wife, children and
 A SENSIBLE HORSE.-One of the truck horses of
 Mr. Hinds was unloosed for a minute or two, from ley, Ohio, April 17th.
 the trucks, a few days since, in this city, when, on
 the driver looking around for him, behold he was
 missing. It was an hour or two, before the driver
 The average
 Do. Aaron Smith, Bloomfield, Mich, May 6th.
 Do. Jonathan Mooers, Hazeltou, Penn, July lst.
 Do. Anthony Taylor, New Garden, Ohio, Dec.
 19th.
 NEW ARTICLE OF EXPORT.-We are told that a
 Yankee broom maker in Ohio has leased some
 twelve Iundred acres of bottoni land, on the Scioto
 river, near Columbus, and planted the entire plot in
 broom corn, with a view to export the crop to Eng- could discover his whereabout. It was very myste-
 land, where he intends to proceed himself, and en-
 gage extensively in the manufacturing of brooms, flights of fancy. IHowever, he was ac last found in
 frieuds.
 Plough, adjusting-William R. Allan, Browas-
 ton, Ky., Jan. 31st.
 Plough, combined-Harvey Crown, Payson, Iil.,
 March 9th.
 Plough, double-Aaron Smith, Bloomield, Mich.
 May 10th.
 Plough, excavating ditehes-Janies Herbert, La-
 grange, Ia., April 13th.
 Plough, gathering weeds under the furrow slice-
 The soldier, whose deeds live immortal in story,
 Whon duty to far distant latitude sends,
 With transport would barter whole ages of glory
 For one happy day with-wife, children, and friends.
 rious, he being a steady beast, and not subject to
 the sumith's shop, where he was wont to have his
 shoes repaired. The smith said the horse entered
 from the American broom corn are so tnuch superi- and took the usual stand for shoeing. Upon exam-
 or, for varions uses, to any thing to be had in Eng- ining his feet he found one shoe off, which he sup-
 land, that they have becone, within a few years plied. That horse is a sensiale beast.
 past, quite a favorite in that country and are now
 The day-spring of youth, still unclouded by sorrow,
 Alone on itself for enjoyment depends;
 But drear is the twilight of age, if it borrow
 No warmth from the smile of-wife, children, and
 THE PROPERTIES OF ZINC.-Professor Farraday, Dudley Hills, East Hartford, Ct. Oct. 7th.
 as we are informed in the London Athenæum, has
 paper.
 Plough, wheel-Israel Long, Bucyrus, Ohio,
 March 9th.
 friends.
 EXTRAORDINARY PHENOMENON.-The inhabit- made this metal the subject of many interesting ex-
 ants of the village of Moulton were greatly astonish-
 ed on Saturday last, at observing a considerable properties on being melted and poured into water, nectady, N. Y., Feb. 20th.
 Let the breath of renown ever freshen and nourish
 The laurel which o'er the dead favourite bends,
 O'er me wave the willow, and long may it Bourish,
 Bedewed with the tears of-wile, children, and friends!
 Potato-Diggers-Archibald C. Ketchum, Sche-
 He has discovered that it assumes new
 periments.
 Rake, grain-Benoni F. Partridge, Onondaga, N.
 Y., March 13th.
 Rattoon and Cane Cuters-Robert Lauve, Pla-
 quemines, La., Sept. 17th.
 Seeding, corn planters-Thomas H. Hoskings,
 Crawfordsville, Ia., Jan. 20th.
 Seeding, planting machines-Dierck Brewer, Pe-
 the metal becoming very malleable and soft, losing
 none of its tenacity, but still capable of being spun
 into the finest wire, pressed into any required form,
 not the slightest breeze of winud perceptible at the
 or rolled into any thinness desired. This promises
 to be a very useful discovery.
 Attraction.
 Attraction is a curious power,
 miuntes it again appeard like a small black streak in
 the cloudy vapour, where it continned to form a
 most novel and extraordinary sight for ten or fifteen from Syria, has been presented to the National In-
 minutes, when it gradually descended again to the
 earth.-Linconshire Chronicle.
 A SPECIMEN OF VEGETABLE SILK, raised from
 seeds received from Italy, which came originally tersburg, Tenn., April 4th.
 That none can understand :
 Its infoence iy every where-
 In water, air and land;
 It keeps the earth compact and tight,
 As though strong balts were through it;
 And, what is more mysterious yet,
 It binds us mortals to it.
 Seeding, seed planter-Loea Pratt, Amherst, N.
 H., April 25th, and Richard J. Gatling, Murfreesbo-
 stitute. Some of the seeds have been forwarded to
 Florida to the Hon. D. Levy, for the purpose of be- rough, N. C., May 10th,
 ing cuitivated.
 Seeding, seed planters-U. Kilburn, Lawrence-
 ville, Penn., and F. Haines, Marietta, Penn., Dec.
 31st.
 MAKING ARTICLES IN HORN.-The handles for
 knives, razors, and other articles inoulded in lhorn, been commenced around the dangerous falls in the
 are thus made: The horn is first cut into appropri- Columbia river, at Willamette, by Dr. McLauglin, lightning appears to be occasioned by the combustion
 ate pieces with the saw, and when heated, these are
 prepared with a knife or spoke-shave, to the general
 form and size required; after which the pieces are
 pressed into moulds. Au idea of the mould will be
 conveyed by imagining two dies or pieces of melal, complete the work in two years, at a cost of thirty
 parallel on their outer surfaces, and with a cavity thousand dollars. His charter, procured from the
 sunk entirely in the one, or partially in each, gccor- Oregon Legislature is for twenty-one years, It is being forced together by the whole weight of the
 ding to circumstances: it is made either straight, said that the improvenment which will be effected in atinosphere, greatly constrict each other; but their Me., Anril 10th.
 carved, twisted, rounded, bevelled, &e., of it is en-
 graved with some device, according to the pattern of of the canal will. of itself, fully reward the commu- acquired. A centrifugal force being thus established,
 the work to be produced. The pressure is applied nity for the privilege conferred by the Legislature.
 to the dies by enclosing them in a kind of clamp
 made with a strong pair of nut crackers, but with a
 powerful screw at the end opposite to the joint ; the
 mould, dies, and horn. are dipped into boiling water
 or a few minutes, and then screwed as fast as possi- singularity of his sitters. A certnin man eame to produced by that portion of the sonorous circle Sth.
 ble immediately on removing the sam
 about twenty mninutes the work is ready for fioish- all included in a fumily piece. It was but one
 ing: some handles are made of two pieces joinesd to- thing," said he, and that is the portrait of my first
 gether.
 IMPROVEMENT IN OREGON-Already has a canal
 CAUSE OF SOUND IN THUNDER.-Thunder is one
 of the consequences resulting from lightning, and Me., Nov. 18th.
 Seeding, sowing machines-Ean Fisk, Fayette,
 You throw a stone up in the air,
 And down it comes-ker-whaek !
 The centrafugal easts it np-
 The centripetalback.
 My eyes! I can't discover how
 One objeet 'traets another;
 Unless they love each other, lke
 A sister and a brother,
 Smut Machine-Meredith Mallory, Mount Mor-
 ris. N. Y. Jan. 20th.
 Smut Machine-Jacob W. Brown, Mount Airy,
 an American citizen. Its length will be about hall of some of the inflamable particles of air; or accor-
 a mile, part of the way through a solid bed of pri-
 mitive rock, und the fall in the entire distance will ding to more recent opinions, of a condensation of
 be about thirty-five feet. The projector expects to
 aerial matter conduciug to electricity, by which in N. C. Feb. 28th.
 either case, a vacum is created. The sorrounding
 atoms which remaia uninfluenced by this change, 2oth.
 Do. James M. Clarke, Strasburg, Penn., March
 Do. Samuel Scammon and R. Nason, Waterville,
 elastic nature causes them immediately to expand,
 and by this enlargement their sonorous property is 30th.
 Do. Elisha S. Snyder, Charleston, Va., April
 the navigation of the Columbia, by this construction
 I know the compans always points
 Direetly at the pole:
 Some say the north star causes this,
 And some say-Symms's Hole !
 Prehaps it does--prehaps it don't,
 Prehaps some other cause;
 Keep on prehapsing-who can solve
 Attraction's hidden laws 7
 Do. Henry B. James, Mount Holly, N. J., May
 17th.
 Do. Abraham Straub, Milton, Penn., May 17th.
 Do. Elisha W. Young, Parkman, Ohio, June 5th.
 Do. Thomas H. Nelson, Harriaburg, Penn., June
 it acts in all directions alike; but as the eircle ex-
 tends, its propulsive power becomes gradually dim-
 PORTRAIT PAINTING.-A portrait painter in large inished, till at last its presaure is no longer felt, nor
 practice might write a pretty book on the vanity and sound created. The rumbling noiso of thander is
 Do. James W. Webster, Luray, Va., June 5th.
 Do. John Pagin, Michigan City, Ia., Aag. 19th.
 Do. Jacob Groat, Troy, N. Y., Nov. 9th.
 Straw-Cutter-William Hovey, Worcester, Mass.
 Feb. 19th.
 Do. Hiram M. Smith, Richmond, Va., Feb.
 and in Copely, and had himself, his wife and seven children which strikes upon the earth, whence it becomes
 condensed : and, being lntercepted in its upward
 course by dense masses of vapor, it is again reflected,
 "But," said theand this alternate motion and reverbration continue,
 urtist, "ahe is dead you know, sir; what can I do? until the interuption ceases, or the original force is
 she is ooly to be admitted us an angel." Oh, no! exhausted. Echo is occasioned also by reverbration
 wife-for this one is my second."
 A ly lights on a 'lasses cup-
 Attraction bids him woo it,
 A SMOKE FILTER FOB LOCOMOTIVES.-An in-
 vention, which promises to be one of great utility, not at all," answered the other: "she must come in
 has been recently made by Mr. J. P. Deimpfil, a
 French gentleman, of inuch scientific talent.The added, but some timo elapsed hefore the person came
 invention consists of "an attachment" to the chim-
 ney of a locomotive, dividing it by a partition in Lwo
 parts or pa-sages, upward and downward, with a fly- Copely." he said; "an accilent befell my second intoxicating liquors, for which nobody ought to
 wheel at the bottom of the downward draft, and a
 layer of gravel or aand underneath the wheel. The hrr likeness ucluded in the family picture." The 200 pipes of gin, 100 puncheona of rum, 2000 pipes; Y June 5th.
 top of the chimney is closed, and the smoke and painter complied-the likeness was introduced-and half and quarter pipes of Madeira wine, 3000 caska
 cinders pass upward through one passnge to the top. the husband looked with a glance of satisfaction on
 then descending through the other, (a strong
 draught being made by the revolution of the fly-
 wheel, which is put in motion by the steam.) and
 all the refuse of the smoke pipe is retained by the accordingly, and had to bring an acrion at law to
 grand filter, and the heated air again passes into the obtain payment for the portraits which he had obli- merchants are also rudely put a stop to.
 furnaces.
 from one cloud to ahother.- Webster's Principles of 20th.
 Sound.
 Aud, when he's in, sttrection keeps
 The chap from paddling through it.
 Attraction lures the sot to drink,
 To all his troubles drowo;
 But when his legs give way, he falls,
 And 'traction keeps him down.
 Do. Eliakim Tay lor, Rochester, N. Y., Oct. 12th,
 Do. Ezra Taylor, Monroe, N. Y., Nov. 6th.
 Threshing Machine-Luther & Ezra Whitman,
 as a woman-no angels for me." The portrait was
 LIQUOR BURNTT.-Among the property destroyed
 by the late fire, in this city, was a large quantity of Winthrop, Me, March 20th.
 back; when ho returned, he had a stranger lady on
 his arm, Imust have another cast of your hand,
 Do. Charles W. Catheart, New Durham, Ind.,
 April 25th, and Frederick A. Stuart, Catharine, N.
 wife: this lady is my third, and she is come to have
 mourn.
 Attraction is a curious power,
 That none can understand:
 Its influence is everywhere-
 In water, sir and land.
 It operstes on every thing--
 The sen, the tides, the weather;
 And sometimes draws the sexes up,
 And binds them frat together.
 Threshing and Winnowing Machine, and Grain
 Separaters-Jacob V. A. Wemple, Mohawk, and
 George Westinghouse, Schoharie, N. Y., July 13th.
 Wionowing, Fanning Mill, for eleaning grain-
 Calvin O. Guernsey, Russia, N. Y. Oct. 12th.
 Winnowing, separating grain from atraw-Man
 ning Packard and Christian B. Packard, Clarendon
 N. Y., Nov. Sth.
 of port wine, 1000 Malaga, 1500 Marseilles, 1000
 claret, and 5000 baskets of Champaigne were con-
 sumed. How much more that is not told of, on
 account of the little aympathy the tale would excite,
 is not known. The operations of sundry large wine
 his thiree spouses. Not so the lady; she renonstra-
 ted; never was such a thing heard of-out her pred-
 ecessors myst go. The artist painted them out
 N. Y. Euangelist.
 terated.-Lafe of Cupely, Family Lbrary.
I bought this today. I'm not complaining, but 7€ it a lot for a newspaper...that's not even from this century...

I bought this today. I'm not complaining, but 7€ it a lot for a newspaper...that's not even from this century...

Were Through: 5:4 5:46 1 ve 7n ago important, but Check this out! Hello my friend. #Didyouknow Plexus Slim was originally developed for Type 2 Diabetes to balance blood sugar So, I'm sitting here watching the Cowboys game and reaching out to my friends who are diabetic. I don't know if anyone has ever talked to you about Plexus. I'm an Ambassador for it and am LOVING levels? It has helped some diabetics to reduce or even eliminate their meds. all the positives its had in my life. LA 2008 study showed over half the test group's blood sugar levels were lower in a week and ALL I found this and wanted to share. Let me know if youre interested in were lowered by the second week. more information. * All subjects lost weight and inches. I hope you have a Fantastic Turkey Day. Know anyone with DIABETES?? You could possibly change their PLEXUS AND DIABETES (& world with Plexus Slim! hypoglycemia!) And get this! Even those with hypoglycemia (low blood sugar) can benefit from Slim and the Triplex combo because the chromium in it helps to balance your blood sugar! I always thought that once you were diagnosed with diabetes that the only way to keep you blood sugars in the normal range were through diet and prescription meds. Those things are very important, but Check this out! *Plexus is a supplement company and does not claim to treat or cure #Didyouknow Plexus Slim was originally developed for Type 2 Diabetes to balance blood sugar illness or disease. levels? Aa Aa This was a thanksgiving assault by a predatory (now) former friend hunasaurus. I am extremely insulin dependent and it nearly caused me to go on a rampage
Were Through: 5:4
 5:46 1
 ve 7n ago
 important, but Check this out!
 Hello my friend.
 #Didyouknow Plexus Slim was
 originally developed for Type 2
 Diabetes to balance blood sugar
 So, I'm sitting here watching the
 Cowboys game and reaching out
 to my friends who are diabetic. I
 don't know if anyone has ever
 talked to you about Plexus. I'm an
 Ambassador for it and am LOVING
 levels?
 It has helped some diabetics to
 reduce or even eliminate their
 meds.
 all the positives its had in my life.
 LA 2008 study showed over half
 the test group's blood sugar levels
 were lower in a week and ALL
 I found this and wanted to share.
 Let me know if youre interested in
 were lowered by the second week.
 more information.
 * All subjects lost weight and
 inches.
 I hope you have a Fantastic Turkey
 Day.
 Know anyone with DIABETES??
 You could possibly change their
 PLEXUS AND DIABETES (&
 world with Plexus Slim!
 hypoglycemia!)
 And get this! Even those with
 hypoglycemia (low blood sugar)
 can benefit from Slim and the
 Triplex combo because the
 chromium in it helps to balance
 your blood sugar!
 I always thought that once you
 were diagnosed with diabetes that
 the only way to keep you blood
 sugars in the normal range were
 through diet and prescription
 meds. Those things are very
 important, but Check this out!
 *Plexus is a supplement company
 and does not claim to treat or cure
 #Didyouknow Plexus Slim was
 originally developed for Type 2
 Diabetes to balance blood sugar
 illness or disease.
 levels?
 Aa
 Aa
This was a thanksgiving assault by a predatory (now) former friend hunasaurus. I am extremely insulin dependent and it nearly caused me to go on a rampage

This was a thanksgiving assault by a predatory (now) former friend hunasaurus. I am extremely insulin dependent and it nearly caused me t...

Were Through: ** /pol/ - Women, Whores - Politica x O You're Bad at Social Media! #68 A Not secure -> boards.4chan.org/pol/thread/235717836/women-whores diy / fa / fit / gd / hc / his / int / jp / lit / mlp / mu /n/ news / out / po / pol / qst / sci / soc / sp / tg / toy [Settings] [Search] [Mobile] [Home] [a /b/c/d/e/f/g/ gif / h/ hr / k/m/o/p/r/s/t/u/v/ vg / vr trv / tv / vp / wsg / wsr / x] [Edit] / w/ wg] [i / ic] [r9k / s4s / vip / qa] [cm / hm / Igbt / y] / aco / adv / an / asp / bant / biz / cgl / ck [3 co >bump /pol/ - Politically Incorrect [Post a Reply] 05/04/17 New trial board added: /bant/ - Intemational/Random 10/04/16 New board for 4chan Pass users: /vip/ - Very Important Posts 06/20/16 New 4chan Banner Contest with a chance to win a 4chan Pass! See the contest page for details. [Hide] [Show All 11/3/9/2 [Return] [Catalog] [Bottom] [Update] [O Auto] 2 new posts File: SA.png (4 KB, 270x200) O Women, Whores Manwhore !luk9X/vadPAH (ID: aqK3NDV8 ) E 12/10/19(Tue)01:04:15 No.235717836 > >235718491 Alright /pol/, I've wanted to do a thread on this awhile because whenever I see threads about how all women are whores, etc, I'm disgusted with them, but simultaneously I'm someone who's contributing . I'm a younger guy in my mid 20s who make great money with 2 small businesses. I got into them at a really young age and worked really hard, now I'm basically a whore magnet. Some have just wanted to fuck me and sleep with me I guess because they know I do well for myself and they're looking for me to support them somehow with vacations, life perks, maybe nice dinners out or whatever. (Not pregnancy, I got a reversible vasectomy to make sure that never happened). But more of them, I've just found it simpler to pay for the sex through a SB/SD arrangement than it is to deal with new girls/dating/whatever the fuck you want to call it. I'm on SeekingArrangement, and l've probably slept with 40-50 girls total in my life, 90% of them were through SA. You can sort by hair color, ethnicity, age, body type, it's literally shopping for the ideal fuck, and all the girls on there are complicit. SeekingArrangement So many of them have profiles that say "not looking for sex" or something to that affect, but as soon as you get into messaging/texting them a bit, it's always just about how much you're paying. The biggest aspect to this cognitive dissonance is whenever I'm on the site, browsing, I feel a sense of disgust for many of the women on there. Their tattoos are distasteful, you can tell they've had too much plastic surgery, you can tell which ones have taken miles of cock, and which ones are 'fresher meat on the site, you can tell who has lots of daddy issues, you have plenty who are hitting that wall, and they know it, everything's there Manwhore !luk9X/vadPAH (ID: aqK3NDV8 ) E 12/10/19(Tue)01:06:02 No.235717938 > >>235718240 >>235718491 File: megan.jpg (769 KB, 3000x2250) I feel the disgust, but also continue to message them, take them to dinners, buy them drinks, and fuck them. It's the most fucked up cognitive dissonance I've ever had about any topic in my life. The sex is great, I ride them like cheap mules and do whatever fucked up sexual shit I want to do, and they love every minute of it (or so it seems, idk) Just didn't have anywhere else to vent/rant/complain about this shit, women are whores, I know it as a truth in my heart, yet I keep fucking them and it's a cycle of self loathing and frustration at how they are, but then I realize, the one perpetuating it and making it a problem. >> Anonymous (ID: ÞPELLQD9 ) E 12/10/19(Tue)01:10:42 No.235718175 > >>235718434 Kys OP 1:21 AM O Type here to search 12/10/2019 This man is a legend
Were Through: ** /pol/ - Women, Whores - Politica x
 O You're Bad at Social Media! #68
 A Not secure
 ->
 boards.4chan.org/pol/thread/235717836/women-whores
 diy / fa / fit / gd / hc / his / int / jp / lit / mlp / mu /n/ news / out / po / pol / qst / sci / soc / sp / tg / toy
 [Settings] [Search] [Mobile] [Home]
 [a /b/c/d/e/f/g/ gif / h/ hr / k/m/o/p/r/s/t/u/v/ vg / vr
 trv / tv / vp / wsg / wsr / x] [Edit]
 / w/ wg] [i / ic]
 [r9k / s4s / vip / qa] [cm / hm / Igbt / y]
 / aco / adv / an / asp / bant / biz / cgl / ck
 [3
 co
 >bump
 /pol/ - Politically Incorrect
 [Post a Reply]
 05/04/17 New trial board added: /bant/ - Intemational/Random
 10/04/16 New board for 4chan Pass users: /vip/ - Very Important Posts
 06/20/16 New 4chan Banner Contest with a chance to win a 4chan Pass! See the contest page
 for details.
 [Hide] [Show All
 11/3/9/2
 [Return] [Catalog] [Bottom] [Update] [O Auto] 2 new posts
 File: SA.png (4 KB, 270x200)
 O Women, Whores Manwhore !luk9X/vadPAH (ID: aqK3NDV8 ) E 12/10/19(Tue)01:04:15 No.235717836 > >235718491
 Alright /pol/, I've wanted to do a thread on this awhile because whenever I see threads about how all women are whores, etc, I'm disgusted with them, but simultaneously I'm someone who's contributing . I'm a
 younger guy in my mid 20s who make great money with 2 small businesses. I got into them at a really young age and worked really hard, now I'm basically a whore magnet. Some have just wanted to fuck me
 and sleep with me I guess because they know I do well for myself and they're looking for me to support them somehow with vacations, life perks, maybe nice dinners out or whatever. (Not pregnancy, I got a
 reversible vasectomy to make sure that never happened). But more of them, I've just found it simpler to pay for the sex through a SB/SD arrangement than it is to deal with new girls/dating/whatever the fuck you
 want to call it. I'm on SeekingArrangement, and l've probably slept with 40-50 girls total in my life, 90% of them were through SA. You can sort by hair color, ethnicity, age, body type, it's literally shopping for the
 ideal fuck, and all the girls on there are complicit.
 SeekingArrangement
 So many of them have profiles that say "not looking for sex" or something to that affect, but as soon as you get into messaging/texting them a bit, it's always just about how much you're paying. The biggest
 aspect to this cognitive dissonance is whenever I'm on the site, browsing, I feel a sense of disgust for many of the women on there. Their tattoos are distasteful, you can tell they've had too much plastic surgery,
 you can tell which ones have taken miles of cock, and which ones are 'fresher meat on the site, you can tell who has lots of daddy issues, you have plenty who are hitting that wall, and they know it, everything's
 there
 Manwhore !luk9X/vadPAH (ID: aqK3NDV8 ) E 12/10/19(Tue)01:06:02 No.235717938 > >>235718240 >>235718491
 File: megan.jpg (769 KB, 3000x2250)
 I feel the disgust, but also continue to message them, take them to dinners, buy them drinks, and fuck them. It's the most fucked up cognitive dissonance I've ever had about any topic in my life. The sex is great, I ride them like
 cheap mules and do whatever fucked up sexual shit I want to do, and they love every minute of it (or so it seems, idk) Just didn't have anywhere else to vent/rant/complain about this shit, women are whores, I know it as a truth in
 my heart, yet I keep fucking them and it's a cycle of self loathing and frustration at how they are, but then I realize,
 the one perpetuating it and making it a problem.
 >>
 Anonymous (ID: ÞPELLQD9 ) E 12/10/19(Tue)01:10:42 No.235718175 > >>235718434
 Kys OP
 1:21 AM
 O Type here to search
 12/10/2019
This man is a legend

This man is a legend

Were Through: Roses are red, 0 have a gun no, I sweart Hey, I ean tly He ean fly He ean flyt He ean taik That's right, faall Now Im a lying, taiking dankey! You might have seen house fly, maybe nvan a supartly. But I bat yau ain't never seena denkey lyt Sain himt Get himt This wayl Hurry! You there. ogre. By the ardar af lerd Farquaad. I am authorised ta plnee you beth under arrest. And transpart you to designated resattlement faeility. Oh really You and what amy Can I say something te yout Listen, you were really, really something, back there Ineredible. Are you talking to me Yes, I was talking to you. Can Ijust tell yeu that you were really great baek there with these guards. They thought that was all aver there. And then you showed up and BAM There was tripping on over themselves like babes in the woods. That realy made me feel gnod to see that oh, that's great. Really. Man, It's good te be free New, why den't you go eelebrate your freedom with yeur awn friends? But . I den't have any teiands. And Im nat going out there by mysalt, Hay wait a minute I have a great ide. stiek with yeu. Yeu and me in green ighting machine. Tagether we'll seare the spin if anybody erasses us. oh, a, that was really seary Maybe you den't mine me saying I that dont wark, yeur breath will eertainly de the jab dene, 'eause.. you definitively need some tie-tae er samething, eause your breath atink Man you ve 777 my netel Just lke the time and then I ate some ratten berries Man I had some streng gases leaking out af my but that day. Why are yeu fallewing ma? l tell you why. Cause I'm all alene, there is ne one here, beside me. y prebiems have all gene. There's ne one te derive me. But you get te have freeStep singingt well, its ne wender, you den't have any friends Wowt Only a true friend wauld be that truly hanest. Listenl Litle donkey Take a leok at mel What am 17 A really tall? Nal Im an ogre. You knaw, grab your terch and pitehtarkn Deesn't that bother yau? Nape Really? Really really on? Man, I like yeu What's your name? A Shrek. Shrek But de you know, what I like abeut you, Shrek? Youve get that kind at den't eare what nobady thinks af me thing I like that, I respeet that, Shrek. Yours all right. U, laak at that. Whe would wanna live in a place like that? That would be my hame. on, it is lavely. Just beautiful. Yeu know you're quite a dacaratar 's amaring what you did with such a modest budgat. I like that baulder. That is a niee boulder. I guess, you den't entertain mueh, da you? 1ke my privaey. Yeu knew I de te. That's anather thing, we hav in eomman. Like I hate it when you get samabedy in yous face. Yau try to give them a hint and they wont ieave. and then there's that big accurred silenee, you knowt Can I stay with you? What? Can I stay with you, please. of course! Really? No Please! I don't want to go back there You don't how is like to be concerned like a freak. Wellmaybe you do But that's why we have to stick togethert You got to let me stay! Please Please! OK, oK But ane night anly Huh, thank you! A, what are you do Not This is going to be fun We ean stay up late, swap the manly stories And in the morning. m making waffies Where de I sieapt Outside! Oh, a, I guess that's ennl. You know, I dan't know yau and you dan't know me e i guess, outside is best far me Hare I go. Gand night. I de like that half doer. I'm a denkey all alane autside. Sit by mysalf outside, I guess I'm all alene, there's ne ane here baside me. thought, I tald yeu to stay outsideIam autside. Well Jamas This is far from the farm, but what ehoiee de we have? 's nat.. What a lovely bed Gat you I found some cheese Awtul stuff,is that you Gordon? How did you knew? Enough: what are you daing in my house? Oh, no, mo, no Death prods off the tablet Wwhere would we supposed to put her The bed's taken. What? 1 ive in a swamp. Ive put up signs Im a terrilying ogret what do I have to da, to get a little privaay? Oh, nat Ne, mot What are you daing in my swamp? All right, get out of here All af you Mave itt Came on, let's go. And hurry u, hurry up No, no, nat there. Nat theret Hay don't leak at me I didn't invita them. Oh gesh, no ans invited us What We ware foreed to eoma here. By whe? Lard Farquand He 777 All right who knaws where this Farquand guy is? On I de. I knaw where he is Deas anyene alse knaw whern to find him? Anyone at all? Me. Anyene? Oh pick me, I knewt Me, ma. O, ine. Attantion all fairy tale thingst Da nat get eamfortable. Your weleome is affielally warned up. In faet. m gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get all otf my land and back where you eame fram. You. You're coming with me All right That's what ike to hear, man Shrek and Denkey, twe stuborn friends aff en a world and big eity adventure. I love it. Fm en read again Sing with me Shrekt Im on road again. what dida 1 say about singing an I whistie?-No. Wall, ean I hummert-All right. That's enough He's ready to taik Run, run, run as fast as you ean, you ean't eateh me. Im the gingerbread man. You manster. Im nat a monster here. You arn Yeu and the rest at that fairytale trash, paisening my perfeet ward Now tell me Where are the athera? Eat me Ive tried to he fair ta you, ereatures. Naw my patiense has reached its end Tail mat or I'l Na, na, not the buttons. Nat gumdrep buttons. All rightt whe's hiding them? O, I'll tell you. Da you know the mulfin-man-The maffin-man-The mulfin-man Yas, I knew the muffin-man. Whe lives on Proully lana? Well, she's married to the muffin-man. -The mulfin-man -The mufin-mant-She's married to the muffin-man. My lerd! We feund it. Well then, what are you waiting farn Bring it in. Magie mirror. Ban't tall him anything Evening Mirror, mirrer on the wall. Is this not the mast perfeet kingdam af them all? Wall, teehnieally, you'e nat a king falanious You were saying what I maan is you're not a king, yet. But you ean become ane. All you have to de, is marry princess a on Se, just sit back and relax my lard, because its time for you to meat taday's eligiale bachelorettes. And here they are Bachelaretta number one isa mentally abused shading from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hottubbing anytime Her hobbies include eookingg and eleaning for two evil sisters Please weleeme inderalla Baeheinrette numbar twe is a kemp weearing gir fram a land af fantasy. Atheugh she lives with seven ather man, she is nnt easy. Junt is harn dead freen lips and find aut what a live wife she is Came an. Give it up for. Shwwhite. And last but eertainly nat inast. Bacheleratte number three is a fire breathing 177, dragen guarded eastie, surroundnd by a hat bailing lava But den't let that enal you af she's leaded pistal who likes Pina Coladas and getting cut in the rain Yours fer the rescuing, Prineess Flona. So will it be, bachelorette number one? Bachelorette number twa? Or bachelarette number three? Twa Three Twal One No, mo, no Three Piek number three my lard. O, ok Number three Lord Farquand You've ehasen princess Fiona Shes niee. Fiona. She's perfect, All I have te do is just find someone. But I probably should mention little thing that happens at aight do itt Yes, ut after sunset..sileneal I will make this prineass Finna my queen And Duloe will finally have the perfeet king Captaint Assemble your finest man. We're gaing to have a tourmamentt That's , that's, right there, that's Dulee Ive tald you Fill find it. So. That must be lard Farquand's eastle. Aha, that's the plnce D yau think maybe hes eompensating tor something Hey, hay wait up Shrak Hay, yout Na, nal Wait second Look, I'm nat gonna eat you Ijust.. e's qulet. Tee quiet. where is everybodyt Hay leok at this Wewt Let's do that again. Ne. ne. All right Yeu're geing the right way fer amack bottom. Serry about that. That ehampion should have the henor, ne, nothe privilege to go ferth and reseue the levely prineess Fiana from the fireing keep of the dragen I for any reason the winner is unsuecesstul, the first runner up will take his place And se on, and so farth. Soma af you may die, but it's a saerifiee Im willing te make Applause. Let the taurnamant bagin What is that? ugh, its hideous. On, that's not very niee. 's just a dankey. Indeed. Knights Naw plan. The ane, whe kills the ogre, will be namad champian. How about him on, hey Naw, eeme on Can't wejust sattle this ever a pint? Net All right then. Come on Hey Shrekt Let me, let mat The ehair Give him the ehair Thank yeou Thank you, very meh. m here until Thursday Try the whealt Shall give the erder air Ne. I have hatter ides Peepie at Dulee. Igive yeu sur champlon! What Cangratultion, ogre. Youve won the honar at ambarking on a great and nohle quast. Quest m airendy an a quest. A quest to get my swamp backt-Yaur swamp? -Yeah, my swampt Where yau dumped those tairytale ereatures. Indend. All right ogre, I'll make you a deal. Go an this quest fer me and l give you your swamp back Eaetly the way it was? Dewn to the last slime cavered teast toel And the squattersa As goed as gone What ind of quest? o, let meget this straight We gonna go find the dragon and reneue a princess just so Farquand will give you back the swamp, whieh you only don't have, 'eause he filled it with full af treaks on the first place Is that abeut right You knew what? Maybe there is a good reason, denkeys shoulen't talk I dan' gt it shrek. Why dida't you just pull some ald ogre stut on them Yeu know, 177. Grak his bones to make you brave. You know the whele ogre triek Oh, yeu knew what. Mayhe I eeuld have deeapitated entire village and put their heads on plate Gat a knife, et apen their spiens and drink theie fluids Dees that sound good to yeu? A, ne, nat really, ne. Fer your infarmation, there is lat mare te ogres than people think Example. -Esample Ox, A-am ogres are like aniens They stink? Yes, no o, they make you ery Ne O, you leave them out on the sun and they get all brown and start 7 litle wild hairs? Nat Layerst Onions have layers ogres have layers onions have layers. You get it we bath have layers. o, you both have layers. You know not averybody likes enions Cabe! Everybody laves eakes Cakes have layers I don't eare what everyone likes ogres are net like cakes You know what alse averyone likeat Pafe. Have you ever mat a parsen and yau say "Hey, let's get same pattea" and thay say 1 don't like paffe. Patfe is deleinus. Nat You tenaed, ieritating, miniature peace af barden. ogras are like onions End at stary. ye, bye. See you lather. Patte is maybe the mast delieious thing an the whele damn planat. You know Ithink Ive preterred your humming Da you have a tiasun ar somathing, eause I'm making a mess Just the ward paffe has made me start slimyingWhy, Shrek, did you do that? Man you get to warn semebody befare you just erack one off. My mouth was apened and everything Believe me donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. It's brimatone We must be getting elose. Yeah, right, brimstone Dan't be talking 77 brimstene. I know what I smell and 77 no brimstone And they don't came of stone neither Sure it's big anough, but look at the loeation on, Shrek, remembar whan you said that ogres have layerst oh, yeah Wall, I have a eanfession to make. Dankeys dowt have layars We wear 717 aleaves Wait a second. Dankeys dont have sieeves. You know what I mean. Oh, you eant tall me yeu're afraid of highs No, I'm just little aneamfortable of being ena riekety idge aver bailing lake of laval Came on dankey, I'm right here beside you ok For amational support. We'll just hackle this thing together one little baby step atter time Reallyt Really realy. o That makes me feel se much batter Just eep moving and den't lonk dawn Don't leek dewn, dent lInok down Shrekr Im leoking dewnt I ean't de this Just let me aft right now, please But youre aiready half way -Yeah, but Iknow that halt is safe. Ok, tine. 1 den't have time fer this You ge baek Shrek, no, wait. Dant de thatt On, Im serry. Da what? -oh Thist -Yes, thatt Yes, yes De it OK No, Shrek I'm daing it. ganna die. I'mgonna die. Shrek, rmgenns die. That will do Denkey, that will do. Ceal. Sa where is this fire breathing Ppain in the neck anyway? Inside. Waiting fer us te reseue her I was talking about the dragen Shrek Are yau afraid Na, but shhbhh. Oh, goed Me neither Beeause there's nothing wrong with baing afraid. Here's asomething respensiblee at the situation Mat ta mentien dangeraus situation. And there's dragen that breathes fire. I'm sure hes meaner than a eow or anythingg, but they're seare. You knaw what I mean I'm sure he's heavier than a cew.. Dankey. Twa things oT Shut, up Now ge ever there and see it you ean find any stairs. Stairs?thought we were laoking fer the prineess The prineess will be up the stairs in the highest roem in the tallest tewer. What makes you think she'll be theret I read it in a hook once. Coal. Yau handie the dragon, 'l handle the stairs Oh, r'll find those stairs I't 77. That's right Those stairs wen't know which way they ge The drafting stairs, 177 Don't mess with me m the stair master I'm master of the stairs. I wish I had a stair right here right here now, rd step all aver it, Well, at least we know where the princess is. But whare is the Dragon Donkay, look out! Gat you Oh, what large teeth you have. Imean, white sparkling teeth. You probably hear this all the ima from your fend, but you must bleach yourselt, beeause that is ane dashing amile yeu got thare. And de I deteet the hint af minty freshnesss? And you know what alset You're agirl dragon. Oh, sure. I mean 'eourse you're a giel dragen, 'eause you're just rieking the feminine beauty eut. What's the matter with you? De you have somathing in yeur eye Man, I'd really lave to stay, ut yeu know Im a asthmatie and I dan't knew if we waald wearked eut Youd be biewing smoke and staff, Shrekt No, Shrek! Shrekt Wake up! What? Are you princess Flanat I am Awaiting a knight sa bald as to rescue me. Oh, that's nice Now leet's go But wait, mir knight. This be our first meeting Should not be wonderful, ramantic mament? Yeah Sorry lady there's no time Hey, what are you daing7 You know, you should sweep me out of my feet out through the window and down the rope by to your valued steed You've had a let af tima to plan this, havent you? Uh um Eut we have to sing through this mament. You can rasiding af a peam to m. A ballad, a sonnet, a libretti or something I den't think so wall, ean i at least knaw a aame at my ehampiant Shrek So, Shrek. I pray that yeu take this favor as a taken at my gratitude. Thanks. Yau dida't alay the dragon nat my jos ta da this Now, eome enl But this isn't right. 7 That's what all the ather knights did Yaah Right befere they burst in the fiame That's nat the paint Wait. Where are yeu goingt Exit is over there Wall, I have to save my ass What ind of anight are you? One af a bindrush inte a physieal relationship. Im not that emetionalily ready fer eemmitment of a this magnitude That was the word I was leeking for Magnitude. Hey, that is unwanted physieal eontact. Hey, what are you deing? o, ek, let's just back up a little and take this one step at the time Imaan, we really should gat to know each ather first, you know what am I saying As triends, maybe aven as 77 Hey dont de that. That's my tail That's ma personal tal. And you re going to tear it of. oh, mo. Nat It talks Yeah 'sgetting te shut up, that's a triek ok, you twe Head far the exit. r take eare of thee dragon Ruuuuun! You did it. You reseued me. Amising, yau're wonderfal. You re a little unesthades I admit, but by deed is great and by heart is pure. I'm entirely in yaur debt And where would a brave knight he without his nable stend. I hepe you heard that. She ealled me a nohle steed. She thinks m a stend. The battle is won. You may remove rour helmat gend sir knight. Aah, na. Why not7 I have helmat hair. Please I wouldst leak upen the face of my reseuer on, ne, you wouldn't, dust. But, hew will you kis met What That wasnt in a jab deseription. Maybe it's perk No. It's destiny. You munt know how it goes. A prinees locked in a tower and besieged by a dragon is rescued by arave knight. And then they share true love's first kiss With Shreek? You think, wait you think Shrek is your true leve? Wall, yes You think that Shrek is your true love What in so funny? Lat's just say, I'm nat your type, ak7 of caurse you are. You're my rescuer Naw, now remove your helmet, Laok I really don't think this is a gad idea Just take off the heaimat. m natgaing te -Take it aftt Nat-Nawt -ok, easy. As yeu eammand yaur highness. Yau're an ogre Oh, you ware espeeting Prinee Chaming. Well, yes, aetually. Oh na. This is all wrong Yeu're nat supposed to be an ogre. Prineess, I was sent to rescue yeu by iand Farquaad, ek? He's the ane, whe wants to mary yau. Well, then why didn't he eame te reseun met Gond question. Yau should ask him that, whan we get there But I have to be rescued by my true lave Not by some ogre and his pet. Well so much fer noble steed Look princess Youre not making my job any easier. Well Fm sorry, but your job is not my preblem You ean tel land Farqusad that it he wants to reseue me properly, ll be waiting for him right here Hay, Im no ones messenger boy, all righ ma delivery bay You wouldnt dare You ceming donkey? Put me down Yeah, rm right behind you Put me down ar you will suffer the eonsequnnens This is net dignified. Put me dewn. O, here's anether qunstion Lets ay that a woman digged yeu, but yau den't really like her, that way. Now, haw yeu let her dewn real easy, sa her feelings aren't hurt? But you den't gat burned to a erisp neither. Haw de you de this? Just tell her, she's nat your trun lave. Everyane knews it what happens when yau find... Mayt The seaner we get to Dule, the batter. oh, yeah. You gonna love it there princess t's beautifal. And what of my gream te be, lerd Farquaad. what's he like? Well, let me put it this way, prineess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply. Oh ne, Shrek There are these whe think little af him. Stap it. Step it, both of you Yeu know, yau're just jealous that you ean never measure up te great ruler like lard Farquaad. Yeah Well maybe you're right prineess. But l'd like you de that measuring when you see him tamorrow Tamarrow It will take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make eamp7 Ma. That would take longer. we ean keep geing But there are rabbers in the woeds. Whan, time aut Shrek Camp is definitely something that sounds good. Hay. Come on. I'm searier than anything we're ganna see in this forest. I need ta find samewhare ta eamp, nowt Hay, aver here. Shrek, we ean do batter than that. Naw, I den't think this is decent fer princess. Na, ne, it's perteet It just needs a few homey touches Homey touches? Like whatt A door Well, gentleman I'll be dgoed night oe you want me to eome in and read you a bedtime stery, eause I will. I sald geod nightt Shrek What are you deing? 1just., ynu knaw. oh, eome an, I was jast kidding And that one, that's Throwkack. The only ogre to ever spit over three wheat fields might. Yeah Hey, ean yeu tell my future ferm these stars? Well, the stars den't tell the future, Denkey. Thay tell staries. Laok There's Blodns, the "Fiatulent" You can guess what he is fam ous for All right, Now I know you're making this up. No. Laok There he is and there's the group of hunters running away from his atag Man, there aint nothing, but a buneh af little dats. You know donkey, samatimas things are mare than they appear Forget it. Hay Shrek What are you gonna do when we get our swamp back, aRyway? ur wamp? -You know. when were through reseuing the prineess and all that stutf. Wat Donkey, there is ne we Theres no our. Thare's just me and my swamp. And the first thing m genna de, is build a ten foot wall areund my land. You eut me desp Shrak, you eut me real deep just now. You knew, whatI think? 1 think this whole wall thing is just a way ta knep somebedy eut. Mo, do you think? Are you hiding something Naver mind Dankey. On, this is anether ane of those onion things, isn't it? No. This is ane of those drop it and leave it alane things Why don't you want to talk abeout it? Why de you want to talk about it7 oh, why you bleck? 'm not blecking Oh yes you are Donkey, I'm warning you WhG are you trying to keep out? Just tall me that 5hrek Who Everyone, ok? oh, naw we're getting somewhere on, for the lave at pit Hey, what's your problem Shrek? What de you got gainst the whale world anyway7 Leok. Fm not the ane with the problem, ak sthe world that seems to have a prablem with me. Paople take ane lonk at me and gai AAA. Helpt Run A big stupid ugly ogre. Thay judge me, satare they aven know ma. That's why m beattar aff alene. Yau knaw what? Whan we mat, didn't think yau're just a big stupid, ugly ogre. Yeah, I knaw. Se, a. Are there any denkays up there? Wall, there's a Cabby. The amall and annoying o, ok I see him, now. ig ahining one, right there. That one, over there? That's the moon Again Show me again Mirrer, mirror, shaw her to me Show me the prineess Perfect. Yeah You know I like like that. Oh came on baby.. Donkey Wake up What? Wake up. Morning How do you like your eggs? Geod morming prineess What's all this about You know, we kind of got af to a bad start yesterday and I wanted te make it up te you 1 mean, aftar all, yau did reseue me. Thanks Well, eat up. We've gat big day ahead of us Shrnl What? sa eampliment. Better eut than in I always say. But that's no way te bahave in frant of a prineass. Thanks She's as nasty as you are. Yau know. You're nat eactly what I've peeted. Well, maybe you shouldnt judge peaple bafare you gat to know tham. Prineess What are you deing 77men shery, fari am yaur saviour. And I am reseuing you from this green heast Hayt That's my princess Go find your awn Please, menster Can't you see I'm a littie busy here? Leok, pal 1 dont knaw whe you think you are. Oh, af eourse. Haw rude that was Please, let me intreduce myseif. Oh marry ment Man, that was anneying Oh, you litle Shall wet 17ail the ferint7 Whea, held on, now where did that eome fromt-Whatt -That. Eack there. That was amaring where did you learn that? Weln, when one lives alene ene has to learn theese things in ease there's a. There is an arrow in your butt. What7 Oh, would yeu loak at that. Oh, na.. This is all my fault. Im so serry What's wrong? Shreks hurt. Shrek's hurt? Shrek's hurtt oh, ma. Shrek's geing to die. Dankey, l' ck Yau eant de this to me Shrek. Fm toe young fer you to die. Keep yeur lege elevated. Turn your head 777. Does anyone knaw hew te handie. Dankeyt Calm down I yau want to help Shrek, run into woeds and find mea blue lower with red tharms. Blue flewer, red therns. Ok, rm on it. Blue flower, red thoms. Bie flewer, red therns. Don't din Shrek. And it yeu see a leng tunnel, stay away from the light-Dankeyt -Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flewer, red therens. Blue lawer, rad tharns What are the fiewers far For getting rid af the Dankey. Now, you held still and ril yank this thing ut. -May! Easy with the yanking m sary, but it has to eame out. Ne, ne. It's tender What you're daing here is the opposite.. Don't mave. ok, leak. Time aut, Would you. OWhat de you propese we da? lue flewer, red therns. lue lawer, red thorns Biue flewer, red thorns. This would be so much easier it I wasn't colertblind Blue flewer, red therns. Blue fiower, red thorns Hald on, Shrek Im coming Nat good O, a, I can lose it. I's just abeut it. Nething happened. We were just a. Look it yeu want to b alene, all you had to de is ask, ak? Oh, eame an. That's the last thing an my mind. The prineess here was just. Au Hay, what's thatt is that.. Thare it is, prineess.-Yaur future awaits you -That's Dulae? Yeah I know. You'll shrink things lard Farquaad is eompensating far something, whieh I think needs, he has iguess we battar meve on. Sure, hut ShrekI'm warrind about Dankey. Whatt I mean. Laak at him. He doesn't lank sa goad What are you talking about? Im fine Well, that's what they always say. And the next thing you know you're on your baek Dend You know she's right You leak awful. Do you want to sit down You know, ril make you up some tea Well, I won't say nothing, but I've got this twinge in my neck And it I turn my neck like this, look Au, see He's hungry r'l find us some dinner. -rlget the firewood Hey, where are you gaing? oh man, I eant feel my thumbs I don' have any thumball! I think I nend a hug This isgead. This is really goad. What is thist Wheat rat. Ratisserie style. Me kidding on, this is delieious. Wall, they alsa great in staws Now, I don't mean to brng, but I make amaan whant rat staw. Iguess Fll ba dining a little different laten tamarow night. Maybe you ean eome visit me in the awamp sometime. l eak all kinds of stuff for yau. Swamp teast, soup ish, aya tartar. You nama it. rd like that A prineesst -Yes, shrek? rm aIwas wondering Are you Are you genna eat that? Man, isn't this remantie Just leok at that sunset. Sunset7! On, ne t's late It's very late What? Wait a minute. 1 see what's geing on here. Your re afraid of the dark Aren't you? Yes, yes. That's it. That's, I'm terrified You know ll better ge inside But den't feel bad, prineess I used to be afraid ot the dark teo Until Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark Gead night, Gond night. Ahh. Naw I really see what's going on hare. Oh, what are you talking abaut Hay I den't wanna even hear. Laok, I'm an animal and Igat instinets And I knaw that you twe are digging on each ather. 1 ean feel it. Oh, you're erasy. I'm just bringing her back to Farqud Oh, eama on, Shrak. Wake up and small the fairamanes Just go in there and tel har haw you feel. There's nething te tell. esides, even if I did tell her thatwall yeu knaw tm not saying that 1 de, eause I den't She's a prineess and m an ogre Yeak, n ogre. Hay , whare are you geing? -To get mere tirewood Princess Princess Fiena? Prineess, whare are yeu? Prineess? 's very spooky in here and are we playing littie games Ne, ne. Helpt Shreat shrakt Ne Shrakt-'s e 's a.What did you de with the prineess? Denkey, shhh 'm the prinens.t me, in this ody. ah my ged. Yau ate the prineess. can yau hear met Dankeyl Listen, keep breathing Fl get you eut of there! Shrek Shrek Shrek! This is me Princess? What happened to you? Yau're ditferent. Fm uy, ok7 Yesh Was it something that you ate Cause I told Shrek those rats were a bad idea. You are what you eat, I say No. Ive been this way as long as I ean ramamber What do you mean? Leok, I've naver san you like this before It anly happeens when the sun goes down. By might ane way, hy day another. This shall be the norm until yeu find true leve's first iss Then, take leve's true term.. , thats benutiful. 1 didn't knaw you wrate poetry t's the spell When I was a little girl, a witeh east a spell en me. Every night beeeme this This horrible ugly beast. I was plneed in a tower to await the day when my true lave wauld reseue me. That's why I have to marry lerd Farqusad temarrow, bafere the sun sats and he sees me, like this? All right, all right calm down. Look, it's net that bad. You're not that ugly Wait, wait, rii not lie, you are ugly. But you anly look like this at night Shrek's ugly 24/7. But Donkey, rma princess And this is not haw a primcess is meant to look Princess. Haw about if you don't marry Farquaad? I have te Only my true love's kiss ean brake the spell. But you know, you're kind of an ogre And Shrek Well you've got a lot in common. Shrek? Princess, I How is it golng first af all Gaodt Good for me ta. m ak. I saw this fiewer and thought af you baeause it's pratty. And, wall, I den't really like , ut I thought you may like it, beeause yau re pretty. But Ilik you anyway. A.. m in trouhle. O, here we go. Who eauld ever lave a piece sa hideaus and ugly Prineass and ugly den't gn togather. That'swhy I eant stay here with Shrak, ut anly chanee to live happily ever after is ta marry my true leve. Don't you see, Donkey7 That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell. Well, at least you've get tell Shrek the truth. No, ne You eant breathe the word. No one must ever know. What's the paint of heing unable to talk? You get to keep seerets Promise you won't tell. Promise! You know, bafere this is over, I'm going te need whole lot af serious thermpies All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should Look at my eye twitehing I tell him, tell him nat. I tell him. I tell him neat. I tall himt Shrek Shrek! There's somathing I want Shrek. Are yau all right? Parfest. Naver bean batter. There's samathing I have to tall you You don't have to tall me anything, prinees I heard anough last night. Yeu've heard what I said?Every word. I thought you'd undeerstand? Oh, I understand! Like you said, wha eould lavs a hideaus, ugly bast 1thaught that waulda't matter to yau. Yeah, wall, it does A, right an time. Princess. I braught you a little samething What i missed? What imissed Prineess Fiona As promised. Naw hand it aver Very well, ogre. The deed to your swamp. Oleared out as agread. Take it and go Before I change my mind. Forgive me prineess for startling you, hut you startled me. For Ive never sean such a radiant benuty betare. am lerd Farquand. Lord Farquand? Oh, ne, no fergive me my lard for I was just saying short.. tarewell. Oh. That is se sweet. You den't have te raisegeod manners on the ogre it's not like it has feelings Ne Yeu're right. It daesn't, Prineess Fiena, beautifal fair flawiess Fiena, I ask yaur hand in marriage will you be the pertect bride fer the perfect graom7 Lerd Farquaad, I accept. Nathing would make Eeellent! I'll start the plans for tamorraw we wedd. Mel I mean Why wait Lat's get married teday. Befare aunset. Oh, anxieus are we Youre right. The sooner, the better. There's se mueh to de. There is the eamers, the eake, the band, the guests. Captain Round up same guests Farewall ogre. Shrek, what are you deingt You let her get away -Yeah, so what. Shrek Theres something about her that you den know. talked ta her iast night. she'Yeah I know ynu talked te har inst night. Yeu're great pal, aren't yout Now, if yau twe are sueh gend triend, why didnt you fellew he hame Shrek I want to go with you Itold yo, didn't You're nat coming home with me 1live alone, My swamp, me and nobady else! Understand? Nabedyt Especially useless, pathetie, annoying, talking donkayst -But I1thought. Yeah You know what? You thaught wrong shrek D onkay? What are you doing? I was thinking of all the people, you would recognise a wall when you see one. Well, yeah. But the wall supposed to go around my swamp Net through it. It is arnund your half. Sen? That's your halt and this is my half. Oh, yur half? Yes, my halt. I halpnd rescue the prinesss I did half the work Iget half the baoty. New hand me that big eld rock, the ane that lnoks like your head-Back offt Na. You back aff This is my swamp. Our swamp Lat go, Bankeyt-You lat gat Stubsern jackass mally ogre. Finet Hey, hey, eame back here. m nat through with you, yet. Wall, m through with yout Well, you know You were always me, me, me Well, guess what? Now it's my turn So you just shut up and pay attention! You aremean to me, you insult me, you don't appreciate anything that I dol Youre always pushing me around or pushing me away oh, yeah? Well, it I treated you se bad, how come you came back? Because that's what triend do. They forgive each ather Oh, yeah. Youre right Donkey 1fergive you far stabbing me in the back You're so wrapped up in layers, onien bay, Yaure afraid of your awn feelings Go away. Sae There you are, deing it again. Just like yau did it ta Fiana And all ahe aver de, was likn yeu. Maybe aven leve yau. Lave mat She said I was uglyt A hideaus ereature Iheard that you tw were talking She wasn't talking abaut you She was talking about. b ody alse She wast talking about mat Wall then, whe was she talking aboutt Na way, I'm not aaying anything You wont listen to me, right? Right? -Donkey Nat Ok, leek m serry, all right Im aerry. Iguess I am just a big stupid, ugly ogre. Can you forgive me? May, that's the friends are fer, right Right Friends? Friends Sot what did Fiona said abeut met Why are you asking me far? Why don't you just ge ask her The wedding We'll never make it in timet Never feart For where there is a will, there is a way And I have I way. Donkeyt -guess this is junt my aet af magnetism. Oh, eome hare, you. All right. All right. Dont get all started. No one likes kinsnss. All right, hop an. Hald on tight. I hadnt have a ehanee to install eat belts, yet. Paople af Duloe. We gather hare taday te bear witnnss to reunion of aur new kinggExcuse me. Could you just skip ahead to I da's" Ge on Go ahead and have same fun, it we need you, I'll whistle. How abaut that? Shrek, wait, wait a minute. You want to da this weddingFianat I nond to talk te you oh, new you wanna talk? Well it'sa littie late fer that. Se if you'll acuse me. But you ean't marry himt And why nott Because, heeause he's just marrying you so he ean he king -Outrageous! Fiana, dent listen to him. Hes not your true love. What do yau know ahout true levet Wal, I'm in. Oh, this is preeious. The ogre has fallen in leve with the prineass Laugh. Shrek is this true? Whe eares. It's Shrek is love, shrek is life
Were Through: Roses are red,
 0 have a gun
 no, I sweart Hey, I ean tly He ean fly He ean flyt He ean taik That's right, faall Now Im a lying, taiking dankey! You might have seen house fly, maybe nvan a supartly. But I bat yau ain't never seena denkey lyt Sain himt Get himt This wayl Hurry! You there. ogre. By the ardar af lerd Farquaad. I am authorised ta plnee you beth under arrest. And transpart you to designated resattlement faeility. Oh really You and what amy Can I say something
 te yout Listen, you were really, really something, back there Ineredible. Are you talking to me Yes, I was talking to you. Can Ijust tell yeu that you were really great baek there with these guards. They thought that was all aver there. And then you showed up and BAM There was tripping on over themselves like babes in the woods. That realy made me feel gnod to see that oh, that's great. Really. Man, It's good te be free New, why den't you go
 eelebrate your freedom with yeur awn friends? But . I den't have any teiands. And Im nat going out there by mysalt, Hay wait a minute I have a great ide. stiek with yeu. Yeu and me in green ighting machine. Tagether we'll seare the spin if anybody erasses us. oh, a, that was really seary Maybe you den't mine me saying I that dont wark, yeur breath will eertainly de the jab dene, 'eause.. you definitively need some tie-tae er samething, eause
 your breath atink Man you ve 777 my netel Just lke the time and then I ate some ratten berries Man I had some streng gases leaking out af my but that day. Why are yeu fallewing ma? l tell you why. Cause I'm all alene, there is ne one here, beside me. y prebiems have all gene. There's ne one te derive me. But you get te have freeStep singingt well, its ne wender, you den't have any friends Wowt Only a true friend wauld be that truly
 hanest. Listenl Litle donkey Take a leok at mel What am 17 A really tall? Nal Im an ogre. You knaw, grab your terch and pitehtarkn Deesn't that bother yau? Nape Really? Really really on? Man, I like yeu What's your name? A Shrek. Shrek But de you know, what I like abeut you, Shrek? Youve get that kind at den't eare what nobady thinks af me thing I like that, I respeet that, Shrek. Yours all right. U, laak at that. Whe would wanna live
 in a place like that? That would be my hame. on, it is lavely. Just beautiful. Yeu know you're quite a dacaratar 's amaring what you did with such a modest budgat. I like that baulder. That is a niee boulder. I guess, you den't entertain mueh, da you? 1ke my privaey. Yeu knew I de te. That's anather thing, we hav in eomman. Like I hate it when you get samabedy in yous face. Yau try to give them a hint and they wont ieave. and then there's that big
 accurred silenee, you knowt Can I stay with you? What? Can I stay with you, please. of course! Really? No Please! I don't want to go back there You don't how is like to be concerned like a freak. Wellmaybe you do But that's why we have to stick togethert You got to let me stay! Please Please! OK, oK But ane night anly Huh, thank you! A, what are you do Not This is going to be fun We ean stay up late, swap the manly stories And in the
 morning. m making waffies Where de I sieapt Outside! Oh, a, I guess that's ennl. You know, I dan't know yau and you dan't know me e i guess, outside is best far me Hare I go. Gand night. I de like that half doer. I'm a denkey all alane autside. Sit by mysalf outside, I guess I'm all alene, there's ne ane here baside me. thought, I tald yeu to stay outsideIam autside. Well Jamas This is far from the farm, but what ehoiee de we have? 's nat..
 What a lovely bed Gat you I found some cheese Awtul stuff,is that you Gordon? How did you knew? Enough: what are you daing in my house? Oh, no, mo, no Death prods off the tablet Wwhere would we supposed to put her The bed's taken. What? 1 ive in a swamp. Ive put up signs Im a terrilying ogret what do I have to da, to get a little privaay? Oh, nat Ne, mot What are you daing in my swamp? All right, get out of here All af you Mave itt Came on,
 let's go. And hurry u, hurry up No, no, nat there. Nat theret Hay don't leak at me I didn't invita them. Oh gesh, no ans invited us What We ware foreed to eoma here. By whe? Lard Farquand He 777 All right who knaws where this Farquand guy is? On I de. I knaw where he is Deas anyene alse knaw whern to find him? Anyone at all? Me. Anyene? Oh pick me, I knewt Me, ma. O, ine. Attantion all fairy tale thingst Da nat get eamfortable. Your
 weleome is affielally warned up. In faet. m gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get all otf my land and back where you eame fram. You. You're coming with me All right That's what ike to hear, man Shrek and Denkey, twe stuborn friends aff en a world and big eity adventure. I love it. Fm en read again Sing with me Shrekt Im on road again. what dida 1 say about singing an I whistie?-No. Wall, ean I hummert-All right. That's enough
 He's ready to taik Run, run, run as fast as you ean, you ean't eateh me. Im the gingerbread man. You manster. Im nat a monster here. You arn Yeu and the rest at that fairytale trash, paisening my perfeet ward Now tell me Where are the athera? Eat me Ive tried to he fair ta you, ereatures. Naw my patiense has reached its end Tail mat or I'l Na, na, not the buttons. Nat gumdrep buttons. All rightt whe's hiding them? O, I'll tell you. Da you
 know the mulfin-man-The maffin-man-The mulfin-man Yas, I knew the muffin-man. Whe lives on Proully lana? Well, she's married to the muffin-man. -The mulfin-man -The mufin-mant-She's married to the muffin-man. My lerd! We feund it. Well then, what are you waiting farn Bring it in. Magie mirror. Ban't tall him anything Evening Mirror, mirrer on the wall. Is this not the mast perfeet kingdam af them all? Wall, teehnieally, you'e nat a king
 falanious You were saying what I maan is you're not a king, yet. But you ean become ane. All you have to de, is marry princess a on Se, just sit back and relax my lard, because its time for you to meat taday's eligiale bachelorettes. And here they are Bachelaretta number one isa mentally abused shading from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hottubbing anytime Her hobbies include eookingg and eleaning for two evil sisters
 Please weleeme inderalla Baeheinrette numbar twe is a kemp weearing gir fram a land af fantasy. Atheugh she lives with seven ather man, she is nnt easy. Junt is harn dead freen lips and find aut what a live wife she is Came an. Give it up for. Shwwhite. And last but eertainly nat inast. Bacheleratte number three is a fire breathing 177, dragen guarded eastie, surroundnd by a hat bailing lava But den't let that enal you af she's leaded
 pistal who likes Pina Coladas and getting cut in the rain Yours fer the rescuing, Prineess Flona. So will it be, bachelorette number one? Bachelorette number twa? Or bachelarette number three? Twa Three Twal One No, mo, no Three Piek number three my lard. O, ok Number three Lord Farquand You've ehasen princess Fiona Shes niee. Fiona. She's perfect, All I have te do is just find someone. But I probably should mention little thing that
 happens at aight do itt Yes, ut after sunset..sileneal I will make this prineass Finna my queen And Duloe will finally have the perfeet king Captaint Assemble your finest man. We're gaing to have a tourmamentt That's , that's, right there, that's Dulee Ive tald you Fill find it. So. That must be lard Farquand's eastle. Aha, that's the plnce D yau think maybe hes eompensating tor something Hey, hay wait up Shrak Hay, yout Na, nal Wait
 second Look, I'm nat gonna eat you Ijust.. e's qulet. Tee quiet. where is everybodyt Hay leok at this Wewt Let's do that again. Ne. ne. All right Yeu're geing the right way fer amack bottom. Serry about that. That ehampion should have the henor, ne, nothe privilege to go ferth and reseue the levely prineess Fiana from the fireing keep of the dragen I for any reason the winner is unsuecesstul, the first runner up will take his place And se on, and
 so farth. Soma af you may die, but it's a saerifiee Im willing te make Applause. Let the taurnamant bagin What is that? ugh, its hideous. On, that's not very niee. 's just a dankey. Indeed. Knights Naw plan. The ane, whe kills the ogre, will be namad champian. How about him on, hey Naw, eeme on Can't wejust sattle this ever a pint? Net All right then. Come on Hey Shrekt Let me, let mat The ehair Give him the ehair Thank yeou Thank you, very
 meh. m here until Thursday Try the whealt Shall give the erder air Ne. I have hatter ides Peepie at Dulee. Igive yeu sur champlon! What Cangratultion, ogre. Youve won the honar at ambarking on a great and nohle quast. Quest m airendy an a quest. A quest to get my swamp backt-Yaur swamp? -Yeah, my swampt Where yau dumped those tairytale ereatures. Indend. All right ogre, I'll make you a deal. Go an this quest fer me and l give you
 your swamp back Eaetly the way it was? Dewn to the last slime cavered teast toel And the squattersa As goed as gone What ind of quest? o, let meget this straight We gonna go find the dragon and reneue a princess just so Farquand will give you back the swamp, whieh you only don't have, 'eause he filled it with full af treaks on the first place Is that abeut right You knew what? Maybe there is a good reason, denkeys shoulen't talk I dan'
 gt it shrek. Why dida't you just pull some ald ogre stut on them Yeu know, 177. Grak his bones to make you brave. You know the whele ogre triek Oh, yeu knew what. Mayhe I eeuld have deeapitated entire village and put their heads on plate Gat a knife, et apen their spiens and drink theie fluids Dees that sound good to yeu? A, ne, nat really, ne. Fer your infarmation, there is lat mare te ogres than people think Example. -Esample Ox, A-am
 ogres are like aniens They stink? Yes, no o, they make you ery Ne O, you leave them out on the sun and they get all brown and start 7 litle wild hairs? Nat Layerst Onions have layers ogres have layers onions have layers. You get it we bath have layers. o, you both have layers. You know not averybody likes enions Cabe! Everybody laves eakes Cakes have layers I don't eare what everyone likes ogres are net like cakes You know what
 alse averyone likeat Pafe. Have you ever mat a parsen and yau say "Hey, let's get same pattea" and thay say 1 don't like paffe. Patfe is deleinus. Nat You tenaed, ieritating, miniature peace af barden. ogras are like onions End at stary. ye, bye. See you lather. Patte is maybe the mast delieious thing an the whele damn planat. You know Ithink Ive preterred your humming Da you have a tiasun ar somathing, eause I'm making a mess Just the ward
 paffe has made me start slimyingWhy, Shrek, did you do that? Man you get to warn semebody befare you just erack one off. My mouth was apened and everything Believe me donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. It's brimatone We must be getting elose. Yeah, right, brimstone Dan't be talking 77 brimstene. I know what I smell and 77 no brimstone And they don't came of stone neither Sure it's big anough, but look at the loeation on, Shrek,
 remembar whan you said that ogres have layerst oh, yeah Wall, I have a eanfession to make. Dankeys dowt have layars We wear 717 aleaves Wait a second. Dankeys dont have sieeves. You know what I mean. Oh, you eant tall me yeu're afraid of highs No, I'm just little aneamfortable of being ena riekety idge aver bailing lake of laval Came on dankey, I'm right here beside you ok For amational support. We'll just hackle this thing together
 one little baby step atter time Reallyt Really realy. o That makes me feel se much batter Just eep moving and den't lonk dawn Don't leek dewn, dent lInok down Shrekr Im leoking dewnt I ean't de this Just let me aft right now, please But youre aiready half way -Yeah, but Iknow that halt is safe. Ok, tine. 1 den't have time fer this You ge baek Shrek, no, wait. Dant de thatt On, Im serry. Da what? -oh Thist -Yes, thatt Yes, yes De it OK No,
 Shrek I'm daing it. ganna die. I'mgonna die. Shrek, rmgenns die. That will do Denkey, that will do. Ceal. Sa where is this fire breathing Ppain in the neck anyway? Inside. Waiting fer us te reseue her I was talking about the dragen Shrek Are yau afraid Na, but shhbhh. Oh, goed Me neither Beeause there's nothing wrong with baing afraid. Here's asomething respensiblee at the situation Mat ta mentien dangeraus situation. And there's dragen
 that breathes fire. I'm sure hes meaner than a eow or anythingg, but they're seare. You knaw what I mean I'm sure he's heavier than a cew.. Dankey. Twa things oT Shut, up Now ge ever there and see it you ean find any stairs. Stairs?thought we were laoking fer the prineess The prineess will be up the stairs in the highest roem in the tallest tewer. What makes you think she'll be theret I read it in a hook once. Coal. Yau handie the dragon, 'l
 handle the stairs Oh, r'll find those stairs I't 77. That's right Those stairs wen't know which way they ge The drafting stairs, 177 Don't mess with me m the stair master I'm master of the stairs. I wish I had a stair right here right here now, rd step all aver it, Well, at least we know where the princess is. But whare is the Dragon Donkay, look out! Gat you Oh, what large teeth you have. Imean, white sparkling teeth. You probably hear this all the
 ima from your fend, but you must bleach yourselt, beeause that is ane dashing amile yeu got thare. And de I deteet the hint af minty freshnesss? And you know what alset You're agirl dragon. Oh, sure. I mean 'eourse you're a giel dragen, 'eause you're just rieking the feminine beauty eut. What's the matter with you? De you have somathing in yeur eye Man, I'd really lave to stay, ut yeu know Im a asthmatie and I dan't knew if we waald wearked eut
 Youd be biewing smoke and staff, Shrekt No, Shrek! Shrekt Wake up! What? Are you princess Flanat I am Awaiting a knight sa bald as to rescue me. Oh, that's nice Now leet's go But wait, mir knight. This be our first meeting Should not be wonderful, ramantic mament? Yeah Sorry lady there's no time Hey, what are you daing7 You know, you should sweep me out of my feet out through the window and down the rope by to your valued steed You've
 had a let af tima to plan this, havent you? Uh um Eut we have to sing through this mament. You can rasiding af a peam to m. A ballad, a sonnet, a libretti or something I den't think so wall, ean i at least knaw a aame at my ehampiant Shrek So, Shrek. I pray that yeu take this favor as a taken at my gratitude. Thanks. Yau dida't alay the dragon nat my jos ta da this Now, eome enl But this isn't right. 7 That's what all the ather knights did
 Yaah Right befere they burst in the fiame That's nat the paint Wait. Where are yeu goingt Exit is over there Wall, I have to save my ass What ind of anight are you? One af a bindrush inte a physieal relationship. Im not that emetionalily ready fer eemmitment of a this magnitude That was the word I was leeking for Magnitude. Hey, that is unwanted physieal eontact. Hey, what are you deing? o, ek, let's just back up a little and take this one step
 at the time Imaan, we really should gat to know each ather first, you know what am I saying As triends, maybe aven as 77 Hey dont de that. That's my tail That's ma personal tal. And you re going to tear it of. oh, mo. Nat It talks Yeah 'sgetting te shut up, that's a triek ok, you twe Head far the exit. r take eare of thee dragon Ruuuuun! You did it. You reseued me. Amising, yau're wonderfal. You re a little unesthades I admit, but by
 deed is great and by heart is pure. I'm entirely in yaur debt And where would a brave knight he without his nable stend. I hepe you heard that. She ealled me a nohle steed. She thinks m a stend. The battle is won. You may remove rour helmat gend sir knight. Aah, na. Why not7 I have helmat hair. Please I wouldst leak upen the face of my reseuer on, ne, you wouldn't, dust. But, hew will you kis met What That wasnt in a jab deseription. Maybe it's
 perk No. It's destiny. You munt know how it goes. A prinees locked in a tower and besieged by a dragon is rescued by arave knight. And then they share true love's first kiss With Shreek? You think, wait you think Shrek is your true leve? Wall, yes You think that Shrek is your true love What in so funny? Lat's just say, I'm nat your type, ak7 of caurse you are. You're my rescuer Naw, now remove your helmet, Laok I really don't think this is a
 gad idea Just take off the heaimat. m natgaing te -Take it aftt Nat-Nawt -ok, easy. As yeu eammand yaur highness. Yau're an ogre Oh, you ware espeeting Prinee Chaming. Well, yes, aetually. Oh na. This is all wrong Yeu're nat supposed to be an ogre. Prineess, I was sent to rescue yeu by iand Farquaad, ek? He's the ane, whe wants to mary yau. Well, then why didn't he eame te reseun met Gond question. Yau should ask him that, whan we get
 there But I have to be rescued by my true lave Not by some ogre and his pet. Well so much fer noble steed Look princess Youre not making my job any easier. Well Fm sorry, but your job is not my preblem You ean tel land Farqusad that it he wants to reseue me properly, ll be waiting for him right here Hay, Im no ones messenger boy, all righ ma delivery bay You wouldnt dare You ceming donkey? Put me down Yeah, rm right behind you
 Put me down ar you will suffer the eonsequnnens This is net dignified. Put me dewn. O, here's anether qunstion Lets ay that a woman digged yeu, but yau den't really like her, that way. Now, haw yeu let her dewn real easy, sa her feelings aren't hurt? But you den't gat burned to a erisp neither. Haw de you de this? Just tell her, she's nat your trun lave. Everyane knews it what happens when yau find... Mayt The seaner we get to Dule, the batter.
 oh, yeah. You gonna love it there princess t's beautifal. And what of my gream te be, lerd Farquaad. what's he like? Well, let me put it this way, prineess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply. Oh ne, Shrek There are these whe think little af him. Stap it. Step it, both of you Yeu know, yau're just jealous that you ean never measure up te great ruler like lard Farquaad. Yeah Well maybe you're right prineess. But l'd like you de that measuring
 when you see him tamorrow Tamarrow It will take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make eamp7 Ma. That would take longer. we ean keep geing But there are rabbers in the woeds. Whan, time aut Shrek Camp is definitely something that sounds good. Hay. Come on. I'm searier than anything we're ganna see in this forest. I need ta find samewhare ta eamp, nowt Hay, aver here. Shrek, we ean do batter than that. Naw, I den't think this is decent fer
 princess. Na, ne, it's perteet It just needs a few homey touches Homey touches? Like whatt A door Well, gentleman I'll be dgoed night oe you want me to eome in and read you a bedtime stery, eause I will. I sald geod nightt Shrek What are you deing? 1just., ynu knaw. oh, eome an, I was jast kidding And that one, that's Throwkack. The only ogre to ever spit over three wheat fields might. Yeah Hey, ean yeu tell my future ferm these stars?
 Well, the stars den't tell the future, Denkey. Thay tell staries. Laok There's Blodns, the "Fiatulent" You can guess what he is fam ous for All right, Now I know you're making this up. No. Laok There he is and there's the group of hunters running away from his atag Man, there aint nothing, but a buneh af little dats. You know donkey, samatimas things are mare than they appear Forget it. Hay Shrek What are you gonna do when we get our swamp back,
 aRyway? ur wamp? -You know. when were through reseuing the prineess and all that stutf. Wat Donkey, there is ne we Theres no our. Thare's just me and my swamp. And the first thing m genna de, is build a ten foot wall areund my land. You eut me desp Shrak, you eut me real deep just now. You knew, whatI think? 1 think this whole wall thing is just a way ta knep somebedy eut. Mo, do you think? Are you hiding something Naver mind Dankey.
 On, this is anether ane of those onion things, isn't it? No. This is ane of those drop it and leave it alane things Why don't you want to talk abeout it? Why de you want to talk about it7 oh, why you bleck? 'm not blecking Oh yes you are Donkey, I'm warning you WhG are you trying to keep out? Just tall me that 5hrek Who Everyone, ok? oh, naw we're getting somewhere on, for the lave at pit Hey, what's your problem Shrek? What de you got
 gainst the whale world anyway7 Leok. Fm not the ane with the problem, ak sthe world that seems to have a prablem with me. Paople take ane lonk at me and gai AAA. Helpt Run A big stupid ugly ogre. Thay judge me, satare they aven know ma. That's why m beattar aff alene. Yau knaw what? Whan we mat, didn't think yau're just a big stupid, ugly ogre. Yeah, I knaw. Se, a. Are there any denkays up there? Wall, there's a Cabby. The amall and
 annoying o, ok I see him, now. ig ahining one, right there. That one, over there? That's the moon Again Show me again Mirrer, mirror, shaw her to me Show me the prineess Perfect. Yeah You know I like like that. Oh came on baby.. Donkey Wake up What? Wake up. Morning How do you like your eggs? Geod morming prineess What's all this about You know, we kind of got af to a bad start yesterday and I wanted te make it up te you 1
 mean, aftar all, yau did reseue me. Thanks Well, eat up. We've gat big day ahead of us Shrnl What? sa eampliment. Better eut than in I always say. But that's no way te bahave in frant of a prineass. Thanks She's as nasty as you are. Yau know. You're nat eactly what I've peeted. Well, maybe you shouldnt judge peaple bafare you gat to know tham. Prineess What are you deing 77men shery, fari am yaur saviour. And I am reseuing you
 from this green heast Hayt That's my princess Go find your awn Please, menster Can't you see I'm a littie busy here? Leok, pal 1 dont knaw whe you think you are. Oh, af eourse. Haw rude that was Please, let me intreduce myseif. Oh marry ment Man, that was anneying Oh, you litle Shall wet 17ail the ferint7 Whea, held on, now where did that eome fromt-Whatt -That. Eack there. That was amaring where did you learn that? Weln, when one
 lives alene ene has to learn theese things in ease there's a. There is an arrow in your butt. What7 Oh, would yeu loak at that. Oh, na.. This is all my fault. Im so serry What's wrong? Shreks hurt. Shrek's hurt? Shrek's hurtt oh, ma. Shrek's geing to die. Dankey, l' ck Yau eant de this to me Shrek. Fm toe young fer you to die. Keep yeur lege elevated. Turn your head 777. Does anyone knaw hew te handie. Dankeyt Calm down I yau want to help
 Shrek, run into woeds and find mea blue lower with red tharms. Blue flewer, red therns. Ok, rm on it. Blue flower, red thoms. Bie flewer, red therns. Don't din Shrek. And it yeu see a leng tunnel, stay away from the light-Dankeyt -Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flewer, red therens. Blue lawer, rad tharns What are the fiewers far For getting rid af the Dankey. Now, you held still and ril yank this thing ut. -May! Easy with the yanking m sary, but it has to
 eame out. Ne, ne. It's tender What you're daing here is the opposite.. Don't mave. ok, leak. Time aut, Would you. OWhat de you propese we da? lue flewer, red therns. lue lawer, red thorns Biue flewer, red thorns. This would be so much easier it I wasn't colertblind Blue flewer, red therns. Blue fiower, red thorns Hald on, Shrek Im coming Nat good O, a, I can lose it. I's just abeut it. Nething happened. We were just a. Look it yeu want to
 b alene, all you had to de is ask, ak? Oh, eame an. That's the last thing an my mind. The prineess here was just. Au Hay, what's thatt is that.. Thare it is, prineess.-Yaur future awaits you -That's Dulae? Yeah I know. You'll shrink things lard Farquaad is eompensating far something, whieh I think needs, he has iguess we battar meve on. Sure, hut ShrekI'm warrind about Dankey. Whatt I mean. Laak at him. He doesn't lank sa goad What are
 you talking about? Im fine Well, that's what they always say. And the next thing you know you're on your baek Dend You know she's right You leak awful. Do you want to sit down You know, ril make you up some tea Well, I won't say nothing, but I've got this twinge in my neck And it I turn my neck like this, look Au, see He's hungry r'l find us some dinner. -rlget the firewood Hey, where are you gaing? oh man, I eant feel my thumbs I don'
 have any thumball! I think I nend a hug This isgead. This is really goad. What is thist Wheat rat. Ratisserie style. Me kidding on, this is delieious. Wall, they alsa great in staws Now, I don't mean to brng, but I make amaan whant rat staw. Iguess Fll ba dining a little different laten tamarow night. Maybe you ean eome visit me in the awamp sometime. l eak all kinds of stuff for yau. Swamp teast, soup ish, aya tartar. You nama it. rd like that
 A prineesst -Yes, shrek? rm aIwas wondering Are you Are you genna eat that? Man, isn't this remantie Just leok at that sunset. Sunset7! On, ne t's late It's very late What? Wait a minute. 1 see what's geing on here. Your re afraid of the dark Aren't you? Yes, yes. That's it. That's, I'm terrified You know ll better ge inside But den't feel bad, prineess I used to be afraid ot the dark teo Until Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark
 Gead night, Gond night. Ahh. Naw I really see what's going on hare. Oh, what are you talking abaut Hay I den't wanna even hear. Laok, I'm an animal and Igat instinets And I knaw that you twe are digging on each ather. 1 ean feel it. Oh, you're erasy. I'm just bringing her back to Farqud Oh, eama on, Shrak. Wake up and small the fairamanes Just go in there and tel har haw you feel. There's nething te tell. esides, even if I did tell her thatwall
 yeu knaw tm not saying that 1 de, eause I den't She's a prineess and m an ogre Yeak, n ogre. Hay , whare are you geing? -To get mere tirewood Princess Princess Fiena? Prineess, whare are yeu? Prineess? 's very spooky in here and are we playing littie games Ne, ne. Helpt Shreat shrakt Ne Shrakt-'s e 's a.What did you de with the prineess? Denkey, shhh 'm the prinens.t me, in this ody. ah my ged. Yau ate the prineess.
 can yau hear met Dankeyl Listen, keep breathing Fl get you eut of there! Shrek Shrek Shrek! This is me Princess? What happened to you? Yau're ditferent. Fm uy, ok7 Yesh Was it something that you ate Cause I told Shrek those rats were a bad idea. You are what you eat, I say No. Ive been this way as long as I ean ramamber What do you mean? Leok, I've naver san you like this before It anly happeens when the sun goes down. By might
 ane way, hy day another. This shall be the norm until yeu find true leve's first iss Then, take leve's true term.. , thats benutiful. 1 didn't knaw you wrate poetry t's the spell When I was a little girl, a witeh east a spell en me. Every night beeeme this This horrible ugly beast. I was plneed in a tower to await the day when my true lave wauld reseue me. That's why I have to marry lerd Farqusad temarrow, bafere the sun sats and he sees me, like
 this? All right, all right calm down. Look, it's net that bad. You're not that ugly Wait, wait, rii not lie, you are ugly. But you anly look like this at night Shrek's ugly 24/7. But Donkey, rma princess And this is not haw a primcess is meant to look Princess. Haw about if you don't marry Farquaad? I have te Only my true love's kiss ean brake the spell. But you know, you're kind of an ogre And Shrek Well you've got a lot in common. Shrek? Princess, I
 How is it golng first af all Gaodt Good for me ta. m ak. I saw this fiewer and thought af you baeause it's pratty. And, wall, I den't really like , ut I thought you may like it, beeause yau re pretty. But Ilik you anyway. A.. m in trouhle. O, here we go. Who eauld ever lave a piece sa hideaus and ugly Prineass and ugly den't gn togather. That'swhy I eant stay here with Shrak, ut anly chanee to live happily ever after is ta marry my true leve. Don't
 you see, Donkey7 That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell. Well, at least you've get tell Shrek the truth. No, ne You eant breathe the word. No one must ever know. What's the paint of heing unable to talk? You get to keep seerets Promise you won't tell. Promise! You know, bafere this is over, I'm going te need whole lot af serious thermpies All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should Look at my eye twitehing I tell him,
 tell him nat. I tell him. I tell him neat. I tall himt Shrek Shrek! There's somathing I want Shrek. Are yau all right? Parfest. Naver bean batter. There's samathing I have to tall you You don't have to tall me anything, prinees I heard anough last night. Yeu've heard what I said?Every word. I thought you'd undeerstand? Oh, I understand! Like you said, wha eould lavs a hideaus, ugly bast 1thaught that waulda't matter to yau. Yeah, wall, it does A,
 right an time. Princess. I braught you a little samething What i missed? What imissed Prineess Fiona As promised. Naw hand it aver Very well, ogre. The deed to your swamp. Oleared out as agread. Take it and go Before I change my mind. Forgive me prineess for startling you, hut you startled me. For Ive never sean such a radiant benuty betare. am lerd Farquand. Lord Farquand? Oh, ne, no fergive me my lard for I was just saying short..
 tarewell. Oh. That is se sweet. You den't have te raisegeod manners on the ogre it's not like it has feelings Ne Yeu're right. It daesn't, Prineess Fiena, beautifal fair flawiess Fiena, I ask yaur hand in marriage will you be the pertect bride fer the perfect graom7 Lerd Farquaad, I accept. Nathing would make Eeellent! I'll start the plans for tamorraw we wedd. Mel I mean Why wait Lat's get married teday. Befare aunset. Oh, anxieus are we
 Youre right. The sooner, the better. There's se mueh to de. There is the eamers, the eake, the band, the guests. Captain Round up same guests Farewall ogre. Shrek, what are you deingt You let her get away -Yeah, so what. Shrek Theres something about her that you den know. talked ta her iast night. she'Yeah I know ynu talked te har inst night. Yeu're great pal, aren't yout Now, if yau twe are sueh gend triend, why didnt you fellew he
 hame Shrek I want to go with you Itold yo, didn't You're nat coming home with me 1live alone, My swamp, me and nobady else! Understand? Nabedyt Especially useless, pathetie, annoying, talking donkayst -But I1thought. Yeah You know what? You thaught wrong shrek D onkay? What are you doing? I was thinking of all the people, you would recognise a wall when you see one. Well, yeah. But the wall supposed to go around my swamp Net
 through it. It is arnund your half. Sen? That's your halt and this is my half. Oh, yur half? Yes, my halt. I halpnd rescue the prinesss I did half the work Iget half the baoty. New hand me that big eld rock, the ane that lnoks like your head-Back offt Na. You back aff This is my swamp. Our swamp Lat go, Bankeyt-You lat gat Stubsern jackass mally ogre. Finet Hey, hey, eame back here. m nat through with you, yet. Wall, m through with yout Well,
 you know You were always me, me, me Well, guess what? Now it's my turn So you just shut up and pay attention! You aremean to me, you insult me, you don't appreciate anything that I dol Youre always pushing me around or pushing me away oh, yeah? Well, it I treated you se bad, how come you came back? Because that's what triend do. They forgive each ather Oh, yeah. Youre right Donkey 1fergive you far stabbing me in the back You're so
 wrapped up in layers, onien bay, Yaure afraid of your awn feelings Go away. Sae There you are, deing it again. Just like yau did it ta Fiana And all ahe aver de, was likn yeu. Maybe aven leve yau. Lave mat She said I was uglyt A hideaus ereature Iheard that you tw were talking She wasn't talking abaut you She was talking about. b ody alse She wast talking about mat Wall then, whe was she talking aboutt Na way, I'm not aaying
 anything You wont listen to me, right? Right? -Donkey Nat Ok, leek m serry, all right Im aerry. Iguess I am just a big stupid, ugly ogre. Can you forgive me? May, that's the friends are fer, right Right Friends? Friends Sot what did Fiona said abeut met Why are you asking me far? Why don't you just ge ask her The wedding We'll never make it in timet Never feart For where there is a will, there is a way And I have I way. Donkeyt -guess this is
 junt my aet af magnetism. Oh, eome hare, you. All right. All right. Dont get all started. No one likes kinsnss. All right, hop an. Hald on tight. I hadnt have a ehanee to install eat belts, yet. Paople af Duloe. We gather hare taday te bear witnnss to reunion of aur new kinggExcuse me. Could you just skip ahead to I da's" Ge on Go ahead and have same fun, it we need you, I'll whistle. How abaut that? Shrek, wait, wait a minute. You want to da this
 weddingFianat I nond to talk te you oh, new you wanna talk? Well it'sa littie late fer that. Se if you'll acuse me. But you ean't marry himt And why nott Because, heeause he's just marrying you so he ean he king -Outrageous! Fiana, dent listen to him. Hes not your true love. What do yau know ahout true levet Wal, I'm in. Oh, this is preeious. The ogre has fallen in leve with the prineass Laugh. Shrek is this true? Whe eares. It's
Shrek is love, shrek is life

Shrek is love, shrek is life

Were Through: daragon goaardecd castie surnoucdand tay sot b ng tavat Bat don't let that cool you off Shue's a loaded pistoi who kes na colads and g -Threet Pick number three, my londt Okay, olay, uh, namber threel -Lord Farquaad, you've chosees Princess Fiona. y ikke pina coladas And getting cau will make this Princess Fiona my qaeen, and Dutor will fhnally have the pertect king! Captain, assemble your finest men, We're gping to have a tourmannent-But than's darling. We're late. Hurry, Hey. voa! (Screams) -Wait a second. Look, Im not gonna eat you. I just just- (Whimpering) (Sighs) Whimpeing, Groans Farnste them down Dan't malae waes, stay in ire And we'll get along fine Duioc is pefect place Please knep off of the gss Shine your shoes, wipe you face Dui.c is, DuloK is Duloc s perfec All right. ou're going the right way for a smacked bottom. Sorry abOut that. (Cheering)-Thart champion shall have the honor no, no-- the privilege to go fortha to make. (Cheering) Let the tournanent begint (Gasps) -Ohl -What is that? (Gasping)-'s hideousl-An, that's not very nice. R's just a donkey. -indeed. Knights, new pla don't give a damn about my reputation Vou're linving in the past it's a new generation Damn! (Whinnying) A giri can do what she wants to do And that's what Im gonna do A auarnted to ingrove my station AN! (laughs) And I'm alwayvs feelin good when l'a having fun Yeah! And I don't have to please no one -The chair! Gie him the chairl And I don't give a damn about my bad repAR tFm here ti Thursday. Try the veall Ha, hal (Shrek laughs) (Crawd gasping, murauring) -Shall t give the order, sir? -No, I have a better sdea. People of Dutoc, I give you our champion! -What?-Congratulations, orge. ou're w (Crowd marmaring) indeed. All right, orge. i'l make you a deal Go on ths quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back. Exactly the way it was?-Down to the last simecovered toadstool, Andthe ast fecs Three awe Fwad TReel Three? One es huat afte Groans) Pwof Paof-Y ohvig that hapen wast ua Shnek Hu we same nules tet ss all the l Roday one of you shall prove himself rth Some of you m eie, but it's a sacriftice I am wer a pint Anl the beast -No? All right then. Con bad reputation Never e clon't have because he fitled it full of freaks in the first place. -Is that about right?-Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldnt talk. 4 don't get it. Why don't you just pull somne of that orge stu on him? Th you chmped those take crea and put their heads on a aike, gotten a knife, cut opes their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?-Uh, no, not really, na. For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think. Example Eample duaews e hite haus -Noel Layers! Onions have tayers, Orges have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. (Sighs) -Oh, you both have layers. Oh. [Sniffs) You know, not everybody Sikes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakest Cae decapitated an faybe i couk owne parfait, " they say, "No, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious. -No! You dense, iritating, miniature beast of burdent Orges are like onionst And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later. Partaits may be the most delicious thiing e my way from misery to happiness today Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh Fm on my way from misery to happiness today Uh-huh,uh-buh, uh-huh, uh-huh And everything that you receive up yonder is what you outh was open. Believe me., Donkey, if it was me. you'd be dead. (Smdffs) it's brimstone We must be getting cfose. Yeah, right, brimstone Don't be talkung about it's the brimstone. I know wtsat I smell. It wasn't no trimstone. It die e layers? On, aye -Well, t have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sieeves. -Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves.-You know what I mean. You can't tel me you're atraid oi , we'l just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time. Really?-Really, really. Okay, that makes me feel so much better Just keep moving. And don't laok down. Okay, don't look doan. Don't look down. Don'ty y haifway -Buat I know that half is safel Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back. -Shrek, not Wait!-Just, Donkey- -Let's have a dance then, shail me? -Don't do thati-Oh, Im sorry. Do what?-Oh this? Yes, thatl Yes? Yes, do it Olay. [Sre ver met a partait make me start siobbering. Im ast crack ane off Ay otional supp beside oN Ihar B do Donkey TharR da Cool So whene is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway inside, waiting for us to rescue her (Chuckles) I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek (Water dripping, wind howling) You afroid? -No. -ButShh Oh, goad. Me neither. (Gasps)-Caune on, Emight add. with a dhagon thar breathes fre and eats knights and breathes hre, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that. (Gasps) -Donkey, two things, okay? Shut up. Now go over there and see if you can the tallest tower -what makes you think she be there?-I read it in a book once. Cool. You handle the dragon, Ill handle the stairs. I'R find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they'e goin. (Creacing) -Fm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it rit-Weld at least we inow where the princess is, but where's the--Dragon! (Screams) (Gasps) (Roars)-Donkey, look out! (Screams) Whimperingj-Got ya! (Roars) (Gasps) (Shouts)-Whoal Whoal Wwhoal (Screaming) (Gasps) -Ohl Aah! Aahl (Gasping) (Crowls)-No. On, ne his all time from gour food, but you must bleach, ause that is one dazzling smile you got there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're - You're a giri dragont On, suref i mean, of course you're a girt dragon., You're just reeking of feminine beauty now fm -Coughs) 4m an asthnmatic, and I don't knou f it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek! (Gasps) (Whimpering) -Nol Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! (Groans, Sighs) (Vocaliring)-Ohl Oht -Wake spl -What? Are you Princess Fiona?-I am, waiting a knight so bold as to onderful romantic moment?-Weah, sorry lady There's no timne. -Hey wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed. Youve had a lot of ime to plan this, haveni t you? Mm-hmm. Screams, grunts)-But ore ingJ don't tuint sa. -Can fat least know the name of my champion? -Um, Shrek. Sir Shrek. (Cleans throat) -I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude. Thanks (Roaring) You didn't stay the dragon? t's oney to-do tist. Novw come on! (Screams) But this isn't right! You w one they burst into flame. -Thar's not the point Ohf-Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there. -Well, I have to save my ass. -What kind of knight are you? -One of a kind Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. l believe it's healthy to get to know someone oves a long pesriod of fime nalyeady for a commitment ot ut, this-- Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for Magnitude Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey what are you doing? Okay, okay tet's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We realy should get to know each other first an trie tha Thar's ang tail That's mypersonal tail. You're gonna tear it off I don't give permission- -What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now No way No! No! No. no! No. No, no, no. Nol Oh! (Grows Roaring Gasps) H, Princess t talks Yeah, t's getting him to shut up that's the trick You're wondertul You re a ittle unorthodox E8 admit. But they deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am en of the dragon choing)-Runl Gasping) Screamingl(Roaring (Screams) (Roars) (Panting sighs) (Whiopers) (Roars) You did it! You rescued mel You're amazing. You're heard that. She called me a moble steed. She think fm a steed.-The battle is won. You may remove your heimet, good Sir Knight. Uh, no. Why not? -I have helmet hair. Please. I would st look upon the tace of ony rescuer No, no you wouldn't st. But how will you kiss me?-What? ociacess lncked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss. -Hmm? With Shrek? You think Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love? -Wel, yes (laughingE) You think Shrek is your true lkovel-What is so tunny? Let's just Ireally don't think this is a good idea Just take off the helmet. rm not going toa. -Take ot off -Nol Now!-0kay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness. You- You're a-an orge Oh you were expectirg Prince Charmng Well, yes, actualy. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You re not suppos s tmary you-Then wiy didn't he come resEue me?-Good question. You should ask him that when we get there. But I have to be resced by my true love, not by some prge and his his pet. Somach for noble steed. You're not making any pb any easer. m sorry but your job is not e Hey!Imno one's messenger boy all right? Fm a delvery boy -You wouldn't dare. Put me don! Ya comin, Donkey? -m righht betend ya. Put me down, or you wil sufter the consequences! This is not dignied! Put ne down! -Okay, so bere's another question, Say there's a woma Heyl (Sighs) -The sooner we get to Dutoc the better -Vou'te gonna love it there, Princess. t's beautifull And what of tay groc rt supply (Laughs) 4 don't know There are those who think fitle of him. Stop it. Stop it, both of you Youre just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler Mike Lord Farquaad. Yeah, well, maybe you re right, Proncess BuT 18let you do the measuring when you see him tome ingBut there's robbers in the soods Whoal Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good. Hey cone on Im scarier than anything we re gong to see in this forest -I need to find somewtere to canp now 1rds wings fluttering) {Grusting Hey! Over here Shrek, we can d sarenthurt but you don't get burned to a crEsp and eaten? You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what happens when you find your eHomey touches? Like what? (Crashing) A door? Well gentlemen, I bid thee good night. You want me to read you a bedtime story?I wik I said good night! -Sturek, What are you doing? Laughs) Ijust-Yu know Oh, cme on l was just kidding. (Fire cracking) And, uh, that on these stars?-The stars don't tell the future, Donkey They tell stories. Look there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famnous for know you're making this up. No look. There he is and there's the grmup of hunters running away from his stench. That ain't nothis Sets/-HHey Shrek, what we gomna do when we get our swarmp anyway?-Our swamp?-You knoN when we're through rescuing the proncess. We? Donkey, there's no we. There's no our There's just me and my swamp The first thing I'm gomna do s buld a ten-foot wall arond my s past a way to keep somebedy out. -No, do ya think -Are you hidin' something? Never mind, Donkey Oh, ttos is another one of those on on things, isn't t? No, this is one of those drop-st and leave it alore things. Why don't you want to talk about it?-Why do you want to tal to keep out?Everyonel Olay?-Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere -Oh! For the love of PetelWhat's your problem? What you got aganst the whole world anysay-Look Im not the one with the problems okayi it s the world t s why fm better off alone. You ksow what? When we met, I didat think you was just a big, stupid, ugly orge Yeat tknow So, uh, are there ary donkeys upthere? Well, there's seems to have a problem with me. People take one, right there. That one Show me the princess. -HmphAh. Perfect (Inhales) Snoring) (Vacakzing) (Whisting) (Sizzling) {Sniffs, yawns Mnm, yeah, you know t ike t ike shat. Come on, baby. I said tlike it-Donkey wake up. -uh? What? Wake opWhatGood mosning. Hm, bow io you like your to make it up to you. I mean, afer all, you did rescue me Uh, thanks. (Smiffs} Well, eat up. We ve got a big day ahead of us (Delches) Shre What? R's a complment Better out than n, Ialways say laughs) Well.ts no way to tehave in front of a princess. (8elches) -Thanh udge people before you get to know them. (vocalzng) -La libertef Hey! Princess (Laughs) What are you dosog? Be stil mon dherie, for l an you savior! And I am rescuing you from this green- Kissing sounds) beast Hey -That's my proncessi Go find you ownt Please, monster Gabby, the Small and Annoying Okay okay, 1see it now The big shiny Piease let me introduse myseit Oh, Merry Men.aughs)Accordion) Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo I steal trom thenchand ghe to the needy. He takes a wee percentage But I'm not greedy.Irescue pretty damsels Man,mgod What agy Monsier Hood Break it down tke an grabs a lady by the tush That's bad That's bad When a beauty's with a beast it nakes me awfuly mad He's rsad He's really realy mad t take my blade and ram it throuh your heart Keep your eves an me, hoys cause fm about to start (Gruts, Groans (xarate Yelij Merry Mer ies)-Uh. shall we?-Hold the phone. (Grunts) OhE Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now Where did that come from Whathat8ack there: That was aoazing! Wheredd you learn that Well Chuckles) When one lves alone, uh, one has to tearn these things in case there's a hat's wrong?-Shrek's hurt. -Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, nD, Shrek's gonna dhe. -Donkey, Im okay Youcan't co this too me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know tne Heimlch! -Deoniey! Can down. t you t Blue flower, red thorns. Don t die Shrek If you see a long tunner stay away from the lght! (Both) DonkeyOR, veah. Right Bke flower, red thorns. What are the flowers for? For getting rid of Donkey -Ah. Now you hold stli, and yank this thing out. -Ow! Hey! Easy w eip Dont mowe. Look time out. -Would you-Grunts Okay. What do you propose we do? Blue fiowes red thorms Blue fower red thoms, Blue tiowes, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasntiror bind! Bue flower ret thorns. -Owl Hold on, Shreki Fm com We were jusz, uh -Aook, if you aanted to be alane all you had to do was ask. Okay? Oh, come anl Tkat's the last thing os my rnd The princess here was just gh Owl Hey what's that?Nervous chickbe) That's is that blood? (Seehs) (Bird churpng} (Grunts) My bel ther Aah. She wi always be the only thing That comes between me and the awha sting That coRTes from iving in a world that's so dame mean (Croaks) Oh, oh oh oh oh Hey! La-la, la-la, la-la la la (Both laoghingž La-la, la la, la la -1here it is, Princest Your future awaits ns he has a really--Ow! Um, L uhIguess we better move on Sure But, Shrek? Pa - To worried atout Donkey (Blubbering) What? Emean, look at him. Ne doesn t look so good. What are yu talking about? Im Bne. -That's what they ways say, and then next t make you some tea -Ididn't want to say nothin, but I got this twrge in my neck, and whenf turn any head ike this, loak, Bones crunch Ow See Who's hungry? I'8 fnd us some dinnes. T'8 get the frewood. hey, where you goii ? On, man, I can't feel my toes! i do kidding Well, this is delicious.-Wel they're also great in stews Now 1 don't mean to brag buz I make a mean weedrat stew (Chcking ISighs1guessi be dining a lttle differently tomonrow nignt. (Gulns) -Maybe you can tDme visit me s the swamp sometime. f the pyramids along the Nile-Um, Princess? Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle Yes. Shrek? -1, um, 1 was wondering. Just reaember daring al the while Areyou- You belong to me Sighs) Are you ponna eat that? (Chuckles) -Man,Snt this romangic? lust look at th the dark, aren't you?-Yes! Yes, that's it. l'en terrified. You know Id better go ins de Dont feel bad, Proncess, losed to be afrakt of the dark, too, unti di know you twa were diggin on each other i coudd feel it. You're crazy. Imjust beinging ner back to Farquazd Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and soelf the pheromones: Just go on in and tell her how you feel. There i nothing to tel. Besides, even ifidid tell he goin?-To gec...move firewood. (5ighs} Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where ae you? (Wings futtenog) Pricess? (Creakingl (Gasps) ts very spooky in here. Iain't piayingno games. (Screams-Aah! Os, nol No, helpl Shi!-Shrekl Shrek! Shrek! No, it's o cess. Can you hear me? Donkey!-Uisten, keep breathing l get you out of therel No: Shrekf Srek! Shrekt Sh Sarek! Th s is me, (Mufflexd mumbling) Proncess? What happened to you? You se, u uh, ut, different. Fo u, okay? Well, yeah! Was t somet lcan remember -What do you mean? Look, I aire't never seen you tke this before It s only fhappens when sun goes down Bynght one way, by day anuther. This shall be the norm unt you firut troe kove's hrst kiss and then take love's true form. Ah, that's e this. This horrible, ugly beast! i was placed in a tower to await the day my troe love wouldresne me. thas's why f have to mary Lord arquaad tomoIow before the sun sets and the sees me like this (Sobs) -Alrght, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bas cess, and this is not how a princess is meact to took Princess how bout if you don t marry Farquaad thave to. Only my true fove's kiss can break the spell But, you know um. yoe're kond of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a lot io common, Shrek? Princ dwell, i don't realy like it, bat I thought you might bke it cause you re pretty But I Nke you anyway f'd -- at, uh - (Sighs| min trouble Okay, here we go. Ican't hst oarry whoever want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, ceally, who can ever love a ive happily ever after is to marry my true fove. Deep sgh Don't you see, Dorkey? That's just how it has to be. it's the only way to break the spell. You at least gotta telt Shrek the truth. -No! You can't breathe a word No one must ever know What's the po Hey no, wait. lm still atraid of the dark. (Shrek sighs) Good rsight Good ngnt Door creaks} -Ohh! Now I really A ONOW before this is over, Fem gonna need a whole lot of seriouS therapy. -Look at my eye baitchin. Door opens) (5noring)-I tel hirm, t tell him not. Itel him, I tell h not. I ted hims Shrek Shrek there scmething A pencil case with the entire script of Shrek on it
Were Through: daragon goaardecd castie surnoucdand tay sot b ng tavat Bat don't let that cool you off Shue's a loaded pistoi who kes na colads and g
 -Threet Pick number three, my londt Okay, olay, uh, namber threel -Lord Farquaad, you've chosees Princess Fiona. y ikke pina coladas And getting cau
 will make this Princess Fiona my qaeen, and Dutor will fhnally have the pertect king! Captain, assemble your finest men, We're gping to have a tourmannent-But than's
 darling. We're late. Hurry, Hey. voa! (Screams) -Wait a second. Look, Im not gonna eat you. I just just- (Whimpering) (Sighs) Whimpeing, Groans Farnste
 them down Dan't malae waes, stay in ire And we'll get along fine Duioc is pefect place Please knep off of the gss Shine your shoes, wipe you face Dui.c is, DuloK is Duloc s perfec
 All right. ou're going the right way for a smacked bottom. Sorry abOut that. (Cheering)-Thart champion shall have the honor no, no-- the privilege to go fortha
 to make. (Cheering) Let the tournanent begint (Gasps) -Ohl -What is that? (Gasping)-'s hideousl-An, that's not very nice. R's just a donkey. -indeed. Knights, new pla
 don't give a damn about my reputation Vou're linving in the past it's a new generation Damn! (Whinnying) A giri can do what she wants to do And that's what Im gonna do A
 auarnted to ingrove my station AN! (laughs) And I'm alwayvs feelin good when l'a having fun Yeah! And I don't have to please no one -The chair! Gie him the chairl And I don't give a damn about my bad repAR
 tFm here ti Thursday. Try the veall Ha, hal (Shrek laughs) (Crawd gasping, murauring) -Shall t give the order, sir? -No, I have a better sdea. People of Dutoc, I give you our champion! -What?-Congratulations, orge. ou're w
 (Crowd marmaring) indeed. All right, orge. i'l make you a deal Go on ths quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back. Exactly the way it was?-Down to the last simecovered toadstool, Andthe
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 e clon't have because he fitled it full of freaks in the first place. -Is that about right?-Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldnt talk. 4 don't get it. Why don't you just pull somne of that orge stu on him? Th
 you chmped those take crea
 and put their heads on a aike, gotten a knife, cut opes their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?-Uh, no, not really, na. For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think. Example Eample
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 hite haus -Noel Layers! Onions have tayers, Orges have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. (Sighs) -Oh, you both have layers. Oh. [Sniffs) You know, not everybody Sikes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakest Cae
 decapitated an
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 owne parfait, " they say, "No, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious. -No! You dense, iritating, miniature beast of burdent Orges are like onionst And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later. Partaits may be the most delicious thiing
 e my way from misery to happiness today Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh Fm on my way from misery to happiness today Uh-huh,uh-buh, uh-huh, uh-huh And everything that you receive up yonder is what you
 outh was open. Believe me., Donkey, if it was me. you'd be dead. (Smdffs) it's brimstone We must be getting cfose. Yeah, right, brimstone Don't be talkung about it's the brimstone. I know wtsat I smell. It wasn't no trimstone. It die
 e layers? On, aye -Well, t have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sieeves. -Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves.-You know what I mean. You can't tel me you're atraid oi
 , we'l just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time. Really?-Really, really. Okay, that makes me feel so much better Just keep moving. And don't laok down. Okay, don't look doan. Don't look down. Don'ty
 y haifway -Buat I know that half is safel Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back. -Shrek, not Wait!-Just, Donkey- -Let's have a dance then, shail me? -Don't do thati-Oh, Im sorry. Do what?-Oh this? Yes, thatl Yes? Yes, do it Olay. [Sre
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 oN Ihar B do Donkey TharR da Cool So whene is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway inside, waiting for us to rescue her (Chuckles) I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek (Water dripping, wind howling) You afroid? -No. -ButShh Oh, goad. Me neither. (Gasps)-Caune
 on, Emight add. with a dhagon thar breathes fre and eats knights and breathes hre, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that. (Gasps) -Donkey, two things, okay? Shut up. Now go over there and see if you can
 the tallest tower -what makes you think she be there?-I read it in a book once. Cool. You handle the dragon, Ill handle the stairs. I'R find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they'e goin. (Creacing) -Fm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it
 rit-Weld at least we inow where the princess is, but where's the--Dragon! (Screams) (Gasps) (Roars)-Donkey, look out! (Screams) Whimperingj-Got ya! (Roars) (Gasps) (Shouts)-Whoal Whoal Wwhoal (Screaming) (Gasps) -Ohl Aah! Aahl (Gasping) (Crowls)-No. On, ne
 his all time from gour food, but you must bleach, ause that is one dazzling smile you got there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're - You're a giri dragont On, suref i mean, of course you're a girt dragon., You're just reeking of feminine beauty
 now fm -Coughs) 4m an asthnmatic, and I don't knou f it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek! (Gasps) (Whimpering) -Nol Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! (Groans, Sighs) (Vocaliring)-Ohl Oht -Wake spl -What? Are you Princess Fiona?-I am, waiting a knight so bold as to
 onderful romantic moment?-Weah, sorry lady There's no timne. -Hey wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed. Youve had a lot of ime to plan this, haveni t you? Mm-hmm. Screams, grunts)-But ore
 ingJ don't tuint sa. -Can fat least know the name of my champion? -Um, Shrek. Sir Shrek. (Cleans throat) -I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude. Thanks (Roaring) You didn't stay the dragon? t's oney to-do tist. Novw come on! (Screams) But this isn't right! You w
 one they burst into flame. -Thar's not the point Ohf-Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there. -Well, I have to save my ass. -What kind of knight are you? -One of a kind Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. l believe it's healthy to get to know someone oves a long pesriod of fime
 nalyeady for a commitment ot ut, this-- Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for Magnitude Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey what are you doing? Okay, okay tet's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We realy should get to know each other first an trie
 tha Thar's ang tail That's mypersonal tail. You're gonna tear it off I don't give permission- -What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now No way No! No! No. no! No. No, no, no. Nol Oh! (Grows Roaring Gasps) H, Princess t talks Yeah, t's getting him to shut up that's the trick
 You're wondertul You re a ittle unorthodox E8 admit. But they deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am en
 of the dragon choing)-Runl Gasping) Screamingl(Roaring (Screams) (Roars) (Panting sighs) (Whiopers) (Roars) You did it! You rescued mel You're amazing. You're
 heard that. She called me a moble steed. She think fm a steed.-The battle is won. You may remove your heimet, good Sir Knight. Uh, no. Why not? -I have helmet hair. Please. I would st look upon the tace of ony rescuer No, no you wouldn't st. But how will you kiss me?-What?
 ociacess lncked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss. -Hmm? With Shrek? You think Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love? -Wel, yes (laughingE) You think Shrek is your true lkovel-What is so tunny? Let's just
 Ireally don't think this is a good idea Just take off the helmet. rm not going toa. -Take ot off -Nol Now!-0kay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness. You- You're a-an orge Oh you were expectirg Prince Charmng Well, yes, actualy. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You re not suppos
 s tmary you-Then wiy didn't he come resEue me?-Good question. You should ask him that when we get there. But I have to be resced by my true love, not by some prge and his his pet. Somach for noble steed. You're not making any pb any easer. m sorry but your job is not
 e Hey!Imno one's messenger boy all right? Fm a delvery boy -You wouldn't dare. Put me don! Ya comin, Donkey? -m righht betend ya. Put me down, or you wil sufter the consequences! This is not dignied! Put ne down! -Okay, so bere's another question, Say there's a woma
 Heyl (Sighs) -The sooner we get to Dutoc the better -Vou'te gonna love it there, Princess. t's beautifull And what of tay groc
 rt supply (Laughs) 4 don't know There are those who think fitle of him. Stop it. Stop it, both of you Youre just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler Mike Lord Farquaad. Yeah, well, maybe you re right, Proncess BuT 18let you do the measuring when you see him tome
 ingBut there's robbers in the soods Whoal Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good. Hey cone on Im scarier than anything we re gong to see in this forest -I need to find somewtere to canp now 1rds wings fluttering) {Grusting Hey! Over here Shrek, we can d
 sarenthurt but you don't get burned to a crEsp and eaten? You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what happens when you find your
 eHomey touches? Like what? (Crashing) A door? Well gentlemen, I bid thee good night. You want me to read you a bedtime story?I wik I said good night! -Sturek, What are you doing? Laughs) Ijust-Yu know
 Oh, cme on l was just kidding. (Fire cracking) And, uh, that on
 these stars?-The stars don't tell the future, Donkey They tell stories. Look there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famnous for know you're making this up. No look. There he is and there's the grmup of hunters running away from his stench. That ain't nothis
 Sets/-HHey Shrek, what we gomna do when we get our swarmp anyway?-Our swamp?-You knoN when we're through rescuing the proncess. We? Donkey, there's no we. There's no our There's just me and my swamp The first thing I'm gomna do s buld a ten-foot wall arond my
 s past a way to keep somebedy out. -No, do ya think -Are you hidin' something? Never mind, Donkey Oh, ttos is another one of those on on things, isn't t? No, this is one of those drop-st and leave it alore things. Why don't you want to talk about it?-Why do you want to tal
 to keep out?Everyonel Olay?-Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere -Oh! For the love of PetelWhat's your problem? What you got aganst the whole world anysay-Look Im not the one with the problems okayi it s the world t
 s why fm better off alone. You ksow what? When we met, I didat think you was just a big, stupid, ugly orge Yeat tknow So, uh, are there ary donkeys upthere? Well, there's
 seems to have a problem with me. People take
 one, right there. That one
 Show me the princess. -HmphAh. Perfect (Inhales) Snoring) (Vacakzing) (Whisting) (Sizzling) {Sniffs, yawns Mnm, yeah, you know t ike t ike shat. Come on, baby. I said tlike it-Donkey wake up. -uh? What? Wake opWhatGood mosning. Hm, bow io you like your
 to make it up to you. I mean, afer all, you did rescue me Uh, thanks. (Smiffs} Well, eat up. We ve got a big day ahead of us (Delches) Shre What? R's a complment Better out than n, Ialways say laughs) Well.ts no way to tehave in front of a princess. (8elches) -Thanh
 udge people before you get to know them. (vocalzng) -La libertef Hey! Princess (Laughs) What are you dosog? Be stil mon dherie, for l an you savior! And I am rescuing you from this green- Kissing sounds) beast Hey -That's my proncessi Go find you ownt Please, monster
 Gabby, the Small and Annoying Okay okay, 1see it now The big shiny
 Piease let me introduse myseit Oh, Merry Men.aughs)Accordion) Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo I steal trom thenchand ghe to the needy. He takes a wee percentage But I'm not greedy.Irescue pretty damsels Man,mgod What agy Monsier Hood Break it down tke an
 grabs a lady by the tush That's bad That's bad When a beauty's with a beast it nakes me awfuly mad He's rsad He's really realy mad t take my blade and ram it throuh your heart Keep your eves an me, hoys cause fm about to start (Gruts, Groans (xarate Yelij Merry Mer
 ies)-Uh. shall we?-Hold the phone. (Grunts) OhE Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now Where did that come from Whathat8ack there: That was aoazing! Wheredd you learn that Well
 Chuckles) When one lves alone, uh, one has to tearn these things in case there's a
 hat's wrong?-Shrek's hurt. -Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, nD, Shrek's gonna dhe. -Donkey, Im okay Youcan't co this too me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know tne Heimlch! -Deoniey! Can down. t you
 t Blue flower, red thorns. Don t die Shrek If you see a long tunner stay away from the lght! (Both) DonkeyOR, veah. Right Bke flower, red thorns. What are the flowers for? For getting rid of Donkey -Ah. Now you hold stli, and yank this thing out. -Ow! Hey! Easy w
 eip Dont mowe. Look time out. -Would you-Grunts Okay. What do you propose we do? Blue fiowes red thorms Blue fower red thoms, Blue tiowes, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasntiror bind! Bue flower ret thorns. -Owl Hold on, Shreki Fm com
 We were jusz, uh -Aook, if you aanted to be alane all you had to do was ask. Okay? Oh, come anl Tkat's the last thing os my rnd The princess here was just gh Owl Hey what's that?Nervous chickbe) That's is that blood? (Seehs) (Bird churpng} (Grunts) My bel
 ther Aah. She wi always be the only thing That comes between me and the awha sting That coRTes from iving in a world that's so dame mean (Croaks) Oh, oh oh oh oh Hey! La-la, la-la, la-la la la (Both laoghingž La-la, la la, la la -1here it is, Princest Your future awaits
 ns he has a really--Ow! Um, L uhIguess we better move on Sure But, Shrek? Pa - To worried atout Donkey (Blubbering) What? Emean, look at him. Ne doesn t look so good. What are yu talking about? Im Bne. -That's what they ways say, and then next t
 make you some tea -Ididn't want to say nothin, but I got this twrge in my neck, and whenf turn any head ike this, loak, Bones crunch Ow See Who's hungry? I'8 fnd us some dinnes. T'8 get the frewood. hey, where you goii ? On, man, I can't feel my toes! i do
 kidding Well, this is delicious.-Wel they're also great in stews Now 1 don't mean to brag buz I make a mean weedrat stew (Chcking ISighs1guessi be dining a lttle differently tomonrow nignt. (Gulns) -Maybe you can tDme visit me s the swamp sometime. f
 the pyramids along the Nile-Um, Princess? Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle Yes. Shrek? -1, um, 1 was wondering. Just reaember daring al the while Areyou- You belong to me Sighs) Are you ponna eat that? (Chuckles) -Man,Snt this romangic? lust look at th
 the dark, aren't you?-Yes! Yes, that's it. l'en terrified. You know Id better go ins de Dont feel bad, Proncess, losed to be afrakt of the dark, too, unti
 di know you twa were diggin on each other i coudd feel it. You're crazy. Imjust beinging ner back to Farquazd Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and soelf the pheromones: Just go on in and tell her how you feel. There i nothing to tel. Besides, even ifidid tell he
 goin?-To gec...move firewood. (5ighs} Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where ae you? (Wings futtenog) Pricess? (Creakingl (Gasps) ts very spooky in here. Iain't piayingno games. (Screams-Aah! Os, nol No, helpl Shi!-Shrekl Shrek! Shrek! No, it's o
 cess. Can you hear me? Donkey!-Uisten, keep breathing l get you out of therel No: Shrekf Srek! Shrekt Sh Sarek! Th s is me, (Mufflexd mumbling) Proncess? What happened to you? You se, u uh, ut, different. Fo u, okay? Well, yeah! Was t somet
 lcan remember -What do you mean? Look, I aire't never seen you tke this before It s only fhappens when sun goes down Bynght one way, by day anuther. This shall be the norm unt you firut troe kove's hrst kiss and then take love's true form. Ah, that's
 e this. This horrible, ugly beast! i was placed in a tower to await the day my troe love wouldresne me. thas's why f have to mary Lord arquaad tomoIow before the sun sets and the sees me like this (Sobs) -Alrght, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bas
 cess, and this is not how a princess is meact to took Princess how bout if you don t marry Farquaad thave to. Only my true fove's kiss can break the spell But, you know um. yoe're kond of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a lot io common, Shrek? Princ
 dwell, i don't realy like it, bat I thought you might bke it cause you re pretty But I Nke you anyway f'd -- at, uh - (Sighs| min trouble Okay, here we go. Ican't hst oarry whoever want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, ceally, who can ever love a
 ive happily ever after is to marry my true fove. Deep sgh Don't you see, Dorkey? That's just how it has to be. it's the only way to break the spell. You at least gotta telt Shrek the truth. -No! You can't breathe a word No one must ever know What's the po
 Hey no, wait. lm still atraid of the dark. (Shrek sighs) Good rsight Good ngnt Door creaks} -Ohh! Now I really
 A ONOW before this is over, Fem gonna need a whole lot of seriouS therapy. -Look at my eye baitchin. Door opens) (5noring)-I tel hirm, t tell him not. Itel him, I tell h not. I ted hims Shrek Shrek there scmething
A pencil case with the entire script of Shrek on it

A pencil case with the entire script of Shrek on it

Were Through: {Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss. {Laughing} Like that's ever gonna happen. {Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes} What a load of - Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me l ain't the sharpest tool in the shed She was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb In the shape of an "L" on her forehead The years start comin' and they don't stop comin' Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin' Didn't make sense not to live for fun Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb So much to do so much to see So what's wrong with takin' the backstreets You'll never know if you don't go You'll never shine if you don't glow Hey, now You're an all-star Get your game on, go play Hey, now You're a rock star Get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootin' stars break the mould It's a cool place and they say it gets colder You're bundled up now but wait till you get older But the meteor men beg to differ Judging by the hole in the satellite picture The ice we skate is gettin' pretty thin The water's getting warm so you might as well swim My world's on fire How 'bout yours That's the way I like it and I'll never get bored Hey, now, you're an all-star {Shouting} Get your game on, go play Hey, now You're a rock star Get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootin' stars break the mould {Belches} Go! Go! {Record Scratching} Go. Go. Go. Hey, now, you're an all-star Get your game on, go play Hey, now You're a rock star Get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootin' stars break the mould -Think it's in there? -All right. Let's get it! -Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you? -Yeah, it'll grind your bones for its bread. {Laughs} -Yes, well, actually, that would be a giant. Now, ogres - - They're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin. -No! -They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast. -Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya! {Gasping} -Right. {Roaring} {Shouting} {Roaring} {Whispers} This is the part where you run away. {Gasping} {Laughs} {Laughing} And stay out! "Wanted. Fairy tale creatures." {Sighs} {Man's voice} All right. This one's full. -Take it away! {Gasps) -Move it along. Come on! Get up! -Next! -Give me that! Your flying days are over. That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next! -Get up! Come on! -Twenty pieces. {Thudding} -Sit down there! -Keep quiet! {Crying} -This cage is too small. -Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please! Give me another chance! -Oh, shut up. -Oh! -Next! -What have you got? -This little wooden puppet. -l'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. -Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. -Father, please! Don't let them do this! -Help me! -Next! What have you got? -Well, I've got a talking donkey. {Grunts} -Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it. -Oh, go ahead, little fella. -Well? -Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - - -That's it. I've heard enough. Guards! -No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw. -Get her out of my sight. -No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk! {Gasps} -Hey! I can fly! -He can fly! -He can fly! -He can talk! -Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey. You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha! Oh-oh. {Grunts} -Seize him! -After him! He's getting away! {Grunts, Gasps} {Man} -Get him! This way! Turn! -You there. Ogre! -Aye? -By the order of Lord Farquaad l am authorized to place you both under arrest and transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility. -Oh, really? You and what army? {Gasps, Whimpering} {Chuckles} -Can I say something to you? -Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible! Are you talkin' to -- me? Whoa! -Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards! They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that. -Oh, that's great. Really. -Man, it's good to be free. -Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm? -But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us. {Roaring) -Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks! You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - - {Mumbling} Than l ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day. -Why are you following me? -l'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all alone There's no one here beside me My problems have all gone There's no one to deride me But you gotta have friends -- -Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends. -Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest. -Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I? -Uh -- Really tall? -No! I'm an ogre! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you? -Nope. -Really? -Really, really. -Oh. -Man, I like you. What's you name? -Uh, Shrek. -Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing. I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that? -That would be my home. -Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. -l guess you don't entertain much, do you? -I like my privacy. -You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence. -Can Istay with you? -Uh, what? -Can I stay with you, please? -of course! -Really? -No. -Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please! -Okay! Okay! But one night only. -Ah! Thank you! -What are you - - No! No! -This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' l'm makin' waffles. -Oh! -Where do, uh, I sleep? -Outside! -Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know. {Sniffles} -Here I go. -Good night. {Sighs} -I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, i guess, you know. By myself, outside. I'm all alone There's no one here beside me {Bubbling} {Sighs} {Creaking} {Sighs} -I thought I told you to stay outside. -I'm outside. {Clattering} -Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? -It's not home, but it'll do just fine. -What a lovely bed. -Got ya. {Sniffs} I found some cheese. -Ow! {Grunts} -Blah! Awful stuff. -Is that you, Gorder? -How did you know? -Enough! What are you doing in my house? {Grunts} -Hey! {Snickers} -Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table. -Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken. -Huh? {Gasps}{Male voice} What? -l live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying ogre! What do I have to do get a little privacy? -Aah! -Oh, no. No! No! {Cackling} -What? - Quit it. -Don't push. {Squeaking} {Lows} - What are you doing in my swamp? {Echoing} Swamp! Swamp! Swamp! {Gasping} -Oh, dear! -Whoa! -All right get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey! -Quickly. Come on! -No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there. -Oh! {Sighs} -Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them. -Oh, gosh, no one invited us. -What? -We were forced to come here. -By who? -Lord Farquaad. -He huffed und he puffed und he... signed an eviction notice. {Sighs} -All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is? {Murmuring} -Oh, I do. I know where he is. -Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all? -Me! Me! -Anyone? -Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me! {Sighs} -Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from! {Cheering} {Twittering} -Oh! You! You're comin' with me. - All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it! -On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek. -Hey. Oh, oh! -I can't wait to get on the road again. -What did I say about singing? -Can I whistle? -No. -Can I hum it? -All right hum it. {Humming} {Grunts} {Whimpering} -That's enough. He's ready to talk. {Coughing} {Laughing} {Clears throat} -Run, run, run, as fast as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man! -You are a monster. -l'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that she's married to the muffin man. -The muffin man? -The muffin man! -She's married to the muffin man. {Door opens} -My lord! We found it. -Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in. {Man grunting} {Gasping} -Oh! -Magic mirror - - -Don't tell him anything! -No! {Gingerbread man whispers} -Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? -Well, technically you're not a king. -Uh, Thelonius. -You were saying? -What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one. Al you have to do is marry a princess. -Go on. {Chuckles} -So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella. -Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out whata live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White! -And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded c. bachelorette number three? -Two! Two! -Three! Three! -Two! Two! -Three! -Three? One? {Shudders} Three? --Three! Pick number three, my lord! -Okay, okay, uh, number three! -Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona. If you like pina coladas and getting caught in the rain -Princess Fiona. If you're not into voga -She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go -- -But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night. -l'll do it. -Yes, but after sunset - - -Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and Duloc will finally have the perfect king! Captain assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament. -But that's it. That's it right there. That's Du Loc. I told ya l'd find it. -So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle. -Uh-huh. That's the place. -Do you think mayl {Whimpering} {Sighs} {Whimpering, Groans} {Turnstile clatters} {Chuckles} {Sighs} -It's quiet. Too quiet. {Creaking} -Where is everybody? -Hey, look at this! {Clattering, whirring, clicking} Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town Here we have some rules Let us lay them down Don't make waves, stay in line And we'll get along fine Duloc is perfect place Please keep off of the grass Shine your shoes, wipe your... face Duloc is, DuLoc is DuLoc is perfect ...place {Camera shutter clicks {Whirring} -Wow! Let's do that again! -No. No. No, no, no! No. {Trumpet fanfare} {Crowd cheering} -Brave knights. -You are the best and brightest in all the land. -Today one of you shall prove himself - - -All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom. -Sorry about that. {Cheering} -That champion shall have the honour - - no, no -- the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you may die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make. {Cheering} -Let the tournament begin! {Gasps} -Oh! -What is that? {Gasping} -It's hideous! -Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey. -Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the ogre will be named champion! Have it him! -Get him! -Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now. -Go ahead! Get him! -Can't we just settle this over a pint? -Kill the beast! -No? All right then. Come on! I don't give a damn about my reputation You' re living in the past It's a new generation -Damn! {Whinnying} A girl can do what she wants to do and that's what I'm gonna do And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me Me, me, me -Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me! And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation Never said I wanted to improve my station -Ah! {Laughs} And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun -Yeah! And I don't have to please no one -The chair! Give him the chair! And I an? -The muffin man? -The muffin man. -Yes tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where the others? -Eat me! {Grunts} -I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll - - -No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons. -All right then. Who's hiding them? -Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane? -Well, irrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that coo! you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina coladas and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! -So, will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or e's compensating for something? {Laughs} {Groans}-Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek. -Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry. -Hey, you! {Screams} -Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - - don't give a damn about my bad reputation Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me Me, me, me Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me {Bell dings} {Cheering} {Laughs} -Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha! {Shrek laughs} {Crowd gasping, murmuring} -Shall I give the order, sir? -No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion! -What? -Congratulations, ogre. You're won the honour of embarking on a great and noble quest.Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back. -Your swamp? -Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures! {Crowd murmuring) -Indeed. All right, ogre. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back. -Exactly the way it was? -Down to the last slime-covered toadstool. -And the squatters? -As good as gone. -What kind of quest? -Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place. -Is that about right? -Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk. -l don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole ogre trip. -Oh, I know what. Maybe l could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you? -Uh, no, not really, no. -For your information, there's a lot more to ogres than people think. -Example? -Example? Okay, um, ogres are like onions. -{Sniffs} They stink? -Yes - - No! -They make you cry. -No! -You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs. -No! Layers! Onions have layers. 0gres have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. {Sighs} -Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers. -I don't care... what everyone likes. Ogres are not like cakes. -You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious. -No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later. -Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet. -You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissue or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering. I'm on my way from misery to happiness today Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh l'm on my way from misery to happiness today Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh And everything that you receive up yonder Is what you give to me the day I wander I'm on my way I'm on my way I'm on my way -Oh! Shrek! Did you do that? -You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's brimstone We must be getting close. -Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither. {Rumbling} -Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location. {Laughing} -Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said ogres have layers? -Oh, aye. -Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves. -Waita second. Donkeys don't have sleeves. -You know whatl mean. -You can't tell me you're afraid of heights. -l'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava! -Come on, D moving. Don't look down. {Gasps} -Shrek! l'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! -But you're already halfway. -But I know that half is safe! -Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back. -Shrek, no! Wait! -Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me? -Don't do that! -Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? -Oh, this? -Yes, that! -Yes? Yes, do it. Okay. {Screams} -No, Shrek! No! Stop it! -You said do it! I'm doin' it. -l'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh! -That'll do, Donkey. That'Il do. -Cool. -So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway? -Inside, waiting for us to rescue her. {Chuckles} -I was talkin' about the dracon, Shre lk. {Water dripping, wind howling} -You afraid? -No. -But - - - Shh. -Oh, good. Me neither. {Gasps} -Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation,I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that. {Gasps} -Donkey, two things, okay? Shut .. up. Now go over there and seeyou can find any stairs. -Stairs? | thought we was lookin' for the princess.-The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower. -What makes you think she |l be there? -I read it in a book once. -Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'. {Creaking} -l'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it. -Well, at least wwe know where the princess is, but where's the - - -Dragon! {Screams} {Gasps} {Roars} -Donkey, look out! {Screams} {Whimpering} -Got ya! {Roars}{Gasps} {Shouts} -Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! {Screaming} {Gasps} -Oh! Aah! Aah! {Gasping} {Crowls} -No. Oh, no, No! {Screams} -Oh, what large teeth you have. {Crowls}-l mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Oh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - - (Coughs) -l'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek! {Gasps} {Whimpering} -No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! {Groans, Sighs} {Vocalizing} -Oh! Oh! -Wake up! -What? -Are you Princess Fiona? -l am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me. -Oh, that's nice. Now let's go! -But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment? -Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time. -Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed. -You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you? -Mm-hmm. {Screams, grunts} -But we have to savour this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something! -l don't think so. -Can l at least know the name of my champion? -Um, Shrek. -Sir Shrek. {Cleans throat) -I pray that you take this favour as a token of my gratitude. -Thanks! {Roaring} -You didn't slay the dragon? -It's on my to-do list. Now come on! {Screams} - But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did. -Yeah, right before they burst into flame. -That's not the point. Oh! -Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there. -Well, I have to save my ass. -What kind of knight are you? -One of a kind. -Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long period of time. Just call me old-fashioned. {Laughs} -I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - - Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot, but I just love ieceiving cards - - I'd really love to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh! {Growls} {Roaring} {Gasps} -Hi, Princess!-It talks! -Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick. {Screams} {Screaming} -Oh! {Thuds} {Groans} {Roars} {Roaring} -Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon. (Echoing} -Run! {Gasping} {Screaming} {Roaring} {Screams} {Roars} {Panting, sighs} {Whimpers} {Roars} -You did it! -You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful. You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. {Clears throat} -And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed? -I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed. -The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sin Knight. -Uh, no. -Why not? -I have helmet hair. -Please. I wouldn't look upon the face of my rescuer. -No, no, you wouldn't - - 'nt. -But how will you kiss me? -What? That wasn't in the job description. -Maybe it's a perk. -No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss. -Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love? -Well, yes. {Laughing} -You think Shrek is your true love! -What is so funny? -Let's just say I'm not your type, okay? -Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your hel met. -Look. I really don't think this is a good idea. -Just take off the helmet. -l'm not going to. -Take it off. -No! -Now! -Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness. -You- - You're a- - an ogre. -Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming. -Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an ogre. {Sighs} -Princess, I was sent toes ue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you. -Then why didn't he come rescue me? -Good question. You should ask him that when we get there. - But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some ogre and his- - his pet. -So much for noble steed. -You're not making my job any easier. -l'm sorry, but yourjob is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here. -Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, al right? . m a delivery boy. -You wouldn't dare. Put me down! -Ya comin', Donkey? -l'm right behind ya. -Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down! -Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten? -You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knows what happens when you find y put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply. {Laughs} -l don't know. There are those who think little of him. -Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad. -Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the "measuring Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good. -Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest. -I need to find somewhere to camp now! {Birds wings fluttering} {Grunting) -Hey! Over here. -Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess. -No, no, it's perfect. It just neeua fe homey touches. -Homey touches? Like what? {Crashing} -A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night. -You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will. -I said good night! - Shrek, what are you doing? {Laughs} -I just- - You know - -Oh, come on. I was just kidding. {Fire cracking} -And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only ogre to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah. -Hay, can you tell my future from these stars? -The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for. That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots. -You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it. {Sighs} -Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway? -Ours vamp? You know, when we're through rescuing the princess. -We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out. -No, do ya think? -Are you hidin' something? -Never mind, Donkey. -Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it? -No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things. -Why don't you want to talk about it? -Why do you want to talk about it? -Why are you blocking? -l'm not blocking. -Oh, yes, you are. -Donkey, I'm warning you. -Who you trying to keep out? -Everyone! Okay? -Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere. -Oh! For the love of Pete! -What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway? -Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me an the Small and Annoying. -Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there? -That's the moon. -Oh, okay. {Orchestra} {Dulcimer} -Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to m morning, Princess! -What's all this about? -You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me. -Uh, thanks. {Sniffs} -Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us. {Belches} -Shrek! -What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs) WlI, it's no way to behave in front of a princess. {Belches} -Thanks. -She's as nasty as you are. -{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected. -Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them. {Vocalizing} -La liberte! Hey! -Princess! {Laughs} -What are you doing? -Be still, mon cherie, for I am you saviour! And l am rescuing you from this green- rich and give to the needy. He takes a wee percentage, But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damsels Man, I'm good What a guy, Monsieur Hood Break it down ! like an honest fight and a saucylittle maid What he's basically saying is he likes to get -- Paid So When an ogre in the bush grabs a lady by the tush That's bad hat's bad When aeauty's with a beast it makes me awfully mad He's mad He's really, really mad I'll take my blade and ram it through your heart Keep your ees on me, boys 'cause I'm about to start {Grunts, Groans} {Karate Yell} {Merry Men Gasping} {Panting} -Man, that was annoying! -Oh, you little- - {Karate Ye!l} {Accordion} {Shouting, groaning} {Chuckles} -Uh, shall we look at that? -Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry. -Why? What's wrong? -Shrek's hurt. -Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die. -Donkey, I'm okay. -You can't do this to me, Sek. !a too young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich? -ney Ca Im down. If yoou want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns. -Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light! -{Both) Donkey! -Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns. -What are the flowers for? -For getting rid of Donkey. -Ah. -Now you hold stil, and I'll yank this thing out. -Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'. -l'm sorry, but it has to come out. -No, it's tender. -Now, hold onhatyou're do flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't colour-blind! Blue flower, red thorns. -Ow! -Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'! -Ow! Not good. -Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head. {Grunts} -It's just about - - -Ow! Oh! -Ahem. -Nothing happened. We were just, uh - - -Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had chirping} {Grunts} My beloved monster and me We go everywhere together Wearin' a raincoat that has four sleeves Gets us through all kinds of weather -Aah! She will always be the only thing That comes between me and the awful sting That comes from living in a world that's so damn mean {Croaks} Oh, oh oh-th-o. compensating for something, which I think means he has a really - - Ow! -Um, I, uh- - I guess we better move on. -Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey. {Blubbering} -What? -l mean, lookat him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine. -That's what they always say, and then next ching you kiow, mu n on your back. Dead. -You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down? -Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea. -I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, {Bones crunch} -Ow! See? -Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner. -l'll get the firewood. -Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug. -Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this? -Uh, weedrat. Rot ser styl -No k 'aing. Well, this is delicious. -Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but Il make a mean weedrat stew. {Chuckling} {Sighs} -l guess l'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night. {Gulps} -Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fisheye tartare - -you name it. {Chuckles} -l°d like that. {Slurps, laughs} See the pyramids along the Nile -Um, Princess? Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle -Yes hre Sunset? -Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late. -What? -Waita minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you? -Yes! Yes, that's it. II'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside. -Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until - - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark. {Sh.ek sighs) Go d vigh -e And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it. -You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad. -Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel. -I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know - - and I'm not sayin fluttering) -Princess? {Creaking} {Gasps} -It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games. {Screams} -Aah! -Oh, no! -No, hel p! -Shh! -Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! -No, it's okay. It's okay. -What did you do with the princess? -Donkey, I'm the princess. -Aah! -It's me, in this body. -Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hea. uh, different. -I'm ugly, okay? -Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'CauseI told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - --No. -I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember. -What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before. -It's only happens when sun goes do spell. (Sighs -When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why i have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this. {Sobs} -All right, all right Calm how a princess is meant to look. -Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad? -l have to. Only niy true love's kiss can break the spel. -But, you know, um, you're kind of an ogre, and Shrek - - well, you got a lot in common. -Shrek? -Princess, I -- Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm kay. i s t tniMow I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go. -I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek. {Gasps} -My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my ever know. -What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets? -Promise you won't tell. Promise! -All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy. -Look at my eye twitchin'. {Door opens} {Snoring} - tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I teli him not. I tell him. -Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - - {Snoring} -Shrek. Are you all right? -Perfect! Never been better. -I - - I don't -- There's something I have to tell you. -You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night. -You heard what I said? -Every word. -I thought you'd understand. -Oh, I understand. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?" -But I thought that wouldn't matter to you. -Yeah? Well, it does. {Gasps, sighs} -Ah, right on time. {Horse whinnies} -Princess, I've brought you a little something. {Fanfare} {Yawns} -What'd I miss? What'd I miss? {Muffled} -Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey. -Princess Fiona. -As promised. Now hand it over. -Very well, ogre. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed. -Take it and go before l change my mind. -Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you starded me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad. -Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no. {Snaps fingers} -Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell. -Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the ogre. It's not like it has feelings. -No, you're right. It doesn't. - Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawless Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage. {Gasps} -Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom? -Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make -- -Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed! -No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets. -Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! There's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests! -Fare-thee-well, ogre. -Shrek, y. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time. -Really? -Really, really. -Okay, that makes me feel so much better. -Just keep moving. And don't look down. -Okay, don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down. Keep on Hey! {Sighs} -The sooner we get to DuLoc the better. -You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful! -And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like? -Let me whon you see him tomorrow. -Tomorrow? It'l! take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp? -No, that'll take longer. We can keep going. -But there's robbers in the woods. -Whoa! know you're making this up. -No, look. There he is, and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench. - There's just ne and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall around my land. -You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big,tu pid, ugly ogre!" They judge me before they even know me. That's why 'm better off alo ne. -You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly ogre. -Yeah, I know. -So, uh, are there any donkeys up there? -Well, there's, um, Gabby, the princess. -Hmph. -Ah. Perfect. {Inhales} {Snoring} {Vocalizing} {Whistling} {Sizzling} {Sniffs, yawi s} -Mrmm, yeah, you know I like it like that. --Come on, baby. I saidi like it. -Donkey, wake up. -Huh? What? -Wake up. -What? -Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs? -Good Show {Kissingrounds} -lbuast. -Hey! -That's my princess! Go find you own! -Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here ok, pal, I don't know who you think you are! -Oh! Of course! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduce myself. Oh, Merry Men. {Laughs} {Accordion} Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo. I steal from the d the phone. (Grunts} Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from? -What? -That! Back there ha wa amazing! Where id you learn that? -Well -- {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt! -What? Oh, would you -H gis the opposite of help. -Don't move. -Look, time out. -Wwould you - - {Grunts} -Okay. What do you propose we do? -Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue y? -Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- - Ugh! -Ow! -Hey, what's that? {Nervous chuckle} -That's- - Is that blood? {Sighs} {Bird a-la, lz-la-la-la {Both laughing} La-la, la-la, la-la -There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you. -That's Duloc? -Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's was ask O Hey! La-l was wondering. Just remember, darling all the while -Are you- - You belong to me {Sighs} -Are you gonna eat that? {Chuckles} -Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset. - night. {Door creaks} -Oh! NowI really see what's goin' on here. -Oh, what are you talkin' about? -I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. she's a princess, and I'm - - -An ogre? -Yeah. An ogre. -Hey, where you goin'? -To get.... move firewood. {Sighs} -Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you? {Wings 'key! -Lisen keep breathing! I'll get you out of there! -No! -Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! -Shh. -Shrek! -This is me. {Muffled mumbling} -Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, V cay another. This shall be the norm... until you find true love's first kiss.. and then take love's true form." -Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry. -It's a on that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7. -But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not ra d thought of you because it's pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but l thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh - - (Sighs)- 0 -Dolit you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell. -You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth. -No! You can't breathe a word. No one must P ISE e-D "By . K, it's {Dec, what are you doing? You're letting her get away. -Yeah? So what? -Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, She's - - -I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home? -Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you. -I told you, didn't l? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys! -But I thought -- -Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong! -Shrek. I heard there was a secret chord That David played and it pleased the Lord But you don't really care for music, do ya It goes like this the fourth, the fifth The minor fall the major lift The baffled king composing hallelujah Hallelujah, hallelujah Baby, I've been here before I know this room I've walked this floor I used to live alone before I knew you I've seen your flag on the marble arch But love is not a victory march It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah Hallelujah, hallelujah And all I ever learned from love Is how to shoot at someone Who outdrew you {Moaning} And it's not a cry you can hear at night It's not somebody who's seen the light It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah {Moaning} Hallelujah, halielujah {Thumping sound) -Donkey? {Grunts} -What are you doing? -I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one. -Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it. -It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half. -Oh! Your half. Hmm. -Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head. -Back off! -No, you back off. -This is my swamp! -Our swamp. -Let go, Donkey! -You let go. -Stubborn jackass! -Smelly ogre. -Fine! -Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet. -Well, I'm through with you. -Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away. -Oh, yeah? Well, if i treated you so bad, how come you came back? -Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other! -Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in the back! -Oh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings. -Go away! - There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you. -Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. ! heard the two of you talking. -She wasn't talkin' about you. She was tal kin' about, uh, somebody else. -She wasn't tallking about me? Well, then who was she talking about? -Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right? -Donkey! -No! -Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right? {Sighs} -l*m sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly ogre. Can you forgive me? -Hey, that's what friends are for, right? -Right. Friends? -Friends. -So, um, what did Fiona say about me? -What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her? -The wedding! We'l! never make it in time. -Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I have a way. {Whistles} -Donkey? -l guess it's just my animal magnetism. {Laughing} -Aw, come here, you. -All right, all right. Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet. -Whoo! {Bells tolling} {All gasping} -People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witness to the union.... -Um- -of our new king ---Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"? {Chuckling} -Go on. -Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you? -What are you talking about? -There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!" -I don't have time for this! -Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Lock, you love this woman, don't you? -Yes. -You wanna hold her? -Yes. -Please her? -Yes! -Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that romantic crap! -All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line? -We gotta check it out. -And so, by the power vested in me, -What do you see? -The whole town's in there. -l now pronounce you husband and wife, -They're at the altar. -king and queen. -Mother Fletcher! He already said it. -Oh, for the love of Pete! {Grunts} -l object! -Shrek? {Gasps} -Oh, now what does he want? -Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all. Very clean. -What are you doing here? -Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wanis you, but showring up uninvited to a wedding - - -Fiona! I need to talk to you. -Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me - -- But you can't marry him. -And why not? -Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king. -Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him. -He's not your true love. -And what do you know about true love? -Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - - -Oh, this is precious. The ogre has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord. {Crowd laughing} -An ogre and a princess! -Shrek, is this true? -Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm! -"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before. {Whimpers} {Crown gasping -Well, uh, that explains a lot. -Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both! -No, no! -Shrek! -This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See? -No, let go of me! Shrek! -No! -Don't just stand there, you morons. -Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! -l'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn Y'all know what to do,please
Were Through: {Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss. {Laughing} Like that's ever gonna happen. {Paper Rusting, Toilet
 Flushes} What a load of - Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me l ain't the sharpest tool in the shed She was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb In the shape of an "L" on her forehead The years start comin' and they don't stop comin' Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin' Didn't make sense not to live for fun Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb So much to do so much to see So what's wrong with takin' the backstreets You'll never know if you don't go
 You'll never shine if you don't glow Hey, now You're an all-star Get your game on, go play Hey, now You're a rock star Get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootin' stars break the mould It's a cool place and they say it gets colder You're bundled up now but wait till you get older But the meteor men beg to differ Judging by the hole in the satellite picture The ice we skate is gettin' pretty thin The water's getting warm so you might as well swim My world's on fire How 'bout yours
 That's the way I like it and I'll never get bored Hey, now, you're an all-star {Shouting} Get your game on, go play Hey, now You're a rock star Get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootin' stars break the mould {Belches} Go! Go! {Record Scratching} Go. Go. Go. Hey, now, you're an all-star Get your game on, go play Hey, now You're a rock star Get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootin' stars break the mould -Think it's in there? -All right. Let's get it! -Whoa.
 Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you? -Yeah, it'll grind your bones for its bread. {Laughs} -Yes, well, actually, that would be a giant. Now, ogres - - They're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin. -No! -They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast. -Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya! {Gasping} -Right. {Roaring} {Shouting} {Roaring} {Whispers} This is the part where you run away. {Gasping} {Laughs} {Laughing} And stay
 out! "Wanted. Fairy tale creatures." {Sighs} {Man's voice} All right. This one's full. -Take it away! {Gasps) -Move it along. Come on! Get up! -Next! -Give me that! Your flying days are over. That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next! -Get up! Come on! -Twenty pieces. {Thudding} -Sit down there! -Keep quiet! {Crying} -This cage is too small. -Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please! Give me another chance! -Oh, shut up. -Oh! -Next! -What have you got? -This little
 wooden puppet. -l'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. -Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. -Father, please! Don't let them do this! -Help me! -Next! What have you got? -Well, I've got a talking donkey. {Grunts} -Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it. -Oh, go ahead, little fella. -Well? -Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - - -That's it. I've heard enough. Guards! -No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to
 talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw. -Get her out of my sight. -No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk! {Gasps} -Hey! I can fly! -He can fly! -He can fly! -He can talk! -Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey. You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha! Oh-oh. {Grunts} -Seize him! -After him! He's getting away! {Grunts, Gasps} {Man} -Get him! This way! Turn! -You there. Ogre! -Aye? -By the order of Lord Farquaad l am
 authorized to place you both under arrest and transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility. -Oh, really? You and what army? {Gasps, Whimpering} {Chuckles} -Can I say something to you? -Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible! Are you talkin' to -- me? Whoa! -Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards! They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in
 the woods. That really made me feel good to see that. -Oh, that's great. Really. -Man, it's good to be free. -Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm? -But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us. {Roaring) -Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work,
 your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks! You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - - {Mumbling} Than l ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day. -Why are you following me? -l'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all alone There's no one here beside me My problems have all gone There's no one to deride me But you gotta have friends -- -Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't
 have any friends. -Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest. -Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I? -Uh -- Really tall? -No! I'm an ogre! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you? -Nope. -Really? -Really, really. -Oh. -Man, I like you. What's you name? -Uh, Shrek. -Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing. I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that.
 Who'd want to live in place like that? -That would be my home. -Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. -l guess you don't entertain much, do you? -I like my privacy. -You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence. -Can
 Istay with you? -Uh, what? -Can I stay with you, please? -of course! -Really? -No. -Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please! -Okay! Okay! But one night only. -Ah! Thank you! -What are you - - No! No! -This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' l'm makin' waffles. -Oh! -Where do, uh, I sleep? -Outside! -Oh, well. I
 guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know. {Sniffles} -Here I go. -Good night. {Sighs} -I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, i guess, you know. By myself, outside. I'm all alone There's no one here beside me {Bubbling} {Sighs} {Creaking} {Sighs} -I thought I told you to stay outside. -I'm outside. {Clattering} -Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? -It's
 not home, but it'll do just fine. -What a lovely bed. -Got ya. {Sniffs} I found some cheese. -Ow! {Grunts} -Blah! Awful stuff. -Is that you, Gorder? -How did you know? -Enough! What are you doing in my house? {Grunts} -Hey! {Snickers} -Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table. -Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken. -Huh? {Gasps}{Male voice} What? -l live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying ogre! What do I have to do get a little privacy? -Aah! -Oh, no. No! No! {Cackling} -What? -
 Quit it. -Don't push. {Squeaking} {Lows} - What are you doing in my swamp? {Echoing} Swamp! Swamp! Swamp! {Gasping} -Oh, dear! -Whoa! -All right get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey! -Quickly. Come on! -No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there. -Oh! {Sighs} -Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them. -Oh, gosh, no one invited us. -What? -We were forced to come here. -By who? -Lord Farquaad. -He huffed und he puffed und he... signed an eviction notice.
 {Sighs} -All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is? {Murmuring} -Oh, I do. I know where he is. -Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all? -Me! Me! -Anyone? -Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me! {Sighs} -Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from! {Cheering} {Twittering} -Oh! You! You're comin' with
 me. - All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it! -On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek. -Hey. Oh, oh! -I can't wait to get on the road again. -What did I say about singing? -Can I whistle? -No. -Can I hum it? -All right hum it. {Humming} {Grunts} {Whimpering} -That's enough. He's ready to talk. {Coughing} {Laughing} {Clears throat} -Run, run, run, as fast as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man! -You
 are a monster. -l'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that
 she's married to the muffin man. -The muffin man? -The muffin man! -She's married to the muffin man. {Door opens} -My lord! We found it. -Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in. {Man grunting} {Gasping} -Oh! -Magic mirror - - -Don't tell him anything! -No! {Gingerbread man whispers} -Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? -Well, technically you're not a king. -Uh, Thelonius. -You were saying? -What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can
 become one. Al you have to do is marry a princess. -Go on. {Chuckles} -So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella. -Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives
 with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out whata live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White! -And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded c.
 bachelorette number three? -Two! Two! -Three! Three! -Two! Two! -Three! -Three? One? {Shudders} Three? --Three! Pick number three, my lord! -Okay, okay, uh, number three! -Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona. If you like pina coladas and getting caught in the rain -Princess Fiona. If you're not into voga -She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go -- -But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night. -l'll do it. -Yes, but after sunset - - -Silence! I will make
 this Princess Fiona my queen, and Duloc will finally have the perfect king! Captain assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament. -But that's it. That's it right there. That's Du Loc. I told ya l'd find it. -So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle. -Uh-huh. That's the place. -Do you think mayl
 {Whimpering} {Sighs} {Whimpering, Groans} {Turnstile clatters} {Chuckles} {Sighs} -It's quiet. Too quiet. {Creaking} -Where is everybody? -Hey, look at this! {Clattering, whirring, clicking} Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town Here we have some rules Let us lay them down Don't make waves, stay in line And we'll get along fine Duloc is perfect place Please keep off of the grass Shine your shoes, wipe your... face Duloc is, DuLoc is DuLoc is perfect ...place {Camera shutter clicks {Whirring} -Wow!
 Let's do that again! -No. No. No, no, no! No. {Trumpet fanfare} {Crowd cheering} -Brave knights. -You are the best and brightest in all the land. -Today one of you shall prove himself - - -All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom. -Sorry about that. {Cheering} -That champion shall have the honour - - no, no -- the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place
 and so on and so forth. Some of you may die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make. {Cheering} -Let the tournament begin! {Gasps} -Oh! -What is that? {Gasping} -It's hideous! -Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey. -Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the ogre will be named champion! Have it him! -Get him! -Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now. -Go ahead! Get him! -Can't we just settle this over a pint? -Kill the beast! -No? All right then. Come on! I don't give a damn about my
 reputation You' re living in the past It's a new generation -Damn! {Whinnying} A girl can do what she wants to do and that's what I'm gonna do And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me Me, me, me -Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me! And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation Never said I wanted to improve my station -Ah! {Laughs} And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun -Yeah! And I don't have to please no one -The chair! Give him the chair! And I
 an? -The muffin man? -The muffin man. -Yes
 tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where
 the others? -Eat me! {Grunts} -I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll - - -No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons. -All right then. Who's hiding them? -Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin
 know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane? -Well,
 irrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that coo! you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina coladas and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! -So, will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or
 e's compensating for something? {Laughs} {Groans}-Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek. -Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry. -Hey, you! {Screams} -Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -
 don't give a damn about my bad reputation Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me Me, me, me Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me {Bell dings} {Cheering} {Laughs} -Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha! {Shrek laughs} {Crowd gasping, murmuring} -Shall I give the order, sir? -No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion! -What? -Congratulations, ogre. You're won the honour of embarking on a great and noble quest.Quest? I'm
 already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back. -Your swamp? -Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures! {Crowd murmuring) -Indeed. All right, ogre. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back. -Exactly the way it was? -Down to the last slime-covered toadstool. -And the squatters? -As good as gone. -What kind of quest? -Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp
 which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place. -Is that about right? -Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk. -l don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole ogre trip. -Oh, I know what. Maybe l could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to
 you? -Uh, no, not really, no. -For your information, there's a lot more to ogres than people think. -Example? -Example? Okay, um, ogres are like onions. -{Sniffs} They stink? -Yes - - No! -They make you cry. -No! -You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs. -No! Layers! Onions have layers. 0gres have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. {Sighs} -Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves
 cakes! Cakes have layers. -I don't care... what everyone likes. Ogres are not like cakes. -You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious. -No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later. -Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet. -You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissue
 or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering. I'm on my way from misery to happiness today Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh l'm on my way from misery to happiness today Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh And everything that you receive up yonder Is what you give to me the day I wander I'm on my way I'm on my way I'm on my way -Oh! Shrek! Did you do that? -You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open. Believe me, Donkey,
 if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's brimstone We must be getting close. -Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither. {Rumbling} -Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location. {Laughing} -Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said ogres have layers? -Oh, aye. -Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves. -Waita second.
 Donkeys don't have sleeves. -You know whatl mean. -You can't tell me you're afraid of heights. -l'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava! -Come on, D
 moving. Don't look down. {Gasps} -Shrek! l'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! -But you're already halfway. -But I know that half is safe! -Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back. -Shrek, no! Wait! -Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me? -Don't do that! -Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? -Oh, this? -Yes, that! -Yes? Yes, do it. Okay. {Screams} -No, Shrek! No! Stop it! -You said do it! I'm doin' it. -l'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh! -That'll do,
 Donkey. That'Il do. -Cool. -So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway? -Inside, waiting for us to rescue her. {Chuckles} -I was talkin' about the dracon, Shre lk. {Water dripping, wind howling} -You afraid? -No. -But - - - Shh. -Oh, good. Me neither. {Gasps} -Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation,I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean
 you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that. {Gasps} -Donkey, two things, okay? Shut .. up. Now go over there and seeyou can find any stairs. -Stairs? | thought we was lookin' for the princess.-The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower. -What makes you think she |l be there? -I read it in a book once. -Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way
 they're goin'. {Creaking} -l'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it. -Well, at least wwe know where the princess is, but where's the - - -Dragon! {Screams} {Gasps} {Roars} -Donkey, look out! {Screams} {Whimpering} -Got ya! {Roars}{Gasps} {Shouts} -Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! {Screaming} {Gasps} -Oh! Aah! Aah! {Gasping} {Crowls} -No. Oh, no, No! {Screams} -Oh, what large teeth you have.
 {Crowls}-l mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Oh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - - (Coughs) -l'm an asthmatic,
 and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek! {Gasps} {Whimpering} -No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! {Groans, Sighs} {Vocalizing} -Oh! Oh! -Wake up! -What? -Are you Princess Fiona? -l am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me. -Oh, that's nice. Now let's go! -But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment? -Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time. -Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window
 and down a rope onto your valiant steed. -You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you? -Mm-hmm. {Screams, grunts} -But we have to savour this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something! -l don't think so. -Can l at least know the name of my champion? -Um, Shrek. -Sir Shrek. {Cleans throat) -I pray that you take this favour as a token of my gratitude. -Thanks! {Roaring} -You didn't slay the dragon? -It's on my to-do list. Now come on! {Screams} -
 But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did. -Yeah, right before they burst into flame. -That's not the point. Oh! -Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there. -Well, I have to save my ass. -What kind of knight are you? -One of a kind. -Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long period of time. Just call me old-fashioned. {Laughs} -I don't want to rush into a physical
 relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - - Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot, but I just love ieceiving cards - - I'd really love to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't
 give permission - - What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh! {Growls} {Roaring} {Gasps} -Hi, Princess!-It talks! -Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick. {Screams} {Screaming} -Oh! {Thuds} {Groans} {Roars} {Roaring} -Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon. (Echoing} -Run! {Gasping} {Screaming} {Roaring} {Screams} {Roars} {Panting, sighs} {Whimpers} {Roars} -You did it! -You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're
 wonderful. You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. {Clears throat} -And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed? -I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed. -The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sin Knight. -Uh, no. -Why not? -I have helmet hair. -Please. I wouldn't look upon the face of my rescuer. -No, no, you wouldn't - - 'nt. -But how will you kiss me? -What? That
 wasn't in the job description. -Maybe it's a perk. -No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss. -Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love? -Well, yes. {Laughing} -You think Shrek is your true love! -What is so funny? -Let's just say I'm not your type, okay? -Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your hel met. -Look. I really
 don't think this is a good idea. -Just take off the helmet. -l'm not going to. -Take it off. -No! -Now! -Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness. -You- - You're a- - an ogre. -Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming. -Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an ogre. {Sighs} -Princess, I was sent toes ue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you. -Then why didn't he come rescue me? -Good question. You should ask him that when we get there. -
 But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some ogre and his- - his pet. -So much for noble steed. -You're not making my job any easier. -l'm sorry, but yourjob is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here. -Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, al right? . m a delivery boy. -You wouldn't dare. Put me down! -Ya comin', Donkey? -l'm right behind ya. -Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put
 me down! -Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten? -You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knows what happens when you find y
 put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply. {Laughs} -l don't know. There are those who think little of him. -Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad. -Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the "measuring
 Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good. -Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest. -I need to find somewhere to camp now! {Birds wings fluttering} {Grunting) -Hey! Over here. -Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess. -No, no, it's perfect. It just neeua fe homey touches. -Homey touches? Like what? {Crashing} -A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night. -You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will. -I said good night! -
 Shrek, what are you doing? {Laughs} -I just- - You know - -Oh, come on. I was just kidding. {Fire cracking} -And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only ogre to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah. -Hay, can you tell my future from these stars? -The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.
 That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots. -You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it. {Sighs} -Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway? -Ours vamp? You know, when we're through rescuing the princess. -We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no
 think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out. -No, do ya think? -Are you hidin' something? -Never mind, Donkey. -Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it? -No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things. -Why don't you want to talk about it? -Why do you want to talk about it? -Why are you blocking? -l'm not blocking. -Oh, yes, you are. -Donkey, I'm warning you. -Who you trying to keep out? -Everyone! Okay? -Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere. -Oh! For the
 love of Pete! -What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway? -Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me an
 the Small and Annoying. -Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there? -That's the moon. -Oh, okay. {Orchestra} {Dulcimer} -Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to m
 morning, Princess! -What's all this about? -You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me. -Uh, thanks. {Sniffs} -Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us. {Belches} -Shrek! -What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs) WlI, it's no way to behave in front of a princess. {Belches} -Thanks. -She's as nasty as you are. -{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected. -Well, maybe you shouldn't judge
 people before you get to know them. {Vocalizing} -La liberte! Hey! -Princess! {Laughs} -What are you doing? -Be still, mon cherie, for I am you saviour! And l am rescuing you from this green-
 rich and give to the needy. He takes a wee percentage, But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damsels Man, I'm good What a guy, Monsieur Hood Break it down ! like an honest fight and a saucylittle maid What he's basically saying is he likes to get -- Paid So When an ogre in the bush grabs a lady by the tush That's bad hat's bad When aeauty's with a beast it makes me awfully mad He's mad He's really, really mad I'll take my blade and ram it through your heart Keep your ees on me, boys 'cause I'm
 about to start {Grunts, Groans} {Karate Yell} {Merry Men Gasping} {Panting} -Man, that was annoying! -Oh, you little- - {Karate Ye!l} {Accordion} {Shouting, groaning} {Chuckles} -Uh, shall we
 look at that? -Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry. -Why? What's wrong? -Shrek's hurt. -Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die. -Donkey, I'm okay. -You can't do this to me, Sek. !a too young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich? -ney Ca Im down. If yoou want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns. -Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. If
 you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light! -{Both) Donkey! -Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns. -What are the flowers for? -For getting rid of Donkey. -Ah. -Now you hold stil, and I'll yank this thing out. -Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'. -l'm sorry, but it has to come out. -No, it's tender. -Now, hold onhatyou're do
 flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't colour-blind! Blue flower, red thorns. -Ow! -Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'! -Ow! Not good. -Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head. {Grunts} -It's just about - - -Ow! Oh! -Ahem. -Nothing happened. We were just, uh - - -Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had
 chirping} {Grunts} My beloved monster and me We go everywhere together Wearin' a raincoat that has four sleeves Gets us through all kinds of weather -Aah! She will always be the only thing That comes between me and the awful sting That comes from living in a world that's so damn mean {Croaks} Oh, oh oh-th-o.
 compensating for something, which I think means he has a really - - Ow! -Um, I, uh- - I guess we better move on. -Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey. {Blubbering} -What? -l mean, lookat him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine. -That's what they always say, and then next ching you kiow, mu n on your back. Dead. -You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down? -Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea. -I didn't want to say nothin', but I got
 this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, {Bones crunch} -Ow! See? -Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner. -l'll get the firewood. -Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug. -Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this? -Uh, weedrat. Rot ser styl -No k 'aing. Well, this is delicious. -Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but Il make a mean weedrat stew. {Chuckling} {Sighs} -l guess l'll be dining a
 little differently tomorrow night. {Gulps} -Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fisheye tartare - -you name it. {Chuckles} -l°d like that. {Slurps, laughs} See the pyramids along the Nile -Um, Princess? Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle -Yes hre
 Sunset? -Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late. -What? -Waita minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you? -Yes! Yes, that's it. II'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside. -Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until - - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark. {Sh.ek sighs) Go d vigh -e
 And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it. -You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad. -Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel. -I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know - - and I'm not sayin
 fluttering) -Princess? {Creaking} {Gasps} -It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games. {Screams} -Aah! -Oh, no! -No, hel p! -Shh! -Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! -No, it's okay. It's okay. -What did you do with the princess? -Donkey, I'm the princess. -Aah! -It's me, in this body. -Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hea.
 uh, different. -I'm ugly, okay? -Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'CauseI told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - --No. -I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember. -What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before. -It's only happens when sun goes do
 spell. (Sighs -When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why i have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this. {Sobs} -All right, all right Calm
 how a princess is meant to look. -Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad? -l have to. Only niy true love's kiss can break the spel. -But, you know, um, you're kind of an ogre, and Shrek - - well, you got a lot in common. -Shrek? -Princess, I -- Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm kay. i s t tniMow
 I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go. -I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek. {Gasps} -My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my
 ever know. -What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets? -Promise you won't tell. Promise! -All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy. -Look at my eye twitchin'. {Door opens} {Snoring} - tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I teli him not. I tell him. -Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - - {Snoring} -Shrek. Are you all right? -Perfect! Never been better. -I - - I don't -- There's something I have to tell
 you. -You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night. -You heard what I said? -Every word. -I thought you'd understand. -Oh, I understand. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?" -But I thought that wouldn't matter to you. -Yeah? Well, it does. {Gasps, sighs} -Ah, right on time. {Horse whinnies} -Princess, I've brought you a little something. {Fanfare} {Yawns} -What'd I miss? What'd I miss? {Muffled} -Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey. -Princess Fiona. -As
 promised. Now hand it over. -Very well, ogre. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed. -Take it and go before l change my mind. -Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you starded me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad. -Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no. {Snaps fingers} -Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell. -Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the ogre. It's not like it has feelings. -No, you're right. It doesn't. -
 Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawless Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage. {Gasps} -Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom? -Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make -- -Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed! -No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets. -Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! There's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests! -Fare-thee-well, ogre. -Shrek,
 y. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time. -Really? -Really, really. -Okay, that makes me feel so much better. -Just keep moving. And don't look down. -Okay, don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down. Keep on
 Hey! {Sighs} -The sooner we get to DuLoc the better. -You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful! -And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like? -Let me
 whon you see him tomorrow. -Tomorrow? It'l! take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp? -No, that'll take longer. We can keep going. -But there's robbers in the woods. -Whoa!
 know you're making this up. -No, look. There he is, and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench. -
 There's just ne and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall around my land. -You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I
 go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big,tu pid, ugly ogre!" They judge me before they even know me. That's why 'm better off alo ne. -You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly ogre. -Yeah, I know. -So, uh, are there any donkeys up there? -Well, there's, um, Gabby,
 the princess. -Hmph. -Ah. Perfect. {Inhales} {Snoring} {Vocalizing} {Whistling} {Sizzling} {Sniffs, yawi s} -Mrmm, yeah, you know I like it like that. --Come on, baby. I saidi like it. -Donkey, wake up. -Huh? What? -Wake up. -What? -Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs? -Good
 Show
 {Kissingrounds} -lbuast. -Hey! -That's my princess! Go find you own! -Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here
 ok, pal, I don't know who you think you are! -Oh! Of course! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduce myself. Oh, Merry Men. {Laughs} {Accordion} Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo. I steal from the
 d the phone. (Grunts} Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from? -What? -That! Back there
 ha wa amazing! Where id you learn that? -Well -- {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt! -What? Oh, would you
 -H
 gis the opposite of help. -Don't move. -Look, time out. -Wwould you - - {Grunts} -Okay. What do you propose we do? -Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue
 y? -Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- - Ugh! -Ow! -Hey, what's that? {Nervous chuckle} -That's- - Is that blood? {Sighs} {Bird
 a-la, lz-la-la-la {Both laughing} La-la, la-la, la-la -There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you. -That's Duloc? -Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's
 was ask O
 Hey! La-l
 was wondering. Just remember, darling all the while -Are you- - You belong to me {Sighs} -Are you gonna eat that? {Chuckles} -Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset. -
 night. {Door creaks} -Oh! NowI really see what's goin' on here. -Oh, what are you talkin' about? -I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts.
 she's a princess, and I'm - - -An ogre? -Yeah. An ogre. -Hey, where you goin'? -To get.... move firewood. {Sighs} -Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you? {Wings
 'key! -Lisen keep breathing! I'll get you out of there! -No! -Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! -Shh. -Shrek! -This is me. {Muffled mumbling} -Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh,
 V cay another. This shall be the norm... until you find true love's first kiss.. and then take love's true form." -Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry. -It's a
 on that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7. -But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not
 ra d thought of you because it's pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but l thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh - - (Sighs)-
 0 -Dolit you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell. -You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth. -No! You can't breathe a word. No one must
 P
 ISE
 e-D
 "By
 . K, it's
 {Dec,
 what are you doing? You're letting her get away. -Yeah? So what? -Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, She's - - -I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home? -Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you. -I told you, didn't l? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!
 -But I thought -- -Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong! -Shrek. I heard there was a secret chord That David played and it pleased the Lord But you don't really care for music, do ya It goes like this the fourth, the fifth The minor fall the major lift The baffled king composing hallelujah Hallelujah, hallelujah Baby, I've been here before I know this room I've walked this floor I used to live alone before I knew you I've seen your flag on the marble arch But love is not a victory march It's a cold and it's
 a broken hallelujah Hallelujah, hallelujah And all I ever learned from love Is how to shoot at someone Who outdrew you {Moaning} And it's not a cry you can hear at night It's not somebody who's seen the light It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah {Moaning} Hallelujah, halielujah {Thumping sound) -Donkey? {Grunts} -What are you doing? -I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one. -Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it. -It is
 around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half. -Oh! Your half. Hmm. -Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head. -Back off! -No, you back off. -This is my swamp! -Our swamp. -Let go, Donkey! -You let go. -Stubborn jackass! -Smelly ogre. -Fine! -Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet. -Well, I'm through with you. -Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well,
 guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away. -Oh, yeah? Well, if i treated you so bad, how come you came back? -Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other! -Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in the back! -Oh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings. -Go away! -
 There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you. -Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. ! heard the two of you talking. -She wasn't talkin' about you. She was tal kin' about, uh, somebody else. -She wasn't tallking about me? Well, then who was she talking about? -Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right? -Donkey! -No! -Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right? {Sighs} -l*m sorry. I guess I am just a big,
 stupid, ugly ogre. Can you forgive me? -Hey, that's what friends are for, right? -Right. Friends? -Friends. -So, um, what did Fiona say about me? -What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her? -The wedding! We'l! never make it in time. -Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I have a way. {Whistles} -Donkey? -l guess it's just my animal magnetism. {Laughing} -Aw, come here, you. -All right, all right. Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on
 and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet. -Whoo! {Bells tolling} {All gasping} -People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witness to the union.... -Um- -of our new king ---Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"? {Chuckling} -Go on. -Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you? -What are you talking about? -There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna
 say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!" -I don't have time for this! -Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Lock, you love this woman, don't you? -Yes. -You wanna hold her? -Yes. -Please her? -Yes! -Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that romantic crap! -All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line? -We gotta check it out. -And so, by the power vested in me, -What do you see? -The whole town's in there. -l now pronounce
 you husband and wife, -They're at the altar. -king and queen. -Mother Fletcher! He already said it. -Oh, for the love of Pete! {Grunts} -l object! -Shrek? {Gasps} -Oh, now what does he want? -Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all. Very clean. -What are you doing here? -Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wanis you, but showring up uninvited to a wedding - - -Fiona! I need to talk to you. -Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me - --
 But you can't marry him. -And why not? -Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king. -Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him. -He's not your true love. -And what do you know about true love? -Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - - -Oh, this is precious. The ogre has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord. {Crowd laughing} -An ogre and a princess! -Shrek, is this true? -Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!
 -"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before. {Whimpers} {Crown gasping -Well, uh, that explains a lot. -Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both! -No, no! -Shrek! -This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See? -No, let go of me! Shrek! -No! -Don't just stand there, you morons. -Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! -l'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn
Y'all know what to do,please

Y'all know what to do,please

Were Through: 1 point 1 year ago Just doing some research on this now. I had this happened a year ago. My printer connected to utopia.net instead of Comcast.net. It is a known vulnerability on this router that uses simple DNS settings and subsets to infiltrate your system. Unfortunately I had someone working against me. My ex-husband remotely accessed my computer system and put 24 viruses on my admin and guest logins. He removed and or swapped SIM cards on every device I owned so the only way for my devices to work were through wi-fi. We had a brown out, My computers crashed and I became a wi-if hotspot for the area because he had made a hidden WiFi connection to my home 2 miles away. I ended up with the worst hacking known to man including a Bluetooth virus that was mirrored and locked using spyware and screen recording. My iPhone was jailbroken and the camera app missing. The Bluetooth connection that was locked and mirrored would trigger my iPhone camera and take pictures sporadically and at inopportune times. Every device I came into contact with would make that device discoverable. When I went to comcast to return my router my phone connected to utopia.net and dialed the store appointment line. Their system shut down. Very odd. Someone has broken into my apartment and put 2 QR scan code stickers over the original new one so I was scanning something else. Definitely a plot to sabotage but I can't get any answers from any companies or law enforcement about the when, where, how and why??? The phones then got connected to my smart car and spread it to the OS on it. Very scary' Give Award Share Report Save Well, it started off reasonable...(the dns hijack is legit)
Were Through: 1 point
 1 year ago
 Just doing some research on this now. I had this happened a year ago. My printer connected to utopia.net instead of
 Comcast.net. It is a known vulnerability on this router that uses simple DNS settings and subsets to infiltrate your
 system. Unfortunately I had someone working against me. My ex-husband remotely accessed my computer system and
 put 24 viruses on my admin and guest logins. He removed and or swapped SIM cards on every device I owned so the
 only way for my devices to work were through wi-fi. We had a brown out, My computers crashed and I became a wi-if
 hotspot for the area because he had made a hidden WiFi connection to my home 2 miles away. I ended up with the
 worst hacking known to man including a Bluetooth virus that was mirrored and locked using spyware and screen
 recording. My iPhone was jailbroken and the camera app missing. The Bluetooth connection that was locked and
 mirrored would trigger my iPhone camera and take pictures sporadically and at inopportune times. Every device I came
 into contact with would make that device discoverable. When I went to comcast to return my router my phone
 connected to utopia.net and dialed the store appointment line. Their system shut down. Very odd. Someone has broken
 into my apartment and put 2 QR scan code stickers over the original new one so I was scanning something else.
 Definitely a plot to sabotage but I can't get any answers from any companies or law enforcement about the when,
 where, how and why??? The phones then got connected to my smart car and spread it to the OS on it. Very scary'
 Give Award Share Report Save
Well, it started off reasonable...(the dns hijack is legit)

Well, it started off reasonable...(the dns hijack is legit)

Were Through: {Man Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss. {Laughing} Like that's ever gonna happen. {Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes} What a load of - Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me l ain't the sharpest tool in the shed She was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb In the shape of an "L" on her forehead The years start comin' and they don't stop comin' Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin' Didn't make sense not to live for fun Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb So much to do so much to see So what's wrong with takin' the backstreets You'll never know if you don't go You'll never shine if you don't glow Hey, now You're an all-star Get your game on, go play Hey, now You're a rock star Get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootin' stars break the mould It's a cool place and they say it gets colder You're bundled up now but wait till you get older But the meteor men beg to differ Judging by the hole in the satellite picture The ice we skate is gettin' pretty thin The water's getting warm so you might as well swim My world's on fire How 'bout yours That's the way I like it and I'll never get bored Hey, now, you're an all-star {Shouting} Get your game on, go play Hey, now You're a rock star Get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootin' stars break the mould {Belches} Go! Go! {Record Scratching} Go. Go. Go. Hey, now, you're an all-star Get your game on, go play Hey, now You're a rock star Get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootin' stars break the mould -Think it's in there? -All right. Let's get it! -Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you? -Yeah, it'll grind your bones for its bread. {Laughs} -Yes, well, actually, that would be a giant. Now, ogres - - They're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin. -No! -They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast. -Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya! {Gasping} -Right. {Roaring} {Shouting} {Roaring} {Whispers} This is the part where you run away. {Gasping} {Laughs} {Laughing} And stay out! "Wanted. Fairy tale creatures." {Sighs} {Man's voice} All right. This one's full. -Take it away! {Gasps) -Move it along. Come on! Get up! -Next! -Give me that! Your flying days are over. That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next! -Get up! Come on! -Twenty pieces. {Thudding} -Sit down there! -Keep quiet! {Crying} -This cage is too small. -Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please! Give me another chance! -Oh, shut up. -Oh! -Next! -What have you got? -This little wooden puppet. -l'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. -Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. -Father, please! Don't let them do this! -Help me! -Next! What have you got? -Well, I've got a talking donkey. {Grunts} -Right. WellI, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it. -Oh, go ahead, little fella. -Well? -Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - - -That's it. I've heard enough. Guards! -No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw. -Get her out of my sight. -No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk! {Gasps} -Hey! I can fly! -He can fly! -He can fly! -He can talk! -Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey. You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha! Oh-oh. {Grunts} -Seize him! -After him! He's getting away! {Grunts, Gasps} {Man} -Get him! This way! Turn! -You there. Ogre! -Aye? -By the order of Lord Farquaad l am authorized to place you both under arrest and transport you to a designated.... resettlement facility. -Oh, really? You and what army? {Gasps, Whimpering}{Chuckles} -Can I say something to you? -Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible! Are you talkin' to -- me? Whoa! -Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards! They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that. -Oh, that's great. Really. -Man, it's good to be free. -Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm? -But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us. {Roaring} -Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, are you following me? -I'll tell you why. 'Cause l'm all alone There's no one here beside me My problems have all gone There's no one to deride me But you gotta have friends - - -Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends. -Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest. -Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am ? -Uh -- Really tall? -No! I'm an ogre! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you? -Nope. -Really? -Really, really. -Oh. -Man, I like you. What's you name? -Uh, Shrek. -Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing. I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that? -That would be my home. -Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. -l guess you don't entertain much, do you? -I like my privacy. -You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence. -Can Istay with you? -Uh, what? -Can I stay with you, please? -Of course! -Really? -No. -Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please! -Okay! Okay! But one night only. -Ah! Thank you! -What are you - - No! No! -This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles. -Oh! -Where do, uh, I sleep? -Outside! -Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know. {Sniffles} -Here I go. -Good night. {Sighs} -I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside. I'm all alone There's no one here beside me {Bubbling} {Sighs} {Creaking} {Sighs} -I thought told you to stay outside. -l'm outside. {Clattering} -Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? -It's not home, but it'll do just fine. -What a lovely bed. -Got ya. {Sniffs} I found some cheese. -Ow! {Grunts}-Blah! Awful stuff. -Is that you, Gorder? -How did you know? -Enough! What are you doing in my house? {Grunts} -Hey! {Snickers} -Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table. -Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken. -Huh? {Gasps} {Male voice} What? -I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying ogre! What do I have to do get a little privacy? -Aah! -Oh, no. No! No! {Cackling} -What? - Quit it. -Don't push. {Squeaking} {Lows} - What are you doing in my swamp? {Echoing} Swamp! Swamp! Swamp! {Gasping} -Oh, dear! -Whoa! -All right get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey! -Quickly. Come on! -No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there. -Oh! {Sighs} -Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them. -Oh, gosh, no one invited us. -What? -We were forced to come here. -By who? -Lord Farquaad. -He huffed und he puffed und he..... signed an eviction notice. {Sighs} -All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is? {Murmuring} -Oh, I do. I know where he is. -Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all? -Me! Me! -Anyone? -Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me! {Sighs} -Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from! {Cheering} {Twittering} -Oh! You! You're comin' with me. - All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it! -On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek. -Hey. Oh, oh! -I can't wait to get on the road again. -What did I say about singing? -Can I whistle? -No. -Can I hum it? -All right hum it. {Humming} {Grunts} {Whimpering} -That's enough. He's ready to talk. {Coughing} {Laughing} {Clears throat} -Run, run, run, as fast as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man! -You know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane? -Well, she's married to the muffin man. -The muffin man? -The muffin man! -She's married to the muffin man. {Door opens} -My lord! We found it. -Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in. {Man grunting} {Gasping} -Oh! -Magic mirror - - -Don't tell him anything! -No! {Gingerbread man whispers} -Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? -Well, technically you're not a king. -Uh, Thelonius. -You were saying? -What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one. AIl you have to do is marry a princess. -Go on. {Chuckles} -So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella. -Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives irrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that coo! you off. She's a loaded pistoi who likes pina coladas and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! -So, will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three? -Two! Two! -Three! Three! -Two! Two! -Three! -Three? One? {Shudders} Three? --Three! Pick number three, my lord! -Okay, okay, uh, number three! -Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona. If you like pina coladas and getting caught in the rain -Princess Fiona. If you're not into voga -She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - - -But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night. -I'll do it. -Yes, but after sunset - - -Silence! I will make e's compensating for something? {Laughs} {Groans -Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek. -Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry. -Hey, you! {Screams} -Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - - {Whimpering} {Sighs} {Whimpering, Groans} {Turnstile clatters} {Chuckles} {Sighs} -It's quiet. Too quiet. {Creaking} -Where is everybody? -Hey, look at this! {Clattering, whirring, clicking} Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town Here we have some rules Let us lay them down Don't make waves, stay in line And we'l! get along fine DuLoc is perfect place Please keep off of the grass Shine your shoes, wipe your... face Duloc is, DuLoc is DuLoc is perfect .. place {Camera shutter clicks {Whirring} -Wow! Let's do that again! -No. No. No, no, no! No. {Trumpet fanfare} {Crowd cheering} -Brave knights. -You are the best and brightest in all the land. -Today one of you shall prove himself - - -All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom. -Sorry about that. {Cheering} -That champion shall have the honour - - no, no -- the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks! You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - - {Mumbling} Than l ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day. -Why the others? -Eat me! {Grunts} -I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or l'll - - -No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons. -All right then. Who's hiding them? -Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin an? -The muffin man? -The muffin man. -Yes are a monster. -I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White! -And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarde ci this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king! Captain assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament. -But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya l'd find it. -So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle. -Uh-huh. That's the place. -Do you think mayl and so on and so forth. Some of you may die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make. {Cheering} -Let the tournament begin! {Gasps} -Oh! -What is that? {Gasping} -It's hideous! -Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey. -Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the ogre will be named champion! Have it him! -Get him! -Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now. -Go ahead! Get him! -Can't we just settle this over a pint? -Kill the beast! -No? All right then. Come on! I don't give a damn about my can do what she wants to do and that's what I'm gonna do And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me Me, me, me -Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me! And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation Never said I wanted to improve my station -Ah! {Laughs} And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun -Yeah! And I don't have to please no one -The chair! Give him the chair! And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me Me, me, me Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me {Bell dings} {Cheering} {Laughs) -Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha! {Shrek laughs} {Crowd gasping, murmuring} -Shall I give the order, sir? -No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion! -What? -Congratulations, ogre. You're won the honour of embarking on a great and noble quest. Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back. -Your swamp? -Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures! {Crowd murmuring) -Indeed. All right, ogre. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back. -Exactly the way it was? -Down to the last slime-covered toadstool. -And the squatters? -As good as gone. -What kind of quest? -Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place. -Is that about right? -Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk. -I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole ogre trip. -Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you? -Uh, no, not really, no. -For your information, there's a lot more to ogres than people think. -Example? -Example? Okay, um, ogres are like onions. -{Sniffs} They stink? -Yes - - No! -They make you cry. -No! -You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs. -No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. {Sighs} -Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves on the whole damn planet. -You know, I thinkl preferred your humming. Do you have a tissue or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering. I'm on my way from misery to happiness today Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh I'm on my way from misery to happiness today Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh And everything that you receive up yonder Is what you give to me the day I wander I'm on my way I'm on my way I'm on my way -Oh! Shrek! Did you do that? -You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's brimstone We must be getting close. -Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither. {Rumbling} -Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location. {Laughing} -Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said ogres have layers? -Oh, aye. -Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves. -Wait a second. y. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support., well just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time. -Really? -Really, really. -Okay, that makes me feel so much better. -Just keep moving. And don't look down. -Okay, don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't look down. {Gasps} -Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! -But you're already halfway. -But I know that half is safe! -Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back. -Shrek, no! Wait! -Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me? -Don't do that! -Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? -Oh, this? -Yes, that! -Yes? Yes, do it. Okay. {Screams} -No, Shrek! No! Stop it! -You said do it! I'm doin' it. -I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh! -That'll do, Donkey. That'll do. -Cool. -So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway? -Inside, waiting for us to rescue her. {Chuckles} -I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek. {Water dripping, wind howling} -You afraid? -No. -But - - - Shh. -Oh, good. Me neither. {Gasps} -'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that. {Gasps} -Donkey, two things, okay? Shut... up. Now go over there and see you can find any stairs. -Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess. -The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower. -What makes you think sheIl be there? -I read it in a book once. -Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'. {Creaking} -l'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. Il'd step all over it. -Well, at least wwe know where the princess is, but where's the - - -Dragon! {Screams}{Gasps} {Roars} -Donkey, look out! {Screams} {Whimpering} -Got ya! {Roars}{Gasps} {Shouts} -Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! {Screaming} {Gasps} -Oh! Aah! Aah! {Gasping} {Crowls} -No. Oh, no, No! {Screams}-Oh, what large teeth you have. {Crowls -l mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got there. Do i detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Oh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - - (Coughs) -l'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek! {Gasps} {Whimpering} -No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! {Groans, Sighs} {Vocalizing} -Oh! Oh! -Wake up! -What? -Are you Princess Fiona? -l am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me. -Oh, that's nice. Now let's go! -But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment? -Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time. -Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed. -You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you? -Mm-hmm. {Screams, grunts -But we have to savour this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something! -I don't think so. -Can I at least know the name of my champion? -Um, Shrek. -Sir Shrek. {Cleans throat) - pray that you take this favour as a token of my gratitude. -Thanks! {Roaring} -You didn't slay the dragon? -It's on my to-do list. Now come on! {Screams} - But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did. -Yeah, right before they burst into flame. -That's not the point. Oh! -Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there. -Well, I have to save my ass. -What kind of knight are you? -One of a kind. -Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long period of time. Just call me old-fashioned. {Laughs} -I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - - Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot, but I just love ieceiving cards - - l'd really love to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh! {Growls} {Roaring} {Gasps} -Hi, Princess! -It talks! -Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick. {Screams} {Screaming} -Oh! {Thuds} {Groans} {Roars} {Roaring} -Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon. (Echoing} -Run! {Gasping} {Screaming} {Roaring} {Screams} {Roars} {Panting, sighs} {Whimpers} {Roars} -You did it! -You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful. You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. {Clears throat) -And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed? -I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed. -The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sin Knight, -Uh, no.. -Why not? -i have helmet hair. -Please. I wouldn't look upon the face of my rescuer. -No, no, you wouldn't - - 'nt. -But how will you kiss me? -What? That wasn't in the job description. -Maybe it's a perk. -No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss. -Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love? -Well, yes. {Laughing} -You think Shrek is your true love! -What is so funny? -Let's just say I'm not your type, okay? -Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your helmet. -Look. I really don't think this is a good idea. -Just take off the helmet. -l'm not going to. -Take it off. -No! -Now! -Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness. -You- - You're a- -an ogre. -Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming. -Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an ogre. {Sighs} -Princess, I was sent toesue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you. -Then why didn't he come rescue me? -Good question. You should ask him that when we get there. - But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some ogre and his- - his pet. -So much for noble steed. -You're not making my job any easier. -l'm sorry, but yourjob is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here. -Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, al right? . ma delivery boy. -You wouldn't dare. Put me down! -Ya comin', Donkey? -l'm right behind ya. -Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put Hey! {Sighs} -The sooner we get to Duloc the better. -You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful! -And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like? -Let me when you see him tomorrow. -Tomorrow? It'l! take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp? -No, that'll take longer. We can keep going. -But there's robbers in the woods. -Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good. -Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest. -I need to find somewhere to camp now! {Birds wings fluttering} {Grunting} -Hey! Over here. -Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess. -No, no, it's perfect. It just neeu a fe homey touches. -Homey touches? Like what? {Crashing} -A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night. -You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will. -I said good night! - know you're making this up. -No, look. There he is, and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench. - There's just ne and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall around my land. -You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out. -No, do ya think? -Are you hidin' something? -Never mind, Donkey. -Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it? -No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things. -Why don't you want to talk about it? -Why do you want to talk about it? -Why are you blocking? -l'm not blocking. -Oh, yes, you are. -Donkey, I'm warning you. -Who you trying to keep out? -Everyone! Okay? -Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere. -Oh! For the go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly ogre!" They judge me before they even know me. That's why 'm betteroff alo ne. -You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly ogre. -Yeah, I know. -So, uh, are there any donkeys up there? -Well, there's, um, Gabby, the princess. -Hmph. -Ah. Perfect. {Inhales} {Snoring} {Vocalizing} {Whistling} {Sizzling} {Sniffs, yawi s} -Mrmm, yeah, you know I like it like that. --Come on, baby. I saidI like it. -Donkey, wake up. -Huh? What? -Wake up. -What? -Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs? -Good morning, Princess! -What's all this about? -You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me. -Uh, thanks. {Sniffs} -Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us. {Belches} -Shrek! -What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Lau hs) , it's no way to behave in front of a princess. {Belches} -Thanks. -She's as nasty as you are. -{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected. -Well, maybe you shouldn't judge ok, pal, I don't know who you think you are! -Oh! Of course! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduce myself. Oh, Merry Men. {Laughs} {Accordion} Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo. I steal from the rich and give to the needy. He takes a wee percentage, But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damsels Man, I'm good What a guy, Monsieur Hood Break it down! like an honest fight and a saucy little maid What he's basically saying is he likes to get - - Paid So When an ogre in the bush grabs a lady by the tush That's bad hat's bad When aeauty's with a beast it makes me awfully mad He's mad He's really, really mad l'll take my blade and ram it through your heart Keep your ees on me, boys 'cause I'm ha wa amazing! Where id you learn that? -Well - - (Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt! -What? Oh, would you look at that? -Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry. -Why? What's wrong? -Shrek's hurt. -Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die. -Donkey, I'm okay. -You can't do this to me, Sek. ! a too young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich? -Lney! Ca Im down. If yoou want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns. -Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light! -(Both} Donkey! -Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns. -What are the flowers for? -For getting rid of Donkey. -Ah. -Now you hold still, and l'll yank this thing out. -Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'. -I'm sorry, but it has to come out. -No, it's tender. -Now, hold on. -what you're doing is the opposite of help. -Don't move. -Look, time out. -Would you - - {Grunts} -Okay. What do you propose we do? -Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue y? -Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- - Ugh! -Ow! -Hey, what's that? {Nervous chuckle} -That's- - Is that blood? {Sighs} {Bird a-la, lz-la-la-la {Both laughing} La-la, la-la, la-la -There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you. -That's Duloc? -Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something, which I think means he has a really - - Ow! -Um, I, uh- - I guess we better move on. -Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey. {Blubbering} -What? -l mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine. -That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, naro on your back. Dead. -You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down? -Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea. -I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, {Bones crunch} -Ow! See? -Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner. -l'll get the firewood. -Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug. -Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this? -Uh, weedrat. Roti se style-No kı 'aing. Well, this is delicious. -Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weedrat stew. {Chuckling}{Sighs} -l guess I'll be dining a was wondering. Just remember, darling all the while -Are you- - You belong to me {Sighs} -Are you gonna eat that? {Chuckles} -Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset. - night. {Door creaks} -Oh! NowI really see what's goin' on here. -Oh, what are you talkin' about? -l don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. she's a princess, and l'm - - -An ogre? -Yeah. An ogre. -Hey, where you goin'?-To get... move firewood. {Sighs} -Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you? {Wings 'key! -Lisen keep breathing! I'll get you out of there! -No! -Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! -Shh. -Shrek! -This is me. {Muffled mumbling} -Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, vcay another. This shall be the norm... until you find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form." -Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry. -It's a night. Shrek's ugly 24-7. -But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not rad thought of you because it's pretty and -- well, I don't really like it, butI thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd -- uh, uh - - {Sighs} - 0 -Do it you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell. -You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth. -No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know. -What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets? -Promise you won't tell. Promise! -All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy. -Look at my eye twitchin'. {Door opens} {Snoring} -I tell him, I tell him not. I tel! him, I tell him not. I tell him. -Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - - {Snoring} -Shrek. Are you all right? -Perfect! Never been better. -I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you. -You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night. -You heard what I said? -Every word. -I thought you'd understand. -Oh, I understand. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?" -ButI thought that wouldn't matter to you. -Yeah? Well, it does. {Gasps, sighs} -Ah, right on time. {Horse whinnies} -Princess, I've brought you a little something. {Fanfare} {Yawns} -What'd I miss? What'd i miss? {Muffled} -Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey. -Princess Fiona. -As agreed. -Take it and go before I change my mind. -Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you starded me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad. -Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no. {Snaps fingers} -Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a shor... farewell. -Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the ogre. It's not like it has feelings. -No, you're right. It doesn't. - reputation You're living in the past It's a new generation -Damn! {Whinnying} A girl cakes! Cakes have layers. -I don't care... what everyone likes. Ogres are not like cakes. -You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious. -No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later. -Parfaits may be the most delicious thing Donkeys don't have sleeves. -You know what I mean. -You can't tell me you're afraid of heights. -I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava! -Come on, D me down! -Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten? -You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knows what happens when you find y put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply. {Laughs} -l don't know. There are those who think little of him. -Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad. -Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the "measurin Shrek, what are you doing? {Laughs} -I just- - You know - -Oh, come on. I was just kidding. {Fire cracking} -And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only ogre to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah. -Hay, can you tell my future from these stars? -The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for. That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots. -You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it. {Sighs} -Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway? -Ou svamp? You know, when we're through rescuing the princess. -We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no love of Pete! -What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway? -Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me an the Small and Annoying. -Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there? -That's the moon. -Oh, okay. {Orchestra} {Dulcimer} -Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to m Show people before you get to know them. {Vocalizing} -La liberte! Hey! -Princess! {Laughs} -What are you doing? -Be still, mon cherie, for I am you saviour! And l am rescuing you from this green- {Kissingrounds} -lbuast. -Hey! -That's my princess! Go find you own! -Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here about to start {Grunts, Groans} {Karate Yell} {Merry Men Gasping} {Panting} -Man, that was annoying! -Oh, you little- - {Karate Ye!l) {Accordion} {Shouting, groaning} {Chuckles} -Uh, shall we d the phone. (Grunts} Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from? -What? -That! Back there - flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't colour-blind! Blue flower, red thorns. -Ow! -Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'! -Ow! Not good. -Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head. {Grunts} -It's just about - - -Ow! Oh! -Ahem. -Nothing happened. We were just, uh - - -Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had chirping} {Grunts} My beloved monster and me We go everywhere together Wearin' a raincoat that has four sleeves Gets us through all kinds of weather -Aah! She will always be the only thing That comes between me and the awful sting That comes from living in a world that's so damn mean {Croaks} Oh, oh oh-sh-o. was ask. O Hey! La-l little differently tomorrow night. {Gulps} -Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fisheye tartare - - you name it. {Chuckles} -l'd like that. {Slurps, laughs} See the pyramids along the Nile -Um, Princess? Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle -Yes, hre Sunset? -Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late. -What? -Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you? -Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside. -Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until - - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark. {Sh.ek sighs)Go d igh And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it. -You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad. -Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel. -I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know -- and I'm not sayin' 'de - fluttering) -Princess? {Creaking} {Gasps} -It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games. {Screams} -Aah! -Oh, no! -No, help! -Shh! -Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! -No, it's okay. It's okay. -What did you do with the princess? -Donkey, I'm the princess. -Aah! -It's me, in this body. -Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hea. uh, different. -l'm ugly, okay? -Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - - -No. -I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember. -What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before. -It's only happens when sun goeS do spell. {Sighs} -When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to avwait the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this. {Sobs} -All right, all right Calm how a princess is meant to look. -Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad? -l have to. Only my true love's kiss can break the spell. -But, you know, um, you're kind of an ogre, and Shrek - - well, you got a lot in common. -Shrek? -Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm kay. i s 1r thflow I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go. -l can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek. {Gasps} -My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my ISE "By ek, it's oa that bad. You' re not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at {Dee, promised. Now hand it over. -Very well, ogre. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawless Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage. {Gasps} -Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom? -Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make -- -Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed! -No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets. -Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! There's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests! -Fare-thee-well, ogre. -Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away. -Yeah? So what? -Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, She's - - -I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home? -Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you. -I told you, didn't l? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys! -But I thought---Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong! -Shrek. I heard there was a secret chord That David played and it pleased the Lord But you don't really care for music, do ya It goes like this the fourth, the fifth The minor fall the major lift The baffled king composing hallelujah Hallelujah, hallelujah Baby, I've been here before I know this room I've walked this floor I used to live alone before I knew you I've seen your flag on the marble arch But love is not a victory march It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah Hallelujah, hallelujah And all I ever learned from love Is how to shoot at someone Who outdrew you {Moaning} And it's not a cry you can hear at night It's not somebody who's seen the light It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah {Moaning} Hallelujah, hallelujah {Thumping sound} -Donkey? {Grunts} -What are you doing? -I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one. -Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it. -It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half. -Oh! Your half. Hmm. -Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head. -Back off! -No, you back off. -This is my swamp! -Our swamp. -Let go, Donkey! -You let go. -Stubborn jackass! -Smelly ogre. -Fine! -Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet. -Well, I'm through with you. -Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away. -Oh, yeah? Well, if i treated you so bad, how come you came back? -Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other! -Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in the back! -Oh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings. -Go away! - There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you. -Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. -She wasn't talkin' about you. She was t kin' about, uh, somebody else. -She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about? -Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right? -Donkey! -No! -Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right? {Sighs} -I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly ogre. Can you forgive me? -Hey, that's what friends are for, right? -Right. Friends? -Friends. -So, um, what did Fiona say about me? -What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her? -The wedding! We'l! never make it in time. -Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I have a way. {Whistles} -Donkey? -l guess it's just my animal magnetism. {Laughing} -Aw, come here, you. -All right, all right. Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet. -Whoo! {Bells tolling} {All gasping} -People of Du Loc, we gather here today to bear witness to the union.... -Um- -of our new king - --Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"? {Chuckling} -Go on. -Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you? -What are you talking about? -There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!" -I don't have time for this! -Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you? -Yes. -You wanna hold her? -Yes. -Please her? -Yes! -Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that romantic crap! -All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line? -We gotta check it out. -And so, by the power vested in me, -What do you see? -The whole town's in there. -I now pronounce you husband and wife, -They're at the altar. -king and queen. -Mother Fletcher! He already said it. -Oh, for the love of Pete! {Grunts} -l object! -Shrek? {Gasps} -Oh, now what does he want? -Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? ! love DuLoc, first at all. Very clean. -What are you doing here? -Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wanis you, but showring up uninvited to a wedding - - -Fiona! I need to talk to you. -Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me - -- But you can't marry him. -And why not? -Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king. -Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him. -He's not your true iove. -And what do you know about true love? -Weil, I - - Uh - - I mean - - -Oh, this is precious. The ogre has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord. {Crowd laughing} -An ogre and a princess! -Shrek, is this true? -Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm! -"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before. {Whimpers} {Crown gasping} -Well, uh, that explains a lot. -Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both! -No, no! -Shrek! -This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See? -No, let go of me! Shrek! -No! -Don't just stand there, you morons. -Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! -l'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn Sheek
Were Through: {Man Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss. {Laughing} Like that's ever gonna happen. {Paper Rusting, Toilet
 Flushes} What a load of - Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me l ain't the sharpest tool in the shed She was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb In the shape of an "L" on her forehead The years start comin' and they don't stop comin' Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin' Didn't make sense not to live for fun Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb So much to do so much to see So what's wrong with takin' the backstreets You'll never know if you don't go
 You'll never shine if you don't glow Hey, now You're an all-star Get your game on, go play Hey, now You're a rock star Get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootin' stars break the mould It's a cool place and they say it gets colder You're bundled up now but wait till you get older But the meteor men beg to differ Judging by the hole in the satellite picture The ice we skate is gettin' pretty thin The water's getting warm so you might as well swim My world's on fire How 'bout yours
 That's the way I like it and I'll never get bored Hey, now, you're an all-star {Shouting} Get your game on, go play Hey, now You're a rock star Get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootin' stars break the mould {Belches} Go! Go! {Record Scratching} Go. Go. Go. Hey, now, you're an all-star Get your game on, go play Hey, now You're a rock star Get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootin' stars break the mould -Think it's in there? -All right. Let's get it! -Whoa.
 Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you? -Yeah, it'll grind your bones for its bread. {Laughs} -Yes, well, actually, that would be a giant. Now, ogres - - They're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin. -No! -They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast. -Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya! {Gasping} -Right. {Roaring} {Shouting} {Roaring} {Whispers} This is the part where you run away. {Gasping} {Laughs} {Laughing} And stay
 out! "Wanted. Fairy tale creatures." {Sighs} {Man's voice} All right. This one's full. -Take it away! {Gasps) -Move it along. Come on! Get up! -Next! -Give me that! Your flying days are over. That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next! -Get up! Come on! -Twenty pieces. {Thudding} -Sit down there! -Keep quiet! {Crying} -This cage is too small. -Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please! Give me another chance! -Oh, shut up. -Oh! -Next! -What have you got? -This little
 wooden puppet. -l'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. -Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. -Father, please! Don't let them do this! -Help me! -Next! What have you got? -Well, I've got a talking donkey. {Grunts} -Right. WellI, that's good for ten shillings, if you
 can prove it. -Oh, go ahead, little fella. -Well? -Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - - -That's it. I've heard enough. Guards! -No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to
 talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw. -Get her out of my sight. -No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk! {Gasps} -Hey! I can fly! -He can fly! -He can fly! -He can talk! -Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey. You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha! Oh-oh. {Grunts} -Seize him! -After him! He's getting away! {Grunts, Gasps} {Man} -Get him! This way! Turn! -You there. Ogre! -Aye? -By the order of Lord Farquaad l am
 authorized to place you both under arrest and transport you to a designated.... resettlement facility. -Oh, really? You and what army? {Gasps, Whimpering}{Chuckles} -Can I say something to you? -Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible! Are you talkin' to -- me? Whoa! -Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards! They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in
 the woods. That really made me feel good to see that. -Oh, that's great. Really. -Man, it's good to be free. -Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm? -But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us. {Roaring} -Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work,
 are you following me? -I'll tell you why. 'Cause l'm all alone There's no one here beside me My problems have all gone There's no one to deride me But you gotta have friends - - -Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't
 have any friends. -Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest. -Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am ? -Uh -- Really tall? -No! I'm an ogre! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you? -Nope. -Really? -Really, really. -Oh. -Man, I like you. What's you name? -Uh, Shrek. -Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing. I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that.
 Who'd want to live in place like that? -That would be my home. -Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. -l guess you don't entertain much, do you? -I like my privacy. -You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence. -Can
 Istay with you? -Uh, what? -Can I stay with you, please? -Of course! -Really? -No. -Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please! -Okay! Okay! But one night only. -Ah! Thank you! -What are you - - No! No! -This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles. -Oh! -Where do, uh, I sleep? -Outside! -Oh, well. I
 guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know. {Sniffles} -Here I go. -Good night. {Sighs} -I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside. I'm all alone There's no one here beside me {Bubbling} {Sighs} {Creaking} {Sighs} -I thought told you to stay outside. -l'm outside. {Clattering} -Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? -It's
 not home, but it'll do just fine. -What a lovely bed. -Got ya. {Sniffs} I found some cheese. -Ow! {Grunts}-Blah! Awful stuff. -Is that you, Gorder? -How did you know? -Enough! What are you doing in my house? {Grunts} -Hey! {Snickers} -Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table. -Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken. -Huh? {Gasps} {Male voice} What? -I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying ogre! What do I have to do get a little privacy? -Aah! -Oh, no. No! No! {Cackling} -What? -
 Quit it. -Don't push. {Squeaking} {Lows} - What are you doing in my swamp? {Echoing} Swamp! Swamp! Swamp! {Gasping} -Oh, dear! -Whoa! -All right get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey! -Quickly. Come on! -No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there. -Oh! {Sighs} -Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them. -Oh, gosh, no one invited us. -What? -We were forced to come here. -By who? -Lord Farquaad. -He huffed und he puffed und he..... signed an eviction notice.
 {Sighs} -All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is? {Murmuring} -Oh, I do. I know where he is. -Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all? -Me! Me! -Anyone? -Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me! {Sighs} -Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from! {Cheering} {Twittering} -Oh! You! You're comin' with
 me. - All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it! -On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek. -Hey. Oh, oh! -I can't wait to get on the road again. -What did I say about singing? -Can I whistle? -No. -Can I hum it? -All right hum it. {Humming} {Grunts} {Whimpering} -That's enough. He's ready to talk. {Coughing} {Laughing} {Clears throat} -Run, run, run, as fast as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man! -You
 know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane? -Well,
 she's married to the muffin man. -The muffin man? -The muffin man! -She's married to the muffin man. {Door opens} -My lord! We found it. -Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in. {Man grunting} {Gasping} -Oh! -Magic mirror - - -Don't tell him anything! -No! {Gingerbread man whispers} -Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? -Well, technically you're not a king. -Uh, Thelonius. -You were saying? -What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can
 become one. AIl you have to do is marry a princess. -Go on. {Chuckles} -So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella. -Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives
 irrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that coo! you off. She's a loaded pistoi who likes pina coladas and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! -So, will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or
 bachelorette number three? -Two! Two! -Three! Three! -Two! Two! -Three! -Three? One? {Shudders} Three? --Three! Pick number three, my lord! -Okay, okay, uh, number three! -Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona. If you like pina coladas and getting caught in the rain -Princess Fiona. If you're not into voga -She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - - -But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night. -I'll do it. -Yes, but after sunset - - -Silence! I will make
 e's compensating for something? {Laughs} {Groans -Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek. -Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry. -Hey, you! {Screams} -Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -
 {Whimpering} {Sighs} {Whimpering, Groans} {Turnstile clatters} {Chuckles} {Sighs} -It's quiet. Too quiet. {Creaking} -Where is everybody? -Hey, look at this! {Clattering, whirring, clicking} Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town Here we have some rules Let us lay them down Don't make waves, stay in line And we'l! get along fine DuLoc is perfect place Please keep off of the grass Shine your shoes, wipe your... face Duloc is, DuLoc is DuLoc is perfect .. place {Camera shutter clicks {Whirring} -Wow!
 Let's do that again! -No. No. No, no, no! No. {Trumpet fanfare} {Crowd cheering} -Brave knights. -You are the best and brightest in all the land. -Today one of you shall prove himself - - -All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom. -Sorry about that. {Cheering} -That champion shall have the honour - - no, no -- the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place
 your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks! You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - - {Mumbling} Than l ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day. -Why
 the others? -Eat me! {Grunts} -I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or l'll - - -No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons. -All right then. Who's hiding them? -Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin
 an? -The muffin man? -The muffin man. -Yes
 are a monster. -I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that
 tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where
 with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White! -And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarde
 ci
 this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king! Captain assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament. -But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya l'd find it. -So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle. -Uh-huh. That's the place. -Do you think mayl
 and so on and so forth. Some of you may die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make. {Cheering} -Let the tournament begin! {Gasps} -Oh! -What is that? {Gasping} -It's hideous! -Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey. -Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the ogre will be named champion! Have it him! -Get him! -Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now. -Go ahead! Get him! -Can't we just settle this over a pint? -Kill the beast! -No? All right then. Come on! I don't give a damn about my
 can do what she wants to do and that's what I'm gonna do And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me Me, me, me -Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me! And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation Never said I wanted to improve my station -Ah! {Laughs} And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun -Yeah! And I don't have to please no one -The chair! Give him the chair! And I
 don't give a damn about my bad reputation Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me Me, me, me Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me {Bell dings} {Cheering} {Laughs) -Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha! {Shrek laughs} {Crowd gasping, murmuring} -Shall I give the order, sir? -No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion! -What? -Congratulations, ogre. You're won the honour of embarking on a great and noble quest. Quest? I'm
 already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back. -Your swamp? -Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures! {Crowd murmuring) -Indeed. All right, ogre. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back. -Exactly the way it was? -Down to the last slime-covered toadstool. -And the squatters? -As good as gone. -What kind of quest? -Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp
 which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place. -Is that about right? -Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk. -I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole ogre trip. -Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to
 you? -Uh, no, not really, no. -For your information, there's a lot more to ogres than people think. -Example? -Example? Okay, um, ogres are like onions. -{Sniffs} They stink? -Yes - - No! -They make you cry. -No! -You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs. -No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. {Sighs} -Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves
 on the whole damn planet. -You know, I thinkl preferred your humming. Do you have a tissue
 or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering. I'm on my way from misery to happiness today Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh I'm on my way from misery to happiness today Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh And everything that you receive up yonder Is what you give to me the day I wander I'm on my way I'm on my way I'm on my way -Oh! Shrek! Did you do that? -You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open. Believe me, Donkey,
 if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's brimstone We must be getting close. -Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither. {Rumbling} -Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location. {Laughing} -Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said ogres have layers? -Oh, aye. -Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves. -Wait a second.
 y. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support., well just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time. -Really? -Really, really. -Okay, that makes me feel so much better. -Just keep moving. And don't look down. -Okay, don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down. Keep on
 moving. Don't look down. {Gasps} -Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! -But you're already halfway. -But I know that half is safe! -Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back. -Shrek, no! Wait! -Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me? -Don't do that! -Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? -Oh, this? -Yes, that! -Yes? Yes, do it. Okay. {Screams} -No, Shrek! No! Stop it! -You said do it! I'm doin' it. -I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh! -That'll do,
 Donkey. That'll do. -Cool. -So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway? -Inside, waiting for us to rescue her. {Chuckles} -I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek. {Water dripping, wind howling} -You afraid? -No. -But - - - Shh. -Oh, good. Me neither. {Gasps} -'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean
 you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that. {Gasps} -Donkey, two things, okay? Shut... up. Now go over there and see you can find any stairs. -Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess. -The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower. -What makes you think sheIl be there? -I read it in a book once. -Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way
 they're goin'. {Creaking} -l'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. Il'd step all over it. -Well, at least wwe know where the princess is, but where's the - - -Dragon! {Screams}{Gasps} {Roars} -Donkey, look out! {Screams} {Whimpering} -Got ya! {Roars}{Gasps} {Shouts} -Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! {Screaming} {Gasps} -Oh! Aah! Aah! {Gasping} {Crowls} -No. Oh, no, No! {Screams}-Oh, what large teeth you have.
 {Crowls -l mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got there. Do i detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Oh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - - (Coughs) -l'm an asthmatic,
 and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek! {Gasps} {Whimpering} -No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! {Groans, Sighs} {Vocalizing} -Oh! Oh! -Wake up! -What? -Are you Princess Fiona? -l am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me. -Oh, that's nice. Now let's go! -But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment? -Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time. -Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window
 and down a rope onto your valiant steed. -You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you? -Mm-hmm. {Screams, grunts -But we have to savour this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something! -I don't think so. -Can I at least know the name of my champion? -Um, Shrek. -Sir Shrek. {Cleans throat) - pray that you take this favour as a token of my gratitude. -Thanks! {Roaring} -You didn't slay the dragon? -It's on my to-do list. Now come on! {Screams} -
 But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did. -Yeah, right before they burst into flame. -That's not the point. Oh! -Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there. -Well, I have to save my ass. -What kind of knight are you? -One of a kind. -Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long period of time. Just call me old-fashioned. {Laughs} -I don't want to rush into a physical
 relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - - Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot, but I just love ieceiving cards - - l'd really love to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't
 give permission - - What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh! {Growls} {Roaring} {Gasps} -Hi, Princess! -It talks! -Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick. {Screams} {Screaming} -Oh! {Thuds} {Groans} {Roars} {Roaring} -Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon. (Echoing} -Run! {Gasping} {Screaming} {Roaring} {Screams} {Roars} {Panting, sighs} {Whimpers} {Roars} -You did it! -You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're
 wonderful. You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. {Clears throat) -And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed? -I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed. -The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sin Knight, -Uh, no.. -Why not? -i have helmet hair. -Please. I wouldn't look upon the face of my rescuer. -No, no, you wouldn't - - 'nt. -But how will you kiss me? -What? That
 wasn't in the job description. -Maybe it's a perk. -No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss. -Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love? -Well, yes. {Laughing} -You think Shrek is your true love! -What is so funny? -Let's just say I'm not your type, okay? -Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your helmet. -Look. I really
 don't think this is a good idea. -Just take off the helmet. -l'm not going to. -Take it off. -No! -Now! -Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness. -You- - You're a- -an ogre. -Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming. -Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an ogre. {Sighs} -Princess, I was sent toesue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you. -Then why didn't he come rescue me? -Good question. You should ask him that when we get there. -
 But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some ogre and his- - his pet. -So much for noble steed. -You're not making my job any easier. -l'm sorry, but yourjob is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here. -Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, al right? . ma delivery boy. -You wouldn't dare. Put me down! -Ya comin', Donkey? -l'm right behind ya. -Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put
 Hey! {Sighs} -The sooner we get to Duloc the better. -You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful! -And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like? -Let me
 when you see him tomorrow. -Tomorrow? It'l! take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp? -No, that'll take longer. We can keep going. -But there's robbers in the woods. -Whoa!
 Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good. -Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest. -I need to find somewhere to camp now! {Birds wings fluttering} {Grunting} -Hey! Over here. -Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess. -No, no, it's perfect. It just neeu a fe homey touches. -Homey touches? Like what? {Crashing} -A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night. -You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will. -I said good night! -
 know you're making this up. -No, look. There he is, and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench. -
 There's just ne and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall around my land. -You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I
 think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out. -No, do ya think? -Are you hidin' something? -Never mind, Donkey. -Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it? -No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things. -Why don't you want to talk about it? -Why do you want to talk about it? -Why are you blocking? -l'm not blocking. -Oh, yes, you are. -Donkey, I'm warning you. -Who you trying to keep out? -Everyone! Okay? -Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere. -Oh! For the
 go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly ogre!" They judge me before they even know me. That's why 'm betteroff alo ne. -You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly ogre. -Yeah, I know. -So, uh, are there any donkeys up there? -Well, there's, um, Gabby,
 the princess. -Hmph. -Ah. Perfect. {Inhales} {Snoring} {Vocalizing} {Whistling} {Sizzling} {Sniffs, yawi s} -Mrmm, yeah, you know I like it like that. --Come on, baby. I saidI like it. -Donkey, wake up. -Huh? What? -Wake up. -What? -Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs? -Good
 morning, Princess! -What's all this about? -You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me. -Uh, thanks. {Sniffs} -Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us. {Belches} -Shrek! -What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Lau hs) , it's no way to behave in front of a princess. {Belches} -Thanks. -She's as nasty as you are. -{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected. -Well, maybe you shouldn't judge
 ok, pal, I don't know who you think you are! -Oh! Of course! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduce myself. Oh, Merry Men. {Laughs} {Accordion} Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo. I steal from the
 rich and give to the needy. He takes a wee percentage, But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damsels Man, I'm good What a guy, Monsieur Hood Break it down! like an honest fight and a saucy little maid What he's basically saying is he likes to get - - Paid So When an ogre in the bush grabs a lady by the tush That's bad hat's bad When aeauty's with a beast it makes me awfully mad He's mad He's really, really mad l'll take my blade and ram it through your heart Keep your ees on me, boys 'cause I'm
 ha wa amazing! Where id you learn that? -Well - - (Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt! -What? Oh, would you
 look at that? -Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry. -Why? What's wrong? -Shrek's hurt. -Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die. -Donkey, I'm okay. -You can't do this to me, Sek. ! a too young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich? -Lney! Ca Im down. If yoou want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns. -Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. If
 you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light! -(Both} Donkey! -Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns. -What are the flowers for? -For getting rid of Donkey. -Ah. -Now you hold still, and l'll yank this thing out. -Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'. -I'm sorry, but it has to come out. -No, it's tender. -Now, hold on. -what you're doing is the opposite of help. -Don't move. -Look, time out. -Would you - - {Grunts} -Okay. What do you propose we do? -Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue
 y? -Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- - Ugh! -Ow! -Hey, what's that? {Nervous chuckle} -That's- - Is that blood? {Sighs} {Bird
 a-la, lz-la-la-la {Both laughing} La-la, la-la, la-la -There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you. -That's Duloc? -Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's
 compensating for something, which I think means he has a really - - Ow! -Um, I, uh- - I guess we better move on. -Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey. {Blubbering} -What? -l mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine. -That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, naro on your back. Dead. -You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down? -Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea. -I didn't want to say nothin', but I got
 this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, {Bones crunch} -Ow! See? -Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner. -l'll get the firewood. -Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug. -Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this? -Uh, weedrat. Roti se style-No kı 'aing. Well, this is delicious. -Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weedrat stew. {Chuckling}{Sighs} -l guess I'll be dining a
 was wondering. Just remember, darling all the while -Are you- - You belong to me {Sighs} -Are you gonna eat that? {Chuckles} -Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset. -
 night. {Door creaks} -Oh! NowI really see what's goin' on here. -Oh, what are you talkin' about? -l don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts.
 she's a princess, and l'm - - -An ogre? -Yeah. An ogre. -Hey, where you goin'?-To get... move firewood. {Sighs} -Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you? {Wings
 'key! -Lisen keep breathing! I'll get you out of there! -No! -Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! -Shh. -Shrek! -This is me. {Muffled mumbling} -Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh,
 vcay another. This shall be the norm... until you find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form." -Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry. -It's a
 night. Shrek's ugly 24-7. -But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not
 rad thought of you because it's pretty and -- well, I don't really like it, butI thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd -- uh, uh - - {Sighs} -
 0 -Do it you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell. -You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth. -No! You can't breathe a word. No one must
 ever know. -What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets? -Promise you won't tell. Promise! -All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy. -Look at my eye twitchin'. {Door opens} {Snoring} -I tell him, I tell him not. I tel! him, I tell him not. I tell him. -Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - - {Snoring} -Shrek. Are you all right? -Perfect! Never been better. -I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell
 you. -You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night. -You heard what I said? -Every word. -I thought you'd understand. -Oh, I understand. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?" -ButI thought that wouldn't matter to you. -Yeah? Well, it does. {Gasps, sighs} -Ah, right on time. {Horse whinnies} -Princess, I've brought you a little something. {Fanfare} {Yawns} -What'd I miss? What'd i miss? {Muffled} -Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey. -Princess Fiona. -As
 agreed. -Take it and go before I change my mind. -Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you starded me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad. -Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no. {Snaps fingers} -Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a shor... farewell. -Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the ogre. It's not like it has feelings. -No, you're right. It doesn't. -
 reputation You're living in the past It's a new generation -Damn! {Whinnying} A girl
 cakes! Cakes have layers. -I don't care... what everyone likes. Ogres are not like cakes. -You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious. -No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later. -Parfaits may be the most delicious thing
 Donkeys don't have sleeves. -You know what I mean. -You can't tell me you're afraid of heights. -I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava! -Come on, D
 me down! -Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten? -You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knows what happens when you find y
 put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply. {Laughs} -l don't know. There are those who think little of him. -Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad. -Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the "measurin
 Shrek, what are you doing? {Laughs} -I just- - You know - -Oh, come on. I was just kidding. {Fire cracking} -And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only ogre to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah. -Hay, can you tell my future from these stars? -The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.
 That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots. -You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it. {Sighs} -Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway? -Ou svamp? You know, when we're through rescuing the princess. -We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no
 love of Pete! -What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway? -Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me an
 the Small and Annoying. -Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there? -That's the moon. -Oh, okay. {Orchestra} {Dulcimer} -Again, show me
 again. Mirror, mirror, show her to m
 Show
 people before you get to know them. {Vocalizing} -La liberte! Hey! -Princess! {Laughs} -What are you doing? -Be still, mon cherie, for I am you saviour! And l am rescuing you from this green-
 {Kissingrounds} -lbuast. -Hey! -That's my princess! Go find you own! -Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here
 about to start {Grunts, Groans} {Karate Yell} {Merry Men Gasping} {Panting} -Man, that was annoying! -Oh, you little- - {Karate Ye!l) {Accordion} {Shouting, groaning} {Chuckles} -Uh, shall we
 d the phone. (Grunts} Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from? -What? -That! Back there
 -
 flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't colour-blind! Blue flower, red thorns. -Ow! -Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'! -Ow! Not good. -Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head. {Grunts} -It's just about - - -Ow! Oh! -Ahem. -Nothing happened. We were just, uh - - -Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had
 chirping} {Grunts} My beloved monster and me We go everywhere together Wearin' a raincoat that has four sleeves Gets us through all kinds of weather -Aah! She will always be the only thing That comes between me and the awful sting That comes from living in a world that's so damn mean {Croaks} Oh, oh oh-sh-o.
 was ask. O
 Hey! La-l
 little differently tomorrow night. {Gulps} -Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fisheye tartare - - you name it. {Chuckles} -l'd like that. {Slurps, laughs} See the pyramids along the Nile -Um, Princess? Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle -Yes, hre
 Sunset? -Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late. -What? -Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you? -Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside. -Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until - - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark. {Sh.ek sighs)Go d igh
 And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it. -You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad. -Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel. -I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know -- and I'm not sayin' 'de -
 fluttering) -Princess? {Creaking} {Gasps} -It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games. {Screams} -Aah! -Oh, no! -No, help! -Shh! -Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! -No, it's okay. It's okay. -What did you do with the princess? -Donkey, I'm the princess. -Aah! -It's me, in this body. -Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hea.
 uh, different. -l'm ugly, okay? -Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - - -No. -I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember. -What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before. -It's only happens when sun goeS do
 spell. {Sighs} -When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to avwait the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this. {Sobs} -All right, all right Calm
 how a princess is meant to look. -Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad? -l have to. Only my true love's kiss can break the spell. -But, you know, um, you're kind of an ogre, and Shrek - - well, you got a lot in common. -Shrek? -Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm kay. i s 1r thflow
 I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go. -l can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek. {Gasps} -My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my
 ISE
 "By
 ek, it's
 oa that bad. You' re not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at
 {Dee,
 promised. Now hand it over. -Very well, ogre. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as
 Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawless Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage. {Gasps} -Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom? -Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make -- -Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed! -No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets. -Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! There's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests! -Fare-thee-well, ogre. -Shrek,
 what are you doing? You're letting her get away. -Yeah? So what? -Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, She's - - -I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home? -Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you. -I told you, didn't l? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!
 -But I thought---Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong! -Shrek. I heard there was a secret chord That David played and it pleased the Lord But you don't really care for music, do ya It goes like this the fourth, the fifth The minor fall the major lift The baffled king composing hallelujah Hallelujah, hallelujah Baby, I've been here before I know this room I've walked this floor I used to live alone before I knew you I've seen your flag on the marble arch But love is not a victory march It's a cold and it's
 a broken hallelujah Hallelujah, hallelujah And all I ever learned from love Is how to shoot at someone Who outdrew you {Moaning} And it's not a cry you can hear at night It's not somebody who's seen the light It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah {Moaning} Hallelujah, hallelujah {Thumping sound} -Donkey? {Grunts} -What are you doing? -I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one. -Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it. -It is
 around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half. -Oh! Your half. Hmm. -Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head. -Back off! -No, you back off. -This is my swamp! -Our swamp. -Let go, Donkey! -You let go. -Stubborn jackass! -Smelly ogre. -Fine! -Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet. -Well, I'm through with you. -Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well,
 guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away. -Oh, yeah? Well, if i treated you so bad, how come you came back? -Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other! -Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in the back! -Oh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings. -Go away! -
 There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you. -Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. -She wasn't talkin' about you. She was t kin' about, uh, somebody else. -She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about? -Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right? -Donkey! -No! -Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right? {Sighs} -I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big,
 stupid, ugly ogre. Can you forgive me? -Hey, that's what friends are for, right? -Right. Friends? -Friends. -So, um, what did Fiona say about me? -What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her? -The wedding! We'l! never make it in time. -Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I have a way. {Whistles} -Donkey? -l guess it's just my animal magnetism. {Laughing} -Aw, come here, you. -All right, all right. Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on
 and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet. -Whoo! {Bells tolling} {All gasping} -People of Du Loc, we gather here today to bear witness to the union.... -Um- -of our new king - --Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"? {Chuckling} -Go on. -Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you? -What are you talking about? -There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna
 say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!" -I don't have time for this! -Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you? -Yes. -You wanna hold her? -Yes. -Please her? -Yes! -Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that romantic crap! -All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line? -We gotta check it out. -And so, by the power vested in me, -What do you see? -The whole town's in there. -I now pronounce
 you husband and wife, -They're at the altar. -king and queen. -Mother Fletcher! He already said it. -Oh, for the love of Pete! {Grunts} -l object! -Shrek? {Gasps} -Oh, now what does he want? -Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? ! love DuLoc, first at all. Very clean. -What are you doing here? -Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wanis you, but showring up uninvited to a wedding - - -Fiona! I need to talk to you. -Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me - --
 But you can't marry him. -And why not? -Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king. -Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him. -He's not your true iove. -And what do you know about true love? -Weil, I - - Uh - - I mean - - -Oh, this is precious. The ogre has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord. {Crowd laughing} -An ogre and a princess! -Shrek, is this true? -Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!
 -"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before. {Whimpers} {Crown gasping} -Well, uh, that explains a lot. -Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both! -No, no! -Shrek! -This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See? -No, let go of me! Shrek! -No! -Don't just stand there, you morons. -Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! -l'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn
Sheek

Sheek

Were Through: {Man Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss. {Laughing} Like that's ever gonna happen. {Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes} What a load of - Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me l ain't the sharpest tool in the shed She was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb In the shape of an "L" on her forehead The years start comin' and they don't stop comin' Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin' Didn't make sense not to live for fun Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb So much to do so much to see So what's wrong with takin' the backstreets You'll never know if you don't go You'll never shine if you don't glow Hey, now You're an all-star Get your game on, go play Hey, now You're a rock star Get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootin' stars break the mould It's a cool place and they say it gets colder You're bundled up now but wait till you get older But the meteor men beg to differ Judging by the hole in the satellite picture The ice we skate is gettin' pretty thin The water's getting warm so you might as well swim My world's on fire How 'bout yours That's the way I like it and I'll never get bored Hey, now, you're an all-star {Shouting} Get your game on, go play Hey, now You're a rock star Get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootin' stars break the mould {Belches} Go! Go! {Record Scratching} Go. Go. Go. Hey, now, you're an all-star Get your game on, go play Hey, now You're a rock star Get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootin' stars break the mould -Think it's in there? -All right. Let's get it! -Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you? -Yeah, it'll grind your bones for its bread. {Laughs} -Yes, well, actually, that would be a giant. Now, ogres - - They're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin. -No! -They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast. -Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya! {Gasping} -Right. {Roaring} {Shouting} {Roaring} {Whispers} This is the part where you run away. {Gasping} {Laughs} {Laughing} And stay out! "Wanted. Fairy tale creatures." {Sighs} {Man's voice} All right. This one's full. -Take it away! {Gasps) -Move it along. Come on! Get up! -Next! -Give me that! Your flying days are over. That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next! -Get up! Come on! -Twenty pieces. {Thudding} -Sit down there! -Keep quiet! {Crying} -This cage is too small. -Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please! Give me another chance! -Oh, shut up. -Oh! -Next! -What have you got? -This little wooden puppet. -l'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. -Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. -Father, please! Don't let them do this! -Help me! -Next! What have you got? -Well, I've got a talking donkey. {Grunts} -Right. WellI, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it. -Oh, go ahead, little fella. -Well? -Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - - -That's it. I've heard enough. Guards! -No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw. -Get her out of my sight. -No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk! {Gasps} -Hey! I can fly! -He can fly! -He can fly! -He can talk! -Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey. You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha! Oh-oh. {Grunts} -Seize him! -After him! He's getting away! {Grunts, Gasps} {Man} -Get him! This way! Turn! -You there. Ogre! -Aye? -By the order of Lord Farquaad l am authorized to place you both under arrest and transport you to a designated.... resettlement facility. -Oh, really? You and what army? {Gasps, Whimpering}{Chuckles} -Can I say something to you? -Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible! Are you talkin' to -- me? Whoa! -Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards! They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that. -Oh, that's great. Really. -Man, it's good to be free. -Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm? -But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us. {Roaring} -Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, are you following me? -I'll tell you why. 'Cause l'm all alone There's no one here beside me My problems have all gone There's no one to deride me But you gotta have friends - - -Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends. -Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest. -Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am ? -Uh -- Really tall? -No! I'm an ogre! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you? -Nope. -Really? -Really, really. -Oh. -Man, I like you. What's you name? -Uh, Shrek. -Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing. I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that? -That would be my home. -Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. -l guess you don't entertain much, do you? -I like my privacy. -You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence. -Can Istay with you? -Uh, what? -Can I stay with you, please? -Of course! -Really? -No. -Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please! -Okay! Okay! But one night only. -Ah! Thank you! -What are you - - No! No! -This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles. -Oh! -Where do, uh, I sleep? -Outside! -Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know. {Sniffles} -Here I go. -Good night. {Sighs} -I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside. I'm all alone There's no one here beside me {Bubbling} {Sighs} {Creaking} {Sighs} -I thought told you to stay outside. -l'm outside. {Clattering} -Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? -It's not home, but it'll do just fine. -What a lovely bed. -Got ya. {Sniffs} I found some cheese. -Ow! {Grunts}-Blah! Awful stuff. -Is that you, Gorder? -How did you know? -Enough! What are you doing in my house? {Grunts} -Hey! {Snickers} -Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table. -Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken. -Huh? {Gasps} {Male voice} What? -I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying ogre! What do I have to do get a little privacy? -Aah! -Oh, no. No! No! {Cackling} -What? - Quit it. -Don't push. {Squeaking} {Lows} - What are you doing in my swamp? {Echoing} Swamp! Swamp! Swamp! {Gasping} -Oh, dear! -Whoa! -All right get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey! -Quickly. Come on! -No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there. -Oh! {Sighs} -Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them. -Oh, gosh, no one invited us. -What? -We were forced to come here. -By who? -Lord Farquaad. -He huffed und he puffed und he..... signed an eviction notice. {Sighs} -All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is? {Murmuring} -Oh, I do. I know where he is. -Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all? -Me! Me! -Anyone? -Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me! {Sighs} -Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from! {Cheering} {Twittering} -Oh! You! You're comin' with me. - All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it! -On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek. -Hey. Oh, oh! -I can't wait to get on the road again. -What did I say about singing? -Can I whistle? -No. -Can I hum it? -All right hum it. {Humming} {Grunts} {Whimpering} -That's enough. He's ready to talk. {Coughing} {Laughing} {Clears throat} -Run, run, run, as fast as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man! -You know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane? -Well, she's married to the muffin man. -The muffin man? -The muffin man! -She's married to the muffin man. {Door opens} -My lord! We found it. -Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in. {Man grunting} {Gasping} -Oh! -Magic mirror - - -Don't tell him anything! -No! {Gingerbread man whispers} -Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? -Well, technically you're not a king. -Uh, Thelonius. -You were saying? -What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one. AIl you have to do is marry a princess. -Go on. {Chuckles} -So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella. -Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives irrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that coo! you off. She's a loaded pistoi who likes pina coladas and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! -So, will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three? -Two! Two! -Three! Three! -Two! Two! -Three! -Three? One? {Shudders} Three? --Three! Pick number three, my lord! -Okay, okay, uh, number three! -Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona. If you like pina coladas and getting caught in the rain -Princess Fiona. If you're not into voga -She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - - -But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night. -I'll do it. -Yes, but after sunset - - -Silence! I will make e's compensating for something? {Laughs} {Groans -Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek. -Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry. -Hey, you! {Screams} -Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - - {Whimpering} {Sighs} {Whimpering, Groans} {Turnstile clatters} {Chuckles} {Sighs} -It's quiet. Too quiet. {Creaking} -Where is everybody? -Hey, look at this! {Clattering, whirring, clicking} Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town Here we have some rules Let us lay them down Don't make waves, stay in line And we'l! get along fine DuLoc is perfect place Please keep off of the grass Shine your shoes, wipe your... face Duloc is, DuLoc is DuLoc is perfect .. place {Camera shutter clicks {Whirring} -Wow! Let's do that again! -No. No. No, no, no! No. {Trumpet fanfare} {Crowd cheering} -Brave knights. -You are the best and brightest in all the land. -Today one of you shall prove himself - - -All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom. -Sorry about that. {Cheering} -That champion shall have the honour - - no, no -- the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks! You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - - {Mumbling} Than l ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day. -Why the others? -Eat me! {Grunts} -I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or l'll - - -No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons. -All right then. Who's hiding them? -Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin an? -The muffin man? -The muffin man. -Yes are a monster. -I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White! -And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarde ci this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king! Captain assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament. -But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya l'd find it. -So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle. -Uh-huh. That's the place. -Do you think mayl and so on and so forth. Some of you may die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make. {Cheering} -Let the tournament begin! {Gasps} -Oh! -What is that? {Gasping} -It's hideous! -Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey. -Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the ogre will be named champion! Have it him! -Get him! -Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now. -Go ahead! Get him! -Can't we just settle this over a pint? -Kill the beast! -No? All right then. Come on! I don't give a damn about my can do what she wants to do and that's what I'm gonna do And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me Me, me, me -Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me! And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation Never said I wanted to improve my station -Ah! {Laughs} And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun -Yeah! And I don't have to please no one -The chair! Give him the chair! And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me Me, me, me Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me {Bell dings} {Cheering} {Laughs) -Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha! {Shrek laughs} {Crowd gasping, murmuring} -Shall I give the order, sir? -No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion! -What? -Congratulations, ogre. You're won the honour of embarking on a great and noble quest. Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back. -Your swamp? -Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures! {Crowd murmuring) -Indeed. All right, ogre. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back. -Exactly the way it was? -Down to the last slime-covered toadstool. -And the squatters? -As good as gone. -What kind of quest? -Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place. -Is that about right? -Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk. -I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole ogre trip. -Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you? -Uh, no, not really, no. -For your information, there's a lot more to ogres than people think. -Example? -Example? Okay, um, ogres are like onions. -{Sniffs} They stink? -Yes - - No! -They make you cry. -No! -You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs. -No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. {Sighs} -Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves on the whole damn planet. -You know, I thinkl preferred your humming. Do you have a tissue or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering. I'm on my way from misery to happiness today Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh I'm on my way from misery to happiness today Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh And everything that you receive up yonder Is what you give to me the day I wander I'm on my way I'm on my way I'm on my way -Oh! Shrek! Did you do that? -You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's brimstone We must be getting close. -Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither. {Rumbling} -Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location. {Laughing} -Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said ogres have layers? -Oh, aye. -Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves. -Wait a second. y. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support., well just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time. -Really? -Really, really. -Okay, that makes me feel so much better. -Just keep moving. And don't look down. -Okay, don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't look down. {Gasps} -Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! -But you're already halfway. -But I know that half is safe! -Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back. -Shrek, no! Wait! -Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me? -Don't do that! -Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? -Oh, this? -Yes, that! -Yes? Yes, do it. Okay. {Screams} -No, Shrek! No! Stop it! -You said do it! I'm doin' it. -I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh! -That'll do, Donkey. That'll do. -Cool. -So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway? -Inside, waiting for us to rescue her. {Chuckles} -I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek. {Water dripping, wind howling} -You afraid? -No. -But - - - Shh. -Oh, good. Me neither. {Gasps} -'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that. {Gasps} -Donkey, two things, okay? Shut... up. Now go over there and see you can find any stairs. -Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess. -The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower. -What makes you think sheIl be there? -I read it in a book once. -Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'. {Creaking} -l'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. Il'd step all over it. -Well, at least wwe know where the princess is, but where's the - - -Dragon! {Screams}{Gasps} {Roars} -Donkey, look out! {Screams} {Whimpering} -Got ya! {Roars}{Gasps} {Shouts} -Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! {Screaming} {Gasps} -Oh! Aah! Aah! {Gasping} {Crowls} -No. Oh, no, No! {Screams}-Oh, what large teeth you have. {Crowls -l mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got there. Do i detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Oh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - - (Coughs) -l'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek! {Gasps} {Whimpering} -No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! {Groans, Sighs} {Vocalizing} -Oh! Oh! -Wake up! -What? -Are you Princess Fiona? -l am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me. -Oh, that's nice. Now let's go! -But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment? -Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time. -Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed. -You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you? -Mm-hmm. {Screams, grunts -But we have to savour this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something! -I don't think so. -Can I at least know the name of my champion? -Um, Shrek. -Sir Shrek. {Cleans throat) - pray that you take this favour as a token of my gratitude. -Thanks! {Roaring} -You didn't slay the dragon? -It's on my to-do list. Now come on! {Screams} - But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did. -Yeah, right before they burst into flame. -That's not the point. Oh! -Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there. -Well, I have to save my ass. -What kind of knight are you? -One of a kind. -Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long period of time. Just call me old-fashioned. {Laughs} -I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - - Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot, but I just love ieceiving cards - - l'd really love to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh! {Growls} {Roaring} {Gasps} -Hi, Princess! -It talks! -Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick. {Screams} {Screaming} -Oh! {Thuds} {Groans} {Roars} {Roaring} -Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon. (Echoing} -Run! {Gasping} {Screaming} {Roaring} {Screams} {Roars} {Panting, sighs} {Whimpers} {Roars} -You did it! -You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful. You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. {Clears throat) -And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed? -I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed. -The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sin Knight, -Uh, no.. -Why not? -i have helmet hair. -Please. I wouldn't look upon the face of my rescuer. -No, no, you wouldn't - - 'nt. -But how will you kiss me? -What? That wasn't in the job description. -Maybe it's a perk. -No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss. -Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love? -Well, yes. {Laughing} -You think Shrek is your true love! -What is so funny? -Let's just say I'm not your type, okay? -Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your helmet. -Look. I really don't think this is a good idea. -Just take off the helmet. -l'm not going to. -Take it off. -No! -Now! -Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness. -You- - You're a- -an ogre. -Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming. -Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an ogre. {Sighs} -Princess, I was sent toesue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you. -Then why didn't he come rescue me? -Good question. You should ask him that when we get there. - But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some ogre and his- - his pet. -So much for noble steed. -You're not making my job any easier. -l'm sorry, but yourjob is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here. -Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, al right? . ma delivery boy. -You wouldn't dare. Put me down! -Ya comin', Donkey? -l'm right behind ya. -Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put Hey! {Sighs} -The sooner we get to Duloc the better. -You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful! -And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like? -Let me when you see him tomorrow. -Tomorrow? It'l! take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp? -No, that'll take longer. We can keep going. -But there's robbers in the woods. -Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good. -Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest. -I need to find somewhere to camp now! {Birds wings fluttering} {Grunting} -Hey! Over here. -Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess. -No, no, it's perfect. It just neeu a fe homey touches. -Homey touches? Like what? {Crashing} -A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night. -You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will. -I said good night! - know you're making this up. -No, look. There he is, and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench. - There's just ne and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall around my land. -You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out. -No, do ya think? -Are you hidin' something? -Never mind, Donkey. -Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it? -No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things. -Why don't you want to talk about it? -Why do you want to talk about it? -Why are you blocking? -l'm not blocking. -Oh, yes, you are. -Donkey, I'm warning you. -Who you trying to keep out? -Everyone! Okay? -Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere. -Oh! For the go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly ogre!" They judge me before they even know me. That's why 'm betteroff alo ne. -You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly ogre. -Yeah, I know. -So, uh, are there any donkeys up there? -Well, there's, um, Gabby, the princess. -Hmph. -Ah. Perfect. {Inhales} {Snoring} {Vocalizing} {Whistling} {Sizzling} {Sniffs, yawi s} -Mrmm, yeah, you know I like it like that. --Come on, baby. I saidI like it. -Donkey, wake up. -Huh? What? -Wake up. -What? -Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs? -Good morning, Princess! -What's all this about? -You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me. -Uh, thanks. {Sniffs} -Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us. {Belches} -Shrek! -What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Lau hs) , it's no way to behave in front of a princess. {Belches} -Thanks. -She's as nasty as you are. -{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected. -Well, maybe you shouldn't judge ok, pal, I don't know who you think you are! -Oh! Of course! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduce myself. Oh, Merry Men. {Laughs} {Accordion} Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo. I steal from the rich and give to the needy. He takes a wee percentage, But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damsels Man, I'm good What a guy, Monsieur Hood Break it down! like an honest fight and a saucy little maid What he's basically saying is he likes to get - - Paid So When an ogre in the bush grabs a lady by the tush That's bad hat's bad When aeauty's with a beast it makes me awfully mad He's mad He's really, really mad l'll take my blade and ram it through your heart Keep your ees on me, boys 'cause I'm ha wa amazing! Where id you learn that? -Well - - (Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt! -What? Oh, would you look at that? -Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry. -Why? What's wrong? -Shrek's hurt. -Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die. -Donkey, I'm okay. -You can't do this to me, Sek. ! a too young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich? -Lney! Ca Im down. If yoou want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns. -Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light! -(Both} Donkey! -Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns. -What are the flowers for? -For getting rid of Donkey. -Ah. -Now you hold still, and l'll yank this thing out. -Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'. -I'm sorry, but it has to come out. -No, it's tender. -Now, hold on. -what you're doing is the opposite of help. -Don't move. -Look, time out. -Would you - - {Grunts} -Okay. What do you propose we do? -Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue y? -Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- - Ugh! -Ow! -Hey, what's that? {Nervous chuckle} -That's- - Is that blood? {Sighs} {Bird a-la, lz-la-la-la {Both laughing} La-la, la-la, la-la -There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you. -That's Duloc? -Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something, which I think means he has a really - - Ow! -Um, I, uh- - I guess we better move on. -Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey. {Blubbering} -What? -l mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine. -That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, naro on your back. Dead. -You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down? -Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea. -I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, {Bones crunch} -Ow! See? -Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner. -l'll get the firewood. -Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug. -Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this? -Uh, weedrat. Roti se style-No kı 'aing. Well, this is delicious. -Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weedrat stew. {Chuckling}{Sighs} -l guess I'll be dining a was wondering. Just remember, darling all the while -Are you- - You belong to me {Sighs} -Are you gonna eat that? {Chuckles} -Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset. - night. {Door creaks} -Oh! NowI really see what's goin' on here. -Oh, what are you talkin' about? -l don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. she's a princess, and l'm - - -An ogre? -Yeah. An ogre. -Hey, where you goin'?-To get... move firewood. {Sighs} -Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you? {Wings 'key! -Lisen keep breathing! I'll get you out of there! -No! -Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! -Shh. -Shrek! -This is me. {Muffled mumbling} -Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, vcay another. This shall be the norm... until you find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form." -Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry. -It's a night. Shrek's ugly 24-7. -But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not rad thought of you because it's pretty and -- well, I don't really like it, butI thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd -- uh, uh - - {Sighs} - 0 -Do it you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell. -You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth. -No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know. -What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets? -Promise you won't tell. Promise! -All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy. -Look at my eye twitchin'. {Door opens} {Snoring} -I tell him, I tell him not. I tel! him, I tell him not. I tell him. -Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - - {Snoring} -Shrek. Are you all right? -Perfect! Never been better. -I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you. -You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night. -You heard what I said? -Every word. -I thought you'd understand. -Oh, I understand. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?" -ButI thought that wouldn't matter to you. -Yeah? Well, it does. {Gasps, sighs} -Ah, right on time. {Horse whinnies} -Princess, I've brought you a little something. {Fanfare} {Yawns} -What'd I miss? What'd i miss? {Muffled} -Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey. -Princess Fiona. -As agreed. -Take it and go before I change my mind. -Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you starded me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad. -Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no. {Snaps fingers} -Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a shor... farewell. -Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the ogre. It's not like it has feelings. -No, you're right. It doesn't. - reputation You're living in the past It's a new generation -Damn! {Whinnying} A girl cakes! Cakes have layers. -I don't care... what everyone likes. Ogres are not like cakes. -You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious. -No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later. -Parfaits may be the most delicious thing Donkeys don't have sleeves. -You know what I mean. -You can't tell me you're afraid of heights. -I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava! -Come on, D me down! -Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten? -You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knows what happens when you find y put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply. {Laughs} -l don't know. There are those who think little of him. -Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad. -Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the "measurin Shrek, what are you doing? {Laughs} -I just- - You know - -Oh, come on. I was just kidding. {Fire cracking} -And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only ogre to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah. -Hay, can you tell my future from these stars? -The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for. That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots. -You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it. {Sighs} -Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway? -Ou svamp? You know, when we're through rescuing the princess. -We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no love of Pete! -What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway? -Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me an the Small and Annoying. -Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there? -That's the moon. -Oh, okay. {Orchestra} {Dulcimer} -Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to m Show people before you get to know them. {Vocalizing} -La liberte! Hey! -Princess! {Laughs} -What are you doing? -Be still, mon cherie, for I am you saviour! And l am rescuing you from this green- {Kissingrounds} -lbuast. -Hey! -That's my princess! Go find you own! -Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here about to start {Grunts, Groans} {Karate Yell} {Merry Men Gasping} {Panting} -Man, that was annoying! -Oh, you little- - {Karate Ye!l) {Accordion} {Shouting, groaning} {Chuckles} -Uh, shall we d the phone. (Grunts} Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from? -What? -That! Back there - flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't colour-blind! Blue flower, red thorns. -Ow! -Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'! -Ow! Not good. -Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head. {Grunts} -It's just about - - -Ow! Oh! -Ahem. -Nothing happened. We were just, uh - - -Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had chirping} {Grunts} My beloved monster and me We go everywhere together Wearin' a raincoat that has four sleeves Gets us through all kinds of weather -Aah! She will always be the only thing That comes between me and the awful sting That comes from living in a world that's so damn mean {Croaks} Oh, oh oh-sh-o. was ask. O Hey! La-l little differently tomorrow night. {Gulps} -Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fisheye tartare - - you name it. {Chuckles} -l'd like that. {Slurps, laughs} See the pyramids along the Nile -Um, Princess? Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle -Yes, hre Sunset? -Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late. -What? -Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you? -Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside. -Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until - - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark. {Sh.ek sighs)Go d igh And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it. -You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad. -Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel. -I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know -- and I'm not sayin' 'de - fluttering) -Princess? {Creaking} {Gasps} -It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games. {Screams} -Aah! -Oh, no! -No, help! -Shh! -Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! -No, it's okay. It's okay. -What did you do with the princess? -Donkey, I'm the princess. -Aah! -It's me, in this body. -Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hea. uh, different. -l'm ugly, okay? -Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - - -No. -I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember. -What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before. -It's only happens when sun goeS do spell. {Sighs} -When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to avwait the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this. {Sobs} -All right, all right Calm how a princess is meant to look. -Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad? -l have to. Only my true love's kiss can break the spell. -But, you know, um, you're kind of an ogre, and Shrek - - well, you got a lot in common. -Shrek? -Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm kay. i s 1r thflow I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go. -l can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek. {Gasps} -My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my ISE "By ek, it's oa that bad. You' re not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at {Dee, promised. Now hand it over. -Very well, ogre. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawless Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage. {Gasps} -Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom? -Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make -- -Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed! -No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets. -Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! There's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests! -Fare-thee-well, ogre. -Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away. -Yeah? So what? -Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, She's - - -I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home? -Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you. -I told you, didn't l? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys! -But I thought---Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong! -Shrek. I heard there was a secret chord That David played and it pleased the Lord But you don't really care for music, do ya It goes like this the fourth, the fifth The minor fall the major lift The baffled king composing hallelujah Hallelujah, hallelujah Baby, I've been here before I know this room I've walked this floor I used to live alone before I knew you I've seen your flag on the marble arch But love is not a victory march It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah Hallelujah, hallelujah And all I ever learned from love Is how to shoot at someone Who outdrew you {Moaning} And it's not a cry you can hear at night It's not somebody who's seen the light It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah {Moaning} Hallelujah, hallelujah {Thumping sound} -Donkey? {Grunts} -What are you doing? -I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one. -Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it. -It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half. -Oh! Your half. Hmm. -Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head. -Back off! -No, you back off. -This is my swamp! -Our swamp. -Let go, Donkey! -You let go. -Stubborn jackass! -Smelly ogre. -Fine! -Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet. -Well, I'm through with you. -Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away. -Oh, yeah? Well, if i treated you so bad, how come you came back? -Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other! -Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in the back! -Oh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings. -Go away! - There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you. -Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. -She wasn't talkin' about you. She was t kin' about, uh, somebody else. -She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about? -Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right? -Donkey! -No! -Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right? {Sighs} -I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly ogre. Can you forgive me? -Hey, that's what friends are for, right? -Right. Friends? -Friends. -So, um, what did Fiona say about me? -What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her? -The wedding! We'l! never make it in time. -Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I have a way. {Whistles} -Donkey? -l guess it's just my animal magnetism. {Laughing} -Aw, come here, you. -All right, all right. Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet. -Whoo! {Bells tolling} {All gasping} -People of Du Loc, we gather here today to bear witness to the union.... -Um- -of our new king - --Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"? {Chuckling} -Go on. -Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you? -What are you talking about? -There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!" -I don't have time for this! -Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you? -Yes. -You wanna hold her? -Yes. -Please her? -Yes! -Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that romantic crap! -All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line? -We gotta check it out. -And so, by the power vested in me, -What do you see? -The whole town's in there. -I now pronounce you husband and wife, -They're at the altar. -king and queen. -Mother Fletcher! He already said it. -Oh, for the love of Pete! {Grunts} -l object! -Shrek? {Gasps} -Oh, now what does he want? -Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? ! love DuLoc, first at all. Very clean. -What are you doing here? -Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wanis you, but showring up uninvited to a wedding - - -Fiona! I need to talk to you. -Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me - -- But you can't marry him. -And why not? -Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king. -Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him. -He's not your true iove. -And what do you know about true love? -Weil, I - - Uh - - I mean - - -Oh, this is precious. The ogre has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord. {Crowd laughing} -An ogre and a princess! -Shrek, is this true? -Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm! -"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before. {Whimpers} {Crown gasping} -Well, uh, that explains a lot. -Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both! -No, no! -Shrek! -This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See? -No, let go of me! Shrek! -No! -Don't just stand there, you morons. -Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! -l'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn Me irl
Were Through: {Man Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss. {Laughing} Like that's ever gonna happen. {Paper Rusting, Toilet
 Flushes} What a load of - Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me l ain't the sharpest tool in the shed She was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb In the shape of an "L" on her forehead The years start comin' and they don't stop comin' Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin' Didn't make sense not to live for fun Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb So much to do so much to see So what's wrong with takin' the backstreets You'll never know if you don't go
 You'll never shine if you don't glow Hey, now You're an all-star Get your game on, go play Hey, now You're a rock star Get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootin' stars break the mould It's a cool place and they say it gets colder You're bundled up now but wait till you get older But the meteor men beg to differ Judging by the hole in the satellite picture The ice we skate is gettin' pretty thin The water's getting warm so you might as well swim My world's on fire How 'bout yours
 That's the way I like it and I'll never get bored Hey, now, you're an all-star {Shouting} Get your game on, go play Hey, now You're a rock star Get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootin' stars break the mould {Belches} Go! Go! {Record Scratching} Go. Go. Go. Hey, now, you're an all-star Get your game on, go play Hey, now You're a rock star Get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootin' stars break the mould -Think it's in there? -All right. Let's get it! -Whoa.
 Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you? -Yeah, it'll grind your bones for its bread. {Laughs} -Yes, well, actually, that would be a giant. Now, ogres - - They're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin. -No! -They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast. -Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya! {Gasping} -Right. {Roaring} {Shouting} {Roaring} {Whispers} This is the part where you run away. {Gasping} {Laughs} {Laughing} And stay
 out! "Wanted. Fairy tale creatures." {Sighs} {Man's voice} All right. This one's full. -Take it away! {Gasps) -Move it along. Come on! Get up! -Next! -Give me that! Your flying days are over. That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next! -Get up! Come on! -Twenty pieces. {Thudding} -Sit down there! -Keep quiet! {Crying} -This cage is too small. -Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please! Give me another chance! -Oh, shut up. -Oh! -Next! -What have you got? -This little
 wooden puppet. -l'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. -Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. -Father, please! Don't let them do this! -Help me! -Next! What have you got? -Well, I've got a talking donkey. {Grunts} -Right. WellI, that's good for ten shillings, if you
 can prove it. -Oh, go ahead, little fella. -Well? -Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - - -That's it. I've heard enough. Guards! -No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to
 talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw. -Get her out of my sight. -No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk! {Gasps} -Hey! I can fly! -He can fly! -He can fly! -He can talk! -Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey. You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha! Oh-oh. {Grunts} -Seize him! -After him! He's getting away! {Grunts, Gasps} {Man} -Get him! This way! Turn! -You there. Ogre! -Aye? -By the order of Lord Farquaad l am
 authorized to place you both under arrest and transport you to a designated.... resettlement facility. -Oh, really? You and what army? {Gasps, Whimpering}{Chuckles} -Can I say something to you? -Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible! Are you talkin' to -- me? Whoa! -Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards! They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in
 the woods. That really made me feel good to see that. -Oh, that's great. Really. -Man, it's good to be free. -Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm? -But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us. {Roaring} -Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work,
 are you following me? -I'll tell you why. 'Cause l'm all alone There's no one here beside me My problems have all gone There's no one to deride me But you gotta have friends - - -Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't
 have any friends. -Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest. -Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am ? -Uh -- Really tall? -No! I'm an ogre! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you? -Nope. -Really? -Really, really. -Oh. -Man, I like you. What's you name? -Uh, Shrek. -Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing. I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that.
 Who'd want to live in place like that? -That would be my home. -Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. -l guess you don't entertain much, do you? -I like my privacy. -You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence. -Can
 Istay with you? -Uh, what? -Can I stay with you, please? -Of course! -Really? -No. -Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please! -Okay! Okay! But one night only. -Ah! Thank you! -What are you - - No! No! -This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles. -Oh! -Where do, uh, I sleep? -Outside! -Oh, well. I
 guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know. {Sniffles} -Here I go. -Good night. {Sighs} -I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside. I'm all alone There's no one here beside me {Bubbling} {Sighs} {Creaking} {Sighs} -I thought told you to stay outside. -l'm outside. {Clattering} -Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? -It's
 not home, but it'll do just fine. -What a lovely bed. -Got ya. {Sniffs} I found some cheese. -Ow! {Grunts}-Blah! Awful stuff. -Is that you, Gorder? -How did you know? -Enough! What are you doing in my house? {Grunts} -Hey! {Snickers} -Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table. -Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken. -Huh? {Gasps} {Male voice} What? -I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying ogre! What do I have to do get a little privacy? -Aah! -Oh, no. No! No! {Cackling} -What? -
 Quit it. -Don't push. {Squeaking} {Lows} - What are you doing in my swamp? {Echoing} Swamp! Swamp! Swamp! {Gasping} -Oh, dear! -Whoa! -All right get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey! -Quickly. Come on! -No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there. -Oh! {Sighs} -Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them. -Oh, gosh, no one invited us. -What? -We were forced to come here. -By who? -Lord Farquaad. -He huffed und he puffed und he..... signed an eviction notice.
 {Sighs} -All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is? {Murmuring} -Oh, I do. I know where he is. -Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all? -Me! Me! -Anyone? -Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me! {Sighs} -Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from! {Cheering} {Twittering} -Oh! You! You're comin' with
 me. - All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it! -On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek. -Hey. Oh, oh! -I can't wait to get on the road again. -What did I say about singing? -Can I whistle? -No. -Can I hum it? -All right hum it. {Humming} {Grunts} {Whimpering} -That's enough. He's ready to talk. {Coughing} {Laughing} {Clears throat} -Run, run, run, as fast as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man! -You
 know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane? -Well,
 she's married to the muffin man. -The muffin man? -The muffin man! -She's married to the muffin man. {Door opens} -My lord! We found it. -Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in. {Man grunting} {Gasping} -Oh! -Magic mirror - - -Don't tell him anything! -No! {Gingerbread man whispers} -Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? -Well, technically you're not a king. -Uh, Thelonius. -You were saying? -What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can
 become one. AIl you have to do is marry a princess. -Go on. {Chuckles} -So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella. -Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives
 irrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that coo! you off. She's a loaded pistoi who likes pina coladas and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! -So, will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or
 bachelorette number three? -Two! Two! -Three! Three! -Two! Two! -Three! -Three? One? {Shudders} Three? --Three! Pick number three, my lord! -Okay, okay, uh, number three! -Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona. If you like pina coladas and getting caught in the rain -Princess Fiona. If you're not into voga -She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - - -But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night. -I'll do it. -Yes, but after sunset - - -Silence! I will make
 e's compensating for something? {Laughs} {Groans -Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek. -Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry. -Hey, you! {Screams} -Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -
 {Whimpering} {Sighs} {Whimpering, Groans} {Turnstile clatters} {Chuckles} {Sighs} -It's quiet. Too quiet. {Creaking} -Where is everybody? -Hey, look at this! {Clattering, whirring, clicking} Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town Here we have some rules Let us lay them down Don't make waves, stay in line And we'l! get along fine DuLoc is perfect place Please keep off of the grass Shine your shoes, wipe your... face Duloc is, DuLoc is DuLoc is perfect .. place {Camera shutter clicks {Whirring} -Wow!
 Let's do that again! -No. No. No, no, no! No. {Trumpet fanfare} {Crowd cheering} -Brave knights. -You are the best and brightest in all the land. -Today one of you shall prove himself - - -All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom. -Sorry about that. {Cheering} -That champion shall have the honour - - no, no -- the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place
 your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks! You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - - {Mumbling} Than l ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day. -Why
 the others? -Eat me! {Grunts} -I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or l'll - - -No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons. -All right then. Who's hiding them? -Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin
 an? -The muffin man? -The muffin man. -Yes
 are a monster. -I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that
 tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where
 with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White! -And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarde
 ci
 this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king! Captain assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament. -But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya l'd find it. -So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle. -Uh-huh. That's the place. -Do you think mayl
 and so on and so forth. Some of you may die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make. {Cheering} -Let the tournament begin! {Gasps} -Oh! -What is that? {Gasping} -It's hideous! -Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey. -Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the ogre will be named champion! Have it him! -Get him! -Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now. -Go ahead! Get him! -Can't we just settle this over a pint? -Kill the beast! -No? All right then. Come on! I don't give a damn about my
 can do what she wants to do and that's what I'm gonna do And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me Me, me, me -Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me! And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation Never said I wanted to improve my station -Ah! {Laughs} And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun -Yeah! And I don't have to please no one -The chair! Give him the chair! And I
 don't give a damn about my bad reputation Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me Me, me, me Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me {Bell dings} {Cheering} {Laughs) -Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha! {Shrek laughs} {Crowd gasping, murmuring} -Shall I give the order, sir? -No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion! -What? -Congratulations, ogre. You're won the honour of embarking on a great and noble quest. Quest? I'm
 already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back. -Your swamp? -Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures! {Crowd murmuring) -Indeed. All right, ogre. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back. -Exactly the way it was? -Down to the last slime-covered toadstool. -And the squatters? -As good as gone. -What kind of quest? -Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp
 which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place. -Is that about right? -Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk. -I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole ogre trip. -Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to
 you? -Uh, no, not really, no. -For your information, there's a lot more to ogres than people think. -Example? -Example? Okay, um, ogres are like onions. -{Sniffs} They stink? -Yes - - No! -They make you cry. -No! -You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs. -No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. {Sighs} -Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves
 on the whole damn planet. -You know, I thinkl preferred your humming. Do you have a tissue
 or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering. I'm on my way from misery to happiness today Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh I'm on my way from misery to happiness today Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh And everything that you receive up yonder Is what you give to me the day I wander I'm on my way I'm on my way I'm on my way -Oh! Shrek! Did you do that? -You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open. Believe me, Donkey,
 if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's brimstone We must be getting close. -Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither. {Rumbling} -Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location. {Laughing} -Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said ogres have layers? -Oh, aye. -Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves. -Wait a second.
 y. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support., well just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time. -Really? -Really, really. -Okay, that makes me feel so much better. -Just keep moving. And don't look down. -Okay, don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down. Keep on
 moving. Don't look down. {Gasps} -Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! -But you're already halfway. -But I know that half is safe! -Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back. -Shrek, no! Wait! -Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me? -Don't do that! -Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? -Oh, this? -Yes, that! -Yes? Yes, do it. Okay. {Screams} -No, Shrek! No! Stop it! -You said do it! I'm doin' it. -I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh! -That'll do,
 Donkey. That'll do. -Cool. -So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway? -Inside, waiting for us to rescue her. {Chuckles} -I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek. {Water dripping, wind howling} -You afraid? -No. -But - - - Shh. -Oh, good. Me neither. {Gasps} -'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean
 you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that. {Gasps} -Donkey, two things, okay? Shut... up. Now go over there and see you can find any stairs. -Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess. -The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower. -What makes you think sheIl be there? -I read it in a book once. -Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way
 they're goin'. {Creaking} -l'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. Il'd step all over it. -Well, at least wwe know where the princess is, but where's the - - -Dragon! {Screams}{Gasps} {Roars} -Donkey, look out! {Screams} {Whimpering} -Got ya! {Roars}{Gasps} {Shouts} -Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! {Screaming} {Gasps} -Oh! Aah! Aah! {Gasping} {Crowls} -No. Oh, no, No! {Screams}-Oh, what large teeth you have.
 {Crowls -l mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got there. Do i detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Oh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - - (Coughs) -l'm an asthmatic,
 and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek! {Gasps} {Whimpering} -No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! {Groans, Sighs} {Vocalizing} -Oh! Oh! -Wake up! -What? -Are you Princess Fiona? -l am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me. -Oh, that's nice. Now let's go! -But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment? -Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time. -Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window
 and down a rope onto your valiant steed. -You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you? -Mm-hmm. {Screams, grunts -But we have to savour this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something! -I don't think so. -Can I at least know the name of my champion? -Um, Shrek. -Sir Shrek. {Cleans throat) - pray that you take this favour as a token of my gratitude. -Thanks! {Roaring} -You didn't slay the dragon? -It's on my to-do list. Now come on! {Screams} -
 But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did. -Yeah, right before they burst into flame. -That's not the point. Oh! -Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there. -Well, I have to save my ass. -What kind of knight are you? -One of a kind. -Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long period of time. Just call me old-fashioned. {Laughs} -I don't want to rush into a physical
 relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - - Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot, but I just love ieceiving cards - - l'd really love to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't
 give permission - - What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh! {Growls} {Roaring} {Gasps} -Hi, Princess! -It talks! -Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick. {Screams} {Screaming} -Oh! {Thuds} {Groans} {Roars} {Roaring} -Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon. (Echoing} -Run! {Gasping} {Screaming} {Roaring} {Screams} {Roars} {Panting, sighs} {Whimpers} {Roars} -You did it! -You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're
 wonderful. You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. {Clears throat) -And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed? -I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed. -The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sin Knight, -Uh, no.. -Why not? -i have helmet hair. -Please. I wouldn't look upon the face of my rescuer. -No, no, you wouldn't - - 'nt. -But how will you kiss me? -What? That
 wasn't in the job description. -Maybe it's a perk. -No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss. -Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love? -Well, yes. {Laughing} -You think Shrek is your true love! -What is so funny? -Let's just say I'm not your type, okay? -Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your helmet. -Look. I really
 don't think this is a good idea. -Just take off the helmet. -l'm not going to. -Take it off. -No! -Now! -Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness. -You- - You're a- -an ogre. -Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming. -Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an ogre. {Sighs} -Princess, I was sent toesue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you. -Then why didn't he come rescue me? -Good question. You should ask him that when we get there. -
 But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some ogre and his- - his pet. -So much for noble steed. -You're not making my job any easier. -l'm sorry, but yourjob is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here. -Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, al right? . ma delivery boy. -You wouldn't dare. Put me down! -Ya comin', Donkey? -l'm right behind ya. -Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put
 Hey! {Sighs} -The sooner we get to Duloc the better. -You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful! -And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like? -Let me
 when you see him tomorrow. -Tomorrow? It'l! take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp? -No, that'll take longer. We can keep going. -But there's robbers in the woods. -Whoa!
 Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good. -Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest. -I need to find somewhere to camp now! {Birds wings fluttering} {Grunting} -Hey! Over here. -Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess. -No, no, it's perfect. It just neeu a fe homey touches. -Homey touches? Like what? {Crashing} -A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night. -You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will. -I said good night! -
 know you're making this up. -No, look. There he is, and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench. -
 There's just ne and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall around my land. -You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I
 think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out. -No, do ya think? -Are you hidin' something? -Never mind, Donkey. -Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it? -No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things. -Why don't you want to talk about it? -Why do you want to talk about it? -Why are you blocking? -l'm not blocking. -Oh, yes, you are. -Donkey, I'm warning you. -Who you trying to keep out? -Everyone! Okay? -Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere. -Oh! For the
 go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly ogre!" They judge me before they even know me. That's why 'm betteroff alo ne. -You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly ogre. -Yeah, I know. -So, uh, are there any donkeys up there? -Well, there's, um, Gabby,
 the princess. -Hmph. -Ah. Perfect. {Inhales} {Snoring} {Vocalizing} {Whistling} {Sizzling} {Sniffs, yawi s} -Mrmm, yeah, you know I like it like that. --Come on, baby. I saidI like it. -Donkey, wake up. -Huh? What? -Wake up. -What? -Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs? -Good
 morning, Princess! -What's all this about? -You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me. -Uh, thanks. {Sniffs} -Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us. {Belches} -Shrek! -What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Lau hs) , it's no way to behave in front of a princess. {Belches} -Thanks. -She's as nasty as you are. -{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected. -Well, maybe you shouldn't judge
 ok, pal, I don't know who you think you are! -Oh! Of course! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduce myself. Oh, Merry Men. {Laughs} {Accordion} Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo. I steal from the
 rich and give to the needy. He takes a wee percentage, But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damsels Man, I'm good What a guy, Monsieur Hood Break it down! like an honest fight and a saucy little maid What he's basically saying is he likes to get - - Paid So When an ogre in the bush grabs a lady by the tush That's bad hat's bad When aeauty's with a beast it makes me awfully mad He's mad He's really, really mad l'll take my blade and ram it through your heart Keep your ees on me, boys 'cause I'm
 ha wa amazing! Where id you learn that? -Well - - (Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt! -What? Oh, would you
 look at that? -Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry. -Why? What's wrong? -Shrek's hurt. -Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die. -Donkey, I'm okay. -You can't do this to me, Sek. ! a too young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich? -Lney! Ca Im down. If yoou want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns. -Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. If
 you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light! -(Both} Donkey! -Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns. -What are the flowers for? -For getting rid of Donkey. -Ah. -Now you hold still, and l'll yank this thing out. -Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'. -I'm sorry, but it has to come out. -No, it's tender. -Now, hold on. -what you're doing is the opposite of help. -Don't move. -Look, time out. -Would you - - {Grunts} -Okay. What do you propose we do? -Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue
 y? -Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- - Ugh! -Ow! -Hey, what's that? {Nervous chuckle} -That's- - Is that blood? {Sighs} {Bird
 a-la, lz-la-la-la {Both laughing} La-la, la-la, la-la -There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you. -That's Duloc? -Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's
 compensating for something, which I think means he has a really - - Ow! -Um, I, uh- - I guess we better move on. -Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey. {Blubbering} -What? -l mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine. -That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, naro on your back. Dead. -You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down? -Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea. -I didn't want to say nothin', but I got
 this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, {Bones crunch} -Ow! See? -Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner. -l'll get the firewood. -Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug. -Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this? -Uh, weedrat. Roti se style-No kı 'aing. Well, this is delicious. -Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weedrat stew. {Chuckling}{Sighs} -l guess I'll be dining a
 was wondering. Just remember, darling all the while -Are you- - You belong to me {Sighs} -Are you gonna eat that? {Chuckles} -Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset. -
 night. {Door creaks} -Oh! NowI really see what's goin' on here. -Oh, what are you talkin' about? -l don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts.
 she's a princess, and l'm - - -An ogre? -Yeah. An ogre. -Hey, where you goin'?-To get... move firewood. {Sighs} -Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you? {Wings
 'key! -Lisen keep breathing! I'll get you out of there! -No! -Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! -Shh. -Shrek! -This is me. {Muffled mumbling} -Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh,
 vcay another. This shall be the norm... until you find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form." -Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry. -It's a
 night. Shrek's ugly 24-7. -But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not
 rad thought of you because it's pretty and -- well, I don't really like it, butI thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd -- uh, uh - - {Sighs} -
 0 -Do it you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell. -You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth. -No! You can't breathe a word. No one must
 ever know. -What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets? -Promise you won't tell. Promise! -All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy. -Look at my eye twitchin'. {Door opens} {Snoring} -I tell him, I tell him not. I tel! him, I tell him not. I tell him. -Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - - {Snoring} -Shrek. Are you all right? -Perfect! Never been better. -I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell
 you. -You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night. -You heard what I said? -Every word. -I thought you'd understand. -Oh, I understand. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?" -ButI thought that wouldn't matter to you. -Yeah? Well, it does. {Gasps, sighs} -Ah, right on time. {Horse whinnies} -Princess, I've brought you a little something. {Fanfare} {Yawns} -What'd I miss? What'd i miss? {Muffled} -Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey. -Princess Fiona. -As
 agreed. -Take it and go before I change my mind. -Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you starded me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad. -Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no. {Snaps fingers} -Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a shor... farewell. -Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the ogre. It's not like it has feelings. -No, you're right. It doesn't. -
 reputation You're living in the past It's a new generation -Damn! {Whinnying} A girl
 cakes! Cakes have layers. -I don't care... what everyone likes. Ogres are not like cakes. -You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious. -No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later. -Parfaits may be the most delicious thing
 Donkeys don't have sleeves. -You know what I mean. -You can't tell me you're afraid of heights. -I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava! -Come on, D
 me down! -Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten? -You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knows what happens when you find y
 put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply. {Laughs} -l don't know. There are those who think little of him. -Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad. -Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the "measurin
 Shrek, what are you doing? {Laughs} -I just- - You know - -Oh, come on. I was just kidding. {Fire cracking} -And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only ogre to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah. -Hay, can you tell my future from these stars? -The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.
 That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots. -You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it. {Sighs} -Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway? -Ou svamp? You know, when we're through rescuing the princess. -We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no
 love of Pete! -What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway? -Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me an
 the Small and Annoying. -Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there? -That's the moon. -Oh, okay. {Orchestra} {Dulcimer} -Again, show me
 again. Mirror, mirror, show her to m
 Show
 people before you get to know them. {Vocalizing} -La liberte! Hey! -Princess! {Laughs} -What are you doing? -Be still, mon cherie, for I am you saviour! And l am rescuing you from this green-
 {Kissingrounds} -lbuast. -Hey! -That's my princess! Go find you own! -Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here
 about to start {Grunts, Groans} {Karate Yell} {Merry Men Gasping} {Panting} -Man, that was annoying! -Oh, you little- - {Karate Ye!l) {Accordion} {Shouting, groaning} {Chuckles} -Uh, shall we
 d the phone. (Grunts} Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from? -What? -That! Back there
 -
 flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't colour-blind! Blue flower, red thorns. -Ow! -Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'! -Ow! Not good. -Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head. {Grunts} -It's just about - - -Ow! Oh! -Ahem. -Nothing happened. We were just, uh - - -Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had
 chirping} {Grunts} My beloved monster and me We go everywhere together Wearin' a raincoat that has four sleeves Gets us through all kinds of weather -Aah! She will always be the only thing That comes between me and the awful sting That comes from living in a world that's so damn mean {Croaks} Oh, oh oh-sh-o.
 was ask. O
 Hey! La-l
 little differently tomorrow night. {Gulps} -Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fisheye tartare - - you name it. {Chuckles} -l'd like that. {Slurps, laughs} See the pyramids along the Nile -Um, Princess? Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle -Yes, hre
 Sunset? -Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late. -What? -Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you? -Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside. -Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until - - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark. {Sh.ek sighs)Go d igh
 And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it. -You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad. -Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel. -I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know -- and I'm not sayin' 'de -
 fluttering) -Princess? {Creaking} {Gasps} -It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games. {Screams} -Aah! -Oh, no! -No, help! -Shh! -Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! -No, it's okay. It's okay. -What did you do with the princess? -Donkey, I'm the princess. -Aah! -It's me, in this body. -Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hea.
 uh, different. -l'm ugly, okay? -Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - - -No. -I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember. -What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before. -It's only happens when sun goeS do
 spell. {Sighs} -When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to avwait the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this. {Sobs} -All right, all right Calm
 how a princess is meant to look. -Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad? -l have to. Only my true love's kiss can break the spell. -But, you know, um, you're kind of an ogre, and Shrek - - well, you got a lot in common. -Shrek? -Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm kay. i s 1r thflow
 I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go. -l can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek. {Gasps} -My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my
 ISE
 "By
 ek, it's
 oa that bad. You' re not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at
 {Dee,
 promised. Now hand it over. -Very well, ogre. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as
 Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawless Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage. {Gasps} -Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom? -Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make -- -Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed! -No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets. -Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! There's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests! -Fare-thee-well, ogre. -Shrek,
 what are you doing? You're letting her get away. -Yeah? So what? -Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, She's - - -I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home? -Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you. -I told you, didn't l? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!
 -But I thought---Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong! -Shrek. I heard there was a secret chord That David played and it pleased the Lord But you don't really care for music, do ya It goes like this the fourth, the fifth The minor fall the major lift The baffled king composing hallelujah Hallelujah, hallelujah Baby, I've been here before I know this room I've walked this floor I used to live alone before I knew you I've seen your flag on the marble arch But love is not a victory march It's a cold and it's
 a broken hallelujah Hallelujah, hallelujah And all I ever learned from love Is how to shoot at someone Who outdrew you {Moaning} And it's not a cry you can hear at night It's not somebody who's seen the light It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah {Moaning} Hallelujah, hallelujah {Thumping sound} -Donkey? {Grunts} -What are you doing? -I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one. -Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it. -It is
 around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half. -Oh! Your half. Hmm. -Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head. -Back off! -No, you back off. -This is my swamp! -Our swamp. -Let go, Donkey! -You let go. -Stubborn jackass! -Smelly ogre. -Fine! -Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet. -Well, I'm through with you. -Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well,
 guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away. -Oh, yeah? Well, if i treated you so bad, how come you came back? -Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other! -Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in the back! -Oh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings. -Go away! -
 There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you. -Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. -She wasn't talkin' about you. She was t kin' about, uh, somebody else. -She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about? -Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right? -Donkey! -No! -Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right? {Sighs} -I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big,
 stupid, ugly ogre. Can you forgive me? -Hey, that's what friends are for, right? -Right. Friends? -Friends. -So, um, what did Fiona say about me? -What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her? -The wedding! We'l! never make it in time. -Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I have a way. {Whistles} -Donkey? -l guess it's just my animal magnetism. {Laughing} -Aw, come here, you. -All right, all right. Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on
 and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet. -Whoo! {Bells tolling} {All gasping} -People of Du Loc, we gather here today to bear witness to the union.... -Um- -of our new king - --Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"? {Chuckling} -Go on. -Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you? -What are you talking about? -There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna
 say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!" -I don't have time for this! -Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you? -Yes. -You wanna hold her? -Yes. -Please her? -Yes! -Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that romantic crap! -All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line? -We gotta check it out. -And so, by the power vested in me, -What do you see? -The whole town's in there. -I now pronounce
 you husband and wife, -They're at the altar. -king and queen. -Mother Fletcher! He already said it. -Oh, for the love of Pete! {Grunts} -l object! -Shrek? {Gasps} -Oh, now what does he want? -Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? ! love DuLoc, first at all. Very clean. -What are you doing here? -Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wanis you, but showring up uninvited to a wedding - - -Fiona! I need to talk to you. -Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me - --
 But you can't marry him. -And why not? -Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king. -Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him. -He's not your true iove. -And what do you know about true love? -Weil, I - - Uh - - I mean - - -Oh, this is precious. The ogre has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord. {Crowd laughing} -An ogre and a princess! -Shrek, is this true? -Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!
 -"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before. {Whimpers} {Crown gasping} -Well, uh, that explains a lot. -Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both! -No, no! -Shrek! -This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See? -No, let go of me! Shrek! -No! -Don't just stand there, you morons. -Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! -l'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn
Me irl

Me irl

Were Through: {Man) Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss. {Laughing) Like that's ever gonna happen. (Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes) What a load of Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed She was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb In the shape of an "L" on her forehead The years start comin' and they don't stop comin' Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin' Didn't make sense not to live for fun Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb So much to do so much to see So what's wrong with takin' the backstreets You'll never know if you don't go You'll never shine if you don't glow Hey, now You're an all-star Get your game on, go play Hey, now You're a rock star Get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootin' stars break the mould It's a cool place and they say it gets colder You're bundled up now but wait till you get older But the meteor men beg to differ Judging by the hole in the satellite picture The ice we skate is gettin' pretty thin The water's getting warm so you might as well swim My world's on fire How 'bout yours That's the wayI like it and I'll never get bored Hey, now, you're an all-star (Shouting) Get your game on, go play Hey, now You're a rock star Get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootin' stars break the mould (Belches) Go! Go! (Record Scratching) Go. Go. Go. Hey, now, you're an all-star Get your game on, go play Hey, now You're a rock star Get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootin' stars break the mould -Think it's in there? -All right. Let's get it! -Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you? -Yeah, it'll grind your bones for its bread. {Laughs) -Yes, well, actually, that would be a giant. Now, ogres - They're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin. -No! -They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast. -Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya! (Gasping) -Right. (Roaring) Shouting) {Roaring) {Whispers) This is the part where you run away. {Gasping) (Laughs) {Laughing} And stay right. This one's full. -Take it away! (Gasps} -Move it along. Come on! Get up! -Next! -Give me that! Your flying days are over. That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next! -Get up! Come on! -Twenty pieces. {Thudding) -Sit down there! -Keep quiet! {Crying) -This cage is too small. -Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please! Give me another chance! -Oh, shut up. -Oh! -Next! -What have you got? -This little can prove it. Oh, go ahead, little fella. -Well? -Oh, oh, he's just - He's just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt --That's it. I've heard enough. Guards! -No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw. -Get her out of my sight. -No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk! (Gasps) -Hey! I can fly! -He can fly! -He can fly! -He can talk! -Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'ma flying, talking donkey. You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha! Oh-oh. (Grunts) -Seize him! -After him! He's getting away! {Grunts, Gasps} {Man) -Get him! This way! Turn! -You there. Ogre! -Aye? -By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrest and transport you to a designated.. resettlement facility. -Oh, really? You and what army? (Gasps, Whimpering} {Chuckles) -Can I say something to you? -Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible! Are you talkin' to - me? Whoa! -Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards! They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that. -Oh, that's great. Really. -Man, it's good to be free. -Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm? -But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us. {Roaring) -Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, are you following me? -I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all alone There's no one here beside me My problems have all gone There's no one to deride me But you gotta have friends -Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends. -Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest. -Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I? -Uh - Really tall? -No! I'm an ogre! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you? -Nope. -Really? -Really, really. -Oh. -Man, I like you. What's you name? -Uh, Shrek. -Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing. Ilike that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that? -That would be my home. -Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. -I guess you don't entertain much, do you? -Ilike my privacy. -You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence. -Can I stay with you? -Uh, what? -Can I stay with you, please? -Of course! -Really? -No. -Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please! -Okay! Okay! But one night only. -Ah! Thank you! -What are you - No! No! -This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles. -Oh! -Where do, uh, I sleep? -Outside! -Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know. {Sniffles} -Here I go. -Good night. (Sighs) l mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside. I'm all alone There's no one here beside me {Bubbling) {Sighs) {Creaking} {Sighs} -I thought I told you to stay outside. -I'm outside. {Clattering) -Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? -It's not home, but it'll do just fine. -What a lovely bed. -Got ya. {Sniffs} I found some cheese. -Ow! Grunts) -Blah! Awful stuff. -Is that you, Gorder? -How did you know? -Enough! What are you doing in my house? (Grunts) -Hey! Snickers) -Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table. -Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken. -Huh? (Gasps) {Male voice) What? -I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying ogre! What do I have to do get a little privacy? -Aah! -Oh, no. No! No! Cackling) -What? Quit it. -Don't push. [Squeaking) {Lows) - What are you doing in my swamp? {Echoing) Swamp! Swamp! Swamp! (Gasping)} -Oh, dear! -Whoa! -All right get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey! -Quickly. Come on! -No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there. -Oh! Sighs) -Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them. -Oh, gosh, no one invited us. -What? -We were forced to come here. -By who? -Lord Farquaad. -He huffed und he puffed und he.... signed an eviction notice. {Sighs) -All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is? {Murmuring) -Oh, I do. I know where he is. -Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all? -Me! Me! -Anyone? -Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me! (Sighs) -Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from! (Cheering) (Twittering) -Oh! You! You're comin' with me. All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it! -On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek. -Hey. Oh, oh! -I can't wait to get on the road again. -What did I say about singing? -Can I whistle? -No. -Can I hum it? -All right hum it. (Humming) (Grunts) {Whimpering) -That's enough. He's ready to talk. (Coughing) {Laughing) {Clears throat} -Run, run, run, as fast as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man! -You know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane? -Well, she's married to the muffin man. -The muffin man? -The muffin man! -She's married to the muffin man. {Door opens) -My lord! We found it. -Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in. {Man grunting} {Gasping) -Oh! -Magic mirror --Don't tell him anything! -No! (Gingerbread man whispers) -Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? -Well, technically you're not a king. -Uh, Thelonius. -You were saying? -What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can eaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella. -Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives rrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina coladas and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! -So, will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three? -Two! Two! -Three! Three! -Two! Two! -Three! -Three? One? (Shudders) Three? -Three! Pick number three, my lord! -Okay, okay, uh, number three! -Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona. If you like pina coladas and getting caught in the rain -Princess Fiona. If you're not into voga -She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - -But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night. -l'll do it. -Yes, but after sunset - -Silence! I will make e's compensating for something? {Laughs) {Groans) -Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek. -Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry. -Hey, you! {Screams) -Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just -I just - {Whimpering) {Sighs) {Whimpering, Groans) {Turnstile clatters) (Chuckles) {Sighs) -It's quiet. Too quiet. (Creaking) -Where is everybody? -Hey, look at this! {Clattering, whirring, clicking) Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town Here we have some rules Let us lay them down Don't make waves, stay in line nd we'l! get along fine DuLoc is perfect place Please keep off of the grass Shine your shoes, wipe your... face DuLoc is, DuLoc is DuLoc is perfect. place {Camera shutter clicks (Whirring) -Wow! Let's do that again! -No. No. No, no, no! No. Trumpet fanfare} (Crowd cheering) -Brave knights. -You are the best and brightest in all the land. -Today one of you shall prove himself - -All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom. -Sorry about that. {Cheering) -That champion shall have the honour -no, no the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place out! "Wanted. Fairy tale creatures." {Sighs) {Man's voice} wooden puppet. -I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. -Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. -Father, please! Don't let them do this! -Help me! -Next! What have you got? -Well, I've got a talking donkey. (Grunts) -Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks! You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time -(Mumbling)} Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day. -Why the others? -Eat me! (Grunts} -I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll - -No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons. -All right then. Who's hiding them? -Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man? -The muffin man? -The muffin man. -Yes are a monster. -l'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where become one. All you have to do is marry a princess. -Go on. (Chuckles) -So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-ir from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White! -And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarde c this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king! Captain assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament. -But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it. -So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle. -Uh-huh. That's the place. -Do you think mayl and so on and so forth. Some of you may die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make. {Cheering) -Let the tournament begin! {Gasps} -Oh! -What is that? (Gasping) -It's hideous! -Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey. -Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the ogre will be named champion! Have it him! -Get him! -Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now. -Go ahead! Get him! -Can't we just settle this over a pint? -Kill the beast! -No? All right then. Come on! I don't give a damn about my reputation You're living in the past It's a new generation -Damn! {Whinnying) A girl can do what she wants to do and that's what I'm gonna do And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me Me, me, me -Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me! And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation Never said I wanted to improve my station -Ah! {Laughs) And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun -Yeah! And I don't have to please no one -The chair! Give him the chair! And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me Me, me, me Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me (Bell dings) {Cheering) {Laughs) -Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal!! Ha, ha! (Shrek laughs) {Crowd gasping, murmuring) -Shall I give the order, sir? -No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion! -What? -Congratulations, ogre. You're won the honour of embarking on a great and noble quest. -Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back. -Your swamp? -Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures! {Crowd murmuring) -Indeed. All right, ogre. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back. -Exactly the way it was? -Down to the last slime-covered toadstool. -And the squatters? -As good as gone. -What kind of quest? -Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you? -Uh, no, not really, no. -For your information, there's a lot more to ogres than people think. -Example? -Example? Okay, um, ogres are like onions. -Sniffs) They stink? -Yes - No! -They make you cry. -No! -You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs. -No! Layers! Onions have layers. 0gres have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. {Sighs} -Oh, you both have layers. Oh. Sniffs) You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves on the whole damn planet. -You know, I thinkI preferred your humming. Do you have a tissue or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering. I'm on my way from misery to happiness today Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh I'm on my way from misery to happiness today Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh And everything that you receive up yonder Is what you give to me the day I wander I'm on my way I'm on my way I'm on my way -Oh! Shrek! Did you do that? -You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open. Believe me, Donkey if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs) It's brimstone We must be getting close. -Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither. (Rumbling) -Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location. (Laughing) -Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said ogres have layers? -Oh, aye. -Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves. -Wait a second. y. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time. -Really? -Really, really. -Okay, that makes me feel so much better. -Just keep moving. And don't look down. -Okay, don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't look down. {Gasps) -Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! -But you're already halfway. -But I know that half is safe! -Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.-Shrek, no! Wait! -Just, Donkey Let's have a dance then, shall me? -Don't do that! -Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? -Oh, this? -Yes, that! -Yes? Yes, do it. Okay. [Screams) -No, Shrek! No! Stop it! -You said do it! I'm doin' it. -I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh! -That'll do, Donkey. That'll do. -Cool. -So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway? -Inside, waiting for us to rescue her. {Chuckles} -I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrelt. (Water dripping, wind howling): -You afraid? -No. -But Shh. -Oh, good. Me neither. (Gasps) Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that. (Gasps) -Donkey, two things, okay? Shut. up. Now go over there and see you can find any stairs. -Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess. -The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower. -What makes you think she Il be there? -I read it in a book once. -Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'. {Creaking) -l'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. l'd step all over it. -Well, at ieast ve know where the princess is, but where's the - -Dragon! {Screams) (Gasps) (Roars) -Donkey, look out! {Screams) (Whimpering) -Got ya! (Roars (Gasps) (Shouts) -Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! {Screaming {Gasps) -Oh! Aah! Aah! (Gasping) {Crowls) -No. Oh, no, No! {Screams -Oh, what large teeth you have. Crowls) -I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got there. Do i detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Oh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - (Coughs) -l'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek! (Gasps) (Whimpering) -No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! (Groans, Sighs) {Vocalizing) -Oh! Oh! -Wake up! -What? -Are you Princess Fiona? -I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me. -Oh, that's nice. Now let's go! -But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment? -Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time. -Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed. -You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you? -Mm-hmm. {Screams, grunts) -But we have to savour this moment! You could recite an epic poenm for me. A balad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something! -I don't think so. -Can I at least know the name of my champion? -Um, Shrek. -Sir Shrek. (Cleans throat) -pray that you take this avour as a token of my gratitude. -Thanks! (Roaring -You didn't slay the dragon? -It's on my to-do list. Now come on! (Screams) But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did. -Yeah, right before they burst into flame. -That's not the point. Oh! -Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there. -Well, I have to save my ass. -What kind of knight are you? -One of a kind. -Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long period of time. Just call me old-fashioned. {Laughs) -I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - - Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot, but just love icceiving cards - l'd really love to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission - What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh! {Growls {Roaring) (Gasps) -Hi, Princess! -It talks! -Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick. {Screams) {Screaming) -Oh! (Thuds) {Groans) {Roars} {Roaring) -Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon. Echoing) -Run! {Gasping) {Screaming {Roaring) (Screams) {Roars} {Panting, sighs} {Whimpers) {Roars)-You did it! -You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - You're wonderful. You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. {Clears throat) -And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed? - hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed. -The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight. -Uh, no. -Why not? - have helmet hair. -Please. I wouldn't look upon the face of my rescuer. -No, no, you wouldn't - - 'nt. -But how will you kiss me? -What? That wasn't in the job description. -Maybe it's a perk. -No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's fi kiss. -Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love? -Well, yes. {Laughing) -You think Shrek is your true love! -What is so funny? -Let's just say I'm not your type, okay? -Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now Now remove your helmet. -Look. I really to. -Take it off. -No! -Now! -Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness. -You- - You're a- - an ogre. -Oh, you were exp cting Prince Charming. -Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an ogre. (Sighs) -Princess, I was sent to sue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you. -Then why didn't he come rescue me? -Good question. You should ask him that when we get there. But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some ogre and his- his pet. -So much for noble steed. -You're not making my job any easier. -I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here. -Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all rightC. ma delivery boy. -You wouldn't dare. Put me down! -Ya comin', Donkey? -l'm right behind ya. -Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put Hey (Sighs)-The sooner we get to DuLoc the better. -You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful! -And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like? -Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply. (Laughs) -l don't know. There are those who think little of him. -Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure upto a great ruler like Lord Farquaad. -Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'Ill let you do the "measuring whn you see him tomorrow. -Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp? -No, that'll take longer. We can keep going. -But there's robbers in the woods. -Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good. -Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest. -I need to find somewhere to camp now! {Birds wings fluttering) Grunting) -Hey! Over hem. -Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess. -No, no, it's perfect. It just neeu a fe. homey touches. -Homey touches? Like what? (Crashing) -A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night. -You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will. -I said good night! Shrek, what are you doing? {Laughs) -I just- You know Oh, come on. I was just kidding. {Fire cracking} -And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only ogre to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah. -Hay, can you tell my future from these stars? -The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, the re's bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for. -I know you're making this up. -No, look. There he is, and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench. There just ne ad my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall around my land. -You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out. -No, do ya think? -Are you hidin' something? -Never mind, Donkey. -Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it? -No, this is oie ofticse drop-it and leave-it alone things. -Why don't you want to talk about it? -Why do you want to talk about it Why are you locking? -l'm not blocking. -Oh, yes, you are. -Donkey, I'm warning you. -Who you trying to keep out? -Everyone! Okay? -Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere. -Oh! For the jo. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly ogre!" They judge me before they even know me. That's w y 'm betteroff ale ne. -You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly ogre.-Yeah, I know. -So, uh, are there any donkeys up there? -Well, there's, um, Gabby, the princess. -Hmph. -Ah. Perfect. (Inhales) (Snoring) {Vocalizing) {Whistling) {Sizzling) {Sniffs, yawi s -Mrmm, yeah, you know I like it like that. -Come on, baby. I saidI like it. -Donkey, wake up. -Huh? What? -Wake up. -What? -Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs? -Good morning, Princess! -What's all this about? -You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me. -Uh, thanks. [Sniffs) -Well, enup We've got bi, day ahead of us. (Belches) -Shrek! -What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {La hs) , it's no way to behave in front of a princess. {Belches) -Thanks. -She's as nasty as you are. -{Laughs) You know, you're not exactly what I expected. -Well, maybe you shouldn't judge ok, pal, I don'a inuw who you think you are! -Oh! Of course! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduce myself. Oh, Merry Men. {Laughs) {Accordion) Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo. I steal from the rich and give to the needy. He takes a wee percentage, But l'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damsels Man, I'm good What a guy, Monsieur Hood Break it down ! like an honest fight and a saucyitle raid What he's basically saying is he likes to get - Paid So When an ogre in the bush grabs a lady by the tush That's had hat's bad When a beauty's with a beast it makes me awfully mad He's mad He's really, really mad I'll take my blade and ram it through your heart Keep your eyes on me, boys 'cause I'm ha wa aazing! Where id you learn that? -Well -(Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a - There's an arrow in your butt! -What? Oh, would you look at that? Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry. -Why? What's wrong? -Shrek's hurt. -Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die. -Donkey, I'm okay. -You can't do this to me, Sekdiatoo young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich? ay! Ca im down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns. -Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light! -(Both) Donkey! -Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns. -What are the flowers for? -For getting rid of Donkey. -Ah. -Now you hold still, nd I'll yank this thing out. -Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin. -l'm sorry, but it has to come out. -No, it's tender. -Now, hold on htyou're do ng the opposite of help. -Don't move. -Look, time out. -Would you - -(Grunts) -Okay. What do you propose we do? -Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue ? -Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- Ugh! -Ow! -Hey, what's that? (Nervous chuckle) -That's Is that blood? (Sighs} {Bird a-la, la-la-la-la (Both laughing) La-la, la-la, la-la -There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you. -That's Duloc? -Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something, which I think means he has a really - Ow! -Um, I, uh- I guess we better move on. -Sure. But, Shrek? I'm -I'm worried about Donkey. (Blubbering) -What? -I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine. -That's what they always say, and then next hin you owm on your back. Dead. -You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down? -Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea. -I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, (Bones crunch) -Ow! See? -Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner. -l'll get the firewood. -Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug. -Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this? -Uh, weedrat. Rotser styl -No k 'aing. Well, this is delicious. -Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weedrat stew. (Chuckling) {Sighs) -I guess I'll be dining a wasonderi g. Just remember, darling all the while -Are you- - You belong to me (Sighs) -Are you gonna eat that? (Chuckles) -Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset. night. (Door creaks) -Oh! NowI really see what's goin' on here. -Oh, what are you talkin' about? -l don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. sha's a princess, and I'm --An ogre? -Yeah. An ogre. -Hey, where you goin'? -To get... move firewood. Sighs) -Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you? Wings ey! isen keep breathing! I'll get you out of there! -No! -Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! -Shh. -Shrek! -This is me. {Muffled mumbling) -Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, vay another. This shall be the norm...until you find true love's first kiss.. and then take love's true form." -Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry. -It's a night. Shrek's ugly 24-7. -But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not rd thought of you because it's pretty and - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd -uh, uh -(Sighs)- -Dityou see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell. -You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth. -No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know. -What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets? -Promise you won't tell. Promise! -All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy. -Look at my eye twitchin'. {Door opens) {Snoring) -I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. -Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - (Snoring) -Shrek. Are you all right? -Perfect! Never been better. -I -I don't -There's something I have to tell you. -You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night. -You heard what I said? -Every word. -I thought you'd understand. -Oh, I understand. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast? -ButI thought that wouldn't matter to you. -Yeah? Well, it does. (Gasps, sighs) -Ah, right on time. (Horse whinnies) -Princess, I've brought you a little something. {Fanfare} {Yawns) -What'd I miss? What'd I miss? (Muffled) -Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey. -Princess Fiona. -As agreed. -Take it and go before I change my mind. -Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you stardled me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad. -Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no. {Snaps fingers) -Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell. -Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the ogre. It's not like it has feelings. -No, you're right. It doesn't.- which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place. -Is that about right? -Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk. -I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole ogre trip. -Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a cakes! Cakes have layers. -I don't care... what everyone likes. Ogres are not like cakes. -You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious. -No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later. -Parfaits may be the most delicious thing Donkeys don't have sleeves. -You know what I mean. -You can't tell me you're afraid of heights. -I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava! -Come on, Do don't think this is a good idea. -Just take off the helmet. -I'm not going me down! -Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten? -You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knows what happens when you find y anyway?-Ou s vam p? You know, when we're through rescuing the princess. -We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots. -You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it. (Sighs) -Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp love of Pete! -What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway? -Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me an the Small and Annoying. -Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there? -That's the moon. -Oh, okay. (Orchestra} {Dulcimer -Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to m Sh w people before you get to know them. [Vocalizing) -La liberte! Hey! -Princess! {Laughs} -What are you doing? -Be still, mon cherie, for I am you saviour! And I am rescuing you from this green Kissingounds} -huast. -Hey! -That's my princess! Go find you own! -Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here dth phone. (Grunts) Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from? -What? -That! Back there about to start (Grunts, Groans) {Karate Yell) {Merry Men Gasping) (Panting -Man, that was annoying! -Oh, you little- (Karate Ye!l) {Accordion) (Shouting, groaning} {Chuckles} -Uh, shall we - flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't colour-blind! Blue flower, red thorns. -Ow! -Hold on, Shrek!! I'm comin'! -Ow! Not good. -Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head. (Grunts) -lt's just about --Ow! Oh! -Ahem. -Nothing happened. We were just, uh - - -Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you ac chirping) (Grunts) My beloved monster and me We go everywhere together Wearin' a raincoat that has four sleeves Gets us through all kinds of weather -Aah! She will always be the only thing That comes between me and the awful sting That comes from living in a world that's so damn mean (Croaks) Oh, ch hh-o. was ask O Hey! La-l little differently tomorrow night. (Gulps) -Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fisheye tartare -you name it. (Chuckles) -'d like that. {Slurps, laughs) See the pyramids along the Nile -Um, Princess? Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle -Yes hre Sunset? -Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late. -What? -Waita minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you? -Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside. -Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark. {Sh.ekdighs) Go d igh And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it. -You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad. -Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel. -- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know - - and I'm not sayin de fluttering) -Princess? (Creaking {Gasps) -It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games. {Screams) -Aah! -Oh, no! -No, help! -Shh! -Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! -No, it's okay. It's okay. -What did you do with the princess? -Donkey, I'm the princess. -Aah! -It's me, in this body. -Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you h a uh, different. -I'm ugly, okay? -Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now --No. -I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember. -What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before. -It's only happens when sun goes do spell. {Sighs) -When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell how a princess is meant to look. -Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad? -I have to. Only my true love's kiss can break the spell. -But, you know, um, you're kind of an ogre, and Shrek -well, you got a lot in common. -Shrek? -Princess, I Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'mkavs tifow I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go. -l can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek. (Gasps) -My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my ISE a- "By o that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why i have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this. {Sobs) -All right, all right Calm it's Dec promised. Now hand it over. -Very well, ogre. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawless Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage. {Gasps) -Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom? -Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - -Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed! -No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets. -Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! There's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests! -Fare-thee-well, ogre. -Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away. -Yeah? So what? -Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, She's- know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home? -Shrek, II wanna go with you. -I told you, didn't 1? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys! -But I thought - - -Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong!-Shrek. I heard there was a secret chord That David played and it pleased the Lord But you don't really care for music, do ya It goes like this the fourth, the fifth The minor fall the major lift The baffled king composing hallelujah Hallelujah, hallelujah Baby, I've been here before I know this room I've walked this floor I used to live alone before I knew you I've seen your flag on the marble arch But love is not a victory march It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah Hallelujah, hallelujah And all ever learned from love Is how to shoot at someone Who outdrew you {Moaning) And it's not a cry you can hear at night It's not somebody who's seen the light It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah (Moaning) Hallelujah, halelujah (Thumping sound) -Donkey? {Grunts) -What are you doing? -I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one. -Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it. -It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half. -Oh! Your half. Hmm. -Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head. -Back off! -No, you back off. -This is my swamp! -Our swamp. -Let go, Donkey! -You let go. -Stubborn jackass! -Smelly ogre. -Fine! -Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet. -Well, I'm through with you. -Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away. -Oh, yeah? Well, if i treated you so bad, how come you came back? -Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other! -Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in the back! -Oh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings. -Go away! There you are ,doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you. -Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. -She wasn't talkin' about you. She was kint about, uh, somebody else. -She wasn't tallking about me? Well, then who was she talking about? -Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right?-Donkey! -No! -Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right? {Sighs) -l'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly ogre. Can you forgive me? -Hey, that's what friends are for, right? -Right. Friends? -Friends. -So, um, what did Fiona say about me? -What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her? -The wedding! We'l! neve:r make it in time. -Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I have a way. (Whistles) -Donkey? -I guess it's just my animal magnetism. {Laughing) -Aw, come here, you. -All right, all right. Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet. -Whoo! (Bells tolling) {All gasping) -People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witness to the union...-Um -of our new king --Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"? {Chuckling) -Go on. -Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, 'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you? -What are you talking about? -There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!" -I don't have time for this! -Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Lock, you love this wonman, don't you? -Yes. -You wanna hold her? -Yes. -Piease her? -Yes! -Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that romantic crap! -All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line? -We gotta check it out. -And so, by the power vested in me, -What do you see? -The whole town's in there. -I now pronounce you husband and wife, -They're at the altar. -king and queen. -Mother Fletcher! He already said it. -Oh, for the love of Pete! (Grunts) -I object! -Shrek? (Gaspst -Oh, now what does he want? -Hi, everyone. Havin a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all. Very clean. -What are you doing here? -Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wanis you, but shoving up uninvited to a wedding -Fiona! I need to talk to you. -Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me But you can't marry him. -And why not? -Because- Because he's just marring you so he can be king. -Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him. -He's not your true love. -And what do you know about true love?-Weil, IUh -I mean - -Oh, this is precious. The ogre has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord. (Crowd laughing) -An ogre and a princess! -Shrek, is this true? -Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm! "By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before. {Whimpers) {Crown gasping) -Well, uh, that explains a lot. -Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both! -No, no! -Shrek! -This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that malkes me king! See? See? -No, let go of me! Shrek! -No! -Don't just stand there, you morons. -Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! -l'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn The entire Shrek movie script made into a 4K wallpaper
Were Through: {Man) Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss. {Laughing) Like that's ever gonna happen. (Paper Rusting, Toilet
 Flushes) What a load of Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed She was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb In the shape of an "L" on her forehead The years start comin' and they don't stop comin' Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin' Didn't make sense not to live for fun Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb So much to do so much to see So what's wrong with takin' the backstreets You'll never know if you don't go
 You'll never shine if you don't glow Hey, now You're an all-star Get your game on, go play Hey, now You're a rock star Get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootin' stars break the mould It's a cool place and they say it gets colder You're bundled up now but wait till you get older But the meteor men beg to differ Judging by the hole in the satellite picture The ice we skate is gettin' pretty thin The water's getting warm so you might as well swim My world's on fire How 'bout yours
 That's the wayI like it and I'll never get bored Hey, now, you're an all-star (Shouting) Get your game on, go play Hey, now You're a rock star Get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootin' stars break the mould (Belches) Go! Go! (Record Scratching) Go. Go. Go. Hey, now, you're an all-star Get your game on, go play Hey, now You're a rock star Get the show on, get paid And all that glitters is gold Only shootin' stars break the mould -Think it's in there? -All right. Let's get it! -Whoa.
 Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you? -Yeah, it'll grind your bones for its bread. {Laughs) -Yes, well, actually, that would be a giant. Now, ogres - They're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin. -No! -They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast. -Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya! (Gasping) -Right. (Roaring) Shouting) {Roaring) {Whispers) This is the part where you run away. {Gasping) (Laughs) {Laughing} And stay
 right. This one's full. -Take it away! (Gasps} -Move it along. Come on! Get up! -Next! -Give me that! Your flying days are over. That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next! -Get up! Come on! -Twenty pieces. {Thudding) -Sit down there! -Keep quiet! {Crying) -This cage is too small. -Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please! Give me another chance! -Oh, shut up. -Oh! -Next! -What have you got? -This little
 can prove it. Oh, go ahead, little fella. -Well? -Oh, oh, he's just - He's just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt --That's it. I've heard enough. Guards! -No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to
 talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw. -Get her out of my sight. -No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk! (Gasps) -Hey! I can fly! -He can fly! -He can fly! -He can talk! -Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'ma flying, talking donkey. You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha! Oh-oh. (Grunts) -Seize him! -After him! He's getting away! {Grunts, Gasps} {Man) -Get him! This way! Turn! -You there. Ogre! -Aye? -By the order of Lord Farquaad I am
 authorized to place you both under arrest and transport you to a designated.. resettlement facility. -Oh, really? You and what army? (Gasps, Whimpering} {Chuckles) -Can I say something to you? -Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible! Are you talkin' to - me? Whoa! -Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards! They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in
 the woods. That really made me feel good to see that. -Oh, that's great. Really. -Man, it's good to be free. -Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm? -But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us. {Roaring) -Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work,
 are you following me? -I'll tell you why. 'Cause I'm all alone There's no one here beside me My problems have all gone There's no one to deride me But you gotta have friends -Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't
 have any friends. -Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest. -Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I? -Uh - Really tall? -No! I'm an ogre! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you? -Nope. -Really? -Really, really. -Oh. -Man, I like you. What's you name? -Uh, Shrek. -Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing. Ilike that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that.
 Who'd want to live in place like that? -That would be my home. -Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. -I guess you don't entertain much, do you? -Ilike my privacy. -You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence. -Can
 I stay with you? -Uh, what? -Can I stay with you, please? -Of course! -Really? -No. -Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please! -Okay! Okay! But one night only. -Ah! Thank you! -What are you - No! No! -This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles. -Oh! -Where do, uh, I sleep? -Outside! -Oh, well. I
 guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know. {Sniffles} -Here I go. -Good night. (Sighs) l mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside. I'm all alone There's no one here beside me {Bubbling) {Sighs) {Creaking} {Sighs} -I thought I told you to stay outside. -I'm outside. {Clattering) -Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? -It's
 not home, but it'll do just fine. -What a lovely bed. -Got ya. {Sniffs} I found some cheese. -Ow! Grunts) -Blah! Awful stuff. -Is that you, Gorder? -How did you know? -Enough! What are you doing in my house? (Grunts) -Hey! Snickers) -Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table. -Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken. -Huh? (Gasps) {Male voice) What? -I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying ogre! What do I have to do get a little privacy? -Aah! -Oh, no. No! No! Cackling) -What?
 Quit it. -Don't push. [Squeaking) {Lows) - What are you doing in my swamp? {Echoing) Swamp! Swamp! Swamp! (Gasping)} -Oh, dear! -Whoa! -All right get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey! -Quickly. Come on! -No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there. -Oh! Sighs) -Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them. -Oh, gosh, no one invited us. -What? -We were forced to come here. -By who? -Lord Farquaad. -He huffed und he puffed und he.... signed an eviction notice.
 {Sighs) -All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is? {Murmuring) -Oh, I do. I know where he is. -Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all? -Me! Me! -Anyone? -Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me! (Sighs) -Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from! (Cheering) (Twittering) -Oh! You! You're comin' with
 me. All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it! -On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek. -Hey. Oh, oh! -I can't wait to get on the road again. -What did I say about singing? -Can I whistle? -No. -Can I hum it? -All right hum it. (Humming) (Grunts) {Whimpering) -That's enough. He's ready to talk. (Coughing) {Laughing) {Clears throat} -Run, run, run, as fast as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man! -You
 know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane? -Well,
 she's married to the muffin man. -The muffin man? -The muffin man! -She's married to the muffin man. {Door opens) -My lord! We found it. -Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in. {Man grunting} {Gasping) -Oh! -Magic mirror --Don't tell him anything! -No! (Gingerbread man whispers) -Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? -Well, technically you're not a king. -Uh, Thelonius. -You were saying? -What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can
 eaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella. -Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives
 rrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina coladas and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! -So, will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or
 bachelorette number three? -Two! Two! -Three! Three! -Two! Two! -Three! -Three? One? (Shudders) Three? -Three! Pick number three, my lord! -Okay, okay, uh, number three! -Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona. If you like pina coladas and getting caught in the rain -Princess Fiona. If you're not into voga -She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - -But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night. -l'll do it. -Yes, but after sunset - -Silence! I will make
 e's compensating for something? {Laughs) {Groans) -Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek. -Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry. -Hey, you! {Screams) -Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just -I just -
 {Whimpering) {Sighs) {Whimpering, Groans) {Turnstile clatters) (Chuckles) {Sighs) -It's quiet. Too quiet. (Creaking) -Where is everybody? -Hey, look at this! {Clattering, whirring, clicking) Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town Here we have some rules Let us lay them down Don't make waves, stay in line nd we'l! get along fine DuLoc is perfect place Please keep off of the grass Shine your shoes, wipe your... face DuLoc is, DuLoc is DuLoc is perfect. place {Camera shutter clicks (Whirring) -Wow!
 Let's do that again! -No. No. No, no, no! No. Trumpet fanfare} (Crowd cheering) -Brave knights. -You are the best and brightest in all the land. -Today one of you shall prove himself - -All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom. -Sorry about that. {Cheering) -That champion shall have the honour -no, no the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place
 out! "Wanted. Fairy tale creatures." {Sighs) {Man's voice}
 wooden puppet. -I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. -Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. -Father, please! Don't let them do this! -Help me! -Next! What have you got? -Well, I've got a talking donkey. (Grunts) -Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you
 your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks! You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time
 -(Mumbling)} Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day. -Why
 the others? -Eat me! (Grunts} -I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll - -No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons. -All right then. Who's hiding them? -Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man? -The muffin man? -The muffin man. -Yes
 are a monster. -l'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where
 become one. All you have to do is marry a princess. -Go on. (Chuckles) -So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-ir from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking
 with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White! -And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarde c
 this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king! Captain assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament. -But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it. -So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle. -Uh-huh. That's the place. -Do you think mayl
 and so on and so forth. Some of you may die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make. {Cheering) -Let the tournament begin! {Gasps} -Oh! -What is that? (Gasping) -It's hideous! -Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey. -Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the ogre will be named champion! Have it him! -Get him! -Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now. -Go ahead! Get him! -Can't we just settle this over a pint? -Kill the beast! -No? All right then. Come on! I don't give a damn about my
 reputation You're living in the past It's a new generation -Damn! {Whinnying) A girl can do what she wants to do and that's what I'm gonna do And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me Me, me, me -Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me! And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation Never said I wanted to improve my station -Ah! {Laughs) And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun -Yeah! And I don't have to please no one -The chair! Give him the chair! And I
 don't give a damn about my bad reputation Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me Me, me, me Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me (Bell dings) {Cheering) {Laughs) -Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal!! Ha, ha! (Shrek laughs) {Crowd gasping, murmuring) -Shall I give the order, sir? -No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion! -What? -Congratulations, ogre. You're won the honour of embarking on a great and noble quest. -Quest? I'm
 already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back. -Your swamp? -Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures! {Crowd murmuring) -Indeed. All right, ogre. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back. -Exactly the way it was? -Down to the last slime-covered toadstool. -And the squatters? -As good as gone. -What kind of quest? -Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp
 pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to
 you? -Uh, no, not really, no. -For your information, there's a lot more to ogres than people think. -Example? -Example? Okay, um, ogres are like onions. -Sniffs) They stink? -Yes - No! -They make you cry. -No! -You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs. -No! Layers! Onions have layers. 0gres have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. {Sighs} -Oh, you both have layers. Oh. Sniffs) You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves
 on the whole damn planet. -You know, I thinkI preferred your humming. Do you have a tissue
 or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering. I'm on my way from misery to happiness today Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh I'm on my way from misery to happiness today Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh And everything that you receive up yonder Is what you give to me the day I wander I'm on my way I'm on my way I'm on my way -Oh! Shrek! Did you do that? -You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open. Believe me, Donkey
 if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs) It's brimstone We must be getting close. -Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither. (Rumbling) -Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location. (Laughing) -Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said ogres have layers? -Oh, aye. -Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves. -Wait a second.
 y. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time. -Really? -Really, really. -Okay, that makes me feel so much better. -Just keep moving. And don't look down. -Okay, don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down. Keep on
 moving. Don't look down. {Gasps) -Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! -But you're already halfway. -But I know that half is safe! -Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.-Shrek, no! Wait! -Just, Donkey Let's have a dance then, shall me? -Don't do that! -Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? -Oh, this? -Yes, that! -Yes? Yes, do it. Okay. [Screams) -No, Shrek! No! Stop it! -You said do it! I'm doin' it. -I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh! -That'll do,
 Donkey. That'll do. -Cool. -So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway? -Inside, waiting for us to rescue her. {Chuckles} -I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrelt. (Water dripping, wind howling): -You afraid? -No. -But Shh. -Oh, good. Me neither. (Gasps) Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean
 you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that. (Gasps) -Donkey, two things, okay? Shut. up. Now go over there and see you can find any stairs. -Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess. -The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower. -What makes you think she Il be there? -I read it in a book once. -Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way
 they're goin'. {Creaking) -l'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. l'd step all over it. -Well, at ieast ve know where the princess is, but where's the - -Dragon! {Screams) (Gasps) (Roars) -Donkey, look out! {Screams) (Whimpering) -Got ya! (Roars (Gasps) (Shouts) -Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! {Screaming {Gasps) -Oh! Aah! Aah! (Gasping) {Crowls) -No. Oh, no, No! {Screams -Oh, what large teeth you have.
 Crowls) -I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got there. Do i detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Oh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - (Coughs) -l'm an asthmatic,
 and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek! (Gasps) (Whimpering) -No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! (Groans, Sighs) {Vocalizing) -Oh! Oh! -Wake up! -What? -Are you Princess Fiona? -I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me. -Oh, that's nice. Now let's go! -But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment? -Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time. -Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window
 and down a rope onto your valiant steed. -You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you? -Mm-hmm. {Screams, grunts) -But we have to savour this moment! You could recite an epic poenm for me. A balad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something! -I don't think so. -Can I at least know the name of my champion? -Um, Shrek. -Sir Shrek. (Cleans throat) -pray that you take this avour as a token of my gratitude. -Thanks! (Roaring -You didn't slay the dragon? -It's on my to-do list. Now come on! (Screams)
 But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did. -Yeah, right before they burst into flame. -That's not the point. Oh! -Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there. -Well, I have to save my ass. -What kind of knight are you? -One of a kind. -Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long period of time. Just call me old-fashioned. {Laughs) -I don't want to rush into a physical
 relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - - Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot, but just love icceiving cards - l'd really love to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't
 give permission - What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh! {Growls {Roaring) (Gasps) -Hi, Princess! -It talks! -Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick. {Screams) {Screaming) -Oh! (Thuds) {Groans) {Roars} {Roaring) -Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon. Echoing) -Run! {Gasping) {Screaming {Roaring) (Screams) {Roars} {Panting, sighs} {Whimpers) {Roars)-You did it! -You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - You're
 wonderful. You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. {Clears throat) -And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed? - hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed. -The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight. -Uh, no. -Why not? - have helmet hair. -Please. I wouldn't look upon the face of my rescuer. -No, no, you wouldn't - - 'nt. -But how will you kiss me? -What? That
 wasn't in the job description. -Maybe it's a perk. -No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's fi kiss. -Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love? -Well, yes. {Laughing) -You think Shrek is your true love! -What is so funny? -Let's just say I'm not your type, okay? -Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now Now remove your helmet. -Look. I really
 to. -Take it off. -No! -Now! -Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness. -You- - You're a- - an ogre. -Oh, you were exp cting Prince Charming. -Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an ogre. (Sighs) -Princess, I was sent to sue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you. -Then why didn't he come rescue me? -Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.
 But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some ogre and his- his pet. -So much for noble steed. -You're not making my job any easier. -I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here. -Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all rightC. ma delivery boy. -You wouldn't dare. Put me down! -Ya comin', Donkey? -l'm right behind ya. -Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put
 Hey (Sighs)-The sooner we get to DuLoc the better. -You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful! -And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like? -Let me
 put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply. (Laughs) -l don't know. There are those who think little of him. -Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure upto a great ruler like Lord Farquaad. -Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'Ill let you do the "measuring whn you see him tomorrow. -Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp? -No, that'll take longer. We can keep going. -But there's robbers in the woods. -Whoa!
 Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good. -Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest. -I need to find somewhere to camp now! {Birds wings fluttering) Grunting) -Hey! Over hem. -Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess. -No, no, it's perfect. It just neeu a fe. homey touches. -Homey touches? Like what? (Crashing) -A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night. -You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will. -I said good night!
 Shrek, what are you doing? {Laughs) -I just- You know Oh, come on. I was just kidding. {Fire cracking} -And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only ogre to ever spit over three wheat fields. Right. Yeah. -Hay, can you tell my future from these stars? -The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, the re's bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for. -I know you're making this up. -No, look. There he is, and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench.
 There just ne ad my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall around my land. -You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I
 think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out. -No, do ya think? -Are you hidin' something? -Never mind, Donkey. -Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it? -No, this is oie ofticse drop-it and leave-it alone things. -Why don't you want to talk about it? -Why do you want to talk about it Why are you locking? -l'm not blocking. -Oh, yes, you are. -Donkey, I'm warning you. -Who you trying to keep out? -Everyone! Okay? -Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere. -Oh! For the
 jo. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly ogre!" They judge me before they even know me. That's w y 'm betteroff ale ne. -You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly ogre.-Yeah, I know. -So, uh, are there any donkeys up there? -Well, there's, um, Gabby,
 the princess. -Hmph. -Ah. Perfect. (Inhales) (Snoring) {Vocalizing) {Whistling) {Sizzling) {Sniffs, yawi s -Mrmm, yeah, you know I like it like that. -Come on, baby. I saidI like it. -Donkey, wake up. -Huh? What? -Wake up. -What? -Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs? -Good
 morning, Princess! -What's all this about? -You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me. -Uh, thanks. [Sniffs) -Well, enup We've got bi, day ahead of us. (Belches) -Shrek! -What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {La hs) , it's no way to behave in front of a princess. {Belches) -Thanks. -She's as nasty as you are. -{Laughs) You know, you're not exactly what I expected. -Well, maybe you shouldn't judge
 ok, pal, I don'a inuw who you think you are! -Oh! Of course! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduce myself. Oh, Merry Men. {Laughs) {Accordion) Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo. I steal from the
 rich and give to the needy. He takes a wee percentage, But l'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damsels Man, I'm good What a guy, Monsieur Hood Break it down ! like an honest fight and a saucyitle raid What he's basically saying is he likes to get - Paid So When an ogre in the bush grabs a lady by the tush That's had hat's bad When a beauty's with a beast it makes me awfully mad He's mad He's really, really mad I'll take my blade and ram it through your heart Keep your eyes on me, boys 'cause I'm
 ha wa aazing! Where id you learn that? -Well -(Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a - There's an arrow in your butt! -What? Oh, would you
 look at that? Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry. -Why? What's wrong? -Shrek's hurt. -Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die. -Donkey, I'm okay. -You can't do this to me, Sekdiatoo young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich? ay! Ca im down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns. -Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. If
 you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light! -(Both) Donkey! -Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns. -What are the flowers for? -For getting rid of Donkey. -Ah. -Now you hold still, nd I'll yank this thing out. -Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin. -l'm sorry, but it has to come out. -No, it's tender. -Now, hold on htyou're do ng the opposite of help. -Don't move. -Look, time out. -Would you - -(Grunts) -Okay. What do you propose we do? -Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue
 ? -Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- Ugh! -Ow! -Hey, what's that? (Nervous chuckle) -That's Is that blood? (Sighs} {Bird
 a-la, la-la-la-la (Both laughing) La-la, la-la, la-la -There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you. -That's Duloc? -Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's
 compensating for something, which I think means he has a really - Ow! -Um, I, uh- I guess we better move on. -Sure. But, Shrek? I'm -I'm worried about Donkey. (Blubbering) -What? -I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good. -What are you talking about? I'm fine. -That's what they always say, and then next hin you owm on your back. Dead. -You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down? -Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea. -I didn't want to say nothin', but I got
 this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, (Bones crunch) -Ow! See? -Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner. -l'll get the firewood. -Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug. -Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this? -Uh, weedrat. Rotser styl -No k 'aing. Well, this is delicious. -Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weedrat stew. (Chuckling) {Sighs) -I guess I'll be dining a
 wasonderi g. Just remember, darling all the while -Are you- - You belong to me (Sighs) -Are you gonna eat that? (Chuckles) -Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.
 night. (Door creaks) -Oh! NowI really see what's goin' on here. -Oh, what are you talkin' about? -l don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts.
 sha's a princess, and I'm --An ogre? -Yeah. An ogre. -Hey, where you goin'? -To get... move firewood. Sighs) -Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you? Wings
 ey! isen keep breathing! I'll get you out of there! -No! -Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! -Shh. -Shrek! -This is me. {Muffled mumbling) -Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh,
 vay another. This shall be the norm...until you find true love's first kiss.. and then take love's true form." -Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry. -It's a
 night. Shrek's ugly 24-7. -But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not
 rd thought of you because it's pretty and - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd -uh, uh -(Sighs)-
 -Dityou see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell. -You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth. -No! You can't breathe a word. No one must
 ever know. -What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets? -Promise you won't tell. Promise! -All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy. -Look at my eye twitchin'. {Door opens) {Snoring) -I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. -Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - (Snoring) -Shrek. Are you all right? -Perfect! Never been better. -I -I don't -There's something I have to tell
 you. -You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night. -You heard what I said? -Every word. -I thought you'd understand. -Oh, I understand. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast? -ButI thought that wouldn't matter to you. -Yeah? Well, it does. (Gasps, sighs) -Ah, right on time. (Horse whinnies) -Princess, I've brought you a little something. {Fanfare} {Yawns) -What'd I miss? What'd I miss? (Muffled) -Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey. -Princess Fiona. -As
 agreed. -Take it and go before I change my mind. -Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you stardled me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad. -Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no. {Snaps fingers) -Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell. -Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the ogre. It's not like it has feelings. -No, you're right. It doesn't.-
 which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place. -Is that about right? -Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk. -I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole ogre trip. -Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a
 cakes! Cakes have layers. -I don't care... what everyone likes. Ogres are not like cakes. -You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious. -No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later. -Parfaits may be the most delicious thing
 Donkeys don't have sleeves. -You know what I mean. -You can't tell me you're afraid of heights. -I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava! -Come on, Do
 don't think this is a good idea. -Just take off the helmet. -I'm not going
 me down! -Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten? -You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knows what happens when you find y
 anyway?-Ou s vam p? You know, when we're through rescuing the princess. -We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no
 That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots. -You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it. (Sighs) -Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp
 love of Pete! -What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway? -Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me an
 the Small and Annoying. -Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there? -That's the moon. -Oh, okay. (Orchestra} {Dulcimer -Again, show me
 again. Mirror, mirror, show her to m
 Sh w
 people before you get to know them. [Vocalizing) -La liberte! Hey! -Princess! {Laughs} -What are you doing? -Be still, mon cherie, for I am you saviour! And I am rescuing you from this green
 Kissingounds} -huast. -Hey! -That's my princess! Go find you own! -Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here
 dth phone. (Grunts) Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from? -What? -That! Back there
 about to start (Grunts, Groans) {Karate Yell) {Merry Men Gasping) (Panting -Man, that was annoying! -Oh, you little- (Karate Ye!l) {Accordion) (Shouting, groaning} {Chuckles} -Uh, shall we
 -
 flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't colour-blind! Blue flower, red thorns. -Ow! -Hold on, Shrek!! I'm comin'! -Ow! Not good. -Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head. (Grunts) -lt's just about --Ow! Oh! -Ahem. -Nothing happened. We were just, uh - - -Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you ac
 chirping) (Grunts) My beloved monster and me We go everywhere together Wearin' a raincoat that has four sleeves Gets us through all kinds of weather -Aah! She will always be the only thing That comes between me and the awful sting That comes from living in a world that's so damn mean (Croaks) Oh, ch hh-o.
 was ask O
 Hey! La-l
 little differently tomorrow night. (Gulps) -Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fisheye tartare -you name it. (Chuckles) -'d like that. {Slurps, laughs) See the pyramids along the Nile -Um, Princess? Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle -Yes hre
 Sunset? -Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late. -What? -Waita minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you? -Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside. -Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark. {Sh.ekdighs) Go d igh
 And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it. -You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad. -Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel. -- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know - - and I'm not sayin de
 fluttering) -Princess? (Creaking {Gasps) -It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games. {Screams) -Aah! -Oh, no! -No, help! -Shh! -Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! -No, it's okay. It's okay. -What did you do with the princess? -Donkey, I'm the princess. -Aah! -It's me, in this body. -Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you h a
 uh, different. -I'm ugly, okay? -Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now --No. -I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember. -What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before. -It's only happens when sun goes do
 spell. {Sighs) -When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell
 how a princess is meant to look. -Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad? -I have to. Only my true love's kiss can break the spell. -But, you know, um, you're kind of an ogre, and Shrek -well, you got a lot in common. -Shrek? -Princess, I Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'mkavs tifow
 I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go. -l can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek. (Gasps) -My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my
 ISE
 a-
 "By
 o that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at
 on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why i have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this. {Sobs) -All right, all right Calm
 it's
 Dec
 promised. Now hand it over. -Very well, ogre. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as
 Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawless Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage. {Gasps) -Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom? -Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - -Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed! -No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets. -Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! There's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests! -Fare-thee-well, ogre. -Shrek,
 what are you doing? You're letting her get away. -Yeah? So what? -Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, She's- know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home? -Shrek, II wanna go with you. -I told you, didn't 1? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!
 -But I thought - - -Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong!-Shrek. I heard there was a secret chord That David played and it pleased the Lord But you don't really care for music, do ya It goes like this the fourth, the fifth The minor fall the major lift The baffled king composing hallelujah Hallelujah, hallelujah Baby, I've been here before I know this room I've walked this floor I used to live alone before I knew you I've seen your flag on the marble arch But love is not a victory march It's a cold and it's
 a broken hallelujah Hallelujah, hallelujah And all ever learned from love Is how to shoot at someone Who outdrew you {Moaning) And it's not a cry you can hear at night It's not somebody who's seen the light It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah (Moaning) Hallelujah, halelujah (Thumping sound) -Donkey? {Grunts) -What are you doing? -I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one. -Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it. -It is
 around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half. -Oh! Your half. Hmm. -Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head. -Back off! -No, you back off. -This is my swamp! -Our swamp. -Let go, Donkey! -You let go. -Stubborn jackass! -Smelly ogre. -Fine! -Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet. -Well, I'm through with you. -Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well,
 guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away. -Oh, yeah? Well, if i treated you so bad, how come you came back? -Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other! -Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in the back! -Oh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings. -Go away!
 There you are ,doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you. -Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. -She wasn't talkin' about you. She was kint about, uh, somebody else. -She wasn't tallking about me? Well, then who was she talking about? -Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right?-Donkey! -No! -Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right? {Sighs) -l'm sorry. I guess I am just a big,
 stupid, ugly ogre. Can you forgive me? -Hey, that's what friends are for, right? -Right. Friends? -Friends. -So, um, what did Fiona say about me? -What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her? -The wedding! We'l! neve:r make it in time. -Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I have a way. (Whistles) -Donkey? -I guess it's just my animal magnetism. {Laughing) -Aw, come here, you. -All right, all right. Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on
 and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet. -Whoo! (Bells tolling) {All gasping) -People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witness to the union...-Um -of our new king --Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"? {Chuckling) -Go on. -Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, 'll whistle. How about that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you? -What are you talking about? -There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna
 say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!" -I don't have time for this! -Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Lock, you love this wonman, don't you? -Yes. -You wanna hold her? -Yes. -Piease her? -Yes! -Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that romantic crap! -All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line? -We gotta check it out. -And so, by the power vested in me, -What do you see? -The whole town's in there. -I now pronounce
 you husband and wife, -They're at the altar. -king and queen. -Mother Fletcher! He already said it. -Oh, for the love of Pete! (Grunts) -I object! -Shrek? (Gaspst -Oh, now what does he want? -Hi, everyone. Havin a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all. Very clean. -What are you doing here? -Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wanis you, but shoving up uninvited to a wedding -Fiona! I need to talk to you. -Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me
 But you can't marry him. -And why not? -Because- Because he's just marring you so he can be king. -Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him. -He's not your true love. -And what do you know about true love?-Weil, IUh -I mean - -Oh, this is precious. The ogre has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord. (Crowd laughing) -An ogre and a princess! -Shrek, is this true? -Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!
 "By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before. {Whimpers) {Crown gasping) -Well, uh, that explains a lot. -Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both! -No, no! -Shrek! -This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that malkes me king! See? See? -No, let go of me! Shrek! -No! -Don't just stand there, you morons. -Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! -l'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn
The entire Shrek movie script made into a 4K wallpaper

The entire Shrek movie script made into a 4K wallpaper

Were Through: Panda steps Footsteps < 40 Found a brown panda while playing with my friend. Needless to say our excitement levels were through the roof
Were Through: Panda steps
 Footsteps
 <
 40
Found a brown panda while playing with my friend. Needless to say our excitement levels were through the roof

Found a brown panda while playing with my friend. Needless to say our excitement levels were through the roof

Were Through: Monday, July 1, 2019 Greetings, dear ones, Welcome, Jesse and Steven and Brad, to "News from Nanny", as I try to resurrect my attempt at correspondence to all of you. I know I've been very lax lately in writing, but June was a month to forget as far as we were concerned. I think we're through with hospital visits for a while, but we still have a list of doctor appts. On the calendar. However, Grandpa is feeling much better and is even in Galena TT two days playing golf with 20 guys that go together once every year for an outing WE had a horrendous thunderstorm last night that completely soaked out entire porch and even sent the tarp on the west side flying up on the roof. Being here alone since GP is in Galena I tried to tie up the canvas to no avail so it even poked a hole in the screen which will not make GP very happy. It looks like you had some bad storms, too, Anna and Josh, according to the radar on the tv. Thank goodness we have a generator as our power went out for a while but that didn't last too long. We no longer have to keep a stash of candles for such an emergency since we have the generator, and it gives GP such peace of mind, especially when we're gone for long periods of time. Speaking of being gone, we are looking forward to our trip to Mackanac Island next Sunday and Monday. We're going to stay at the Grand Hotel (the one with the big porch) which will really be a treat, and, of course, GP will plan to golf while we're there. I've had my usual regular meetings of PEO, Bridge clubs, Ladies Aid, etc. during the month which have kept me busy, and I am also hosting a group for bridge here tomorrow afternoon. This coming Friday we will be going out to dinner with our Rover traveling group and then we are having them all back here for dessert afterwards. I have no idea how many there will be until we get a count on Thursday, but it could be anywhere from eight to twenty-four. That's why I pray for a nice night so we can use the porch. otherwise it can get pretty cramped in the house. Grandpa has actually got me watching the Cubs play this year, and I have to admit that I'm starting to get "hooked". They've had some good games and some bad ones, but I am getting to know the plavers better now and know a little bit of what to expect when they come up to bat. I've really enjoyed following the women's soccer games and am rooting for them to win the cham;pionship. I know nothing about soccer (as you so well know, Brad) but it's fun to see the skill that these women have. I need to go outside and feed the birds now and also pick up lots of limbs that got blown down from the storm last night. I also need to do some gardening but the ground is so wet that I can't really get into the flowerbeds. I know GP will want to mow the lawn when he gets home. With all the rain we've had this Spring, I think he's mowing about every other day, as you know how particular he is about his lawn. I wonder where Jim gets this trait. I hope all of you have had good weeks and that July will be extra special for you. WE'll be at an annual 4th of July picnic at some friends on Thursday, and it's a tun day as we get to connect with a lot of people that we only see once a year, most of them former teaching collegues. (sp) kemember to STAY SAFE, HEALTHY, AND HAPPY. Our thoughts and prayers are always with you. Tef nee he a e mal Jay My Grandma sends out weekly letters recapping what’s going on int her and my grandpas life (this was a month recap)
Were Through: Monday, July 1, 2019
 Greetings, dear ones,
 Welcome, Jesse and Steven and Brad, to "News from Nanny", as I try to resurrect my attempt at
 correspondence to all of you. I know I've been very lax lately in writing, but June was a month to forget
 as far as we were concerned. I think we're through with hospital visits for a while, but we still have a list
 of doctor appts. On the calendar. However, Grandpa is feeling much better and is even in Galena TT
 two days playing golf with 20 guys that go together once every year for an outing
 WE had a horrendous thunderstorm last night that completely soaked out entire porch and even sent
 the tarp on the west side flying up on the roof. Being here alone since GP is in Galena I tried to tie up
 the canvas to no avail so it even poked a hole in the screen which will not make GP very happy. It looks
 like you had some bad storms, too, Anna and Josh, according to the radar on the tv. Thank goodness we
 have a generator as our power went out for a while but that didn't last too long. We no longer have to
 keep a stash of candles for such an emergency since we have the generator, and it gives GP such peace
 of mind, especially when we're gone for long periods of time.
 Speaking of being gone, we are looking forward to our trip to Mackanac Island next Sunday and
 Monday. We're going to stay at the Grand Hotel (the one with the big porch) which will really be a treat,
 and, of course, GP will plan to golf while we're there.
 I've had my usual regular meetings of PEO, Bridge clubs, Ladies Aid, etc. during the month which have
 kept me busy, and I am also hosting a group for bridge here tomorrow afternoon. This coming Friday we
 will be going out to dinner with our Rover traveling group and then we are having them all back here for
 dessert afterwards. I have no idea how many there will be until we get a count on Thursday, but it could
 be anywhere from eight to twenty-four. That's why I pray for a nice night so we can use the porch.
 otherwise it can get pretty cramped in the house.
 Grandpa has actually got me watching the Cubs play this year, and I have to admit that I'm starting to
 get "hooked". They've had some good games and some bad ones, but I am getting to know the plavers
 better now and know a little bit of what to expect when they come up to bat. I've really enjoyed
 following the women's soccer games and am rooting for them to win the cham;pionship. I know nothing
 about soccer (as you so well know, Brad) but it's fun to see the skill that these women have.
 I need to go outside and feed the birds now and also pick up lots of limbs that got blown down from the
 storm last night. I also need to do some gardening but the ground is so wet that I can't really get into
 the flowerbeds. I know GP will want to mow the lawn when he gets home. With all the rain we've had
 this Spring, I think he's mowing about every other day, as you know how particular he is about his lawn.
 I wonder where Jim gets this trait.
 I hope all of you have had good weeks and that July will be extra special for you. WE'll be at an annual
 4th of July picnic at some friends on Thursday, and it's a tun day as we get to connect with a lot of people
 that we only see once a year, most of them former teaching collegues. (sp)
 kemember to STAY SAFE, HEALTHY, AND HAPPY.
 Our thoughts and prayers are always with you.
 Tef nee
 he a e mal
 Jay
My Grandma sends out weekly letters recapping what’s going on int her and my grandpas life (this was a month recap)

My Grandma sends out weekly letters recapping what’s going on int her and my grandpas life (this was a month recap)